Exiting a BPD relationship

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Can I just say that this is an excellent workshop full of useful information.

My specific problem is that I have young children. LC is the best that I can hope for. No agreed parenting schedule so plenty of oportunity for manipularion, control and conflict.

Parental assessor appointment booked.

Divorce proceedings going ahead but slowly.

If I had the choice and no children I would be NC with my uBPDw.

Does anyone have practical tips for this awkward transition period.

I am just documenting patterns and staying calm.

[nonhere]

This is a truly excellent workshop!

I can't add anything to it right now, I'm still taking in all the great info posted, especially by OzToAZ - so much detail!

I think OzToAz's point about her own addiction to drama is amazing, it reveals a lot about what's happened to me. I've gone NC with my ex - but the drama stayed in my life, because I was addicted to (or used to?) it being there.  So I'd make drama about my ex, without her actually being in my life, or only minimally!

[tcevans78]

The key elements of "No Contact" are

~   to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~   to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~   to take them out of your vision of the future,

~   to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~   to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

**Sigh**  I can't believe this put everything I'm feeling into words so well.  Things that I feel so strongly - but didn't even realize I feel!  Especially the last two. 

[whatisthetruth]

thank you

thank you

thank you

[Kettlepot]

Very useful information. Thank you

[AimingforMastery]

Yes, very helpful - thank you

[talithacumi]

AimingforMastery - thanks for bumping this thread up! EXACTLY what I needed re-read today!

[AimingforMastery]

You are welcome, it's very good isn't it... .

[Split black]

Me too... . I read the whole thread. Ive failed miserably at NC. This is good intel. Need read it over and over and over.

[AimingforMastery]

Me too... . I read the whole thread. Ive failed miserably at NC. This is good intel. Need read it over and over and over.

I don't think failing at NC is too bad, if and only *IF* they get better, get well and love   you properly.

BIG If, I know... .

[Split black]

Me too... . I read the whole thread. Ive failed miserably at NC. This is good intel. Need read it over and over and over.

I don't think failing at NC is too bad, if and only *IF* they get better, get well and love   you properly.

BIG If, I know... .

There is no way my ex will do that... . shes a master manipulator, cheater, liar extraordinaire who goes thru men like a lawn mower cuts grass. I spent a year being seduced, and then reject, seduced and then rejected... . used for money, and her addictions. When she was sweet and loving and sex bombing me it was bliss... . but it was mostly misery... . and I fight urges to contact every day. She even tried ruining my career with a smear campaign... . only to text and wonder if I was ok. Then kept texting various hurtful things... . mixed in with old and sad I look now ( I have no idea when or how she would have seen me) Of course it wasn't true... but just words to hurt.  My goal is to totally stop responding and engaging. I dont contact her. Makes me almost want to call her ex bf who she went back to for the 25th time in 4 years. She recycled me 4 times in one year. Thats enough.

[AimingforMastery]

Sorry to hear that. So silly question, but she never did therapy then or admitted she had mental problems? 

[Split black]

Sorry to hear that. So silly question, but she never did therapy then or admitted she had mental problems?  

She was forced to take therapy, some years ago when she was living with her adopted parents, and then an ex bf forced her, said he would leave, so she goes now and then still ... . manipulated the therapist... . she joked about it. She knows in her lucid moments that she cant feel love or trust and has no empathy. She admitted a lot... . and then denied it just as much when she used me as the projection target for her self loathing. She also claims to have attempted suicide and was admitted to the psych ward more then once... . at least thats what she says. Every word is suspect. Every story.

[Eye438]

The information here is really giving me strength to carry on and fully detach from a 5 year with my toxic BPD partner who is also bipolar 1. Needless to say I am drained completely out and have begun the no contact phase blocking her on my phone at this point any contact for me would mean getting sucked into the dance which I can no longer do. Her things are still in my house and I don't want to be there when she is ready to move out. I had to bring her to a homeless shelter unfortunately but I am in self rescue mode. How do I go about having no contact when all of her belongings are still in my home? Help! ❤️

[Cane787]

I am in this position now. After 25 years with an abusive high functioning borderline / narcissist I had 4 years no contact and ignored charms. We recently reunited and the above statement is very true. She is working hard to idealize me, and even though she admits she has this disorder she made it clear she won't be doing anything about it. Along with some covert abuse I noticed that she didn't realize I noticed. So I recently wrote a lengthy letter pointing out the fact that I would not be in her life if these old tactics are coming back to stay as it did in our past. She hasn't received the letter yet but she reached out to me today. I ignored it because my strong intuition tells me this will never end until it kills me. I will never forgive her for far too many cruel actions. Such as not coming to my mothers funeral, not being there for me at all, then MAKING SURE she let me know she will noway miss any funeral now. (This is supposed to make me feel better to her disordered mind... ) The funeral example is a very small one compared to what I have been through with her. Those four years of NC were very healing for me. I am ready to save myself, better myself and get back to it. Do I have to notify her? Say anything? Give any warning? I technically gave her more than I ever received since I wrote a letter and my past consists of hundreds of silent treatments and punishment from her. I certainly don't fear any confrontation or words, but does she really deserve any words at all?

[lingering]

This is so helpful.  I ended my relationship with my uBPD husband on 2/26/16.  We are divorced.  I have a new home.  I am surprised at the feelings that just slam me.  I am doing ok and then have a panic attack at work - like I think I am having a heart attack!  I wake up in the middle of the night - alarmed.  He calls, I let it go to voicemail.  He is crying, then he is telling me my meds are ready to pick up, then saying "let me help you sweetheart".  I wish I could fast forward through this.  There are three things at his place that I really need:  1) a piano, 2) an antique picture that is very valuable to me and 3) a cord to an exercise machine.  I don't want to go over until I can get all three at once... .waiting for a piano dolly to be returned to the rental store in the small town.  Gah.  I just dread the drama.  Can't wait to go NC. 

[lingering]

It's difficult to realize that we can still be IN contact without ever communicating with our BPD. 

Turtle

Right?  I think my whole relationship with my pwBPD exh was like that.  He didn't know me at all, I said things, he replied irrelevantly.  God, that stuff HURTS!