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Author Topic: ARCHIVE | Retired book listings  (Read 9511 times)
BPDFamily
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« on: October 17, 2005, 08:17:25 PM »

This is a collection of member book submissions that were judged as too far off topic, or containing outdated principles. We keep a inventory of retired books for a year in case a member wants to have it re-evaluated. There are also some older books we keep in the archive that are interesting and often mentioned by members.
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« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2005, 11:45:04 AM »

Tears and Healing: The Journey to the Light After an Abusive Relationship
Author: Richard Skerritt
Publisher: Self Published (2005)

Tears and Healing is a story of one mans long journey out of an emotionally difficult marriage.  This relatively short book (179 pages) contains a seven point plan that the author developed after reflecting upon his own experience. The plan includes contacting reality; understanding the abusers disease; dealing with love; finding yourself; dealing with obligation; healing from abusive treatment; and choosing how to move on with life. Tears and Healing is self published book.

I found this excerpt... .

  • As part of my struggle to know where reality starts and insanity stops, I wrote a letter to my wife. No, I didn't send it to her.  It would only have triggered an angry response, and would hve never have been forgiven.  But I needed to do this to really see the true extent of what was happpening to me.
    <br/>:)ear NECW,

    Today I'm going to write to you  about how you are destroying my self-esteem.  I 'm going to use a description of brainwashing from Stop Walking on Eggshells (p.171).  So let me show you how you are doing this to me.

    Isolate the victim.  This one is clear.  You have insisted that I can only ttalk to a therapists about my life.  Then when I tried to do this you've told me you can't deal with this, and implicitly threatened to lose control and attack me even further if I ha e my own therapist.  When I talk to someone at wirk, you attack me, and tell me I could have talked to my father your mother, my brothehr, my friend.  When IO talk to my father, you accuse me of destroying trust in the relationship.  In short, you insist that I isolate myself from everyone else in my life.


Richard Skerritt is a former member of Randi Kreger's "Welcome to Oz" online support group (WTODivorcing) where he posted as 21CP (twenty-first century philosopher).  Skerritt was a moderator on an small online support group he founded (2005-2006) and is now an on-line life coach. Skerritt has a MS in Chemical Engineering, Michigan State University, 1982, and a BS in Biochemistry from Michigan State University, 1978.
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JoannaK
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« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2005, 12:16:30 PM »

I never read his whole book, but I read excerpts from it.  I was a member of the WTO Divorcing group from 2002-2004, and Richard was on the mail list during most of that time.  He certainly went through a lot.

I think he finally did manage to get divorced, but he had one of those situations that went on forever.  

I wonder how he is doing.  I thought that he had a started his own email list group.  Any links?

One Way Ticket to Kansas and The Siren's Dance are anonymous, self-published memoirs written by former members here. When Love is Not Enough is a self-published, anonymous self-help book written by another member.

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« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2007, 03:46:49 PM »

The Mom Factor
Author: Cloud Henry PhD,
Publisher: Zondervan (October 1, 1998)
Paperback: 256 pages
ISBN-10: 0310225590
ISBN-13: 978-0310225591




About the Book
I was skimming this book by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.  It's generally about much less serious 'mom' issues than are talked about at bpdfamily, but I found something interesting. One of their categories of moms is the Phantom Mom, who basically neglects her kids emotionally, if not physically. I realize that my mother was a "Controlling Phantom". I always considered her neglect/disinterest/uninvolvement a very good thing when it happened since the alternative was complete control.
 
With her it's a black & white thing:  disinterest vs control,  sweet nice vs nasty, a angelic kid vs a no good rotten black sheep kid, anorexic vs fat... .
 
I thank God for her Phantom side now. Neglect & disinterest hurts a little now, but as an adult, it's a piece of cake compared to out right abuse.  I'm peeling back the layers of my psychological onion. Isn't it ironic that peeling real onions makes you cry too?
 
About the Author      
Dr. Cloud is a clinical psychologist and has written or co-written nineteen books, including the million-seller Boundaries. Cloud is a graduate of Southern Methodist University, having earned a BS in psychology with honors. He completed his PhD in clinical psychology at Biola University and his clinical internship at Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. His philanthropic interests lie in the area of homelessness and the inner city, as well as Third World missions and development. He serves on the board of the Los Angeles Mission, a rescue mission on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles.
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« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2007, 10:10:47 AM »

Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships
Author: Eric Berne, MD
Publisher: Penguin Books (December 1, 2009)
Paperback: 174 pages
ISBN-10: 0141040270
ISBN-13: 978-0141040271




The book was written to present psychological concepts in common language, as an introductory book on transactional analysis it provides "Games" and positions that participants play in many dysfunctional relationships.
 
I found the book very enlightening.  The book explains other concepts like "procedures", "rituals" and "pastimes" but focuses on "Games".  One of the concepts that was also pointed out When a "Game" is identified in a relationship, is that those involved in this game take on a roll and thereby become co-responsible for the outcome. The book also identifies some "Good Games" as well, and a brief section on emancipation from "Games" as well.
 
After reading the book, I was able to identify many games I was involved in, allowing me a chance to take steps to disengage.
 
Warning for those using the book:
 
I have found that other books that identify "Game Naming" as a game itself, and can seriously disrupt or damage relationships, do not play this game.
 
(For those in therapy, I suspect you will be given tools or methods to avoid games, but I doubt that the professional you see will reveal the nature of your environment that you are changing in a candid fashion.)
 
I highly recommend that it be read for self-enlightenment and amusement to understand and protect ourselves from the "Comedic Tragedy" that unfolds around us every day.
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« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2007, 10:14:25 AM »

I'M OK -- You're OK : A Practical Guide to Transactional Analysis
Thomas A Harris, M.D.

 
An in-depth guide for explaining the P-A-C model of Transactional Analysis and Life Positions. There are some analysis of how these concepts can be applied to individuals (i,e, Children, Teens and adults) to encourage growth and relationship improvements.  The concluding chapters are essays on morality and implications on society, as it relates to the presented P-A-C model.
 
I think that this is an fantastic book for those committed to recovery.  It reveals a theory or explanation to the question: "Why does everyone brings baggage into their relationship?"
 
The book lays a foundation by which an individual can work to remove the "ticks" of previous relationships, as well as "Put Away" a lot of their own baggage from childhood. There are brief but interesting presentation on how a manifestation of a maladapted P-A-C model reveals itself in various psychological disorders.  There are indirect discussions about the role of parents as role models of "Adult" behavior.
 
I believe that this can be another "Life Changing" book, if we apply it daily.
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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2007, 08:07:23 AM »

Recovery From Co-Dependency
Laurie Weiss and Jonathan B. Weiss

 
An in-depth exploration of co-dependency and the process to recovery.  The book provides a information on the stages of childhood, presenting healthy as well as dysfunctional development that may be used during recovery to address current emotional issues.
 
I found the information to be particularly useful. The explanations of dysfunctional development (emotional abuse) of children gave me some very clear insights as to how my behavior today is a reflection (or reoccurrence) of similar behavior as a child.  There is a brief identification of a few personality disorders, and which developmental stage they may originate from.  The chapters on "Working with Feelings" were especially helpful.  Overall I think that this is a great book for understanding group therapy or for taking steps to overcome many of our own personal issues.
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« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2007, 08:56:36 AM »

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence
Author: Alice Miller
Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux; 3rd edition (January 1, 1990)
Paperback: 282 pages
ISBN-10: 0374522693
ISBN-13: 978-0374522698




I saw this book in UTBM, and it was recommended reading for adult children of borderlines.

My question - is this book "too much" for a twelve year old (the no-good child according to his mother)?  He's quite bright, and will understand most of the language in there (for the most part).  I'm not get separated (I will be in about a week though).  We're about to go through a custody battle, and I thought this book might help him to make some sense out of the nonsense around here.  I suspect that I'll be able to give him a solid week to read it (long story).

My larger question, really, is "Would my giving him this book be considered as a negative to a CE / GAL?".  I'd imagine that it'd be no worse than bringing him to therapy behind his mother's back (the only way that he'll get it the professional help that he needs, BTW).

Thoughts?
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« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2008, 10:26:01 PM »

What Dads Can't Do
 by Douglas Wood with illustrations by Doug Cushman

 
 Book Description
 This sweet and silly look at dad behavior from a kid's point of view explains that there are lots of things regular people can do that dads can't. For instance, dads can't cross the street without holding hands. They can push but they can't swing. And they can't go to sleep without checking under the bed for monsters or getting a good-night kiss. But no matter what, a dad can't stop loving you. Perfect for reading aloud (because dads can't even read a book by themselves), this book evokes a tenderness that will make parents and kids want to share it again and again.
 
With the target audience being preschoolers and those children beginning to read, it reinforces that parental bond.  The mothers here aren't overlooked as the author also wrote What Moms Can't Do.
 
# Publisher: Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing
# Pub. Date: May 2000; mini edition, 2005
# ISBN-13: 9780689826207 (hardcover, softcover, mini (9781416901976) editions)
# Age Range: 3 to 7
# 32pp
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« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2008, 07:40:47 AM »

Understanding, Assessing and Treating Adult victims of childhood abuse
Author: Ofelia Rodriguez-Srednicki PhD
Publisher: Jason Aronson, Inc. (June 2, 2006)
Paperback: 376 pages
ISBN-10: 0765703939
ISBN-13: 978-0765703934




This is an excellent resource for clinicians. It provides reviews and summaries of studies designed to identify risk factors associated with adjustment disorders with a section on BPD. I borrowed a copy via interlibrary loan and picked it up yesterday. It may provide NBP spouses a better understanding of the childhood abuse factors involved for development of BPD.
 
Book
This important book identifies the adult adjustment disorders that are associated with childhood abuse and explains why various forms of abuse lead to specific adjustment difficulties. The authors provide clinicians with guidelines for assessment and treatment modalities that have been shown to be highly effective with specific abuse-related disorders.

Author
Ofelia Rodriguez-Srednicki, PhD, is Assistant Professor of Psychology and Director of the School Psychology Department at Montclair State University. Since 1990, she has been a bilingual school psychologist consultant. She maintains a private practice in Upper Montclair, New Jersey. James A. Twaite, Ph.D., Ed.D., is an instructor at the School of New Resources of the College of New Rochelle. He is also director of research of Neurodynamics, Inc. and maintains a private practice in Tenafly, New Jersey.
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« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2008, 03:35:47 PM »

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

I have just finished this book and it has helped me tremendously after reading 3 books on BPD including: Stop Walking on Eggshells, Tears and Healing, Meaning from Madness.

This book helped me see how I have been verbally and emotionally abused by my BPD wife and has helped me "face the facts". I knew I felt bad for a reason, but never really thought of it as emotional/verbal abuse until I read this. This book describes why the abuser abuses, what forms it takes and how to combat it.

The reasons for abuse are similar for BPD... .childhood issues. To me it just clarifies what the BPD does to us. My only issue with this book is that it is written only from the perspective that the male is the abuser and the female is the partner. The author only spoke with women that were abused. So if I just changed he and she around, it made complete sense to me.

Have any others read this book? What are your thoughts?
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Melanie Cane, MD
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« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2008, 05:26:29 PM »

Poisoned Love
Author: Melanie Cane, MD
Publisher: Hazelden (September 1, 2004)
Paperback: 350 pages
ISBN-10: 193509811x
ISBN-13: 978-1935098119

Book Description
In 1993, Jimmy Breslin wrote a front page story for New York Newsday about Melanie Cane, a troubled young psychologist who “let love take her too far.” Fifteen years later, Melanie tells her side of the story in Poisoned Love, a heartbreaking and staggering account of her spiral into the depths of mental illness and what she did under the guise of love.

With extraordinary courage, Melanie provides intimate access to the thoughts and feelings leading to her desperate act, as well as an unvarnished account of her subsequent psychiatric treatment and the legal and social consequences of her crime.

Melanie’s steady progress toward recovery involves an emerging understanding of the relationship between her various diagnoses and her attachment to an abusive, mentally ill father.

Her story teaches people about survival and success in the face of severe mental illness.

A penetrating and chilling introspective view of a young psychiatrist, who, after committing a horrible act that betrayed her medical oath, receives refuge in the same medical system she abused. The ensuing odyssey reveals a rare instance of a medical and legal system working together to help two victims – the accused and her prey – rebuild their lives. Melanie’s journey shows how salvation can be found even if a past is not forgiven.” -Robert J. Anello, Morvillo, Abramowitz, Grand, Iason, Anello & Bohrer, P.C.

About the Author
Melanie Cane holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Wellesley College, a Medical Degree and a Master’s in Public Health from New York Medical College. She also completed two years of a residency program in psychiatry at Cornell Medical Center-Westchester Division.

Dr. Cane fulfilled her pre-medical requirements at Harvard University and co-authored several articles in the field of mental health while working as a research assistant at Mclean Hospital prior to attending medical school.
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« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2009, 10:57:48 AM »

has anyone read this book

written by an acknowledged BPD about her attempted murder of her bf- non

and her subsequent institutionalization

Found it enlightening altho its her own private pity party

oh- and she was a psychiatrist at the time
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« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2009, 09:40:41 AM »

Opposite Action: Changing Emotions You Want to Change
Author: Marsha M. Linehan
Publisher: Guilford Pr; Video edition (August 1, 2000)
Paperback: N/A pages
ISBN-10: 0971083703
ISBN-13: 978-0971083707




Anyone have any input on the DVD called "Opposite Action" with Marsha Linehan ? I have not seen the DVD.  I do know that "Taking opposite action" is a tool taught to people suffering from borderline personality disorder to help emotion Regulation.  Borderline and suicidal individuals are emotionally intense and labile – frequently angry, intensely frustrated, depressed, and anxious. Dialectical behavior therapy skills for emotion regulation include:
    * Identifying and labeling emotions
    * Identifying obstacles to changing emotions
    * Reducing vulnerability to “emotion mind”
    * Increasing positive emotional events
    * Increasing mindfulness to current emotions
    * Taking opposite action
    * Applying distress tolerance techniques
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« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2010, 01:31:09 PM »

Retraining the Brain: A 45-Day Plan to Conquer Stress and Anxiety
Frank Lawlis, PhD

 
Product Description
Stress relief that works-from the New York Times bestselling author of The ADD Answer and the chief content advisor for the Dr. Phil show
 
With his bestselling books, Frank Lawlis has brought psychological relief to millions. In his latest book, he addresses one of the most common challenges of everyday life-dealing with stress.
 
In Retraining the Brain, Dr. Lawlis clearly explains the neurological factors that make stress so traumatizing and lays out a powerful plan for changing our brains to improve the way we cope. The secret is to take advantage of our brain plasticity-our ability to essentially reprogram the way we think simply by following this forty-five-day program to change our behavior. Drawing on his work at his renowned clinic, Dr. Lawlis takes us through the different types of "stressors" and shows how we can apply the principles of brain plasticity to hardwire new, healthier response patterns. With its simple but effective exercises, Retraining the Brain offers an exciting new method for reducing stress and increasing our overall happiness.
 
About the Author
Dr. Frank Lawlis is the author of the bestselling books The IQ Answer and The ADD Answer. A renowned psychologist, researcher, and counselor, he is the cofounder of the LAwlis Peavey PsychoNeuroPlasticity (PNP) Center and was named a fellow by the American Psychological Association.
 
Product Details
Paperback: 304 pages
Publisher: Plume (September 29, 2009)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0452295629
ISBN-13: 978-0452295629
 

My H is diagnosed BPD/NPD/Antisocial with PTSD and high anxiety.  After many, many years of T (including both DBT and CBT) and working through John Bradshaw’s stuff, he pretty much understands the root of his problems and can even admit his feelings are inappropriate even while he is experiencing them.  He hasn't yet, however, been able to easily break out of his dysfunctional thought patterns despite his knowledge.   This book seems to offer some help in breaking these thought/feeling patterns.  The basis of the book is how to actually "rewire" the brain.  H is less than half through the book.  The exercises suggested do require a great deal of concentration and work.  It seems to really be helping at this point.  H has been thrilled to find something that actually offers him some hope. 
 
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« Reply #15 on: September 28, 2010, 01:25:25 PM »

Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
Author: John C. Friel, PhD
Publisher: HCI (January 1, 1988)
Paperback: 200 pages
ISBN-10: 932194532
ISBN-13: 978-0932194534




This book is for, about, and by adult children of dysfunctional families. It is written in response to scores of clients with whom we have worked over the years who ask, "Isn't there anything written on this stuff, the way you've explained it to me?" It is written for those of us who are still in the dark - skeptical, angry perhaps, or just plain lost and searching for some kind of a clue as to why we feel the way that we do. It is written, above all, to shed if nothing more, a flicker of light on the family dynamics that lead so many of us into an adulthood of addiction, depression, compulsion, unhealthy dependency, stress disorders, unsatisfying relationships and lives of quiet desperation."[/i]

Someone on the message boards brought this book to my attention, and I'm very glad they did. While there's no mention of BPD, the books relevance in this context makes it a great resource for those who have spent their developmental years in a dysfunctional family system. It does a particularly good job of defining familial roles and thoroughly explains how these skewed family hierarchies work very hard at keeping people in their assigned roles. It also contains probably the best definition of DENIAL that I've ever read.

At first glance, it appears to focus on addictions - but this is rather misleading. They advocate taking responsibility for our actions, understanding our motivations, then examining the source of these attitudes without placing blame on anyone. It also shows its readers that healthy change and recovery is always possible.

For those who are seeking more information about how their FOO's situation may have contributed to the problems they're struggling with today - this book is an eye - opener. I'd definitely recommend it, especially for those members who are compelled to understand the reasons (behind) these behaviors.[/color]
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« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2011, 12:44:06 PM »

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Author: Karyl McBride, PhD
Publisher: Atria Books; Reprint edition (September 8, 2009)
Paperback: 243 pages
ISBN-10: 1439129436
ISBN-13: 978-1439129432




I suggest Will I Ever Be Good Enough to anyone who has a mom they feel is NPD or even if they've ever had to say those words to themselves in relation to their relationship with their mom.  

It was truly eye opening and I openly cried when reading it.  She wrote that even if your mother was neglectful or if she was the smothering kind of parent who expected you to be perfect that the internal wounds are the same.  That even if you're high achieving or a self sabatoger that the internal landscape of feelings is still the same, that everyone just takes different routes to compensate for the abuse.  And your quote about whether you would do that to your daughter struck a chord with me.  I don't think I would do any of the things my mom did to me.  I'm also beginning to wonder if my grandma is codependent or not.  She seems so enmeshed with a couple of my uncles and unwilling to see my mom as someone who does anything wrong. My uncle says it's because that's her baby.  I don't know, I don't justify her behavior.  She had a choice on how to treat us and she chose to treat us that way.  She's accountable for her actions, just like I'm accountable for my actions.  If I don't do well in a class it's not because the teacher hates me.  It's because a) I either didn't study well enough or I didn't study at all or b) I was distracted.

My dad never made stuff up growing up but now he's telling mom crap that I never said and it's just crazy.  I don't know what's going on with him, I think he's picked up on a lot of her tactics.  Trying to guilt trip me and using that as a master weapon of manipulation.  It's painful, I used to see my dad as my hero.  I used to want to spend time and talk to him.  But now not so much.  Not after years of being ignored for computer games and being told "maybe some other time." I can count on my hands the times I've spent with my dad and had a good time, just me and him.  

And thanks for the hugs, hugs to you too.  I have good hope that with time things will get better and that I can finally feel free.
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« Reply #17 on: August 04, 2011, 07:43:30 AM »

The Four Agreements
Author: Don Miguel Ruiz
Publisher: Amber-Allen Publishing (November 7, 1997)
Paperback: 160 pages
ISBN-10: 1878424319
ISBN-13: 978-1878424310




It's not as specific a recommendation as you are asking for, but my go to book is The Four Agreements by Ruiz.

With any luck, it will force you to face the issues that are coming up for you, or maybe it will allow you to let go of many of the preconceived notions you have about the role you're playing in life.

Good luck!
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« Reply #18 on: December 05, 2011, 07:38:09 PM »

Mindfulness and Acceptance: Expanding the Cognitive-Behavioral Tradition
Author: Marsha M. Linehan, PhD
Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (June 22, 2011)
Paperback: 319 pages
ISBN-10: 1609189892
ISBN-13: 978-1609189891




This is a very wonderful, but sometimes difficult book to read, and includes contributions by 45 top researchers in the latest therapies including a chapter on ACT. Only get this book if you are very dedicated to your marriage, and your own personal development. The book was primarily written for mental professionals. It has been recommended as a text for graduate level courses in psychotherapy - keep your dictionary and patience handy!
 

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
Author: Daniel J. Siegel, MD
Publisher: Bantam; Reprint edition (December 28, 2010)
Paperback: 336 pages
ISBN-10: 0553386395
ISBN-13: 978-0553386394




This book is easy to read, and covers the clinical studies and brain functions behind the new therapies. It puts a solid western scientific slant on the mindful/acceptance DBT type lessons which have been borrowed from Eastern Philosophy. Great book for us engineers, scientists, or people just to hard headed to give meditation a try.
 

Of course my standby that started all my studies is the book 'High Conflict Couples'
 
These books are all in paperback and cheap on Amazon. Check them out

I am mostly interested in the latest books about new therapies which are being developed using many of the principles of DBT which as most of you know seems to be the 'Gold Standard' for treating BPD.
 
Since I am a hands on kind of guy I am trying to learn the basics of these therapies myself to use on myself. My changes have been so noticable, my wife and I are both studying these books.
 
My theory is that self-education about these therapies can be very valuable for many of us here on this site who are not dealing with domestic violence or physical spousal abuse of any kind, and yet even with a lot of mutual love, neither the non or the pwBPD is in therapy  - this seems to be largely the case here for lots of reasons.
 
We know that most therapists don't even practice DBT, some are insensitive or even incompetent, and many have driven our pwBPDs away just as we have, by not knowing how to get through to them without alienating them.
 
So my thought was, do like Marsha Linehan did, and learn how to control my own emotions and even help others - my wife in this case. My wife and I have seen many PhD counselors over the years with no lasting results. The new therapy books on DBT ACT etc. have helped us more than all that counseling.
 
We each have Ts now, but most of the exciting progress healing our marriage is coming from learning the basics of the new Mindfulness and Acceptance therapies out there, and studying how to apply them to our particular problems.
 
If you and your SO are both very much in love, and very intelligent, why not learn to be your own therapists - or at least become knowledgeable about what a good therapist should be teaching. After all who knows you and your problems better, certainly not an incompetant therapist, or a good one you will never be able to talk your SO into seeing. Also how do you as a layman judge a good therapist. Wth good foundational knowledge yourselves, you will be able to that yourself.
 
For my money I am sticking with learning about the therapy which has been clinically proven to not only be the best one for BPD, but practically the only one that is effective, except the expanded similar versions of it, like ACT.
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« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2011, 09:15:49 PM »

Borderline Personality Disorder: A Patient's Guide to Taking Control"
by Gina M. Fusco and Arthur Freeman.

Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company; 1 edition (November 17, 2003)

I have just finished reading this amazing book "Borderline Personality Disorder: A Patient's Guide to Taking Control" by Gina M. Fusco and Arthur Freeman.  Although it is for the BPD, it helps to shine some light on the disorder.  While reading each chapter, I found myself reliving some of the situations I have been in with my BPD.  I am not someone that enjoys any discord in my life.  I am peaceful and like to live in harmony.  I have realized that in order for a BPD to feel "alive" they need chaos and drama, and if they are not provided with that, they they cause it.  Otherwise, they feel bored and not stimulated.  At the beginning of the relationship, she told me that she was moody, was drama free and didn't play games.   Unfortunately this was all untrue.   I feel that BPD's take on our personalities, because they have no sense of self themselves,  so that we are attracted to them, in fact we fall in love with ourselves.  They have a very difficult time being around a lot of people, because they become confused with whom they are supposed to be.  My BPD has recently changed her friends, dyed her hair pink, has a lip ring and instead of wearing plugs in her ears is now wearing hanging earrings.   She has started to hang out in bars because once she has a few drinks in her, she can become social.   This seems like such a sad and terrible life, to always be searching for a sense of self, but never finding it.   When parent's are involved in stripping a child of their basic needs and emotions, using love as collateral, loving a child conditionally, and not truely nurturing a child and allowing them to form healthy schemas, they are being abusive and should be punished, somehow, for this.  Our children are innocent and no-one deserves such abuse.   BPDs are incapable of loving anyone, even though they think and say they do.   If you have no sense of self, then you cannot love yourself, and if you cannot love yourself, you are incapable of loving anyone else.  BPDs are abusive because that is their reality.  They are only continuing the cycle that they survived.   You have to be really grounded to stay in a relationship with a BPD, look after yourself, and don't allow yourself to be abused.  

This site is wonderful and has helped me no end.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2012, 09:03:00 AM »

Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise
by Jane Middleton-Moz.
Paperback, 155 pages
Published September 1st 1990 by Hci (first published April 1st 1990)


I just finished reading _Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise_ by Jane Middleton-Moz.  It was a much easier read than  Healing the Shame that Binds You but has a similar message about family patterns and how shame is passed down to children.  It's a slim book (130 pages) and told with fairy tales (like Understanding the Borderline Mother) but has enough substance to get the point across without oversimplifying. I don't see a review for it here on the website, but was able to find M-M's work quoted here and there... .
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« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2013, 05:29:23 PM »

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
Author: Eckhart Tolle
Publisher: New World Library; 1st edition (August 19, 2004)
Paperback: 224 pages
ISBN-10: 1577314808
ISBN-13: 978-1577314806




Book Description
Many of our members come here carrying a lot of anxiety and pain and looking for validation from someone else (like a BPD partner who is not able to provide this validation). I came across this book when a pwBPD gave it to me. He had already read it and was very enthused about it. The Power of Now seeks to help us let go of all that pain and anxiety and need for validation.

Ekhart Tolle's message is simple: living in the now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment. And while this message may not seem stunningly original or fresh, the value lies in the clear way in which they are being presented. Foremost, Tolle is able to explain complicated concepts in concrete language and provides a variety of simple and practical techniques.

Tolle packs a lot of information and inspirational ideas into The Power of Now. (Topics include the source of Chi, enlightened relationships, creative use of the mind, impermanence, and the cycle of life.) He's added markers that symbolize "break time." This is when readers should close the book and mull over what they just read. As a result, The Power of Now reads like a spiritual guidebook that has the potential to change many lives for the better. It has been translated into over 30 languages.

About the Author
Spiritual teacher and author Eckhart Tolle was born in Germany and educated at the Universities of London and Cambridge. At the age of twenty-nine a profound inner transformation radically changed the course of his life. The next few years were devoted to understanding, integrating, and deepening that transformation, which marked the beginning of an intense inward journey. Later, he began to work in London with individuals and small groups as a counselor and spiritual teacher. In 2008, his book A New Earth became the first spiritual book to be selected for Oprah's Book Club as well as the subject of a ten-week online workshop co-taught by Eckhart and Oprah.
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« Reply #22 on: August 13, 2013, 06:53:41 PM »

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
Author: Nancy Newton Verrier, MA
Publisher: Verrier Publications (April, 28, 1993)
Paperback: 252 pages
ISBN-10: 0963648004
ISBN-13: 9780963648006




Book Description
The Primal Wound is a book which is revolutionizing the way we think about adoption. In its application of information about pre- and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of separation from the birth mother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior.

Although difficult to read because of the emotion it evokes in all members of the adoption triad, it nevertheless rings true and can be a great help in acknowledging, understanding, and validating the wounds created by the trauma of separation between mother and child. This understanding can help all members of the triad. It can provide validation for the experiences and feelings of adoptees, who have often felt misunderstood; it can bring solace to birth mothers, who have long been denied the truth of their loss; and it can be a source of information for adoptive parents, so that they can better understand and respond to their children.

Since its original publication in 1993, The Primal Wound has become a classic in adoption literature and is considered the adoptees’ bible. The insight which is brought to the experiences of abandonment and loss will contribute not only to the healing of adoptees, adoptive families, and birth parents, but will bring understanding and encouragement to anyone who has ever felt abandoned.

The Primal Wound is available in the following languages: French, Spanish, Dutch, Bulgarian, Italian and English.

About the Author
Nancy Verrier, MA, adoptive and biological mother. Nancy is a psychotherapist, international lecturer and author of The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child , 1993; and Coming Home to Self, 2003.
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« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2013, 10:12:34 PM »

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
Author: George K. Simon PhD
Publisher: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc; Revised ed. edition (April 1, 2010)
Paperback: 178 pages
ISBN-10: 1935166301
ISBN-13: 978-1935166306




George Simon knows how people push your buttons.  Your children--especially teens--are expert at it, as is your mate.  A co-worker may quietly undermine your efforts while professing to be helpful, or your boss may prey on your weaknesses.  Manipulative people have two goals: to win and to look good doing it.  Often those they abuse are only vaguely aware of what is happening to them.  In this eye-opening book, you'll also discover... .
* 4 reasons why victims have a hard time leaving abusive relationships
* Power tactics manipulators use to push their own agendas and justify their behavior
* Ways to redefine the rules of engagement between you and an abuser
* How to spot potential weaknesses in your character that can set you up for manipulation.
* 12 tools for personal empowerment to help you maintain greater strength in all relationships
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« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2014, 10:08:16 AM »

Help, Thanks, Wow - Anne Lamott

Just had to share some words that touched me this morning from Anne Lamott's book, Help, Thanks, Wow.

Domestic pain can be searing, and it is usually what does us in.  It's almost indigestible:  death, divorce, old age, drugs; brain-damaged children, violence, senility, unfaithfulness.  Good luck with figuring it out.  It unfolds, and you experience it, and it is so horrible and endless that you could almost give up a dozen times.  But grace can be the experience of a second wind, when even though what you want is clarity and resolution, what you get is stamina and poignancy and the strength to hang on. [/color]

That's sort of how I feel today... . just a'hangin' on.
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« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2014, 11:08:26 AM »

Crisis Points
by Michael Angel
Paperback, 142 pages
Published March 27th 2011 by Banty Hen Publishing


I have a little book called Crisis Points working through personal problems
It was written by a counsellor/Christian priest from South Africa.

Details a twelve-step process to help resolve difficult situations of all kinds. The steps are designed to allow us to face the facts of our lives and to perceive the feelings and emotions that come from our own destiny.

I find the format simple and easy to follow. It does require a good deal of self-reflection and taking responsibility for one’s situation.  Good for me as i feel overwhelmed at times with information and how to work through problems in my life.

It is out of print unfortunately but can be found on eBay and used on amazon.

Here is a description of content: ( ie the chapters )
Step One : Turning to the facts    
Step Two :Turning to the Cause    
Step Three : Turning to Acceptance
Step  Four : Turning to the Meaning
Step Five:  Turning Inward
Step Six : Turning to the new Resolution
Step Seven : Turning to the Plan
Step Eight : Turning to the Future
Step Nine : Turning to Forgiveness
Step Ten : Turning to Gratitude
Step Eleven  : Turning to Joy
Step Twelve : Turning to Peace
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« Reply #26 on: July 31, 2014, 10:23:43 AM »

Giving the Love that Heals: A Guide for Parents
Author: Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.
Publisher: Atria Books (August 1, 1998)
Paperback: 384 pages
ISBN-10: 0671793993
ISBN-13: 978-0671793999




Book Description
Harville Hendrix has illuminated the paths to healthy, loving relationships in his New York Times bestsellers Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find. Now, with his coauthor and wife, Helen Hunt, he brings us to a new understanding of the most profound love of all -- by helping parents nurture their own development as they encourage emotional wholeness in their children.

This groundbreaking book offers a unique opportunity for personal transformation: by resolving issues that originated in our own childhood, we can achieve a conscious, and thus healthier, relationship with our children, regardless of their age. Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt help us explore:

The Imago -- the fantasy partner that our unconscious mind constructs from those we loved as a child, a that has guided our search for a life partner

Maximizer and Minimizer parents -- the defensive styles that internally shape what we say and how interact with our children

A Parenting Process that helps to end the "cycle of wounding" -- the handing-down of wounding we received as children -- as we raise our own children

Safety, Support, and Structure -- how to give children what they really need from us

Modeling Adulthood -- using our healed sense of self as a model for our children.

With other practical, insightful approaches that can powerfully shape the parent-child bond, Giving the Love that Heals gives us the keys to helping our children to become healthy, responsible, and caring people.

About the Authors:
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a clinical pastoral counselor and co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, has more than thirty-five years' experience as an educator, public lecturer, and couples' therapist.

Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., was elected to the Women’s Hall of Fame for her dedication to the empowerment of women as an author and activist. She is founder of The Sister Fund, a small, private foundation that supports fullness of life for women and girls. She is co-founder of the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy and coauthor of several bestsellers with her husband, Harville Hendrix. They have six children and live in New Jersey.
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« Reply #27 on: October 30, 2014, 11:25:26 AM »

Crazy Love
by Leslie Morgan Steiner
Hardcover, 336 pages
Published March 31st 2009 by St. Martin's Press (first published January 1st 2009)


I recently read the book, "Crazy Love," by Leslie Morgan Steiner and it has helped me tremendously in being able to identify with someone else, confirm, and admit to myself that I have been in an abusive relationship for years. The book is a memoir by Leslie Morgan Steiner of her first marriage to a deeply troubled and abusive man. While the topic of personality disorders, much less BPD, is never discussed in the book I did find many similarities between Morgan's husband and BPD's: paranoia, extreme mood swings, inability to control angry outbursts, giving the cold shoulder, etc.

What hit home the most for me with this book is Morgan's very simple, but often misunderstood reasoning as to why so many people don't "just leave" abusive relationships: 1) We deeply love and feel that we are the only ones who can help our deeply troubled romantic partners, and 2) It can often be just as dangerous to leave as it is to stay in the relationship.

Has anyone else read this book? Do you relate this book to a pwBPD that you love?

Summary of the book by Amazon.com: "At 22, Leslie Morgan Steiner seemed to have it all: good looks, a Harvard diploma, a glamorous job in New York City. Plus a handsome, funny boyfriend who adored her. But behind her façade of success, this golden girl hid a dark secret. She’d made a mistake shared by millions: she fell in love with the wrong person.

At first, Leslie and Conor seemed perfect together. Then came the fights she tried to ignore: he pushed her down the stairs, choked her during an argument, and threatened her with a gun. Several times, he came close to making good on his threat to kill her. With each attack, Leslie lost another piece of herself.  Why didn’t she leave? She stayed because she loved him. Gripping and utterly compelling, Crazy Love takes you inside the violent, devastating world of abusive love and makes you feel the power and powerlessness of abuse that can take place anywhere and to anyone.  Crazy Love draws you in -- and never lets you go."

The following is a link to the book on Amazon: www.amazon.com/Crazy-Love-Leslie-Morgan-Steiner/dp/0312377460/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdt_img_top?ie=UTF8

The following is a link to the NPR Ted Talk she gave: www.npr.org/2013/05/31/175617775/why-don-t-domestic-violence-victims-leave
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« Reply #28 on: November 10, 2015, 02:31:55 PM »

50 More Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food:
Author: Susan Albers, PsyD
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (December 1, 2015)
Paperback: 336 pages
ISBN-10: 1626252521
ISBN-13: 978-1626252523




I know this is an old thread but I find myself eating to sooth my feelings. Does this book address anything about emotional turmoil or is it all about boredom and just finding a hobby to distract yourself. Emotional eating is one of my biggest problems living with my husband who can be very mean at times. I find myself craving carbs like crazy because I know it will sooth me.
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« Reply #29 on: May 23, 2016, 08:34:35 PM »

Faultfinders: The Impact of Borderline Personality Disorder
by Mark Osterloh

ISBN-10: 0986150908
Publisher: Mark Osterloh

Book Description
Faultfinders is not a mainstream book for a family with a BPD member, but it is an interesting, quirky, and easy to read book to give to a new romantic partner to explain the trials and tribulations you faced with a former BPD romantic partner. Faultfinders is an earnest attempt to recast BPD in the context of a particular behavior (fault finding) that falls outside the official diagnostic criteria for personality disorders. According to the author, this fault finding behavior can be a clue to romantic partners, family members, and friends that they may be in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD.

The author makes an unorthodox case for renaming the disorder to Faultfinding Personality Disorder (FPD). Of course, he's not thinking in terms of the huge stigma already attached to this disorder which keeps many from getting into treatment. Labeling people with BPD traits as faultfinders is akin to naming hyperthyroidism as "bulging eye" disease. His reasoning is that FPD will make it easier for acquaintances to spot this illness in the general population. Additionally, references to genocidal dictators and infamous serial killers may be triggering to some readers who may be struggling to improve relationships with parents, children and spouses who have BPD or exhibit BPD traits.

Because of this, Faultfinders is less of a mainstream book for families with a BPD loved one since it does not offer practical skills and tips to improve relationships with a person with BPD. It may, however, serve as a practical, introductory guide to for new romantic partners puzzled by any residual trauma experienced from the fall from a prior BPD romantic partner.

Chapters cover BPD behavioral traits as outlined in the DSM. References to the behaviors of celebrities, public persons and historical figures are often discussed within the context of BPD behaviors as well. Although there is some entertainment value with this approach, which also makes the material more readable and accessible to the layperson, Osterloh extensively references leading experts in the disorder for those who may want to learn more.  The chapter on marriage and divorce, for example, references well-known and recommended professionals, and serves as an introduction to their material.

Faultfinders may not result in the reader gaining a deep understanding of the disorder, teach any skills for handling the person with BPD traits, nor provide coping skills for the family member. The book, however, does have references and resources which can be further explored. International resources regarding BPD are also listed for readers who want to expand their knowledge of BPD, or even perhaps find out how they may help advocate for more public awareness of the disorder.

About the Author
Mark Osterloh is an Wisconsin ophthalmologist with degrees in both Pharmacy and Law, writing this book as a non-professional in the field of mental health.

Osterloh completed his Bachelor of Science degree at the University of Arizona School of Pharmacy in 1975. In 1979 he graduated from the University of Arizona College of Medicine. He completed an ophthalmology residency at Case Western Reserve University/Mt. Sinai in Cleveland, Ohio. His two retina fellowships were done at Kaiser Permanente in Oakland, California and at the University of Tennessee.

In his personal time, Osterloh has been politically active in campaign finance reform and the expansion of Medicaid income eligibility for the working poor. His other hobbies include photography, theater, swimming, hiking, and studying history.
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« Reply #30 on: September 19, 2016, 07:27:31 AM »

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life
Author: by Daniel G. Amen M.D
Publisher: Harmony; Revised, Expanded ed. edition (November 3, 2015)
Paperback: 480 pages
ISBN-10: 110190464X
ISBN-13: 978-1101904640




I'm not a doctor, but I read this book and was equally fascinated by it. In fact, I took my then 15-year-old daughter to Dr. Amen's clinic in D.C. in April 2016. (My daughter is interested in science and biology, so the SPECT scans and the visual results of the biofeedback resonate with her.) She did not see Dr. Amen, she saw Dr. Annibali (who has his own book) and her SPECT scans indicate her diagnosis. Dr. Annibali recommended bio-feedback (among other things), and that's been helping her but it's not been a full solution. If we lived in D.C., I would still be taking her to the Amen Clinic for outpatient therapy. Although I think this book is very helpful, it's not as helpful for caregivers as it is for the patient themselves, as this is the kind of work that requires intrinsic motivation, although I'm sure every individual who reads it (BPD or not) can benefit from his work.
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« Reply #31 on: November 30, 2016, 07:37:08 PM »

I'm not sure this is the right place for this post, but here are two books that members might be interested in. Both are collections of peer-reviewed scholarly articles.

The Dark Side of Close Relationships
https://books.google.ca/books?id=HdOLAgAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false
It includes articles on May-December relationships, internet dating, the dark side of affection, infidelity, relationship turbulence, step-family relationships, female social aggression, intimate partner violence and aggression, narcissism, being single.

The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication
https://books.google.ca/books?id=yYvaoG0lR6sC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false
Includes articles on uncertainty in relationships, avoidance and secrets, manipulation of one's digital self, communicating hurt, complaints and criticisms, teasing and bullying, infidelity, hurt and forgiveness, revenge, child abuse, abuse of parents by adolescents.
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« Reply #32 on: December 09, 2016, 09:27:13 AM »

Desire, Love, and Identity: Philosophy of Sex and Love
Author: Gary Foster
Publisher: Oxford University Press; 1 edition (January 2, 2017)
Paperback: 392 pages
ISBN-10: 0199015201
ISBN-13: 978-0199015207




About the Book
A collection of classical readings with contemporary articles exploring love and sex as defining features of our identity. Alongside ancient, modern, and contemporary selections are sixteen original contributions written by emerging voices in the field.

The book includes a wide variety of perspectives, addressing topics such as sexual objectification, sexual identity, the ethics of sex work, love and sex online, friendship, polyamory, and BDSM.

About the Editor
Gary Foster is Assistant Professor at the Department of Philosophy in Wilfrid Laurier University.  His research interests include moral psychology, philosophy of sex and love, and existentialism.

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« Reply #33 on: July 27, 2017, 08:23:45 PM »

A must read in my opinion. Though not directly related to BPD (although you can see with the daughter how these traits can develop based on family systems) it gave me the most insight into myself than I have gotten from any other book. I highly recommend it as a possible way to learn so much about yourself.
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