Celebrating even the smallest success

[dtkm]

My uBPDh and I have been together for 7+ years.  We have been through more cycles than I can count.  Until the last two, nothing has ever been mentioned when he regulates, we all just move forward, happy that we can breath for the moment.  That has changed for the last two cycles!  Last time he regulated, he gave me a big hug and said something along the lines of, I know that I can get in some pretty bad moods, I am just going to hold on to you as tight as I can when I am not in that mood.  I smiled and hugged him back tightly.  This past cycle lasted for a bit, over a week.  I have gotten pretty good at walking away when he starts in on me and just shutting down and going off with the kids continuing on with normal life, but also supporting him hanging out with the kids when he is regulated enough to do so, but not enough to hangout with me.  The morning after he switched back to a nice mood, he said to me that we need to talk, which usually means about separation.  I usually walk away.  But this time was different!  He said look at these kids, they are so happy together, there is no way we can break them apart, we need to figure out a way for this to work.  I agreed that the kids were extremely happy all playing together and that they need their family together united, but left it alone as any deeper conversation, usually escalates things.  He then said, maybe we need to go back to counseling together...or maybe I (he) needs to go back to counseling.  NEVER has he initiated anything with therapy, even muttering those words!  I just listened, gave him a hug and said I am open to anything, but that I wanted him to know that no matter what, I will never speak to him when he starts in on me, I told him it only leads to more fighting.  To which he smiled and nodded.  I am 99.9% sure that he will not contact a therapist and return to therapy and we will probably be back in yucky mood land soon, but I still feel like it is a small success that I want to celebrate.  Any positive moves are worth it in my eyes!     

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[tina7868]

Thanks for sharing dktm! Indeed, all successes are worth celebrating  ! Thank you for sharing your experience with us, I`m sure there is a lot to learn for all of us from what you have gone through.

I have gotten pretty good at walking away when he starts in on me and just shutting down and going off with the kids continuing on with normal life, but also supporting him hanging out with the kids when he is regulated enough to do so, but not enough to hangout with me.

How do you feel when you walk away? Is there anything that helps shift your focus?

[dtkm]

Thanks Tina!  Honestly, it does feel liberating to walk away and not engage, as I have worked extremely hard to get myself to the place that I do this.  Every time I do so, I feel strong, but a huge wave of words that I want to say come flooding to my brain and it takes a lot to hold them back.  I do pretty well holding them back by reminding myself that things just get worse if I say any of them, and I usually get upset at myself if I do say them.  My kids are my world and I do everything that I can to hold the peace in the house for them.  What's hard, is that I have noticed if I don't engage, then about a quarter of the time he will move on to one of the kids, yelling at them for whatever reason, then they get upset and run to me, so he then gets even more mad at me because they choose me over him.  Usually, I agree with why he is upset at the child, but have a hard time with how he deals with it and also because its how the kids have been raised...because he wants to suck his kids into his world when he is in his mood and because I used to walk on eggshells so followed along so that I didn't get yelled at, etc.  For example, the other day we went to a toy store to get a gift for one of my children's friends for their birthday party.  My D3 freaked out because she wanted to buy a certain something.  I said no and was planning on leaving after the gift was bought, just carrying her out, even if she was not happy about it.  Instead, my H bought the thing she wanted and when my S6 said he wanted something, my H said D3 got the thing because she was throwing a tantrum.  This will most likely be used against her later, that she is selfish, etc.  I need to work more with my T as to what to do in these moments, when we disagree with parenting, but I don't want to start a fight.  I used to say something to him, but now, I try to have conversations with my kids, taking him completely out of it.  I guess over all I have tried to keep my emotions out of the mix with him when his emotions are dysregulated, and get out with my kids to distract myself.  What's hard is I know that he longs for me during these times and just wants me to reach out to him.  I used to do so, but then I used to get dragged into his emotional roller coaster.  Now, I wait for him, as I literally see him as 2 different people, the one I love and the one that I am not a fan of.  I don't know if I am strong enough to hold my emotions steady if I reached out to him during these times yet, but that is my goal, to be emotionally strong enough to break the tension with a hug or a kiss when I know he needs it but is too dysregulated to see it himself and to not take on his dysregulation no matter the response.  Being a Tuesday and I had to leave for work this morning, I could tell he had transitioned when I left for work, so I guess I will have the opportunity to practice!   

[dtkm]

Question…every time my uBPDh switches, he puts all of the most recent gifts I have given him out, so that I notice that he doesn’t want them. I put a lot of thought into the gifts that I give, unlike him who gave me an Amazon gift card I’m sure he picked up on Mother’s Day for Mother’s Day. I don’t shop at Amazon except to buy things for the kids or for the house. Clearly no thought was put into it and he has not given me a Christmas gift in years…or anyone else, including the kids, for that matter, even though my family and I have always given him very nice gifts. I am at the point that I want to tell him that I will no longer be getting him gifts…Christmas, birthdays, Father’s Day, etc If he can so easily throw them out. I know that it is to make me mad…just like him taking down all of the pictures having both of us in them off of our walls…but my question is, does this sound reasonable, and that I will tell him about this when he transitions back?  He has a handoff go to’s each switch now and I want to chip away at each one, just wanting to make sure I am doing them in the best way possible!