Exhausted

[Lost1223]

I have been married to my BPD life for just over a year and we have been together for four years. We currently have a four year old and 18 month old. I have been struggling with the relationship for a while but recently I am just out of gas.  I am also starting to be concerned that my wife is taking away energy I need to take care of the children.

At this point I just kind of expect her to go off at any point and then to wake up the next day like nothing happened. On top of that she is constantly having issues at work and I am in a constant state of anxiety about her losing her job and not getting another one. If that happens our entire financial situation will crumble to the point where we will have to sell our house. I make good money but the cost of living has skyrocketed and we are living paycheck to paycheck on both our salaries.

The biggest issue I have with her is that she never happy. There is always something to complain about and she always need to be the center of attention and the victim. On several occasions she has outright admitted that she jealous of the attention I give our youngest child, whom I almost exclusively take care of while she lies in bed complaining about having to work and how exhausted she is.

She also gets sick a lot and lies in bed. Sometimes she is legitimately sick but it happens so often that I suspect she uses it as an excuse to stay in bed. On the other hand I get very little help when I am sick and have to power through. At one point she refused to watch our youngest child for just one night so that I could rest while I had the flu.

I love her and am worried about her getting split custody In a divorce because she is not able to handle the kids alone. Every time I leave the house, even for fifteen minutes, I get several phone calls asking me how soon I will be home because she is overwhelmed.

She also constantly accuses me of cheating and sends a bunch of nasty text messages. In the two most recent examples I was working a very late night, which she knew, and in the other I was resting on the couch but she accused me of chrating because she couldn't find me in thr house. At times she will also just send me unbelievable nasty texts that I have learned to just not read. They used to upset but at this point I just realize she is having an episode.

She also will tell me that she wants a divorce. That used to send me into a panic and I would argue with her that we shouldn't. But now I just say "ok. If that is what you want." Now she accuses me of not fighting for our marriage and I just tell her that I'm not going to play that game anymore.

I am just dead tired. I love her and feel like I have to stay in this marriage for the kids but don't know what to do. I am getting concerned that I am going to collapse from exhaustion.

I have tried everything especially validation but it seems to help only marginally if at all.

I am far from perfect and used to frequently engage in arguments with her but have worked hard at stopping that and just walking away whenever either of us starts to get frustrated. For the most part that ends the conversation and things calm down but occasionally she will follow me around the house screaming at me.

I guess I just need to vent but am also wondering if anyone has any suggestions for how to deal with the exhaustion.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Truvada]

You need to set up strong boundaries for yourself one of which is that you need a certain amount of rest and relaxation time that must not be disturbed by her shenanigans unless it’s a true emergency.

Also does your wife seem to fear abandonment more or crave attention more?

If abandonment she’s probably BPD.

If attention she’s probably HPD (Histrionic Personality Disordered).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

It’s a slightly different generally milder form of BPD (for the person afflicted) but still every bit as damaging as standard BPD for the person that’s in the relationship with them.

Anyway if you go through with a divorce or it otherwise implodes by her devaluing you and discarding you ie leaving you, you may want to begin a 12 step program of recovery by joining CODA.org as everyone whose in a relationship with one of these people for any significant amount of time is a codependent.

That means you’re basically a people pleaser that will sacrifice your own happiness, time and energy chasing after your Cluster B significant other’s fleeting love because they become the stand in avatar for our mothers who did not give us sufficient love and acknowledge as very young children or babies when we needed them the most even if our relationship is good with them as adults.

You become the avatar for this with a histrionic or a borderline as well but their trauma and neglect from this was far worse which is what turned them into an HPD or BPD to begin with.

[RazorRamon]

Brother, I hear you. Especially the cruel & nasty text messages. When my wife is having an episode she says the meanest things she can think of. I call it rage texting & like you, have learned just to ignore it, which usually only makes her angrier. I don’t know that I have advice, but you’re not alone.

[kells76]

Hi Lost1223 and welcome to the group 

Many members here have also arrived feeling exhausted and overwhelmed in their BPD relationships; you're not alone. Adding parenting on top of that and it's no wonder you've got nothing in the tank.

Staying in, and/or improving, a BPD relationship can be pretty unintuitive and take different "moves" than a more "normal" (I use that loosely) relationship. For example, in a "generally normal" relationship, there's a long-term balanced give-and-take. It's expected, whether tacitly or explicitly, that partners will share tasks, whether sharing the same task between them, or each taking ownership of different tasks, or achieving an agreeable split some other way, or over a long time span (i.e. one partner working out of the home for 5 years, then trading to the other partner).

A BPD relationship doesn't usually function according to "generally normal" rules. It can be thought of as an "emotional special needs" relationship. If your partner used a wheelchair, you would have to adjust your expectations of what your partner was really capable of physically. Otherwise, you'd grow resentful over time: "why do I always have to reach the stuff up high, why doesn't she ever have to do that, it isn't fair".

Your wife, if BPD is in play, is similarly impaired... though not in a way that is as visible as using a wheelchair. BPD is a real and serious mental illness that impacts the sufferer's worldview/"lenses", ability to regulate emotions, bandwidth before getting overwhelmed, and ability to have and maintain close relationships, among other areas.

There's a sense in which "what you see is what you get" with her, it seems like. It isn't fair that she did not take care of your youngest when you were ill... and that's the disorder, right there. It is possible that she is a severely limited person and the way it showed up was her not parenting when you needed it.

What's important to remember is that you get to make choices in all of this. If you choose to stay, we're here to walk with you as you learn and apply new, counter-intuitive tools and skills to make your life more livable. The approaches we teach here aren't to "fix" her... they're to help you find a life worth living if you choose to be in a BPD relationship. People stay for all kinds of reasons and we respect that here.

Probably the "worst of all worlds" scenario would be to stay in the relationship without radically accepting her limitations and without building the key tools of validation and boundaries. basically, having a "leaving" mentality while remaining together.

The best possible scenario is you learning, building skills, practicing, and growing, modeling a healthier path forward for her and the kids, and being OK with her choosing whatever she chooses.

While there are no guarantees in a BPD relationship, what comes pretty close is the knowledge that the only person we can control is us.

...

am also wondering if anyone has any suggestions for how to deal with the exhaustion.

My H's kids' mom has many BPD type traits and behaviors. While the kids are older now (16 & 18), when they were younger, it was really difficult to coparent. Trying to get agreement was like pulling teeth and led to resentment and frustration on our part.

What we learned over the years is not to rely on her for stuff we needed to happen. BPD impaired her ability to cooperate, plan, and follow through.

When BPD is in play with parenting, it is much more effective to plan all child care, transportation, support, babysitting, meals, etc, on your own (i.e., deputizing others to help you out -- teenage baby sitter, grandparents, sending the kids to day camp, Walmart meals, school aftercare), versus asking/hoping/expecting a parent wBPD to help you when you're exhausted.

It isn't fair and it isn't how you wanted it to be, but if you can outsource as much kid help as possible, that is both accepting that she has serious limitations, and gives you a break so you aren't at 110% exhaustion all the time.

We do all the transportation for our 16 year old right now. It is 100% us and 0% Mom. It isn't fair or equitable, but it is effective and safe. I no longer resent her "not doing her part" because she wasn't very reliable anyway. If we were getting overwhelmed with driving the kids around, I'd probably ask my parents for help.

This is not normal-range parenting but you need to get yourself well rested and closer to baseline so you can function long term. Once you have sleep/exhaustion more under control, I think a lot of the other pieces will fall into place.

What do you think?