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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Poll
Question: Did you leave your BPD or did BPD leave you?
BPD left me [BPD decision]
BPD left me [I forced it]
Mutual decision [overtly communicated]
Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]
I left BPD, [BPD forced it]
I left BPD [My decision]
**Not Ended [In NC]
**Not Ended [contact]
....None Apply to Me

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Author Topic: SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?  (Read 46557 times)
Husband321
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #210 on: December 23, 2017, 06:24:10 AM »

Found her with another guy she must have seen no more than 2 times and she moved directly into his house.

3 days before this I was still the love of her life and making Christmas plans.

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zumie

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #211 on: January 01, 2018, 04:22:22 AM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]

Before our 2-week vacation which started on my birthday she just ran away and went to the first male she found on the internet...
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araneina
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: We (me 33/f, him 31/m) broke up after ~6 months in Oct 2017.
Posts: 113


« Reply #212 on: January 04, 2018, 01:26:45 PM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]

He tried to end it several times but we always found our way back together.  Finally he decided to move states and didn't want me to come with.  2 weeks later he was FB official with a girl he said was "just a friend" while we had been together.  

I realize now the relationship was toxic, but at the time, I was willing to move states with him.  What a catastrophic mistake that would have been.
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Drs204

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 37


« Reply #213 on: August 12, 2018, 02:46:25 AM »

She left me. Texted and said "I think we should go our separate ways as I am too busy with the new job and the kids." (she is also a widow).

5 weeks later blocks me on FB and turns out has a new BF. A friend told me.

After confronting her by email and text she has broken contact and I have not heard from her in 2 weeks now.

Sent her a text today saying I am sorry for things I said, that I forgive her, and that I do love her. I do not expect any reply.

I do expect her to contact me though once this relationship ends. She knew him a week before going "into a relationship" with him.

Or she may not and I never hear from her again. I may wish her a Merry Christmas at that time of year but that is about it.
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SerendipityChild
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 144


« Reply #214 on: August 12, 2018, 11:28:04 AM »

She left me. Texted and said "I think we should go our separate ways as I am too busy with the new job and the kids." (she is also a widow).

5 weeks later blocks me on FB and turns out has a new BF. A friend told me.

After confronting her by email and text she has broken contact and I have not heard from her in 2 weeks now.

Sent her a text today saying I am sorry for things I said, that I forgive her, and that I do love her. I do not expect any reply.

I do expect her to contact me though once this relationship ends. She knew him a week before going "into a relationship" with him.

Or she may not and I never hear from her again. I may wish her a Merry Christmas at that time of year but that is about it.

Isn’t it funny how they said they need some time to themselves yet they can’t stand to be alone? My exBPD resented me for sticking it out with him through the lows and kept telling me I deserve someone better. I was so blinded by my love for him that I kept responding to him “No, you’re the one for me and I’m not leaving you”. He must have not liked that because he felt trapped. Maybe bored. He had lost interest in doing what we normally do to have fun: concerts, movies, camping and even sex. The last he said was he hated me. No closure whatsoever. I knew that if I tried to see him and ask him to come home he would have just ignored me or told me to get lost. I think that’s a huge reason why it hurts so much. There were no proper goodbyes and wishing each other good luck. It left me so conflicted. Why won’t he give me any closure? Is he with someone else now and if it doesn’t work out he’s expecting me to take him back? Either way I am done. I promised myself and my children that he’s finally over. There are moments when I question myself if I am doing the right thing by practicing no contact. Then I start thinking of all the horrible things he told and did to me to validate my decision. It still hurts. But I know in time it will get better.
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Drs204

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 37


« Reply #215 on: August 12, 2018, 03:30:25 PM »

Isn’t it funny how they said they need some time to themselves yet they can’t stand to be alone? My exBPD resented me for sticking it out with him through the lows and kept telling me I deserve someone better. I was so blinded by my love for him that I kept responding to him “No, you’re the one for me and I’m not leaving you”. He must have not liked that because he felt trapped. Maybe bored. He had lost interest in doing what we normally do to have fun: concerts, movies, camping and even sex. The last he said was he hated me. No closure whatsoever. I knew that if I tried to see him and ask him to come home he would have just ignored me or told me to get lost. I think that’s a huge reason why it hurts so much. There were no proper goodbyes and wishing each other good luck. It left me so conflicted. Why won’t he give me any closure? Is he with someone else now and if it doesn’t work out he’s expecting me to take him back? Either way I am done. I promised myself and my children that he’s finally over. There are moments when I question myself if I am doing the right thing by practicing no contact. Then I start thinking of all the horrible things he told and did to me to validate my decision. It still hurts. But I know in time it will get better.

Oh exactly. She said she "needed space". Had to "figure out what I want". She's almost 30 years old with 2 kids and does not know what she wants? It was one question she could never answer for me, "What do you want out of life?". But I think  that is typical BPD with the lack of self.

I told her too, "you are the one for me and I am not leaving you". I think that triggered the fear of engulfment and pushing me away. Despite the fact they have a fear of abandonment. It's a huge paradox really. I can't imagine what is going on in their minds. It must be a living hell.

But the last text from her two weeks ago was saying she met the guy the week before so I can shove her cheating on me up my ass. No closure. No good bye. Nothing. Very impulsive. Very much BPD behavior.
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findingmyselfagain
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Posts: 940


« Reply #216 on: September 15, 2018, 09:25:15 PM »

Similar experience here... .She seemed so genuine and caring when she ended things... .almost as if things were real and that we could recover. "She needed time to herself... .needed to be single... .it was her and not me" We'd get lunch in a month or so and talk about things. "Things were really up in the air" But then two weeks later she was hanging out with the guy that she tried to sabotage the relationship with anyway in the first place. Not too long after that she was "dating somebody'... .Yep.

The longer I'm out of it the more I see it as a blessing that I'm out of it. You know, it was never had anything to do with us. These relationships, with these kinds of people, are by definition chaotic. They can and do work out occasionally but when they don't, don't they teach us something about ourselves? The empathetic part of me does feel deeply for her pain, but I found out that that's not love. I had to accept that some things are just out of my control and I have to take care of myself and not get caught up with the "poor me" types. Childhood issues, too, my mother's personality was similiar, difficult relationship... .My grandparents practically raised me. My mother painted my father as a bad person but as an adult I know him much differently. I almost repeated that cycle but this r/s hurt me deeply and woke me up too. What was your lesson?
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Drs204

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 37


« Reply #217 on: September 21, 2018, 07:25:20 PM »

Similar experience here... .She seemed so genuine and caring when she ended things... .almost as if things were real and that we could recover. "She needed time to herself... .needed to be single... .it was her and not me" We'd get lunch in a month or so and talk about things. "Things were really up in the air" But then two weeks later she was hanging out with the guy that she tried to sabotage the relationship with anyway in the first place. Not too long after that she was "dating somebody'... .Yep.

The longer I'm out of it the more I see it as a blessing that I'm out of it. You know, it was never had anything to do with us. These relationships, with these kinds of people, are by definition chaotic. They can and do work out occasionally but when they don't, don't they teach us something about ourselves? The empathetic part of me does feel deeply for her pain, but I found out that that's not love. I had to accept that some things are just out of my control and I have to take care of myself and not get caught up with the "poor me" types. Childhood issues, too, my mother's personality was similiar, difficult relationship... .My grandparents practically raised me. My mother painted my father as a bad person but as an adult I know him much differently. I almost repeated that cycle but this r/s hurt me deeply and woke me up too. What was your lesson?

Still trying to figure out what my lesson is. Maybe to watch out a bit more, and to look for certain behavior? Like early declaration of love, super texting, then stonewalling, things like that.

I actually sent her a text today; it had been 6 weeks since I sent the last one. Maybe I should not do so but I did. Limited contact. No answer from her of course and I don't expect any as I am sure my number is blocked. I said so in the text anyway. More or less it was that I had spent a few days in Jasper thinknig about us. I had bought a large tent which was to be for us and her boys. (They had asked me to take them camping at one time as they knew I camped. )

I told her I thought part of what brought it on was her fear of abondonment (I have never mentioned BPD as I don't think she even knows) and that it was that which prompted her to abaondon me so I could not abaondon her and then find another BF quickly to fill the void. I also mentioned that I thouhgt her anxieties got the better of her. I said I cared about her and would never have abandoned her; in fact saying I wanted to commit to a deeper realtionship with her before the breakup.

Maybe I am the crazy one no?

I look back at my own childhood and recent came to realize my father was a religious narcist. We had a very strict upbringing. I look at my divorce as well, and how that related to my upbringing, and my X-wife was very much the same. My xgfwBPD was very different from that so I found it interesting and I was very open to a relationship with her. In recent years for me trying to form a relationship with "church girls" has proved impossible once they find out about the divorce. I have actually even stopped going to church.

I see this maybe as a warning to myself as to what can happen. Yet I still would go back to her or take her back if she wanted; though I would insist we go for therapy together as ssit would be needed looking at what happened to us.

Another side of me says to walk way. Leave it alone and walk away. Yet this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I miss her boys too as I grew attached to them, and they to me. I am sure she lied to them as to what happened, saying I left them. Oh and here is a new guy... .whom the relationship will also not work out as she knew the guy a week before "dating" him.

In time with her not responding then I will move on. I have had 2-3 other ladies express interest though the closest one is a 3 hour drive and the other 2 across the country. And all of them are dealing with their own issues with recent breakups, one in a divorce and rehab (I have know her all my life though and we should have dated as teens) , one fled a narcist whom almost killed her and so on.

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