New Relationship - but maybe I'm learning the signs

[ThanksForPlaying]

As well, every woman I met seemed so fantastic that I thought that I should be in the running for a Nobel Prize for making the discovery, as your judgement is blinded by the litres of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine surging through your veins. 

Came here for this today. Sometimes I just need a little "boost" from this board and this was it today.

Last year I waded cautiously into the dating app pool, careful to vet all prospects and run away at the first sign of any red flags. My goal was to find a "normal" girl. In fact, I was so selective that I only matched and chatted with maybe 1 or 2 girls a month, and didn't end up meeting any of them. Taking it SLOW. Then a goddess appeared out of the mist. As in objectively beautiful and incredibly sweet and personable. We even had one mutual friend who said she was "sweet... but sometimes spicy"  . And another mutual friend who advised me to run away . But of course all I heard from these two pieces of advice was "sweet".

And she continued to be sweet. Things were great for several months until our first minor disagreement yesterday.

We'd spent a whole day together last weekend. We both kept saying how much fun we were having. Of course she said it was the best day ever. Lots of snuggles... Slept together... Had a great morning and parted ways. Saw each other again during the week. All good.

Then yesterday was a rainy day. Literally rainy. Thunder all day. We had plans to meet in the afternoon. Talked on the phone and she told me I was too negative for her. Said I brought bad vibes and she really hadn't even enjoyed our previous weekend together (there were zero signs of this during the actual weekend - all smiles and cuddles and laughter). There was really no specific "problem" - just a re-framing of much of the past several weeks. Our budding relationship had actually been pretty terrible the whole time, to hear her now tell it. Completely painted black and now getting the silent treatment after this phone call. Just a shocking change from 100% commitment to 0%. Overnight. I could show you the text messages - "good night - can't wait to see you tomorrow" - and then one phone call in the morning and ghosted. I also have a strange feeling the weather had something to do with her feelings. She also ghosted me on a cold snowy day in January and popped up a couple days later like nothing had happened. But that could be a coincidence.

Now I know from previous experience that she may not be fully done with this relationship. Maybe she is, but maybe there's a recycle. The hard part is - she's truly a gorgeous human and seemingly ultra sweet at times. So much charisma.

As quoted above, I have so much dopamine surging through my brain that I'm slightly numb. However, this ain't my first rodeo. It seems easier to see what's going on this time. I may even stick around for one or two recycles. It really is that good when it's good. And the only so far is just this single day of ghosting. I'm already justifying it. It was only one day, right? I'm probably overreacting. This may not even be BPD... but my gut instinct is telling me it is. The hairs on the back of my neck are saying it is. I've seen this before. This is how it begins to show itself. We'll see how it goes.

[iquanablood]

Wow ThanksForPlaying, all I can say is you better be careful.  My experience is similar, I knew from the beginning that she had problems, and had I walked away during the first year, it would not have been so tough.  But I stuck around, and I really fell in love.  I believed I could change her or somehow change myself to accept her ways. 

And it was probably the sex that kept me around long after I knew that I could never change her, and she could never change me.  But she had already changed me, she had already wrapped herself around my mind like a two headed rattlesnake, injecting some kind of love/lust venom that is pure evil.  Evil love, the exact opposite of what it should be.  She will use affection to destroy.

Junkies call it chipping away at the stone, trying to do a little bit but not get addicted, but you always get addicted.  Then you have to go through withdrawals, cold feelings in the night.  Yuck!

Better not sail under the red flag brother, you are sailing across the devil’s sea.

Trust me.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Thanks blood... you're right of course. It's a dangerous game. But this is right at the VERY beginning of the game. This is where I start to ask myself if I'M the one acting disordered. Am I cutting people off at the first sign of what I think is a red flag? Am I going to lose relationships by cutting people off too quickly because I'm seeing BPD everywhere, even when it's not there?

Just for my own sanity, let me try to lay it out logically.

Q: what actually happened that's making me feel bad?
A: she said some strange criticisms of me on the phone yesterday that had never been voiced before - canceled our plans - and ignored 3 text messages from me - the first time in our relationship she's ignored my texts

Q: what is it that I would have wanted her to do? (or expected from a non)
A: she could have voiced these concerns about our relationship and still met me at the planned time to talk about it. She could have canceled the plans but still answered my texts. She could have even messaged me back to say "I don't want to talk to you anymore - we're breaking up - please stop messaging me" (closure).

Q: what makes me feel like this is disordered behavior - potentially BPD?
A: We know pwBPD are not good with closure. They like to keep their options open for a potential recycle. This feels like instant abandonment to me. From a very high high to a low low - very quickly. That's the part that feels disordered.

Honestly when I look at it now, it seems like potentially she found a better option and went out with another guy while making up a reason to insult our relationship so she can blame me for canceling the plans. Whether or not that's BPD is irrelevant. It hurts me and I don't have to accept it.

But let's assume she's not cheating and she really does just "need some space". It's also reasonable for my boundary to be "I don't want to be with people who insult me in order to create space for themselves." There are other ways to take a day to yourself without blaming the other person and ghosting. She basically said "You're bringing me down and I don't want to be around you today." But my feeling is I really didn't do much to warrant that.

I can certainly look at my own behaviors in the future to improve my positivity - not be a debbie downer - but I honestly wasn't acting that way - and even if I was, I would be walking on eggshells, right? Not wanting to say or do the slightest thing to upset her for fear of being shut out and ghosted for a day or two. I feel like I'm being punished with this ghosting.

This is where I currently stand. I have some plans today so we'll see if she continues the freeze.

[iquanablood]

Well, if she has BPD, she’s already injected you.  She has done it through manipulating your thoughts, and maybe even your actions.  Your mind is already making excuses and you are walking on mental eggshells to justify your lust.

You are already planning on changing your behaviors in the future, even though you don’t feel like you did anything wrong?  Why?  To get laid?

Go for it, just do it with ice water in your veins, that’s what she’s got. 

It is a pretty thrilling game to play, however.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Yeah. You're right. Pretty much just to get laid.

I could tell you "because I'm trying to improve myself for a long-term relationship and marriage with this person and it's going to be magical".

But you're right that she's already showing the icewater veins now - and we've barely gotten started. That iciness will only become more of a problem in the future. The reason I suspect BPD is because of how quickly she was able to switch from warmth to iciness - scary-quick. Within minutes. I think that's what chilled my spine.

You're right that it's thrilling. She turns heads when we go out. People stare at us when we walk into a restaurant because we're a good looking couple. My self confidence has improved recently to the point where I know I'm not a total schlub. Hot girls are attracted to me, so I've got that going for me, which is nice. But I'm currently stuck on this icy one.

Thanks for talking it over with me - it helps a lot. I'll keep you posted.

[iquanablood]

You know what mine used to say to me when I hugged her?  She would often say, “It’s just like hugging yourself.”  I thought it was because she is thin with delicate shoulders, she melted into me.  Maybe I was hugging my ego.  Don’t know.

And I had the exact same feelings as you do when I walked around with her.  Might just be your ego talking…..

[ThanksForPlaying]

Update: It's Sunday. I've been prepared to wait it out. She messaged me saying "I'm feeling a little better today".

It's intentionally vague I think. She doesn't say what she's feeling better about. Feeling better about our relationship? Feeling better mentally? Feeling embarrassed about the hurricane she caused yesterday? It's like she's SLIGHTLY aware that it may have been her own feelings that caused her to act horribly to me yesterday.

But as we know, there are many times when pwBPD seem SO CLOSE to self-awareness but just can't get it.

Blood - here's another interesting thing about my ego. When our last message or conversation is a happy or normal one, I have no problem with NC. I can go for days on a happy note. But when she ghosts me on a sour note it tears me apart. And there's really not THAT much difference between the two. I think that's just my ego not wanting to be defeated.

[iquanablood]

Playing, everybody wants a happy ending but sometimes it’s just not possible.  You say you’ve been through relationships with BPD women before, well, listen to your instincts. 

And Motley Crue, remember the song “Don’t Go Away Mad, Just Go Away”?

Hahahaha, sorry, trying to keep the sense of humor going.  This PLEASE READ really will drive you stone cold crazy.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Love the Crue. Saw them in Vegas a few years back. And great song. Can't win em all.

[BigEasyHeart]

It's also reasonable for my boundary to be "I don't want to be with people who insult me in order to create space for themselves." There are other ways to take a day to yourself without blaming the other person and ghosting.

Yes, it is and you are totally right. The issue is, are you willing to have that conversation with this person and make clear what your needs are? If not, you might ask yourself why not. For example, are you not having that conversation because you are afraid of how they'll react? If so, that is not a great way to live. The bottom line is that you deserve to feel safe enough to be able to voice your emotional needs.

Sorry to hear you're going through this!