06. Splitting; Protecting yourself While Divorcing a BPD - William Eddy, Esq

[BPDFamily]

Splitting: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist Author: William A. ("Bill" Eddy, Esq Publisher: Eggshell Press (2004) Paperback: 150 pages ISBN-10: 1608820254 ISBN-13: 978-1608820252

Book Description
This book was written for anyone going through a potentially high conflict divorce. It focuses on common emotional and legal issues raised when someone with a Borderline or Narcissistic personality enters the Family Court system. This is an honest and supportive book, with practical suggestions for handling the many predictable issues of legal manipulations, abusive behavior, false allegations of abusive behavior, finding an attorney, and a prolonged legal process.

I wrote Splitting after ten years as a divorce attorney representing many fathers (and mothers) whose spouses appeared to have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders or traits. Since I had been a therapist for the previous decade, I recognized these personality problems -- but I did not realize at first how successful they can be at manipulating and confusing legal professionals. Rather than being rational and protective, the Family Court process can be very unpredictable and inadvertently encourages false allegations, aggressive and sometimes violent behavior, and intense blaming of the Non-BP or Non-NP spouse.

The Author
William A. ("Bill" Eddy is Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California with thirteen years’ experience representing clients in family court. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics.

Author's Comments on This Book

[Randi Kreger]

Hi:I just want to say that Bill Eddy is one of the nicest people I know. He is not what we think of as "lawer-like." He is extremely compassionate and very into this topic of High-Conflict Personalities. He must have put 100 hours into this project (as well as the accompanying Splitting CD). A HCP may have BPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or just be hard to get along with. Bill does seminars about this topic all over.When I get an email from someone about legal divorce issues, I forward it to Bill and he writes an informative email. He has also written a book for the attorneys of HCPs.

[William A. (Bill) Eddy]

Authors Comments

I have Randi Kreger to thank for getting me to write Splitting.  

I had written another book primarily for professionals (High Conflict People in Legal Disputes), and sent it to her for a review.  She said, "We need a book for the people going through the divorce themselves with someone with borderline personality disorder." She told me many of the questions she had been getting on her website (www-page-not-found-net) and I wrote Splitting to answer many of those questions.

But I also wrote Splitting to help myself cope with being in family court as an attorney, representing clients who often were dealing with a borderline or narcissistic spouse. Legal professionals didn't understand the dynamics of personality disorders: the constant blaming, distortion campaigns, the true abuse, and the false allegations.  And my clients didn't understand what to expect. The reason I understood these dynamics was because of my 12 years as a therapist before becoming an attorney.

So, I wrote Splitting to help divorcing spouses understand all aspects of a case when a BP or NP is involved, including: how their "ex" will act, how their attorneys will act, how the judge will act, etc.  There are very predictable patterns to these cases, and the more you know what to expect, the more you can be prepared and not feel hopeless.

There is hope if you are prepared for the long-term conflict and work step by step with your therapist and/or attorney in handling a high-conflict divorce.  Splitting takes you through every step, from preparing for a divorce and hiring an attorney, to heading off potential after-divorce issues.

Best wishes,

Bill Eddy

[BPDFamily]

Review by former member, Rain09Man04:

The book was extremely helpful since some of it actually helped me to predict the future and prepare for it. The sections on what information to gather and how to work with your attorney was also great. It was important to know that the family court system will listen to all kinds of emotional claims and to document everything.

At the time I got the book, I had just decided to switch my attorney because he refused to help me assert myself in my case with my exbp, believing that I needed to give in to her demands to make things better and interpreted that me wanting to assert my rights as I wanted to remain in the relationship or that I was trying to get back at her. As a result of him dragging his feet and not doing what I asked of him, it became even a greater uphill battle. He even told my new attorney he thought I wanted to get back with my ex. That was very unprofessional and could have caused damage to my credibility with my new attorney. Good thing my new attorney put little stock in it after clarifying with me.

I couldn't figure out why my attorney was acting this way and was in my opinion working against me. Reading the section that talked about how sometimes the bps are so convincing, your own attorney may turn against you really helped. Just to hear that it happens was calming. As I think more about my old attorney, he had a wife that cheated on him and he was willing to take her back so who knows how his own beliefs clouded his judgement about my situation. He definitely could not hear what I was saying to him. He probably had an affinity for bp-like people who play the victim role well.

It would be helpful to have a list of warning signs to watch out for when it comes to attorneys since one puts their trust and basically their life into the attorney's hands and if they are not doing the job you need them to do, they can cause lots of harm. Examples of other people's stories were very enlightening. I gave a copy to my new attorney as reference just so he would know what I believe I am dealing with. The fact that it was written by an attorney was most valuable. If only more judges, cops, and others who are in a position to ruin good people's lives are required to know this stuff.

[nowwhat]

High Conflict People in legal disputes

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ.

Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker

ISBN 978-0-9815090-5-1

Table Of Contents:

Part 1, Understanding High-Conflict Personalities

1. The Problem: Personalities Drive Conflict

2. The Pattern: An Enduring Pattern of Blame

3. Borderline Personalities: Love You, Hate You

4. Narcissistic Personalities: I'm Very Superior

5. Antisocial Personalitities: Con Artists

6. Histronic Personalities: Always Dramatic

7. The Enablers: Family, Firends and Professionals

Part 2, Managing and Resolving Thier Disputes

8. Bonding: Providing Security and Limits

9. Structure: Containing Emotions and Focusing on Tasks

10. Reality Testing: Cognitive Distortions and Legal Standards

11. Consequences: Motivating Reflection and Behavior Change

12. A United Approach: The Key to Resolving High-Conflict Disputes

Summary:

This book discusses the impact of High Conflict People (HCP) in legal disputes from the perspective of professionals working within the the court system; however, those involved in litigation (petitioner or respondant) will also find it extremely helpful as it discusses strategies for discovery of evidence and presentation, as well as challenging distortions and lies introduced during court.

I purchased it directly through www.highconflictinstitute.com

[rps67]

I just got this book and am only on page 100 or so. It's fascinating! I haven't read anything yet that will help us, because I'm still in the first section, but I'm looking forward to section 2. The first part reminds me of a psychology textbook, which is cool because I think it's interesting to read about the various personality disorders.

IMHO, well worth the $20!

[Edith]

Just finished reading splitting.  It was very helpful.

[Junebuggy]

I got my copy from amazon.com.  It is a new (not used) copy.  Price of book plus shipping was $13.50.  It is WELL worth that!

[Aurylian]

Also available on a Kindle version, if you need to keep it private.

[atcrossroads]

Outstanding resource!  I reread it today and took notes to share with my attorney tomorrow.  I'm still anxious about what's to come (court?) but feel MUCH more confident!

Thank you!

[Randi Kreger]

Outstanding resource!  I reread it today and took notes to share with my attorney tomorrow.  I'm still anxious about what's to come (court?) but feel MUCH more confident!Thank you!

I originally published this myself. Not it is published through Hazelden. They also have an e-book and an audio book you can get thru hazelden or through audible, I think. Or try Hazelden.org