15. Understanding the Borderline Mother - Christine Ann Lawson PhD

[ElvisLives]

I'm glad I read it.

I feel validation for the first time in my life.

And it's the reason I'm here.

Thanks Ms Lawson!   

[catclaw]

I found it in my university's library - spent the whole afternoon reading this book and it was great!

For those who cant afford it - try your local library or university, they might have it there for you to borrow it/ read it on location.

[Shankz]

i'm glad i entered in this thread, i will try to read this. thank you for sharing it.

[enlighten me]

Ive not read this yet but will definately get it as I have 3 children with 2:uBPDex's. I can totally relate to the waif claiming the children did things as my ex wife did this.

Just curious on the queen behaviiur as my exgf fits this. I have seen her rages at the kids but mostly she is over protective of them and fears offending them.

[caughtnreleased]

I'm afraid I'm seeing waif behaviour in my sister, who is now mother of 2.  I suppose it's normal, as our mother is uBPD queen... .It's hard for me to think that something is wrong with someone, when they can act totally normal one day, and totally crazy the next, then back to normal... .but this is my sister now. I constantly question myself because she loves to put the blame on others for her craziness. Oh my. 

[unicorn2014]

So much to my confusion, in the chapter on make-believe children in the section on splitting, the author says

^{Linehan (1993a) believes that borderlines should not be viewed as different}

then she quotes Lineman then she goes on to say

Bordrlines sense that they are different and deserve validation of their suffering

Lawson, Christine Ann. Understanding the Borderline Mother. p. 159

Marsha Linehan is an amazing, remarkable woman. She developed DBT to treat herself. She had BPD. Now I don't know Ms. Lawson's professional background but she seems to be casting aspersion on the work of Dr. Lineman.

I'm sure someone will set me straight.

Or maybe not, after all I am the one who came up with the borderline dragging the non down the hall like a child drags a comfort object.   

[Turkish]

p. 124, Nook e-book.

Linehan is coming from a BPD perspective; Lawson, as a T who treats non-BPDs...

Value can be taken from both insights.

[unicorn2014]

p. 124, Nook e-book.

Linehan is coming from a BPD perspective; Lawson, as a T who treats non-BPDs...

Value can be taken from both insights.

Hmm, interesting... .I don't know if I would want Lawson for my T, however I am reading her book, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt from now on.

Let me clarify, Dr. Lineman is coming from the perspective of someone who treated herself for BPD and was able to pass that treatment method on to others.

[GeekyGirl]

I don't see it as a huge deal... as Turkish said, they're looking at it from different perspectives and both may have biases. In any profession, it's possible that two capable clinicians could have differing opinions and neither is wrong or right.

[Skip]

Linehan (and a person with BPD):  People should not treat borderlines as if they are "different" humans - don't make them out to be freaks and ostracize them.

Lawson (and a person with BPD mom):  People should not tell a child that the way they were treated by their parent was "normal" (she says this in the context of splitting).

Both points make sense to me.   

[unicorn2014]

Linehan (and a person with BPD):  People should not treat borderlines as if they are "different" humans - don't make them out to be freaks and ostracize them.

Lawson (and a person with BPD mom):  People should not tell a child that the way they were treated by their parent was "normal" (she says this in the context of splitting).

Both points make sense to me.   

Yes both quotes make sense to me too. I'm reading about the all bad child. I think I became that as an adolescent although my mother thinks the "adventures" I went on were "neat". She had no idea what I was doing... .

[Rock Chick]

I think this is a good book even if the person in your life with BPD is not ones mother. Definitely found the book helpful and to be an informative read and worth what i spent on it (although i dont know if everyone will agree or not but its all good and i bought the book in like new condition). I've read the book all way threw at least a few times. I'd recommend the book (to most) and its one my favs to read on BPD. The book I do agree does use a few words or terms that some (myself included) may not be familiar with but I personally like with any book just looked those words up. I'd give the book 4.7 out of 5 stars

[FoxC]

No book has ever made me cry as much as this one.

[gotbushels]

Fantastic content.   I found the ideas sometimes intense and difficult to read. I still use this for reference from time to time.


One review described this as a highly accurate portrayal of her family's dynamics--another review claimed she had to administer heavy doses of self-care while reading it.

I didn't think it was very applicable to my experience with a upwBPD romantic partner--but it appeared to be both very useful and well reviewed by both participants here and the general public. Post-reading, I found it contained a lot of practical insights for me despite the pwBPDSO in my life being a romantic partner.


"They will also find specific suggestions for creating healthier relationships." I think this statement is true.

This book is packed with great takeaways. Examples:
- discussions about factors that create unconscious and excessive altruism in people
- being aware of the traits of males that are in relationships with BP females
- being aware on the effects of a BP female on children
- being aware of workaholic fathers and how the relationship is may benefit both parties
- the implicit application of how to handle (and not handle) discussions with people with BP traits (not only BPDM's)
- discussions about consequences, and the support implied for the non wanting to support their own boundaries

I appreciated the way Lawson put in fairytale characters to make representations:

The Good Witch laughs and says to the Wicked Witch, "Be gone... .you have no power here!" The Good Witch has confidence in her goodness and power. She is not afraid, she believes in herself. Adult children have this power, but like Dorothy with the ruby slippers, they do not know how to use it.

I do think that being a part of this community is a lot of about not penalising oneself for behaving in a way that one didn't know was unhealthy in a given relationship. This book is a great way to find out about those things that we often "wish we had known". An example of what you can find in this book:

Many adult children who enter therapy report [... .] having to catch up on something they missed learning. In these dreams, they report feeling angry, resentful, and embarrassed that no one had given them proper instructions or clearly explained the assignment. They unconsciously know that they missed a developmental step [... .]

If you find the book's situations apply to your own, then I'd also recommend a healthy sense of individuation and self-compassion to accompany this reading. Also, I'd consider supplementing the first reading with time aside for therapeutic support.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hey all,

So I’m referencing the book Understanding The BPD Mother by Lawson when I talk about “subtypes”.

I read the book in 2011 and back then we had 2 children under 3 yrs of age. My BPDw was quite hermit-like and a lot of witch. Fast forward to 2018, we have D10, S7, D5 and I’m rereading the book. It’s amazing but my stbex BPDw is extremely the queen and a lot witch mixed in there.

Obviously these subtypes by Lawson are an attempt to bundle characteristics that can’t really be bundled. We are all unique in our attributes and in our illnesses. But I’m quite blown away by the extreme swing in characters by my stbex BPDw. It is truly shocking.

The queen in her really came out about 4 yrs ago when our youngest was 1 yr old. And boy did it come out with a fury! Stbex BPDw is an artist and up until 4 yrs ago she would hide in her studio. Secretive and wouldn’t share her art with anyone. Then she decided to go at it professionally or as she stated “she wanted to become a famous artist”... .and BAM!

Anyone else observed a drastic change in character with time?

Happy holidays to all!
LAT

[Insom]

Hi, LightAfterTunnel.     Interesting question.  For those of us who have yet to read about the Waif, Hermit, Queen and Witch archetypes, here's a summary:

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

Would you like to say more about how the shift you saw in your wife played out in your relationship?  How did you feel as her partner going through it?  How do you feel now looking back at what happened?

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi Insom,

Thanks for posting the summary... .I definitely didn’t want to exclude others from participating.

Well, in the beginning I felt my BPDw was very insular and her art was her way of communicating with the world. I knew of her very rough upbringing and so I figured this was her way of dealing with the demons so to say. Her secretiveness I never understood and I was hurt by it. She was always extremely controlling of me and the kids. She suffocated our D10 when she was young. D10 has major anxiety issues now and reacts strongly to anyone who crowds her space our her stuff. Overall I think you can say that BPDw’s fears ruled her actions and this is part of the hermit subtype as described by Lawson.

Then slowly she started sharing her artwork and you could see that BPDw got a taste of enjoyment from the positive feedback. I was happ for her but deep down I knew that there wasn’t any recognition in the world that would satisfy her. During the next years BPDw started buying nicer clothes, working out obsessively, going out dancing and out with friends often, started ignoring the kids more than before... .before she could be explosive and unpredictable but she did do activities with them... .now she feigned interest at most. Things really snowballed to the point where I have felt she just doesn’t want to be a mother anymore. She’s 100% focused on her art and the attention she gets from it. Again Lawson is correct that BPDw’s emptiness is driving her now.

As a partner, it’s been impossible and truly self sacrificing... .but it’s also been the diving board from which I sprung into my own issues and understanding myself. The hardest part was watching my children and their continual disappointment with BPDw, conflicts in teaching them, and trying to compensate and support them throughout.

Man... .if I only knew then what I know now... .HA! I don’t regret anything. I gave it my best at every moment. I love my children and I wouldn’t have S7 and D5 if I knew then what I know now because I would have put firm safe boundaries from the beginning. I put my foot down on her anger and outbursts at the children when D10 was 4 yrs old but I wish I did it earlier... .until then I was still wrapped up in it all.

I think that BPDw is a person full of fears and emptiness and probably always will be. I am not sure on why fears ruled her for the first 5-6 years but now we’re all suffering the wrath of the queen for 4 years and counting. The only constant has been her wickedness throughout.

LAT

[Turkish]

One takeaway I got from that book is that the four types could exist with each other,  with one dominating depending upon that circumstances. 

My mother is the Hermit-Waif (she doesn't have a narcissistic bone in her body). My ex is the Hermit-Waif-Queen. 

I remember one time in the car less than a year before our dissolution when then D3 said "mommy's a princess!" She responded,  "no,  mommy's a Queeen!" I rolled my eyes to myself.  That's not a good thing.

The core feelings of a pwBPD is that they are worthless, unlovable and don't matter. Masterson describes a pwBPD as a "deflated false self" (a person with NPD is an "inflated false self"). What's in common is an unstable identity (sense of Self), and the unhealthy coping mechanisms stem from these core feelings. 

My ex describes herself on social media as a "game changer" unabashedly. If only people knew the pain and drama she caused me, our kids,  and her current husband... .

I'm with you in retrospect. I wouldn't have S8, almost 9, and D6.5 if I'd known.  D6 had tears in her eyes this morning when she was realizing her mom had her for over a week during Christmas and she wouldn't see me (I'll have them the first week of January until they go back to school).

That's unconditional love,  which is both validating and heartbreaking.

[Red5]

YouTube audiobook Resource (sharing)…

Link ~>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-Ai6ujUDX0&list=PL94j5ECCzW1frzUVZtYclBrzjOv7OpujU&index=1&spfreload=10

Title, - Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship 

By: Christine Ann Lawson

Kind Regards, Red5

[Harri]

This is an excellent book for understanding the different behaviors associated with BPD.  It also takes a look at the role of the non-father.  It has been very helpful to many of us on the PSI (Parent Sibling and In-law) board here.

It is a good book for anyone, but especially for those non parents raising a child with a pwBPD.

[PearlsBefore]

Easily the best book on the subject of maternal BPD - I'm always amazed to see adult-children-of-BPD-mothers speak so highly of the book because having devoured it (multiple times, heavily dog-earred and highlighted) I just assumed it was written for people like me, that is - husbands trying to understand how to protect their children from maternal BPD.

Probably one of the three most important resources that helped me to really understand the ugly underside of the disorder, and that's out of dozens if not hundreds I've tried.

[Skip]

What are the other two?

[PearlsBefore]

Well one of them would certainly have to just be the support group for "Caretakers of pwBPD" that operates out of my country's capital city overlapping with the NEABPD program. I'd never been to any kind of support group and typically find online advice and support subpar because you never know exactly who's behind it.

Take the Loved-Ones-And-Caretakers-of-BPD subreddit as an example; it seems nearly half the people there are actually pwBPDs themselves loudly projecting their drama onto accusing their ex, parents, forum moderators and anyone who engages them must be BPD themselves - and of course the actual non-BPDs know better than to confront the projections of an internet stranger, so the only real advice is passed via private message between those walking the minefield of a forum full of actual pwBPDs looking to take offence. The problem is amplified in my opinion because, as many non-BPDs are probably aware, some of the books written for pwBPD discard honesty in favor of just repeating the faulty solutions and excuses they know pwBPDs will want to hear and thus will talk up on blogs and increase sales. (One workbook for example suggested the pwBPD take up masturbating in front of a mirror - while the companion book for caretakers acknowledged this was not likely to help and caretakers should make sure it doesn't lead to worsened self-esteem, identity issues or narcissism)

So having spent fifteen years believing nobody would ever understand what life with a pwBPD looked like behind closed doors...and while family and friends never will...those at the support group were not just dealing with an ugly bout of BPD ruining a dating relationship - they were "the real deal" and had lived alongside pwBPDs the majority of their lives. They understood that paramedics will wave in the grocery store, or the PTSD to wake up and see you missed a text message, or that it's perfectly acceptable to use the phrase "tried to kill herself this weekend but not one of the really serious attempts - I don't think it's going to set things back at all", that people simply dating or friends with our pwBPD think it's difficult but forget that they can always leave or call police whereas we the caretakers can have weapons taken up against us and we just have to deal with the trauma ourselves because we don't want the pwBPD ending up in the prison system, and most importantly...cursing the well-meaning but uninformed hospital staff, police, relatives and general therapists who don't specialize in BPD and thus end up doing more harm than good even despite their intentions because the "common knowledge" is just to say "Oh, Borderline Personality - I think that's just a lesser form of Bipolar".

But with Covid, the caretakers-of-BPD support group is shut down for months now - and thus I'm turning back to the internet hoping for some answers - and maybe even some people who can understand when I say there have been months where I have to wait until she's entered REM sleep before I can let myself lie down and only because I've set an alarm to wake me before she'll wake up...and that's just part of normal life in the household.

With my apologies for far too long an answer, that might be dragging this particular thread off-course.

[khibomsis]

Thank you Pearls Before for directing me to this book! It is a good book, though quite shocking to me. I mean, when your childhood is referenced by way of concentration camp survivors, it brings home to me how pathological it all was. Because I did not have another point of reference for the years of my childhood, so to me it was just "normality".
That said, I have to come down on the side that it is not inevitable that the bad child ends up with BPD. I think the first point to make is that BPD itself as a diagnosis is an interesting marriage between psychoanalytic theory and behavioural solutions, and nowhere is this more clear than in Lawson's heavily Jungian book. So our discussions of the disease must always veer between those two philosophically mutually exclusive schools of thought. Are we BPD because we "are" BPD in some deeply existential sense? Or are we BPD because we display BPD behaviour? Between the rock and the hard place lies the truth, and that is always the case with borderline: the Twilight Zone.
Second, there is just the empirical evidence. In my family, in fact, it is the good children, being the ones who spent most time with uNBPD mom, who are most BPD. My niece, who was the apple of her eye and spoilt rotten, was the first officially diagnosed in the family at 15, though with an inpatient stay and regular therapy she is doing fine now. Her father is the sibling who is most like mom now that she is dead (so much so that he even used her e-mail and cellphone after she died. We had to inform him of the creepiness of that behaviour. )
My theory about why this is so is simply that they were most exposed to uNBPD mom and thus not only did they inherit her unstable sense of self, but the most outrageous behaviours became normalized. I left home at 16 - ever since a reason for her disappointment in me -  and I can remember quite clearly thinking, long before I knew words like individuation, that it was her or me. As soon as I was stable enough, I took in my younger sibling (the lost child) and we have fostered each other ever since. We actually  have policed each other for decades, starting with a pact that if either one of us became "like that" the sane one would shoot the other one (I know   , and our habit of calling the other one out on BPD behaviours became established from childhood, so that over the years we have gradually rid ourselves of the worst ones.
 
A third reason could be perhaps uNBPD mom's narcissism. I have never had any doubt that mom loved me, and all her children, with a passion beyond belief. Anybody lucky enough to be her child was clearly a cut above the rest of humanity and that was an assumption that seeped into us with our mother's milk. Her rages were directed at our failure to live up to high standards set for her children.
 Also mom was an equal opportunity rager. While she systematically favoured my older brother, you could be subject to her dysregulation randomly simply by being around whenever her slightest whim failed to be fulfilled. A Queen beyond compare with the occasional Witch trait, her dissatisfaction with anything less than instant obedience was molten. Being a girl I would spend a lot of time with her unable to escape, housework and the like, but if you passed her sight at the wrong moment you would be raged at, period.  My older brother, though he got away for about ten years, moved back in with the parents when he started a family, so paradoxically, even though he was cast as the good child, he became the one most exposed to dysregulations.

Lastly, I suspect the difference lies in family dynamics. In Africa we have much closer ties with the extended family, so, for instance, I was looked after by my maternal grandmother until I was out of nappies, was spoilt rotten by my paternal grandmother when I moved to her city in my twenties, and I had a bevy of aunts, four othermothers, who took time out from raising their own families to make sure I knew I was loved. This was done without saying a word against my mother beyond "you know how she is", or "don't argue with your mother" (my first version of not JADEing) but there is a culture that "your child is my child".  Their passing grieved me in ways that I subsequently realized is normal on my continent, everybody here perfectly gets that I mourned the loss of a mother, but perhaps is not recognized in the same way elsewhere,
In the same way, my father was a stable consistent presence when he was there. He was of course a workaholic father like the rest of his generation, but he never allowed us to be bullied in his presence and rarely got caught up in her machinations. He gave her everything she wanted, in a material sense, and enabled her Queendom to the fullest extent so without a doubt extremely co-dependent. Still he was quite clear on what he would permit in his house, and that set boundaries which in later years I understood had become my values. I am co-dependent myself in his honour. I caught on in my twenties that uNBPD mom saw me as competition for his affection. Even as a child, I knew my love for Dad could be expressed only when she was not around, but it was real and lasting, as was his for me, and not a day goes by without I miss him.
From both my grandmothers I have a firm and unyielding faith in God/de, and with it comes a belief in a happy ending. So, although I much appreciated reading the book, this is one point on which I shall disagree with respect. No one of us is doomed to anything.