Trying To Be More Firm With My Needs. Not Doing Well.

[Rayma]

Hi,

I could use some support. I don't know if my spouse has BPD, but I have found great help in using resources intended for people who are dealing with a spouse who has it.

I have been working for a long time on setting up and maintaining my boundaries, looking after myself and what I need. It doesn't always go well and I don't always do it well.

My spouse has been triggered for the past few months because he was trying to plan a trip for just us and he kept being indecisive. He has done this for most of our over 20-year marriage and often he ends up being so indecisive that we don't end up going anywhere. I was doing my best to deal with his short fuse and just not planning a trip at all.

For the last two years, my friend and I have started going on short trips together and my husband has been supportive of that. I have been stressed this year because of him being triggered and having a short fuse. I have a bit of time off and I told him he could plan something, but I also mentioned I might do something with my friend. My friend was being a bit indecisive as well. Finally, my friend decided she wanted to schedule something. I set a date with her but didn't negotiate it with my husband. I just said my friend and I are going on these dates.

He is so mad. We could still go on a trip but now it looks like he is taking all of the negative feelings he had toward himself about being indecisive and putting them on me for deciding that I really need this time with my friend and I won't move it.

I want to somehow remember I am a good person. He makes me feel so bad. He makes me feel I don't deserve anything. I try so hard to be accommodating, but I need a break. I know he will be mad at me about this for a long time, probably years. I'm just having a hard time. I know I didn't do everything right, here. I probably should have asked if the trip with my friend worked for him. I could reschedule with my friend, maybe, but that wouldn't change that my husband will probably be mad at me over this for years.

I have told him I would be happy to go somewhere with him in the two and half weeks I have off, but he is determined to make sure I feel bad that I reserved 4 nights to spend with my friend.

Please help me understand this better. Help me live with myself. I feel just so bad.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[subwaytune]

I am in the same situation as you, you're not alone.

I struggle with boundaries and asserting myself because every time I do, it is seen as a "shift" from my normal saying yes to everything and that triggers their hypervigilance and thinks something is up (in my case). For example, me being exhausted and wanting a day to myself somehow turns into her thinking I don't want to see her.

I used to often go out with friends, plan weekend getaways but ever since a big fight about it, I've been averse to do it. Scared of triggering another episode of paranoia or conflict. I ended up isolating myself for a year now. I'm slowly realizing all this and trying to get back my balanced self, but it is incredibly hard when everything you do is met with pushback instead of support.

You are a good person, but you might have people pleasing tendencies from what I can read ( i see myself in your post). It's worth looking into if you have a therapist.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi,

I could use some support. I don't know if my spouse has BPD, but I have found great help in using resources intended for people who are dealing with a spouse who has it.

I have been working for a long time on setting up and maintaining my boundaries, looking after myself and what I need. It doesn't always go well and I don't always do it well.

My spouse has been triggered for the past few months because he was trying to plan a trip for just us and he kept being indecisive. He has done this for most of our over 20-year marriage and often he ends up being so indecisive that we don't end up going anywhere. I was doing my best to deal with his short fuse and just not planning a trip at all.

For the last two years, my friend and I have started going on short trips together and my husband has been supportive of that. I have been stressed this year because of him being triggered and having a short fuse. I have a bit of time off and I told him he could plan something, but I also mentioned I might do something with my friend. My friend was being a bit indecisive as well. Finally, my friend decided she wanted to schedule something. I set a date with her but didn't negotiate it with my husband. I just said my friend and I are going on these dates.

He is so mad. We could still go on a trip but now it looks like he is taking all of the negative feelings he had toward himself about being indecisive and putting them on me for deciding that I really need this time with my friend and I won't move it.

I want to somehow remember I am a good person. He makes me feel so bad. He makes me feel I don't deserve anything. I try so hard to be accommodating, but I need a break. I know he will be mad at me about this for a long time, probably years. I'm just having a hard time. I know I didn't do everything right, here. I probably should have asked if the trip with my friend worked for him. I could reschedule with my friend, maybe, but that wouldn't change that my husband will probably be mad at me over this for years.

I have told him I would be happy to go somewhere with him in the two and half weeks I have off, but he is determined to make sure I feel bad that I reserved 4 nights to spend with my friend.

Please help me understand this better. Help me live with myself. I feel just so bad.

So...first, I certainly understand how you feel. This isn't easy. However, follow me here...you are concerned that he is going to be mad with you because you are looking after your own wellness right? How about you stop worrying about that like right now and moving forward. You cannot control how he is going to feel or what he is going to think. That is essentially walking on egg shells...Stop It!

You are going to deal with this over and over again...it will not change. So what you can do is adopt a new mindset and how you respond to it by going about your business and continue to do so. Take the lead and he will have to follow.

Being over accommodating is a death knell to most relationships friend or romantic regardless of any mental disorder or illness being involved so approach the situation with a more general mindset and your behavior will appear more authentic, but...and this a big but...you have to remain constant and consistent and not resort to waffling back and forth and flip flopping like a pancake. Remain constant and consistent. Do not change your behaviors to appease...that comes off as fake and sends the signal for him to act up more actually. So when you are ready to adopt the new mindset then do not go back to this place you are at now. You can only control YOU, not him so stop stressing about that because it will just make you run in circles. Now I am going to say this bluntly because it needs to be said....tough  S:cursing: if he is mad...that is his problem to deal with and figure out. Not yours...okay?

Just because you choose to do something for YOU doesn't mean how you feel towards him changed or that you love him any less, etc. You cannot babysit and tend to his every waking need. You need to be ok with him pulling his shenanigans because they won't change unless he wants to change. You may be able to influence change, but you cannot make it happen.

Now by all means please vent and share...we all get it and understand here. This is going to be a process, but you can do it and you can find a way to peace and happiness. Believe in that and most importantly...please believe in yourself. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better! - Use that as a way to guide yourself mentally...it helps you stay positive. If you put your best self forward the other half perhaps may come around. You have to create an atmosphere that he will want to be a part of. Make sense?

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

I am in the same situation as you, you're not alone.

I struggle with boundaries and asserting myself because every time I do, it is seen as a "shift" from my normal saying yes to everything and that triggers their hypervigilance and thinks something is up (in my case). For example, me being exhausted and wanting a day to myself somehow turns into her thinking I don't want to see her.

I used to often go out with friends, plan weekend getaways but ever since a big fight about it, I've been averse to do it. Scared of triggering another episode of paranoia or conflict. I ended up isolating myself for a year now. I'm slowly realizing all this and trying to get back my balanced self, but it is incredibly hard when everything you do is met with pushback instead of support.

You are a good person, but you might have people pleasing tendencies from what I can read ( i see myself in your post). It's worth looking into if you have a therapist.

Perhaps the reason it is seen as a shift is because you do not stick with it. You have to remain constant and consistent. Also set boundaries with conviction. Do YOU, let other half follow.

Keep in mind when trying to set the boundary it will never go over easy...conflict will always arise with anyone in general. That is typical human behavior so stop thinking you can control it or that you can micromanage it and affect the outcome. The only outcomes you can affect are your responses to situations and behaviors.

Still live your life and be YOU. Right now you are not living your life and being YOU, you are merely existing. Get back to what makes you who you are and what attracted her to you in the first place.

Also, my friend I know this is hard and will be hard to hear this from me...the only support you need is YOUR OWN! Eventually if you put that energy out there other people see it and want to be around you to see if they can learn something from you to feel that way too. Project what you want and lead by example. You will not please everyone and you will not be everyone's friend. Be happy with you, make the effort to be decent to everyone, but if someone wants to be an $$hole just go about your business and don't give them any opportunity to get under your skin. Who has enough time for that nonsense in today's world?

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[subwaytune]

For some people, thinking about oneself first is very counter intuitive. You are absolutely right that it is the right thing to do, but when it create such feelings of guilt it makes things very difficult.

Your are also correct saying that me not going through with my decisions and flaking creates an unspoken expectation, resulting in a shift. People pleasing is a curse i'm working to get out of

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Rayma

Have you read Margalis Fjelstadt's book 'Stop Caretaking the NPD/BPD'? It's very empowering and helped me to realize just how much autonomy I do actually have in my life.

It's available on Kindle or audiobook, if that works better for you, or I found it in my local library.

Hold firm and remember that, as we start to make changes, the people with BPD in our lives are inevitably going to kick and scream like two-year-olds. We just need to stay calm and rise above it.

Good luck, and enjoy your vacation with your friend!