SELF ASSESSMENT | Wonder if you have Borderline Personality Disorder traits?

[Skip]

"Do I have any unhealthy traits?  "How do I resolve these traits so that I and others around me have a better life? Will the conventional therapeutic tools, DBT, therapy (other), medication and self-help programs benefit me?

This is an important and a brave question to ask, as are questions about having traits of NPD, codependency, depression, etc. This is really where the rubber meets the road on whether we want to live a healthier life.  This is where we dig in and attempt that ever difficult task of seeing ourselves.  

And it is a difficult task.  

Awareness Most of us are very good at this - our capacity to notice things. Many of us have focused a lot of energy on becoming very aware of our partner's, children's, or parent's flaws. This is awareness.

Self-awareness Self-awareness basically describes a situation where the light of awareness is turned onto ourselves. While awareness is our ability to take note; self-awareness is our ability to take note of ourselves. Self-awareness is the ultimate enabler. Without living knowledge of ourselves there would be no hope for conscious, positive change. Thanks to self-awareness we can take a good look at ourselves and our lives and see what is working for us and what isn't. This awareness plants the seeds of change in our subconscious mind. It plants in us the drive and motivation to choose to do things differently.

The motivation for breaking bad habits , for example, comes from a self-awareness of the detrimental effects the bad habit is having in our lives. The self-motivation to change also comes from a vivid self-awareness of what we want for ourselves and our future, and a lucid recognition that we simply won't be able to have it if we don't leave our bad habits behind.

Self-awareness vs Imperceptiveness Many members at bpdfamily lament about how a pwBPD in their life is in denial - unable to be self-aware.  Well, self awareness is very challenging - even more so for an emotionally immature person.

How many time have you read this:

Yep, I asked my therapist. She assured me that I did not have BPD and that all I had was fleas -- unhealthy coping mechanisms -- from having been raised by my BP mom.

She also told me that the fact that I was asking was a good sign that I did not have the BPD.  I'm good.

I still see some of myself in some of the descriptions of BPD, and I need to know for myself, from a PROFESSIONAL, if I have or don't have this thing.  I know I'm codependant and have ADD, which could account for some of it, but I don't think I will rest until I know for sure. I know I have PTSD, which makes me crazy when I feel threatened.  Its probably just fleas... .nothing to worry about.  

Is this self-awareness or imperceptiveness?  Is mental health like a pregnancy test (yes/no)?  Or are the real questions:

• "Do I have any unhealthy traits in this general category?

• "How do I resolve these traits so that I and others around me have a better life?

• "Will the conventional therapeutic tools, DBT, therapy (other), medication and self-help programs benefit me?

This is an interesting read:bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148



Good luck!

SkippySee list of all self-assessment surveys

[ravenstar]

Good information, Skip.

I have issues

Been working on them for quite a while. Probably have to for life. That's okay.

What scares me is having this disorder that is so destructive to others and not even knowing it. I hear so many people say that their BPD's are oblivious the the damage they do. (My uBPDh certainly doesn't get it) I don't think I have it... I'm just freaked out by the idea that I could have it and not know.

My great uncle was Paranoid Schizophrenic, fullblown. I loved him, but man oh man... he was very ill, and he had no idea just how ill he was... it was all the governments fault! And the police... .FBI,  and some girlfriend he had in 1943, and there were radio waves the gov. was using to get into his brain... .oh ya, I got to see what true psychosis looks like. He was also the gentlest, most intelligent person I have ever met, wouldn't harm a fly... but you could see he was in unbelievable fear, pain and anguish... it was very sad. For him that was reality. He wouldn't take his meds because the Doctors were trying to poison him! He's passed on now, I'm glad he isn't feeling any more pain. It was hard to watch.

Thanks for clarifying that this disorder is difficult to diagnose... and the attitude of some pro's in this area. I see my psychiatrist on Friday for my ADD med refill. I will see what he has to say.

Being on this board is the best reality check I have had in a long time

I am grateful  

[oceanheart]

I'm a person with BPD who later (after 2 years of recovery) became a Non with an uBPDxbf who was way worse than I was in terms of lying, denial, rage fits, manipulation, splitting B&W, etc.

I'm also codependent, have ADD and was raised by an invalidating mother, an emotionally absent, self-absorbed father, and a cruel brother. I read peoples stories here and sometimes I wonder if I really have BPD because I never did half the stuff their SO's have done - really horrible stuff.

I can totally understand your desire to find out one way or another if you "have" chronic BPD.

I've done extensive reading on BPD ever since I was diagnosed and I've come to the conclusion that all these behaviors are so related they're on a continuum, a scale, rather than probably being separate disorders (of course I'm not a professional, so I could be totally wrong). But I have read that untreated childhood ADD is correlated to having BPD later (that doesn't mean the ADD caused the BPD, though). I've also seen that BPD is thought of in some circles as being complex PTSD.

But what if none of that is particularly helpful to you in getting to a healthy place in your life? Whether I call myself BPD or whichever label I choose, I still have behavior problems I need to address to make my life happier.

Does that make sense to where you are in your life? I agree that being able to look at your own behavior is really good, especially since denial seems to be such a huge part of being BPD. You definitely have a head start if you wanted to look at some of your own issues.

But be careful, too, that you don't take all the responsibility for the problems in a relationship - that's kinda what happened with me and my xbf since I was so willing to say our problems were based on my BPD, he was able to have a free pass to do anything and then make it all my fault (which I was used to from childhood). I'm glad I learned that it really is 2 people in a relationship and that sometimes the power is unequal and so one person isn't fully to blame all the time.

Best of luck to you in your personal discovery.

[ravenstar]

Oceanheart, I think we grew up in the same family!  FOO issues  oh, Ya   Did you ever read "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw? I bawled like a baby when I read that book and did some of the exercises. Awesome for FOO stuff.

I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until I was 31. It's a BIG struggle for me. The meds are helping a lot (I haven't lost my keys in years!). and the BMT really helps too.

I understand what you mean about the continuum... .I may have similar traits (fleas or my own), and those need to be addressed, that's my stuff to deal with, but that doesn't necessarily mean full-blown BPD or other PD. It's not an either or thing. (HA! it's not black or white!)

I've learned a lot and feel a bit less afraid.

Thanks

[StressedinCleveland]

About one-third of close relatives turn out to be BPD themselves.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148.msg369780#msg369780

About this time last year, my borderline wife was convinced that she was fine and I was the one with BPD. She stopped going for therapy so we made a deal. We would both get a psychological work-up including the MMPI and diagnostic interviews (one hour before the test, and one hour after to follow up on issues arising in the test).

With my insurance it cost $40 in co-pays.

[rockwood]

I ask my therapist everytime I see her.  I read the criteria over and again.  I ask my friends and my ex-husband. 

Finally, I sat down yesterday and read all of his old e-mails.  I found that to be very helpful.

[Isitme]

Reference my screen name  .  I thought about changing it, now that I'm over the gaslighting.  But I won't.  Because every time I post I say, "Isitme?  No.  It's not."  Definately, set up the poll.  Realizing that I am totally predictable in questioning whether or not it was me has been highly validating all by itself.

[Patty]

YES, definitely! I have asked myself this a 1000 times. 

My uBPD mother and sister were very good at making me out to be the problem.  I am the one person in the family who challenged them both and they didn't like it.   >:D

Like Rockwood, I ask my hubby and friends too. 

[nonyberg]

Just yesterday I was thinking the same thing, ecspecially when I rehash why we broke up. But all I know the last time we were together I couldn't even speak because I was afraid. It really doesnt' help when your whole family call you crazy. They are referring to my emotions, I were them on my sleeve I always have. But I do have to say they even saw it wasn't me this time around. Do the poll. I know there is a reference to when you live or are in a relationship with a BPD, I don't know how it's said. I believe it's a french study. The 2 become 1. When you seperate, that's when you start to feel better. Mine had me thinking I was the one with the problem, he even had me get medicated.Do the poll.

[Laurie]

I'm still not sure.  Did I contribute to the havoc?  I don't even know.  I don't think so, but I've been blamed enough to question myself and my intentions.  I know I am far from perfect, but I will rise above and so will you.

[Victorious]

Between fleas, co-dependency and genetic connections to my BPDs I still worry if I'm just a high-functioning BPD and can't see the truth:

emotional intimacy, relationship and abandoment issues

abuse of outside sources to numb or alleviate feelings

low self-esteem, low self-worth

[Lil_Arch]

I have deffinatly thought about it being me as well... Mainly because Hear me out. I have the abandonment issues like Serious Abbadoment issues. I am so scared of being abandoned its not even funny, everyone in my life has pretty much abandoned me in some way or another wheather it be phycially or mentally. I do get moody however I do think its because I live with a BP and I get angry at times... However I do not do self harm. I just have depression which is common in Nons... So yes I have deffinatly thought about it alot... I have read many times that the book " I hate you dont leave me" Or something kinda makes you feel like You have borderline even thou you don't? I get to the point with my abandonment issues that if I am in an argument with someone and they want to leave I sit in front of the door and don't let them leave me. Yes I know this is a problem I need to focus on...  

[an0ught]

For the few German speakers here on the board a BPD self test: www.psychotherapiepraxis.at/surveys/test_borderline.phtml

I thought it is quite good - have not found an equivalent in english yet - how reliable - you need to judge for yourself. For me it was confirmation what my T said. And still I think it is necessary to work through the DSM criteria and look hard at the evidence from a distance and in context. I wrote everything down what I remembered or heard.

[TruthWillBeRevealed]

Stick with it. Self evaluation is critical to any happy life.

Know thyself.

[Marcie]

I've been reflecting lately on the person that I am & I have a lot of BPD traits.

sometimes I feel that I was using my uBPDbf too. I feel like he was just using me and like I was using him. I don't know why I feel this way? I really loved him & somewhere in the middle of the relationship I believed he was the one and we would be together for ever. But another part of me remembers when I first met him, I knew he was not the one and that there was no way I could be with this person for the rest of my life. I figured he could just be "MR. Right Now" at the time.

[vangirl60]

Interesting... .I echo those feelings... .

[seeking balance]

growing up in any kind of dyfunctional or invalidating family we develop a false self to cope.  for example, ACOA tend to look a lot like BPD, just not quite as severe.

the first step really is looking in the mirror - you are doing that

for me, next is truly being authentic in my emotions and actions.  it takes practice, growing up in an invalidating environment meant that I put on certain faces at certain times.  In life, as adults we still do this from time to time; however, rather than it being a reaction it now is a mindful choice.

Be gentle and patient with yourself - we all have BPD traits especially under severe stress.

peace, sb

[frtbt2]

So I've been having some relationship issues recently that were directly related to fleas from my UBPDmother and I finally found a counsellor that specialized in Bi Polar, Borderline, and generic personality and mood disorders. Four or Five minutes in talking to her about the fleas that I was worried about she has confirmed that these are all characteristically borderline. On one hand, I'm kind of excited because one, I'm not going to end up like her, I'm going to fix it now. But on the other hand, I'm like her now and that kills me. Has anyone else had an experience like this or been diagnosed themselves? How did therapy go?

[rooster1106]

i agree with everything sadforson said! my mom was never willing to do therapy and i've done it for some years and am still young. makes a huge difference, as well as all kinds of other things in life.

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

I am doing alot of reading on disorders, healing, personality tests etc.

I know this is probably not a good time to be taking unoffical tests, but I have noticed a recurring theme in almost all (if not all) test results...

Either my #1 or #2 highest scoring PD is Dependent... .

I know this is a turbulent time emotionally for me, so the results COULD be skewed...

I do know that I fit 6 of the DSM (over the 5 required)...

[OTH]

If you have DPD you had it before the r/s. It was just brought out front and center.

Many of us have our own issues that living with a person with a PD can bring out. You would do yourself a great favor by seeing a therapist and seeking to understand yourself and your role in the dysfunctional relationship.

It takes two people to be in a dysfunctional relationship. What was her part? What was yours? It is important to figure this out so we can lead healthier lives and make better decisions for our future.

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

OTH,

I am seeing 2 therapists... one I will drop soon.

The reason I went with the DPD thing, is because I took online psychiatric evaluations and said that I had a tendency for DPD. I took them because I'm wondering why 2 1/2 months out I'm not making any progress from the attachment. I cannot let her go, and I don't know why. I have tried everything I can think of from writing down as many memories I can of wanting out at the time, to the bad times. I know the online tests are not accurate and can only point to a tendency in the here and now, so I am trying to figure out if I truely am DPD or that's just my enmeshment showing through in the test.

My therapist did diagnose me with PTSD and is using EMDR therapy to help over come it... .I haven't felt any thing yet.

Thanks for the feedback.

[OTH]

Be gentle with yourself,

DBT could also be helpful to you for PTSD. Radical acceptance and Mindfullness are powerful tools for recovery. I didn't start feeling good for about 5 months myself. The change really began when I quit focusing on her part of it and started focusing on my own.

I made a conscious decision to focus on myself. Exercise, Eating well, Plenty of sleep, Time with family, bring old friends back into my life (Who had gotten distance because of my BPD relationship), joined a hiking group, joined a restaurant meetup group, started going out on friendly dates, etc. I made a busy life for myself. I didn't feel like doing these things but I got up and started fighting for myself. One day I noticed I just felt better. It kept getting better.

Detaching from these relationships is a difficult process. It will take some time. Keep working at it.

Good luck,

OTH

[goldstar]

My therapist did diagnose me with PTSD and is using EMDR therapy to help over come it... .

Me too.  Give yourself time.  There's not a quick fix, no matter how we wish it to be so.  EMDR has helped me tremendously. Give it a chance.  It really helped me not engage with the ex and see situations from my past differently.  I don't get so wrapped up in little things and hurts anymore.  I don't dwell on slights or negative situations.  A lot of things we can not change and the past is one of them.  

[theridler]

Hi,

I've not been on these boards much in the last year or so - I split with my BPDex in Nov 2009 and things have been fairly rosy since.

However, for the past six months I've been quite depressed, and looking back at my behaviour both before and since the relationship, as well as my emotions, I've noticed many disturbing PD parallels.  I'm not diagnosing myself with BPD or anything - I realise that the fact I can reflect on these behaviours means I almost certainly don't have a PD.  Low self esteem and depression fit much better!  But it scares me!

* I am an attention seeker, and tend to do things for approval rather than their own sake.

* I seem to be very flexible in my point of view, and find it very easy to fit myself round others' beliefs.  I almost find myself trying to live up to the values of those around me.

* I have poor boundaries with healthy people.  With unhealthy people, I know how to push them away and keep them at a distance, but with people with well defined characters, I often feel quite swamped.

* I want intimacy, but when it is available I seem to just push it away and sabotage it.

* I seem to do that thing that BPDs do where when I first start something I think I'm awesome at it and it's brilliant, then once I get used to it I start thinking I can't do it, I'm no good, it's no good, and I collapse.

* I push/pull in relationships, and sometimes feel like I'm acting.

* I wrap people up in my dramas in a big way.

* I think in black and white a lot of the time.  Professionally and academically, I can see shades of grey no problem, but in my personal life and emotionally I can't.

* I'm forever trying to 'beat' people rather than fulfil my own ambitions/desires, which are very inconsistent.

* And that's because (I think) I don't really know who I am and wonder if there is anything at the core of all this or just a vaccuum.

* I can be very emotionally destructive - self sabotage etc.

* I think I'm a little sexually deviant (nothing illegal, just destructive and a$$holish).

I think perhaps I'm reading these boards in order to make myself feel worse.  After all, if I had BPD, I wouldn't have been able to sustain the friendships I have sustained over many years, and the post BPD relationship year that I spent single wouldn't have been such a happy one.  But this whole thing feels like an act, always cycling back to destruction and having to start again.

I've been in therapy for around 4 months, and I'm on Sertraline.  And I just want to SCREEEAAMMMM!

[marlo6277]

How long were you in a relationship with your ex?

I ask this because I find that my own DH had a lot of work to do after his relationship ended and ours began.  He's come a ways after 6 years with me, but he still has a ways to go.

I've explained to him that it took him 9 yrs to get to the point he was at after the relationship ended, so for him to expect to bounce back after a short period of kind of setting himself up for disaster.  For 9 yrs he had to change his thinking, his every move, his very existence in order to accomodate for the relationship issues.  Now he has to turn around and undo all that? Not an easy task.

* I seem to be very flexible in my point of view, and find it very easy to fit myself round others' beliefs.  I almost find myself trying to live up to the values of those around me.

* I seem to do that thing that BPDs do where when I first start something I think I'm awesome at it and it's brilliant, then once I get used to it I start thinking I can't do it, I'm no good, it's no good, and I collapse.

* I push/pull in relationships, and sometimes feel like I'm acting.

* I'm forever trying to 'beat' people rather than fulfil my own ambitions/desires, which are very inconsistent.

* And that's because (I think) I don't really know who I am and wonder if there is anything at the core of all this or just a vaccuum.

* I can be very emotionally destructive - self sabotage etc.

My husband still has issues with the above, like you.  And as I've said - he's been out of the relationship for over 7 yrs and with me for 6 +. 

It's work to get yourself around.  You said you are going to therapy - has your T given you any insights?

Marlo 

[isilme]

I hope this is the right place to ask something like this.  I grew up with two BPD parents, and in my infinite wisdom sought out a relationship with a man who also seems to fit many of these traits.  But, reading the list of traits, I feel that I possess some of the same issues:

   1. I will always be alone

*  2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

*  3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

   4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

*  5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

   6. I have no control of myself.

   7. I can't discipline myself.

   8. I don't really know what I want.

   9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.  

  10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

  11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

* 12. I will never get what I want.

* 13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

* 14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

  15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

* 16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

  17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

  18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

  19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

  20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

I'd like some input, please, about whether this means I, too, suffer from BPD, or am I just acting out learned and defensive behaviors from my childhood, feeling this way because I was my parents' parent more often than they mine?  I don't feel that I can't make it through life on my own, I just feel sad at the prospect.  I DO beat myself up and feel worthless a lot of the time, but again, I'm not sure if that just from my parents' poor examples or if I've learned "too well" from them.  

I don't feel I "need" someone to fall back on r rely on - I've been pretty independent since childhood.  Can children recovering from their BPD parents have some traits without acting out all the negative behaviors?  I've been so used to hiding my feelings, keeping them dampened because I'd get in trouble for expressing them, and, and I've been told that I'm wrong about how things happened when I can swear I KNOW I didn't do things I'm being accused of... .I question my own judgement and have tried to find friends close enough to know some of my family history to help me review things to see if they are remembering things as I do, when possible.  Sorry if this is in the wrong place or doesn't make sense.  One of the most hurtful things SO can tell me when he's in angry-mode is that I'm crazy like my mother (she's very self-destructive in her delusional behavior - dad was always much better at hiding it from strangers).  Since I realized she was "sick" I've been terrified of being like her (or him).  

[Noob]

I feel like I used to display a lot of Borderline behaviors, and was generally really unhealthy, looked to others for validation and resented them when it wasn't enough, could not self-soothe, thrived on chaos, and was totally out of control emotionally.  Not just in my last relationship with the Borderline, but also in my previous big relationships (though there were other factors at work in those as well, including possibly NPD and addiction... .)

But as a result of being with BPD ex, the skills I had to use in order to cope with the relationship, and later to heal from it... .as a result I have for the most part gotten rid of those tendencies, and what remains, I am mindful of and able to manage without acting out in messed up ways.

So it's like... .maybe I was Borderline until I fell in love with a way more messed up Borderline?

[RCA212]

I've wondered the same thing - I wouldn't go so far as to say I was borderline - rather just had some really unhealthy habits and mindsets - even some that are traits of BPD.  Sometimes I'll read stuff and say "wow, I used to do that!  ?"  I've noticed that since I've been with BPDh I've COMPLETELY abandoned those - almost like I just snapped out of it all of a sudden.  I felt completely out of control at one point - it was scary! 

 

[qcarolr]

Noob - I have been pondering this question a lot lately. The pwBPD in my life is my DD25 - she has recently been allowed to return to our home after being evicted 11/2009 and homeless on the streets until 6/2011. Having her in my life created within me feelings of craziness and chaos the whole 25 years since we adopted her at 3 weeks. I am a little crazy - dx bipolar at age 33 when DD was age 3. She was just this continuous trigger for me to get depressed, rage, cry ---- at one point the words 'borderline personality' did appear on a discharge from psych hospital stay - though I did not read this until recently. So I wonder - am I really a recovering BPD with bipolar II disorder?

I am really strugging with keeping my calm, accepting state of mind lately. And find I take out my frustrations with avoidance and anger shoveled onto those in my household - including gd6 at times. Why is it that kids sense your distress and act out more when you can least cope? ?  

When I was working in the DBT workbook I bought to try to understand that treatment - DD has this workbook now and I am so very grateful she in now in a place to read it and not throw it back in my face - there were few of the characteristics that really fit me now. Maybe if I was filling it out at various earlier stages in my life more of them would have applied. But what use is that excercise - I am really trying to focus on the here and now and making my life work more smoothly.

Yet I have lost touch with some of the great skills I have learned here and in other therapuetic places in my community life. I am feeling so very tired - just overwhelmed by the details of life that I have come to find rest on my shoulders. I have brought this up to both DD and dh = I need them to step up and take on some of the RESPONSIBILITY for details of running a household.

Am i getting off track for this thread here - sorry if that is the case. Just so cool that this thread was here for me tonight - I am in such a better place than when DD had to leave our home nearly 2 years ago, and we are building a much healthier relationship now. So I have learned a lot - just need to catch up on my sleep and find the time each day to practice finding my peace.

qcr