Were you vulnerable when you met your BP?

[free at last!]

Just wondered how many of you were at a vulnerable time in your lives when you met your BPSO?

I was suffering from panic attacks, which had led to panic disorder when I met mine. There were sometimes weeks at a time when I could barely leave the house, and even when I did, it was an ordeal.

Right in the middle of this, along comes my knight in shining armour. Hmm. (of course, that armour doesn't look so darned shiny these days)

Now that I'm better (four months panic free YAY!), I wondering if I would ever have gotten involved with him if I'd been more emotionally stable when we met. And also if my troubles were like a red rag to a bull for him. I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend who's not damaged in some way.

Weirdly, it was looking at his life that made me face my panic attacks head on - I was determined not to deal with my problems the way he deals with his (ie: not at all)

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

[NewLifeforHGG]

Yes I was in a vulnerable position. I had finished college, gotten very ill and had to move back home.

Living with my NBPD father made me super vulnerable. I was on my way to grad school gathering my strength when he met me.

My T says it was because I was vulnerable but had parts of my life together that he chose me.

I would have never looked twice at him if I had been in a stronger place. Not ever.

[JerryKew]

Yes, I was excessively vulnerable when I met him. I was lost and confused and depressed. He was indeed my knight in shining armour and I literally worshipped him. When he lied to me and said he was a psychoanalyst I was all the more drawn to him - I had found my own stay-at-home shrink! All for "free". What I didn't know back then was that the price for that kind of shrink was a hell of a lot higher than for a regular one. When I finally got around to dealing with a genuine therapist, I realized I'd made a huge mistake and started the uphill battle.

What I also realized somewhere along the way is that he is to this day far sicker than I ever was.

I feel I have come a long way from the lost soul I was. What I'm realizing is that my encounter with exBPDp was meant to happen, and it didn't prevent me from growing into the adult I am today. "But at what cost?" you will ask me. Well, at a fairly high cost, but knowing where I was back then I suppose the price had to be high.

Again, no regrets.

[Breaking Free]

WOW, GREAT TOPIC and is something that I have often wondered about.

There is no doubt that I was vulnerable.

I was seriously dating someone who was unexpectedly killed in an accident. A short time later, Dr. Evil came along to help pick-p the pieces.

He was such a nice guy, so charming (even my parents loved him), and such a gentleman that I was too numb to even realize what was happening. We were friends for a long time before we began dating.

About six months before we were married, I began to see the "signs" of his "issues" but I was too young and naive to realize what was happening. The wedding plans were in full-swing and it was always so easy to "excuse" his bad behavior.

He was so charming that, for a long time, I pushed my gut feelings aside. I also honestly thought that marrying him would "prove" my love and resolve most of these issues (obviously, I was very young, naïve, and vulnerable).

The ODD thing is that approximately 3 years BEFORE meeting Dr. Evil, I dated someone else who had issues with alcohol and yet I was "together" enough to break things off with Troubled Guy #1 (in spite of my younger age) within a few months.

It really makes you wonder, doesn't it?



Breaking Free (From Dr. Evil)

[majorfreddie]

Breaking free I just read you post and the same thing occured to me 21 years ago.   ALthough I have chosen to stay with my wife and work at it I will admit it is tough.  We have had some difficult times.  I am a pastor and licensed counselor and you may or may not have chosen to end your relationshiop but I would encourage you to go back and try again.  I posted in another area earlier and sometimes we are given these people by God to stay with them, give when we cannot give and to love them.   If you ever see any improvements then encourage that and pat them on the back.  They actually need it.  We have all done bad things but nothing that God cannot forgive.  My wife has but I have chosen to work with her and give love and intimacy.  These two are important and to a man it is all he has.  Please vitst Focus on the Family and Healing Marriages.  It has helped even this old pastor.    We sometimes have our own mission field right in our home.    I will be in prayer for all of your situations.

[Archie]

I met me exBPDGF shortly after my wife had left me for, at the time, no reason (although it turned out to be for another guy).  So I too was at a very vulnerable time. Having just left my exBPGF I am vulnerable again.  This time though I'm armed with knowledge !

Archie

[CindyL]

I, too, was vulnerable. My mother was dying of lung cancer. She and I were very close. I was in my late 20s, well established in a career, and my biological clock was ticking like MAD. Here was this man, eleven years older than I, who seemed to have his act together.

He swooped in as my mother went into Hospice care, and made me feel... .special and safe and loved.

I don't regret him, because without him, I would not have my beautiful children... .but I was very vulnerable.

[newbeginnings]

I was very vulnerable too.  I had just gone through a divorce and my BPD swept in as quickly as she could.  My divorce counselor advised me not to enter into a relationship, but I ignored her.  No one can prepare us for this kind of situation.  We're lucky, in a sense, to at least know what  we are dealing with is BPD.

[thomaso61]

Considering I met mine at work but was in a dull ho hum roomate marriage, I'd say I was a bit vulnerable to her advances. I bit hook,line and sinker.

Hindsight tells me I should have left my marriage long ago but stayed for the wrong reasons. Once I left the marriage in favor of the BPD, I should have allowed myself the time to re-adjust to my new life before leaping head first into the BPD relationship. Hey, I believed what she told me and responded accordingly to her words of love and adoration for me. HAH!

[liberateddad]

I was not vulnerable.  I was ready to begin a new relationship and she came along. We had been friends for years. Once we let our guard down and let our attraction take off, that was it.

LD

[elphaba]

I guess I have to include myself here... .vulnerable... .

well after years of abuse and then single parenthood, i had dated a very old friend for a short time and became pregnant with my youngest... .this old friend, who I had known since the age of 12, reacted pretty badly to the pregnacy news and basically stopped speaking to me... .so I had lost another friend and a father for my soon to be child.  DB was one of the best friends I had at the time and he took every advantage of the situation.

Vulnerability... .weakness... .lonliness... .easy target practice for the BPD... .

[crazyhorse]

Add my name to the vulnerable list. I had just moved to a new city where I knew no one. Three months before I moved my fiancée told me she would not be moving with me. I met my now ex-wife via Match.com within two weeks of moving to the new city.  I thought she was too good to be true and it turned out of course that she was.

[Skip]

Mine was a beautiful ray of sunshine in a dark sky... .

         ... .well actually it was lightening.

When I think back, its really all about me.  I was wanting the sunshine so badly, I failed to see it was a storm.

I was vulnerable with the break-up of my marriage.  It took me a long time to see that I owe this failed relationship, in large part, to the fact that I was grasping for solutions to my problem in an unhealthy way.

She just happened to be the first unhealthy solution I found.

Skip

[oceanheart]

Uh, I was vulnerable in a bit of a different (kinda embarrassing way), by being in recovery from BPD myself. How was I vulnerable? For the first time in my adult life I was actually allowing myself to feel instead of cutting or bottling up my feelings or drinking or f---ing or starving myself. So I was an exposed nerve. Feeling depressed about how much of my life had been wasted being BPD. It was near Christmas and I was lonely, and it was the anniversary of a difficult break-up. I was feeling weak and guilty and ashamed of myself. And overwhelmed.

He seemed so strong and together and confident and focused - everything I wanted to be. At first he hid his little-boy insecurity so well, and he made me feel so special. At first... .

[Bailey]

Yes, totally vulnerable... .by email I had told him about my abusive marriage before we were even involved with each other.  He was very attracted to my deep sadness.  I had panic attacks, ptsd, depersonalization -- he actually was very helpful for much of this... .well, until he wasn't.

:'(

marymac

[RTTCB]

Great topic Anna!

You hit the nail on the head so to speak. The number of replies says it all.

In answer to your question, yes I was in a pretty vulnerable state too - had packed up my life and moved to the other side of the globe. I knew people here, but did not have my close friends and family around. My friend was in quite a state by the time I arrived, so in I went boots and all trying to help her.

The trouble was that, of course over time she would start to treat me badly, demanding 110% but giving nothing, push-pull et etc etc.

I had no time to forge any other good bonds, hence other than her I was really pretty much alone. Thankfully I recognised some of what was going on and began to withdraw. Over that time I did start to get other pursuits in my life, and as a result meet new people.

They like to isolate you from others, and also keep you on the back foot so that you are always vulnerable and at their beck and call.

The road out of this dilemma is hard and sometimes painful, but its a journey worth taking.

RTT.

[blondie]

Was I ever vulnerable!

I was fired from my long term job for being off work for over 6 mo during hubby's terminal illness. My husband of 21 yrs had died, 3 wks later I had a major heart attack,  four months later I got custody of 2 grandchildren. Six months before his death I had reconstructive foot surgery, the doctor cut some nerves and my foot was partially paralyzed. Not sure how many life changes I could have added to that.

I was going through the motions but inside felt like a zombie. So much of my identity was dead with hubby... .wife, lover, best friend. Add the loss of my nursing, plus full use of a foot.

About 15 mo. after DH death, in steps BPD, right in as the best thing since sliced bread, and going to rescue me.

Vulnerable? Oh yeah. And the rest is history so many of us share. It took me 5 yrs to get out of it.

Pat

[012098]

Excellent question - I don't think I was vulnerable -

I was at that point in life where the world was my oyster.  I had just graduated my high school and felt on top of my game and was attending the college of my dreams.  I met him at college.  I was a freshman (17 , about to turn 18) and he was an older junior (21 since he had done a PG year at prep school for sports and had a late birthday).  We were both kids.  I was certainly naive.  Never dreamed someone could be like this or treat another as such. . .  But I am trying to figue out whether he was normal when I met him - I had read somewhere that BPD doesn't surface until after the teen years and adolesence. . .so he may have been

Anyway, he was a BMOC.  Captain of the sports teams, well liked, popular, generous, funny, semi-famous family. . .  Seemed like a dream come true.  We dated throughout college and then I went to grad school for 3 years immediately following.  So after he graduated, we had a long distance relationship for 5 years while I finished my schooling.  We then dated for an additional 3 years once living in the same city.    Eight years after meeting, we got married. 

Within 5 years, and begining at the age of 28 for him, my husband's father, mother and son (our son together) all died.  Perhaps these events really set off the abandonment feeling? 

[Beachman325]

I was very vulnerable.  I did not listen to my T either.  She was there, came in and took over me with all the wonderful right words, actions, and touch that had been missing for 23 years previously.  Thankfully, I have learned from this.  I have had a couple of situation lately with a friend of mine who is in a bad marriage.  Instead of rescuing or helping her immediately as I have done, I offer and wait to see if she needs something.  She is getting some help in counseling and is also I think changing her responses to her own relationship issues.  It was good today to be aware of her family emergency, but not go and help her unless she asks for something.  It feels good to see progress as I reflect this morning.  Some of the previous chaos feelings of trying to help and be there are really getting less.  Good post and good reminder as to how I got where I was with the exbdgf, but also in 8 months NC, how far I have come.

[PrayerHelps]

My daughter was vulnerable.  She and her previous boyfriend had just broken up and he swooped in and said and did all the right things.   I was more than impressed with him.  They have been broken up for 4 months now and my daughter is only 19, so I'm thankful she didn't get married and she has plenty of time to heal and regroup.  I have been doing so much research on this topic so that I and my daughter and my other daughters (who are still too young to date) can be aware of "red flags."  The only good that I can see that came out of this relationship, is that it made us fully aware of what to look for as it seems to be that this BPD is becoming an epidemic. 

The other day while my daughter was a work a guy came in and started talking to her.  Later he came back and gave her his phone number and told her how he was new in town and how he would like it if she could show him around.  She said she let him talk some more and he told her how he was an actor/model and was now working construction and some other inconsistent stuff.  After he left, she threw his number out.  I'm glad she is getting her "game" back. 

[Clouded North]

I was only 3 1/2 months out of a 2.5 year relationship with my ex and was devastated... .definitely was looking for love in ALL the wrong places!

[ian]

I was. Even though I was feeling *relatively* good about my life at the time I was pretty depressed and had some real self-esteem issues. I really wanted someone to be close with, like a companion.

[schnitzel]

I was very vulnerable- I was unhappy with my life and I thought "Here comes my hero" to save me. Little did I know that he thought the same, deep inside!  :

He wasnt my savior- I ended up being his and paying all the bills!

[turtle]

yea if i could go back in time... .some one asked about regrets... .yes it was my poor judgement... .

well live and learn... .

I've got those same kinds of regrets, Tony.  It's not pleasant, but it is what it is -- as you say, we just have to live and learn and move on, vowing to do better for ourselves in the future.

Turtle

[free2br]

i too had moved from LA to NYC and been there 2 wks.

was working and putting myself through school.

father had a major heart problem.

had recently broken up with a normal bf

so i guess i was vulnerable.

when i met him, i wanted to fix him up with a friend, didn't think of him for me.

when we started dating, it certainly seemed as if he wanted to usurp my life and keep me from meeting anyone else in the city.

[back2reality]

When I first read this question my initial response was no.  But in retrospect, yes I guess I was vulnerable.  I had just reached a point of content in my life.  I finally felt that I reached a milestone and was completely over my exfiancee.  I had been single for about 3 years and for the last year I really focused on myself.  I was all about me, I rarely dated.  I decided I was ready to be in a relationship.  I was ready and wanted a bf if I happen to meet one that I liked.  I had my fun, I'd been single for 3 years.  I met him at a very high point in my life.  I had just gotten back from a trip visiting relatives in another country that I hadn't seen for 20 years... .basically my mom's entire family.  I was still on cloud 9 from my trip... .it was such a wonderful experience.  That's when I met my bf... .it felt like the timing was perfect.  At the time, he was the first "nice guy"   I had met in a while.  Off to Oz I went.

[Milie]

I really was. I was in a relationship with a manipulator. He was putting me down all the time, telling me all day long I wouldn't be able to acheive anything in life, that I was stupid, and good at nothing. He was putting me away from my friends, put me in a depression that made me put on so much weight as well.

And he was there, so caring, so gentle and listening to my ranting. I fell in love with him. But now I wonder if I did fall in love with him for the good reasons. At the time, he was the complete opposite of what I was experiencing. And the feeling of being the attention of someone was just perfect.

He is the one who made me realize I needed to go away from the boogeyman. That I needed to get my life the way I liked it.

And today I'm living the same pattern again. He has not been manipulative until he dumped me. Saying terrible things to me.

I am now shtscared that he might contact me again. I'm building myself again, and it is hard and takes some time. i'm just really scared that he might come back and destroy all of this.

All what he has been doing since he left me was the kind of "Flee and I'll chase you, Chase me and I'll flee" thing.

What is making it even harder is the fact that I love him. Kind of moment where my brain tells me "Nuh uuuuuh, don't go" and my heart is saying "He needs your help to get there, you can show him the path but not walk it with him, but at least you can show".

I have to remain NC, but I am now worried. He hasn't given any sign of life in over a week. I mean by this that he didn't talk to any of my friends to get me to talk to him by saying lies, or to put nasty comments on MSN.

This is how bad it is now. I know I can't get the happiness I'm looking for with him. But at the same time I don't want to be with anyone else. : ?

[Milie]

Until a couple of months back, he would have been the ideal mate. Until he dumped me I never figured out any of this. i don't know if it was because I was being naive, or too much in love, or simply because he hid it so well the whole time.

I am very vulnerable at the moment cause of all these nasty things he said. I just feel like betrayed. He is so two faced and I never saw it.

Now I am at a moment of my life or this relationship where I have no idea of what I want except that I want to be happy, and really convinced that unless he gets Pro Help, he will remain like this all his life long. And I don't want to be a part of this.

It can go ok for a year or even less, and then he'll do it all over again. I don't want to get hurt again, cause I kicked myself in the bum to get back up to the surface twice already. I feel ashamed cause I let it happen twice to me. I am so much stronger than all this. And I know it.

I am starting a therapy as well. Cause I don't want this to happen to me ever again. I am a good person and deserve so much better.

But I also know that he will come back, that he will either hurt me even more or lie to me to get me into something with him again. I just need the strength to say no. And I know that'll come soon.

By the way, what does NPD stand for? I is French and tend to miss on a few things sometimes 

[Cyndi]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

There is a great site for this recommended by one of the posters here, I forgot who.

To my horror, when I went there, I discovered my worm fit the sadistic narcissist personality.

truly a hopeless case.  There is no cure, no chance of ever recovering, getting better in any way.

Hope most of the people here never have to deal with people like this in their lives.  I don't care what anyone says, these people are a complete waste of space.  All they want to do is hurt people, that is what makes them happy.

[Nomanzland]

My hand is up too... vulnerable. Abusive 12 yr old marriage with three kids. At first he was everything the roach (#1) was not and I was walking on air. Then came the eggshells. What makes us choose people who are not good for us?