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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Why is this so painful?  (Read 3678 times)
Skippy
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« on: October 16, 2005, 05:28:10 PM »

It's a bright sunny day here... .

I'm thinking about the boys and how much I miss them... .

It hurts so deep... .I think there are tears on my bones today.

I put away the gifts they gave me for my birthday this year.

I'm trying so hard to get through this... .I'm trying hard to even swallow.

Relationships end.  This is not like that.  This is like death.

I can't wait until its tomorrow.

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Link to original thread:  http://www.205.252.229.155/nookboard/index.php?topic=37118.0
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Bdawn
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« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2005, 05:45:44 PM »

Excerpt
Relationships end.?  This is not like that.?  This is like death.

Skipping your so right about this. These are not normal break ups, they are so much more painful then that. It is like death and in some ways even worse than death. If someone we love dies at least we can still cherish the memories of that person and rejoice in the love that we shared. The end of a bp relationship is not like that though. Were so confused and don't feel like we can have the sweet memories because maybe they weren't even real. We don't understand anything and have no way of knowing what really took place. It is a horrible situation to get through.

Know that your not alone in this. I have been out for almost seven months now and I still have days where I just break down and cry over how senseless it all was. I have hard time accepting that this is how it ended and I will never have my questions answered. I can't ask the ex because he will tell me whatever serves his purpose at the moment. It hurts I know but it does get easier in time. According to the long time posters here, this pain doesn't last forever so hang in there and let the passage of time work it's healing powers.
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mark
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« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2005, 09:26:48 PM »

skip' -

what a bizarre, mind-numbing experience this is, huh?

ike bdawn says, these are not like normal break-ups.  you can love them and do nothing wrong -- and then get the worst punishment they can dish out, in return -- including the most excruciating emotional aftermath.  so we're left with so much confusion and pain.  even the happy memories become questionable.  (i loved having her meet my family, and she seemed to like it too, but was that just another way of drawing me into her psychological traps?)

anyway, wishing you a peaceful night, 

mark
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brucey
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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2005, 09:55:49 PM »

ditto.  It's mind numbing.  Rough stuff.  The worst.  But, hang in there.  Lots of people, maybe everyone, reports happiness and healing after enough time has passed.  It just takes so darn long.  Too darn long.  And what does one do in the meantime?  Keep busy.  Keep moving.  Keep active.  Keep hanging in there.  Try to make a new life.  Try to find peace.  Try to be content without her.
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kathy45
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« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2005, 09:58:31 PM »

Hi Skip

I had a really bad day today too... .the pain is so hard to take,... .and your right its not just the break up... its something worse... they took us and crumbled us... .I was in bed all day... .depressed I guess,,i didn't think I was, but I am.

Will it ever get better?

Really, from those of you ? that have been into this for alongtime...

the sad part about it is , i would take her back probably, right now i would last night I felt strong.

Take care Robert... .

if it helps at all, just know your not the only one painin ... .

Kathy
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Skippy
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« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2005, 12:45:03 PM »

... .when she "spoke like she supported" you, she was doing it ONLY to get something for herself and it was just one more symptom of her DISEASE... .

Can anyone help me with this... .I've seen this said so many times, but I'm not sure I understand where the BPD starts and we end... .what is normal, what is abnormal?

We often love and show support to get something back... .we give gifts to get something back (if just gratitude or self satisfaction in the case of anonymous gifts), we love to be loved in return, we help others here to also help ourselves... .where does the pathology begin?

I'm feeling really lost today... .this has shaken my reality so much... I'm not sure I eevn know what I should feel anymore.

Skippingback is stumbling

PS bdawn, bruce, mark, kathy... .thanks for the sensitive words last night... .they helped me get through a very dark night.  Thank you for it all.
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Oy-vey!
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« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2005, 03:10:44 PM »



Something that I was thinking about yesterday in terms of helping my son learn responsibility and independence... .

if you do something for someone else that they ought to be doing for themselves - you have taken on more than you should for a healthy relationship.

For instance - I too am a loving and generous person (at least in my own mind).  I've been known to do other's chores for them - under the MISTAKEN impression that I was SUPPORTING them.  WRONG.

In a relationship the same thing is true - if you are doing something that your partner could be doing for themselves (and ought to be doing - such as paying their own bills, putting away their own laundry, making doctor or therapist appointments for them) - then it is ABNORMAL. 

On the other hand making joint decisions about who will do what because of a limitation or sense of what is right is NORMAL.  Example- just today we commited to buying plane tix for the 5 of us to Long Island for Thanksgiving.  They are tremendously expensive.  S.O. does not believe in credit cards and keeps his overall credit limit at less than $2000.  The only way for us to buy them was for me to put them on my CC and he will pay me back.  (and I presume he will since I trust him).

I don't know if this makes sense or not, but, when the lightbulb went on for me yesterday about how I've done too much for my son which has been detrimental to his overall development into a responsible adult, my eyes opened wide and I said "AHA."
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mark
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« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2005, 05:20:21 PM »

hi skip' --

"we love to be loved in return" -- then it's not love.
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Bigbob
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« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2005, 07:46:56 PM »

brucey/skip----had to add my two cents here about the "con" and the "child." I too felt equally betrade and conned into the presentation of her naivatae, innocent self while we were dating that first year.

In fact, I must confess. her "youthfullness" that I perceived from her image (even though she was 48) threw me a curve, and made me feel like this sweet thing just needs a good, loving man.

Unfortunately, as time passed, I saw way too much of this rebellious little girl who could not control her behaviours, nor her temperment. SHe conned me into beleiving,( to the point of tears, mind you) that she Never drank, even when she was living with a severe alcoholic years earlier. Now when there's a problem, the sixpacks start appearing/dissapearing in the fridge daily---especially now that I'm out and she's alone.

They're truths are seldom real truths at all----it's adult life perceived thru the eyes of a child.
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Bigbob
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« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2005, 08:41:23 PM »

Mark, I can't answer at this stage about how I perceive them--(good or bad etc) It's way too fresh for me. Right now, I need to hang onto painfull memories of her just to keep from idealizing all the good we shared.

But I can answer the second part.

For me, as is the case of the rest of my family, our low self-images  of ourselves,(thanks to our up-bringing) and the burning desire to be loved completely for who & what we are, propells us into those who need us, and will benefit by our love and support, and in return we expect the love to come back to us---kinda like, well, we earned it.

I always felt this desire in me, but couldn't understand how problematic it's been in my life till it was shown to me by a councellor.

I come from an average middle class family in central Mass---Catholic up-bringing, private Catholic schools, a couple of years of college and a strong work ethic w/some moral values. (being taught by mostly nuns growing up can make anyone a little tipsy)

But the main influence of my life was my dad---whom I guessed loved us in his own Hitler way, but never could express love in any way---we were valued by what we could accomplish, how smart we were at math and hard work--period.

My two sisters and I, all have made some terrible partner choices more than once---each time picking those who've seemed wounded or lost or just haven't gotten a good break.

My wife reminded me of the conversation we had at a restaurant on our second date---and it was true, I did say it. After listenning to the plights of her past, I told her that what I saw was just "a lamb caught in a barbed-wire fence" There it was, plain as day, and I thought I would be her hero! This love-starved Superman was sitting right in front of you---just follow my lead, baby, and your life will be enhanced.

It took a long time for me to see the stupidity of my thoughts and beleifs regarding women.
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Skippy
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« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2005, 11:24:53 AM »

I see numerous comments about how the ugliness fades and the beauty shows brighter with time.

We have broken up numerous times, but as time goes on, I want to forgive the bad, and I start to cherish the wonderful times. 

I have a list of evils and it helps, but even its effectiveness dissipates with time.  I feel myself slipping into depression and I want to stop.

Time heals all wounds or absence make the heart grow fonder?  I want the first, but I'm stuck in the second.


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kathy45
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« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2005, 11:33:49 AM »

gee ... you and I think the same way...

always see the good stuff .

we need to get nasty skip... its the only way...

kathy
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Hikergal72
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« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2005, 12:59:02 PM »

Ya'll the good stuff doesn't exist... .it is fake, fallacy, fantasy.  I, too, clung to those good memories but now I look back and see it for what it was - a brief glimpse at the "calm before the storm."  Nothing more.  As good as those "good times" were they pale in comparison to the reality of the relationship.  I know it hurts, but you guys have the power to let it ruin your lives or not!  Choose not to, it's great on the other side! 

All of you are in my thoughts everyday, I never thought I could be so touched by a group of strangers and all I want to do is reach out my hand and pull ya over Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Skippy
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« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2005, 01:03:07 PM »

What a great motivating reply... thanks.  I'm trying.
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JoannaK
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« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2005, 01:23:06 PM »

The "seeing the good and forgetting the bad" is a complicated thing.  Most of us were guilty of this at some time, some for years and years.

One could see it as a codependent, sick behavior - and it probably is to some degree, or one can see it as representing a really good true human trait:  Optimism, positivism, hopefulness.  As a species, we'd be gone if we didn't have a deep seated desire to go on and to make the best of things.

But it's hard to see when that optimism and hopefulness is just keeping us on a bad track.  You are idealizing her, skip.  You have your list, you can add to it, but if you are still dreaming and hoping, all you can do is to get busy... .do something, specifically something that will keep your mind busy.  God, it's hard, skip.  I know... .I've been there as has everybody here. 

See yourself as a good human being because you want to remain hopeful.  But remind yourself that you must be realistic as well.
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Skippy
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« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2005, 03:36:17 PM »

One could see it as a codependent, sick behavior - and it probably is... .

To some degree, or one can see it as representing a really good true human trait... But it's hard to see when that optimism and hopefulness is just keeping us on a bad track.

I surfed a little about co-dependency... .boy, no way was I codependent before this relationship... .but now, I can see some tendencies (not blaming her)... .not a great feeling... .

I got some things to think about here... .
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kathy45
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« Reply #16 on: October 20, 2005, 07:02:22 AM »

?
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Skippy
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« Reply #17 on: October 20, 2005, 11:14:45 AM »

?.
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