First time here and seeking help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,
I was in a 1yr relationship with a beautiful and empathic young woman which ended recently. I've been struggling much harder than I usually do in a break up and the grief has been stronger than I've ever experienced. I've been lost as to why this one has been different. I've been seeing a therapist, spending more time with family and friends and taking up new hobbies. It helps.

But the feelings and loss for my EX has still been strong and I don't have an answer why? My self-esteem, self-worth and value is at the lowest it has ever been for me and I can't explain why? Before the relationship, it was fairly strong ( nobody's perfect ) and confident. But the more I examine my former relationship closely, things weren't as normal such as her falling hard in love for me a week into meeting her and the endless compliments and love bombs I received that made me feel a little uncomfortable at first, but eventually got accustomed to and possibly dependent on a subconscious level; I dunno.

I'm discovering my ex girlfriend very likely has Borderline PD. The more I research BPD, the more answers I am finding about her and our relationship. I am fine with sharing more about her and what my relationship was like if that helps you understand my relationship better. I found this site and hope to learn more about my relationship, my ex, and myself so I am able to empathize with what she's going through and for me to fully heal from my experience.

Thank you for listening!

[Universe1214]

Hi everyone,
I was in a 1yr relationship with a beautiful and empathic young woman which ended recently. I've been struggling much harder than I usually do in a break up and the grief has been stronger than I've ever experienced. I've been lost as to why this one has been different. I've been seeing a therapist, spending more time with family and friends and taking up new hobbies. It helps.

But the feelings and loss for my EX has still been strong and I don't have an answer why? My self-esteem, self-worth and value is at the lowest it has ever been for me and I can't explain why? Before the relationship, it was fairly strong ( nobody's perfect ) and confident. But the more I examine my former relationship closely, things weren't as normal such as her falling hard in love for me a week into meeting her and the endless compliments and love bombs I received that made me feel a little uncomfortable at first, but eventually got accustomed to and possibly dependent on a subconscious level; I dunno.

I'm discovering my ex girlfriend very likely has Borderline PD. The more I research BPD, the more answers I am finding about her and our relationship. I am fine with sharing more about her and what my relationship was like if that helps you understand my relationship better. I found this site and hope to learn more about my relationship, my ex, and myself so I am able to empathize with what she's going through and for me to fully heal from my experience.

Thank you for listening!

[tina7868]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Breakups can be incredibly tough, especially when the relationship was intense and there are aspects that are difficult to understand or explain.

It's commendable that you're seeking to understand more about your ex-girlfriend and her potential condition of BPD. Please feel free to share your insights here at your own pace. A lot of us here `get it`, and will be able to relate and share our own experiences which may further help with your healing process.
 
Remember to be easy on yourself, keep engaging in self-care practices, and take things one step at a time  .

[Universe1214]

Thank you, Tina. And yes, self-care is a priority.

Well, a few things about my ex girlfriend. We met online and matched. I believe she initiated the conversation with a pretty funny and witty line which made me laugh. It quickly turned into a phone conversation and we spoke for a couple hours and it felt effortless. Months later into the relationship, it was this phone call that she fell in love with me. We met up at a public park and the chemistry and vibe was a 12 out of 10. We spent all morning walking and talking getting to know each other. Held hands at one point ( I don't know who initiated), but I did initiate a kiss halfway through the date. It just felt right. We extended the date for lunch and afterwards I was taking her to her car I parked and she proceeded/initiated to get sexually intimate with me in my car. I was not expecting that at all and it did make me feel a bit uncomfortable. I chalked her behavior to being young and impulsive ( she was 22) and I was 45. Yes, big age difference. So that was my first interaction and first date with her. I'll summarize the rest the best I can. Later that evening, we talk on the phone into the night and early morning. These talks will continue every night for a year. Our before bedtime talks would average 1-2 hrs. The day after the date, she tells me she's in love with me. She starts lavishing me with tons of praise both physical and intellectual praises. It comes on heavy and at first I don't know what to do with it. I would always respond to her praise with my praise for her.  But in time, it started to grow on me and I started enjoying to hear it. She also was highly sexual. Sex with her happened every time she was with me and she told me she wanted it all the time with me. It was also unprotected. However things started to change when her friends and family discovered my age. Her Dad and I had a talk over the phone. He tells me she falls hard in love very easily and that she needs help and to work on her well-being. He asked me to stop seeing her so she can get healthy.  And I almost did. I tried. But when I told her what we needed to do, she cried and pleaded with me not to go through with it. I felt terrible. She becomes transparent and tells me she was admitted into an in-patient hospital for an extended time. She didn't say when, but it appears it was around 1-2 yrs prior to me meeting her. She also tells me she's on medication and sees a therapist weekly. And so, in hopes she gets better, I continued seeing her. Her parents, family and friends remained against it and this caused her to start questioning the relationship. There would be times she would call me and ask what my motives were for dating her and say that it was weird and not normal because of our age gap. It had a disrespectful tone at times and it really hurt. I would defend myself and tell her these questions did not make me feel good. It wasn't long, often the same day, that she would tell me she didn't know what she was thinking and still wanted me, loves me and sees me as her husband. This would happen off and on over the next year, usually with quick turn arounds in the same day. It didn't happen every day, but it seems like it was a topic to discuss once or so a month. And we had a total of 3 break ups which she initiated all of them. The 1st one lasted a day and she came back telling me she wanted me back, her parents pressured her and all they do is shame her. She said her childhood and her parents were not normal at all. Her relationship with her Dad was unhealthy. She made comments that she has low self esteem, doesn't love herself and hates herself. It was heartbreaking to hear her say this. I was as supportive, empathetic and validating as I could be. The 2nd breakup lasted a month. She came back and told me she planned to move out and be closer to me. I let her back in. There was a plan but it fell apart a month or two later. The 3rd one she said she couldn't see a future with me because of my age gap and said she wanted me to find someone else. I had contact with my ex twice after that 3rd breakup. The initial NC lasted for 2 months, but when I broke it, she unloaded emotions of her missing me, strong feelings and still in love. I took the bait only to be let down a week or so later. This sadly happened twice. Each time I reached out to check on her I started not saying much as I was careful with my initial texts. She even told me upon receiving them that she appreciated me framing it with boundaries but she would respond with a tidal wave of feelings of her missing me, strong feelings and still in love with me. I believed there was something we can still work with after haring this. We talked every day and night and went on a couple dates and had sex. But it didn't matter. She started having mixed feelings, went hot and cold and when I confronted her about the cold shoulder, she finally opened up. She did tell me again that her self esteem is low, doesn't love who she is and compares herself to her friends who are graduating college (she dropped out) and are getting married and having kids. She's having FOMO. And she was feeling an internal tug of war of keeping me because she loves me so much and letting me go because of my age. She blamed me for prolonging the ability for her to move on from me and put me in her "memories" because I contacted her. I was confused as I thought she was ok with it a week earlier. It made me feel extremely guilty. I have not contacted her for 2 months to respect her wish and to gain back my self-respect and protect myself. She has found a few ways to reconnect with me indirectly through social media since asking for space. They're like little reminders from her that she's still thinking of me. That frustrates me but I do miss her. When she was sweet, she was the sweetest girl I ever had. She was very good at empathizing and understanding me. But I felt such a huge void that I've never experienced before. I went from having my own internal validation to subconsciously turning it off because I no longer needed it. And when she left me, in enough time, I noticed I was struggling in my sense of self along with my worth and value. And there was no auto "on" switch. My 3rd and final breakup was extremely hard. One of the hardest and that's up against the divorce of my ex-wife of 10 years who cheated on me! It wasn't until just a few days ago that I started making connections with her behavior and BPD. If she indeed has it, it will provide such a big understanding for me. I want to empathize and understand what she's going through. I want to forgive her because I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy. I still love her and want her to heal from this as well.

[Universe1214]

Thank you, Tina. And yes, self-care is a priority.

Well, a few things about my ex girlfriend. We met online and matched. I believe she initiated the conversation with a pretty funny and witty line which made me laugh. It quickly turned into a phone conversation and we spoke for a couple hours and it felt effortless. Months later into the relationship, I learned from her that it was this phone call that she fell in love with me. We met up at a public park and the chemistry and vibe was a 12 out of 10. We spent all morning walking and talking getting to know each other. Held hands at one point ( I don't know who initiated), but I did initiate a kiss halfway through the date. It just felt right. We extended the date for lunch and afterwards I was taking her to her car I parked and she proceeded/initiated to get sexually intimate with me in my car. I was not expecting that at all and it did make me feel a bit uncomfortable. I chalked her behavior to being young and impulsive ( she was 22) and I was 45. Yes, big age difference. So that was my first interaction and first date with her. I'll summarize the rest the best I can. Later that evening, we talk on the phone into the night and early morning. These talks will continue every night for a year. Our before bedtime talks would average 1-2 hrs. The day after the date, she tells me she's in love with me. She starts lavishing me with tons of praise both physical and intellectual praises. It comes on heavy and at first I don't know what to do with it. I would always respond to her praise with my praise for her.  But in time, it started to grow on me and I started enjoying to hear it. She also was highly sexual. Sex with her happened every time she was with me and she told me she wanted it all the time with me. It was also unprotected. However things started to change when her friends and family discovered my age. Her Dad and I had a talk over the phone. He tells me she falls hard in love very easily and that she needs help and to work on her well-being. He asked me to stop seeing her so she can get healthy.  And I almost did. I tried. But when I told her what we needed to do, she cried and pleaded with me not to go through with it. I felt terrible. She becomes transparent and tells me she was admitted into an in-patient hospital for an extended time. She didn't say when, but it appears it was around 1-2 yrs prior to me meeting her. She also tells me she's on medication and sees a therapist weekly. And so, in hopes she gets better, I continued seeing her. Her parents, family and friends remained against it and this caused her to start questioning the relationship. There would be times she would call me and ask what my motives were for dating her and say that it was weird and not normal because of our age gap. It had a disrespectful tone at times and it really hurt. I would defend myself and tell her these questions did not make me feel good. It wasn't long, often the same day, that she would tell me she didn't know what she was thinking and still wanted me, loves me and sees me as her husband. This would happen off and on over the next year, usually with quick turn arounds in the same day. It didn't happen every day, but it seems like it was a topic to discuss once or so a month. And we had a total of 3 break ups which she initiated all of them. The 1st one lasted a day and she came back telling me she wanted me back, her parents pressured her and all they do is shame her. She said her childhood and her parents were not normal at all. Her relationship with her Dad was unhealthy. She made comments that she has low self esteem, doesn't love herself and hates herself. It was heartbreaking to hear her say this. I was as supportive, empathetic and validating as I could be. The 2nd breakup lasted a month. She came back and told me she planned to move out and be closer to me. I let her back in. There was a plan but it fell apart a month or two later. The 3rd one she said she couldn't see a future with me because of my age gap and said she wanted me to find someone else. I had contact with my ex twice after that 3rd breakup. The initial NC lasted for 2 months, but when I broke it, she unloaded emotions of her missing me, strong feelings and still in love. I took the bait only to be let down a week or so later. This sadly happened twice. Each time I reached out to check on her I started not saying much as I was careful with my initial texts. She even told me upon receiving them that she appreciated me framing it with boundaries but she would respond with a tidal wave of feelings of her missing me, strong feelings and still in love with me. I believed there was something we can still work with after haring this. We talked every day and night and went on a couple dates and had sex. But it didn't matter. She started having mixed feelings, went hot and cold and when I confronted her about the cold shoulder, she finally opened up. She did tell me again that her self esteem is low, doesn't love who she is and compares herself to her friends who are graduating college (she dropped out) and are getting married and having kids. She's having FOMO. And she was feeling an internal tug of war of keeping me because she loves me so much and letting me go because of my age. She blamed me for prolonging the ability for her to move on from me and put me in her "memories" because I contacted her. I was confused as I thought she was ok with it a week earlier. It made me feel extremely guilty. I have not contacted her for 2 months to respect her wish and to gain back my self-respect and protect myself. She has found a few ways to reconnect with me indirectly through social media since asking for space. They're like little reminders from her that she's still thinking of me. That frustrates me but I do miss her. When she was sweet, she was the sweetest girl I ever had. She was very good at empathizing and understanding me. But I felt such a huge void that I've never experienced before. I went from having my own internal validation to subconsciously turning it off because I no longer needed it. And when she left me, in enough time, I noticed I was struggling in my sense of self along with my worth and value. And there was no auto "on" switch. My 3rd and final breakup was extremely hard. One of the hardest and that's up against the divorce of my ex-wife of 10 years who cheated on me! It wasn't until just a few days ago that I started making connections with her behavior and BPD. If she indeed has it, it will provide such a big understanding for me. I want to empathize and understand what she's going through. I want to forgive her because I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy. I still love her and want her to heal from this as well.

[once removed]

I've been struggling much harder than I usually do in a break up and the grief has been stronger than I've ever experienced. I've been lost as to why this one has been different.

what was your life like before you met her?

[ForeverDad]

Her Dad and I had a talk over the phone. He tells me she falls hard in love very easily and that she needs help and to work on her well-being... She becomes transparent and tells me she was admitted into an in-patient hospital for an extended time... She also tells me she's on medication and sees a therapist weekly. And so, in hopes she gets better, I continued seeing her... And we had a total of 3 break ups which she initiated all of them.

BPD is an acting-out disorder most evident to those in the closest of relationships.  Yet, in almost every case, those closest can't "fix" the other due to the emotional baggage of the relationship.

I have not contacted her for 2 months to respect her wish and to gain back my self-respect and protect myself.

After a BPD traits relationship has ended, it is better all around to end all contact.  That's just the reality.  You may have a natural urge to seek closure but, frankly, you will have to Gift yourself the Closure you seek.

Recovery is a process, not an event.  Give it time.

[Universe1214]

what was your life like before you met her?

That's a good question. I'll start from 2-3 yrs before we met.

The last relationship I was in before I met her lasted about a year and a half and ended in 2021. The end of that relationship was disappointing, but amicable. I did not go through the stages of grief or feel such a heavy weight like I did with my recent exgf. We started dating in 2023 so there was a 2 year gap between significant relationships. That was partly Covid and mostly being content being a single-father and enjoying life, even though I did not have a partner. But that was ok, I didn't need a partner. I did go on dates here and there, yet nothing connected. And I don't settle for just anyone.

But then she came into my life and I was blown away from the level of interest, infatuation and love she had for me ( and so quickly). I picked up quick that it was not normal, but it was too late for me.

[kells76]

We started dating in 2023 so there was a 2 year gap between significant relationships. That was partly Covid and mostly being content being a single-father and enjoying life, even though I did not have a partner. But that was ok, I didn't need a partner. I did go on dates here and there, yet nothing connected. And I don't settle for just anyone.

But then she came into my life and I was blown away from the level of interest, infatuation and love she had for me ( and so quickly). I picked up quick that it was not normal, but it was too late for me.

That stood out to me -- it makes it sound out of your control, though correct me if I'm misreading there. I'm curious to hear you flesh that out a little more?

[HealthTeacher]

I had the love bombing experience too, which, I knew was love-bombing, and I told everyone that I could handle it... and that it "wouldn't work" on me.

Oooohhhhh boy was I wrong.

It also made me uncomfortable at first, as you had said. It was too late for me and I didn't even realize it.

He said "I love you" on the first date. We were intimate on the first date. We never directly or bluntly discussed being "together" or exclusive. He just assumed we were, and I let him assume that for about a month, as I also casually dated other people or kept the door open to meet someone else. He remained in the background and the foreground, meeting every emotional need I had and even those I didn't know I had. Seeing/chatting with, and even having sleepovers with other men in the first month was (the way I rationalized it to myself) a tactic to reduce the effect the love-bombing had on me and to encourage me to keep my options open and not get swept away by the romanticism... it didn't work.

I relate to you about how it erodes you... in ways you didn't see coming and in ways the previous version of yourself would have said, "That's not going to happen to me," then it does. The love chemicals we are flooded with create an addiction. It's like someone is shoving the heroin needle into you, which you don't like, but then don't hate the sensations that follow... until the bad ones start to pour in... and you realize the union has now become a toxic reality that is overshadowing your sense of self.

If we find someone attractive and engaging... and they love-bomb us, I think we tend to give it a pass... but if we don't find them attractive and engaging.... and they love-bomb, we get "the ick" and move away... considering them insecure, clingy, or crazy.... but when they are attractive and alluring... we can rationalize it... even though part of us still gets "the ick." I have met men who have used similar conscious or unconscious tactics with love-bombing to get me hooked... but it didn't work... but when you actually "vibe" with the person doing it, it feels like a fairytale... and the "ick" we might feel when they fall so hard and so fast, almost feels like there's something wrong with us. I remember thinking "don't be so resistant, this person only wants to love and adore you, so let them." I was incredibly naive. Both of us were. He didn't know what he was doing. This was also new for him, since he has an avoidant attachment style and had avoided being emotionally intimate and close with women for about 20 years. Now I can see why... he feels strong feelings and it was easier to avoid intimacy... but then he met me... and BAM! His BPD came out like never before and neither of us really knew what was happening until his diagnosis.

Your EX and her family knew...

Fortunately, you can rebuild. This hell is a reality for her for the rest of her life, and her family's too if she cannot recover fully. Not everyone can recover fully. My heart goes out to everyone. It just plain sucks all around. People with BPD are worthy of love and they have the capacity to love so hard... but damn... it's going to be tough for them to find someone who can exist in that environment without collateral damage.