PROGNOSIS: Why does BPD sometimes inactive for years?

[BPDFamily.com]

re: tough chick

mine too. This is a very interesting thread. I have thought about this a lot. My view is that there is some NPD at play in these cases. Mine had these times where she seemed incredibly powerful, strong and together and was fully aware of her external beauty and almost high on that knowledge(know it all seems quite arrogant) and the power that gave her over men and people in general. The only time I ever knew of her facade truly crumbling was when I dumped her. And her rages always revolved around her being able to take care of herself and not needing anyone to look after her. "I've made it just fine for 36 years and I don't need your help for anything!" ugh, so glad I got out of that!

I discovered BPD after first discovering NPD. When I stumbled on NPD it seemed like a revelation but it didn't feel like the complete explanation. I asked my T about if she agreed mine was likely a bit bit NPD, but probably more BPD. I hadn't heard about it before but when I went home and read about it on the internet all the missing pieces fell into place.

So when I often look at some of the things she did and said, some are classic NPD, some are classic BPD. The BPD/NPD combo seems like a particularly deadly combination to me as both are so self centered, just in different ways. Overall I would put her ratio of disorders at something like 60%BPD/40%NPD, with a dash of OCD thrown in for a little extra zest :P

[a_close_call]

re: tough chick

mine too. This is a very interesting thread. I have thought about this a lot. My view is that there is some NPD at play in these cases. Mine had these times where she seemed incredibly powerful, strong and together and was fully aware of her external beauty and almost high on that knowledge(know it all seems quite arrogant) and the power that gave her over men and people in general. The only time I ever knew of her facade truly crumbling was when I dumped her. And her rages always revolved around her being able to take care of herself and not needing anyone to look after her. "I've made it just fine for 36 years and I don't need your help for anything!" ugh, so glad I got out of that!

I discovered BPD after first discovering NPD. When I stumbled on NPD it seemed like a revelation but it didn't feel like the complete explanation. I asked my T about if she agreed mine was likely a bit bit NPD, but probably more BPD. I hadn't heard about it before but when I went home and read about it on the internet all the missing pieces fell into place.

So when I often look at some of the things she did and said, some are classic NPD, some are classic BPD. The BPD/NPD combo seems like a particularly deadly combination to me as both are so self centered, just in different ways. Overall I would put her ratio of disorders at something like 60%BPD/40%NPD, with a dash of OCD thrown in for a little extra zest :P

[Silas Pseudonym]

Close Call

I think we have a match!  Whadaya think?  Should we fix your psycho, up with mine?

Silas

[a_close_call]

Silas,

Ha! not a bad idea, then they could terrorize each other :evil:

and not sure if yours is male or female, but it doesn't really matter. Mine mentioned wanting to "try it with a woman." And maybe I could "join in." I haven't heard it mentioned, but I bet that is a pretty common hook for borderline women. On one level, due to their identity issues, they are probably truly unsure about their sexuality especially since they have had so many "problems" with men that it might seem like a good option. On the other hand it is a powerful hook as many guys would think that is pretty sexy having a girl bring another girl into the bed. Although when I was a lad I might have thought it was cool, as an adult I have imagine dany such group encounter would most likely be awkward and weird. Anyway, it was one of the red flags I noticed but ignored that a mother of 2 young kids might now be such a good mom if she is experimenting with her sexuality in her late 30s.

[a_close_call]

silas,

just read further up the strain and saw that yours is a man. Truly, a match made in hell!

Still I'm curious if anyone else has had the "threesome" hook used on them?

[LAPDR]

Oh, mine went bi-sexual for a while, real identity crisis for her, if she got into a threesome it was from the other side of the fence, if I was there I would of probably puked on them.

Back to the original question of the post:

If this disorder is congenital then it came from the genes of one of their parents. Sounds like there could be a test and a cure for it down the road. If it’s from childhood conditioning then I would think a young person entering the adult world to have a trial period of getting their feet wet before taking full flight into altered behavior. If we analyze it as a chemical imbalance that is triggered by another chemical wouldn’t there be a chance of some test for it down the road? I’m not sure if it’s really dormant or does it just take a long time rear it’s crazy head?

Mine had childhood experiences that could not have been very good and a few critical experiences that were repressed as nothing special. When first married there were many little red flags that I didn’t recognize or paste together as a developing personality problem. There was a event in her family lit the fuse and she was off and flying, later she hooked up with Mogan David and her after burner was lit. I picked on Jack Daniels for a while but gave it up but she continued on with every Tom, Dick and Harry in town.

LA

[dah1029]

I just want to ask everyone a question that confuses me.  Can BPD's have calm periods for years, which then alternate with an unstable period?  I ask this because my undiagnosed exBPDbf was married for 18 years.  His wife passed away to cancer in June of 2009.  Very quickly he was on internet dating sites looking for a replacement.  I met him early October of 2009.  I was hesitant to get too involved because of the recent loss and my desire to not be a rebound.  We had many bumps in the road over the almost 2 years that we dated. Usually I attributed odd behaviors to grief, being new in the dating world, and untreated depression.  He won me over with his mirroring and his idealizing of me.  Being up on that pedestal is a great ego boost.  This past August 2010, I confronted him about some behaviors he was having.  I had no idea at the time that he probably has BPD.  I insisted that he see his doc to get his depression treated, see a counselor, get a physical exam due to constant health complaints, or I would not  continue seeing him.  I told him my reasons were that I wanted him healthy for a future together and that he needed to be proactive with his health-- he's 51.  I'm sure that I triggered his abandonment fears.  He immediately dropped out of my life, my children's lives, our friends, our social network, etc.  A few weeks later he admitted to hiding a  drinking problem from me.  This man was wonderful, although suffocating to me at times, when we were dating.  He jumped right into the step daddy role-- without me pushing for that.  He would go to my son's sporting activities even when I wasn't there.  Acted like this was what he wanted.  My kids adore him and miss him badly.

Now that I realize what I was dealing with, I wonder how he maintained a marriage for 18 years?  He and his wife did not have children, she did not have a big career, and she was available most likely to his every need.  They acted like an old married couple from what I've heard.  He drove her to get her hair done, grocery shop, and set up her interior home party stuff at various homes.  Maybe her death triggered abandonment terror?  Then my career, busy lifestyle, and independence made him even more unstable.  :)oes anyone have any information on BPD's that are stable for a long time, and then something triggers all their behaviors?  I'm just curious.  I was always devoted to him but he would randomly send me emails accusing me of betrayal.  I use to say, I barely have time for you, why would I be out with someone else?  I couldn't be available to cater to his every ego need because I have such a demanding life.  I wonder why he ever even thought that I was a good match for him.  

[SeekingInnerPeace]

DAH, I am relatively new here.  I have just read through all the posts in this thread prior to yours.  I am no expert and do not have all the answers.  I can only surmise based upon what I read, as well as based upon my own experiences.  It seems it may be possible that some will have periods of time when it “appears” the BPD is lying dormant.  It seems that the negative behaviors for some are often only triggered by major stressors.  But I believe this is the exception and not the rule.

Perhaps any “dormancy” only exists due to the dynamics of the couple.  If the dynamics change for any reason, it could trigger the BPD again.  Perhaps for some of them, so long as they are getting their way, and their spouse is “compliant” and generally submissive – b/c that’s just who they are by nature – the BPD will not be evident.  There are so many different possible scenarios.

It is possible your ex-b/f’s wife, God rest her soul, either found a way to survive within the marriage; or, despite being a victim, couldn’t recognize the abuse for what it was; or, she learned how to deal with him, and he could not get away with the behaviors.  Despite how they appeared as a couple to the rest of the world, who knows what went on behind closed doors?  Perhaps in doting on her, it made him feel in control, even though it may have looked like he was being submissive; or, she did not view it as smothering, due to her own personality.  I have read that BPDs alternate between being submissive and going on the attack, depending on which ploy best serves their own needs.

The other important factor to remember is that many, if not all of them, lie, repeatedly.  They are also very good at painting themselves in the best possible light to the outside world.  It is often only close family members who see the behaviors.  And some victims unfortunately protect their abusers out of fears that range from being judged – what will happen if others know –  to what will happen if I leave?  It can become a matter of survival in many cases.  It might be bad right now, but it could be worse if I try to leave.  Some stay due to religious beliefs that frown upon divorce.  You may not have the whole story from him.  Others may not have the whole story b/c they can only go by what they saw, and as we all know, you cannot judge a book by its cover.  It is hard to believe – it is hard to get your head around – that there are people out there walking around who exhibit these kinds of disturbing behaviors.  I also believe there are different levels to the behaviors.  One pwBPD might not be as “bad” as another.  Until I experienced it for myself, I only thought people like my BPDH existed on TV and in movies and books.  On some level, I did not think they were real, or I thought they were so rare, the chances of running into one was remote.  Yet I see the Internet and books exploding about them, and it seems they are far more prevalent than many of us suspected.

As far as why he chose you, some questions are better left unanswered and will forever remain a mystery.  I think on an unconscious level, they often pick us out, b/c they perceive there is a weak link in the chain somewhere that might be more easily broken.  Traits most people would view as positive are seen as weaknesses by them (such as empathy, understanding, compassion).  If we feel these things for others, then perhaps we will feel these things for them, even after they’ve done something negative.  They prey upon our good traits in an effort to get away with all the bad stuff they do.  This has been my experience, anyway.  Eventually, all the bad stuff they do wears us down.

My BPDH picked me out, too.  But I would not consider him at first.  He didn’t seem like my type.  Believe it or not, he seemed “safe”.  He was high-functioning and “appeared” to be extremely responsible.  Clean-cut, good job, homeowner, pet dog, savings account, no bad habits (that were obvious, anyway…I only found out much later about his sex addiction, the shopping sprees, the shoplifting, the embezzlement, and the reckless driving…he kept it all well-hidden for awhile, until he felt it was safe to let his guard down, at which point I was also devalued for protesting against said bad habits, and along with that came a healthy dose of emotional and verbal abuse, which had not been dished out prior).  I decided to consider him after months went by after knowing he existed, b/c it was my way of “thinking outside the box”, in considering the possibility that someone who was not my type might be the way to go.  All the party boys I had dated up to that point didn’t work out, so what did I have to lose by dating someone who didn’t smoke, who didn’t drink, and who wasn’t a long-haired, Harley-riding musician?  In the end, what I almost lost was my sanity.  I had no idea he would be the biggest bad boy out of them all.  In a line-up, I would not have picked him out.  In hindsight, he was the most guilty out of everyone I’ve ever known.

Consider yourself lucky that you managed to recognize the red flags and that you got out when you did.  I ignored the red flags, like so many do.  Actually, what I did was explain them away, by making excuses for him, on his behalf.  How could someone who treated me so well in all these ways, be capable of mistreating me in all these other ways?  The two were polar opposites and conflicting.  In the process, I ended up compromising myself.  And many of them I could not even recognize until much later.  My BPDH’s specialty is that which is covert.  You have the sense you were just hit, but you’re not sure exactly why.  He nearly destroyed me by systematically wearing me down.  My mistake was in believing that everyone is rehabilitation material…everyone is capable of change…everyone is inherently good.  Not true.  The only possible, albeit remote, chance, is if they happen to cross paths with the right therapist who is trained to deal with PDs, and who is smart enough not to be fooled into thinking they’ve changed, if they really haven’t.  Besides, it takes years of therapy before any real change happens, from what I understand.

P.S. – My BPDH was married to his first wife for 20 years, before they divorced.  Their marriage was a tumultuous one.  From listening to him, it was all her fault, of course.  I have never talked to her in private, but if I ever did, I would love to hear her side of the story.  That being said, she is also clearly an evil woman, and perhaps a pwBPD herself, and I would not necessarily believe all she had to say either.  If looks could kill, I would not be here.  You can see the blood boiling behind her eyes whenever I am around.  Being married for that many years does not mean that all is rosy.  I actually thought my BPDH was more of marriage material all for the fact he had been married that long the first time around.  I now know it was only for the kids, and all they did was tolerate one another.  They were able to remain married b/c they each took opposite work shifts from one another, so that they wouldn’t have to be around one another.  You will probably never know what the real story may have been with your ex-b/f’s marriage.

[hithere]

Yes!  It is a combination of this:

i dont think anybody here was dormant , ill speak for my self but i could say that as long as wthe wonderfuls outweighed the horribles ... .i looked the other way... .so in my relationship ... .if it was dormant ... .thats because i convinced myself of that ... .but as i look back ... the red flags were at half mast... .then they went up to the top at somepoint

and

STRESS!

I also don't believe it lays dormant as much as it gets overlooked and then can intensify.  Once the idealization period goes the real life stresses take front-and-center and those were what led to the major rages and crazy behaviour. 

She and I started crossing lines we never crossed before and as she was nastier to me I got dragged down into the same black-hole.  The more terrible things you say to each other the harder it is to forgive and forget.  Then once you are painted black to friends and family it is really hard to bounce back and that was one of the final straws for me.