Broke No Contact... Now I can Truly move on

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well,

Over the course of the weekend, my ex BPD-gf was "re-engaging" big time. A text message Fri night to ask how I was doing, and a few texts Sat. Feeling lonely, and missing the god parts of the relationship, I broke down, and replied to the texts. She didin't respon to the last text message I sent, and I heard nothing from her until I decided to call her yesterday to see what was up.

She answered the phone, and sounded shocked that it was me. She said she picked up, becasue she didin't recognize my #, as she removed all my contact info from her phone. I asked her how she was able to text me Sat if this was the case, and she said she had gotten the # from an old message. whatever. :

It was as though I was talking to a different person. She was cold as ice. She told me that she moved on. I explained to her that if this is the case, she has moved on rather quickly, as 3 weeks prior she was madly in love with me. I asked if she missed me, she said "no". She said something like "Since you are not around, or here anymore, I don't miss you" She only remembers the last argument we had. Anything good that came before has been washed away. As though it does not exist in her memory and never happened.

She advised me to "date" and "move on" as she has. Blamed most of the issues (and these were minor, trivial little things that upset her, NOTHING major) on me, and told me that she is not emotionally available right now as her father is sick, and she needs to help care for him, as well as take care of the family business.

I'm GLAD I tried to take one more drink from this empty well, becasue I know now that it is truly empty this relationship was not healthy, this person is not healthy, and I need to move on. I got the message LOUD and CLEAR this time. She never really loved me. It wasn't real, and it was all an odd illusion of some sort. As if it took place in a dream.

In some weird way, I got the closure I needed.  Sorry for the longwinded post. Just needed to write.

[J.C.]

Well,

Over the course of the weekend, my ex BPD-gf was "re-engaging" big time. A text message Fri night to ask how I was doing, and a few texts Sat. Feeling lonely, and missing the god parts of the relationship, I broke down, and replied to the texts. She didin't respon to the last text message I sent, and I heard nothing from her until I decided to call her yesterday to see what was up.

She answered the phone, and sounded shocked that it was me. She said she picked up, becasue she didin't recognize my #, as she removed all my contact info from her phone. I asked her how she was able to text me Sat if this was the case, and she said she had gotten the # from an old message. whatever. :

It was as though I was talking to a different person. She was cold as ice. She told me that she moved on. I explained to her that if this is the case, she has moved on rather quickly, as 3 weeks prior she was madly in love with me. I asked if she missed me, she said "no". She said something like "Since you are not around, or here anymore, I don't miss you" She only remembers the last argument we had. Anything good that came before has been washed away. As though it does not exist in her memory and never happened.

She advised me to "date" and "move on" as she has. Blamed most of the issues (and these were minor, trivial little things that upset her, NOTHING major) on me, and told me that she is not emotionally available right now as her father is sick, and she needs to help care for him, as well as take care of the family business.

I'm GLAD I tried to take one more drink from this empty well, becasue I know now that it is truly empty this relationship was not healthy, this person is not healthy, and I need to move on. I got the message LOUD and CLEAR this time. She never really loved me. It wasn't real, and it was all an odd illusion of some sort. As if it took place in a dream.

In some weird way, I got the closure I needed.  Sorry for the longwinded post. Just needed to write.

[lennic]

May the wind be full in your sails... .

Sometimes a final storm is all we need... .

Good luck... .

Lenny

[forgotten]

Sometimes breaking NC allows you to remember the truth about what the BPD is really all about.  You broke NC cos you missed the good parts but then the resulting interaction shows you that the good parts were really just a small part of the picture.

These NC breaks are often very acutely painful at first but do sometimes help you realize the misery that being engaged in a relationship with these people will always bring.

Now you know and remember that if the nostalgia makes you consider breaking NC again.

Good luck!

[csandra]

Sorry you had to go through this but you got some pretty clear verifications of the BPD characteristics: object constancy, blaming, re-engaging.  It may have been one of the best things to happen, especially if it strengthens your resolve for NC.  Good Luck.

[willowtree007]

I totally had the same experience! Staying in limited contact, succombing cautiously to the re-engagement ultimately revealed how hopeless this dream was. Of course, I had Nookies holding my hand throughout ( and wisely knowing the inevitable outcome). There is no more bewilderment on my part - he is sick and that is his problem to solve, not mine. I gave it my best shot. I am proud of myself and grateful for the existance of this board and SWOE. I couldn't have done it alone.

At least, that's how I'm feeling today... .

Wil

[thomaso61]

Last time I spoke with my BPDwife it was the same thing. She was as cold as ice too. It prompted my anger listening to her. Her last words to me were "it was a flash in the pan." I'm talking about our 2 year relationship where I divorced my ex-wife, bought a house with her, took on her autistic daughter, invested my emotions and only to be told it was all just a flash in the pan. Sweet huh?

Nedless to say I contacted an attorney to resolve matters.

[hooverproof]

As strogly as I feel about NC, I dread another re-engagement attempt. I hope it dosent come. I am afraid it would kill me.

[Enomis]

This is an excellent post from all because my BPD of 4 years, married for only 7 months accused me of sleeping with someone else, and then just dipped on me.  No forwarding address, no phone calls nothing.  So naturally not knowing anything much about BPD I called him to find out , "Hey I know you are off the chain with it... .and I know your behavior is irrational... .but what gives".   He didn't return my calls.  Then I got mad.  And decided that ok, if you want to play that game, I wont call you either.  Then I got all "wifey" on myself and called him to ask him to just call me so we could talk.  Still no word from him.  So I had to go ROCK BOTTOM and try to call him on his job.  That was the WAKE UP CALL I NEEDED.   As the people at the front desk seemed to take joy in telling me "Hes unavailable would you like to leave a message".  Me still not getting it says "Yes its a family emergency, can you please tell him its his wife".  IT was at that moment that I KNEW I had to let him live with his choices. 

He left me.  End of story.  Rejection is a hard thing to deal with.  Especially when you really really dug the person.  But I will say this, it hurts way less today than it did yesterday and tomorrow is yet to come.  I hate the fact that this site even has to exist because of people like them.  Im going to go to one of those websites that make shirts that say "Widow", because thats exactly what I am until I can afford a lawyer to annul him, which thankfully I qualify for.  While Im thankful Im out of it, I cant lie and say that it doesn't hurt to know after 4 years a person could just turn their backs on you and you never existed or be so very cold and cruel.  But better to know now than to waste another second of your life trying to figure THEM out. 

Its not that they dont know the difference between right and wrong.  They just dont CARE.   Trust me they know who they can do this to and who they cant.

[goldenblunder]

She told me that she moved on. I explained to her that if this is the case, she has moved on rather quickly, as 3 weeks prior she was madly in love with me.

Heh, that one made me laugh.   

[Krakatoa]

I had much the same ... .48 hrs for guy no 1 and 8 days later for guy no 2 in my case... "I have moved on" was her phrase too. I guess we'd love to hear the words "I haven't moved on, I'm repeating the same tragic pattern , please get me some help"

Not gonna happen though, and there's a whole aspect of their denial that now brings great relief.

Dodging that BPD bullet ( although it doesn't feel like it at the time) has been a godsend. A great exhalation of freedom.

So good for you JC. Keep that flag flying.

[Venus Humm]

I am happy you received some closure.  It is comforting yet sad that we all have tasted the poison that so easily dole out to our hungry souls.  Its so impossible to understand.  When my exBPDgf would attempt to contact me I would not even read the texts for fear of what it might say.  Yet I truly believe that any response from me would have been met with the same coldness that you received.  I hope the entire re-engagement will be a healing experience for you.  Maybe it will be the best dose of "anti-re-engage" you could ever receive.

Venus Humm

[specialagentcooper]

i'm unfamiliar with the term "re-engaging."  all i can think of is the vacuum, and the act of sucking you back in after a break-up.  i just realized that the girl i had been dating for 9 months (who now lives in my apartment building!) is probably suffering from BPD, though no diagnosis has been made.  she has most of the symptoms. 

i was really relieved to find this site.  it gives me some comfort knowing that i'm not going crazy, because that's how she made me feel.  twisting all my words around.  i found my health deteriorating, and i was also acquiering some of her bad habits... .messiness, smoking too much, eating fast food. 

until i met her i had my life more or less together, cutting back on smoking, buying groceries and learning to cook from scratch healthier foods.  but now i feel like a shell of myself.  it took all i had to try and appease her constant complaining of illnesses that aren't there, using sex as a weapon.  for every good time we had (and there were many), i never felt like i was getting the love and respect i deserved... .i felt more like a servant than a boyfriend.  that's what made it hard to break up with her.  but once i did, after the suicide threats stopped, and she seemed like she was getting better, i wanted her back.  but every time i would talk to her and try to rationalize with her the terms of our break-up, and how she made me feel, she would twist it around and tell me i was trying to make her out to be a bad person.  when i think of how crappy she could make me feel, i remember why i broke up with her.  i wanted her to see what it was she was missing out on in me.  but now, i'm just doing my best to keep as minimal contact with her as possible, because i will be fine until i see her or talk to her, and then i feel helpless and alone again.  sorry so long-winded, but you have no idea how relieved i was to find this site.

[blurry]

 The selective memory they have never ceases to amaze me, my pwBPD is so out of touch with reality its shocking, yet everyone around her thinks she's perfect and me and her last 3 exes, all of whom she recycled or cheated on 10+ times are the evil ones. Just got recycled again, lasted a week this time, and the shift I just saw inside one week was incredible, I know I was the same person the whole week, but wow, talk about Jekyll and hyde with her.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey J.C., Consider yourself lucky that this recycling was thankfully brief.  For many of us (that means me), the detours back into the throes of a BPD r/s have been much longer and the lessons much more painful!  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[bewildered2]

her behavior is that of a crazy person.

no normal, well-adjusted, caring, decent person would treat a dog that way, much less a person whom they had feelings for at any time... .

walk away in the full knowledge that she is completely crazy.

we all know how tough it is, and we are here for you now and support you completely.

sending big hugs,

b2

[Changed4safety]

She told me that she moved on. I explained to her that if this is the case, she has moved on rather quickly, as 3 weeks prior she was madly in love with me.

Heh, that one made me laugh.   

Mine gave me the most lyrical, most anguished, most pleading AIM conversation begging me to come back--I was "the one", he would "wait for me forever if I only asked him too," etc. etc.  After my final "no," he started dating someone the NEXT DAY.  Three weeks later, after assuring me it was "just casual," she's his "girlfriend" on FB.  (Took me two years before I wasn't a "secret" to his family and friends.) 

He knew himself well enough that he said "I can't be alone."  Myep. 

[Surnia]

Upps, this is a very old thread revitalized. 

It is a good example about controlled contact, contact with awareness. This can be sometimes more helpful than a obstinate NC.