Re: Well looks like divorce is finally happening Pt. 3

[kells76]

Is it ever going to stop?  Or will she continue to ask for things? It seems somewhat quiet right now.

It is possible that your kids' mom will remain an entitled person for the foreseeable future. Ask me how I know 

What can change is how you respond to her requests/demands.

How does she currently ask for things right now -- text? phone call? email? in person? other?

How do you currently respond?

This can get better -- with changes on your end.

[ForeverDad]

A pwBPD usually has a sense of immediacy - "I need it right now and you have to comply and help me fix my problem right now."

You may have to tell her she will have to wait for the process to finish.  Just because she says it is urgent and must be done now, much of that is likely her sense of belated immediacy - and her expecting you to immediately jump in to fix her sudden problem.

Reminds me of when years ago I manned lobby reception desks in a couple NYC hotels.  Passersby would walk in and ask to use a restroom.  Sometimes even a mother with kids jumping up and down.  "Sorry, the restrooms are in the rooms." I'd be asked, putting me on the spot, where do you go?  "I go through a locked door in the basement for staff facilities.  Why don't you go across the street and use a nearby restaurant?"  But they would say the restaurants said their restrooms are only for their customers and they'd have to buy something.

I would turn to my less experienced coworkers and enlighten them, "While we want to help people, there are limits and there are times when we can't let other people transform their problems into our problems."

[ChooseHappiness]

I would turn to my less experienced coworkers and enlighten them, "While we want to help people, there are limits and there are times when we can't let other people transform their problems into our problems."

I sometimes work with paramedics and they have a similar saying: "The patient is having the emergency, not you." While it sounds callous, the point of the saying is to remind the paramedics to stay calm and keep perspective so they will continue to operate at their best. Someone else's panic/emergency can be infectious and distort your own thinking if you're not careful.

[Notwendy]

It is possible that your kids' mom will remain an entitled person for the foreseeable future. Ask me how I know 

There could be an emotional aspect to this. A sense of entitlement is one possibilty. Another is the need to have people do things for her- a need to be rescued. My BPD mother will ask people to do things for her that she can do herself- it's not the task she needs- that's a part of it- but the need is to have someone do it for her.

I don't comprehend it but emotional needs aren't rational. She will call me to make a phone call for her- but if she can call me, why can't she call who she's trying to reach. She doesn't need help making the call- she needs me to be doing something for her. There's the sense of urgency too and she's emotionally distressed with that need.

I don't think your reply "I am not your husband" is being mean. She made her decision. You aren't obligated.

[mikejones75093]

Sometimes we remark, the disordered one may abandon us before we can abandon them.

Question for you.  Seems you went through the wild court process and ended up with custody.

My divorce is final.  She won't see then until August and when she does her time is extremely limited.  2 days every 2 weeks. 

So my question is, what's next?  Is she going to be peaceful and leave me alone or does she keep coming at me?  I quit talking to her because there is no need to right now, she blamed my daughter for a few things and really upset her.

Now she's found a new man and is acting mature?  She actually apologized to my daughter and told her she was wrong, she's never apologized to me.  She's being very calm and acting almost too nice.

In my opinion there is no way this lasts but I will take the peace for now.

What happens next?  She loses it on the next guy and comes after me or will she be civil?  No contact except about the kids, take her limited time and leave me alone?