quiteBPD , will they get bored in marriage or kids?

[BlissfulHeart]

Thanks a lot for the support my friends, it means a lot. sorry for my English I am not a native speaker. this is my story and would love some help/guidance. I tried my best to keep it short

I fell in love with someone who was likely undiagnosed with quiet BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). We had been friends for over 10 years and were in a long-distance relationship for more than 5 years.

It started with a strong connection, and eventually, I had to decide whether to continue my marriage or pursue this new relationship. My ex pushed me to leave my marriage. She was obsessed with me and insisted I divorce my wife so we could start a new life together. We lived in different countries, and she promised to move to mine.
I divorced my wife (we have one child), and my ex-wife relocated to her own country. However, my ex then said she couldn’t move to be with me because of her well-paying job in her home country.

Our relationship was somewhat taboo in our society, and rumours spread that our relationship was the reason my marriage fell apart, which devastated our families. My ex kept saying she didn’t need marriage, that our love was enough, and that I was her soulmate (and all classic BPD love-bombing words).

After 4 years, she suddenly started expressing doubts, saying she might want marriage after all—possibly triggered by her ex getting married at that time. She tried to reconnect with her other ex to get married, even though she had previously described him as a narcissist who had caused her significant distress. I was there for her during that difficult time. When I confronted her about reconnecting with him, she left him and came back to me with a lot of apologies and she was in love with the idea of the relationship ( marriage) and all she wanted was me and she didn’t care about people thinking it as taboo or not. At that time, I didn’t know about BPD, so I foolishly accepted her back. ( she is genuinely a kind-hearted, caring, helping minded and loving person )

We resumed our relationship, travelled together, and I asked her to make up her mind about whether she wanted marriage or not. She assured me that she just wanted to be with me without marriage. But a few months later, she began expressing doubts again, saying she talked to her cousins and felt confused because they were all getting married.
I told her to make up her mind. Suddenly, she ended the relationship, saying it was the hardest decision, she spoke with her cousins and they suggested it was better to go for a normal life than continue a taboo relationship and lose everyone (in their eyes). On the day we broke up, she said I was an amazing person, her favourite, and best friend, but she didn’t want to continue (I guess she was just trying to be nice about the breakup).
She knew how much I had sacrificed for her—my divorce, my child moving to another country, living alone, moving to rent houses etc hoping to start a new life with her.( i offered to even move to her country and work there)

After breakup , I wished her well and went no-contact, but soon found out she had started dating someone new in her country just 4 days after our breakup. I was shocked, especially since she had professed her love for me just a week before.
I knew she had "monkey-branched," as she was constantly on the phone with another guy on the breakup days (I spent 3 days at her place after the first day of the breakup because I had visited her with friends).

I was so upset and disappointed in myself. I asked her a lot of questions (via text and phone) because nothing made sense. We had a very strong bond for decades. She kept denying everything and blamed me for my reaction when I asked her why she did this to someone who had done so much for her for decades. I sent a few texts expressing my confusion (at the time, I still didn’t know about BPD).

She shifted the blame onto me, saying I had traumatized her by asking these questions. I apologized and went no-contact again. That’s when I learned about BPD and started reading books and watching therapy videos about BPD, codependency, and self-care. I’m doing much better now, though I’m still healing.

After some cold conversations, she started saying she didn’t want to lose our bond as best friends and that she wanted me in her life and missed me. She even made some efforts to stay in touch,(New guy doesn’t know about us and she has no plan to tell about us as it may be taboo )  but I preferred to keep our contact to a minimum due to a pre-arranged holiday. (I wanted to go no-contact.)

I’m in low contact (LC) now. I can talk to her anytime, and she responds, but I haven’t initiated any contact since the breakup. I know she wants marriage and a family (because her cousins are getting married, and she desires a family life).
I believe she idealized me for over 4 years and then split when her ex got married (we all attended the wedding, and she acted strangely that day. Our major issues began a few weeks later). I don’t think she has completely "split me black" (maybe she did completely devalue me?), as she still tries to keep me in her life as a best friend and important person (or maybe these are just typical BPD words).

I’m not sure how long her new relationship will last or if it will lead to marriage and kids, but her longest relationship apart from ours was 4 years (she’s had only four relationships in total, excluding the new one, I think she gets bored with the same person after 3 or 4 years ).


I’m in NC, only responding briefly when she reaches out. For the first two weeks after the breakup, I worried I had CPTSD because nothing made sense until I found out about BPD. So, I started focusing on self-care, meeting friends, going to the gym, and pursuing my hobbies. It’s been 1.5 months now, and I’m in a better place than the first few weeks ago. I didn’t believe this rug pull was real—I was horrified, and nothing made sense until I found out about BPD.

However, I’m still in LC because we have a very expensive 20-day holiday booked with two other friends (no refund). I’m torn about whether to go, as I may get triggered if any discussion about her new guy comes up. Maybe I can control myself.

I’m also conflicted about whether I want her back if her current relationship ends. I suspect it might last 3 or 4 years, possibly leading to marriage and kids, but then she may get bored with her milestones achieved and try to come back to me.

 I understand that everything with BPD is unpredictable, so I’m not putting my life on hold. I’m focusing on self-care and my goals, but a part of me still wants to remain positive and hope for her return. If she does come back, I’d want her to undergo DBT, though I know it takes years to recover and nothing will guarantee her being with me( she may be married and in her mid-30s so fewer options ? ).

She always asked me what was wrong with her and wanted me to explain or help. Now I know what it is, but I know it’s not a good idea to tell her directly. I can guide her to BPD theory, but only if she comes back, I am really in love with this person and she was too, just if she didn't have that BPD.

regardless I am planning to go to NC after the holiday.

She fits almost all the criteria for quiet BPD—emptiness, depression, mood swings, relationship issues, gaslighting, boredom, etc.
It’s been more than 1.5 months since the breakup.
My questions are:

Do you think it’s a bad idea to go on holiday? If I go, I plan to be casual, enjoy it, and not bring up anything related to the breakup.

Will marriage and kids fix the pwBPD?

Do you have any advice on whether I should wait to see if their relationship works out?

should I have no contact after the holiday ends ( if I am going to holiday I need to be in touch for arrangements and all , but low contact)

how to behave or react now that I know what’s wrong with her but none of our common friends know?

we are in a very closed society and may see her in functions and all but yah.

 (I know this might be a foolish question since everyone is different and BPD is unpredictable, but I’m curious if anyone has had a similar experience and can get any sort of help )

thanks a lot for reading this far.
you guys are amazing,
love you all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello BlissfulHeart and welcome to the group   Many of us here have experienced what you have, where interactions are confusing and don't make sense; then, you find out about BPD and the pieces start to fit together. It can be really meaningful to find a structure for understanding a partner or former partner's behaviors and actions.

Each pwBPD (person with BPD) is unique -- they are more than their PD -- and every situation is unique, so feedback on your questions may look similar to some advice and different from other advice. You know you and your life the best, so if something doesn't seem to fit, that's fine.

Couple of initial thoughts on your questions:

Do you think it’s a bad idea to go on holiday? If I go, I plan to be casual, enjoy it, and not bring up anything related to the breakup.

For me, a lot would depend on the logistics. Is everyone sleeping in the same room/house/area? Are activities planned for all four persons together? Do you get along with the other two persons? Do you, personally, want to visit this location, or is it more about not losing the financial investment? Might you get caught/trapped alone together with your pwBPD?

A lot would also depend on her traits. Some pwBPD can make false accusations that significantly impact one's employment, reputation, and criminal record. That would certainly be a concern for me if I were alone with a pwBPD who might want to get back together if I didn't, or who was trying to leave me and I wanted to be together.

Will marriage and kids fix the pwBPD?

If BPD is what's going on (and we can't diagnose anyone), then it's a real, significant, and impairing mental disorder. That means that it is not caused or cured by external circumstances. Changing external circumstances does not cure mental illnesses; only meaningful engagement with validated treatment can do that.

A pwBPD may be emotionally convincing when discussing what would make him/her "truly content" or "genuinely happy". Part of the disorder is that the pwBPD may experience feelings as facts: "If I feel like having a baby would make me well, then it must be actually true".

There is no necessary relationship between marriage/children and how well a pwBPD is doing. Marriage and children can bring joy, and can also be major stressors. By definition, pwBPD struggle to cope with even "normal" stressors in a healthy way.

Do you have any advice on whether I should wait to see if their relationship works out?

What would your goal be?

should I have no contact after the holiday ends ( if I am going to holiday I need to be in touch for arrangements and all , but low contact)

Again, it's really important to know what your goal would be. You're in control of how much contact with her you have. Understanding your own motivation is key for making wise decisions.

how to behave or react now that I know what’s wrong with her but none of our common friends know?

we are in a very closed society and may see her in functions and all but yah.

 (I know this might be a foolish question since everyone is different and BPD is unpredictable, but I’m curious if anyone has had a similar experience and can get any sort of help )

The pwBPD in my life is my husband's kids' mom. She was involved with his best friend during the divorce and married the best friend 6 months after the divorce. We are all part of a very small subcommunity in our medium-sized city (not a large city). It's the kind of community where my college boyfriend's cousin was my H's kids' schoolteacher, and my H's half sister married my college boyfriend's younger brother -- that kind of thing.

I've chosen not to air my suspicions about BPD to anyone in the community (except my therapist). Over time, people have seen her (and her H's) behaviors with their own eyes and people who want to see the truth will put it together. People who aren't interested in healthy relationships won't see it even if I "explain" it to them. If someone were to approach me and ask me point-blank "do you think she has BPD" then I'd probably say "well, whatever it's called, my issues are with her behaviors and actions, not the label". I don't offer my hypothesis because the issue isn't "getting people to agree with me", it's living my own life as effectively as I can with the level of interaction I have to have with her. ANd, oddly, I have never been in a situation in our small community where in order to move forward effectively, I had to air my suspicions. I've been able to focus on problem-solving around her behaviors and that's been most effective, more so than explaining my theories to others.

Be the bigger person -- focus on you and improving yourself and your life. Be a person with integrity and honesty, true to your word, not gossiping about or blaming others, and people who are true friends will see the truth. Don't worry about what other people do or don't think about her -- she gets to show others who she is, that's not your job.

...

Any of that helpful? Anything off target?

Lots to think through, I know!

Glad you're here;

kells76

[BlissfulHeart]

Thanks a lot for the reply kells76. for your questions

 

Is everyone sleeping in the same room/house/area? 

mostly same room but different beds

 

Are activities planned for all four persons together? 

Mostly travelling and yes all people together

 

Do you get along with the other two persons?

Yes , I do

 

Do you, personally, want to visit this location, or is it more about not losing the financial investment? 

Yes it’s kind of a dream location for me.

 

Might you get caught/trapped alone together with your pwBPD?

I don’t think so, however, also she is a quiet pwBDP. no rages and she has a lot of respect on me. so it won't go to police or something in any case I guess. 

 

What would your goal be?

I would like to give the relationship another try , so not sure if I may ruin it by going to holiday or maybe it's a better option. ( she wanted me to come to the holiday regardless )

also, since she kept on asking me what was wrong with her and she told me most of the symptoms of BPD by herself. I am thinking maybe if I can point her to a therapist ( indirectly)  and try to get her to DPT, we may have another chance for our relationship.  however she is dating to get married and it may end up in marriage.


 

society and Friends

I talked about society because, She got into this relationship regardless of society's opinions, and age because she was in love with me etc ( we have  12-year age gap, i am older). but now the reason for her leaving is society does not approve of our marriage and that’s the reason for her being mysterious, depressed and feeling empty because she’s not married and has no kids at age 28. 

I didn’t plan to tell anyone about potential BPD , but she is telling our mutual friends that i treated her well on the relationship and badly at/after the breakup  ( kind of a smear campaign ? , i just questioned her behavior on emotional cheating and monkey branching in a very polite way, but that triggered her and made her traumatized. Later she accepted and apologized for her behaviour  )

[kells76]

So there are 4 people going on the trip, she is one of them, and she's also currently in a relationship?

Is one of the persons going on the trip her current partner?

[BlissfulHeart]

Thank you for the reply kells76,

Yes she is one of them and she monkey branched on me and in that relationship now. no her current partner is not coming for the trip. i am still bit confused as what to do.