Repairing after splitting and devaluing

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

Building on/updating my recent first post on these boards. My ex with BPD (29 yrs, male) recently ended our relationship on May 1st. We were together a year and a half. I cannot overstate... he's the love of my life.

Context: He's an addict but has been sober for almost 3 years, and diagnosed for almost 2 years. He's been in DBT therapy with a trained BPD therapist since before we dated. He's spiritual and went to AA. His therapist has told him that on the spectrum of BPD symptoms, he is a mild case. I learned a lot about BPD during our time together and handled it pretty well. We continually got better and better at navigating the relationship with each other.

In early/mid April, he began expressing to me that he felt cravings to use/drink again, and cravings to "blow up his life." He was about to turn 30, he was starting a new career over from scratch, and he felt deeply unhappy with who he was and where he was in his life. He was angry at the world. Even though our relationship at this time was in a healthy place - with good communication, few fights, and few episodes - he self destructed it anyway. He asked if I would consider taking a break, I crumbled and was intensely reactive, and shortly after we were broken up.

I'm 99.999% he's splitting -- not over me, because he doesn't view me in extremes right now. He has said wonderful things about me while also being able to point out behaviors of mine that contributed to issues in the relationship. About me, he's pretty measured. I think he's splitting over the idea of "how he has to live his life." Before, going to therapy/AA, having a healthy romanic relationship, and striving to achieve his career goals were all good, balanced things. Now, because he feels deep shame/like he's failing in life, he thinks he needs to sacrifice literally every other facet of his life in order to spend every waking second on his career.

The last month has been a roller coaster. He's been in episodes every few days. In the beginning of the month, he said he needed space, but would reach out to me almost every day to tell me about some negative emotion he was experiencing. He blew up at me multiple times. After spending a day alone together in the middle of the month, he then spent the next week telling me how much he missed me. For that week, I saw the man I knew and loved under all his anger and frustration. Then he was back to seeming like he was absolutely fine without me. I finally asked for space, and reached back out to him after a week. We're slowly working towards talking more - which we've both said we want to do.

Last night I checked in with him, and he said he'd been thinking about me. He said he's only doing okay, and that this is hard for him. He said he's trying to 'focus and stay excited' about an upcoming career event instead of thinking about me - whereas before, he would've been blindly excited about the career stuff and not thinking about me. I told him I missed him like hell and that everything is less without him. He said he feels the same, and that everything is so confusing right now for him.

I definitely think he's splitting less now, and might be seeing more ways forward than the path he decided he MUST be on. I also think I have been devalued, but not discarded.

I want to get back together more than anything - but regardless of what happens between us, I also just want him to be okay and feel supported. How can I best help him during this time? Are there specific things that anyone would recommend to make him feel supported without feeling inundated/pressured by me to get back together? Is there anything I can do to encourage more measured thoughts/curb the splitting?

[hashbrown111822]

Hi everyone,

Building on/updating my recent first post on these boards. My ex with BPD (29 yrs, male) recently ended our relationship on May 1st. We were together a year and a half. I cannot overstate... he's the love of my life.

Context: He's an addict but has been sober for almost 3 years, and diagnosed for almost 2 years. He's been in DBT therapy with a trained BPD therapist since before we dated. He's spiritual and went to AA. His therapist has told him that on the spectrum of BPD symptoms, he is a mild case. I learned a lot about BPD during our time together and handled it pretty well. We continually got better and better at navigating the relationship with each other.

In early/mid April, he began expressing to me that he felt cravings to use/drink again, and cravings to "blow up his life." He was about to turn 30, he was starting a new career over from scratch, and he felt deeply unhappy with who he was and where he was in his life. He was angry at the world. Even though our relationship at this time was in a healthy place - with good communication, few fights, and few episodes - he self destructed it anyway. He asked if I would consider taking a break, I crumbled and was intensely reactive, and shortly after we were broken up.

I'm 99.999% he's splitting -- not over me, because he doesn't view me in extremes right now. He has said wonderful things about me while also being able to point out behaviors of mine that contributed to issues in the relationship. About me, he's pretty measured. I think he's splitting over the idea of "how he has to live his life." Before, going to therapy/AA, having a healthy romanic relationship, and striving to achieve his career goals were all good, balanced things. Now, because he feels deep shame/like he's failing in life, he thinks he needs to sacrifice literally every other facet of his life in order to spend every waking second on his career.

The last month has been a roller coaster. He's been in episodes every few days. In the beginning of the month, he said he needed space, but would reach out to me almost every day to tell me about some negative emotion he was experiencing. He blew up at me multiple times. After spending a day alone together in the middle of the month, he then spent the next week telling me how much he missed me. For that week, I saw the man I knew and loved under all his anger and frustration. Then he was back to seeming like he was absolutely fine without me. I finally asked for space, and reached back out to him after a week. We're slowly working towards talking more - which we've both said we want to do.

Last night I checked in with him, and he said he'd been thinking about me. He said he's only doing okay, and that this is hard for him. He said he's trying to 'focus and stay excited' about an upcoming career event instead of thinking about me - whereas before, he would've been blindly excited about the career stuff and not thinking about me. I told him I missed him like hell and that everything is less without him. He said he feels the same, and that everything is so confusing right now for him.

I definitely think he's splitting less now, and might be seeing more ways forward than the path he decided he MUST be on. I also think I have been devalued, but not discarded.

I want to get back together more than anything - but regardless of what happens between us, I also just want him to be okay and feel supported. How can I best help him during this time? Are there specific things that anyone would recommend to make him feel supported without feeling inundated/pressured by me to get back together? Is there anything I can do to encourage more measured thoughts/curb the splitting?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi hashbrown111822 (great user name, btw!)  

Am I tracking with you that the two of you are not currently living together (since the breakup on May 1st)?

When he has episodes every few days, that must mean you are finding out about those episodes over text? phone call? social media? other? Is he the one initiating that contact?

As far as you know, is he still in DBT? How often do you think he is going? (weekly, daily, 3x/week, other)?

...

This seems to me like the unintuitive crux of being in a relationship with a pwBPD:

I want to get back together more than anything - but regardless of what happens between us, I also just want him to be okay and feel supported. How can I best help him during this time? Are there specific things that anyone would recommend to make him feel supported without feeling inundated/pressured by me to get back together? Is there anything I can do to encourage more measured thoughts/curb the splitting?

We want so, so, so much to just help the person we love. Our focus and spotlight goes on them: what do they need, how can we be more supportive of them, how can we make sure they feel _________, how can we get through to them with the correct wording?

So much of our energy and self-hood gets funneled over to try to shore up our loved one wBPD... but is that the most loving thing we can do for them?

It may be the case that the most loving, supportive thing we can do for a loved one wBPD is to take care of ourselves first, to model maintaining self-hood and not depleting our self-hood to pour into them. We cannot have enough self for two!

Another unintuitive aspect to this is that we have to accept that we cannot control how they feel or think. Yes, we can make things worse through JADE-ing, being invalidating, and not being empathetic -- that is true that we can add gas to the fire -- but ultimately, once we control our contribution and stop making things worse on our end, we really can't get in their heads and "make sure they feel supported". I think it's one of the tragedies of BPD that without help and therapy, a pwBPD can be surrounded by care and love, but not perceive it.

I'm kind of thinking that letting go of needing a certain outcome in a pwBPD's thoughts -- letting go of needing to be sure he feels supported, letting go of feeling like you have to encourage him to think differently -- could contribute to more stability in the relationship, because in a way, you'd be saying: "I'm stable enough that you can be you, and I don't have to change how you think or feel".

So much of effective relating to a pwBPD is counterintuitive -- kind of like, "he's in so much pain but you're saying I should focus on myself? Isn't that selfish?" It might be a thought worth diving into and trying out -- seeing what happens when you focus on improving your own sense of self and mental health first.

In fact, that reminds me; are you seeing a therapist or counselor right now? While the pwBPD in my life isn't a partner (it's my husband's kids' mom), I've needed a therapist for years, and it's helped me to keep a level head, not be reactive, focus on what's under my control, and accept what I can't change. Could be worth it for you.

...

Before the breakup, were you in touch with his DBT treatment team at all?

[hashbrown111822]

Hi Kells,

Thank you for such a wonderfully well-thought-out response. To answer some of your questions first!

We were not living together, but were very serious and had plans for the future. When he had episodes during the first half of the month or so, it was because he was reaching out to me via text/call and directing the episode at me. I reinforced boundaries after it had happened several times - that I would be open to hearing him out and having measured conversations about his emotions, but that I would need to leave the conversation if he escalated. He respected my boundaries. In the latter half of the month, I asked for more space, and now I'm the one who reaches out to him if I want to talk - so I haven't been privy to any episodes in the last two weeks.

I think he's still in DBT, although I think he skipped two weeks earlier in the month. He has one hour sessions once a week. I am not in contact with his DBT team. I am also seeing my own therapist, x2 a week right now, but am not in DBT personally.

I deeply appreciate your thoughts here about taking care of myself and being stable enough for him to figure out whatever he feels like he needs to figure out. This approach definitely goes along with what I've learned in therapy. Like I said, I'm in individual therapy, and I just completed an outpatient program for crisis response. I have a wonderful support network of friends, and try to prioritize my self care.

I think I'm just confused on how to actually communicate that to him? He's aware of my involvement in therapy, and throughout the breakup, I've tried to be as measured as possible in my communication, not cry/beg/escalate, and just let him know that he's deeply loved and that I miss him. I don't want to become so stable/stoic that I appear to not care, since I know he might take that as rejection. I don't want to communicate so much that he feels inundated, or like I'm trying to pressure him to change his way of thinking - but I also don't want to disconnect completely since I know he'll feel abandoned. Any thoughts??

[hashbrown111822]

Just pinging this as I would love to learn more clarity!

[Cluster Beeline]

I hesitate to respond since I am male and I feel far more comfortable dealing with relationship issues involving female pwBPD.

Yet there are some universals in these relationships that trump the sex of the partners. In all cases of relationships with pwBPD, the partner will have co-dependent tendencies. This creates a polarity with gives these partnerships energy and make it both hard to pull away, and at the same time difficult to obtain stability.

In reading your posts, my first impression is that you certainly seem on the right track. The paradox of your situation is that as you partner heals, and moves away from a dysfunctional addict and towards a responsible adult, the less he needs you and the less you will be attracted to him. Of course opposite is also true, the more he moves towards the destructive range of his condition, the more he needs you and the stronger you will be attracted to him. And yet the reality of the situation is that your relationship will fall apart if he collapses back into addiction or if you go overboard on the caretaking.

He feels this too. As he grows more responsible and healthy, the less he needs you to be caretaking for him. As he fears losing you, perhaps he sways back towards dysfunction in order to activate your precious care that he treasures so much. And yet he does not want to fall back to the pit, and so self-corrects and tries to get on a good path, which involves pushing you away.

You are both basically walking tightropes. The best way forward is clasping hands and supporting each other over the middle ground of normality, but with the full knowledge that the intensity of your relationship may diminish the more stable both of you become. But this is a necessary condition for any sort of long term stability.

And so you are on the right track. Keep giving him the space to stabilize himself without him falling back on your caretaking. Don't put any time pressure on him. Let him know you are there in the background supporting him and ready to restart the relationship when he is ready. And then get on with your life without fretting, in the full knowledge that this is the only path for a successful future with him.