Is this all my fault? Did I cause this?

[Rlsmith2]

I read this article and found it interesting. I have twins both raised I the same environment one has Major Mood Depressive Order, anxiety and BPD, the other is fine. My daughter is the one affected. Her fathers side has a history of mental healt issues and so does mine. She was always the sensitive child and had frequent temper tantrums. I sought help when she was very young and quite honestly I was told she was borderline ODD and to be firmer with her. I raised my kids a single parent in the military so life was stressful and sometimes a bit chaotic. I was also young and had a lot anxiety myself. Looking back I realize now this contributed to her now.

So, I am still making some mistakes even now and I'm just trying to do my best and not feel so guilty. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Such a interesting topic I think we all feel guilt even if our children are so called normal it is the hardest job in the world

my personal feeling that is brain based they were born that way and im sure there family up bringing could have made

the BPD worse or better but we did everyting humanly possible to get our child help .  This illness still seems to be fairly

new no one talks about it because what you read on line would scare god himself the brain is so vast so much more

to learn and personally Im sick to death of hearing the majority is how they were raised .  I think it has to do with genes

however long ago they go back.  Some children are born with brown eyes but ... .both parents have blue eyes   

maybe generations ago who know maybe we will never know considering how compicated the brain really is but for

this parent I do my best have enough guilt to last several generations and I do not believe we had anything to do with

her illness .  So for all of us be mindful of what you read and just do your best and pat yourself on the back to know

your are doing all the right things ... .  mggt

im s

[qcarolr]

One principle I try to keep in mind for both my DD28 and gd9 is their lack of resilience and self-reflection. This is part of the temperament they are born with - genetic. There is a trauma response that other kids do not get in same situation. This can be so confusing for the care-givers in the child's life.

So my belief is that we do the best we can as parents, we all make mistakes, some kids respond with anxiety and fear much greater than other kids. This is real to me as an influence from experiences from childhood. It is so unfair and painful when we are 'blamed' as parents.

Also, as we learn how behavior works, how our psycho-neurology works and how they are intertwined there is recovery available at ANY AGE. Our brains are flexible and new pathways can be created that lead to better behaviors and values. I believe it is up to the those that love to learn and practice new knowledge and then they can model and teach this to others in effective ways.

This is the greatest gift this board has brought into my life - tools that work when I can put them into action

qcr

[FaithHopeLove]

I keep reading about how BPD is associated with bad parenting. But my husband and I are good parents and judging by what I see here most if not all members of this group are good, loving parents. So what is up? Are we the exceptions to the rule or what?

[zachira]

Parents do not choose their children and children do not choose their parents. How your child turns out is a combination of factors both biological and environmental. There are many people who post here who are not bad parents; they have done everything possible to help their children, yet the children are still not doing well. Some people are born with severe mental illness; there is always hope that things can get better, and sometimes the first step is to let our grown child take responsibility for their decisions, after we have done everything we can to steer them on the right course. Can you tell us more about the situation with your child and how we can help? You are courageous to reach out and ask questions that are not easy to ask. Certainly you love your child and wish only the best for your child.

[Huat]

Oh FaithHopeLove, if I could only tell you how many times my husband and I have had this same conversation!

We have a 40-yr history behind us of dealing with our uBPD daughter's hurtful behaviours, starting when she first ran away at age 12.  Then we jumped in to be surrogate parents to her babies (both "surprises" who were the precious-loves-of-our-lives)... .supporting her as she fought custody battles with each of the grandchildren's fathers... .giving monies in the 5-figure range.  Well, I could go on and on.

All the while, she grew up with stable parents.  We never squabbled in front of our children... .kept our disagreements private.   We practiced our faith with our children and then our grandchildren when we were their surrogate parents.

Many-a-time we have seen what has happened in other families... .grandparents saying they refuse to be babysitters, broken homes, keeping their wallets closed... .yet, we see those families today living lives so different from ours.

We are in yet another period of no-contact with our daughter... .this time it is us holding the door closed... .but keeping a window open.  Because her anger towards me was escalating to the point of unprintable verbal abuse after I refused to give more money, she has been told we next meet in a counsellor's office.  I am 75.  What could come next?

So with all that said, my husband and I are confident in our thinking that we have been good parents... .doing the best we could... .doing better when we knew better.  Had we been armed with all the information that is available now on how to better deal with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours, perhaps I would not be here with you... .well... .perhaps.

Finding this forum and then participating on/in it has really been a life-saver for me.   It made me face up to what is... .IS!  This 40-year-long dysfunctional relationship with our daughter was going to continue... .until I veered off and shed the role of victim-to-her-bully.  I have worked hard on empowering myself and I like the feeling.  Mostly, that is the message I try to send to others here as I respond to their posts... .get educated on this terrible mental disease... .put your knowledge to work... .but make sure to look after yourselves first!  More and more the sorry I feel is for my daughter... .less and less for me.

You are right, FaithHopeLove, when you write... ."We were not bad parents."

Looking forward to sharing more with you as we forge ahead.  It really will be a long journey so let us get as comfortable as we can.

Huat

[Skip]

Have you seen this educational popup? I think it a good read.
Did I cause this (popup)  It was offline for a while as we updating some of the software. It's now here:


This is the oldest and longest discussion on this board. I think it is this most challenging question we all face.

The older literature tags BPD to abusive home life. But like any disorder or disease, the cases seen in the earliest years of discovery are the most severe.  As time goes on, and the profession is better at identifying people with the problem (either earlier stage or less severity), the clinical perspective changes.

So is it possible that your parenting style was ineffective or damaging enough to lead to the manipulation, fears of abandonment, self-mutilation, or attempted suicides?

Most experts will tell a concerned caregiver that wasn't abusive (40-50%) "no, you are not the cause of the illness" and "yes, you likely did things that were harmful to a child with a BPD predisposition".

We had special needs kids (or parents, or spouses). We didn't know it.

[wendydarling]

Thanks for bumping up this article Skip.

FaithHopeLove I've asked the same question, my 30DD has been through DBT (diagnosed at 26)we talk, I'm still learning with you all. BPD is a broad spectrum and as you'll read more than often co-morbid with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, psychosis, OCD ……. As Skip says we had special needs children, often without realising, , they can be high achievers at school, college, uni, work have great friendships and relationships (my DD), to parents recognise their child is struggling at a young age and are right out there in the medical field trying to help their child, for years and years on end, DEEP RESPECT  

When my DD talks to me about BPD, she shares she did not learn the skills she needed (this is what she's learnt through DBT), at a young age, those are the skills she's since learnt in DBT 2016, she's now on a refresher DBT course to keep her skills fresh. She's not blamed me (yet), she's trying to work it out, she regularly talks how school, uni, work was so challenging (she struggles with Executive Function), behaviours of others, the stress to perform, she felt blind sided. Think of a dyslexia and other specials needs, before it was recognised and supported, accepted socially, emotionally and academically. Without stigma, attached.

Who is going next, jump in  

[jones54]

I don’t believe I have ever felt guilty that I was the cause of my DD having BPD. She was difficult starting around age12. Of course I just felt it was “normal” teenager behavior since I had an older sister who I watched give our parents so much grief as a teen (she turned out great). We tried early on for our daughter to see a therapist but we were only told she had ODD (oppositional defiant disorder... .whatever that is). It even took a while to understand she had an addiction problem when she was a teen. I do wish I knew about BPD sooner. Yes, I would have been much better at validation and not getting so angry. But I won’t blame myself. We did not ignore her difficulties. She has seen more therapists than anyone I know and I sent her to the best rehab facilities around the country. I suspect early on when you find out the diagnosis you have a tendency to feel guilty. But the more you educate yourself, the better you understand most mental health issues with people just happen ( some do have a genetic connection). Yes, with addiction there can be genetic predisposition but again this is something that you have no control over.
As difficult as it is to have a child with BPD, I feel the last thing we need to do is get into a feeling of guilt. We are all handed the cards we get to play in life. The issue is not the cards you get but how you are going to play them.

[Turkish]

My son is 8 now.  When he was 6, he was diagnosed as ASD1, what they used to call Asperger's.  I noticed traits by the time he was 2. I used to call him Baby Rainman. He's still a whiz at math. 

1.5 years ago, my mother lived with us for a few months.  One day we were driving back from his sister's ballet.  My son had a meltdown in the car on the 3 mile drive home,  crying,  screaming. When he started kicking my seat I got pissed, grabbed his leg and yelled "knock it off!" He screamed louder "I WANT ICE CREAM!"

We got home and I sent him to his room.  20 minutes later,  he worked through it and was right as rain. My mom fled the house for two hours into a light rain.  She returned soaking wet. 

A few nights later,  we were on the back porch talking and she said, "the problem with kids these days is that parents aren't hard enough on them!" I knew she was criticizing me.  All I could think was "thank God I didn't have ASD!" My mother's parenting style would have ruined me,  and it would ruin my boy.  . I'm not saying anything about the parents here,  but only talking about my family. My mother also has BPD, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I can tell the difference between him and his sister.  She can turn it off abruptly.  My son really loses control.  Though I try to keep discipline consistent, he needs more validation and space. He's almost 9, getting closer to puberty and hormones. 

I'm not perfect either.  He messed up his sister's craft necklace twice in an hour the other night.  I handled it ok the first time,  but the second time I let my anger get the better of me because D6 was crying. I yelled at him and I slammed a cabinet door after he went to his room.  Not one of my better moments.  He was angry at me until he fell asleep,  but he was ok the next morning. 

I often forget, because I see him as a kid without a Dx, that he does have special needs as was mentioned early in this thread.  He even told me once, "I like daddy's house better because I don't get in trouble as much like I do at mommy's house."  I don't want his opinion to switch, but I still have to be a parent not only to him,  but also to D6.

[once removed]

i think a lot of us on every board ask the same question: "is this all my fault?" "did i cause this?". the members on Detaching for example, ask this all the time.

all children are unique, and all parents have a parenting style, and there is no such thing as perfect in either case. inevitably, the two will clash at times.

in my experience, blame is not constructive, but understanding is critical, especially going forward. understanding can change our relationships with our sons and daughters for the better, in real and lasting ways.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mama D]

I so wish to say no, it is not all your fault, or my fault. And yet  based on what I have read so for it is possible that you and I did things or said things that resulted in our children having BPD.
Feels awful, but being a part of the solution gives me hope.

[Etsy]

ljnltx,  I really relate to the highly sensitivity child. My DD was mainly a happy baby, very willful/determined  challenging (or would that be focused!), anyway just about manageable   but with a very sensitive   soul, and a very sensory person... first to get shoes and socks off, to feel the grass or the sand between her toes, to roll in the leaves, quiet fearless ... first up a tree, whilst the boys below asked her how she got up there, very much run before she could walk.  
in fact she practical did! I spent years chasing after her, as a toddler. It was always on her terms,  could not put reins on her, as she would just lie down! (hindsight... were these signs of impulsivity and risk taking)
When DD was about 9 or 10 I read a book raising your spirited child, which at that time was the only book that I could identify with. I think that there are people out there who have a very heighten sensory system and are like the canaries in the mine, they pick up and detect the finest of details, way before others. The depth of feeling my DD had as a young child growing up, would truly just blow me away. So many many highly tuned senses. I remember the first time i feed raspberries to DD, her eyes literally nearly popped out of her head (I could see the whites of her eyes)  ... at the time I thought it was funny but it was something she had not experienced before, the same thing happened when I put her on a Fisher Price swing at 6 months old that lit up. I think the fact that we are in this forum, means that we all care, i am not sure that blameing ourselves (maybe if I had done this or that etc) helps us. There is no rule book ... but we do care and are doing the best we can... I hope ! And hopefully by sharing information on here we can begin to make a difference in our lives and our loved ones ... so much easier said than done ! Takecare Etsy

[TurtleMurtle]

My daughter was well behaved. Quiet. When she was younger.  When puberty hit, she was emotionally a beast. Mean, lied, snuck around, physically and verbally abusive to me.  Yet she was a Straight A student.  Involved in many clubs. Went on to college, full ride.  She never got into any trouble with drugs or the law. Now after therapy she is much kinder to me but really struggles in personal intimate relationships.  She has cycles and really gets bad when things change. She can't hold a job to save her life.  She goes to therapy, but stops when things are good.  Which is the worst time for her to stop. Has been in various abusive relationships (both ways) as an adult. As soon as I sensed something wrong as a pre teen she was in therapy. I had so many therapists tell me it isn't my fault. I'm a good parent.   I think something happened in the puberty stage. Like a switch. Its been a hard road. She gets therapy and has good progress.  It is like two steps forward and three steps back sometimes. I dont think in many cases its the parents who cause it. Nope. They used to say mothers caused autism and we now know thats a big lie.

[Lost4Words]

My daughter was well behaved. Quiet. When she was younger.  When puberty hit, she was emotionally a beast. [...] I think something happened in the puberty stage. Like a switch.

We had the same experience with our daughter. Something happened during puberty: we thought it was teenage rebellion and would sort itself out, but it didn't. This article recently came up on my news feed:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/01/200129104705.htm

However, the brain regions that are important for more advanced social skills, such as being able to imagine how someone else is thinking or feeling (so-called theory of mind), showed a very different pattern of change. In these regions, connections were redistributed over the course of adolescence: connections that were initially weak became stronger, and connections that were initially strong became weaker.

It makes me wonder whether in people whose BPD started in puberty, rather than earlier in childhood, something went wrong with these brain changes.

TurtleMurtle: it's good that your daughter has made progress through therapy. Where we live, therapy for BPD is not available, and now that our daughter is living in a different country where she might be able to get help, she is an adult and refuses to admit that anything might be wrong. It's her family who are horrible to her, and she sees no connection between our withdrawal from her life and the way she has treated us. She has close friends and believes that they are lovely people, much nicer than her family - for all I know, they may well be, but I suspect that it is rather  because the friends haven't seen her destructive side.

[holyangels]

I had a similar experience with my daughter. She was a very sensitive child. She had traits of BPD which we were not aware off. We thought she was lazy, stubborn and careless. So our parenting style was not helping her in any way and it was only aggravating the problem. This guilt made me so depressed, that I have to seek the help of a counsellor. We as parents try to give the best we can to our children. That is what it counts and the rest is not in our hands.

Things started going out of hand once she reached puberty. We found it difficult to manage her, it was only recently we found out that she has BPD. The path to recovery is going to be full of challenges but I am sure with positivity, hope, faith and patience we all will be able to find a light at the end of the tunnel.

[PurplePeople]

Certainly everyone at one point or another feels it is their fault. I did at the beginning.  Along with all that people have said has been the soul searching of thinking that what I/we did was nothing out of the ordinary for another family situation, but caused lasting effects.  It is knowing that what you did may be acceptable at large, but not in one's particular family situation.  That is really troublesome for me and my family.

[Thebigyellow]

Reading through these posts is so enlightening. I am seeing a lot of correlations. Fortunately there is now research being conducted on BPD presenting co-morbid with autism.

I too have wondered how I went so wrong raising her (my BPD daughter) and why her sister and brother do not have BPD. When I read through the stories on this post, I see similar experiences. My daughter was always sensitive to fabrics, light, and ticking noises like clocks. She had quirky ways. She was head strong. She was very independent. She is highly intelligent. She had a very active imagination. As a young mother, I read everything I could about parenting. I thought a lot of stuff was “normal”. Terrible twos, teenage angst, skipped nap, “hangry”. In hindsight, I would have gotten early interventions. I didn’t fully understand there was a problem. I didn’t understand the social problems. In school, she was academically above her peers, but socially seemed light years behind. She always had black and white thinking. Nuance, sarcasm, facial expressions, social cues were lost on her. She is 30 now, but I highly suspect she is on the spectrum for autism. She always had a very rigid sense of justice. Others said she was vengeful or revenge seeking, but I don’t think that’s how she is. To her it isn’t revenge, it’s justice. As for emotionally sensitive? Oh yeah, I can remember her entering a room at like 3 years old in a panic asking, “what’s happening, what’s going on?” because she heard loud voices or a certain tone in someone’s voice. Loud voices does not equal anger, but she has a hard time with nuanced things. It could just be someone retelling a story using appropriate inflections. It happened all the time. She was very worried about locking the car doors or her sisters seatbelt being correctly placed. Yes, even at 3 years old, she was mommying me, chiding me about safety of the baby. Was my dismissal of her concerns come off as invalidating? Today, I can understand this.  She often seemed to me to be a cross between nervous rabbit and pit bull. I see now that she was emotionally sensitive. I remember waking up to find all of my clocks in the yard. She couldn’t stand the ticking noise. Still, I chalked it up to the idea that everyone has some oddities, hers are no more odd than mine or her dads, just different. My younger daughter doesn’t have BPD but she still (27 y.o.) won’t let any foods touch on her plate, doesn’t mix food, and can’t have tags on her clothes. I just thought, “people are different and no one is the same.” I didn’t see this as a precursor to BPD. I never even heard of BPD. I sometimes saw insecurity as jealousy between siblings. My point is, I know there was no great trauma. I know I made mistakes, but I also know that I did the best I could. I know I was loving and touchy/feely and affectionate. I wasn’t cold, but I was sarcastic and funny. I did not know that my sarcasm was interpreted as invalidating. Others laughed and got the joke. It was never personal or attacking, but I understand now that pwBPD can interpret sarcasm very differently.

Also I am wondering: Have others with children with BPD also notice highly advance verbal skills?

[livednlearned]

Fortunately there is now research being conducted on BPD presenting co-morbid with autism

I'm curious about the comorbidity of autism and BPD too, though I've found it hard to find research on it. Do you recommend any articles in particular?

[Thebigyellow]

I'm curious about the comorbidity of autism and BPD too, though I've found it hard to find research on it. Do you recommend any articles in particular?

Here are some:

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Goeran_Ryden/publication/228478050_Borderline_personality_disorder_and_Autism_Spectrum_Disorder_in_females_-_A_cross-sectional_study/links/0c960519dc1328610a000000/Borderline-personality-disorder-and-Autism-Spectrum-Disorder-in-females-A-cross-sectional-study.pdf

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0184447

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0010440X18300026

www.lib-edpsy.alzahra.ac.ir/documents/10157/42546/223.full.pdf

“ Pelletier described two cases of Asperger’s syndrome that were initially diagnosed as BPD, and he speculated that “many adolescent and adult patients who have received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder might have a subtle form of Asperger’s disorder”

https://researchbank.acu.edu.au/fhs_pub/4805/

This one is looking at specific genes but not just specific to BPD and autism, but looking at links between Aspergers and several early onset neuropsychiatric disorders.

This one is particularly interesting and from 2020:
https://journals.rcni.com/mental-health-practice/evidence-and-practice/differentiating-between-borderline-personality-disorder-and-autism-spectrum-disorder-mhp.2020.e1456/abs

I’m not sure if you can read the full articles, but I can download the PDFs and email any of them if interested in reading beyond the abstract.

Also, for anyone wondering about birth order, there is interesting research on that as well. My BPD daughter is the oldest sibling.

I guess I’d just like it to be known that while extreme trauma in early childhood is linked to BPD, there are just far too many of us that did not have that happen to our children. The early research suggesting it’s always the mom’s fault causes more problems and is not helpful. I get pwBPD want answers. It’s easy to assign fault but maybe there are other reasons. It’s the refrigerator mom excuse all over again.

[livednlearned]

Thank you for all the links! We seem to have an abundance of comorbid ASD/BPD in my blended family.

-Step son (21) diagnosed ASD (exhibits BPD traits)
-Step daughter (23) whose T in confidence suggested ASD (exhibits many BPD traits)
-My son (18) whose psychiatrist suspects ASD.

All kids have a BPD parent. Step kids have a BPD mother. My son has a BPD father.

Based on a forensic evaluation of my son's father during our custody battle, my son's psychiatrist wonders about possible ASD dx (father seemingly incapable of understanding the emotional lives of significant people in his life).

The DSM criteria are essentially items on a list of possible symptoms necessary for empirical research purposes (the original intent of the DSM), so I can see how someone might look at symptomatic behavior and then get to the dx from there, without starting at ASD and looking for ineffective behaviors, many that popped up in response to "wrong planet" type of experiences, like being highly sensitive to touch, sound, light.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[msleah]

Wow, so many of the posts on here resonated with me. I don't know how to begin.

I've been blaming myself for my daughter's BPD since she received her diagnosis a couple of years ago. So much of what I've read in online articles tends to put the blame on parents, and, often, mothers are held to a higher standard than fathers.

I've been estranged from my own daughter for a couple of months. Not long, but it seems like an eternity. She cut off communication after an online argument. As you can imagine, it was a doozy. She blamed me for her BPD and said she had to go to intensive DBT for it.

I have no way of proving it, of course, but when she started using words like "invalidate", interspersed with "you always do this" and "you never do that" statements, I had the impression that she had been coached by her counselor to initiate estrangement. It was like she had been waiting for the chance, and I gave it to her.

How prevalent is the attitude that BPD is caused by parental abuse/neglect amongst DBT professionals in the psychoanalytical community? I have to wonder. The tide seems to be shifting, but slowly.

The "highly sensitive child" certainly described my daughter growing up. She evolved into an angry, stormy adolescent, but that didn't strike me at the time as abnormal. Her stepdad and I were both in a lot of denial, but I don't think we were bad parents. If I'd had any way of knowing how to parent a highly sensitive child, I certainly would have done things differently.

Also, I have another child (male, 6 years older) who does not have BPD. He had some struggles in his early 20s (he's 30 now) but he's much more of an analytical, cognitive type, and he worked through those issues. He's married to a brilliant woman and has a great job. When I told him of my daughter's estrangement, he seemed genuinely puzzled. "I don't think you're a bad mom or a bad person at all," he said.

There's so much to take in. And I still feel guilty, like I should have at least been more aware of my daughter's problems before they had the chance to escalate. And to think she accused me of never once thinking about how my behavior affects her...I know, that's the BPD talking, but it's so hard.

[sephirathome]

Thanks to everyone for this thread. There are a lot of links and books mentioned that I now want to absorb. I deal with everything by trying to read and watch as much as I can as fast as I can, until I feel like I've gained all my brain can take.

I have been questioning everything I did or did not do. Right now, it feels like nothing I do is right to him, and I know that none of the doctors I talked to understood what was going to happen when he grew up. He was good at masking his Asperger's, and he was good at hiding all his major depressions, but over the last few years, he's changed. Maybe his masks have slipped. The intense but relatively easily soothed child I remember is gone. Now, I feel like I have to be careful that I don't get sucked into any games he's playing in his attempts to get validation and to feed what appears to be a very deep well of insecurities. I feel like he's completely looking for someone to place all the blame for his actions so he doesn't have to do any work to try to help himself. Sometimes he puts it all on one of us parents, and then sometimes, he turns it all inward.

None of this is 100% accurate. I know this, but it feels like it's all my fault. Since I spent my childhood and some adulthood as a scapegoat, I have to work through a lot of that and make sure it doesn't play out with him. I don't want to further any effects of his disorder by caving in to being just a punching bag. I also don't want to shy away from where I have f'd up. It's a tightrope walk, and I'm exhausted right now.

Anyway, thank you for this thread.

[Elsie62]

I've briefly read through a few posts on this thread and will go back and read sequentially over the next few days, but OMG why did it take me so long to find a support group for parents?  I suppose I didn't think such a thing existed because the relationship I had with D32 was unique to me.  How wrong was I?
My daughter was the sweetest little girl, quick at walking, talking and potty training.  Real sunshine.  Then around 12 she began to change, adolescence we thought (karma for me) but when she was 15 it came out about certain abuses taking place at her dad's home, and that's when the real issues began.  I found out when I got home early from an aborted work meeting and found her in her bedroom cutting, and downing a bottle of gin, and she finally told me.  The first real jab at me was blaming me for 'not knowing' and it spiralled downwards from there.  I took a year out of work to support her through the final year of school, she failed her exams but still got into college to do theatre studies, and went on to Uni.  I got calls from police because she'd disappeared and was found in a town with a knife, she got pregnant and miscarried a few times, the 2nd time she lost the baby, I travelled 4 hrs to see her at hospital only to have the door literally slammed in my face when I arrived.  I had to turn around and go home without speaking to her. 
And so it's gone on.  She's never outwardly been angry towards her abuser, or her dad (who discharged any parental responsibilities around the time of the abuse situation, so is totally out of the picture) but she has constantly torn me apart.
Even 15yrs later she regurgitates everything I did, or didn't do since she was a child.  She lived in Aus for 5 years with her now husband, and she has thrown me out of her home in the middle of Sydney; her husband is totally loyal to her and sees me as the ogre I am.  She is highly anxious and I fear she is instilling her anxieties into her 3yo.  She believes he is either Autistic, ADHD, Gay, trans - depending on the day! You name it, he has a label (all of which are absolutely fine if true, but at the moment he's just a regular 3 yo in my eyes!)
Because we live in separate countries we skype which ends in tears 8/10; or I go to visit and it ends in arguments and more tears (the last time before Christmas was when her daughter was born and was in ICU. The stress was naturally and understandably unbearable,  but all anger was set firmly at my door; if I went to hug my D it was shrugged off, if I got tearful at seeing the littlun on CPAP I was shouted at in front of nurses etc)   What starts as normal and steady downgrades rapidly to the most awful situation, and now just last week when they came to me for what should have been a lovely week in the sun, became fraught with tension, broodiness, bitchiness until she finally ignored me altogether for the last few days.  The 'icing' on the cake is when after I had a little conversation with my 3yo g/s about flying back to UK in Oct for his birthday (which I've never missed even in Aus) my son in law had a go at me for 'manipulating' his son by talking about seeing him on his birthday without asking him or my daughter first!  I was stunned, as the penny dropped that they had obviously discussed cutting me out of their life when they went back to UK. 
So sorry if I'm going on too much, but I feel like I need to expel everything that's been building up in me.  There's so much inside, and I'm holding on to my own mental health right now...  Seeing what other parents are going through has realised I'm not on my own, not that I'd wish this on anyone.

[BlueGill]

I struggle with this constantly and events that I should have handled different play over and over in my head.

I was not a perfect parent.  She was a difficult child, the classic Strong Willed Child.  There were times I would yell and her.  In hindsight I should not have yelled and should have taken a more validating approach.  I had no support as a parent, even from my husband.  Everyone always told me that she was just spoiled.  And she was emotionally spoiled.  I was there for her every minute of the day as a stay at home mother. We had a great relationship when she was in middle school, then high school came along and she was bullied for the way she looks and things went downhill from there.  But I was always there for her, even when she was nasty and mean (she verbally abuses me).  I should have set more boundaries.  I really wish I had an instruction manual and knew about BPD back then.  She is my only child (she was such a difficult baby, I didn't want to go through that again) so I have no comparison.  I do see other friends with kids who were yellers (i could hear my neighbor yelling from two houses away! LOL) and who would cut their kids down, etc, and their kids are fine.  I never called her names or cut her down. My own mother would call us spoiled brats and say I was ugly, etc, and I am fine without BPD. In hindsight I can see that my mother said those things out of extreme stress (she was a single mother). So I am torn between feeling like I wasn't a good enough parent (although I know in my gut I was) and feeling like I can't handle all this guilt anymore.

[Big M]

At some point, we all need to realize the pointlessness of this "nature vs. nurture" debate and just forgive ourselves and try to do better if and when we can.  Since the vast majority of BPD children are raised by the same people who gave them their genes- I think research to determine the true cause is bound to be ultimately fruitless.  I would add that the number of professional therapists who give up on, or refuse to treat, BPD patients is pretty telling. If the professionals give up on them, how are parents who share the genetic and environmental legacy supposed to do better? I doubt there are any parents on here who didn't do their best with what they had.  We have two children, one of them hates us and thinks we were terrible parents.  The other loves us and thinks we did just fine. We did our very best, but we just didn't have the tools or ability to do better.  We read the books, we got her the therapy, we advocated for her constantly.  We let the little stuff go.  We loved her unconditionally. In her mind, none of that happened, we always let her down, and we were horrible parents.  She finds it impossible to acknowledge anything good about her upbringing, because, honestly, doing so would require her to accept some responsibility for her own mental health, something that she is not willing to do at this point in time.       

[Engine One]

Hi, to all you wonderful parents! I just went through all the posts and wanted to share something. My dd29 was diagnosed with BPD at 19, while in her first residential treatment for an ED. Since then, she has been in countless treatment centers for the ED and other issues. She is now again in treatment, but this time she is driving the bus, so to speak, and is ready to face her demons, which all stem from trauma. Yes, she was a very sensitive child, yes, I admit that while raising her SIX other siblings we did not validate her feelings as often as perhaps we should have, and yes, mental illness runs on both sides of the family. (One of her sisters has serious issues due to drug use, the other five siblings are thriving.) When meeting with her therapist the other day, my DD29 shared with me that the therapist wanted to talk about her family, to which my DD29 bluntly replied, "My family is not the problem, it's the trauma." How many times over the years have my husband and I been told that we needed to validate our daughter, and been made to feel that somehow we were to blame. It was our introduction to a 12-step program that finally brought us peace, and the ability to accept our daughter and ourselves as we were, broken yet beautiful. We all are full of wonderful possibilities!

[20yearsHRS]

 :caution:Blame God but come hell or high water I'm not blaming myself.  That is such an easy thing for therapists and Phds to suggest well it is the parents fault.  It is not the parents fault.  Did my wife most likely have BPD, yes, so genetically my daughter picked up the trait.  Did I somehow fail in my raising of her?  Well of course, we all fail as not one of us is perfect and even with all the parenting books out there, every situation is uniquely different for obvious reasons.  So no, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  Stop the blame game folks and find the real cause, it is inside the brain. 

[Oceanfish]

I don't know the situation, but I do know mine and I'll share it with you.
I had a background in childhood development and behavior disorders and worked with children who were mentally ill. I sat on the Board of Directors for NAMI and several other boards devoted to preventing adjudication for young offenders, etc.
Early on, I had concerns about my daughter's ability to manage stress. I took her to a therapist several times to work on emotional regulation and to develop appropriate conflict resolution skills. I was seeing something, but I believed it was age appropriate and could be resolved with therapy.
Later, she suffered several significant losses and a rape and it became clear that there was something of a pathological nature happening. She was hospitalized after becoming extremely intoxicated. She told me she was hospitalized because I had been abusive. She told me her therapist believed I had BPD. She made several accusations that were not based in truth.
I saw two therapists to get their impression of my mental health and to determine whether I did, in fact, have BPD. They concluded that I did not but did explain that sometimes people who receive that diagnosis project. They also can have delusional thinking and believe what they are saying.
I have read everything I can find on the subject. There is a genetic component - I believe it's quite likely my mother had BPD. The losses she suffered and the rape likely triggered what she had been fighting all those years. I can say with absolute certainty that I did not cause it.
Sometimes our genetically predisposed children have experiences that have nothing to do with us; rape, death, social conflict. I didn't know about BPD to any real degree and it was only in retrospect that I started putting the pieces together. Had I suspected the cause of her suffering was related to a specific disorder, I would have moved mountains to get her the help she needed.
There's always plenty of blame to go around when mothers are involved. But please don't worry about blame. Learn everything you can and make sure you are healthy and strong.

[Mama Goose]

It is important to remember that our loved ones are incredibly sensitive, highly reactive and take a long time to return to their baseline or emotionally regulated self after a issue.  I truly believe that had any of us realized this earlier in their lives we would have changed the way we interacted with them.  Over time, its possible they will outgrow at least some of their behaviors but they will likely always be sensitive, reactive and slow return to baseline.

I want to leave you with this thought -- it is not easy to be diagnosed/challenged with BPD.  Think of the many holocaust survivors and all of the trauma they endured or a person wrongfully imprisoned for years on end.  Most of those persons either figured out the rules to survive or gave up.  Regardless, they did not end up being diagnosed with BPD or even a mental illness.

Mama Goose