Is this all my fault? Did I cause this?

[heronbird]

I think it is important for us to remember and realise that there is a very big difference between a Psychiatrist/clinician and a person who loves someone with BPD.

A clinician will be very detached, even if compassionate its so very different, Love is the biggest thing, its better than even all the money in the world.

I think while a P would of done loads of training, they only know what they have been taught. We have lived it, its different and a good P will understand that too.

This is one reason I liked Valeries book, it didnt occur to me that Valeries book was one of the only books on BPD that was written by a person who has a loved one with BPD, all the others that I read were from Ps

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Survive2012]

I found this board by searching desperately outside Italy when I read one book on BPD for clinicians. I was horrified to read:"Negative relationship with the parents during early childhood build structural distortions and disorders centered  on hostile dependence from authority", then, always on the same page:"Psychodynamic suffering comes from a lack of affection due to poverty of reflection and acceptance from the parents, lack of protection and good upbringing from what the idea of a frightening and menacing world takes origin, with the perception of a lack of affection and a low personal value."

You can easily imagine how a parent feels when, having just heard of BPD, they start reading the first things!

I can tell you this is the reason for which I am translating Valerie Porr's great book, so that nobody in Italy gets the stab we felt in our chest.

Ciao from Italy!  

Survive

[moira]

Hello. My first time posting here. My dd23 is very sensitive.  She had neglect before we got her at 2, but I think I see how my parenting may have added to it.  She was needy, I went back to work after 3 mos.  I suffered from depression, when I was down I didn't play with her, so there was inconsistency.  I lost 2 immediate family members when she was young, and traveled to help care for them, leaving her home with my hubby and son27.  During her high school years I had 2 serious bouts of cancer.  Then after always supporting her, I got panicky in recent years that she seemed to be doing worse (acting more immature for her advancing age).  This board is really helping me to see that all the support must address her fears, and not mine.  That realization is helping me to calmly deal with assisting her, guiding her in ways that don't scare her.  This has given us a very pleasant weekend, and a little more cooperation from her.  And my husband has been calm because I am.  Hope I'm back on a better track her.  This site is certainly a life saver.

[heronbird]

Survive and all  

I can honestly say that my dd had a great upbringing, she would even tell you that, she got on well with us and loved her family. We never had loads of money so we played lots of imaginary games, went to parks etc etc. Just generally a nice life and lots of love too.

Sure, now and again I may of been a bit invalidating or busy, but just normal. I read loads of parenting books, and did courses to make me a better parent, totally committed.

So we are living proof that we did nothing to contribute.

Moira, your story is different, she had a bad start, you think you may of added to it, you will never know for sure, it may just of been in her genes.

[moira]

Well, I agree with the possibility also of a genetic component since I know a little about birthm and have spoken to her.  DD  also has eating disorder, oddly enough we saw signs of it from day one, but had no idea it would continue to be a problem.  Pediatrician always said she would outgrow it, but that's not what happened in this case.  Right now she's being treated for that, willingly; but doesn't buy into BPD dx nor willing to do therapy for it.

thanks for your reply heronbird!

[Jacqueline]

Wow.  These posts are very interesting and informative to read.  I have been subjected to the exact same thing - made to feel guilty because I didn't parent in the right way.  I too did my best, and there is no such thing as the perfect parent or person for that matter.  I appreciate the Moderator providing the link and providing some insight as to how the disorder could have been managed better if we had only known at the time.  I'm still not sure about what is meant by I didn't validate enough.  I am on board with the fact that my daughter is an emotional sensitive person and I am much more of a cerebral type and therefore had a hard time understanding when she was four why she cried for absolutely no reason.  My question is, how much validation is enough?  When she was younger I always acknowledged how she was feeling, and praised her for her efforts.  For some reason, she seems to want validation now dd25 for everything she does - extreme praise, otherwise she feels as though she is not living up to some standard she thinks i have.  I don't understand what is required of me now to change the way I behave.  I don't criticize, and give credit where it is due.  I don't yell at her now that she is an adult - her consequences are her own for her behavior.  I am at a loss to what she wants from me.  Perhaps to treat me like garbage and then i put up with it.  From what I have read, that is not what you should do with bp, because it will make their illness worse.  Thanks for listening.

[lbjnltx]

How much validation is enough?... .  it is an ongoing lifelong human need... .  to be validated... .  to have our feelings acknowledged and understood.  PwBPD need it more than the average person due to their intense emotional states and emotional thinking.  If you think about it in terms of us as moms... .  this is why we come here... .  to share our feelings and emotional thoughts with others who can validate us... .  we need it.  When we are validated we feel understood and this soothes us... .  and most often relieves our emotional thinking enough to learn new skills... .  this is the secondary goal of validating our  BPDkids/adultkids... .  hopes that the validating environment will soothe and lead to maturity and skill learning.

[whiletheseasonspass]

I was VERY protective of my dd's physical needs.

That said about being good with her physical needs I am going to start by saying that I don't think I had the greatest innate "mother-y" skills of being a mom to a very sensitive child- but I feel that I might have been an good enough mom- for a conventional child, regular child... .  and dd might have come out way way better-  I believe- based on the fact that I would have known how to raise her and it would have been easier to bond and all of that.   I can look back to when she was born- and so on... .  and see that there were behaviors or oddities... .  that I was inadequate to deal with.  I was naive too.

So not having the innate skills ( and not even knowing that consciously) still determined to be a good mom- I read read read- HOW TO BE  MOM books which were not even abundant  and reading about how to be a mom is really about being a mom cerebrally... .  not from a motherly place.  I wanted so badly to be a GOOD MOM.  I knew I was stumbling.  

In hindsight long before I found this board I knew much of what I might have done differently.  And that was to have been more tender with my child.  So yes- I know this.  I know that I did the best and read those books and I wanted my child to grow up healthy and happy.  But always always always felt inadequate.  

I can go back to infancy and see things in my dd that were not normal and then as time went on- more about dd's oddness  showed itself-  but I did not know the right ways to deal.  I did not understand.  

I cannot go back.  But for years I wished I could have.  Now my dd is so physically ill and things could not feel more difficult or painful.   Too big a price to pay.  Back then when I read read read- there was NOTHING about sensitive children.  And even when dd was 13 and really starting to act out - I searched for help... .  and no books- the school psychologist was of no help... but now - years later- there are all kinds of books about the kind of parenting my dd needed and even if it was from a cerebral place and not instinctual- I would have done the right things.  

I love my dd very much... .  and I became those things to her that she still needs at her adult age - I am  tender, loving, validating, and emotionally supportive.  She too has become more loving and we express love to one another lots which if you look back over my first years' posts you would not see this in what I wrote.  I think it is because of changes in dh and I for the better-  and now I see changes in dd in ways.  But still she is in such a bad place- and now the bar is so high- I can't save her.  

Those if only's.  I KNOW KNOW KNOW that if only's do no good.  That said- maybe I have less guilt than I used to have- and maybe I should say - that the "if only's" when they kick up- is sadness and regret that I did not know what I needed to know.

If my dh ever joins this board ( which he'll never do) - he can tell you how he was inadequate too... .  for he talks about it to me and his own pain.  As I wrote above if my dd had been a conventional child - it might well have been a different story for her- being born with a different personality etc than her having been born the way she was - to parents who did not know what to do with a very sensitive child and having our own inadequacies.  

Sorry for such a sad, downer post but today this is how I feel.

[lbjnltx]

Dear wtsp,

Such sad truths you tell... .  if only... .  if only... .  back then we knew.  We didn't... .  that is truth.  We do now... .  that is truth also.  Which matters now the most?  It is the present, because we can't change the past.

In the present you are ... .  fully knowing... .  fully practicing all the skills your d needs.  She won't accept help, that is up to her to change.  If she chooses you are fully prepared to walk beside her.  That is all you can do.

Acknowledging what... .  in retrospect... .  our kids needed in the past... .  where we fell short of their needs is part of radical acceptance... .  letting go of what we cannot change in the past and moving towards letting go of what we cannot change in the present. 

 

lbj

[cfh]

After reading through these posts again I realized that we did parent our ds very differently from my nonds.  We adopted him at birth and right away he behaved in some unusual ways. 

I had to "teach" him how to cuddle and he's very cuddly now.  His anxiety was always so high so we had to time how much in advance to tell him things that were going to happen (good or bad) so that he didn't spend weeks worrying or obsessing.

Of course cut all the tags off his clothes, fan in the room in every season etc.

He was so sensitive and every day was so bad for him because he had no friends and kids made fun that I home schooled him to get him out of that awful school... .  then found a very small private school where the kids and teachers were more accepting of him.

One of the highlights of his youth was getting him into a traveling boys choir.  They sang all over the world and though he was only in it for a couple of years-going to all his performances was like going to all my nonds games.  It made him feel proud.

But you can only keep them home and sheltered for so long.  The world is so unaccepting of these kids and as he got older it got so much more difficult. 

That is when we realized that what worked before wasn't working anymore.

Though he has his moments he doesn't rage at us so much... .  he just says he feels empty.

Like that video "When love is not enough".

[JKN77]

In my research, which hasn't been for long, I keep coming across the belief by many that BPD can be caused by abuse, trauma, etc. The only thing I can think of that may have happened to my son is he was forceps delivered. He was never abused, physically, mentally or sexually, never had an accident to cause injury to the brain. Has never been abandoned or treated any different than all the rest of my kids. I even homeschooled for many years. I am a stay at home mom and always put my children first. He has been difficult for as far back as I can remember (my kids actually remember more than I do, all of them, including this son remember him being in time out a lot even before he was 8). I do however suspect that his paternal grandfather may have suffered from this also but was never diagnosed. 

It is easy to feel like I am to blame, the BPD son says so, the research insinuates. But honestly, I am frustrated and tiered of feeling guilty for something I really don't believe I created. Why do I keep racking my brain trying to remember something I may have done or said to make him feel unloved or abandoned to the point he would become like this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mandii]

Hi JKN77 I don't have any research or smarter people than me to quote for you. I know for my daughter, it was sexual abuse that was the trigger, but I also think (in my complete layman mind) that some people just have a mental illness... .  they are prone to it through maybe genetics or something like that. I know that we have not yet grazed the surface of the mind and our understanding of these things is almost vague sometimes.

You sound like a fantastic mother who loves her children dearly, has provided and cared for them as any loving mother would. Guilt is the worst of our emotions in my opinion, and I don't think you should let yourself be changed by it. My favourite saying these days is "It is what it is" and truth is, our children have this illness, whether through trauma or otherwise, and all we can do is learn about it, maintain or own sanity by doing what we can for them without letting ourselves be taken completely over by it.

First and foremost, love yourself and look after yourself... .  the best thing a child can have, whether they be grown or young, is a mother who is well, healthy and happy.

xxxxxx

[mamachelle]

Hi JKN77 and Mandii

 I think you both will find some great resources here right at the top of this board.

bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56210.0

You are both right in questioning the abuse and trauma cause for BPD as well as wondering about the role genetics play. You are not crazy and you are not guilty.

If you have time, take a look too at this video. I found it tremendously helpful.

Dr. Blaise Aguirre MD talking about Borderline Personality Disorder in adolescents and children

bpdfamily.org/2013/05/bpdfamily.html

Keep reading and keep searching and keep posting. We are here to help you find your way.

Mamachelle

[qcarolr]

The most important thing for me is to remember that there are multiple factors that can lead to BPD. It expresses in each individual in a unique pattern. This is why there are 9 criteria and only 5 are needed to apply this label to the actions and responses of the pwBPD. IMHO, trauma can increase the intensity and hasten the developmentment of BPD. Research shows that the areas of the brain that appear to be overactive or underactive with persons dx with BPD are similar to areas impacted by those dx with PTSD. Maybe this is what leads to this assumption from earlier theories of cause for BPD.

The other part for many parents here is that our kids seem to perceive or interpret things in very negative ways - even 'good' things sometimes. So what they remember as traumatic - or build intense skewed memories of as trauma or abuse - would not have effect others involved in the same way. This explains, at least for me, why siblings react so differently to the same situations.

And there are genetic factors too.  So many things can happen to an individual life along a lifetime - genetics present at conception; development in the womb; complications at birth; impacts of experiences in a lifetime. I avoid looking for a specific genrealized cause, and pay attention to what can be effective for me to do in a different way within my family. And this is where my experiences of support and knowledge here on this board has been so valuable.

Glad to have you here - keep coming back. We understand.

qcr  

[pattyt]

JKN77,

You did not cause it.  Allow yourself to realize this.  

I, also, homeschooled my dd/21 for 11 years.  She was loved, protected, nurtured.  There is no family history of emotional illness.

My dd has always been difficult.  She was born this way.  

I knew she was different.  Perhaps I could have responded to her in better ways, more sensitive to her different emotional needs, but she was never abused at any time.  I did the best I could with what I had.  I'm sure you did, as well.

Even with her high conflict personality, we managed to be OK with my dd at home.  Once she turned 18, proclaimed herself an adult, moved in with a munipulative bf, left a stable environment and entered an unstable one, her behavior worsened.  Perhaps that was the trauma that tipped her balance.

You are trying to find a logical answer to all this.  There is none.  

Don't saddle yourself with more pain by taking on misplaced guilt.  Take care of yourself and be strong.  Continue to show, by example, how one lives life.  Someday your son might need your strength and be ready to accept.  Then you will be strong enough to help him.

[JKN77]

Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate you and this board. Life can be so trying.

I remember once talking to my bishop about the trials in life. He said he heard that "if all the trials were in a hat and we were able to draw what we wanted out of that hat, we would end up drawing the ones we already have". I told him, "maybe, but I sure would like to take a look in that hat".

[pessim-optimist]

Hi everybody!  

The very fact that you truly ask yourself these questions proves that YOU ARE A LOVING PARENT.

Those are the first questions any loving parent will ask themselves. You do your best, and that's the best you can do.

Then there's the: "What could I have done differently"

You reflect, and if you can find something you could have done better, you try to learn from your mistakes. (nobody's a perfect parent, so there's always something to learn if we are open to it)

Then follows: "What can I do now" THAT'S AN IMPORTANT ONE.

Two books I have discovered lately are a tremendous help in building our understanding and skills in our relationship to people in general and incidentally to our children with BPD as well:

"Boundaries" by H. Cloud &  J.Townsend, and "I don't have to make everything all better" by G.&J.Lundberg

I think these two books are essential for us with children with BPD since they can help with so many practical skills in relating to our children in a way that builds-up and supports their soul and unique personality.

[exrookie]

First, let me say that I have been reading this board for a while now and have found many posts both helpful and comforting. I hadn't joined until now, reading this thread I really felt a need to reply.

My thoughts on "is it my fault" (oh boy have I beat myself up trying to figure that out!):

I wonder if the idea suffering trauma/bad parenting/abuse that lead to them having BPD comes mostly from self-reporting by those with BPD to psychiatrists and in studies? I know that in the case of my 23 year old daughter, during times when her symptoms are really bad she will tell anyone who will listen how awful and toxic her home life was and is... . but that's based on her version of events and reality, which isn't always even in the vicinity of being truthful or reality based.

I am not saying that there aren't people with BPD who have had trauma, but I don't think every person with BPD had trauma or parenting that caused their BPD.

BTW, is there somewhere here that lists all the acronyms? (what is a pwBPD?)

[lbjnltx]

Please see below the statistics from scientific studies:

The National Institute of Mental Health's view on the cause of BPD



Here is a link to some additional information on this:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17988414

so you are correct... . there are genetic components and a biological propensity for the development of the disorder.  In other words... . if abuse were the sole cause of the development of BPD then abused people would all have BPD and people who were not abused would never have BPD.  Of course neither of these statements are true.

Due to the hypersensitivity and emotional immaturity many pwBPD (people with BPD) experience situations as abusive even though they are not considered abusive according to normal standards.  That can be a difficult concept for us to grasp and accept.  It is their reality.  They report their reality as they experienced it... . often making false claims of abuse yet it is/was real enough to them.

P.S. It is customary for our new members to post an introduction on the New Member's Board here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=5.0 and I look forward to learning more about you and how to best support you here on the site.  For a list of acronyms take a look here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

Glad you are here!

lbjnltx

[Skip]

With respect to cause, this part of the article seems to get at the heart of the issue.  One has to be careful with blame and remember if the focus is "its not me", that is a type of blame.

Importance of Searching for Cause

If families are to be involved as a support system, there must be some plausible answers to their questions and their bewilderment. Some families will deny that anything exceptional happened in rearing the person with BPD. A few will say that their child rearing was benign, but that they later learned of sexual abuse by a hired caregiver or someone outside the family. Some will admit to having administered harsh punishments. But most simply cannot understand why there is a presumption of abuse so unbearable that it has led to such pathological behavior and misery in one of their children. The existing body of theory on the psychosocial antecedents of BPD presupposes a rearing history that many families simply do not recognize as damaging enough to lead to manipulation, fears of abandonment, self-mutilation, or attempted suicide. And they do not understand why their other children turned out so differently.

Moreover, there is apparent inconsistency in the findings that BPD is associated both with the presence of overly abusive parents and with no parents—with their actual loss through death, illness, or abandonment. Granted, children raised in foster homes are more likely to have experienced abuse, including sexual abuse, in these environments. However, these are not the caregivers who are willing to undergo family therapy or to belong to advocacy organizations to help their loved ones. These concerned and cooperative parents inevitably fluctuate between bewilderment, anger, and a guilt that is only dimly understood. There must be some explanation of their very different perception of events.

A second reason it is important to look for causality is that etiological theories inform and shape the treatment premises of individual psycho- therapy and family interventions. Regardless of caveats in their training, theories of defective parenting inevitably affect the attributions and attitudes of the mental health professionals who offer these interventions.

From Understanding and Treating BPD

[qcarolr]

Based on several things from my experiences in my life and from other's stories here and with other parents/grandparents in my community there are many paths to an individual living in the middle of the conflicts of BPD. The 9 criteria of this disorder show a clear picture of this. Living in the chaos of their lives must be traumatic in itself. The behaviorial aspects - often seen as some form of emotional dysregulation. The lacking sense of self - defined from psychological, societal or neurological/physiological perspectives.

All the points of view seem to be converging in the past few years. And there are treatments that seem to be providing improvement - for our  all pre-dbt children all the way into adulthood. Often the biggest roadblock for the person with BPD is for the them to choose to fully participate in treatment for the long term needed for stability and improvement. Most espcially those that act out in anger, rage, blaiming instead of acting in with self-injury, suicidal thoughts/actions, seeking support in the ER. One to two years seems to be a consistent time-frame in my readings about most treatments to lead to long term management and recovery.

There are many professionals that hold onto old theories of 'trauma' being the sole cause. And an out-dated and limiting definition of trauma.

All this study on my part leads me to the conclusion that, yes, my BPDDD27 does believe that she grew up being emotionally abused by dh and I. And for my part I have to accept responsibility that my best efforts to parent her were often invalidating. I was triggered by my own profile to react in anger toward her with threats of dire consequences if she did not pull herself together and follow the 'rules'. Stict behavior management techniques did not work. I was too angry to find the love/attachment based parenting tools that I have been reading about recently.

As I learn more about myself, take really good care of myself, seek out support in my family and community with safe people, and practice many of the skills and tools here at bpdfamily.com things get better. This healthier attitude within me allows me to let go of what others say to me that don't fit my new beliefs about my DD's path to BPD, and what may work for her if she chooses treatment for her BPD issues.

And practicing Radical Acceptance - DD is who she is, will be who she will be, that I am able to love her unconditionally, support her with validation as much as possible, protect my core values with good personal boudnaries does lead me toward HOPE.  I did not cause this disorder -- DD was born with a less resilient ability and high sensitivity to her world. Yes, even in my best efforts as a parent I could not provide an environment to prevent the triggering of what feels like trauma to her. It was lots of little things that built up in her, unresolvable as a child, dysfunctional coping strategies as a child, unkown to all her caregivers as a child... .

The important questions for me now is how to learn better parenting to support my gd8 in avoiding a similar path as her mom - and gd is learning new ways to cope with the traumas in her life and move on from them; how to support DD in choosing to reach out to the community as a young adult to get her basic safety needs met so she can choose treatment and then to persevere with treatment.

Finding blame for where each of my girls are today is pointless, leads to negative neurological feedback loops, and undermines all our abilites to find HOPE.

This is long -- I have been working on BPD understanding and skills since 2009 when DD was dx with BPD with psych and neuropsych eval.  I is still a roller coaster - she has refused to accept her need for treatment as it is all my fault. I am hoping I see a glimmer of hope that she is changing her attitude in this - again court ordered.

What do you all think? What have you read, experienced, learned that is changing the old paridym (how do you spell this word?) for parenting our BPDkids?

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pblsn2]

To DreamLight - i know your post was loong ago but i just now (fortunately) came across it.  two words - thank you.  the most relieving post i've seen since i joined.  i now hate the phrase "strong willed" and "difficult" child.

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am working on my maternal guilt over my BPDD in my own therapy. Yet my own therapist hints at things I may have done to bring this on my BPDD - maybe enmeshment, abuse, unstable home life etc etc... She's delicately asked all these things over past year or so.

I am so SICK OF IT! How many of you have just Stopped Talking about your BPD children to all your friends and family just because you are SICK OF BEING BLAMED! Yet many of us here - fathers are ABSENT!

I HATE the way society destroys Mothers! Look at all the cases in the news - the Columbine shooters, the Adam Lanza case, the Denver theater shootings, it's ALWAYS MOM's FAULT! We CANNOT accept this! It is an assault on women and motherhood and it is complete B.S.!

When my own husband was alive - he blamed me too. I met with one of his "friends" for lunch the other day and she asked about my BPDD - I told the truth - that she had attempted suicide a few years ago - she said "Well she learned that from you didn't she?" What the heck? I almost slapped her - really - the rage was hard to control.

My BPDD is 34 years old - like many of us here - I have nearly bankrupted myself trying to provide some treatment that will help. I have also tried tough love with restraining orders and calling police. I have paid for her college, bought her a car, sent her "abroad" for "studies", done much more than most of the "mother accusers" likely would have done.

Even if there was abuse (which there wasn't and I have probed her more times than I can remember in case she suffered in silence) she is 34 years old - she has had so many opportunities for therapy - it is her responsibility to work it out.

This is logical as I type it, yet I will oscillate back to guilt I am sure in 24 hours or so because there is no one supporting us mothers - just blaming. No one I can call to help me help her. Of course I would not have had children had I known this was possible outcome - an mental illness with no cure.

My own youngest daughter - at 21 - says she will never have children seeing the outcome with her sister - both had same parents, same upbringing - yet her sister will likely never be well. Why is this my fault?

Why is this BPD the fault of any sane, non abusive mother?

Dear Society - Please Stop Blaming Us! Try helping us instead!

[hopeangel]

I cannot count the number of times I have been speaking to a CPN of my DD and felt slightly wrong-footed, not that anything was directly said just a tone or an implication that there may have been issues in our past relationship - except there weren't and the only problems I ever experienced were when she had one of her episodes due to HER illness, why would anyone be 'to blame' for an illness?

I feel like screaming 'HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS STUFF ITS IMPORTANT!' but I never say anything because at the end of the day I need their help for dd don't I?  

Anyway take heart from the fact we are all in this together - it is explained in the Valerie Porr book, It seems that these issues are finally being brought to the fore, but how long before the system 'catches on' I wonder!

[Pizzas123]

I know my maternal guilt sometimes at low points with DD  is overwhelming.  

I wrack my brain for things I may have done to cause daughter's BPD.  

My husband doesn't suffer from worries about what he did wrong at all, though.  He says we did everything for her, we were kind and loving, it's not our fault - end of subject.

I think it's a female thing, this blame and guilt we put on ourselves, even when it's probably undeserved.  Most of us feel it, I wish I didn't, it accomplishes nothing.  

[Elbry]

MY maternal guilt comes in because when she was a baby I struggled with alcoholism.  I drank heavily for a year when she was about 18 months to 2 and half and then I got sober and have been sober since.  So that is the only possible thing I can think of, of any neglect or anything in her past.  Then I beat myself up because I left her dad when she was 4 and I worked full-time as a single mom.  12-hour shifts in the nursing field so some nights I didn't get home until 7:30-8.  Her memories are of me being gone a lot.  

I have to echo what has been written, why should anyone be to blame for this?  Perhaps in some cases it is the result of abuse and or neglect or some other trauma and in some cases there is no cause.  It just is.  

[Rapt Reader]

Our children with BPD saw and felt things differently than we did, and because of that we could have inadvertently acted or reacted in ways that made things harder (or worse) for them. We may not have done it on purpose, but it happened. Our hearts were in the right places, but it happened. We didn't treat them any differently than our other, non-BPD children (or maybe we did, because our BPD children were different, and we felt we needed to do things differently with them), but it happened.

I realize now--now that I've read every LINK to the right-hand side of this page, and "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr, and many other books--that I could've parented my BPD son when he was a child in a better, different way that could've minimized his troubles. But, I don't beat myself up for it, because I didn't know. I just didn't know, and I was "dancing as fast as I could" to just get from one day to the next with my family intact.

But, not beating myself up over it doesn't mean I'm not aware of the mistakes I made and the opportunities for validation with him that I could have taken. My goodness... . He is 37 years old now, and I didn't learn any of these things till April of 2013! Of course I made mistakes, and could have done better. Do I struggle with guilt? Yes... . I grieve for the things I didn't know, the decisions I made that were made with faulty thinking because of the things I didn't know. But today, I know enough to not dwell on the guilt and grief, and to take things one day at a time with him, just like he is with his own recovery.

Getting angry at a world that doesn't understand what we've dealt with our whole parental lives with our BPD kids is normal; but moving past that anger and getting to the point where we can be aware of what we did that we would do differently now, is healthy and empowering in a way. Please check out:

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Radical Acceptance for family members.

Check out every single LINK to the right-hand side of this page if you haven't already. We don't need to accept the blame of the world, we don't need to agree with those who think we have been awful Moms, we don't need to accept the guilt that others may want to accuse us of. But giving ourselves the understanding of our child's disorder, and realizing what we need to do differently to help them recover if possible, is a very empowering thing.

And accepting that these children were not like other children--young or older when their BPD surfaced--and needed a different type of parenting than we were aware of at the time, isn't admitting guilt or culpability. It's being honest with ourselves, and then we can move on to a better way of dealing with our children now, with self-respect and self-empowerment. Because without that, things would feel hopeless, no? We are all good Moms, or else we wouldn't be here, trying to figure things out and learn how to improve our lives, and the lives of our kids. 

[peaceplease]

I think that it was once thought of that BPD came from basically bad mothering.  Neglect or abuse.  It was for that reason that I pushed that diagnosis aside.  It is too bad because it is when my daughter was 17, and I still had some control.  I wish that I would have found a site like this when my dd was younger.  I would have definitely looked at BPD further. 

Elbry - Wow, you sound just like me.  I left my ex-husband when my kids were very young.  My ds was 3, and my dd was 10 months old.  I re-married when they were teens.(something I would never recommend.  Is to marry when your kids are in their teens.)  My ds was 17, and my dd was 15.  And, I was a nurse working 3 doubles a week.  And, on my days off, I was delirious.  My dd will tell people that it was so easy to be sneaky when she was in high school because I was never home.  That does not sound good!  And, her step dad was home in the evenings. 

When I was in therapy, my former therapist told me that she speculates that my ex-husband is BPD and my dd inherited the gene.  And, I was hospitalized when she was only 2, and there was her abandonment.  Also, had quite a few periods of hospitalizations for auto-immune illness while raising my kids.   


And, there have been a few times that my dd said that it is not my fault that my kids are screwed up.  She says that her dad's side of the family is screwed up, and that I didn't deserve what I got.  OTOH, she will tell me that it is my fault that she is messed up because I pick horrible men, and she takes after me.  But, she will never see a man that my gs does not like.  She will always choose my gs.  So, to her, I chose to marry my dh, so I abandoned her.   

[mggt]

I so understand this feeling, just had a big blow out with my dd has she stormed out the door with my gd.  I feel so guilty and yet I did nothing wrong .  Its this mental illness so hard to deal with .  Everytime I hear people talking about how wonderful there kids are and people always say "thats a testiment to the parents they did such a good job" makes me sick we did a good job too its not our fault its this damn illness .   

I

[woodsposse]

The only thing I found a bit of discomfort with in the post is the apparent disregard of the Paternal Guilt.  I don't have the stats, but... . that doesn't matter.  God knows I was there.  I got my kids away from my first ex (who has serious problems and put my children through hell), and they lived with me through adulthood.

I didn't know at the time the profound effect their life with their bio-mom would come to have on them in the household I set up with my second wife.  Things were fine at first... . but as they got older things really started to get messy.  Not just with the kids, but with my second wife.  That dynamic made things really "bad" in the house - and probably helped guide two of my kids down a path I regret clearing for them.

We all do things the best we know how at the time.  We do better when we learn better.

Personally, I don't give a rats fat backside what society thinks about what I did in my house.  They weren't there.  No one was in my house guiding me with their superior learnedness to guide my family down a prime rosed path.  So... . who cares what they think.

The only thing I want to know it - what are you going to do about it now?

What has happened has happened - and can't be changed.  So get over the guilt.  What do you want to do now? 

Continue to provide as much help as possible to your child so she can improve... . or set your boundaries on what you can and cant do and help her to the water, if she drinks she drinks.  If not - you did all you could do?

This part starts and ends with you. 

If I knew then what I know now would I have been able to do things different?  Yes.

If I knew then what I know now would I have done things different?  Mostly yes.

But some things I probably would have done the same if it was in their best interest and I sought a positive outcome. 

But we can't know then what we know now.  Not unless you have a blue telephone booth.