Ex Girlfriend Abruptly Left Me

[BernUnit216]

I will try to keep this post as short as possible. First off I’m 37 and she’s 33 if ages matter. We were in a fantastic 4.5 month relationship. Instant connection, lovebombing, super affectionate she treated me like a King. Better than anybody ever has. I swore she was my person. We had a ton in common, wanted the same things in life, and made some incredible memories her even saying some of the best days of her life.

So her back story is she did have a rough childhood. Her parents were in an abusive relationship, eventually both parents would abandon her. Her grandmother was her main caretaker. She was also previously married has been divorced for two years but her marriage was a mirror of her parents marriage abusive on both sides. She would always tell me she is in survival mode and thinks everybody is out to get her but does feel peace when she’s with me.

So we were doing Long Distance I lived three hours away but would come down on the weekends to spend time with her. It even got to the point where she wanted me to move down there and live together so was working on putting in a work transfer after my lease was up in November. Everything was going great just got back from an amazing vacation together then Fathers Day weekend everything changed. I could just feel such a shift in her energy I knew something was up. Never seen anything like it.

Well on Fathers Day she blew up on me in front of her family for no reason. I’ve never seen that side of her just complete rage. We then got back to her house and she apologized and started breaking down. Says she always pushes good things away and that she self sabotages. That I may not leave her now but I will eventually. I told her I was willing to be patient with her. She just said this relationship is getting too real.

So everything seemed okay for a few days until she got fired from her job for very self destructive behavior - applying for other jobs in front of her boss while at work. Luckily she found a job the next day but couldn’t start right away so money was a big concern for her. But I offered to pay for any bills bc I didn’t want to see her struggle. Saturday she told me the relationship was becoming overwhelming and that I kept triggering her by talking about moving down when it was both our idea. She then said she loves how she can tell me anything and I don’t judge her for it. Then that night she said I might break up with you for a few days and come back I’m an emotional roller coaster which I thought was odd to tell me. Since Father’s Day weekend she just seemed so distant. Conversations weren’t the same, less affectionate, and just seemed like I was a big annoyance. Just so crazy how quickly she flipped the switch.

Then came Sunday the main event. I went to let the dogs out before bed and I noticed that she went through my phone. I confronted her calmly and asked her did you go through my phone she said yes and we are PLEASE READing done. She went through old messages I had sent to girls from before I met her. She said I was saying the same things to them in the beginning that I did her and that she knew I was too good to be true. Claiming this was all a game to me and she wasn’t gonna allow herself to get hurt. I was crushed and in tears I had put my all into her and for her to say everything I did wasn’t genuine really hit hard. She then kept telling me to not hit her, then egging me on to do it. I was like I’m not gonna hit you I’m crushed right now. She then told me to leave and then 5 mins later said you’re staying and if you leave I’m calling the cops. She threatened to self harm herself and blame it on me. The amount of anger and rage she had I was genuinely concerned she was gonna hit me.

So we literally shared the same bed that night and she cuddled next to me all night. The next morning I was in tears and we hugged. She said we would talk about things later. Well she told me the night of the breakup she had discharge coming from her you know what so went to get an STD test. Sure enough she tested positive for Mycoplasma Genetilium which is a very mild STI that can stay dormant for months to years. I was very honest about my past that I’ve been with women before her but I honestly didn’t know I had anything bc I was showing zero symptoms. She stated she got tested right before we dated so she knows it came from me. Yet she never asked me to wear protection or get tested before we had sex. I took full responsibility and she cried to me saying how could I be so irresponsible and that her life has hit rock bottom. I sent her more money than she needed for the prescription and she thanked me and I told her you’re welcome and how sorry I was bc I truly didn’t know I had something.

I was completely blamed for everything and painted to be the bad guy when I would’ve done anything for her and did. I noticed right before the break up that she hid all our posts on Facebook. Well a few days after the break up she unhid them took out all the pictures of us yet left me tagged so I would see it. I could be overthinking but think she was trying to get a rise out of me.

I have seen two therapists who said that she clearly suffers from PTSD and BPD. That I need to run for the hills bc she will try and reach out at some point. I’m not sure bc she’s very stubborn and prideful. I’m just completely blindsided by this whole thing. Our relationship was perfect until she decided she didn’t want it to be anymore. We’ve been in NC for 12 days now and I so badly want to reach out.

Just to let her know I love her and that I’m here if she wants to talk and that I hope she’s okay. I’m just confused on what steps to take.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Michail]

See Coach Ken BPD videos on youtube. This helped me to understand.

[Michail]

Your story is very similar to mine, except my ex is not aggressive, rather a calm, warm person. I posted it here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358632.0

First, they chase you. They see you as the ideal man, too good to be true, and they are extremely passionate, wanting everything with you instantly—children, marriage... At the beginning they are mirroring you, they are the same in everything.

Their behavior is driven by two fears: the anxiety of losing you, because they feel bad about themselves, and EXPECT that the ideal man will eventually leave them. However, when they finally catch you and the relationship becomes real, another fear arises—the fear of engulfment. Suddenly, they realize you are not ideal; no one can live up to the fantasy. They think an ideal man wouldn't care so much about them, so you must not be ideal. So, they leave you.

Then you go no contact. You project strength, showing that you are capable of living without them. This is attractive to them, because the person of their dream - as expected WILL LEAVE THEM. After some time, they start to second-guess themselves. Now, maybe you are that person of their dreams, and they fear losing you. So, they come back. The idealization stage returns, and the cycle begins again.

Welcome to the cycle.

[kells76]

Hello BernUnit216 and

There's just so much pain in your story: you're hurting, she's hurting, it all happened so fast, and there's pain with the confusion of "how did it all go wrong?" I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.

There can be a cyclical nature to the BPD relationship, and it is good to know and talk about. That being said, I see you're here on the "Bettering a relationship" board, so it sounds like you want to try to repair things with her?

Did I read your post correctly that she initiated the breakup? Sorry if I missed that in there.

And odd question, is her father still alive? It might be coincidence that things went south around Fathers Day weekend, but that did stand out to me.

One of the key things to know about choosing to return to or stay in a BPD relationship is that as counterintuitive as it sounds, you'll have better odds for success when you focus more of your energy on... yourself, not her. Working on building up a healthy sense of self, a strong mental health foundation, and new communication tools and skills can help you more than focusing on her rapidly changing moods and trying to fix her feelings. Easier said than done -- but so much about BPD is not intuitive.

We do understand here that people stay in BPD relationships for any number of reasons, so take a look at our links and libraries to learn more about healthy staying.

Fill us in a bit more when you have a chance... and be kind to yourself;

kells76

[BernUnit216]

Well she broke NC and now I just feel worse. She tested positive again for the STI but she was only on one week treatment and needed to be on two. She showed me the positive test so I sent her another round of money.
 

Then I again told her I’m sorry and she said I’m sure you didn’t know. I said of course not and that I would’ve gone to war for her so of course I didn’t.

Then she stated it’s fine. I said it’s not fine bc I love you and I wish things didn’t end like this.
 

She’s like well I’m sure you never got tested after being with 100s of women and that it makes her feel dirty.
 

I stated I tested in November 2023 and it’s not 100s of women but I get it. I said I was always honest with you about my past which im not proud of. Then stating but I can’t change it. Then saying she’s far from being dirty. I just feel so dumb.
 

12 days of NC down the drain and now I feel worse. Like you slept with me so many times before but now I make you feel dirty?

[BernUnit216]

To answer some questions yes I’d love to try and repair things especially having a better understanding of what BPD truly is. I want to be patient with her and not throw in the towel. As for the break up she did initiate it. Her father is still alive. When we went to his house I could tell she immediately felt uncomfortable most likely bc it’s the house she grew up in.

[BernUnit216]

Well I was enjoying myself with friends at a pool party/cookout. I go to check my phone and there she is once again reaching out. The nerve of this woman is unreal.

She told me she will not receive her first paycheck for another two weeks and was asking if I could send her money. I did respond with I hate that the only time you ever reach out is when you need money. She goes you think I enjoy this? I'm also having a very hard time getting over what recently happened. I said it's hard for me as well because we could've easily worked through this. She then replied its hard for me to trust anybody. I stated I know that is why I was always honest with you about everything.

She goes look I am not trying to get into a fight alright. I said we aren't fighting at all just at this point trying to figure out what you want. She goes right now I don't want anything.  I state that is what I figured which is why I have chosen to respect your decision. She was like well I feel like an idiot for reaching out to you. I was like don't I will always love and care for you and of course I would want to help. She goes I am assuming there are stipulations. I said there are none. If  we were together I would 100% be there for you but due to the current circumstances I cannot help you. She replied with K. I said I am happy that you're starting your new job and that I'm excited for you. She then goes yup thanks.

Do I feel worse? Honestly I might even feel better because she is showing me her true colors and just how truly toxic she is. I am proud of myself for one being true to myself and also standing my ground and not giving her more money. Was it hard yes because I do have feelings and want to be there for her. A few weeks ago I probably would've caved so I am glad to see that I am healing.

 

[kells76]

I'm working on getting a feel for what happened the other night.

When you checked your phone and saw her reaching out to ask for money (I'm assuming that was the first message?), how did you feel in that moment? Disrespected? Defensive? Let down/disappointed? Hurt? Grieving? All of the above? Something else?

Am I hearing some ambivalence here:

Honestly I might even feel better because she is showing me her true colors and just how truly toxic she is. I am proud of myself for one being true to myself and also standing my ground and not giving her more money. Was it hard yes because I do have feelings and want to be there for her. A few weeks ago I probably would've caved so I am glad to see that I am healing.

Tell me some more about where you're at there -- it sounds like you're feeling better about seeing her toxicity, and also you still have feelings for her and want to support her.

We can feel all kinds of things at the same time, no issues there; it's how we manage those feelings that have a huge impact on our relationships. We can manage those feelings in more effective or less effective ways, and when BPD is involved, it's pretty unintuitive what's the most effective way forward (which is why this site is here   ).

Are you thinking you still want to be in the relationship? Or are you feeling done? No right or wrong answers... but it'll help us help you the most.

[BernUnit216]

I would love to try and make things work with her but she’s made it very clear that she is done and doesn’t want anything right now. The worst thing I can do is chase and continue to confess my love and support for her. My only option at this point is to heal and move on. Will she ever reach out in hopes that we can try things again? I honestly can’t answer that with certainty but I certainly can’t just wait around for that to happen either. I think the best thing i can do is respect her decision to end things and give her the breakup.

[kells76]

No matter what condition or diagnosis or disorder a person has, that person still gets to be a choicemaker, and respecting that means we respect ourselves, them, and the relationship (versus the mindset of "well you have BPD so you don't know what you want so I'll try to convince you" -- not saying you did that, just an example).

The important thing that goes along with respecting her right to be a choicemaker is respecting yourself and making your own choices based on your values, versus reacting to what someone else does. It might be helpful to get clear in your mind what you're choosing to do regardless of what she does or doesn't do or say.

That doesn't mean take a stone-cold, "she can't rattle me", white-knuckling NC approach. That isn't coming from the inside.

It does mean disconnecting your choice from if or when she reaches out again. If you're thinking that if she reaches out again, you might try again, then it may be more helpful to reframe what's going on right now as "you choosing to take a break for yourself to get yourself grounded", versus "absolutely breaking up because she is done... unless she gets back in touch and sounds apologetic, in which case I'm back in".

Breakup language (threats of breaking up, labeling "getting space for yourself" as breaking up, talking about "we're done" and "I'm in NC with her" but then reconnecting) can deeply damage relationships and perpetuate the conflict cycle. So, being really clear with yourself about where you're at will help stop the damage cycle.

Again, there's no right or wrong answer. It's just that it's the worst of both worlds to have a "we're done, I'm NC" mindset if you're choosing to leave the door open a crack "in case she reaches out". If you're considering leaving that door open, then working the relationship tools and skills will be incredibly valuable, no matter what happens. That's OK to want to stay open to a future opportunity -- just do it with an Improving mindset. It's also OK to choose for yourself to be done and move on (sounds like that's where you're leaning), in which case the Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship board will be much more helpful for your journey.

The ball is much more in your court than hers, I think -- we're here to support you on any path you choose.

[BernUnit216]

I do truly love the girl that’s why I let her know I’ll always love and care for her. There are no hard feelings towards her as I’ve taken a huge understanding of just how serious BPD is especially if left untreated. For now I do need to heal and move on bettering myself in the process. If we were to want to work on things I would absolutely be open to the idea under certain circumstances. For now I am sticking to NC unless she initiates contact just for my own mental health. Plus if we are to resume the relationship at some point we both have work ahead of ourselves to truly make it work.

[BernUnit216]

So it has been one month since the breakup. It is hard to believe that it has already been that long as I type this out. Are things any easier? I would say yes they are but definitely have my weak moments which today has been very difficult for me. I think what has delayed my healing is that she has continued to reach out after the breakup with the longest we have gone NC is 11 days which we all know is no time at all. I do know it is my fault as well because I for one didn't have to respond or I could've easily just blocked all forms of contact. I do truly love this girl so one month is by no means enough time to get over somebody especially with there being so much contact after the breakup and also that our relationship  was heading in the right direction until she decided it was no longer what she wanted.

Last Sunday she told me things such as I don't want anything right now, I am having a hard time getting over everything that happened recently and I am having a hard time trusting you it clearly shows me that healing and moving on is the only option. There's so much animosity towards me so any interaction with her at this point will continue to set me back and delay my healing. I did make sure to tell her I will always have love for her and that I am gonna respect the decision that she no longer wants me in her life.

I will say I went on a couple casual dates this week which went well but I felt guilty the entire time as if I was cheating on her. There was nothing sexual at all just felt horrible and was wishing she was the one sitting across from me the entire time. I do truly wish her all the best. Nobody knows what the future has in store but it is obvious at this point in her life she is just not ready for a relationship.

My path is clear. I will continue to stick to NC, focus on me such as getting lost in work, the gym, picking up old hobbies, continue to see my therapist and surround myself with friends and family. I do not expect any responses but any insight is always appreciated. I will continue to give updates in my healing journey as this helps me stick to the path I know I need to stay on to come out of this in a much better headspace.