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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Poll
Question: Did you leave your BPD or did BPD leave you?
BPD left me [BPD decision]
BPD left me [I forced it]
Mutual decision [overtly communicated]
Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]
I left BPD, [BPD forced it]
I left BPD [My decision]
**Not Ended [In NC]
**Not Ended [contact]
....None Apply to Me

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Author Topic: SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?  (Read 46558 times)
Skippy
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« on: November 30, 2005, 09:22:10 AM »

I'm posting this to help someone deep in a BPD relationship.

How many of us proactively terminated a BPD relationship because it was the healthy thing to do (as opposed to just dealing with the inevitable end).  

How many of us are spurned lovers?  We keep trying to make it work... one more time.

Please share how your relationship actually ended.



See list of all romantic relationship surveys
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egghead
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« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2005, 09:25:46 AM »

Mine left Sunday, went out with a guy, and moved in with him that night... .she hasn't been back since, except to get her clothes and personals... .she won't be back.



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Hurtin

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« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2005, 09:52:30 AM »

I had a friend I suspect has BPD - meets most of the criteria.

I hung in there for a long time but when she informed me how I had enabled her to live the life she has been living, that she couldn't understand how anyone could count on me, etc., etc... .I felt like she slapped my face and I realized, lightbulb moment, that I never mattered to her; our friendship only existed in my mind.

We were back and forth for a long time (4 years) but I decided it was enough. I know I didn't fail - I was a good friend, I just picked someone that was a shell to help... .
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TeaAmongRoses
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« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2005, 01:22:05 PM »

I left my BPD or NPD - he was undiagnosed.  Actually asked him to leave and he did.  Since he never paid rent and didn't have a job in that town it was the most workable solution.  We were together 12 years.  I left him because I knew it was the healthy thing to do.  He was very sad and heartbroken but besides a few re-engagement attemps, he accepted my decision.  I've had no contact with him in 8 months. 

Tea   
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karategrrl
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Relationship status: left the relationship 4 years ago
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« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2005, 01:28:04 PM »

Well, I moved out when my ex left to meet her online "soulmate" in another state... .She had broken up with me while she was serving in Kuwait (at Christmas time). I wanted to wait until she came back to move, because I expected her to buy me out of the house.

She came back in July and left for the soulmate after being back a week... .When reading her E-mails, I read that she planned to evict me and our son as soon as she got back... .I didn't wait around, I moved in 48 hours... .Not only did she keep all the equity, she reported my car stoled, so I was forced to give it back... .

We're still in limited contact because of our son, but that should end soon... .We're going to mediation this month and that should end it all... .
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JoannaK
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« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2005, 01:43:06 PM »

My exh first filed for divorce in 1996, then he changed his mind.  We got back together and into marriage counseling in early 1997.  In mid 2000, just when things seemed to really be going well, I found some truly horrible creepy stuff that he was involved with on the Internet.  I wanted to talk about it, but he decided not to return to marriage counseling.  As he refused to talk about what was going on, I finally filed for divorce and got him out of the house... .18 months later, in late 2001.

So I ultimately left him... .I don't think he would have gone if I hadn't pushed him out; he would have just hung around making me miserable.
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pip
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« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2005, 01:49:42 PM »

still with my W

been together for a lonnng time ,almost 25 years,

committed

sometimes i think i should be committed !

things are a lot better but it will be good when she stops lapsing into poor little victim

were working on it

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headjam
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« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2005, 05:44:47 AM »

He left me for someone else. Then raged at me because "I just cut off!"

No contact now.

Glad its over.
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wish_2_have
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« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2005, 11:27:18 AM »

nothing is going to change, so trying to get away.
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Sapphire
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« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2005, 12:26:36 PM »

He left me when he moved out of state and left me behind. But, I decided to end it for good when he started pulling his ___ again. By that time I had had enough, and didn't want to continue being in a destructive relationship.

So, I "abandoned" him, but he basically forced me into it.

It wasn't a mutual decision, b/c we never really "talked about it", b/c he wouldn't allow it. He just started in with the silent treatment crap, and I never got a chance for any closure. I just got the blame, and he ran to someone else.

~SD~
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jdee
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« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2005, 05:24:22 PM »

he's 'left' so many times i can't count.  usually we go thru a close, warm, loving period and then he emails me (yes. really -- and we've been together for 2+ years !) and tells me it's over because he doesn't love me anymore.  a few times he slept with his ex (who he left because he said she was a "pathetic loser" because of his looney "sexual impulses" and complete inability to be alone.

i usually go back to try to stabilize things, fix it, work it out... .blah, blah, blah... .not this time.  i SO deserve better.  n/c no matter what.
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Skippy
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« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2005, 11:31:48 AM »

She just didn't return my last phone call.
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been there
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2005, 02:02:55 PM »

   


    Still married to Tina, for over 30years.

    Mark
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Skippy
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2005, 04:02:06 PM »

Still married to Tina, for over 30years.

Mark

Have you two learned to cope and live a productive life.  God bless you.
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been there
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« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2005, 05:21:28 PM »



   Skip,

   I don't know if you can really cope with BPD? Either us nons or the ones who have it.

   The only reason our relationship even had a chance, was because Tina took responsibility for herself, sought help, and followed through.

   Take care, Mark

   
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Skippy
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« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2005, 08:30:27 PM »

I'm glad to hear any success stories in this world.  There is so much sadness and dispair.
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mourning33
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« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2005, 09:11:54 PM »

I don't know if mine will ever "really" end.  It has been months since we last spoke.  She got married on my birthday a couple of weeks ago to someone she met and got married to in three months.  I thought that would be the end of it, but yesterday I got another seven text messages from her.  I don't read them, so I don't know what they say but I truly question whether this "finally ending" is in the cards.
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Janthina
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« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2005, 09:53:06 PM »

I don't know which one to check.

She told me she'd not drink. For several years she didn't. For the last two years she drank every day. I snapped at her. Told her I could not take it anymore.

S0 she ghosted me. But slept by my side every night, hanging on to me, but to contain me, not love me.

After a week or so, she brought the man that she had switched her allegance to into our home. It took my shellshocked brain a while to understand she was screwing him, as she was queer, or so she'd said.

She helped the creep molest me.

I freaked. I made him leave. I started sleeping in another room.

She ran after him and spent her days screwing him and getting drunk with him. Came home nights to rage at me and terrorize me.

Initially she wanted me around, as a pet, as a housekeeper, as a babysitter. Hell, let's be blunt, as a slave.

I wouldn't have it.

She raged and stalked and was horrible. She was drunker and drunker more and more often.

I called her family for help. They blamed me, bullied me and threatened to call the police on me. Well, her sister Linda did.

I left, everything. I left.

The BPD won. She got everything. She got it all.

Not me, but she didn't want me anymore. I was all used up. She'd stolen everything she could from me.

And I didn't want her anymore either. She proved herself a monster.

Love to loathing in under six weeks.

Check whichever choices on the poll that you think fit.
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PolskiNJ
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« Reply #18 on: December 06, 2005, 12:11:15 AM »

It was a long time coming (maybe the last 2 years of a 4 year relationship) but I was always trying to make it work and get her help and I wanted to stay together. But it became harder and harder for me to want to stay and care about the relationship because of how abusive (verbally) and how unreasonable she became. Then it really blew up over the last few months and she wanted me to move out but only for a temporary break (of 2 months - her time frame?) because she knew we would get married but we just need a break from each other. I knew better and I knew she would be with other people trying to find a replacement the second I left. But I was wrong. I told her I was not coming back then and I was moving all my stuff out and she went out that night and got with someone else (before I even did get out the door) Then lied to me about it and kept telling me how much she loves me and how she knows one day we will still get married. So yea I left but I was forced out in a big way. Not sure if she kept trying to string me along at the end like that because none of her now many hookups never wanted more then a one night stand or because she really feels that way. But I have finally started to not care about her and what she thinks and why she thinks that way and who she is going home with ect... .ect... .NONE of that matters because no matter what I can never trust her again and would never get back with her. I DO NOT deserve to be treated the way she treated me and I know I can do a lot better. Everyone on this board can. Nobody should ever be treated the way people with BPD can treat us... .the ones that are supposed to be the people they love. Because in my book if that is love then I am just fine without it.
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VanessaG
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« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2010, 05:01:51 PM »

When I read the options, all I could think was "which ending?"

There was no option for "all of the above."   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Our very last contact was me telling him that we could not be in contact in any way, shape or form, and certainly not "friends."  I never heard a response.  That was 3 months ago.  A bit more, in fact.

VanessaG

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havana
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« Reply #20 on: March 05, 2010, 05:06:11 PM »

I'm afraid mine will only end when one of us dies.
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Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
jardin
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« Reply #21 on: March 05, 2010, 07:15:26 PM »

(There's something very disconcerting about reading posts from 2005 and thinking - man, that sounds so familiar.  The effect of this disease on so many people... .so many lives... .the amount of damage done... .and the amount of lives left in shambles for essentially the same exact symptoms... .is just staggering.  It can be very frightening.)
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Indigo Sky
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Relationship status: End of March 2013 she tried to have me charged with assault so she could benefit from it financially and then have me deported. Just about everyone has told me if I go back to her city most likely I will run into personal danger.
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« Reply #22 on: March 05, 2010, 10:09:16 PM »

BPD left me.

About 2 months before her decision I told her I accepted her for the way she is and felt calm inside, I had a good life with her son, mum, relatives and friends, I accepted who she is complete with the cheating and lieing, I admit when she was not depressed it was an amazing adventure, lots of fun, she could be the center of everyones universe... .but when she went down... .she crashed... .

She moved her long time lover / boyfriend in a couple weeks after our divorce.

3 months later she is alone, no idea who left who.

She invited me back.

I believe with all my heart that BPD is a physical problem within the human brain, beleive one day a cure will be found, therapy will be needed still, but I believe with a cure they will be much more open to therapy... .

I didnt return, if I hadnt have found a different home... .and a new friend... .I probably would have went back... .

And I agree... .for most of them they dont end... .we still talk... .she wants to meet... .I am happy just giving her what ever verbal support I can over the phone... .doubt if I will see her again... .hope she finds someone to take care of her... .she knows how I feel... .

Believe with all my heart that BPD is a physical problem within the human brain, that in the future there will be a cure, therapy will still be needed, but with the cure they will be more open to treatment... .
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #23 on: March 05, 2010, 10:34:11 PM »

I left BPDxh. It was my decision. I got really tired of seeing his profile on dating sites and fighting about it. I got tired of his drinking. I got tired of the other woman sending scantily clad pictures to his e-mail. I got tired of having no friends. I got tired of not seeing my FOO. I got tired of his not working.  I got tired of picturing the future not any better but maybe even worse. No way to live.

p.
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Janell

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« Reply #24 on: April 25, 2010, 09:32:59 AM »

My relationship ended after he got mad at something a couple of my friends posted on Facebook (NOT about him or us).  He gave me the silent treatment for several weeks after that, and then finally told me there were "too many things about me that he couldn't deal with".

It wasn't the first silent treatment, or the first break-up.  Any time I said or did something that showed me to be human (i.e. not perfect), he would get angry and withdraw and there would be no communication until he'd "calmed down".  Each time he would tell me it was over, then eventually he would contact me and want to start things up again (except for this last time).

Even though he is the one who technically ended the relationship, I wouldn't go back to him if he changed his mind.  It had reached the point where the pain, anxiety and stress far outweighed the pleasure.

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DAS
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« Reply #25 on: April 25, 2010, 09:40:06 AM »

I picked that she forced it.

She slept with another guy in my bed. It was a no decision for me (although, yes it was my decisions consequently). I hold her 100% responsible for the way things fell out. If she had just been honest with me, things could have worked out differently.
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poppybb
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« Reply #26 on: April 25, 2010, 10:20:43 AM »

sent an email outlining why i didnt think it was healthy to be together any longer , he ignored the part where i said i want to part now . instead focusing on another issue at hand , i finally say is there any point in talking now ... he says no just go , i adore you , im here for you . i just said yes i agree im going to go thanks for understanding , he says , i do , i love you , bye for now ... .so im not sure , i did initiate the ending but i think he will think he ended it for his ego sake but really i had just had enough ... .he sensed it and thinks by saying go he has done me a favor ( martyr ) , but we all know yes he has done me a favor .
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Penguinectomy
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« Reply #27 on: April 25, 2010, 10:46:36 AM »

It took me one and a half years to leave my uBPDxh. Told him shortly after an anniversary that I wanted a divorce, and got the  full rage and threats, so stepped back, moved into the second bedroom and tried to figure things out and leave carefully, which is what took the majority of the time.  Saved money, got a lawyer, made sure our finances were all tracked and written out so that his family could take over once I left, and gave him written one month notice.  Lost a lot of my posessions, including pictures of my son and my own childhood pictures, but getting out was the most important thing.

The relationship with the guy I started seeing a few months later, who also had some kind of PD and was an alcoholic (although it took me nearly 2 years to figure it out) worked out differently.  We got engaged after 6 months, but I insisted that we work on a "10 year plan" to get our finances in order and our divorces finalized before we married.  (That tells me that on some level I knew something was wrong, but wouldn't let myself  acknowledge it.)  Finally, his drinking got so bad that I never saw him sober, and when he lost his job over it, I panicked and fled.  Dumped him over the phone, and never saw or spoke to him again. 

My relationships since then have all been casual, and I actually haven't dated anyone in the last 6 years.  Just the thought of it makes my stomach clench.  I really worry that I will attract another PD'd guy, and don't trust myself to handle the aftermath of that without shutting myself off from other people completely.
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VB
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« Reply #28 on: April 25, 2010, 11:21:35 AM »

I made the decision to leave him after 3 years of verbal, emotional and low grade physical abuse (that I could see escalating). Right now all he does is email me. I am LC (I sometimes reply if he asks a relevant question), but I am planning on full NC as from tomorrow. I am happier, healthier and look and feel better without carrying his weight around.
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Manon46
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« Reply #29 on: April 25, 2010, 11:42:11 AM »

He left me, moved out after a suicide attempt on my request, came back for the weekends/hollidays, kept on raging blaming than he found another victom, practically ignored me for a whole year, delaying divorce, promising heaven, moved in with her,finalized the divorce, forced out with her, tried to get back in with me again, than silence... .

Promised to pay me money he owns me, he did one term, don't know where he is, or with who, sais he lives with his parents, bit text and email contact over money, sending his love with it, asking how i am.

I am answering only the financial questions, doesn't give him an answer how i am, don't ask him how he is...

Guess will hear more from him... don't know why he is so friendly and keeping his promise about money  ?
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mn36
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« Reply #30 on: April 25, 2010, 12:01:35 PM »

It's been awhile since I have posted on these boards because I have been trying to deal with the residual effects of being married to one of these people and being here was proving to be painful.  However, I have started to feel stronger emotionally and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to chime in here.  So, here is my story.

It appears that he was carrying on with 2 women in the last few years of our 26-year marriage.  However, I don't think my xuBPDh would have truly left if I hadn't filed for divorce and then insisted that he remove all of his things from the home.  The final straw was that I caught him in another lie about where he was while I was working. I worked nights at the time and caught him going down the highway to mistress #1's house (not that he ever admitted he was in a relationship with her). We had been married for many years, most of which consisted of his cheating (and lying to me about it), continued verbal/emotional abuse, etc. (same story as everyone else here on these boards). 

In the end, I think, we would still be married if I hadn't moved things forward.  It was that weird 'push-pull' that they do, where he wanted to leave all his things in our home (and intact - i.e. keep his office the same, etc. as though he could one day walk back through that door and everything would be ready for him) while he moved to another country/continent to work and shack up with the woman that lived there.  No admission that he was in an affair with someone, no indication that he intended to file for divorce, no honesty in what he was doing.  Just "I decided to take the job in Australia" (we live in the pacific northwest) and "I'm going to focus on what I need right now because I am tired of taking care of everyone" (pretty funny coming from someone who struggles to put himself second in anything). And, it made him angry that I kept his 'feet to the fire' so to speak in terms of making sure that all the financial agreements, divorce papers were signed, etc. before he left the country.

I have been NC since the last week of September 2009 and can't believe how much happier I am without him in my home.  Currently, I am doing a lot of 'mop up' in terms of the damage that was done to my kids and myself.  We are all moving towards a better life without him and I am most thankful that I finally came out of that fog and said "I done"... .
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texas.moxie
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« Reply #31 on: April 25, 2010, 12:45:31 PM »

When his verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse I had him arrested.  Got a restraining order to keep him off my property.

He NEVER would have left if he hadn't been hauled off in handcuffs.  NEVER.
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juner
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« Reply #32 on: April 25, 2010, 01:28:24 PM »

It was a bizarre one-sided fight that escalated fast. As usual, I was suddenly on the defensive. Then I just stopped, declared I didn't know what to do and walked out. Neither one of us has reached out since. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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rosebud
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« Reply #33 on: April 25, 2010, 02:04:38 PM »

It was a bizarre one-sided fight that escalated fast. As usual, I was suddenly on the defensive. Then I just stopped, declared I didn't know what to do and walked out. Neither one of us has reached out since. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Pretty much the same with me.  It was different this time... .enough... .just STOP.   :'(;p
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familysuffersfrombpd

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« Reply #34 on: April 25, 2010, 02:44:21 PM »

I'm curious... .I'm still 18 months pending after filing for divorce.  He hid a lot of things so even though custody was easy... .he still wants to control me.  Seems that he is more worried - what little time he takes the children - about my "free time" than being excited about the kids and he has a girlfriend! 

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lieslieslies
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« Reply #35 on: April 25, 2010, 02:45:05 PM »

hi all,

I find answers 1 and 6 represents 57 % of quiz here, amazing high frequency in BPD SO are the ones leaving US,

never thought it would be so in 3 out of 5, did you ? one reason IMO is that we have come to know them to well, or ?

3L
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hiddenlizard
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« Reply #36 on: April 25, 2010, 06:29:44 PM »

I checked "still in contact".

In reality BPD left. He left so many times I cannot remember all of them. In just a year and a few months of marriage. Then he would want to come back. The last time he left I said no more but I think I can best describe my situation as "weaning". I have the divorce papers filled out and have brought the subject up but I'll bet he does not believe I will really do it. A few days ago he wanted to "renew our vows"  

The time is coming. Soon. It is spring and time for new beginnings. I almost wish he would find someone new but: I would never wish this sh** on someone else and we live in a very rural area and the chance of him finding another lover is slim to none and slim just left town.

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js friend
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« Reply #37 on: April 26, 2010, 02:23:18 AM »

He left a week before my birthday.He asked me to make a list of the things I wanted/or wanted to do for my birthday.He came for the list and left.I never heard from him again until 18 months later.He offered no apology or explanation.He just said it was something i said to him on the day he came to collect the list,but wouldnt say what it was.When we met up 18 months later, he took my birthday list out of his wallet to show me that he had kept it as he proceeded to tell me how much he had missed me during those 18 months.How f**ked up is that?
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angry hurt
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« Reply #38 on: April 26, 2010, 04:34:33 PM »

I threw her out after I caught her using my credit card without my knowledge, making up a hidden email account to hide her using my card knowing fine well i'd see the statement, opening catlogue accounts in my name with out my knowledge and adding another credit card to her bingo account without me knowing . She also was emailing her ex boss in a fashion that was as if she was his mistress arranging a meeting . I.e " I have a car now so that will make it a bit easier for me to come down and see you". When I packed her bags and told her she was rumbled she talked me round saying calmly that he was just a good friend and thats the way they talked to each other. There was babe at end of each sentence and also xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx . not just xx or x x x . I still took her back. Then early on in the realaition ship I founf out she had handed out her phone number only days into getting a new job. I rang the number and he did not deny this. It was him whom said she gave him number syaing she was single. That was it. I ended it and threw her out this time. She was not bothered. She moved into her place of work. But when somone local found out we split they sent in a letter to her place of work telling them what she was like. Thief and been in jail. This led to her ringing me saying shed been sacked. She started telling me that she wanted me and wish she never took the job. I thought that it was bar work making her behave like this. Then she was offered her old job back and a place to stay then she was off. She had me wnating her to stay and twisted it as if she was leaving me. Since finding this site I did not understand what was going on. But thanks to yous all on here I am totaly convinced i've had a lucky escape.
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gary1958
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« Reply #39 on: October 20, 2010, 11:08:23 AM »

Well... .Mine walked out raging, half dressed in the middle of sex over a percieved slight one night. Yelled to me and the world outside that the relationship was over. That was 3 1/2 years ago. 3 or 4 feeble attempts at contact in that time. I have ignored them all.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Blythe1976
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« Reply #40 on: October 20, 2010, 11:20:12 AM »

I clicked "I left BPD (BPD forced it)", and what I mean is, his abuse had been escalating for several months during which we recycled 7 or 8 times, and then one night in August, he raged at me for no reason, pulled another "devalue and discard" routine, and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was the rage/d&d that broke the camel's back.

So I hope that's what you mean by the BPD "forced" me into leaving him. His behavior was screaming, "Get out of my life!" even though his words after I left him were "You're making a big mistake to leave me."

:::sigh:::
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fogbound
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« Reply #41 on: October 20, 2010, 12:10:56 PM »

After several recycles including an aborted attempt to divorce last summer, I had finally had enough of being treated like or accused of being the (choose one or more) slave, houseboy, breadwinner, cook, sounding board, villain, problem solver, bad guy, adulterer, porn addict. I just couldn't take my reality distorted anymore so I moved out and filed for divorce. It's going to be a divorce from hell.

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sparky
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« Reply #42 on: October 20, 2010, 03:11:42 PM »

After a 2 yr r/s of typical BPD/NPD/aspd CRAP, where I thought we were working together to beat the demon (BPD)... .his mask was ripped off by his sister calling me and unwittingly revealing his 'other life'... .it's a great story if you didn't live it. 

It was then and there that I KNEW he was not only BPD, but a psychopath as well... .YIKES!  I'm out now 7 weeks and it sucks big time.  The betrayal I feel is immense, but it's getting better every day... .little by little.

I knew it would NEVER work after that phone call... .although I ignored my gut from the beginning, I actually knew long before the phone call that it would never work.  That call had to happen in order for me to see exactly who/what he is.  It's a blessing in disguise... .it's over... .I left him, FINALLY!   
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Benny
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« Reply #43 on: October 20, 2010, 03:33:32 PM »

Towards the end of a 7 year on again off again r/s my emotional endurance simply ran out and my tolerance of her behavior ended.

The last 3 or 4 times she was with me I couldnt wait for her to leave my house so after the last time,about three months ago, I went NC,she has tried to reconnect several times since but Ive ignored her texts.

Going NC without explaining anything to her might seem harsh but there was no talk of seeing each other again after her last visit and she knows why Ive done it,she is far from unaware or stupid and Im so glad its all finally over.
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becstar
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« Reply #44 on: December 15, 2010, 08:42:12 AM »

I am so glad to have read these posts and now realise that there are lots of people living the same emotional rollercoaster as me. My BPD and I have had endless break ups and re unions we have been together (on again off again for the last 2 years) for 6 and a half years, mostly initiated by him, though its like he can tell I am getting exhausted, I am too weak to initate the break up as I care loads about him and at times feel breaking up is not an option. My BPD left me (well I forced it) 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since, he won't give me my belongings back as his way of at some stage pawning contact. We had a massive fight about his lying and constant cheating on me with people and he lost the plot to the extreme, other people in the street came out to make sure that I was ok. I am hoping this is going to be the end and that there is no contact between us again.

My question is, is there any chance a relationship with a BPD can work to benefit both parties involved and if so what are the secrets to success?

I am so relieved after reading these posts... .now for my new life without a BPD
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Mystic
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« Reply #45 on: December 15, 2010, 09:21:48 AM »

I had no idea that mine was even thinking about leaving til I saw a message from his niece to him on FB asking him if he was moving in with their family (his well to do sister's).  Apparently on a visit there she'd offered him a place to stay and the promise of lucrative jobs in the area.  Shame she didn't pony up with such care when I was spending thousands to help him move home.  And here I thought she liked me and was happy that he was with someone who loved him so.  

Anyway, I confronted him about the post, he flew into a rage, tore everything out of here and was gone in less than 2 days.  Just the day before the post we'd been out grocery shopping, planning meals, everything was fine.  Well, fine as anything can be living with someone like that.  I had no idea what was coming.  I was completely destroyed and have been picking up the pieces since.  The emotional and financial toll on me were terrible and shameful and if there is any law of reciprocity, he's in for a ride.  And so is his nasty sister.  

What ugly, evil people.

As for me, I never would have left him or ended it.  I loved him completely and would have done anything to make it work.  I guess I should say Thank God he's gone, because he likely would have completely destroyed me.  

At this point, I've learned all the hard lessons and I still have a life to salvage. 
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OverBoard
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« Reply #46 on: December 15, 2010, 09:58:20 AM »

I moved her out. At the year and half mark of living with me, things changed. She drank excessively and had numerous online affairs. She never "left" really, she would rage and condemn, run off on foot to local bars to get drunk and carry on with strange men, blaming me for all of it. I did everything for her and loved her with all my heart. There were four breaks with her being arrested by my call. Each time she pleaded to come back and promised to make things better. But, as I see it now, it was because she had not worked in the two years and once working in the final month, she found several "victims" one of now was her rich boss, divorced and in a high profile job that she conducts bus. with; Doctors, plastic surgeons, etc. (Just up her ally). She did everything she could to make me loose my job of 8 months after being unemployed for some time. Jealousy. Then she finally finds a job and is hooking up. Found proof of emails, various websites, phone records (when she was home and I was working). One thing led to another and a bag full of false promises, though she claimed she loved me and didnt' want to loose us. Once she was working, she was shutting down even more as all her attention was processing to the next "victim". Her drinking was "overboard", her lies thru the relationship; horrific. She even lied about being divorced (married for 11 years this month to some guy out of the country) and lied about so much. She also was having a long distance affair with another and that became apparent in emails, late night hidden phone calls, gifts being sent to her and the lies between the two of them.

Longggggggggg story short. I moved her out on July 12, 2010. Three months of communication via text only then she cut it off 100% Nov 11, 2010. I have not seen in her 5 months vs the other times she came running back, and now I have not heard a word from her in a month plus. Yes, she still is with that company and I heard she has a car now, rent is being paid and she is getting all HER needs met for free.
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Mystic
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« Reply #47 on: December 15, 2010, 10:02:18 AM »

I guess it helps a bit seeing that they do leave, seems the percentage of them being the leaver is pretty high.  I'd felt such extreme rejection, hurt, humiliation and shame after he'd left... .at least I can take it all a bit less personally.  A lot I've read about BPD says that they tend to not leave because of their abandonment stuff.  Then I've read the stuff that says they'll leave you if they feel themselves getting too close, or to make sure you don't leave them first.  

Doesn't matter I guess.  He destroyed our relationship and walked away hurling blame and insults.  After all I'd done and given... .

I'm afraid to say that I think I've survived the worst anyone could do to me... .I wouldn't want to tempt fate... .but I do believe it's true.  

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BillP
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« Reply #48 on: December 15, 2010, 11:03:46 AM »

My exBPD threw me outof her house, once she had the new b/f in place. Knowing full well I had no place to go, and no family or resources to relocate. However, I have been able to start the recovery process and feel better knowing she's not in my life anymore (hopefully for good).

I have to admit, knowing that the new b/f didn't work out with her made my day.
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Manon46
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« Reply #49 on: December 15, 2010, 12:51:25 PM »

Mine was hospitalized after a suicide attempt... .he was so arrogant to keep saying that he had so many friends where he could go... so I finally said... fine... go there... never let him in anymore... only for the weekends when my kids were not around... untill he found another gf... he stopped coming... and I filed for divorce... it all did go through textmssgs... .awful... he still lives with her, but things are very bad now for him... can't help feeling a little satisfied with that, specially now it's going so well with me... but I don't wish for anybody to go through the hell of an ending or ongoing relationship with a NPD/BPD/ASPD... .
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lurchlookalike
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« Reply #50 on: December 15, 2010, 01:03:21 PM »

There will never be freedom from a BPD when there are kids and money involved.

I'm afraid that is very true. It's a different ballgame when this is involved.
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canucky
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« Reply #51 on: December 15, 2010, 04:44:40 PM »

I left mine almost three months ago. She was ecessively yelling at her already crying son (8yrs)old while he was trying to apologize for something he shouldn't have even been apologizing for in my books. I stepped in and told her to cut it out because it was past discplinary and abusive plus he didn't do anything wrong but asked her too not take so long which even I thought she was. 15 mins earlier we were all in bed playing games together being a family. Big mistake since she directed it on me like a volcano explosion(telling me to shut the **** up you piece of **Being cool (click to insert in post) and i basically had enough of it after 4 years sucking it up not even be able to tell your partner to stop screaming at her son that i raised mostly the last 4 years alone basically. I was definitely his protector against her illness and sometime I was her too. I picked up my things I brought for the weekend and pushed out the door she was trying to block after screaming for 30 mins straight. I was going to just let her calm down for a few hours which I did often but when she threatened to call the police for me pushing my way past her that signed the deal for me to drive home 2 hrs. Before I left she extorted 400.00 dollars from me or she would call the cops. I decided it just wasn't worth it paid her the 400.00 got on the hwy, ignored all the angry and more threatening texts all the way home and went strict NC but then so did she. I emailed her once in the 3 months of NC in a weak moment basically saying I can see it is over and apologies if I touched her too harsh in me bolting although I did do anything but push her aside to get out the door. No reply thank god. This was a women I loved deeply... .so deeply I helped get her off a horrible drug addiction (oxy/coke) from beginning to end, cheating with old exs, relaspes, being recycled, 3 cars destroyed and my porsche gone, being homeless cause she kicked me out numerous times and spent everything and a nice hefty price tag somewhere around 300000 in about two years. I even got her on the show intervention which never panned out. I knew though I would lose out to this BPD illness after I got her clean and she would never get help. Even I am not that good with all the blessing I have as a person.

I think I had to always put one last effort in to see if she would but I truly got tired of the let downs, false promises. She even put on her facebook "people I love" with about 29 people a month after I left. Not one of me but her ex bf who actually got her on drugs, some guy she met on  vacation she knew for a week. I mean please... .at that point I felt everything I have ever read here all at once and said to myself... .it is time to move on bud.

I am worried she will draw me in one day like most here just when you are almost through your process of heasling. I am hoipng I will be recovered long enough to fight it off and maybe even be in a healthy relationship and can just wish her well at her attempts and brush them off.

Canucky

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oceanwind

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« Reply #52 on: December 15, 2010, 05:06:39 PM »

Mine drove me to it in a rage episode on the phone.

She, for some reason wanted me to be the one that did it, anyway I told her I wanted a "break"

She was adamant it was all my fault 100%.

If you heard the trivial things she blamed on me for ruining the relationship you would laugh.

Stuff like,

Not making their beds on the boat for them one weekend (my boat) 

Leaving a mess on a table in my apartment.

Snoring. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I treated her and her kids like royalty and brought love into that house.

I was way too good to her. Every room in her house has something nice in it I put there.

I stupidly just bought her a big Christmas present only yesterday.

I sent her an email telling her where to collect it.

I got the usual cold email back. (She struggles with the words Thanks and Sorry and My fault).

Sure what can you expect from a mule, but a kick. I hope I learn some day.

Thats it, I'm going cold on her because I don't want her back anymore.

She has not seen me going cold on her yet.

She sucks so bad. Six years of copybook BPD just like it says here :-

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

Her loss. I have my own successful business, apartment, 4X4, good bank. no dependants etc. etc etc.

She is on social welfare. Luckily she never moved in.

I'm afraid, The Golden Goose will be in the oven this Christmas   

I do intend to stay in touch with her kids. They were not mine but I love them like they are.

Sorry for the rant guys. Can love turn to hate this quick?

Maybe the Penny's dropped... .I'm think I'm getting better. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #53 on: December 16, 2010, 05:00:42 PM »

I left him.
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distressb

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« Reply #54 on: December 16, 2010, 06:22:01 PM »

My BPDgf of 10 years put me through ten days of abuse. Physical, verbal and emotional. She hit me after a rage attack. Which was my fault for hugging her. She then denied it. Broke my property  ... .the list goes on. She wouldn't allow me to sleep for 10 days. At the end of it I had a nervous breakdown. Which was also my fault btw. I realised then she had to go. She never made it easy. I was showered with guilt trips.

The sad thing is after nearly 5 months nc. I still have flashbacks to them 10 days. I would wish this on my worst enemy.   
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an
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« Reply #55 on: December 16, 2010, 09:20:45 PM »

He screamed for 2 days he wanted a divorce, again. I am meeting with my lawyer next week.
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ve01603
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« Reply #56 on: December 16, 2010, 09:48:17 PM »

It was so weird.  You'd be shopping and making plans in the morning and by that afternoon, you didn't know if you'd ever see them again.
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El Greco
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« Reply #57 on: December 17, 2010, 07:19:57 AM »

He left me for someone else. Then raged at me because "I just cut off!"

No contact now.

Glad its over.

Lol, same here, how crazy is that.

She left me for the love of her life than accused me of never calling so I showed who I really was.

Pfffffffff.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #58 on: December 17, 2010, 10:05:23 AM »

My ex ran out of her depression meds for 4 days and crashed. She wanted to break up with me, citing that she did not feel she loved me anymore. Like an idiot, I talked to her (she was crying and saying she was confused) and we agreed on a break to think.

During this break I found out she ran off with her married, older, rich boss.

She lied and denied of course. I gave her back all her things. She finally admitted to it (but denies cheating Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). I told her not to contact me ever again and that it was over. She stated, "it was over for me two weeks ago."

Nice, huh? Like a child.
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finallyhappy
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« Reply #59 on: December 20, 2010, 03:33:27 PM »

Its funny, he always left me because he couldn't take all the "drama". Then he would go out with the most vicious, hideous actions, blame EVERYTHING one me... .then he would come back, all is well... .repeat... .the last time he "left" I wouldn't take him back. Wow, that really freaked him out. It was really awesome when I said I was seeing someone else... .
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #60 on: January 03, 2011, 07:17:19 AM »

This is hard to answer, I think he left emotionally months before leaving physically.  After the rage, I asked him to leave.  But was the rage introduced to force me to ask him?  He straightened up pretty quick when the cops showed up, so he obviously can control himself.  Afterward he said he had never gotten so angry before, ever, and would be seeking counseling.  I would of loved to be a fly on the wall for that, maybe not, from reading all your stories, I can imagine what he said.

Maybe the better question is was he ever here?  Uwwwwwwwww, deep thoughts.
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confused!!!
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« Reply #61 on: January 03, 2011, 08:11:08 AM »

she stopped contacting me, despite things seemingly somewhat normal between us (or maybe I just didn't see the new flags waving around). Turns out she had someone lined up (emotional connection, not sure if physical). I found out in a roundabout way, via the new distraction, a supposed friend of mine. That's when exgf went NC on me. 4 months ago. Ex friend also ditched me as a friend. Not much of a friend.

The more time goes by and healing takes place, the more a sense of betrayal I feel, not for the ex but for the (ex) friend. No loyalty. Better off without either of them in my life. I've had to deal with feelings of abandonment AND betrayal. Difficult but important lessons.

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beatrixkiddo

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« Reply #62 on: February 13, 2011, 06:03:16 PM »

I'm trying to do the leaving myself. I'm afraid it won't truly end until I can find a replacement for me. I know that sounds horrible, but I know the level of coercementing that's going to happen. I left for 2 months in November 2008. The coercementing was insane. It made me insane. I was a basket case. He agreed to therapy, and that's when he got diagnosed. That changed the game for me. When I realized his behavior was the result of a legitimate disorder, I couldn't "abandon" him. I have a younger sister with schizophrenia, and my mother's response to that was to disown her. My exh (non) and I took her in, and I worked with her for a year. She was non-verbal when we first got her. But after a really hard year, she got better. That was 2002. Today she is fully functional and on her meds. Every doctor told me should wouldn't recover. So I told him if anyone could walk him through it, it was me. I thought I could apply that same theory to borderline. I was WRONG! He's only gotten worse. He has no desire to change.

So I've made the decision to go. Packing this weekend while his brother took him out of town so I could pack in peace. He has no idea I'm going, and I'm a basket case for now. I had to take a break from packing and log in here for some good reminders of why I am going. I don't know why I am so sad. I should be dancing in the street. Its been a complete nightmare these last few years! I'm am a shell of who I once was. The relentless verbal and physical abuse has destroyed my personality. I really don't have feelings for him anymore. He's brutally destroyed anything I ever felt. Unfortunately, we have so much stuff together, I think its going to be difficult to do NC and that's what I really need. I'm so worried about the coercementing, that Ive even thought of setting up an eharmony account for him, so he could move on. That's terrible. I know. It would just make it easier if he would finalize the ending.
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just_think
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« Reply #63 on: February 13, 2011, 07:56:15 PM »

first break up: most mature thing I've ever done.  We both agreed and left on good terms.

final break up: all her followed by a (faked?) dissociative episode and a 911 call from me.
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Upbeat Girl
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« Reply #64 on: February 14, 2011, 05:42:53 AM »

My DPDH left me but continues to make me feel like it is my decision. He refuses to come home even after I have told him that I love him and would like to do marriage counselling. I have also asked him to consider not drinking- it wasn't an order or ultimatum. (It seems that he has taken it that way though). The final straw for me after a 28 yr marriage was our 21 yo hooked on Oxycontin (in an attempt to escape reality) and severely depressed, followed by our 14 yo who was so depressed, he was suicidal. Both were the result of living in a very unsavoury emotional climate at home.I guess I was prepared to be a martyr but realised that I am an adult and as children, my sons were never given the opportunity to make that choice.I made it for them,I stopped giving our marriage  the 95% I had been putting in and dropped it back to the 50% that I should have been contributing all along. It died quite suddenly really.
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SunflowerFields
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« Reply #65 on: February 14, 2011, 08:21:16 AM »

It was supposed to be a romantic weekend for the new beginning for us (the draft of his divorce papers was served to his wife).

He lied about something big.

I caught him in the lie.

It escalated and turned into physical violence for the first time.

I exposed his lies and manipulations to one of his best friends.

We spoke later. He was broken hearted over what happened but used it as an excuse to agree with my "time apart we both need" suggestion. Which I immediately found strange.

I found it was a calculated attempt so he can go alone to a place he told me he wasn't going anymore because we weren't together anymore.

That lie was the final straw.

I told him he was a pathological liar, that from now on he could lie to someone else and that is no longer going to be me.

He sent a couple of texts defending himself and trying to put the fault on me in the process.

I no longer bothered defending myself or responding.

That was it for me.

Day 10 of NC now and hoping it stays that way. It is incredibly hard and I still cry several times a day. But I won't let him back again.
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scotlandthebrave
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« Reply #66 on: February 14, 2011, 10:52:51 AM »

He died. Probably the only way it could have really ended. Ultimate NC.
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myself
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« Reply #67 on: February 14, 2011, 11:45:22 AM »

She is undiagnosed BPD, NPD, ptsd, +, and she's the one who left.
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saphirewidow
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« Reply #68 on: September 08, 2011, 09:31:35 AM »

This is a hard question for me to answer.   I said that none of the above apply to me.  In a way I guess I could say my husband with BPD did leave me.  When he was in a really bad episode I left the house with the kids and told him we couldn't come back until he could control his behaviors.  He chose to overdose and end his life rather then live with the continued emotional pain.  He felt like I was divorcing him even though I told him I wasn't.  I told him I was seperating until he could get through this episode.  I am sad for him because he was truly a miserable, confused, hurting man  and I could do nothing to make it better.  I couldn't  make him happy.  He couldn't believe I loved him and so he was mean and hurtful. When I tried to set limits and hold him accountable for unacceptable behaviors it escalated his behavior.  When I pulled away to protect our children and myself he felt abandoned and killed himself.  I am sad for my husband because of the misery he lived in.  Sad for my children because they love their Daddy and won't get to see him again until eternity.   BPD really sucks.  And we are powerless to heal and change them. 
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #69 on: September 08, 2011, 07:57:06 PM »

I guess it depends what you mean by leave? I think mine left me emotionally after the one year honeymoon period ended. From that point on she broke up with me 5 times in 6.5 years. I have to admit that I was able to talk/convince her to come back each and every time. What I did not know was that while we were split up or on one of our many "breaks" she was out hunting for a new partner. When nothing came to fruition, she would agree to come back to me (I found this out from a friend of ours after she split with me for good). Finally this last time she left me because she had her hooks into our neighbour/former friend of mine. They hooked up literally days if not hours after she split with me. Six weeks later they were engaged. Since she has moved out, I have heard not a peep from her (I don't count sneaking by my house at midnight to drop off photos and mementos of us as contact). I guess her new love muffin is keeping her busy right now. I don't feel too bad anymore because as it turns out her new toy is just as much of a wack job as she is. Man I wish I had front row seats to see this epic disaster unfold! 
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« Reply #70 on: September 08, 2011, 08:22:17 PM »

"I don't know if you can really cope with BPD? Either us nons or the ones who have it.

   The only reason our relationship even had a chance, was because Tina took responsibility for herself, sought help, and followed through."


Been there,

If this question is too personal, please just ignore it.

I am curious as to what you feel triggered your wife to get help?  I ask because it is usually so difficult for folks with this issue to acknowledg they need help and then trusting a therapist enough to actually heed their advice.

I also ask because my wife is someone who clearly needs help, and I think the only way she could ever acknowledge that, is to completely hit rock bottom.  Even then, it still may not be enough to stimulate her.  We are going through a divorce (which she filed for) and things have not gone her way in court and I believe she fears the custody evaluation is also going to be bad for her (she cut off all communication with the CE).  She came to me a month ago and said she no longer wanted to get divorced (again, likely because the truth has been trickling out about her behavior) and she wanted to know if I had hope.  For the first time in my 20 years being married to her, I finally stood up for what was right.  I told her; for there to be a sliver of hope, you need to do three things; acknowledge the truth, acknowledge the damage your behaviors have caused the entire family and lastly, get the right help and follow their advice.  She has basically ingnored this request so far, and I just don't think her defense mechanisms, will ever allow her to submit for help.
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« Reply #71 on: September 08, 2011, 08:28:27 PM »

I voted "BPD left me [BPD decision]." I chose this because  my husband was the one who decided to leave me. That being said, he left several other times, staying gone for a little as overnight to as long as 2 weeks. All of the other times I said he could come back so I suppose he believed I'd let him come back this time too. He was wrong.

At first I thought we could remain friends, but in time I have come to realize that it is impossible.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)





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« Reply #72 on: September 08, 2011, 08:31:12 PM »

I checked off pwBPD left me. He actually kicked me out of our home after two of our most stable years, with no warning.

This after a total of six years of push pull where just about every option on the list was represented, mostly me feeling forced to leave him because I couldn't handle the behavior.

Just nutz.
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« Reply #73 on: September 11, 2011, 02:11:25 AM »



We had a big fight a month ago and he decided to move in with a friend, I apologized for my part in it immediately (eggshells, eggshells) and then a little over two weeks ago we finally have a big long talk (initiated by him) where he says he doesn't just still love me but that he's so in love with me. we talk about the future... .getting married next year... .all plans still in place, knowing we've got some work to do.

Last saturday he tells me via fb that he doesn't know if he's committed to this anymore, that we'll talk about later, after he's back from moving to another city for a while (dropped at the same time, not saying how long he's planning to do this, and, I guess, assuming I'd wait). I told him my heart was shattering, blahblahblah and logged off. I didn't contact him again. I received a text on Tuesday saying, "I need to get my stuff. We'll talk when I come. Prob Thurs." I call to let him that, yes, it's okay he comes Thursday since he so kindly asked and again told him I was hurting and asked if this meant we were broken up, but never pleading with him or asking to reconsider. We were broken up.

Thursday rolls around... .I was actually pretty excited because this was going to be the last time I'd be waiting on him. Closure. Or so I thought. I text midday to see when he's going to come. No response. I finally call around seven. Nothing. I text Friday asking if he can get his stuff after work. He says he has plans and he'll send his daughter. I say, no, I need you to do it for closure and so I can say goodbye face-to-face. He's supposed to come when he's back from weekend trip.

Turns out Thursday when he was supposed to come he was with a new girl (16yrs his jr) who he was talking about getting married to on Friday. For all I know, they could be married. I'm gonna drop his stuff off and just send him a text saying, "I'm thankful through you I got to know and love your kids and also Thanks for doing something I didn't have the courage to do. Goodbye."

I hope it's the end.
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« Reply #74 on: September 11, 2011, 02:34:16 AM »

My uBPH left me this week.  We'd been living estranged in the same house and a couple of weeks ago had a big disagreement and he spun out.  It hadnt happened for sometime (seeing as we dont really communicate). But this one basically spelt it out loud for both of us.  While he was able to keep calm on the whole, as soon as there's a need to communicate, i had said something that pressed a button for him and then it just all fell apart.  He called me names and carried on and it took him about 3 days before he could even look at me.    I'm apprehensive about what will happen now.  Even though I'd been working up to leaving, now that he's left - its still so painful for me.  I still struggle with the urge to 'fix' things. I've been really good with the no contact by phone, text or email.  But struggling with NC as he's still in the process of moving.  I know it's going to be hard for him to accept NC, so Im pretty much dreading it.  But if others here have done it, Im sure I can too.
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« Reply #75 on: September 11, 2011, 03:29:49 AM »

I divorced my exh due to the abuse and his never ending cheating.

Enter in exNPDbf that I knew from the past, I ended our r/s in 1978, we recycled thirty years later. He ended it-although requesting to be friends, I said no.

C
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« Reply #76 on: September 11, 2011, 05:48:04 AM »

She rejected me and asked that I stop fixing the r/s.

She then fell "sick" and asked me to sleep with her again. This was soon followed by false accusations of D/V.

I chose to divorce her to protect myself and put an end to the maddness.

She keep alternating between wanting to engage and be friends and painting me black.

I reamain constant in my message to her. I no longer love her and want to reclaim my life.

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« Reply #77 on: September 11, 2011, 07:14:58 AM »

Never suspected a thing other than my uBPD friend was strange at times with pushing me away than pulling me back in. Did not know about BPD. We were very close, and she immersed herself so deeply into my life and my physical disease(MS) One Friday she was talking to my adult son via Facebook, and by phone, saying all kinds of weird stuff. Then by Tuesday of the following week she unfriended me from all social networks that we were friends on (we live far away from each other although I visited her, and talked to her on a daily basis) And we have not spoken since. She has slandered me to not only her friends,  but mine as well, and tried to take out a restraining order on me... .strange behavior from someone who claimed to love me so dearly, and only sought to help me with my disease. Have not seen each other in 2 years, nor spoken. She would not accept any of my phone calls, respond to any of my emails... .NOTHING I tried to do made any difference at all. I am getting a little better everyday, however, it still hurts. I only pray that one day she realizes she is sick and gets the help she needs, and deserves, she is a person too. Just very lost and alone. Talk about being put on a pedastool and then having the pedastoll yanked out from underneath you. It was extremely hard for me to deal with, and somedays it remains to be. I really valued this person and our friendship, and like many others on here, I do not do well with the no closure, I need a logical explination... .but as I have learned... .pwBPD have no logic behind what they do, or at least what they do seems logical to them because of their emotional fear of engulfment, abandoment , or whatever else they can't emtionally deal with. Really sad, it was seemingly a great friendship for the most part. But as I have learned in a very hard way, things are not always what they seem to be
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« Reply #78 on: September 11, 2011, 09:05:51 AM »

In my case, when I posed this question to myself, it was somewhat conflicting. I spent 14 yrs with BPD. Although we never physically split up until the end. So the recycling, was of a different type, i guess. In the begining of the separation I would have said, she left me. She was starting or was in an affair ( second one confirmed), showing signs of violence,and dysregulated what seemed to be 24/7. When we discussed me staying somewhere else for a few days, something told me this would be it, if I walked out the door. I had been telling myself this, for years. I had this feeling, I had been given, a get out of jail free card, although there was no good feelings, I could feel, just straight PAIN. So there it was, mass CONFUSSION, till the very end. I now see, how my working on myself, during the last 3-4 months or so of r/s, scared the hell out of BPD. I really did try to grab her by the arm and drag her through the other side. So I guess, now I could say, I forced it also. After the separation, and knowledge of BPD, it was able to fit into my anylitical mind. Painful, but at least it made sense, for once.  For me now, the way it ended, really doesnt matter. It was a prewritten script that was going to play out, unless I was able to rise to the occassion, like I had so many countless times before. I wouldnt/couldnt do it anymore,  I was spent.  PEACE
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« Reply #79 on: January 17, 2012, 06:55:13 PM »

After spending much time on this site it seems like the BPD physically leaves the relationship first in much, much greater numbers than does the Non.  Of course, emotionally, they often leave long before they physically leave. 

I left mine.  Broke up with her and told she needed to find somewhere else to live.  Her ensuing actions warranted an RO.  Getting the RO was the best decision I made during the course of the relationship.  It was the impetus which allowed me to begin to separate from the illness and it's damage done.

I still loved her at the time.  It took a long time to get over it.  Anyone here go through something similar?
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« Reply #80 on: January 17, 2012, 07:25:55 PM »

The attachment is the same. It hurts. I loved my ex very much. The roller coaster was too much for me. We went through one of our "good periods" right before i left for a long weekend to take care of a property I own in another state. We kissed passionately at the airport when I left. When I got back she wouldn't touch me. After 3 days I just said this isn't working. She left at the end of the week. I've had a lot of contact since then. Even a couple recycles. A word to the wise... .The recycles are very damaging. You are tainted for abandoning and the ups and downs are more frequent and steep. If you are out do your best to move on. It is very hard at first but starting a new routine can help. Exercise, eating right, renewed focus at work, picking up hobbies, start a new hobby, planned nights out... .Reclaim your life. It feels like you are faking it at first but it gets better. Your new routine takes over and your brain starts functioning like it should.

Good luck,

OTH
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« Reply #81 on: January 17, 2012, 07:45:22 PM »

which time?

most of us have a series of push/pull - each doing the leaving at one point.

The final time - she left, came back and I said it was time for her to move out and we needed to get a divorce.  It wasn't what I wanted, but it was the only way I could get any control over my own life.
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« Reply #82 on: January 17, 2012, 07:56:22 PM »

The final break I threw him out of my apartment. He was in a rage, I'd even say a semi-psychotic break was occurring where he was projecting and the things he was saying, the look on his face, the weird body movements, almost a blank look on his face, just made me snap and I kicked him out--told him never, never contact me again, not by mail, email or phone.

He within a few hours sent my brother this email containing some pretty big lies, and around a 20 hours later sent me the most awful email filled with the most vile things, especially considering it came from someone who was so "madly in love" with me.

For two weeks I had a ball. Hardly even thought of him. By the end of two weeks, he had moved on and was already "sharing a life" with someone new, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)--someone he lined up while he was with me, sensing me growing short on patience with him. I had reached out to him after two weeks, but by then, he was gone.

So, I don't know who left whom. I suppose I did, but then backed down a wee bit, and by then he had moved on.

Our split was as confusing and vague as our entire r/s.

M
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« Reply #83 on: January 17, 2012, 08:02:00 PM »

I went NC- hard to do. Got into some T which is helpful and eye-opening to say the least.
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« Reply #84 on: January 17, 2012, 08:05:33 PM »

The final time (in fact every time), she broke it off and I took the leave pass with both hands.

I guess I'd be waiting in the boarding lounge for a few months just waiting for that final boarding call.

So technically she kicked me out (of what was my place... .) but by that stage I didn't take any convincing to pack and leave.
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« Reply #85 on: January 17, 2012, 08:22:49 PM »

I think this is the part that drives some of us crazy still.  For me I tried 1/2 dozen times over a year to leave and she kept reeling me back in and then poof she was gone on to another guy... .to this day I hate myself for not being strong enough to be the one that said enough is enough and dumped her... .
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« Reply #86 on: January 17, 2012, 08:25:21 PM »

I guess technically,the first time she left, but it was in the back of a police car.Does that count? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

The second time, I left, after giving her a taste of her own medicine,turning the tables,and a smack to her ego! It was priceless and I DO NOT lose.(Sorry,one of my shortcomings ,but it felt SO good Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #87 on: January 17, 2012, 08:26:40 PM »

I did.

Christmas day at her mother's place with her family (a hotbed of dysfunction if ever I saw one).

She was very anxious. "Feening," I think they call it. Walking from room to room.

And checking her cell phone constantly.

She excused herself a number of times to go to the bathroom.

Unbeknownst to her (yeah, I confess ... .I invaded her privacy ... .proud of it, no ... .but war is war ... .anything goes), after her first visit, I'd placed a tiny digital recorder in admidst a stack of towels.

She was calling one of her "friends," telling him "you know I'd much rather be hanging out with you today, but I couldn't get out of this thing with THESE people. But can you help me out? I'm not having a good day."

Crack.

Begging him. Losing her cool a few times and immediately apologizing (I hardly ever saw that particular behavior). Begging him again.

After retrieving the recorder and listening to what it had captured, I told her I wasn't feeling well, apologized to her mother (dinner had yet to be served) and went home. I found out (by calling her sister that evening under the pretense of asking how dinner was) she left immediately after dinner (with the help of a staged rage--she'd use that crazy stuff to her advantage sometimes to make hasty exits). Refused any rides home and instead walked. This was about 6 pm. The walk home should have taken no more than a half-hour to forty-five minutes.

Around ten-thirty that evening she calls. Says she just got home. And I let her have it. Both barrels.

Told her I knew about her phone calls. Told her I knew why she left early. Told her I knew about other things as well (and I did).

Told her it was over.

She called back. I'd turned the phone machine off. I didn't answer.

She's tried calling since then. Yes, I've listened to a few messages. Her words are just that ... .words.

Any time I feel myself weakening, I listen to that recording.

Snaps me out of it pretty damn quick.

I miss what I thought she was. What I wanted her to be.

But I've come to the realization I don't miss her.

Hell, I don't even LIKE her.
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« Reply #88 on: January 17, 2012, 08:46:03 PM »

The final break I threw him out of my apartment. He was in a rage, I'd even say a semi-psychotic break was occurring where he was projecting and the things he was saying, the look on his face, the weird body movements, almost a blank look on his face, just made me snap and I kicked him out--told him never, never contact me again, not by mail, email or phone.

He within a few hours sent my brother this email containing some pretty big lies, and around a 20 hours later sent me the most awful email filled with the most vile things, especially considering it came from someone who was so "madly in love" with me.

For two weeks I had a ball. Hardly even thought of him. By the end of two weeks, he had moved on and was already "sharing a life" with someone new, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)--someone he lined up while he was with me, sensing me growing short on patience with him. I had reached out to him after two weeks, but by then, he was gone.

So, I don't know who left whom. I suppose I did, but then backed down a wee bit, and by then he had moved on.

Our split was as confusing and vague as our entire r/s.

M

Mine happened EXACTLY the same way except for the emails.  I felt dumped,  but I think maybe it was me... .

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« Reply #89 on: January 17, 2012, 09:03:46 PM »

I left, ended it, used the police to get my remaining items out of her condo.  She was a mess, crying, she called a neighbor/friend out who lived in the same complex who was trying to get me a job.  She called my friends and emailed them as well.  

We were in the "trying to be friends" phase, she wanted to see me once a week and be friends like she is with her ex husband whom she uses.  I couldn't take her accusations of finding someone new etc. and decided NC was the way to go.

And I agree with every recycle the ups and downs get steeper and steeper.  For me it was partly on my end because I had more and more resentment towards her each time I went back because I started really thinking about all the abuse and the friends I lost, all at my own choice for staying of course.

I miss her and care for her a great deal still.  I just know that by being out of her life I am not enabling or being the distraction that will keep her from hopefully getting help someday.
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« Reply #90 on: January 17, 2012, 09:37:30 PM »

I was the one dumped. Although I felt as though the rug had been completely pulled out from under me, the other side of me thought that his behavior had been so erratic, impulsive, indecisive and inconsistent that nothing would have surprised me. But it's the abrupt manner in which he did it is what left me feeling as though I had been dropped on my head... .devastated that there really was no "discussion". It was just "the end"! Who in their "right mind" just ends things without a discussion or some effort to try to work out any differences that might have been there? That's when I learned about BPD... .It was like one day we were talking about the future and forever and the next day, I wasn't even in his life anymore. It sure does a number on one's heart and soul!
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« Reply #91 on: January 17, 2012, 10:42:16 PM »

We have both "ended it" several times, only to not end it. This time though, it is me.

And this train wreck is in-process! That is, I'm not even bothering to tell her. I have had too many wasted discussions. Seriously, what's the point? I decided a few days before the New Year. She senses something, and I have started to see some strange behavior from her. Behavior that will likely get stranger. I no longer contact her or ask her out or call her "sweet" names. And now this person, who stopped being proactive, long ago, is trying to be proactive. A last ditch effort to save her "supply." Sorry.

I just can't anymore. Maybe I know too much about BPD now, or maybe I've been so close, so many times, and this is finally it. Or maybe I have finally focused some attention back to me. And what I started to consider, that this wasn't about her, but was maybe about me, is starting to click.

The so-called "Borderline Gift." I see my co-dependent-ness, and I super see her craziness. Not a pretty combo.

My motto: It's 2012: It's time.
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« Reply #92 on: January 17, 2012, 11:51:34 PM »

Well for me it was slightly different. My ex moved to new Orleans from Ohio 11 years ago. In that time she was married twice. Her second marriage she had a little girl and was unable to move back to Ohio with her family. When we got together she worked for the first year then would make excuses as to why she didn't want to work.

So in 3 years she left 4 times. Each time she left she was crawling back within 3 weeks. (the first 3 times she left) I took her back because I loved her and couldn't just leave her to fend for herself. I was c lose with her dad and couldn't bare to tell him I was putting her out.

The last split she took off with another guy days after the split. That was 4 months ago. she mysteriously shows up at a bar I was at last week and asked me to come outside. She then proceeds to tell me she is pregnant and getting married

Great news to me. She is HIS problem now and I can put my head down at night knowing I didn't abandon her. Thank You so much my sick little pigeon. I am free and healing.
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« Reply #93 on: January 18, 2012, 12:06:55 AM »

I ended it by putting him on a bus and sending him to his brother's house about 1700 miles away.  Not exactly what I wanted, but I could no longer handle the accusations and lies.  A week later, he was back in my state, but not with me as I wouldn't let him.  He says that he lived on the street and in wooded areas.  A few times he did have me talked into traveling to where he said he was... .by saying he was sick/hungry/suicidal.  He was no where to be seen and wouldn't answer texts or calls.  Later, he would say that he couldn't face me.  He says that he got help thru a church and some people helped him find work and gave him a place to stay.  Who knows the truth. I have only seen him once for about 15 minutes since April of last year.  You would think I would be over it by now... .I am getting better, but... .

Yes I miss the man I fell in love with... .he is lost in there somewhere... .but the illness has a much stronger hold on him than I ever did.  I actually spoke with his ex wife trying to make sense of things.  She told me he wasn't always like he is now, that it happened after they had been married about ten years and gradually got worse. I guess all that has alot to do with my guilty feelings that I am just another person to let him down... .I can't change him, can't fix him... .I can only change me and work on fixing me... .

And to do that I had to let go... .
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« Reply #94 on: January 18, 2012, 12:15:21 AM »

The funny thing is my ex was totally different when we first met. I was actually friends with her for about 4 months before we dated. Then I dated her for another 4 months. I blew her off because I didn't want to get tied down. Then about 6 months later we hooked up for 3 years. just the last year she started showing signs that something was wrong and all hell broke loose. She is like a totally different person now. She has no friends anymore and hooked up with a guy she just met and moved in with him.

About 2 months after she hooked up with him they split up for a couple of weeks. Now they been together about 3 months and she told me last week she was getting married and pregnant. Strange behavior

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« Reply #95 on: January 18, 2012, 12:17:53 AM »

Try getting dumped and them hooking up 4 days later with the new person after 3 years. I feel your pain,
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« Reply #96 on: January 18, 2012, 01:02:14 AM »

It's hard to believe that someone who supposedly "loved me" so much would be so absolutely cruel to abandon me and the r/s in the manner in which he did... .I really don't understand how someone does that.

My guess would be by never really being "there" in the first place.
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« Reply #97 on: January 18, 2012, 05:34:10 PM »

It's hard to believe that someone who supposedly "loved me" so much would be so absolutely cruel to abandon me and the r/s in the manner in which he did... .I really don't understand how someone does that.

My guess would be by never really being "there" in the first place.

Unfortunately you may be right about that... .and that is the hard part to wrap my head around. It is another reason to remember that actions speak louder than words. I clung to the words he said and wrote to me as well as the experience from the honeymoon phase. What allowed me to really "believe" that the r/s was something other than what it was, were his words. But he obviously did not speak his truth.
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« Reply #98 on: January 18, 2012, 05:44:37 PM »

I to am guilty of the BELIEVING THE WORDS. Everytime I was recycled (3) i believed it hook line and sinker. I missed you. I love you. I don't want to be with anyone else. There were times I looked at the situation and said to myself. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. good point.
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« Reply #99 on: January 18, 2012, 06:34:08 PM »

I was dumped via legal system, like the guy before me. After the amount of break ups she initiated for insane reasons, I started to detach and live again. I went to a female friends house one night after work and had a few drinks, nothing happened and I would not be with someone while emotionally raw but she had broken up with me the week before and had done all sorts of similar things. When I told her I had a few drinks and stayed until late in the evening, she hung up and told me she had to have a shower. Boy did she come running. She barked instructions for me to come over that evening and seduced me, even kissing like she meant it for a change. I've since learned a lot about BPD which has helped ease the pain of how everything just came to a screeching halt. What is it about these people and competition? They do live on the edge. I've been gone almost two years, she must really be hot for me now. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #100 on: January 18, 2012, 07:25:07 PM »

My waif exBPD finance finished with me overnight 2.5months ago, after saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me the day before. Still in fb book contact as 'friends' (i know I should really go NC) still bump into her on nights out in the small town we live in and everytime I see her she looks miserable as sin even though she cant seem to keep her legs closed after too much alcohol & is possibly dating other victims though hasnt admitted it to me yet, may be to keep me hanging on a bit longer, what thinks?. I would rather know.

She always says something that pulls me back in then pushes me away again everytime I say what I think is my final goodbye.

Hardest bit is not once have a heard her say 'I dont want to be with you' for herself and always says someone else in her family says 'its time for us to move on'. Or says 'she doesnt deserve me' makes me feel like if she could just speak for herself she may say otherwise, thats the nature of a BPD waif though I suppose cant possibly decide for themselves what they want. She even said once 'in her heart she wants to be with me but she has to please others!' Sad.  

She always looks so down or has a sob story, made up to reel me back in like she blatantly made up that she had a miscarriage the other day (poss mine) or just wants to drink herself into oblivion she always plays the heartstrings and pulls me back, I know I have to be strong. Easier said than done sometimes, things are slowly getting better for me though, the forum helps a lot. 
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« Reply #101 on: January 18, 2012, 07:47:06 PM »

I think we'd all rather know. Will we? Not so much. I think she is keeping her options open for that rainy day. Mine has totally forgotten me. For all I put into it, she left and haven't heard of her since. Mine was waif like also. Wants to please her parents despite the love/hate she has for them, and others. Stay strong. I'm finding it hard also. Would have been nice to at least find out the she and the milkman ran off together. At least I know who is mentoring my kid.
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« Reply #102 on: January 18, 2012, 09:06:22 PM »

I was replaced faster than you can blink. As if we never ever had a relationship. Presently in LC with exh because there are things we have to separate. I do not know if the new host has even been replaced by another or if he is still with that one nor do I care to put myself in the position of finding out.  Alot of emotions to deal with and I have to keep reminding myself that this is part of the illness and just accept it for what it is.  
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« Reply #103 on: January 19, 2012, 02:38:03 AM »

Hi guys

off topic, we should have xSO sign for next to topics.

On topic:

I left... .After being told over 20 times that I should take my stuff and leave. The final week we spend every day arguing. I came home, not knowing what to expect and on the final evening, I came home, sat down, had dinner and wanted to start some small talk.

My first (and nearly last) regular phrase was "How was work for you today?" The response I got was "Why do you ask, you do not care... .You do not care about me at all... Why are you still here?"... .Ended up into another heated fight... .Again came the "then move out part". I phoned my mom (she knew about the situation, as I felt ashamed to tell my friends*). I was outside. The downstairs toilet was also outside. I stood next to the door as she came bashing out. The had to go to the toilet. As she threw open the door, it hit me. I pushed it back. This happen about 5 times, each time harder... .Until the point I put my foot in it. Next she is walking out the front door, shouting on the street "It is not even safe in my own house, I want you out by the time I am back"... .She started her car.

I found about 20 times with no reponse. My idea was, she is going to her parent/grandparents and she really wanted me to go. So I started packing. Called some friends to help me. By the time she came back (2 hours later), everything was arranged... .Little sidenote: I ask the neighbour if we could park on his spot the next day. He started talking about his own divorce. He asked what happened and I just stated he should as her (I knew I was never going back there, so why paint her black).

The moment she came back, she saw me standing. By no means I could explain her that I did not gossip or paint her black. Next she started taking bags and throws my stuff in. We did not sleep next to eachother that night. I woke up, wanted to talk to her but by no means I could reason with her. So I moved. Tears in my eyes, heartbroken and lost... .

Do not know who left who actually. She claims I left and abandonned her. I told her that me moving out did not mean the end of the r/s. No point in trying to explain. It was all black... .

Sometimes I wish I did not leave. But maybe I would have ended with the cops then... .Guess we will never know.

CC2




*I was living with someone before I met my uBPDexGF and they were all like, is this not too fast and are you sure, so I heavily stressed out on, "No, this is it, I'll marry this one, watch me"
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« Reply #104 on: January 19, 2012, 05:01:31 AM »

I left. I saw my own health deteriorating. I brushed my teeth and my gums would bleed. I wouldn't eat/get hungry. I'd get faint. The stress was just too much. Thankfully, without knowing about BPD (and having been systematically cut off from my friends and family) I still knew that the only time I was getting the truth (or actions matching words) was during the rages.

I wasn't functioning at work in the final week/days. I knew that staying would cost me my job, and I would break down. The exwBPD response: "I'll love you anyway".

So I went to a T. I planned it. I prepared for it properly. I felt awful for doing it like that, but I'd been told that if I didn't, it would carry on like an open wound. And it's the truth. You cannot heal an open wound when the knife is still sticking in it.

Every single avenue of contact was used to get to me. I slipped NC a few times, and I did again just today. I need to condition myself to come here when I feel like breaking it again, or to call a friend. I have some friends who truly do understand now that I've shown them some of the articles here.

On the "How a BPD relationship develops" article, my best friend said "It's like you wrote that yourself, word for word". I suspect she's lost both points of her triangle at the moment. Seeing me on a dating site has probably painted me black.

The next move I think will be hooking one or several new men, men just after sex. And she is incredibly physically attractive. She'll have no problem finding new hosts. Probably that will be thrown in my face (I'm more attractive than you).

We'll see :-) But leaving WAS the right thing to do. Inevitably it would only have ended up with her leaving me. My world had gotten so damn small - whereas before it was huge. I went to work, and came home. I spent every second aside from work with her.

Now, the world is big again. I'm finding my place back in it. In 2.5 short months my world became about one thing - her.
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« Reply #105 on: January 19, 2012, 06:51:52 AM »

Well it was kinda funny.

She had crossed a few of my boundaries that evening and so in my head I had got to a point where I wanted it to end. She then flew off into an angry rage about all my supposed faults.

I stopped her and just calmly said "that's it, I'm done. You need to leave"

It was then as if she hadn't heard me and she continued to work herself into a lather, reiterating how angry she was regarding my plethora of faults, and finally ending the diatribe with "I have a fantasy of you, I can't be with the reality"

She wanted a hug and was crying as I kicked her out of my apartment. So I'm pretty sure she thinks she ended it, but tbh I don't really give a crap. Just glad it is over!
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« Reply #106 on: January 19, 2012, 07:45:17 AM »

I think its very hard to say exactly which category applies to you since so many factors are involved.

In my case she said hurtful things that made we leave the morning after without saying anything (i was an idiot for triggering her abandonment fear, but did well in trying to maintain a boundary when she said those things).

After that she wanted to break up while i thought that we could just talk about it and reconcile.

So i guess i first left her because she forced it and then she left me because i forced it, but again its very difficult to say.
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« Reply #107 on: January 19, 2012, 09:33:48 AM »

In seven yrs together, I must have left or broken up  around 20 times.  Ive moved out of our apts at least 6 times.  It gets so bad that i just have to leave to save myself.  But we always end up back together.  I didnt realize i was in a dance until a couple years ago.  Its a vicious cycle.  She broke up with me this last time because she thought i was lieing about recieving a check in the mail, which i didnt.  So this time she ended it.  If she really sticks to it is another question.  Im so used to her coming back, its hard for me to feel safe about moving on
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« Reply #108 on: January 19, 2012, 08:33:19 PM »

It was pretty weird. It was shortly after my birthday, the weekend after so we decided to go lunch together. Almost immediately she started with the projections and criticisms.

I told myself I'd give her three strikes. I'd accept it from her three times.

After the third strike I said "You know, you don't have to say those things to me."

Her: "Say what things?"

Me: "You don't have to criticize me all the time. You could be nice."

She flew into a tirade about how I'm too sensitive and never listen and only think about myself. The usual. After she finally took a breath I just asked:

"Why are we even together?"

Her: (in a huff) "I don't know!"

Me: "Then let's end it."

Her: "Fine."

We chat a bit after that, leave the restaurant and say bye. Funny thing is, at this point I'm upset, but satisfied. Failed relationship, it happens. Oh well. I go home, start watching a movie and, sure enough, a couple hours later I get an email saying she misses me and asks if I wanna try again. We start talking about it, she starts projecting her worries again, we fight and I break it off again, saying some pretty harsh things. This time I'm angry, but sure I did the right thing by ending it. I send her a long email about things I wanted to talk to her about but never got the chance to. It's most pretty harsh. Not mean, but very frank.

I figure that's it. She'll probably ignore it, maybe lash back out. I didn't care. I felt closure, I was done.

She writes back the next morning, apologizing, telling me she missed me and was sorry, everything was her fault. I'm touched. I thought she turned over a new leaf. We talk again about getting back together. I say I'll think about it. We agree to meet next Sunday to talk.

That very night she changes her mind and wants to be friends. I'm devastated because I was ready to try again. I tell her and she says she'll think about it. Instead, she writes in her diary on mixi (the equivalent of a public note on Facebook) that she wants to break up with me. When I ask her about it, she says she's still thinking.

Sunday comes around, no response. I email her. I ask if she's coming to talk, she says she's with a friend. Is it ok to bring her? I say I wanted to talk in private. She asks how long it will take.

The combination of Wednesday and then this non-chalant attitude shocked me.

I said it depends on whether or not she felt like she wanted to get back together to which she responded: "No. Sorry!"

So who broke up with who? I dunno.
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« Reply #109 on: January 19, 2012, 10:53:06 PM »

I'm finding my place back in it. In 2.5 short months my world became about one thing - her.

it was never about her. It was always about you. She doesn't have the emotional skills to make it about her. You fell in love with what she thought you needed based on your subtle clues. The real her you saw in the end. She is hurt emotionally and is trying to cope. Was it too perfect? I know it was for me. I identify with the bleeding gums... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Why did I want perfect? How important is conflict resolution in relationships? If you can communicate differences with a partner so you both feel comfortable arguing... .How important is that? How can both relationship partners feel good if you can't resolve simple problems. Much to be learned here... .Much indeed.  
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« Reply #110 on: January 19, 2012, 10:54:57 PM »

My answer, "I left BPD (BPD Forced It)."

Without rehashing and writing a novel, I wanted to end things amicably. When I told her I was unhappy and that I didn't want to remain in the relationship, she went into, what I've read is called transitory psychosis.  That unleashed a bunch of chaos, drama, ugliness, lies, theft, suicide attempts, broken furniture, wrist slashing and self injuring behavior for attention.

Her inability to find any happy medium during that time, the lies, the smearing and the fighting the last 2 months I tried to remain on friendly with her into December 2010 forced my permanent No Contact.

It's been a journey to try to find a healthier and happier place, at times I take a step back. However, the  PD traits she left on me are slowly going away.

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« Reply #111 on: January 20, 2012, 12:12:01 PM »

Mine had different twists and turns:

When I started to set healthy boundaries with her, she tried to get two orders of protection against me (both filled with complete projections and lies) and both were dismissed because of no evidence.  Then she filed for divorce, because she wasn't getting me to sucumb with the false OP's.  That was it for me, and we started a year long process with a custody evaluator and guardian (with all sorts of abusive behaviors during this time period).  About 6 months ago, she said she no longer wanted to get divorced and wanted to know if I had hope.  I told her as long as she continues to live in denial of her behaviors and doesn't get help, there is no hope and as they usually do, she couldn't even think about acknoweldging or taking responsibility for her actions and how damaging they have been.

The Custody evaluator finished in December and recommended I have sole custody of our kids and since that time, she has been trying to reconcile, but continues to refuse to acknowledge the truth and is in serious denial. 

The defense mechanisms these disordered people possess is world class.  They would rather lose everything, than acknowledge who they really are.
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« Reply #112 on: January 20, 2012, 10:34:24 PM »

At least your orders were dismissed. The order on me was served and I didn't attend the hearing. She won the first hearing with her ex and he did nothing also. She is one sick puppy. I just ignored her, accepted the order and will ignore her until she leaves this world. Want nothing to do with whatever she is.
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« Reply #113 on: January 21, 2012, 12:43:03 AM »

She left like always

Said she dont love me enough and crap like that code for i got someone else will you please go. like the 3rd or 4th split in like alittle over a year just gets old all lies no truth would love to be civil but for the most part she ignores me so i wont txt her again no point. Sick of being the back up guy so im not going to let her pull me in to help cheat on another guy again

just dumb madness no point to any of it just pain and more bodys in her wake. Just sad casue she has no idea how much of a whore she is making her self out to be. Hard to want to have sex with her cause i really dont know who she has been with.
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« Reply #114 on: January 21, 2012, 01:22:48 AM »

I was the one dumped. Although I felt as though the rug had been completely pulled out from under me, the other side of me thought that his behavior had been so erratic, impulsive, indecisive and inconsistent that nothing would have surprised me. But it's the abrupt manner in which he did it is what left me feeling as though I had been dropped on my head... .devastated that there really was no "discussion". It was just "the end"! Who in their "right mind" just ends things without a discussion or some effort to try to work out any differences that might have been there? That's when I learned about BPD... .It was like one day we were talking about the future and forever and the next day, I wasn't even in his life anymore. It sure does a number on one's heart and soul!

Yeah, mine was like this too!  Except we were going to separate for a year and each get help. He moved out Nov. 1st and two weeks later asked for a divorce... .which he hasn't done anything about. (I told him he would have to pay for it). He is coming tomorrow to get the rest of his items out of the garage. Probably taking it to his "weed" friends house. His only friend.
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« Reply #115 on: January 22, 2012, 02:09:37 PM »

it was never about her. It was always about you. She doesn't have the emotional skills to make it about her. You fell in love with what she thought you needed based on your subtle clues.

Understanding this, radically accepting this, is key to us moving on.

The person, their physical presence, is relatively easy to remove from our lives.

Our idea of that person ... .not so much. It tends to persist.

Replace the fantasy with the reality.

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« Reply #116 on: May 02, 2012, 11:59:55 PM »

My ex BPD and I were on again off again for 5 years. The last off again she got pregnant within 3 months of our breaking up. I loved her so much I decided to remain "best friends"(I am a woman to clarify) as we had always been as much as it tore me up inside. Even though she was having someone else's baby I allowed her to maintain control of me. I had tried to stop communicating with her twice before but I never had the strength to stay away. Her baby daddy and I became friends when she started treating him like she had treating me. In a way we bonded and I thought we were "friends". Well a particular time she was being extremely hateful I went out and got pretty drunk and the baby daddy drove me home and we had sex.(they were broken up at the time) I never intended this to happen as I am not attracted to him.

To summarize he decided 4 days later he "had" to tell her even though I wished to not tell her b/c even though she was a spiteful hurtful person i didn't want to hurt her. But her knowing gave me an out. I felt that it was the most unforgivable "friend" code to break and she could never forgive me. From that day we only contacted to return her things to her that I had. Despite what I had done she went from hurt, to asking for me to be her friend again to hateful. It was very difficult to not contact her but it has been 10 months now and we haven't talked.

As a side note, she was my first love and who I lost my woman "virginity" too. He (the baby daddy) also lost his virginity to her. And in all those years with her off and on again I had never slept anyone else including men though I am bisexual. He was in a sense my second "first." A fact known to him and he was sober at the time of the sex. I was sloshed... .so yea
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« Reply #117 on: May 03, 2012, 12:02:45 AM »

I ended it when I couldn't handle the awful bickering that our relationship had become

I tried to stay friends, but that's when he flipped it and ended the friendship.

Gave me silent treatment and that hasn't stopped. Painted me black and bailed.

BB12
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« Reply #118 on: May 03, 2012, 02:04:24 AM »

She told me that i am significant in her life while she was spending night with her bf. She wanted to move in with me. I ended it the day after having her bf CC'd to closure Email. That was the end of it after 6 unsuccessful past closures.
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« Reply #119 on: May 03, 2012, 02:59:19 AM »

Round One: he ended it out of the blue in the middle of apparent honeymoon bliss.

Round Two: I rejected a low-grade sort of R/S he offered me & we sort of agreed not to see each other ... .while he was working with a therapist on what the hell happens to him in intimate relationships.  I thought.  Instead, he immediate reconnected with & started pursuing his ex-gf.  I ended all contact then.  So for Round Two, I would say it was mutual with a betrayal twist Smiling (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #120 on: May 03, 2012, 06:15:48 PM »

BB12, Faithfull, and P&C

I'm realizing the "normal" way, or healthy, way a relationship ends seems to be a difficult thing to get in one of these relationships.

The recycling, the quasi-open doors are left open, and it's emotionally exhausting.

Reading all three of your comments each one of you identified what wasn't working for you.  You attempted to reconcile it, but the person wasn't willing.  You looking for a healthier way of interacting is a positive.

It sounds like you tried for healthy boundaries... .that is a good thing.

-GM

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« Reply #121 on: May 03, 2012, 06:22:58 PM »

Well put GreenMango. The projection I got from my ex was "I should have ended this ages ago." Made sense to me.
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« Reply #122 on: May 03, 2012, 07:03:54 PM »

It was my decision, I asked him to move out, but only after learning he had been cheating on me with two different women.  He was with one and when she didn't fit in his box, then she was painted black, same as the other and then me of coarse.  I realized thru time only been (4 months) that I am worth more than all this and I summoned up some courage from somewhere in my soul that I will not be treated less than I am.  So... .I asked him to move out, my decision, but felt I had no other choice.  I won't be second best or third best.  I desire a partner in which it's give and take, and no one is perfect.  What hurt the most I think is the silent treatment, in which I could never figure out "what I did"... .only thru this website and the support of a couple friends have i figured it out.  It's not about me, it was about dating a person with undiagnosed BPD.  He is now dating one of the girls he cheated one me with and I pray for her.
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« Reply #123 on: May 03, 2012, 07:07:27 PM »

I I realized thru time only been (4 months) that I am worth more than all this and I summoned up some courage from somewhere in my soul that I will not be treated less than I am. 

Sounds like you faced some fears... .that is courageous.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

-GM
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« Reply #124 on: May 03, 2012, 07:13:09 PM »

Fondness makes the heart grow absent for these people. You're right, it's not about you or me or anybody, just them. You made a great point about how if someone didn't fit into his/her box, they'd be painted black. That's how it was for me.

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« Reply #125 on: August 07, 2012, 09:54:14 PM »

Mine hacked into my iphone while I was asleep, accessed all my facebook conversations going back to way before we met, took screen prints of conversations and sent them to herself (nothing incriminating, just worked up over the fact that i still converse with my ex's), accessed my emails (forwarding certain ones to herself), jotted down phone numbers, etc.  She slammed the door to make sure I would awake to see her storm off back to her home town at 6 in the morning.

Later that evening in an angry drunken stupor, she contacted my ex's and friends via text, phone calls, and fb im's to tell them how bad of a boyfriend I was, what a loser i was and how i was envious of them.

This all happened this past wknd.  I'm just starting to get the fallout.  I believe I have had enough.
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« Reply #126 on: August 07, 2012, 10:10:49 PM »

Dear lord I wish there was an easy answer here. Which time are we talking about? The very last time, we got in an argument on the phone about my helping her out (or not helping enough from her perspective), I really just lost all patience with the situation, and said "Okay, so we are over now, right?" She responded with "Yeah I guess we are." Does that count as me leaving her, or her leaving me? Or is that considered mutual? Seriously, if someone could actually explain to me what happened it would be appreciated.
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« Reply #127 on: August 07, 2012, 10:27:04 PM »

Basically, as I only recently found out, she had major panic attacks after our wedding shower. But it ended in the usual fashion, a weird break-up, just kind of trailing into absolute nothingness. This after me practically adopting her baby daughter as  my own, and her family practically adopting me. Spending months planning and paying for a wedding. Then... .poof! But could have ended up worse... .as in we could have married and divorced. I just don't see the girl as remotely healthy. I know that now.
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« Reply #128 on: August 08, 2012, 12:16:13 AM »

I really just lost all patience with the situation, and said "Okay, so we are over now, right?" She responded with "Yeah I guess we are." Does that count as me leaving her, or her leaving me? Or is that considered mutual? Seriously, if someone could actually explain to me what happened it would be appreciated.

I often ask myself this same question.   I figured the BPD was my answer and the disorder ended it.  Ive come to accept there are few answers to this stuff.
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« Reply #129 on: August 08, 2012, 03:53:11 AM »

Very very badly.

If you disagree, just wait and see.
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« Reply #130 on: August 08, 2012, 09:01:48 AM »

I came home one night to find her in the house drinking with the replacement sitting next to her with my kids in their beds.  I knew that she had been seeing someone and already had a meeting with a PI and Lawyer set up for the next day.  She had already had my children around him saying to them that he was their "cousin".  She left with him that night and has been living with him since, only to come home and babysit the kids while I'm at work.

T.  Moore   
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« Reply #131 on: August 08, 2012, 02:56:38 PM »

Mine SAYS I called him on his birthday while I was out of town working, ended it to be with someone I'd met where I was, made him promise to take care of everything/keep it a secret til I got back to tell everyone myself, met the girl of his dreams a week later at a party, and, when things didn't work out for me the way I wanted, I lied/told everyone HE':) been having an affair just get sympathy/make him look bad.

That he couldn't bring himself to even want to TRY to talk to me about the possibility of reconciling after what I':) done - and that he'd be moving out to be with someone who "really" loved him before I could get back and torture/abuse/guilt him into staying again.

Translation: I f**ked around on you while you were out of town, lied about it, got caught, and can't/don't want to take responsibility for my actions so I'm leaving, blaming you, and am going to throw myself so hard into this totally meaningless physical relationship I've started with a homeless, long-term alcoholic that I won't have any time, interest, or energy to think about you, our kids, the relationship/life we shared for the last 12 years EVER ... .

(well, at least until the alcoholic decides she doesn't want me, disappears with someone else for a week, throws me out in the middle of the night, falsely accuses me of domestic violence/gets me hauled off by the police, I need money/sex/sympathy/comfort/support, etc., etc., etc. ... .LOL!)
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« Reply #132 on: August 09, 2012, 08:50:56 PM »

I just don't see the girl as remotely healthy. I know that now.

You really accept that when you quit going back to your ex for answers. When you accept they are ill and you have no control of their illness. The emotional connection dies down and you get control of your life again. You are on the right path. Keep going.

OTH
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« Reply #133 on: August 09, 2012, 09:35:27 PM »

My uBPD ex gf of 3 years left me after I left her for cheating on me... .I basically got back with her after a month of her best attempts to get me back after the cheating thing... .I knew at this point I could no longer have a real relationship with her but I wanted to "ween her off" me so to speak... .basically giving her hints that we werent right together anymore, we wanted different things... .we both changed ... and eventually we got into another argument and low and behold it was all she wrote facebook she is single and I am a free man... .Smiling (click to insert in post) Happiest day of my life... .can you say born again  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #134 on: August 10, 2012, 07:27:12 PM »

After too abusive raging outburst from her in in one week. I just said I am done and told her she had to go I bought her a plane ticket and she went back to her family. She left in 2 days and it took 4 additional months to get her stuff out of my home. After 7 weeks of requests to her as to how to get her things to her via e-mail and contact with a family member of hers. I packed it up and paid two months of storage for her and moved it all myself. She is with family many miles away.

In addition she refused to pay the 3rd months storage fees and I contacted a family member of hers and they arranged for the payment to be made as I would not pay any additional money for her

  I have had no phone contact with her I informed her from the start that if there was any nasty behavior I would cut off all ties including e-mail  which I did after several toxic phone messages and e-mails. She is calling my friends with distortions of the truth and trying to create problems for me. However I have maintained no contact even though I been so hurt from all of this and I am somewhat angry at her as well. I know she is just trying to get attention good or bad. I did not understand how that worked before. It is tough for me because her nice side is so wonderful but I know to be with her the pattern would go right back to about every 2 weeks her abusive raging at me and with her denying she has a problem and thus her not getting any help through therapy.There was no chance for a future with her. Just more pain!

Personally I have done 3 months of therapy since she has left and slowly my life is getting back to normal and I have learned a lot about taking better care of myself in the future. To describe my overall experience from this is I felt like I was being Emotionally Raped!   I can not stress enough how important the no contact rule has helped me!
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« Reply #135 on: August 10, 2012, 11:16:32 PM »

You're right, OTH. I'm getting there. The journey is different for all of us, it's mostly a matter of time. I see it more or a less as a VERY INTENSE lesson and wake-up call. A blessing in disguise. Thankfully there's always more future than there is past.
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« Reply #136 on: August 11, 2012, 05:04:33 AM »

I left my BPDGF of 17 years on valentines day. I invited her to dinner, and she could hardly be bothered to finish eating before she left. I knew she had already met someone. When she left, I gave her hug and watched her go. She had no idea that I would never see her again. I have been no contact for 18 months. She moved in with new guy within a month. Like 17 years meant nothing ... .
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« Reply #137 on: August 14, 2012, 11:33:00 AM »

my ex BPD bf just sort of disappeared into the arms of another woman that hes been seeing since last year.

I feel so dumb. why did I not see the signs. Just before he disappeared he was declaring how much he loved me, my heart was safe with him etc.   He had been very controlling towards the end, sort of "passive aggressive" in the bedroom department.  he refused to be intimate with me.  The lack of physical intimacey and affection during the last 9 months left my confidence totally shattered.

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« Reply #138 on: August 14, 2012, 01:01:27 PM »

My uexBPDgf left me after two arguments over the phone over the course of a week of not seeing each other. We were looking at places to live on Saturday, Monday we argued over the phone but made up. She told me she loved me in every possible way and that we were the loves of one another's lives... .the next day she drove to me after work and dumped me. She might as well have died, because the person I loved, my best friend, was suddenly gone. Loves of one another's lives tripped up over two silly non-arguments over the phone.
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« Reply #139 on: August 14, 2012, 03:53:09 PM »

Wondering how you left your BPD partners... or how did it end? What was "the last straw"... what finally made you realize now is the time to go? How did the breakup go?
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« Reply #140 on: August 14, 2012, 04:37:03 PM »

My pwBPD told me he wasn't ready for a relationship by phone message, after months of spending 24/7 together since day one, a long trip abroad together, and a month of detaching from me claiming he was in a deep depression. One month of honeymoon phase, one month of rage/anger/blame/depression/ confusion, one month of detachment/silence/ambiguity, and now its been a few weeks of him telling me   he cares for me, but can't be in a relationship right now and is moving far away soon. I've been NC now for 6 days... .sounds like nothing, but a month ago, that would have felt like a dagger in my chest. It hurts, but I'm glad he ended it so I can work on myself now and understand why the hell I would let someone treat me like that! Every day I'm starting to see more and more bad things about him that make me happy I'm out of that toxic cycle.
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« Reply #141 on: August 14, 2012, 06:05:10 PM »

Well, at some point I knew I would not survive another recycle. I was with a serial cheater. He ran off with another woman while my mother was dying and that was the last straw. A month later he wanted me back and I reminded him when he was running off with the woman that I would not take him back next time. I guess he didn't believe me. He made a few attempts to reach me--the last one in May of this year. I did not respond to them. Once I decided that my mental health and well-being was my first order of business and that he was not going to change or accept responsibility, that was it. This is not to say it was easy. I spent months crying, but at this point I can't tell you how relieved I am to be out of that relationship.

What is on your mind? What is your last straw?

Diotima
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« Reply #142 on: August 14, 2012, 06:41:20 PM »

My uBPDw Filed for divorce after 3 counseling sessions, said you could do everything right in our relationship and I still wouldnt trust you. We reconciled 3 yrs ago after a 5 month separation. I asked her about the reconciliation and she said " I meant the feelings then, not now" We would have been married 21 yrs Aug 31 2012. It's extremely painful, but realizing I'm going to be much healthier from here on out.
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« Reply #143 on: August 15, 2012, 08:57:52 AM »

I must admit I was a little surprised to see the results so far. Simply from reading of the boards I had actually thought I was in a minority of people who's relationship had ended entirely at the decision of their pwBPD. Genuinely didn't expect to see it was the most common outcome, and by a significant margin. But in hindsight, when I think about how many of us still struggle with strong feelings for our exs long afterwards, I shouldn't really be surprised that in many cases we don't cut the cord ourselves.

In my own specific case, if when my ex had told me of the cheating and lies she had been remorseful and tearful instead of cold and emotionless, I probably still wouldn't have ended it. She could have done almost anything. If she wanted forgiveness afterwards and wanted to rescue our relationship, I would have still facilitated that.

I guess this poll will end up saying as much about us nons as it does about our pwBPD.
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« Reply #144 on: October 07, 2012, 04:06:49 AM »

My exBPDbf ended things in a voicemail after a month of distance saying he was confused about life coming back from a month trip abroad we took together where his raging and manic depressive modes really came out. He never explained to me what happened. He just said he wasn't ready for a r/s even though we were alrEady in one and spent every single day together for 3 months straight... .I threatened to leave a few times when he started raging, but I never did and told him I loved him and would support him through his illness.
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« Reply #145 on: October 07, 2012, 05:11:01 AM »

We recycled the relationship numerous times. Each time I thought it wanted it to be over, only to be sucked back in. The bad times had always been directed at me. But this last time, and I do mean LAST. He directed the venom at my children (S10, D11) The criticism was unjustified and damaging. It had to stop. When I told him it was over he made the mistake of getting physical with my D18. I saw the look of terror in her eyes and that was it! No more! I could not let her come to the conclusion that this was normal. Btw they were NOT his children, thankfully we did not have any. We were together 3 years, married for 1. He is gone now and I pray he stays gone. If he shows up there is now a warrant for him and I WILL call the police to enforce it. I pray he never does.
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« Reply #146 on: March 30, 2013, 01:44:44 PM »

Was together with my ex BPD for just over 2 years.  My ex was having emotional affairs and I confirmed via phone records that it was going on.  He denied the affairs even with evidence.  Plus, he was being verbally abusive towards my child at the end and that was truly the wake up call along with the affairs.

He seemed to justify his affairs and twisted the truth to all his friends to make me look like the bad guy.  Whatever chance we had of getting back together was lost at that point.  Plus, I finally got online and discovered that BPD was the culprit and there was no hope esp. since he would be in denial that he even has a problem.   

He did "apologize" at the end and felt that since i didn't accept his apology, this is all "my fault".  If I really believed he felt remorse and could fix his problem, I would have taken him back but I think we all know the reality.  Enough already... .
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« Reply #147 on: March 30, 2013, 02:18:49 PM »

Wondering how you left your BPD partners... or how did it end? What was "the last straw"... what finally made you realize now is the time to go? How did the breakup go?

She finished with me - she actually said 'the last straw for her was listing all the things wrong with her' ( self esteem issues etc ), I didnt list them as things wrong at all, just things I understood about her, but obviously she took it as an attack - any excuse from her to start an argument and she would go into it head first
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« Reply #148 on: May 01, 2013, 10:39:25 AM »

Hello,

I had a three year relationship with an NPD that ended with me moving out of her house 7 weeks ago but I must say that while I am confused about many things I have been recently thinking about who left whom. 

Some background: The exGF has diagnosed NPD/BPD and the honeymoon period was fairly long (2.5 years, and just as with many of you, this period was the best relationship I have ever had... .  and I'm in my 50's!).  The devaluation started and I heard the "I'm broken" "I have no feelings" "I can't feel anything" phrases multiple times.  She was not terribly mean but was clearly withdrawing even as we went on trips and could have considerable fun together.  Around November she said that she "needed time to reflect" and we went to a couples therapist (one that she had seen previously with her exH-I set it up).  At that meeting she was doing all kinds of projecting and acting but luckily the therapist (who I have been going to subsequently) knew her and recognized these behaviors.  We agreed to have limited contact which was quite difficult for me.  We did meet for dinner several times and went on a trip together as "friends" and subsequently got back together just before Christmas.  Christmas/New Years was outstanding and we agreed that I would formally move into her place.  I moved in and things were great for about a month and then started to go downhill again.  Less phone calls and texts during the day, less interaction in the evening.  I asked her several times if she loved me and got no response.  Then I would ask if she liked me, then if she was repulsed by me.  All met with no response.  Finally, there was a change (some family members who had been staying with us for 2 months left) and she told me that I deserved better.  I had planned a couples therapy session for the next week but she texted me that I should probably just take what I clothes I needed for the weekend and stay at my house and that she would see me at the therapy session the next week.  I decided while in my bed that night that I should move out.  The next day I got help from some friends with trucks and moved everything out of her house.  I left a note saying that I cancelled the therapy session.  I subsequently texted her and then emailed her twice.  She has never responded to either texts or emails.  My final email was about a month ago and was a kind of goodbye/therapy letter for me.  So, she has been no contact with me since I moved out and my sense was that she was going to ask me to leave in the comfort of the therapy session, but I left first. 

The question:  Just like many who require a long time to understand what happened in their relationship with an NPD/BPD partner I am trying to come to grips with this horrendous end to a relationship that I thought was to be my last.  I am older, as is she, and I never thought someone our age would be stuck in emotional childhood.  I have been very lucky- I have never had a relationship end and not been friends with an ex-partner but this is dramatically different.  No contact, no post mortem, nothing to allow closure.  Does it matter who left who?  I'm not sure it is helping me to think that I left her (intellectually I may say that I got out for my sanity but I also may say that I abandoned someone I loved).  Does it help the NPD/BPD suffering person?   
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« Reply #149 on: May 01, 2013, 10:55:00 AM »

I feel for you, since im in the same boat. Im not sure that it really matters who leaves who. I know the one time I left my exBPDgf it sent her into fits. She was despaerate to get me back. Since that was the norm and I gues that time I didnt play the way I supposed. The game went, she was start with drawing, i started clinging, she pushed harder, i chased harder, she would break up and say she couldnt do it anymore. 3 weeks later she would start contact and then we start all over. The one time I did the breaking up it sent her into orbit. Never saw her act that way. This time she did teh breaking up and I went NC. since then about every 3 weeks, she shows up at my work where I have to see her, or I get a random text from her. Last contact was about 3 days ago I get a random tetx wishing me well. I didnt respond. Havent heard from her since. I heard all teh things of " Im broken and you cant fix me" or " you dervee better then me" but I cant say it really matters who leaves who.
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« Reply #150 on: May 01, 2013, 11:48:14 AM »

Abite,

Every woman I've ever been in relationship with we've always parted as friends too.  My exBPDgf though not even close.  It's such a sad disorder when I found out last week what BPD was I went from feeling angry at her to simple pity for her.
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« Reply #151 on: January 04, 2014, 09:06:36 PM »

Interesting results. I would have thought the BPD leaving would be higher based on stories from recent members.
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« Reply #152 on: January 04, 2014, 09:12:58 PM »

i left my expwBPD, it was my decision to absolutely stop everything. but reality was she had given up a while time ago and i was fortunate to realize i was being just her side toy. im glad i opened my eyes and got out in time!
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« Reply #153 on: January 04, 2014, 09:30:41 PM »

I guess I'll go with BPD left me (I forced it).

When she left, she begged (according to her) me to come with her... . and she did leave as a reaction to me having her served with custody papers. She insists I broke up with her when I filed against her.

However, she is the one that left.

There's been a lot of finger pointing. My position is that if she wanted us to stay together, it would have happened. So, I'll go with she left me, but I guess I did force it.
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« Reply #154 on: January 04, 2014, 09:33:10 PM »

I left mine. It was by default. I caught her cheating, and told her she was on borrowed time. Her fear of abandonment kicked in, she became very clingy but I could tell she was also frantically trying to find a replacement. I ended it before she got the chance.
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« Reply #155 on: January 04, 2014, 11:14:05 PM »

My exUBPDgf left me both times in both rounds of relationship. 3 times if you count a pseudo discard in friendship stage. Just gone.
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« Reply #156 on: January 04, 2014, 11:39:48 PM »

This is very strange. I don't really know what happened. I mean,she finally left me,but I tried to end it long before she left because I knew it was unhealthy. I cannot believe that she left because she thought it was the healthy thing to do. No. She didn't have much healthy behavior, besides, it was over long before she left. There was a point where I sure didn't care about her at all because it was so unhealthy. Amazing. When she left it was like having open heart surgery without anesthesia. Inconsistent with my reason.  I have a few relationships to compare this to and the pwBPD one is by far the strangest thing I've ever participated in. I don't know which choice to make in the pole.
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« Reply #157 on: January 05, 2014, 03:19:10 AM »

i left of my own volition, however i checked "I left BPD, [BPD forced it]" since i really didn't want the r/s to end; however i trusted my intuition and ended things. i told a friend that "I had to end the r/s. I felt like we were both on a freight train headed for a brick wall and i wanted to stop before i hit that wall." for me, that would have been waiting around for her to devalue me enough to justify cheating. i 'think' i ended it before any cheating happened but who the hell knows when you're dealing with someone capable of lying so much.
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« Reply #158 on: January 05, 2014, 03:57:13 AM »

I left him

After I learned what BPD was, and realised thats what was going on inside his head, his behavior became intolerable, I knew he would not seek help, and even if he did, chances were that my life would be one big long drama after another, with man who didnt love me, he just needed me to fill a gap left by his mum, he couldnt even be bothered sticking to the anger management classes, he freely admitted he went there to socialise and eat the free sandwiches.

During one of his frequent rages one day, something snapped inside me, I knew, I felt it in my body, it was time to go.

That was in august 2013

And here I am.Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #159 on: January 06, 2014, 07:46:30 AM »

When she left it was like having open heart surgery without anesthesia. Inconsistent with my reason.

same. we could have talked it out, but no, she did it the way she's done it before except that of course i thought it wouldn't happen like that with us, we had vows, we were adults, etc.
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« Reply #160 on: November 02, 2014, 02:52:29 PM »

I asked him to move out.  After a 4 yr r/s and 1 yr of marriage.  I had asked him to move out before we actually got married (3 yrs into the r/s) but it was so upsetting that I thought it meant we were to work things out.  We went back to couple counselling.  We got married (eloped).  Things were awesome for a few mths after the wedding.  Then the old problems surfaced.  Jealousy of my kids (from a previous r/s), invading my privacy, reading my fb messages & texts, emails, my journal.  Checking up on me, dropping by work 'unexpectedly'.  Raging and silent treatments over my 'bad behavior'.  Letting me pay for everything while he made excuse after excuse for not getting a job.  Watching me go into deeper and deeper debt.  We actually recycled after we split last February and a month apart.  I once again hoped with counselling we could somehow salvage things.  Two months later I asked him to move out again.  I realised things were not going to change and I needed to save my sanity and that of my children.  I'm 4 1/2 mths out now and have not seen him since.  Been full NC (no emails, texts, etc.) for 2 mths.
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« Reply #161 on: November 02, 2014, 03:14:07 PM »

Amazing #'s that make me feel less rejected and alone.  She left twice, both times after making the decisions based on her scoreboard withi her head.  I didn't see it coming. What's crazy is that I still cry almost every day, missing the good times and not the crazy making difficult ones.  This poll makes me feel less alone, less disposed, less less-than.  Thank you
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« Reply #162 on: November 02, 2014, 03:31:31 PM »

My exBPD suddenly and horribly ended our 3 year r/s. There were red flags and her up and down roller coaster emotions. I did have my gut feelings that something wasn't right. But after 3 years, I kind of got used to it and thought that I was being paranoid. Everything seemed ok from my point of view. Then she quit her job, quit her Zoloft cold turkey, split black her 10+ year friends from her ex job, split black her 17 yo son and kicked him out, started cheating on me, broke up with me, and told me to find a home. Once all of that happened, she totally detached from me and treated me like I didn't exist and like I did something horrible to her.

It took roughly 2 months for me to move out. Those 2 months were the worst time of my life. She would go out to spend the night with new supply and come back the next morning while I sat there and watched her do it. During a rage she told me that I was worthless and a mistake. One time I told her that I forgive her and she said, "I didn't ask you to forgive me". I offered to go to therapy. I offered to do anything to try and work things out with her. She never communicated any major problems that were threatening to the relationship. She wouldn't even talk to me about what happened. Just, "it's over, when are you going to be moved out". I'm doing somewhat better at the present time, but good god. What the heck happened? I'll never know.
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going places
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« Reply #163 on: November 02, 2014, 04:47:00 PM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]    

Aug 2011, he left when I busted him having an affair

He was gone a week. I begged him back... .First in a series of HUGE bad mistakes over 3 years.

BPD left me [I forced it]    

July 2014 I threw him out of the house (divorce final, June 2014)

Mutual decision [overtly communicated]

I told him if he wanted this damn divorce so bad, then we will live like divorced people.

Separate. And he can LEAVE.

Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]    

I long for this day.

I left BPD, [BPD forced it]

I filed for divorce because he intentionally and diabolically made things so bad it was either file or 'eliminate' myself... .yeah, he had me that low. 1 week before it was final, 'we' called it off... .

I left BPD [My decision]

April 2014, after realizing that I was being horribly abused, *I* filed for divorce.

**Not Ended [In NC]    

The divorce is final, but the house has not sold. I am still in the home with the kids, and I still have to communicate with him with issues pertaining about the house. AND THAT IS IT. AND it's on MY terms.

**Not Ended [contact]

See above

... .None Apply to Me    

The above is why I selected "none apply to me" because ALL apply to me!
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going places
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« Reply #164 on: November 02, 2014, 04:49:36 PM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]    

Aug 2011, he left when I busted him having an affair

He was gone a week. I begged him back... .First in a series of HUGE bad mistakes over 3 years.

BPD left me [I forced it]    

July 2014 I threw him out of the house (divorce final, June 2014)

Mutual decision [overtly communicated]

I told him if he wanted this damn divorce so bad, then we will live like divorced people.

Separate. And he can LEAVE.

Mutual decision [just stopped communicating]    

I long for this day.

I left BPD, [BPD forced it]

I filed for divorce because he intentionally and diabolically made things so bad it was either file or 'eliminate' myself... .yeah, he had me that low. 1 week before it was final, 'we' called it off... .

I left BPD [My decision]

April 2014, after realizing that I was being horribly abused, *I* filed for divorce. Again

**Not Ended [In NC]    

The divorce is final, but the house has not sold. I am still in the home with the kids, and I still have to communicate with him with issues pertaining about the house. AND THAT IS IT. AND it's on MY terms.

**Not Ended [contact]

See above

... .None Apply to Me    

The above is why I selected "none apply to me" because ALL apply to me!

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« Reply #165 on: November 02, 2014, 05:09:03 PM »

Mine moved in with me for a total of three days after almost two years of trying to make things work, then got me falsely arrested for assault. She was gone when I got back from being in a prison cell for 24hrs. Haven't heard anything from her since. 
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« Reply #166 on: November 03, 2014, 09:53:22 AM »

As far as the BPDx i crossed paths with go, all her relationshps end by her doing something totally insane. Never a mutual breakup and she's never single for very long.
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« Reply #167 on: November 03, 2014, 12:08:12 PM »

At the end of the 4 year encounter, I ended it. However, during the Rollercoaster ride of recycles, here's how it went:

Oct, 2010 - ex BPDbf left a vm for me that he had a contagious infection and we couldn't see one another for awhile. So, he ended it.

Dec, 2010 - ex BPDbf reconnected and we recycled.

Jan, 2011 - ex BPDbf had knee surgery. Told me he was in pain and sleeping a lot, not to come visit him at the hosp. I went to the hosp. Found another woman sitting on his bedside stroking his arm. He claimed it was an ex who still had feelings. I ended it. Just a few months ago when I unraveled all the lies, I found out he was seeing both of us.

May, 2011 - I reached out to ex BPDbf and "we" recycled and got back together.

March 2012 - ex BPDbf had 2nd knee surgery. Didn't tell me the surgery was scheduled until I was on a business trip and 2,000 miles away. He recovered at his ex wife's house (red flag). Didn't see him for 2-3 months. So I guess he ended it.

May 2012 - ex BPDbf invites me to family wedding, then uninvited me 3 days prior. I finally start to get I'm not important to him, nor a part of his life. Begin researching NPD.

August 2012 - ex BPDbf first rage (he's a waif/hermit) over me wanting us to spend more time together. Silent treatment iniated by ex BPDbf for 2 weeks. Things were never the same after the rage. We saw each other less and less and the push/pull became extreme. We were in limbo.

May 2013 - ex BPDbf's Mother passes away from natural death. I try to be there to support him, but he pushes me away. He goes into depression and I see him once a month.

August 2013 - ex BPD bf's brother in law dies from cancer. Again, I try to support and comfort him, but I am once again pushed away. He goes into a deeper depression and we only text, and don't see each other for several months.

2014 - I finally reach my breaking point. My needs are not being met and when I attempt to talk to him, ex BPDbf is projecting, gas lighting, disappearing, making excuses to cancel plans, telling elaborate stories that don't make sense. I then try to communicate my feelings and needs via email, which is the only way I know how in order to avoid his projection and gas lighting.

May, 2014 - He contacts me, tells me things will be better, I'm the love of his life, we talk about committment, make plans for summer vacations, and we are intimate. After, I find a slip of paper sitting on his coffee table with my name & cell and OW's name & cell. I uncover the lies, deceit, cheating. I end it. He keeps texting I love you, I miss you, he wishes he could reverse what happened (lies & cheating). End of May, I'm laid off from my job.

June, 2014- We meet at a local restaurant and I confront him. He admits to being an alcoholic, addicted to pain killers and not stable, and finally to having borderline personality disorder. I end it, go NC and begin my recovery journey. Lots of Reading, researching, understanding my FOO issues.

Sept 2014 - ex BPDbf contacts me on a dating site I had "just" joined. He sent two messages on the daring site. I blocked him. He shut down his dating Profile one day later. He has continued to email and text me. I responded to a few, but my firm message to him is... ."You are no longer a part of my life. I closed that book and I am moving on to a new chapter in my life."

The OW is still in play, I unblocked and checked his Facebook and she's on his friends list. He's devaluing/discarding and frantically looking for an old or new attachment.

I've known my ex BPDbf for 30 years, we went to high school together and live in the same small town (1/2 mile away). I will always care about him and love him, but, I know I can't be with him. I didn't cause his disorder, I know I can't control or live with it, and I can't cure it. He has to want to get better and seek treatment for himself. I continue to seek the help needed to understand my part and my FOO issues here on the site and via a lot of books. Hopefully when get a job and back to work I'll be able to afford therapy.









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« Reply #168 on: November 12, 2014, 12:45:45 AM »

I ended it on the first occassion, after having a pretty difficult time with other aspects in my life, and having no support from her. It was New Year's Day and there was not even so much as a Happy New Year given to me. She told me she couldn't have a long term relation on account that I smoked (she smoked too but apparently there was an arbitrary limit imposed by her which represented 'too much'. My gut kept trying to tell me something was wrong. She raged at me when I was sick and couldn't come over her house one night. And then raged at me on her birthday that resulted in me leaving her place for my own sanity, and then having her tell me the next day that I had over-reacted.

The second time, I was just tired of her arguments, negative comments, complete lack of any empathy, agressive conversations at me and my friends when she was drunk, making me wait in a restaurant on Valentine's day by myself for half an hour because she was at drinks with her friends and 'had just got another one' followed a few hours later by her screaming at me at the restaurant. The complete absence of any discussion other than 'functional' things, her abandoning me at friends' events, nitpicking at me over silly things like how to empty a cat food packet or how to use a coffee machine. Her drunk Friday nights (and sometimes other nights during the week too). I just got tired of not being able to have any emotional intimacy, or happy conversation or any laughter (she would always 'correct' me when I tried to make silly, exaggerated jokes that clearly were just that). She told me she was coming over one night in 30 minutes, and six hours later I had still heard nothing from her. She turned up to an event with my friends, drunk, and got into aggressive converation with them and then took herself off to bed early. There was never an invitation to visit her family or friends in her hometown. There was never any declaration of love. I was pretty distressed the one occasion when she vomited and defacated in her bed on account of being so drunk. I've never in my life been with someone who got themselves so messy in that way.

So I wrote her an email trying to say I was hurt and upset by some of her behaviours. That I didn't understand and could we try and work on things. I also said I know there are things I need to work on too. She was dismissive of that and ignored my request to talk about it in private, instead, choosing to raise it when we were out in public one morning. Her response basically was that she couldn't change, no one had ever said any of those things before to her, and that I needed to think about whether the relationship was right for me.

So she gave me an ultimatum basically. I had to either accept how she was, or ... .  So I did. I thought healthy people in healthy relationships talk about things. They laugh. They share positiveness and emotional intimacy. They don't say they can't change. They don't give ultimatums.

So I decided that was it and calmly told her the reason I was leaving was because she had given me an ultimatum and I had in fact thought about whether the relationship was right for me, and that it wasn't. I got several texts with the 'be friends' comment. We were in touch for two weeks and then I went no contact for several more. We will see what happens but regardless, I will never return to that relationship nor 'be friends' with someone that can't show me the basics of kindness, love or respect.
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« Reply #169 on: November 12, 2014, 09:52:09 AM »

I'm posting this to help someone deep in a BPD relationship.

How many of us proactively terminated a BPD relationship because it was the healthy thing to do (as opposed to just dealing with the inevitable end).  

How many of us are spurned lovers?  We keep trying to make it work... one more time.

Please share how your relationship actually ended.

First she told me that she no longer feels the same for me.  2 hrs later She told me she was depressed and needed to move out of state.  She told me that she wanted to stand on her own two feet without me always having to save her but wanted to do a LONG DISTANCE relationship.  I was her world and we were going to make it through!  Told me I had her heart and to keep it safe.

Unaware of her being someone whom suffers from BPD, I naturally continued the good fight.  3 weeks into the LDR things took a turn.  She suddenly became distant and hard to reach.  4th week in she again told me that her feelings for me had  changed and she could no longer do an LDR.

Texted me after 5 days NC by spamming with baby pictures of our niece.

Sigh.
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« Reply #170 on: November 12, 2014, 10:10:56 AM »

There was always the sense that the bond was fragile... .and I felt as though, with time and trust that bond would deepen/strengthen. But I couldn't trust him because he was so easily scared off... .and I came to know that when he distanced himself from me... .he was looking to facilitate or recycle another relationship.  He once referred to his ex as "a good foundation" (talk about detached!) ... .?.Now I know he meant a foundation upon which to USE as a "springboard" to spring forward from, to another attachment... .and "fall back on" when the new attachment weakened or failed.  Ultimately... .with me... .he asked for space when He felt I had gotten too close... .reconnected with the ex... .broke off the relationship with me, while facilitating intermittent contact, until I ended the contact.  Sound familiar? :'(
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« Reply #171 on: November 12, 2014, 10:13:52 AM »

We've been on and off for 14 years. Really serious for the last 2 years.

I left after 1,5 years dysfunction, 1 month before the wedding.

I went NC for 4 weeks then he reached out wanting to work at it (again).

We tried, me with new found info on BPD, upheld my boundaries, didnt engage in dysregulations. He dysregulated again over imaginary issues, I accepted the bu.

He tried to get back with me the last day, I said no thank you and went NC again. Now 1,5 month NC again and he's pretending to be happy with the woman he cheated on and said awefull and horrible things about. I'm still a bit of a mess, but slowly getting better.

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« Reply #172 on: December 03, 2014, 11:29:19 AM »

For those of you that are broken up with a person with BPD who ended it? and what was the aha moment for you or last straw, or if they ended it what changed in the relationship that caused them to leave?
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« Reply #173 on: December 03, 2014, 11:46:17 AM »

I ended it. After 8 months with him. He became more and more controlling, and the roller-coaster (black/white) accelerated the last few months. About two weeks ago he had one of his scary outbursts of rage. When I was standing there, again, taking all his hurting accusations, and I didn't dare say anything, when he told me to not say anything, I realized, I knew that I had reached my limit. When he had finished and left without another word, there was no doubt left in my mind. Because I realized that if I stayed and not respected that limit, I would already lose a bit of myself, and then I would gradually lose more and more of myself.

I wrote him a letter 9 days ago, telling him that I did not want this relationship any longer. I also explained how and why I had reached my limit.

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« Reply #174 on: January 14, 2015, 10:39:41 PM »

I and my girlfriend with BPD only saw each for 4 or 5 months, but I think people on this board can understand that it was extremely emotional and chaotic even for that short period of time. Our relationship went through a very fitful period of disengagement, and I have to admit I was mainly responsible for that. It started when I broke up with her over an argument over her texting an emotionally and physically abusive ex in front of me too much, but I genuinely cared for and would always want to come back to try and make it work. To make her happy. By the end of the relationship though, I knew it wouldn't work for a variety of reasons. By that time, she had developed a very skewed perspective of my personality in some ways. A dozen innocuous things I did would drive her crazy. I finally had to break things off once and for all and enforce much stricter boundaries about contact with her. Every time I had been around her after the other breakups, there would be this rekindling of intimacy, emotional connection, and I was seduced by that, and it would make me forget all of the times I felt neglected, emotionally underserved, unfairly attacked.
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« Reply #175 on: January 15, 2015, 12:58:27 AM »

Bpdgf left me after every prior recycle.

This time we mutually decided to break up... .both of us forced it in our own way.
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« Reply #176 on: April 27, 2015, 11:16:40 AM »

She will tell you that she left me but The truth is The last night we were together I found her on her dating site again for probably the 25th time in two years and I had enough. 
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« Reply #177 on: April 27, 2015, 11:25:00 AM »

I had a extinction outburst.  She packed up her stuff and left.  

In my mind, I just couldn't take her behavior at the time (called cops for no reason), so I had an outburst after the cops left. I didn't ask her to leave, I just wanted to set boundaries and calling police with false allegation is in no f**king way acceptable and not acceptable to blackmail me using that.

In her mind (which she shared with me briefly later in an exchange) that I kicked her out and that's why she left. As a matter of fact, she said, it was also her house, no one had the right to ask her to leave. Yet she left.

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« Reply #178 on: April 27, 2015, 08:02:53 PM »

The most recent time I ended it although to be honest there wasn't much to end. She'd gone distant on me and based off past behaviors I belive she was busy grooming a replacement.  I wasn't going to go through that again so I called time. She didn't put up much resistance so I think I was correct in my suspicion.

I'd also grown tired of the disfunction and was wanting to work on my own issues.  I was never going to be able to do that with her around so it was the sensible thing to do.
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« Reply #179 on: April 27, 2015, 08:33:06 PM »

in stages maybe for some, basicly when one of other has had enuff and breaks, and is strong enuff to stay away
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« Reply #180 on: April 27, 2015, 08:54:15 PM »

I didn't go back for a recycle because my children and my family said they would be done with me if I went back again.  That truly is the only reason the relationship truly ended. And even still--it isn't completely ended because... .well... .here I am. Still trying to sort it all out... .
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« Reply #181 on: April 28, 2015, 08:48:34 AM »

spurned lover i guess,  i decided to stop fighting for it the last time she forced me to leave. We both have violent crimes now due to this relationship, not learning how to controll our selfs in a horride sittuation. I took a real hard look at the last 8 years realized the only that was gaind here were 3 kids, which 2 now have bad issues grrrrrr. I wasnt going back to jail or fight anymore   them kids have ben threw hell and idk my own will ever be the same again with anything. Yes it hurts but it had to stop for evryones sake.
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« Reply #182 on: April 28, 2015, 09:43:08 AM »

I was unhappy for several years in the relationship but I didn't want to leave because of my ex's instability - I was fearful for my stepdaughter, who was 15.

Our r/s began to unravel when I found out she had remained in touch with a man she had admitted to an emotional affair with - she said they had met for coffee several times and kissed, but had promised that they had stopped speaking months ago. After finding out that they still regularly communicated, told her I wanted her to move out within two months; but over the next two weeks we started talking again and considered giving it another try.  As we were in the middle of that discussion, she admitted that she had actually had a full blown affair with him.  

At that point, I became completely emotionally dysregulated - I really just fell apart.  She made the decision to move out several weeks later. Although I didn't see it at the time, it was the best decision for the both of us - she was deeply ashamed and, for me, the r/s was irrevocably broken.  I wouldn't have gotten past the affair - or the years of lying.

I am still trying to figure out why I stayed once my stepdaughter went to college.  I think it was in part because I loved her, and in part because she was in therapy and I really thought things would start getting better.  I knew she had mental health issues at that point but hadn't figured out the 'borderline personality disorder' part of it.

Knowing that she had spent her year in therapy continuing to lie to me made me understand that nothing was going to change in the near future - and that I would never be able to bring myself to trust her again.
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« Reply #183 on: April 28, 2015, 11:58:09 AM »

Like most on here, I was painted black, and she just dump me one day, but keep contacting me to devalue me, Until I go NC 7 days ago
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« Reply #184 on: July 22, 2016, 11:33:02 AM »

i wanted to leave for most of the relationship. each of us said "its over" a few hundred times.

in the last few months things became their worst. i had begun to detach, conflicted of course.

almost out of the clear blue, i decided i wanted to clean up my side of the street and reinvest. we were on an upswing. then she became very distant over night. in response i became needy and frightened (this had happened to me before).

we had a fight during which i caught her in a lie. after we calmed down i asked her if shed been thinking about breaking up with me. she said yes. we basically had the breakup talk; i made the case for our relationship, but i knew somewhere inside that this was for the best. i did not beg. i kept my dignity. i let it go.

it wasnt clear to me if things were officially over. a few days past. i signaled i accepted the breakup. i was painted black, new guy was thrown in my face. over the next few months we both hung on in indirect ways until i severed the ties. if you ask me who dumped who, id say she dumped me.

ive never broken up with a romantic partner. i always regretted that. it was not lost on me, that i chose a partner i knew would likely be unstable, as a sort of test for myself, as to whether i could walk away this time. i failed the test but i finally learned the right lesson(s).
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« Reply #185 on: July 22, 2016, 07:36:31 PM »

I stuck it out until the inevitable end hoping for a save at the last minute. I was even still waiting for the permanent idealization to show up. It sounds silly to me to hope that my ex would turn a corner and the woman that I first met would show but I didn't know about personality disorders.

There was a lot of tension amd conflict around the end of our relationship. I was avoidant, I would have liked to work through some of the issues but whenever I brought something up, it was always my fault. One particularly bad fight, she was raging at me for well over an hour, I stayed in the room, I'd just walk away today. It was my tipping point, I just had enough with her immaturity, how she blamed me for everything, jealousy even when I was talking to strangers in public, the negativity, drama abs and above all her disproportionate anger. I told her I had enough either she changes or I want a divorce.

About an hour and a half after that she had approached me again and asked me if I wad serious about a divorce and I bluffed to try get her scared and maybe she would do some serious counseling. I was split black and she started her escape plan and started a r/s with a neighbors friend. She emotionally checked out and I knew that she wasn't listening to ne and that this was really the end. It was disheartening but things got much better with time. She made the right choice for everyone as impulsive as her decision making is. The gamble paid off but it's not the way that I had wanted to end things, never in my life could I predict the emotional barrage.
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« Reply #186 on: July 23, 2016, 05:55:19 AM »

Mine left when our son was 6 months old. She had me beat to a pulp, mentally. I was in major depression. For the next 8 years I did everything to get her to look at me differently. No matter what I did, I was told I don't know how to look after my family. She would say only her family was there for her. Last year she met another man and she is an even more darker, sinister person to me.
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« Reply #187 on: July 25, 2016, 01:24:08 AM »

I ended the relationship.  At the time there was nothing but pain and fighting. It had been that way for a few months.

Initially, I planned on it being completely over and NC ever. She asked me to give it two weeks and re-evaluate the situation. I agreed, but she wouldn't wait for the two weeks. She told me that she didn't have to because it was her request. So, I went into full NC mode for a month or so.

During this period, I discovered the bpdfamily. I learned more about the disorder.  Like many of us here, I even questioned whether or not I was the one with the disorder. That is what got me into therapy.

I also started looking at my role in all of it. I discovered some pretty painful things about myself.
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« Reply #188 on: July 26, 2016, 02:40:35 PM »

Mine left silently.  He faded out (after I wanted more commitment from him) and gave me silent treatment. When I questioned the quiet, he told me to stop reading into it, I'm being "such a girl". It's been a few months since.
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« Reply #189 on: July 26, 2016, 03:07:51 PM »

My relationship has not officially ended but we have separated and broken up probably 30 times. 25 of those times she has tried to end it in an emotional state. Then I let her go. I don't speak to her and within a day she is trying to come back. She will do anything to get back from gas lighting to apologizing to promises of change. Anything to get me back. Then the cycle starts again.

I have broken up with her a few times and tried to be strict about it. Unfortunately I was in an emotional state but fully planned to follow through. Usually after she calmed down she would try to get back or just work her way back in. Last time she told me she was going to go stay at a guy friends house (trying to make me jealous) but later that night when I didn't show any reaction and just said OK she started asking if she could stay at my house on the couch. I said sure you can stay on the couch. I woke up and she was laying beside me and kissing me. I don't know what will happen in the future. I bet one day she will probably leave forever and go complete no contact after finding someone else. Im pretty sure.
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« Reply #190 on: August 08, 2016, 10:47:50 AM »

jrharvey, having also gone through more than 30 breakups, I think it might have helped me to determine which way my relationship was going. I'm curious (from one fellow with lots of breakups to another  Smiling (click to insert in post)) you describe yourself trying to be strict about breakups you initiated. What does that mean to you? Also, does it seem unusual to you that you have broken up with her quite a few times yourself? I know your few times doesn't compare to 25 by far, but I wanted to understand what your thinking was around this area.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #191 on: August 10, 2016, 12:17:43 PM »

I have a little more clarity about mine ended... .several years since any contact. Our r/s was similar to a lot of the ones that didn't work out. It started really fast and had its fair share of romantic fantasy... .and there were the strange tantrums every so often. I would say the ending was probably as nice as it could be. She said she needed to work on herself and we'd meet up for lunch in about a month. It was more or less an abrupt slow fade. She was my first love, and I really did believe in the romantic fantasy and hoped that that woman would wake up and come back. Now I see the bigger picture and realize she was never really there. I spent a lot of time afterwards just struggling hanging on to those few words and trying to figure out what happened, found this group, and even made friends with women with BPD in a local support group and another online. They helped me write a letter and my ex responded quickly and seemed somewhat ok. We emailed back and forth a few times, sometimes I wouldn't hear anything for weeks or months, and then she really went off on me. That's when I realized that the relationship/communication had nothing to do with me and it would always be a terrible relationship for me. I haven't had any contact since... .in about 4 years.
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« Reply #192 on: August 10, 2016, 03:02:21 PM »

Sad to say, but almost our entire marriage I've been trying to hold it together, from the first year. He checked out and only came back in enough to reel me in and then throw me back again. I was always waiting on him to decide, to tell me what it is he really wanted to see what could be done, and he told me in so many ways, then would retract it. Never anything concrete like a yes or no. The last four years he's said "I don't know" when I've asked him if he wanted to be with me. Then on our anniversary he went to see his family, stayed for a month, I let him come back, and it's been pretty obvious to me since then that I had already really started letting go of "what could be". I finally decided myself that it was over, and the last time I asked him he said "50/50". So, I mean, I don't know how much more he could hurt me, and I'm not waiting to find out. I'm not hoping he'll come to his senses or anything, I've finally let it sink in that it's over. He's finally got work again so he'll be back to his family in four or five weeks. I feel bad more for my son than anyone at this point, because he doesn't really understand what's going on or why his dad won't be here. It's not like his dad will tell him, it will be up to me. I've been detaching for so long because of all the pain that right now feels like it's already been years. I feel lighter and when I cried the other day I was heavy, grieving the finality, and now I'm focused on what I need to do to get my son and myself on track and healthier and happy. One small step at a time. I've learned this lesson slowly and painfully.

Sincerely,

Purekalm
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« Reply #193 on: July 05, 2017, 10:15:13 PM »

Curious to know
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« Reply #194 on: July 05, 2017, 10:52:46 PM »

During which one of the 50 breakups are you referring to? 
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« Reply #195 on: July 05, 2017, 11:31:51 PM »

During which one of the 50 breakups are you referring to? 

     
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« Reply #196 on: July 06, 2017, 01:37:16 AM »

Definitely a mix. They kept "unofficially" leaving me for other people multiple times in the past and just stopped talking to me until the reason they've left wasn't talking to them anymore; so they came back to the idiot that'd always have them.

I left them once and blocked all means of her contacting me when the abuse got too much for me to bear, but she came back to me a year later, told me she'd changed, and I got lured back in.

Got replaced some more until I got together with another person: I blocked them off again everywhere because she got extremely hurtful and insulting so I guess the last and final break-up is on me. Knowing her, she won't consider talking to me again until she dies.

I guess I gotta tick all boxes.
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« Reply #197 on: July 06, 2017, 03:59:31 AM »

A mix. My ex got into a relationship with another woman and only told me that we were over once he was sure the new relationship was solid, but added that he hoped we would stay friends as he "needed me." He said he wasn't able to tell the new girlfriend about his self-injury yet and he wanted my support with that.

Six weeks later I went NC because I was in too much pain over this discard to go on sitting in the corner like a disused toy, waiting for him to need me. I also wanted my self-respect back. I used to think he left me, but now I think it was more the other way round - he would have been quite happy to keep me among his toy collection for as long as I was content to put up with it.
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40days_in_desert
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« Reply #198 on: July 06, 2017, 05:43:40 AM »

My ex left after a little over 14 years of marriage two years ago but as you can guess, she already had my replacement lines up. It was an ex-boyfriend that she connected with on FB. Her reason for separating was to work on our marriage but a week after she moved out, she stopped talking to me and two weeks later I found that she was with her ex. One real attempt at a recycle by her about six months ago but her actions didn't match her words so it went nowhere. I guess you could say that I walked away from that "opportunity" but I look at it as avoiding a major car accident.
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“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
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« Reply #199 on: July 06, 2017, 09:12:06 AM »

I left.  And got charmed back.  4 times (probably more if you count "short breakups" in which I blocked him for a day or so after extreme verbal abuse).  One time I left for 6 months, more recently for 5, in all cases, the tears, screaming, pleas to "help" and other blatant manipulations gave me so much guilt that I went back….and back…and back.  I hate myself for it, and here I am again in week 5 of another recycle, depressed and listless and giving up more of my days in an effort to "help" him.  Like I said, I hate myself and sometimes death seems to be the only option to finally escape him.  The only thing keeping me alive at this point are my 3 daughters.  He is my addiction and my self-inflicted wound.  If I could fake my own death I would.
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Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"


« Reply #200 on: July 06, 2017, 09:30:41 AM »

I never really know what the answer is for me on this. My exBPDd cheated and lied, then said after six weeks of wanting to be me that she needed to move out and might date other people. I said that was all I could take and it was over. After the split during a discussion (we run a business together so could not be NC) she actually said that I had ended the relationship. I was quite surprised, in her head I had ended it. I didn't really feel I had much choice. She also was still in love with the replacement at that point and they are now together I believe from the grapevine, she has never been able to tell me though. Four weeks ago she asked me to leave our business as she felt too guilty.
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« Reply #201 on: July 06, 2017, 10:01:17 AM »

My BPD-ex and I had this dynamic where he'd pursue me, I'd resist, and then he'd work to win me over. Once he won me over he'd do something so transgressive that I'd have to push him away (to maintain modicum of self-respect).  Wash, rinse, repeat.  So, him pursuing and me leaving was just what we did.

Finally, I had enough, though I can imagine another scenario where if had I let him degrade me a few more times he'd have eventually found me not worth winning back.  So grateful it didn't go that far.  I'm sure the relationship felt like one long rejection to him even though he basically forced me away with abuse.
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« Reply #202 on: July 06, 2017, 10:45:48 PM »

Interesting sample.
It's almost 50/50 with 1 vote difference

In short, i am stuck in one of those cycles as mentioned above

She chases promises the world etc, take her back, mask off, BANG disgusting behavior forces me to say BYE BYE

3 recycles and almost on a 4th ! Whyyy oh why
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« Reply #203 on: July 07, 2017, 03:48:41 AM »

How do I start?

First 2 or 3 times, she left and recycled.

First big break-up was on me due to her abuse. She contacted me again, we got back together... .she left me multiple times for other's without officially breaking up with me, I took her back every time. Second big break-up was also my decision: I felt miserable WITH and then WITHOUT her. Again, we got back together. I got recycled over the course of 2 more years-- we weren't "together" anymore at that point but viewed us as destined for each other once we're doing better.

Then, she got together with some guy. It lasted a month; she came back straight afterwards and I immediately told her that this is the point I don't want to be with her anymore romantically. Things derailed pretty quickly after that - I got together with someone else some months ago now and ever since that, it's gone quiet. And always will be.

I suppose the final break-up was a mutual thing, but it still got forced due to me finding someone else.
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hopealways
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« Reply #204 on: July 07, 2017, 09:21:53 PM »

Do they ever really end?
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #205 on: July 07, 2017, 10:13:10 PM »

Do they ever really end?

I left, but never wanted too. He pushed me away, wanted to come back, but sabotaged any efforts for us to get together and talk. So much distrust on both sides. I couldn't take it anymore, but it doesn't seem to have ended. We've been in an 18 month break-up still rehashing old stuff and expressing pain to each other. We have ended, and I'm committed to a new life, but it doesn't feel over and I wonder if it ever really will be. There's no closure, not in the usual way. I'm going to have to make my own closure.
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« Reply #206 on: December 21, 2017, 02:52:22 PM »

My BPD left me but I forced the situation. I did things out of spite which in turn triggered a lot of her behaviour. She started cutting me out and leaving me for days as punishment. after a month or so of that, I expressed to her that the next time she left, I would not chase after her. At that point she wrote a long winded message and told me she was breaking up with me, not me with her, and sent me to hell. We have not spoken since. It has been a week. I am not sure I want to chase her anymore. I suppose we are done and that I forced it.
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« Reply #207 on: December 21, 2017, 03:44:15 PM »

I mentally left my undiagnosed BPDgf after one of her many irrational shaming rage attacks -- I had "abandoned" her again, in reality I simply HAD to spend time at work and with my kids.  She wouldn't understand, wouldn't come with me, she raged and ubered away.   Although my brain left the relationship, my heart stayed.  I begged forgiveness (again) and she came back.

But my brain was done with this lunacy and committed the cardinal sin, it confided in a female friend, and continued to in a series of meetings -- sole intent was to help me understand my gf's behavior.  You see, I wasn't allowed to have female friends.  So my heart lied and hid this from my BPDgf.

Three months later my undiagnosed BPDgf started yet another one of her irrational shaming rage attacks -- this time I wasn't supporting her adequately (after flying her everywhere, getting her out of debt, putting money into our new home, etc.).  She was about to uber out again when my brain stepped up and gave her my phone to see the conversations I was having with my friend, much to my heart's dismay.  As both heart and brain knew she would, she completely freaked out, broke every dish and light  bulb in my house, threw food all over the kitchen, slapped me hard in my face, spit full into my face, raged how I could do that to her and she left.   I haven't seen her since.

It's taken me a long time, but my heart was in full on pain mode, but it is finally matching my brain.  I 'm a smart guy but I was completely gas lit.  Stockholm syndrome.  I'm not a bad person.  I'm actually a very good person.  Too good for her.  And there was no saving her.

So did she end it or did I?  Was I passive aggressive or battling heart and brain?  

I dunno.  But I never hit her.  Never spit at her.  Never called her evil.  Never trashed her stuff.

I'm actually a very good person.

Too good for her.
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« Reply #208 on: December 21, 2017, 09:03:32 PM »

It's taken me a long time, but my heart was in full on pain mode, but it is finally matching my brain.  I 'm a smart guy but I was completely gas lit.  Stockholm syndrome.  I'm not a bad person.  I'm actually a very good person.  Too good for her.  And there was no saving her.

So did she end it or did I?  Was I passive aggressive or battling heart and brain?  

I dunno.  But I never hit her.  Never spit at her.  Never called her evil.  Never trashed her stuff.

I'm actually a very good person.

Too good for her.

I found this very reinforcing and full of positivism. Thanks for writing this as it reminded me that I am a good woman... .too good for her. Good luck and I hope it all continues to improve for you.
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« Reply #209 on: December 21, 2017, 10:23:16 PM »

I realized nothing was going to change after 1 year and 3 breakups. Finally realized he had BP traits and had been deceitful. 

After the second breakup I decided that the 3rd would be the last for me. The 3rd came around, I said it was over, he said it was over, I agreed, he wanted me back, I said it was over. NC for me. He emailed me early this week, did not read it. NC.

Zen606
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« Reply #210 on: December 23, 2017, 06:24:10 AM »

Found her with another guy she must have seen no more than 2 times and she moved directly into his house.

3 days before this I was still the love of her life and making Christmas plans.

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« Reply #211 on: January 01, 2018, 04:22:22 AM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]

Before our 2-week vacation which started on my birthday she just ran away and went to the first male she found on the internet...
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araneina
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« Reply #212 on: January 04, 2018, 01:26:45 PM »

BPD left me [BPD decision]

He tried to end it several times but we always found our way back together.  Finally he decided to move states and didn't want me to come with.  2 weeks later he was FB official with a girl he said was "just a friend" while we had been together.  

I realize now the relationship was toxic, but at the time, I was willing to move states with him.  What a catastrophic mistake that would have been.
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Drs204

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« Reply #213 on: August 12, 2018, 02:46:25 AM »

She left me. Texted and said "I think we should go our separate ways as I am too busy with the new job and the kids." (she is also a widow).

5 weeks later blocks me on FB and turns out has a new BF. A friend told me.

After confronting her by email and text she has broken contact and I have not heard from her in 2 weeks now.

Sent her a text today saying I am sorry for things I said, that I forgive her, and that I do love her. I do not expect any reply.

I do expect her to contact me though once this relationship ends. She knew him a week before going "into a relationship" with him.

Or she may not and I never hear from her again. I may wish her a Merry Christmas at that time of year but that is about it.
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SerendipityChild
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« Reply #214 on: August 12, 2018, 11:28:04 AM »

She left me. Texted and said "I think we should go our separate ways as I am too busy with the new job and the kids." (she is also a widow).

5 weeks later blocks me on FB and turns out has a new BF. A friend told me.

After confronting her by email and text she has broken contact and I have not heard from her in 2 weeks now.

Sent her a text today saying I am sorry for things I said, that I forgive her, and that I do love her. I do not expect any reply.

I do expect her to contact me though once this relationship ends. She knew him a week before going "into a relationship" with him.

Or she may not and I never hear from her again. I may wish her a Merry Christmas at that time of year but that is about it.

Isn’t it funny how they said they need some time to themselves yet they can’t stand to be alone? My exBPD resented me for sticking it out with him through the lows and kept telling me I deserve someone better. I was so blinded by my love for him that I kept responding to him “No, you’re the one for me and I’m not leaving you”. He must have not liked that because he felt trapped. Maybe bored. He had lost interest in doing what we normally do to have fun: concerts, movies, camping and even sex. The last he said was he hated me. No closure whatsoever. I knew that if I tried to see him and ask him to come home he would have just ignored me or told me to get lost. I think that’s a huge reason why it hurts so much. There were no proper goodbyes and wishing each other good luck. It left me so conflicted. Why won’t he give me any closure? Is he with someone else now and if it doesn’t work out he’s expecting me to take him back? Either way I am done. I promised myself and my children that he’s finally over. There are moments when I question myself if I am doing the right thing by practicing no contact. Then I start thinking of all the horrible things he told and did to me to validate my decision. It still hurts. But I know in time it will get better.
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Drs204

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« Reply #215 on: August 12, 2018, 03:30:25 PM »

Isn’t it funny how they said they need some time to themselves yet they can’t stand to be alone? My exBPD resented me for sticking it out with him through the lows and kept telling me I deserve someone better. I was so blinded by my love for him that I kept responding to him “No, you’re the one for me and I’m not leaving you”. He must have not liked that because he felt trapped. Maybe bored. He had lost interest in doing what we normally do to have fun: concerts, movies, camping and even sex. The last he said was he hated me. No closure whatsoever. I knew that if I tried to see him and ask him to come home he would have just ignored me or told me to get lost. I think that’s a huge reason why it hurts so much. There were no proper goodbyes and wishing each other good luck. It left me so conflicted. Why won’t he give me any closure? Is he with someone else now and if it doesn’t work out he’s expecting me to take him back? Either way I am done. I promised myself and my children that he’s finally over. There are moments when I question myself if I am doing the right thing by practicing no contact. Then I start thinking of all the horrible things he told and did to me to validate my decision. It still hurts. But I know in time it will get better.

Oh exactly. She said she "needed space". Had to "figure out what I want". She's almost 30 years old with 2 kids and does not know what she wants? It was one question she could never answer for me, "What do you want out of life?". But I think  that is typical BPD with the lack of self.

I told her too, "you are the one for me and I am not leaving you". I think that triggered the fear of engulfment and pushing me away. Despite the fact they have a fear of abandonment. It's a huge paradox really. I can't imagine what is going on in their minds. It must be a living hell.

But the last text from her two weeks ago was saying she met the guy the week before so I can shove her cheating on me up my ass. No closure. No good bye. Nothing. Very impulsive. Very much BPD behavior.
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #216 on: September 15, 2018, 09:25:15 PM »

Similar experience here... .She seemed so genuine and caring when she ended things... .almost as if things were real and that we could recover. "She needed time to herself... .needed to be single... .it was her and not me" We'd get lunch in a month or so and talk about things. "Things were really up in the air" But then two weeks later she was hanging out with the guy that she tried to sabotage the relationship with anyway in the first place. Not too long after that she was "dating somebody'... .Yep.

The longer I'm out of it the more I see it as a blessing that I'm out of it. You know, it was never had anything to do with us. These relationships, with these kinds of people, are by definition chaotic. They can and do work out occasionally but when they don't, don't they teach us something about ourselves? The empathetic part of me does feel deeply for her pain, but I found out that that's not love. I had to accept that some things are just out of my control and I have to take care of myself and not get caught up with the "poor me" types. Childhood issues, too, my mother's personality was similiar, difficult relationship... .My grandparents practically raised me. My mother painted my father as a bad person but as an adult I know him much differently. I almost repeated that cycle but this r/s hurt me deeply and woke me up too. What was your lesson?
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Drs204

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« Reply #217 on: September 21, 2018, 07:25:20 PM »

Similar experience here... .She seemed so genuine and caring when she ended things... .almost as if things were real and that we could recover. "She needed time to herself... .needed to be single... .it was her and not me" We'd get lunch in a month or so and talk about things. "Things were really up in the air" But then two weeks later she was hanging out with the guy that she tried to sabotage the relationship with anyway in the first place. Not too long after that she was "dating somebody'... .Yep.

The longer I'm out of it the more I see it as a blessing that I'm out of it. You know, it was never had anything to do with us. These relationships, with these kinds of people, are by definition chaotic. They can and do work out occasionally but when they don't, don't they teach us something about ourselves? The empathetic part of me does feel deeply for her pain, but I found out that that's not love. I had to accept that some things are just out of my control and I have to take care of myself and not get caught up with the "poor me" types. Childhood issues, too, my mother's personality was similiar, difficult relationship... .My grandparents practically raised me. My mother painted my father as a bad person but as an adult I know him much differently. I almost repeated that cycle but this r/s hurt me deeply and woke me up too. What was your lesson?

Still trying to figure out what my lesson is. Maybe to watch out a bit more, and to look for certain behavior? Like early declaration of love, super texting, then stonewalling, things like that.

I actually sent her a text today; it had been 6 weeks since I sent the last one. Maybe I should not do so but I did. Limited contact. No answer from her of course and I don't expect any as I am sure my number is blocked. I said so in the text anyway. More or less it was that I had spent a few days in Jasper thinknig about us. I had bought a large tent which was to be for us and her boys. (They had asked me to take them camping at one time as they knew I camped. )

I told her I thought part of what brought it on was her fear of abondonment (I have never mentioned BPD as I don't think she even knows) and that it was that which prompted her to abaondon me so I could not abaondon her and then find another BF quickly to fill the void. I also mentioned that I thouhgt her anxieties got the better of her. I said I cared about her and would never have abandoned her; in fact saying I wanted to commit to a deeper realtionship with her before the breakup.

Maybe I am the crazy one no?

I look back at my own childhood and recent came to realize my father was a religious narcist. We had a very strict upbringing. I look at my divorce as well, and how that related to my upbringing, and my X-wife was very much the same. My xgfwBPD was very different from that so I found it interesting and I was very open to a relationship with her. In recent years for me trying to form a relationship with "church girls" has proved impossible once they find out about the divorce. I have actually even stopped going to church.

I see this maybe as a warning to myself as to what can happen. Yet I still would go back to her or take her back if she wanted; though I would insist we go for therapy together as ssit would be needed looking at what happened to us.

Another side of me says to walk way. Leave it alone and walk away. Yet this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I miss her boys too as I grew attached to them, and they to me. I am sure she lied to them as to what happened, saying I left them. Oh and here is a new guy... .whom the relationship will also not work out as she knew the guy a week before "dating" him.

In time with her not responding then I will move on. I have had 2-3 other ladies express interest though the closest one is a 3 hour drive and the other 2 across the country. And all of them are dealing with their own issues with recent breakups, one in a divorce and rehab (I have know her all my life though and we should have dated as teens) , one fled a narcist whom almost killed her and so on.

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