What do women want anyways?

[PDQuick]

Oh, how original! Since we did it ladies, your turn. What is it that you want in a man? What is it that will bring you to your knees, and fall head over heals?

[LAPDR]

Where's the poll, where's the poll? PD you gotta keep the skinny up.  :

[PDQuick]

What poll? Am I missing something here?

[gambaru]

More storage space.

[Cyndi]

OK, only fair,

I want a man who has character, integrity, Is loyal, hard working, has family values and some morals.  Just want to be treated with dignity and respect.  Be easy going, can admit when they are wrong, are able to discuss issues in a healthy way.

and one who can actually HEAR their wedding vows as they are saying them and understand just what they are vowing to do.

They could look like an ogre for all I care, if they have all the above, I'd take a bullit for that guy

guess maybe we should ask ages?  I am 47

[Susan Peabody]

At 58 I am not looking anymore . . . thank God I have finally found what I am looking for . . . while I was looking I was looking for all the wrong things. . . I had many lists .  . . all of them superficial and a description of what I THOUGHT would make me happy. It took me 40 years just to add "available" to the list. Your think that would be right at the top, but I am a torch bearer from way back. If I were to make a list of what I have found it would be . . . "available both physically and emotionally, a completment to my personality, someone who does not want me to change drastically but just wants me to smooth off the rouch edges; someone who thrills me every once in awhile; someone who does not have to change very much to please me; someone one I get along with; someone who brings out the best of my personality not the worst; someone who will try as hard as I do to committ to a lifetime together with all the ups and downs; someone who will work as hard as I do to keep the relationship happy, healthy and exciting.

I used to think I knew what kind of person would do all this for me, but the person I finally met was a COMPLETE SURPRISE. The package was not what I expected. It is only in hindsight that I know what I should have been looking for because I FOUND IT.

I am a spiritual person. I finally brought God into the picture when it came to choosing my partner in my forties. In my fifties I gave up. The unopened marital package arrived when I was 56. When it was a sure thing I confided to my therapist that I had been looking for true love all of my life . . . that I had finally found it . . . and that it was every thing I had hoped for.



Happily married at last . . .

Susan Peabody

[Cyndi]

don't mean to jack the thread...

but Susan, I just wanted to tell you how much your post meant to me..

I have been going through the last few weeks whining...

about how old I am now

about he was my last chance at love

about he was the best I could get at my age...

how everybody at my age is happily married

there are no NICE men out there anymore

reading your post, I feel hopeful again...thanks Susan

Maybe when I stop looking, I will find it?

sorry PD... back to your question,,,,,,,

[MGMom]

Since I think that is a picture of George Strait you have under your name, I thought I'd share this story.  Although I am happily married to someone else, the smoothest thing a guy ever did was learn to play and sing a George Strait song I had casually mentioned I liked.  We were in college, and we were driving down the road.  "You Look So Good in Love" came on the radio.  I told him that it was a corny song, but it gave me chill bumps when George starts talking in the middle of the song.   A couple of weeks passed, and we were hanging out with a bunch of his buddies playing guitar and "chilling."  He played guitar, but he played a completely different style of music.  Anyway, he goes, "I've been working on this one a while.  What do you guys think of it?  Then, he proceeds to play and sing my song. Needless to say, I told his friends that it had been fun but they needed to go home right then. LOL

So, I guess women want a man who make us feel as if they are wooing us.   

[csandra]

I know this will be off the wall because I am barely imagining having another man in my life(though I now believe that it WILL happen). 

Anyway, I am looking for a good step father for my kids.  I want someone who will love and appreciate my kids almost as much as I do.  And the good thing is that they are practically "done" so no great effort will be required.  Who ever gets me, gets the whole package and my kids have to give full approval. 

So, I have to have someone who will talk in full sentences.  Someone with sense of humor and will help me to not take myself so seriously.  I HAVE to be with someone who will at least consider travel, going places.  I love to plan trips...doesn't have to be far.  I don't camp, but then maybe it will seem more appealing when I get these 30 staples removed from my abdomen. 

They have to tolerate my extended family in small doses(mom and dad likely NPD/BPD but in a usually pleasant sort of way).  It would be a bonus if we shared same faith, maybe church involvement(but I am quite gun shy on this one, right now).

The man I become involved with MUST like what he does for a living or at least have something that he DOES like and take pride in.  Reminds me of a list I wrote a while back.  I really don't want to deal with anyone's exwife, nor do I want to rehabilitate children. 

Right now, or at least when I am finally NOT married...I'd just like to go out to dinner once in a while, watch dvds, talk on the phone, that kind of stuff. Anything more is just too scary.

MGMom...Wow...goosebumps and all that.

[Peace4us]

What do women want, we want it all, LOL

Ok for real here are my abc's

aware, balanced, caring, demonstrative, emotionally secure, financially responsible, generous of spirit, humble, intelligent, just, kind, loving, mature, neat, open, partnership  material, quick witted, resourceful, sensitive, talkative, uncomplicated, vivacious, wise, xxx  :evil:, young at heart, zest for life.


Someone who allows us to be us and challenges us to know how good us really is.

Peace4us

[turtle]

My T recently told me that a good marriage really boils down to 3 things.

respect

responsibility

and fun to be around

There's quite a bit to be said when defining all 3 of those things, but I think she's right.

Turtle

[Ave Marina]

First of all, someone that isn't a BP. That's for openers. Actually my SO has the potential to be everything I want if only Mr. Hyde would take a hike. Someone that likes sushi, and enjoys a variety of foods. My SO hates cheese, so that limits a lot of foods that I fix. He hates seafood, which I love. I would enjoy eating a gourmet meal (which is lost on him)over candlelight with a fine wine. The wine is out because he is an alcoholic. Long romantic walks on the beach. We are limited here, because he is disabled. Hopefully that will change in the near future. I would love to go dancing. No can do, here again, the disability. He used to buy me flowers. Then I ended up buying them for myself. I would like to be put on a pedestal and left there. He puts me on a pedestal, and then shoves me off when Mr. Hyde shows up. One day I'm his queen, and the next I could be the bride of dracula in his eyes. He never tells me I'm beautiful as much anymore. I have a few pounds, and he hints that I need to be a little thinner. The sex life has been put on the back burner. There are never any sexual inuendos. It's as if we are brother and sister in that respect. That too is getting a little old. All of this he blames on his physical problems. Me thinks, he had trouble in that area even before I came along and before his physical problems set in. Most important would be if he would find God. He is so bitter in this way. I go to church daily and am so envious of the couples walking into church holding hands. How wonderful if we could worship together. He doesn't miss a time where he has to give me a jab about my religious beliefs. I would like someone who didn't sleep until noon. Someone who wasn't so self centered and so self absorbed. OK I'm so over it with him. Anyway this is my wish list.

Ave

[LAPDR]

Turtle;

I hope that 'fun to be around' has all the etcetera, etcetera, etcetera with it. 

LA

[NHBeachBum]

Shoes...lots & lots of shoes. And a walk in closet to put them all in.

[turtle]

Lapdr --- like I said -- there's lots of definition building that goes into that criteria.  I believe in etcetera, etcetera, etcetera --- but maybe etcetera, etcetera, etcetera means something different to you than it does to me    Who knows?  Back to the Katherine Hepburn quote.

Shoes...lots & lots of shoes. And a walk in closet to put them all in.

Yes, NHBeachBum --- that's good for openers.

Turt

[Moving On]

Another thread hijack (sorry).  But csandra - the traveling thing is funny.  The Terminatrix is SO difficult to travel with, that the idea of travel is going to take me a while to get used to once I'm "out".  The word "Vacation" sends chills up and down my spine - I'd rather stay at work sometimes.

Back the the thread...

[NewLifeforHGG]

I want a man that is thoughtful, open minded, sincere, genuine, sensitive, spontaneous, willing to have an adventure, MUST have a sense of humor, likes to laugh, curious about life, loves the ahem physical side of relationships, is able to talk things through, loyal and will adore my child and cats. I want him to be ok with me having my space. He won't belittle my interests. I don't expect to agree about everything but disagreements should be handled with respect.

He must have some morals and values that coincide with mine mostly.

Good hygiene and reasonable cleanliness would be a necessary.

Able to be intimate.

Has a positive attitude.

[PDQuick]

Tee hee hee hee, Peace said Quick Witted! LOL!

[badlux]

A recovered Non.  That's what I want and exactly what I ended up with.  My husband is a recovering Non, which means he has everyone of those wonderful qualities that makes a non a non, but he is also a recovering non. That means he has all his boundaries in place and does everything he can to keep the chaos of the exBPD at a distance from our lives. 

What made him a non are all such wonderful qualities, but just wasted on a BPD.

[elphaba]

Fair is fair PD...

I think for the most part I truly agree with Peace's abcs...yes, including the quick witted one!   

Someone who allows us to be us and challenges us to know how good us really is.

I had at one point in the process of deciding stay/leave written down the qualities I wanted in a partner and happen to have them handy... romantic, compassionate, attentive, fun!, supportive, tender, positive outlook, humor, affectionate, HONEST, creative, passionate, respectful, responsible and NOT mentally ill!

Now is that too much to ask?

[TonyC]

people are so worried about age... , i will never love again...he /she was my last chance, i will sit home and watch tv till my time comes

open your eyes!

open your minds!

we are some of most sincere and caring people around...

meeting someone and falling in love...is never something to be written off...

tony

[Cyndi]

Hey, Tony,


May I ask how old you are?

[TonyC]

46

[Moving On]

Lordy, I think we could start a mid-to-late 40's club here.

[Felicity]

All BPD baggage aside, here is what attracts me to a guy:

Initial attraction: Looks, smile, height, and job.  A guy who has a career is more attractive than a guy who is just working to pay the bills.  No job = no attraction.  A guy who is good with his hands is VERY attractive (mechanics, carpenter that kind of thing).  I like a guy who can fix stuff. 

What keeps me attracted:  Personality, respect, not too demanding.  I like a guy who is very good at something (sports, computers, drawing etc).  It doesn't really matter what it is, just that he excels at something and is an expert.  I guess I like guys that have direction in their lives.

[NHBeachBum]

Tee hee hee hee, Peace said Quick Witted! LOL!

I thought Peace said ":)im Witted". DARN! For a second I thought she was talking about me. Oops - that would have been my exBPODgf!

-NHBB

[csandra]

Oh yeah.  Not to sound too sexist, but I find the whole "ladder" thing quite appealing.  Not only would I be attracted to someone who  can fix things, but someone who LIKES to fix things.  I like to make stuff, do things. 

My uNPDstbx and I wallpapered most of house after removing  7 layers...we found working electrical wall sconces and 2 arches that we didn't know existed.  He really didn't mind and we liked doing that kind of stuff together.  Why couldn't my husband just have gone back to the original , nice version ?  Guess I will be looking for some consistency next time.

[JoannaK]

O.K., I haven't read through this whole thread, which is probably for the best.

I started dating again as my exh and I were separating over 5 years ago now.  I was 50.  I got more discerning every month, and perhaps, if I hadn't hooked up with my bf after a half year or so, I might have been even more discerning. 

But this is what I was looking for:

1.  Age range between mid 40's up to about 60.  (No absolute cutoff for too young or too old.)  The two men that I most clicked with were 45 and 49 (my boyfriend.)

2.  Location...  Initially I talked to a few long distance people, but after a couple of meetings, I realized that this wasn't going to work.  I wanted a person that I was able to see (if the relationship was going to go forward) on a regular basis, meaning at least one or two nights a week, and that wasn't going to happen with someone who lived cross-country or even 3-4 hours away.  So I decided to limit my search to people living within an hour's ride.

3.  Reasonably physically attractive...   Sorry, I'm human.  No tattooed muscle men types, taller (at least 4-5 inches taller than me, and I'm about 5'5".  No repulsive physical traits.

4.  Should appear to be emotionally available, which meant no longer living with or pining about a former wife or gf.  If the man spent too much time talking about an ex, he was history.   

5.  No little kids; that is, kids younger than 11 or 12.  My son was 14; I had just finished teaching, and I  no longer had energy to deal with little kids, plus I didn't want to get involved with the whole meddling mom thing.  

6.  The guy absolutely needed to work, and he needed to have a decent reasonably well-paying job which he liked...  He had to like his job and be happy with his work.  Now by reasonably well-paying, I wasn't specifying a 6-digit income, but the guy had to be able to pay his bills (whatever they happened to be) and live reasonably comfortably, not a big house or mansion, but at least a decent apartment that had some decent furniture in it.  Oh yes, he had to have a working car.  Yeah, I lived in the city and plenty of people in the city don't have cars, but, really...  How can you go anywhere without a decent car?    

7.  As we are talking about middle-aged guys here, I was hoping to find someone who was reasonably healthy.  I will say that almost every man I met spent quite a bit of time telling me about his recent illnesses and his current illnesses.  Being recently ill wasn't a deal-breaker, but the person needed to be... well, reasonably robust. 

8.  He had to be bright and reasonably articulate.  As I was initially meeting people on line, I must confess that spelling and grammar were important to me.  I couldn't feel a lot of interest in someone who couldn't spell or put together an intelligent paragraph.  (Sorry, this is me.)  Degrees and formal education weren't as important as just being bright, well-informed, and literate.

9.  No current drugs or drinking problems.  (Recovering people were fine, as long as they were really recovering and had been for awhile.)  I preferred someone who didn't smoke, but that wasn't a deal breaker for me.

10.  As much as I could discern, basic sexual compatibility, in the sense that men who claimed to be bi, or who wanted open relationships, who wanted a woman who would get it on with another woman; men who wanted to be tied up and whipped, well, I was just not going to be happy in that kind of situation.

11.  Anyone who was drunk on the first dates, or had several drinks and then drove, was history, as was anyone who seemed argumentative or who appeared to have an out of control temper.  Anyone with a known criminal record (unless it was for something stupid when he was a kid) was going to be gone quickly. 

12.  Guys who talked about going to strip clubs or talked about their relationships with hookers were going to be short-timers as well.

13.  Men who were too pushy, too possessive, who seemed to want to hang onto me were not going to work.

Those were the more superficial things...  Now onto the meat:

1.  Honesty.  (Don't lie, especially right off the bat.)

2.  Consistency.  (Call when you say you will call; be online when you say you will be.  Don't drop out of sight for weeks and then expect me to still be interested.) 

3.  Faithfulness.  (Exclusivity...  Don't have a lot of women that you are dating, yet expect sex early on.) 

4.  A warm, positive attitude towards life, compassionate.

5.  No arrogant narcissistic s.o.b's need apply.    

6.  Responsible... in work, in relationships.

7.  Fairly conservative with money...  Do not live outside of his means or run up credit cards.

8.  Didn't have a negative opinion on marriage, as I actually like being married and wanted to marry again.. some day. 

Now, the big key, of course, is that you have no idea if anyone is going to actually live up to these standards...  Until you've known them for awhile.  People lie or misrepresent themselves all that time.  People's perceptions of who they are may not be in accord with who they actually are, 

So my superficial weeding out (drunks and men who talked about an ex, for instance) was just that ...  superficial.  You simply couldn't tell what the man was going to be like unless you were with him fairly consistently for a while... and, even then, things might change.

[ravenstar]

Good Question

I have to be honest...I don't seem to have done too good in the "picking a man" area

LOL

But I would say honesty is the most important trait to me. And now that I am eeek! 42...there are some basics I know.

A career...anyone at my age who doesn't have a career has issues.

A car...men riding bikes with a case of beer on the handlebars..just wrong.

A home...I have had enough momma's boys, it's ALWAYS a bad thing

Since I have a career I would like someone who did their share of the housework, and childcare...and I mean more than just vacumming once a week.

Sense of humour...essential. I'm a bit kooky and I love really bad horror movies and puns.

Sense of social justice...someone who cares about more than just his little corner of the world.

Confidence

Someone with outside interests...someone who likes to read would be a bonus. I value knowledge and intelligence.

Someone who is empathetic and sensitive to others.

Somone who doesn't need to be babysat. I like my alone time.

Faithful..I've never cheated, and I wouldn't tolerate it in a committed relationship.

Someone who takes care of themselves..fit and reasonably health conscious

non-drinker or drug user (this is a given for me being in recovery myself)

Someone positive..who can be silly and have fun.

Spiritual...but not "religious"

oh..I can't handle televised sports, wrestling, monster trucks or Jerry Springer

Open-minded

dependable

responsible

generous and gracious (manners mean a lot)

I'm picky...and I'd rather be alone than settle again


But I'm not looking...just enjoying my time alone. I've come to a point where I think I've finally given up the fantasy of the whole "soulmate", "knight in shining armour", "love at first sight", "meant for each other" stuff. Maybe I've lost my ability to "fall" in love. I don't think I really believe in those things anymore. What I want now is a really good friend, partner and companion who is also a lover. It's not very romantic..more a comfortable thing. Maybe it's age..maybe it's wisdom..or maybe just cynicism, but that is how I feel now. And I think it's probably more realistic.

I've already decided that even if I meet someone I never want to live with anyone again, much less get married.

Thanks for letting me share

Ravenstar

[Sapphire]

Shoes...lots & lots of shoes. And a walk in closet to put them all in.

You forgot to mention the matching purses that go along w/ all the shoes!

~S~