What do you do about the addiction to the addiction...

[Skippy]

When do the addictions end... .

First I was preoccupied with the relationship (when it was great);

Then I was preoccupied getting the relationship past its hurdles;

Then preoccupied saving the relationship;

Then preoccupied learning about bPD;

Then preoccupied with saying good bye to everyone;

Now preoccupied with I don't know what... .bpdfamily... .whatever, but its on my mind 24 hours a day... .

Has anyone else gone through this... .

I do want to move on now... .leave all this darkness behind, but I seem to have one foot in the past and one in present... .not really in either place.

Just a phase... .

[egghead]

Brutha, we seem to be if ever so slightly in step up until the last week.

I will tell you I can attest to everything until your last comment until the bottom fell out last week (re: My Goodbye posting)... .But I will tell you, honestly, I have not felt better about myself, my life, my situation than I have in the last week.

I know that the addiction to conflict breeds itself within you when you are with a bpSO.  You are always at threat-con delta, waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next drama to arise, the next outburst of unrealistic emotion that sucks you in and makes you a part of it... .It in itself is an addiction.  Whether it be to the adrenaline rush.  To the emotional catharsis that it sometimes creates... .a justification of the way you feel.  I don't know. 

In the last week, I have found I cannot sleep.  I am looking for it.  I am looking for 'discussions' with someone... .I am looking for excitement... .I now am so tired, it is hard sitting here at work at my desk without dozing. 

You are right, it is a phase.  I went through the phase several times.  It sucks, and I can tell, it causes the same self-doubt in you in caused in me.  Find out what you need and act on it.  Don't wait like I have for the end to come to me. 

eGG

[amybeth79]

Hi, ((Skip))-

You are getting there, honey.  It's all about taking steps forward... .hell, sometimes we even have to take a few backwards... .but, then we just gotta keep going.  I remember when you first got on this site... .back when I was posting as Sillyamy... .you were so sad, so hurt.  My heart truly broke for you.  You wanted answers, you wanted explanations, you wanted HER.  Now look at you!  Yes, you still hurt.  But, isn't that natural?  This was a tremendous loss, sweetheart. 

I'm proud of the progress you've made.  Keep it going.

Your friend,

Amy

[hurtinohio]

Skip,

I am so with you on this one.?  

My mind is occupied constantly with the same phases that you mentioned above.?  

Being a man, and an engineering type at that, I just want to fix things ?  ? I know what the problem is - I'm pretty sure I know how to fix it - but there is one major obstacle (at least in my case) - the person that I love, doesn't realize there is a problem (other than me! ).?  

The Nook has been a tremendous saving shelter for me, but I know EXACTLY what you are going through.?  

I am just getting to the point where I (might) have one foot in the past - so you are a little ahead of me - there's some grace for you !

Everyone has their own "final moment" - and for everyone it is different.?  I haven't found mine yet - but I'm sure I will, and I'm sure you will too.?  

You're not alone.

hurtinohio

[lennic]

My experience Skip is extensive with addictions. I ain't necessarily proud of that but it is what it is.

There are many paths to an addiction and away from them.

The only true common denominator I have observed and with my own personal experience is a very very important word and associated concept:

Surrender.

Wars end quickly in such circumstance.

But it ain't the pretend kind where someone waves the white flag and is really tricking the other side... .Ha Ha,,I got cha kind of thing.

No "true" surrender... .you beat me and I'm done.

Then everyone goes home.

Lenny

[shellshocked]

Skip:

Go back and re-read your original posting.  See the progression?  The truth is your ARE moving forward!  Don't give up or give in.  Some days are good, some not so good but look where you started and look where you are now.

Keep going.  The light you see at the end of the tunnel is NOT, I repeat NOT, a train coming in the other direction.  It is peace, health and more.

SS

[MoGlo]

Skip, you're getting some wonderful compassionate responses here and I hope they're reaching you.  It's hard, I know, but please keep on that forward path and try to not look behind. 

If you're not already, think about getting out and trying some new things you've maybe wanted to for a while.  Take come college courses or try yoga or carpentry - or volunteer work for that matter.  Getting out around new people who don't know where you've been has a way of making you look at things differently.  I bet you have a lot of unused talents that others would appreciate.

Take good care, whatever you do.