Unthinking the borderline ways

[Kashi]

Everyone knows they can be impulsive.

She would come to be with the next new idea because she wasn't happy with what we had.

What we had was a promising life. 

Here comes and idea and it has gaping holes in the plan, then I would point that out, then I became the person who controls everything and the stick in the mud.

I resented having to do that.   

What choices do you have when it's an expensive financial option.  Just jump in and then go OH look that was a mistake.

I had to do that for years.   Going through what study se wanted to do at university (three times) what career she wanted, houses,  etc etc etc.   

The second guessing themselves is a nightmare.

Anyway...

Now she ripped away the future plan which we had been working towards for years and was a couple of years away from obtaining it.   

All the security went.   My finances snapped in half.

Had to sell our house.   

What to be grateful for.    I couldn't have continued in a relationship where she was increasingly becoming controlling and distant.  It's better it happened now than when I am older.   

What is happening is I think...  I seem to be ruminating over plans.  I don't have a window of time to make a mistake.

I am not sure what is a mistake anymore.   I don't trust myself.

I really don't want to make any decisions.   I would like to just have a life for the next five years.   But I can't do that because I am sitting in a rental house, and they charge heaps of money.  I work and waste my money of a house that isn't even very livable.

I look around and women in my country have no home.  There is no houses for them to live in.   They are sleeping in their cars with kids sometimes. 

I feel ungrateful that I have a roof over my head and have a chance to build something new.

I feel I have bad anxiety and trauma from the past and my relationship.   

I have to make decisions in that state.   Because if I don't make one now than it can impact on me in 7 years' time when it's important, I made a good decision. 

I don't know if anyone understands the part about being with a BPD and their indecisions / decisions.  How it feels to be responsible for checking every decision inside and out because they didn't. 

Or making a decision and it doesn't turn out then they let you know about it.

I don't know what it has done to me, but I just don't what to make any more decisions.

I don't even know what I am talking about LOL.   

I am not good.   I am just trying to find the reason and an answer. 


















 

[SinisterComplex]

How about you are doing good taking the step you did here...you are venting. Right now that is enough. Take your time and let the S filter out.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Turkish]

What's the deal in 7 years?

[Kashi]

How about you are doing good taking the step you did here...you are venting. Right now that is enough. Take your time and let the S filter out.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thanks. 

I think I am getting somewhere and then I slip back.   

Sometimes the sadness is unbearable. 

What was I thinking to stay.

[ThanksForPlaying]

We understand the struggle of moderating BPD plans.

I just posted about a 6 month relationship that I suspect involves BPD. Almost immediately this relationship involved expensive trips and gifts. But not just reckless spending, but illogical spending.

Even if I CAN afford a luxury trip - the dates just don't work - and you can't even leave town on those days.

Even if I CAN afford an expensive house - it's not in a location that works for either of us.

No matter - she'll find someone who won't say no to her - and then she'll leave that person traveling alone and living in the new house alone.

Keep taking it one day at a time. Or one hour at a time if you have to.