1st post, 1st timer, trying to salvage a sinking ship

[uncle_radical]

Hi all,

Thanks for being here, having this site, and making it possible for poor caretakers to brush elbows with others who are deep in the throes of trying their damnedest to make their lives work.

I am a sad situation in that I only realized my wife's condition as a BPD sufferer in the last 3 months of a marriage going back to 2011 and a relationship of 3 years prior. 

Full disclosure, my father is a grandiose NPD sufferer and I didn't understand his affliction until I was 26... sad to be sure however better late than never. 

I have a 6 and 8 year old who are now being more and more exposed to the "gravity" their mother exerts on all of us to tow her line and keep her from going into a rage.  She has taken over the last year to adding them into disagreements we have when she rages at me as the "favorite person", a role that I now loathe. 

She is more physical now than she has been in the past and instead of just yelling with wild abandon now feels justified in pushing me around, mostly into walls or cabinets and slamming doors as hard as she can muster.  I'm a 6' 160 lb wiry guy and she a 5'4" 145 lb woman so  I'm not physically hurt but emotionally I am getting so worn thin I don't know how to go on some days. 

4 1/2 months ago she decided I was an "angry person" and that I needed to see a therapist to handle my rage.  I have been gaslit so hard by her that I decided that I'd like to chat with someone about my struggles with being married to her and get advice on what to do, whether it was me or her I finally was ok with any feedback and thought that if it was in fact me that I would be grateful as the onus would be on me to improve thus giving me some control over a better outcome. 

I started seeing a therapist and after 5 sessions, she suggested that my wife may have something called borderline and that I described enough conditions to describe the condition in a textbook manner.  She suggested I take time to look into it and left me between sessions. 

I have read and looked at so many books, sites, youtube vids, and articles to understand exactly what I am up against.  It now makes so much sense and I feel sooo stupid that I didn't see this earlier in my life as I've been completely lost for so long when it comes to her actions, words, gaslighting, splitting, devaluing me, projecting all of her worst thoughts of herself onto me, and very nearly painting me completely black in the process. 

I don't know if we can find a common ground while together.  I have not uttered a single word to her about any of this, she believes I am going to therapy sessions to work on my issues with my NPD father and that's something I want to address however this issue has taken the front seat in my personal thoughts.  I am swimming in shame, grief, hurt, wonder, fear, resentment, sadness, and a marked hopelessness with the grim certainty that I cannot affect any meaningful change so as to move our relationship onto a positive trajectory. 

She will not go to counseling, see a therapist, or entertain the idea of going to a couples counselor.  Ironically, she herself seriously told me she wanted to become a psychologist even though she doesn't want to give anyone pills, wont take them herself, and does not trust any medical doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist at all.  This is the kind of crazy making nuttiness that I am living in. 

As of today, I am trying to understand my options and most center on finding a way to leave without being completely ruined in the process.  If I can find a way to be at least sufficient enough to get another home to rebuild from I feel that I will be resilient enough to emotionally endure for my kids sake.  As the sole breadwinner, work from home father, caretaker to my BPD wife, and "favorite person" extraordinaire, I'm stretched very thin despite rarely leaving my home. 

I guess what I'm here to do is to get a bit of support, and see if I can locate any examples of this type of relationship improving while remaining married???

Of course if it weren't for my incredible kids I would be out the door and let her fend for herself in this crazy world, but leaving them with her seems the most cruel punishment for them to be required to be in her midst with no hope of getting away from the incredible list of things we endure under her rule such as:
irrational angry outbursts,
sudden naps,
lack of enough energy to care for them for a whole day,
blood sugar drops due to not eating or caring for herself leading to fainting spells,
malaise,
IBS-D that flares after every meal,
rage spells that happen at random for any reason,
gaslighting us about her actions,
constant need to be supported regardless of the situation,

and on and on. 

If you resonate with this please tell me about your situation. 

If you found a way to improve your marriage without ending it, please tell me about it. 

Blessings to all of you, you caretakers are some incredibly resilient people and I am in awe of your ability to give so much of yourself. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi uncle_radical and welcome to the group 

So much of your story will be familiar to members here. Many of us have FOO's (families of origin) where family members (parents, siblings, etc) had PD traits. That can really make PD behaviors feel normal to us, like "this is how relationships should feel".

Conflicts can escalate into DV -- anyone can be a victim/recipient of DV, not just females. You're not alone in experiencing violence in the home, and wondering how to keep going when that's in the mix.

It's good that you're seeing a therapist right now. Getting neutral third-party support can be critical for navigating family systems when BPD is in play. I have a therapist I see weekly, and my husband sees our former marriage counselor monthly (Neither of us have BPD, but his kids' mom does, so we needed a lot of support).

And it already takes a lot of energy parenting small kids! I remember when my H's kids were that age, and wow, the physical energy levels were nonstop. Are your kids in school or about to go back? Do they do any extracurriculars/sports yet? Do you have family/friends/babysitters/neighbors around who help watch the kids?

...

If you found a way to improve your marriage without ending it, please tell me about it. 

It's such a personal question, which in a way, can be liberating. You don't need your marriage to look like anyone else's, for it to be livable for you. And that's what the tools and skills here are all about -- not about changing or controlling the pwBPD in your life, but really about identifying what's truly under your control, and what changes you can make and track to see if you can create a more livable life for yourself, no matter who agrees or cooperates or not.

There's a wide range of what success stories can look like. What ties them together isn't the non trying to get the pwBPD to do something or not do something or change. It's about getting yourself healthy, respecting yourself, educating yourself, and growing and changing -- often in uncomfortable or non-intuitive ways -- and then assessing for yourself: is this improved enough for me?

...

What does your T have you working on right now?

have you told your T about the DV?

have you considered calling an anonymous DV hotline in your area, to learn more about options in your situation? (I had to call a DV hotline for the first time a few months ago -- about something at the kids' mom's house -- and it was incredibly helpful)

[uncle_radical]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I appreciate the support.

Are your kids in school or about to go back? Do they do any extracurriculars/sports yet? Do you have family/friends/babysitters/neighbors around who help watch the kids?

They are going back next week after labor day, not many extracurriculars thankfully because adding that pressure and expense would complicate things.  We moved to this home 3 years ago and have limited friends in the area, mostly neighbors.  We have her retired surviving mother about 30 min away who is a good person but has been treated as a mushroom about our issues and seems to only want us to find a way to make it work.  We have my mother and her husband my step father 2.5 hours drive away.  My mom wants to help more but the drive makes it tough, and she still is working so is encumbered with her own schedule.  Also my wife seems to really not mix well with my mother, they've had issues between each other in the past and over the past year my wife seems to be throwing in the towel on being civil. 

What does your T have you working on right now? Have you told your T about the DV?

My T seems to be most interested in me getting a support system set up. She is encouraging me reaching out to family and friends that I have lost along the way to begin to create a network that can help me in the event that I decide to pull the plug and move on.  She has encouraged me to make an appt with a divorce attorney just to see what the likely outcome would be and to sit with that knowledge unknown to my wife. 

The DV is something I have not divulged to my T as I am embarrassed, feel as though it is piling on, and have been worried that they will be compelled to report the activities of my wife which I am not ready to face yet. 

have you considered calling an anonymous DV hotline in your area, to learn more about options in your situation?

I have recently decided to get a list together of phone numbers to help me in the event that she decides to become so out of control that she threatens to take her life again.  It has happened numerous times in the past where she has threatened to do it and blamed it on me and if it should happen again, I want to be able to call the proper authorities and have this treated with the gravity that it deserves.  This may be something that would rattle her enough that she would be able to see how far along a bad path she is and possibly seeks help from there. 

What did you learn from the hotline and who could I call for more info?

[kells76]

They are going back next week after labor day, not many extracurriculars thankfully because adding that pressure and expense would complicate things.  We moved to this home 3 years ago and have limited friends in the area, mostly neighbors.  We have her retired surviving mother about 30 min away who is a good person but has been treated as a mushroom about our issues and seems to only want us to find a way to make it work.  We have my mother and her husband my step father 2.5 hours drive away.  My mom wants to help more but the drive makes it tough, and she still is working so is encumbered with her own schedule.  Also my wife seems to really not mix well with my mother, they've had issues between each other in the past and over the past year my wife seems to be throwing in the towel on being civil. 

Good to hear your kids will be out of the house at school for weekdays -- they can focus on just being kids and having friends, normal stuff.

Any neighbors have kids your kids' ages?

Family can be tricky when juggling marital issues plus kid support. You just kind of deal with the situation you have. 2.5 hours would be a big drive for "just the day". How does everyone get along with your stepdad? (I get along better with my H's stepdad compared to his dad).

Just getting a better picture of what supports you have in place for making sure your kids are taken care of; it's a big variable in your situation.

My T seems to be most interested in me getting a support system set up. She is encouraging me reaching out to family and friends that I have lost along the way to begin to create a network that can help me in the event that I decide to pull the plug and move on.  She has encouraged me to make an appt with a divorce attorney just to see what the likely outcome would be and to sit with that knowledge unknown to my wife. 

Makes sense. Who have you felt comfortable about reconnecting with so far? And do you have some private time (lunch break at work) to call a few family lawyers in your area? Like your T said, it doesn't mean you have to divorce -- it's just educating yourself about how things really work in your area.

The DV is something I have not divulged to my T as I am embarrassed, feel as though it is piling on, and have been worried that they will be compelled to report the activities of my wife which I am not ready to face yet. 

You're not alone in struggling to share things with your therapist. I have a hard time with that, too. You are right that licensed therapists are typically mandatory reporters. My T was the first person who tipped me off that some stuff I'd told her would be reportable. She didn't report right away or without me knowing (long story short, I ended up calling CPS) but she likely would have had to if I didn't.

I wonder how it would go to raise the issue theoretically with your T -- maybe ask something like "so if you heard something like ___________, what would you do? would you have to ____?"

I have recently decided to get a list together of phone numbers to help me in the event that she decides to become so out of control that she threatens to take her life again.  It has happened numerous times in the past where she has threatened to do it and blamed it on me and if it should happen again, I want to be able to call the proper authorities and have this treated with the gravity that it deserves.  This may be something that would rattle her enough that she would be able to see how far along a bad path she is and possibly seeks help from there. 

Good start    What numbers do you have on your list so far?

It might be more helpful to reframe your last sentence. Right now, the focus is on hoping she has some insight or sees the light. What if the focus was: "I want to be able to call the proper authorities and have this treated with the gravity that it deserves, because whether or not she is able to see how far along a bad path she is and possibly seeks help from there, that behavior isn't healthy for our relationship, and I choose to seek professional guidance in those situations"

We don't control if others "see the truth" about their behaviors; and, if BPD is in play, then she is dealing with a serious and impairing mental illness that almost by definition impedes her ability to slow down and think groundedly about choices and consequences. We can control ourselves and we have 100% control over seeking professional, outside help for crisis situations -- kind of like if a burglar was trying to break into your home, you wouldn't stand by the window and try to explain to him that it was a bad path and he was about to hit rock bottom. You're allowed to call the police and that's independent of whether he ever has insight into the cause and effect. Of course we want our loved ones to have insight! It just isn't something we control.

What did you learn from the hotline and who could I call for more info?

My H's oldest (his kids are 16 & 18) disclosed to him that their stepdad was driving erratically and raging with the kids in the car (the kids also have an 11 year old half brother at Mom's house) and wouldn't let the kids leave the vehicle. He also threw and broke things in the home. This disclosure was after ~5 years of gradually increasing safety/home cleanliness issues that the kids would sort of hint at but laugh off. First it was "Stepdad tore the fire alarms off the wall because they wouldn't stop beeping", then SD18's bed was broken and she was having back pain, then SD16 didn't have heat in her room so she took a heater from our house, then their entire basement (where the kids had to do laundry) was infested with fleas that were biting the kids. When I told my T about the safety/hygiene stuff was when she said "you know, I can call CPS for you if you want" and I was pretty shocked -- I knew stuff was bad but hadn't put it all together yet. She didn't call -- I want to clarify, she didn't call at that time because we agreed that there was the potential for a report to make things worse for the kids -- but a couple months later was when SD18 disclosed the DV, and at that point I started doing a lot of calling around to the local DV hotline and CPS. My T later said that if we hadn't called CPS she would have had to.

I didn't want to overreact, because it wasn't super clear if what Stepdad was doing was DV, and everything was just "on the line" enough that it was really difficult to know what to do. And, we do not have a cooperative relationship with Mom/Stepdad, and the kids for many years had been on their "team", so it was not crystal clear that calling CPS would improve the situation.

I mostly called the DV hotline to get a reality check on -- is this actually DV. They didn't come out and say Oh yeah, 100%, but they said there were "red flags" in the situation. Mostly they were really calm, really centering, and I felt like I could call them any time. There was no judgment, and it was completely anonymous -- so the good thing there is that they won't initiate any kind of reporting behind your back or without your knowledge.

The national hotline # is 800.799.SAFE (or text START to 88788). I called my local hotline instead because I wanted local perspective. If you google "Your City, Your State DV hotline" you should get something.

You can also make "hypothetical" calls to CPS. If you call their screening line, you can say "I want to learn more about how you would approach a hypothetical situation where __________". Again, they won't initiate anything if you are asking hypothetically. I did that 3 times I think before making the actual call -- I really wanted to know what we could expect in our area. Things that I didn't think would be a big deal (SD18 thought there might have been black mold) were a huge deal, and things that I thought were the most important (Stepdad raging/throwing/breaking things/driving scarily) got basically no intervention. So I would recommend calling them because our preconceptions about what might happen aren't always accurate.

Any of that sound do-able?

[thankful person]

Hi uncle radical,
I’m a married lesbian, we have 3 ivf babies my dbpdw has carried and birthed. We’ve been married for nearly 7 years. I just wanted to say, I totally get it and have lots to share. It’s not a great time tbh, it’s nearly 1am and my wife is in a different bed with the kids and I just came on here to kill a bit of time to see if she’s finally let up on the latest text tirade. Seems she’s gone silent so I’ll try and get some sleep now. Hang in there. Lots of what you can learn can help your situation, though in my perception it will never be an easy life and the caretaking remains despite trying to get a better balance. Look after yourself. I wish you and your kids the very best.

[uncle_radical]

Thank you all for your help and support, it's really a Godsend to have someone, anyone who will field  a question and lend any support, thank you.

That said things are seeming to be taking a worse turn, my undiagnosed BPD wife has spent the entire day today splitting and devaluing me.  It's been incredibly difficult to keep a level head and not get overcome with emotions.  She is pretty sure she wants to divorce me, and take our two kids to her moms home to live there.  I have been yelled at and threatened numerous times today and told throughout that she is divorcing me, hates me, doesn't even want to look at me and can't imagine staying anywhere near me. 

Naturally, I asked her why she decided that it needs to happen now and what the catalyst was to make her feel this way.  She said that I was a mean person and that I'm a tinman with no emotions, that I do not support her enough with words of affirmation for her stay at home mothering work and good deeds, that I don't put any time into our relationship, and that I am incapable of romance.  She went on to state that she does everything for our family and that I'm lucky that she has stayed with me and that I will be a lonely man in a dirty apartment and that she won't be there to decorate it for me. 

I am admittedly having a really hard time feeling like being intimate with someone who splits, devalues, and screams at me once every week or two for an entire evening sometimes extending into two days.  FYI, I'm a work at home Dad who makes breakfast, drives kids to/from school, does all external home care which is a lot considering the size of our home/lot.  Cook for the fam, clean kitchen/dishes, procure all the food, the list goes on and on.  I let her know that I have had so many tasks given to me by her that I am burnt out and am in need of finishing them and making a boundary not to take any more tasks on until Feb or March to give me time to recuperate and focus on the fun times with her and the kids instead of running from task to task only to have more tasks get added on top. 

To back up, her father died in Oct of 23' and it seems like her BPD symptoms have gone into overdrive since that occurred, however I only learned of BPD and the DSM-5 symptoms in May of this year and have since confirmed to myself that she certainly meets 6 of the 9 traits required.  Of course, she has never been to therapy, refuses to go, and my estimation is that the odds she is actually found to have BPD to be 20-30%.  How a T surmises that a person does have BPD without the favorite person or spouse present is beyond me, especially in her case as I believe she would be considered a "high functioning" sufferer who is relatively good with impulse control outside of our relationship as I am the "favorite person" and carry the additional burdens of that lovely role. 

Since her dad passed, she had numerous very intense panic attacks.  The first was with our family on a trip back from my mothers home on a visit where she started hyperventilating and acting like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. We were in our family van driving when it came out of nowhere, the kids were freaked out, and it lasted for 45 min straight.  It was harrowing to say the least. She commanded me to pull into a grocery store, purchase liquor for her.  She downed a few shooters of vodka and proceeded to try to endure the rest of the 2.5 hour trip.  Thereafter we've seen her have many panic and or anxiety attacks, not sure what the dif. is?  And that leads us to this weekend which is her deceased Dad's birthday, the first since his passing.  Is the fear of abandonment that is so strong in BPD people being exacerbated by his passing and the recent realization that his birthday is looming???

My nerves are pretty shot this evening and I'm staying in our guest room to keep the peace and try to get my own emotions back together.  I feel as though I'm being painted black and no amount of telling her that I don't want a divorce, that I love her and that we have a good life together seems to matter anymore.  I'm feeling really jumpy and fried over it.  My heart is broken thinking of not getting to tuck my lil babies into bed, it's been my pleasure to do it since they were born.  In fact, I've easily sung "sweet baby james" by James taylor more times than he himself has by far while sending them off to sleep these past 8 years. 

Thanks for reading, this was a brain dump and there isn't a lot of function left in it after such an emotionally draining day.  Please any/all with input feel free to chime in to help me understand if my wife is painting me black for good?  Is she going to snap out of this existential funk and realize that she won't be able to boss me around to do all her dirty work anymore if she leaves?  How are you all dealing with this level of emotional torture and functioning? 

thank you, thank you, thank you.

[thankful person]

Hi again uncle radical,

Apologies for my semi-sensical rant, you know they call these crazy-making relationships right…?

I can relate to so so much of what you have said, the accusations of not being good enough, the being painted black, the divorce threats… Our 3 children are 4, 3, and 1… and w has painted me black basically for a whole year after each of the births, only stepping out of it occasionally to celebrate anniversaries etc and put a loving post on fb etc… and you’ll think I’m extra crazy because w is 27 wks pregnant with number 4. As we are a same sex couple they are ivf babies. After the first year things have always calmed down and I’ve felt happy enough to agree to another child though she thinks her body can’t take any more and we certainly can’t afford the treatment… But when she’s in between these (very long) episodes, she’s so calm and sane and we get along really well and the bpd barely affects our marriage or the kids. At her worst she is screaming at me and crying and also sometimes behaves crazy around the kids which worries me the most. She has hit me in the past but not for several years though she did threaten to physically throw me out of the house last year.

After the text tirade the other night, (all the things you said actually, I don’t support her, appreciate her, make her feel desired or turn her on, I’m not romantic, she does everything and my priorities are work and the kids and she’s not important to me)… she tried to bully me out of my online teaching the next day. I was supposed to do five hours but only did four but the first lesson which I missed was my Mum and w is very jealous of her and our relationship. Still I’m glad I got the others done. But I’ve paid for it with the silent treatment since, still I earned some money so it’s worth it . Being self employed is very hard when someone tries to bully you out of working. The worst thing she did actually was a couple of times the baby climbed on my lap when I was teaching online piano and she screamed at me to “PUT HIM DOWN!!!!!” The student was a 23 year old autistic lad, no idea what he thought. It’s not the first time she’s screamed at me when I’m teaching, but actually the 4th in the past 4 years. The baby actually jumped out of his skin too which is so sad. I don’t actually want the kids bothering me when I’m teaching but I can’t stop them if she doesn’t keep them away (I think she does it on purpose and sometimes she doesn’t even get up in the morning while I’m teaching).

Sorry I know you might prefer some advice I’ve always been better at sharing what’s going on. But I have found the site and forum to be a great help. Have you read, “Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. That is my favourite book along with “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”. That one was not quite so helpful because my wife is obsessed with being the main parent so lots of the advice is to take the kids out to give the pwbpd a break, but whilst I would love to, I am not allowed to do this unless my wife wanted me to.

My wife was diagnosed bpd shortly before we met due to suicide attempts, self harm and an eating disorder. She attended some dbt and considers herself cured because she beat these issues. I don’t know if they taught her about fear of abandonment and paranoia, rage, splitting etc. She does not acknowledge that she has a problem and I don’t bother discussing it. She will not go to therapy and also refuses to attend with me and says our marriage would be over if I went alone. I am not ready to contest this yet as we have had enough challenges to deal with.

I expect you have read about validation and that has probably been the one most helpful piece of advice, learning to listen and not judge, disagree or even reassure. Many of the things I had been saying were invalidating, such as, you’re not fat, you look gorgeous! It might not be as bad as you think… You’re doing really well etc etc. They also say don’t jade, (justify, argue, defend, or explain). I haven’t exactly given this up as I love my words and I am queen of jade… but I have realised the futility of it all and try to avoid things going around in circles. Just saying mmm and making eye contact rather than disagreeing seems to do wonders actually.

My wife talks a lot of nonsense and I’ve learned to not bother picking holes in it because I realised she actually won’t follow through on most of what she said. Like one random argument years ago she was saying if we both got a dog then she’d get a puppy and I’d get a rescue dog and we’ll get them and bring them home on the same day. I spent the whole day trying to get her to understand and agree that was ridiculous and the rescue place probably wouldn’t allow it anyway if you told them your intentions. What actually happened was she was going to get a puppy… realised she didn’t have the time for it and ended up getting a rescue dog and we were told he didn’t get on with other dogs, so we couldn’t get one. So now she has a dog and I don’t . But I adore him so much anyway.

I hope some of that is a bit helpful anyway. I really sympathise with your situation. I have no idea how long this split is going to last here. But I’m going back to work at a school week after next and that’s why things are getting difficult She’s very jealous of me having a life and people to talk to etc. It’s exhausting isn’t it.

It helped me to realise I needed to take the role of emotional leader and realise that my wife is somewhat insane as borderline literally means on the borderline of more intense psychosis inducing conditions such as schizophrenia. It is very hard but you have to connect with them somewhat in whatever delusion of the moment in order to communicate, however staying true to what you believe, hence my disappointment at letting my Mum down with the cancelled lesson. I understand you’re not wanting to be away from your kids. Mine are what keeps my motivation going to make this marriage work. I know there are shared custody arrangements, but I want to see them all the time.

Hopefully your wife will come out of this split sooner, I don’t think my experience is that typical actually.

[uncle_radical]

Wow thank you for sharing that thankful_person,I appreciate your understanding and your description  of your life has many parallels to mine. I want desperately to see my kids everyday. Theyre my sun moon and stars, and I love them so much!

Today my wife packed and left with only my 6 year old son and our dog. Our 8 year old daughter adamantly wanted to stay with Dad and it broke my heart to see them have to choose a side. Ive been crying off and on all day trying not to remember the hurt i felt when my parents split and we were forced to choose sides.  It was one of my worst memories growing up and I hate that she did this to our kids today.  She left to go to her moms house and i text her mom to let her know my wife was telling me she was divorcing me, not coming back and to let me know that they arrived safe. She was naturally blindsided by this as apparently my wife hadnt communicated anything to her not even that she was coming to stay with her!

30 min later they were all back home, all the while I am trying to juggle important work meetings while all hell is breaking loose as she is taking my son and my daughter is crying and sad and my wife is telling me all I have to do is admit I am the only problem and promise to change everything about myself to the ideal person for her or she is leaving for good.  She walked out the door and I have a meeting with my boss's boss 10 min. After she left with my poor daughter sobbing at the loss of her mom and brother and not knowing when or if theyll be coming back for her. Yet she held strong and stayed with Dad knowing that I am the one who is the calming and centering and dependable one. She is such a smart and strong girl, she blew my mind today.

My wife kept away from me as I finished my workday at 4pm but fell asleep while "watching the kids" from 2 to 4pm so I had to yet again set the kids up with their afternoon reading break for an hour in their rooms which I referee while working the last hour of my day.

I get done with work and take the kids with me to a local farm to pick up eggs which they love as they get to pet the barn cats and see the chickens. We return and I yet again make dinner and my wife again refrains from eating. She has been battling disordered eating for years and when she is the slightest bit emotional will not allow herself to eat. Question: how prevalent do you all think eating disorders are comorbid with BPD?

She tells me that I am an effing moron and that She is done with me and dont I get it yet?  What kind of mean question is that?  She is so scathing at me and then turns around and tells me that she needs kindness from me and that I need to lead with kindness and that I am an asshole and many other terrible explatives and put downs that are horrifying to have directed at you.  My heart is pounding and I feel my shoulders tensing up as a visceral reaction to the venom being hurled at me and its truly horrible to not be able to control my phyiscal reactions to this hatred. 

All that to say that Im lost on how to proceed. I dont think it is fair to be a punching bag anymore, I really feel that it is time to not coddle and dance around the big issues anymore as she is pressing the nuclear button on our relationship by threatening me with divorce and walking off with our kids. For me he biggest problems are the devaluation venom, the right fighting where any disturbance in her mind requires me to take all responsibility and blame for the perceived transgression, then apologize 2 to sometimes 6 times to punish me for anything she perceives as a problem. This can take hours to days to finally end but not without involving the kids by yelling to everyone that Dad is the problem, he is mean and aweful and if he doesnt apologize again in front of all of us then we are leaving and you wont see him anymore kids. I hate it and find it so effed up. I cant keep doing this just to try to keep this marriage together and now that she left with our son and made such a difficult last 3 days Im at my wits end. 

She woke up after a 3 hour nap and immediately wanted her boxed wine then to talk to me. She told me she hates this situation and that we cant go on like this and proceeded to berate me for communicating with her mom to let her know i wanted to be sure they were safe. I have tip toed around any slight communication that could be misconstrued as even a slight criticism of her as she immediately shuts down and denies she could ever be in the wrong or she flies into a defensive rage.  I let her know that today her own daughter didnt want to come with her because of how she creates fights with me, drags them into it, and uses them like pawns in a sadistic game of cat and mouse right fighting.  I told her that we both had plenty to work on if this marriage is going to continue amd I refuse to take all the blame and then get gaslit as she feigns amnesia about how horrible she treated all of us without so much as an acknowledgment let alone any apology whatsoever. 

She shut down and told me to leave the room.  I went to write this up as a cathartic and note taking exercise. Its just so crazy here that my memory cant keep up with the twists and turns in this rollercoaster ride from hell.

Please advise and tell me if any of this resonates with you all?  Am I going against the BPD communication rules here and inadvertently blowing things up as Im so burned out? Do any of you put up with this behavior?

[thankful person]

Have you read about conventional bpd and unconventional bpd? Conventional is when they are diagnosed and in the health care system for issues such as self harm, eating disorders and suicide attempts. When I met my wife (online and I was in a different country in a “happy” long term relationship but that’s another story) I looked up bpd and joined some online communities. I could very much relate to the other members who were very self deprecating, blaming and hating themselves etc. they say things like, “I wish my bpd didn’t make me such a horrible person..”

Unconventional bpd are those who are not diagnosed. They see everyone else around them as the problem (usually the spouse first and foremost but also other family members, kids etc). My wife presents as unconventional apart from the eating disorders and self harm etc. It has been difficult for me to understand, why does she feel the need to punish herself, when she sees everyone else as the problem? She has a history of abuse and her sense of shame is so so deep that she has apologised to me like once in 10 years because she is too ashamed to ever admit that she is wrong. It was very telling because it was sometime after our eldest turned 1 and she said, “I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have..” alluding to treating me like sh1t for a whole year. I made a note of it on my phone at the time but I am convinced she has since deleted it but I remember those words.

In summary, I have noticed that in bpd family 99% of the partners are unconventional bpd, as most partners don’t stick around long here if their partner is seeking help. Occasionally a pwbpd conventional finds our site but they soon realise there is better support out there. I thought when I met my wife that we would both be forever blaming ourselves and apologising to each other, I could not have been more wrong. My wife still has issues with not eating like the other day even though she is pregnant. I did keep offering her food though have been working on the codependency and knowing she needs to make her own choices even though she Is pregnant. She eventually asked me for a sandwich which is good because back in the early days when I tried to make her eat she would refuse until she passed out.

I’m so sorry for the situation you’re in and what you and your kids are going through. Well done for being the calm and safe parent. I have also rang my wife’s parents in moments of crisis. They know she’s unhinged (sorry for lack of a better word). Her Dad was fully supportive and the couple of times we’ve discussed her he said,” don’t rock the boat, you need to capsize the bl**dy boat!” Her Mum won’t ever voice an opinion on anything.