If I'm honest, I recognize that I lost sight of her unique and distorted perspective. Understanding this would have helped me stay calm and not take her words too personally. It's clear to me now that this is her way of calling for help.
Makes sense. If you're here because you suspect BPD, that's a serious and impairing mental illness. It's not to say "treat every word coming out of her mouth like crazy talk". It's not helpful to assume that when she says "Want me to get cheese at the store" that you have to stop and think "I can't treat that like a normal statement; instead, I have to ask her how she feels about cheese". It's more to say that a challenge of loving pwBPD is kind of like learning a second language, one where many of the words match your first language but many don't. You can't jump to "she never means what she says" but you also can't jump to "she is communicating just like I would". Slowing down and wisely considering the situation may be helpful. I think that over time, it is possible to build your own awareness/radar of types of statements that are emotionally loaded.
While this doesn't justify her tactics or choice of words, it does remind me to uphold my boundaries without resorting to hostility like my partner with BPD. Empathy is crucial, but I often worry that showing empathy will pull me into her reality and out of my own. I'm curious about how you've managed to balance empathy and boundaries in your own experiences. <<<Do you have any tips?>>>
That's a good insight to have about boundaries. I'm starting to think that boundaries are less about "how can
I make sure that
s/he respects
my boundaries and doesn't break my boundaries", and more about "how can
I respect
my own boundaries?"
If it's a
true boundary, then it's 100% under your control, and you're the only one who can fundamentally disrespect/break your own boundary.
I had an experience of navigating that "if I empathize does that mean I'm agreeing/in that reality" situation a few months ago. My H's youngest invited a friend over, and this friend was telling us about how much she had been bullied at school and how bad it was and how she had to switch to homeschooling. While this may sound harsh, there was enough context for me to conclude that probably it wasn't as dramatic as she was making it sound, and she was likely exaggerating what had happened.
That was not going to be a great time for me to say "You know... was it
really that bad? Don't you think that your lack of coping skills may have contributed?"
I also was not willing to say "Oh my gosh, that's horrible what they did to you".
What I was able to say was "Wow, nobody wants to be bullied at school." I had to pause a second or two to find a wise response, but ultimately it was something I could say with integrity, that also validated her
feelings (not her facts or relating of her perspective). Whatever it was that happened or didn't happen, she was using the word "bullying" to describe it, and I could genuinely say that nobody wants to experience that -- that's where we could share some middle ground. What's interesting is that true validation like that allowed me to keep my own integrity (I didn't have to agree with her about the facts of what happened) and allowed me to "allow" her to have her own experience and feelings. I didn't feel sucked in; I was able to stay in my world while allowing her to have her own world.
My thought is that by definition, unless we're grounded in reality and have a strong sense of self, we can't validate genuinely or effectively. We have to know who we are (and aren't) and what we're responsible for, to have the strength and calm to allow others to be and think and feel differently.
Not sure if you've had a chance to look at our validation workshops yet -- this one is on
common tips & traps of validation. Take a look and let us know what resonates with you.
It's clear to me that she's reacting to feelings of being unseen. Her all-or-nothing statements, ironically, made me feel like our relationship was all or nothing. There's something contagious about someone who one moment treats you like you're everything and the next acts like you're nothing. I can see how I've started to adopt some of these traits as a result of my experiences with her.
I read here recently one member saying she'd learned from her therapist (who was trained in DBT) that if pwBPD have had an experience where they didn't feel understood (or seen, perhaps), that no matter how long ago it happened, they may keep bringing it up, repeatedly, in an effort (maybe unconscious) to get that understanding and to be seen. Truly validating those feelings at the time, really working to understand her, may help your relationship, as pwBPD tend to have higher needs for validation.
Working on your own sense of self may also help the "contagion". Many pwBPD can be really emotionally convincing. It can take emotional maturity not to have an extreme response (either of succumbing to the emotions: "I guess you were right and I was wrong", or of "logical reactivity": "I don't have to feel that way and I can prove it"). Sometimes developing mindfulness, where we balance and acknowledge both our thoughts/rationality and our feelings/emotions, can help. In DBT I believe it's termed
Wise Mind.
Maintaining my grip on reality is about more than just holding onto my feelings. It's about holding onto the knowledge I have, which exists independently of my emotional reflexes.
It's a lot to balance. It's really hearing her emotions, feelings, and experiences, and understanding why she might feel that way even if you don't agree that it's justified... and it's doing that without holding her in contempt for being different. After all, this relationship isn't something being done to you, it's something you're actively choosing. It's also balancing your grounding in reality with hearing your own feelings and emotions. There's a real flow there. Rigidity and judgment typically don't help BPD relationships, yet neither does losing yourself in her world and letting her take the emotional lead. Lots and lots of wise balance.
