BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[BPDFamily.com]

Splitting

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

Some degree of splitting is an expectable part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?"  We hear their frustration when we answer, "Situations are more complicated" "Yes, I know all that," they say, "now tell me, is it good or is it bad?"

Normally, mental maturing advances the ego's ability to accept paradoxical affects, and to synthesize and balance complex situations.


How do you deal with Splitting?

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces a sense of psychological safety, in fact it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), splitting borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor. Borderlines require someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties.

On the surface, meeting these needs might not seem insurmountable.

We all enjoy being admired and respected and are tempted to believe in this veneration.

At the same time, the cry of a screaming child touches the heart of a feeling person, and hatred directed with fierce intensity sears the soul of the most hardy. But the intensity of emotional reactions that surface in dealing with a pwBPD whose primary mechanism of defense is splitting can be surprising, frightening, damaging.  Since we cannot escape the impulse to recoil or be overly protective, how do we try to cope?  

Often we cope by pushing our own feelings, and our self esteem aside and immerse ourselves in the world of the borderline and become defined by it.

---------------

This workshop is to examine different types of splitting to understand the nature and degree of this behaviour.  

The workshop is also to explore ways to better cope with an individual that relies on splitting as a defense mechanism in various scenarios such as romantic relationships, child / parent  relationships, co-parenting relationships, and legal and legal conflict relationships.

I thank the senior members for participating in this workshop.

Skippy

[Skip]

Splitting

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

Some degree of splitting is an expectable part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?"  We hear their frustration when we answer, "Situations are more complicated" "Yes, I know all that," they say, "now tell me, is it good or is it bad?"

Normally, mental maturing advances the ego's ability to accept paradoxical affects, and to synthesize and balance complex situations.


How do you deal with Splitting?

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces a sense of psychological safety, in fact it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), splitting borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor. Borderlines require someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties.

On the surface, meeting these needs might not seem insurmountable.

We all enjoy being admired and respected and are tempted to believe in this veneration.

At the same time, the cry of a screaming child touches the heart of a feeling person, and hatred directed with fierce intensity sears the soul of the most hardy. But the intensity of emotional reactions that surface in dealing with a pwBPD whose primary mechanism of defense is splitting can be surprising, frightening, damaging.  Since we cannot escape the impulse to recoil or be overly protective, how do we try to cope?  

Often we cope by pushing our own feelings, and our self esteem aside and immerse ourselves in the world of the borderline and become defined by it.

---------------

This workshop is to examine different types of splitting to understand the nature and degree of this behaviour.  

The workshop is also to explore ways to better cope with an individual that relies on splitting as a defense mechanism in various scenarios such as romantic relationships, child / parent  relationships, co-parenting relationships, and legal and legal conflict relationships.

I thank the senior members for participating in this workshop.

Skippy

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question. Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board. You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

[sakudaira]

So with splitting, to put it in a nutshell - you're either good or bad.

But can this be dependent on other people's status?

For example, I've noticed that when I'm good, my BPD person's other closest friend is bad (she only has two friends, essentially - him and I). And when he's good, I'm bad. We can never both be good, or bad. One is always fulfilling the good role, and the other, the bad role.

Thoughts?

[JoannaK]

Sakudaira, this often happens with somebody with BPD.  Children of BPD moms mention this phenomena often:  One child is "good" (the white child), one is "bad" (the black child).  Sometimes the good/bad roles switch, but sometimes someone is good or bad all through their relationship with the BPD.   

Not all with BPD split in this way, but it is very typical. 

Sometimes a BPD spouse will split a child "good" and the other parent "bad". 

[LavaMeetsSea]

As a kid, one child was always evil, and another was always exemplary.  In very extreme circumstances, all of us were evil or all of us were admirable, but that was only when we were being foiled off some other audience who would be the exact opposite of whatever we were.  If you were really lucky you weren't worth attention at all, and you'd be ignored but not distorted.  Otherwise, it was like being cast as the villain or savior in a really bad soap opera, without knowing any of your lines.  The BPD does their own dubbing anyway.

[still]

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-splitting-countertransference

I believe this is the source article credited to Kraft Goin in the Workshop introductory post, correct?

This is the full quote from the article (emphasis added):

What Do These Patients Need?

Splitting patients need a psychiatrist who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor. These patients need someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties.

The article was published in 1998 in Psychiatric Times, a professional journal for  clinicians.  I hope you will excuse my interruption here, but I feel the description of what borderlines need in the Workshop introduction gives the impression that the behavioral responses described above are needed by borderlines from their significant others, rather than from their professional caretakers. This is very wrong.  I feel the omission of the clinical nature of the article might lead to inappropriate interpretations of Kraft Goin's writing here.  

All of the literature I have read, including Stop Walking on Eggshells, as I recall, cautions strongly against assuming the therapist role in a relationship with a borderline - even if you are a therapist.  I wouldn't want your bpdfamily.com members to make a wrong turn that could cost them dearly in emotional wear and tear because of this misunderstanding.

Thank you in advance for permitting my input here.

[Skip]

Thanks for providing a link to the article and your thoughts.  

You raise a good question - Should behavioral response tools only be used by licensed therapists in the course of a therapy session?

My understanding is that there is a strong encouragement coming from the medical community that the behavioral response tools not be just the province of the therapy session.  One of the key objectives of the NEA-BPD Family Connections Program is to teach family members these behavioral responses for use the home.  This is also the basis idea behind SET and PUVAS, which are fundamental behavioral response tools outlined in Stop Walking on Eggshells and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".

For me, the most important aspect of dealing with splitting is "understanding".  I know I got caught on this one - I had no understanding about what she was doing when she was splitting so I assumed all the wrong things... .mostly that she was confused, or she didn't hear me, or that she was overwhelmed, or her mother was pushing her, or... .All things I tried to help her deal with.  All wasted and frustrating efforts for both of us.  

I'd never experienced "black and white" thinking before... .so I tumbled down into the black hole of BPD relationship confusion... .blaming myself, feeling bad, grinding my self esteem, etc.

Once you know what "Splitting" is - you can try to deal with it constructively - and most importantly, not be consumed by it personally.

Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California) uses the words "constant, continuing".  John Gunderson MD (Harvard), in the NEABPD handout (pdf download) uses the words "consistent, calm"... ."maintain family routines as much as possible."  They encourage you to understand "Affect Dyscontrol - that a person with BPD has feelings that dramatically fluctuate in the course of each day."

Goin uses the word "empathetic" as does Jerold Kreisman, MD in his communication tool SET (support, empathy, truth),  in I Hate You, Don't Leave Me in 1991 (link).  

E= Empathy. Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."  It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK.

Dr. Goin also uses the words "boundaries".  Dr Gunderson talks about setting limits by stating the limits of your tolerance. Let your expectations be known in clear, simple language. Everyone needs to know what is expected of them. Too often, people assume that the members of their family should know their expectations automatically. It is often useful to give up such assumptions with a BP individual.

Of all the BP behaviors with a high functioning borderline, splitting is one of the toughest to understand, and the most damaging.

Skippy

[AJMahari]

Borderlines who do not choose to get into therapy and stick with it and make a serious commitment to it will inevitably continue to revert to the primal defense mechanism of splitting each and every time they are stressed and/or triggered.

Borderlines, in the active throes of BPD, are not often conscious of just what it is they do to others when they split them.

Borderline splitting is at the heart of "get-away-closer" and "I-hate-you-don't-leave-me" polarized all-or-nothing relating. It is not an over-statement to say that unless and until a person with BPD deals with this polarization and need to protect what is essentially a combination of the lack of self and the false self

he or she is not capable of healthy adult relating in any consistent way.

It is the very reality of this unhealthy, incongruent, and inconsistent self-defeating borderline polarized style of relating that forms the foundation for everything that is toxic and punishing in the way that nons end up being treated by the borderline in their lives.

This defense originates directly from the original core wound of abandonment as I explain in my ebook, The Legacy of Abandonment in BPD. When the borderline is stressed, regressed, and/or triggered by attempts to relate as an adult or attempts to remain close or attempts to tolerane the moving in and out between intimacy/closeness and distance he or she will then be re-experiencing his or her past in the non borderline here and now. That's why so much of what the borderline does is for the non borderline so situationally-inappropriate, age-inappropriate and seems to come at you from left field in a way that you can't really make sense of. It doesn't make sense in the here and now, that's why.

Borderlines in this dissociative re-play of their unresolved abandonment trauma treat you as if you are the person with whom they experienced the abandonment, the trauma, the ruptured relationship, failed bonding or attachment with that lead to their original loss of self.

This means that for the non borderline relating to a regressed borderline in the here and now, you don't even really exist. You are but a mere extension of the borderline's toxic fusion with someone from wherein there was a very painful and real rupture of attachment. This rupture of attachment is played out with you, the non borderline, in the here and now, over and over and it form the "all-bad" of half of the split.

When the borderline isn't stressed or has just played out the all-bad cycle and so for a time is relieved of stress and somewhat calmer (no matter how brief that time may be) he or she then flips back to the feelings associated with the person with whom they experienced the abandonment trauma, the person that they needed and looked up to as a young child. So, you then become the person they need, cling to, want, can't get enough of and the person who is fabulous just as suddenly as you were and will again be the exact opposite.

This is something I know like I do because i lived it. I had BPD and I recovered. It is important, I believe for non borderlines who, luckily, don't have my experience (or the experience of the borderline in your life) of feeling and living this - it is very painful - to realize that you will never make sense out of splitting. It doesn't make rational or logical healthy sense. It makes sense only in its toxic dysfuntional protection of the borderline from his or her original core wound of abandonment trauma.

Non borderlines need to detach from this borderline cycle. It isn't easy. It is often what ends relationships. Whether you detach from the chaos and drama of it or not please know that trying to hang in there to rescue the borderline in your life can't and won't work. I know this because, when I was borderline, no one, absolutely no one could rescue me. People tried and they were punished for their efforts way back when, sadly I have to admit. I also know this because long after I recovered from BPD, I ended up in a relationship with a borderline-narcissist who I, of course, tried to rescue. The futility was in some ways even more painful than what it was like for me when I had BPD.

In my opinion, nons need to hold borderlines responsible for their behaviour, even when the borderline may well not "get it". What nons will benefit most from doing is refusing to allow the borderline to treat them abusively as the pendulum of their "borderline reality" swings back and forth from one side of the split to the other. Sometimes, the "all-good" side of the split can be as abusive, by the way, as the "all-bad" rage etc is. It is often on the "all-good" side of borderline spitting that you will experience the covert manipulation of the borderline's learned helplessness and neediness. You can be their hero don't you know if you are just there to do and do for them. Then in that process of doing for them because you are everything to them in the "all-good" split inevitably something will stress or trigger the borderline back to the "all-bad" split often with lightening speed - and around and around it goes.

By the way, what usually triggers the "all-bad" split from the stance of the "all-good" split often is the very thing that you as a non borderline long so much for with this borderline in your life - closeness or intimacy. Sadly, the second it is achieved (after all you go through to get back there) the borderline cannot tolerate it and the cycle of splitting begins all over again.

I see evidenced in the continuous cycle of the borderline maladaptive defense mechanism of splitting, the utter no-win futility and toxic nature of the "borderline relational style" which as its roots such terror and trauma that it can't help but perpetuate from the borderline abuse - namely punishing vindictiveness.

[Turil]

The thing that I've found to help alleviate splitting is finding the truth in whatever the person is saying.  Clearly the reality of things is hovering somewhere in between nothingness and totality.  So at least some of what the person is saying must be at least partially true!  When I can find that bit of truth and confirm it for the person, they feel validated and loved, and are able to come down from the fight-or-flight state of mind that leads to the primitive emotional reactions that BPD sufferers are known for.  It really does work wonders!

Peace, Love, and Bicycles,

Turil

[Turil]

It occurs to me that it might be helpful to have some examples of what I mean by finding something truthful in a black-vs.-white statement... .

Black-vs.-White: "It's hopeless!"

Me: "It certainly does seem like it will be very difficult." 

Me: (waits patiently for a response and avoids the dreaded "but... ." statement which will screw up the whole thing :-)

Black-vs.-White: "It's too difficult.  I don't think I can do it anymore."

Me: "It may indeed turn out to be too difficult for you.  I'm sure you've been trying very hard to make it work."

Black-vs.-White: "Yeah."

(calm silence)

This leaves both of us at a healthier, less explosive stage of the conversation, and the silence at the end allows my parter some time to calm down and think a bit more productively about the situation.  When the conversation starts up again, and as long as I can continue to find the bit of truth in my partner's statements, we are likely to get to a good point and make some progress in seeing the world in a more full spectrum way, or at least in a black-AND-white way!

Here's another example:

Black-vs.-White: "You're crazy!  You need therapy!"

Me: "I do definitely have some issues that I would like to work on."

Black-vs.-White: "Yeah!  You've got to get some help."

Me: ":)o you think that therapy will really be able to help me?"

Black-vs.-White: "Probably not.  It's probably hopeless."

(calm silence, and then start the aforementioned "It's hopeless." dialog up!)

Each time I agree with my partner while including terms like "some" or "maybe" it gives them a more realistic, less absolute, frame to work with.  And it helps them feel less insane, which is a good thing!

It's not easy to do this, especially when we are so used to fighting and black-vs.white thinking in the mainstream media, in schools, and in our own homes.  But it can be learned, and it's well worth it, in my experience!  I still fall into the fighting type of conversation a lot, but I also can manage to pull off this more effective "finding the bit of truth" technique enough of the time to help make things better for my partner.

Peace, Love, and Bicycles,

Turil

[Butterflygirl]

Splitting is not just about good and bad. That is only one kind of splitting. For me it is getting trapped into one mindset and not being able to see any other. You can only see your point of view. You can only feel one emotion. If you are afraid you are a slave to that emotion and cannot imagine that there is an alternative emotion. Same for anger and depression. If you are right that is all you can see. You cannot see the world that others live in, only your own. It goes on and on. You not only compartmentalize yourself, you are trapped there until the spell in broken. Then you wonder what you were thinking or how you could have been feeling such powerful feelings and being so unable to see anything else at any given time. When I split I am on a mission. I cannot shake the place I am in. It is horrible. I hate splitting. I wish they had a pill for it. I am recovery for this and I am at a place where sometimes my therapist can break the spell by telling me I am splitting. But others who don't understand it don't know what to do with me.

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi Butterflygirl,

Your description goes farther than you might think.  To me it shows me how I split (& I think I am relatively healthy & not a PD).  Remember, these behaviors are what we are all capable of, to some extent, particularly under stress.

I have suffered from depression on & off much of my adult life & that has been exacerbated by my long marriage to (at the least) a very controlling man.  In the worst moments, days of depression, I know my thoughts are disordered & even in the midst of the worst I am careful not to allow myself to believe the worst of my thoughts.  It is best to shut it all out, by sleeping (or even drinking, though I will pay) until another day.  It never lasts more than a day or two, & is probably related to female hormones (timing bears this out).

Understanding my own flaws & abilities to be in such a negative place helps me to empathise, & understand a person who may be less able to regulate the same, or even a different type of disordered thinking.

Thank BG for bringing us all a step closer together.

SP

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question. Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board. You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

[bibo]

A.J. -- thank you for explaining that *both* sides of the split are not real. that's what I have sensed as a child- even when I was all-good, it felt wrong.

so it's not splitting between "here and now" &  "evil past", but rather between "good past" & "evil past". meaning of course that there is no real connection to the here and now.

It makes sense to think that this splitting happens when a child tries to protect itself from the overwhelming craziness of a loved parent who is also abusive. this is to complex to understand. it would be for anyone, but it certainly is for a child.

again, the BP is acting out destructive behaviour to protect itself from the effects of the very same destructive behaviour.

I assume the splitting is also a form dissociation? when the good parent is present, memory of the bad parent needs to be suppressed, because it is too painful, and vice versa.

[Deborah A. Galaska]

One concept that I have found helpful in dealing with splitting is the concept of dialectics. At times we want to urge the person with borderline personality disorder (or anyone with dichotomous thinking patterns) to move toward grey, rather than being stuck on black or white. There is another option - which is to accept both black and white.

To illustrate, there are times that I both want to be with my family and I want to be away from them. I go to a training weekend away from them that I am looking forward to with extreme anticipation - I cannot wait to go. I am also looking forward to a break from the cleaning, sibling rivalry, whining, demands, etc of my family, and having someone else take care of me for a weekend without any demands on me. At the same time that I am incredibly happy to be away from them, I miss them. How can that be? They are opposites. Yet I feel both. I don't have to find a middle ground of feeling nothing - it is ok to feel both and to accept myself feeling both.

Part of the struggle with splitting is believing I cannot feel both - I cannot be angry with you and love you - I must either love you or hate you. I cannot love you and hate you simultaneously, therefore I must flip between states. And if you are angry with me, I fear you must hate me, because I cannot believe that you can both love me and be angry with me. If you are angry with me, you will abandon me, and for a person with BPD, abandonment is the abyss.

Debye

[JoannaK]

Here are a few quotes about splitting:

www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html

Kernberg believes that borderlines are distinguished from neurotics by the presence of "primitive defenses." Chief among these is splitting, in which a person or thing is seen as all good or all bad. Note that something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.

https://bpdresourcecenter.org/what_glossary.htm

Splitting: A mental mechanism in which the self or others are reviewed as all good or all bad, with failure to integrate the positive and negative qualities of self and others into cohesive images. Often the person alternately idealizes and devalues the same person. From a psychoanalytic point of view, splitting is fundamental to borderline personality disorder, and underlies the dramatic shifts in the person's experience of self and others and their difficulty in finding a stable adaptation to life.

Splitting is the alternating of idolizing someone (or something) followed by a period of detesting and villainizing the same thing.  Splitting should be differentiated from manipulation.  Some may act as though they really love someone (again) just to get benefits... those people may be more aspd than BPD... .Or they may have split the other so completely that they feel completely justified in manipulating and conning the particular person.

[an0ught]

I know that pwBPD do a lot of black and white thinking. My question is, why? Does it satisfy some need or relieve some anxiety, or otherwise serve a functional purpose for the pwBPD?

When it comes to action B&W thinking is related to them falling back to instinctive behavior during dysregulation. Fight or flight - so it does serve a functional purpose - problem is we are not faced with tigers every day.

When it comes to sensing it is also related to their high sensitivity.

So on the perceiving and on the acting side they are on the more extreme side. Depending on the individual one, the other or both play a major role.

[MaybeSo]

We all engaged in a lot of black and white thinking... .as small children.

There are developmental stages people normally go through, and over time,  the brain moves into more and more complex functioning as we grow from child to adult.

It is at one developmental stage to have black/white type thinking.  A young child, whose mother w/holds ... .perhaps doesn't come with the bottle right away... .is experienced by the child as ALL BAD while that is going on.  A child will tell a parent that they hate them and throw a tantrum over not getting their way... .an hour later they will be cuddled on the couch with the same parent, the tantrum is all done now, but during the tantrum, that child was really feeling rage and hate and frustration and pain... .but  it's not remembered or held onto... .bliss, rage, black, white, all or nothing, good bad.  It can be very black/white, love you, hate you... with small children.

In normal development, we move into more and more complex brain activity... .it is actually quite an achievement for a human being to hold two opposing concepts in their head at the same time, that something can be both... .a mixture of good and bad, a little black and a little white... .that is actually an advanced brain function.  Not everyone does that easily.  Under stress, even those who have that ability normally... .can regress to more primitive forms of thinking... .becasue if you are in an emergency, it's not helpful to ruminate, rather your body wants to assess and react faster in case you are in danger.

Not EVERYONE always goes through normal developmental steps, there can be variation in a popluation... .DBT is a lot about learning about the dialectic... .that a thing can be good and bad... .both.  If I am dyslexic... .I may always struggle to read... .until I am taught special skills that makes reading more accessable to how my brain works. This can be true for many people in many different areas... .pwBPD do seem to struggle with this black/white processing ... .but a more integrated thinking can be learned with special focus and skills training.  Also if you are emtionally arroused an upset a alot... .you are scared and alarmed a lot... .it would be safe to say that it would also be harder to integrate more advanced concepts because your body/mind thinks it's in danger and wants to quickly make asessments for safety sake, so black and white thinking is just faster and safer... .no one has access to  their higher brain functioning when they are in fight/flight. That's why taking time outs are so important.

[ludsgirl1]

Okay so am I right to say then the 'being ignored completely' by my BPD spouse is a form of splitting?

Yes I have read the majority of the comments.

[Skip]

Okay so am I right to say then the 'being ignored completely' by my BPD spouse is a form of splitting?

Yes I have read the majority of the comments.

In psychology, what motivates the action tells us more than the action itself.  Ignoring you could be splitting, it could be manipulations, it could distancing for protection... .

Have you been open to listen?  Really listen.  If he really knows/understands, he will probably tell you.

[ludsgirl1]

Id certainly be lying if I said im 'always' the listener. But I do know what some of his personal triggers are. #1 not enough attention = I dont love him  and when I say attention I mean, I only exist in his world.

So if im not readily available at his every whim I end up being cast aside until I make enough effort that he deams exceptable to be worthy of his time. Until that time I am his enemy.

On one hand me knowing his triggers is an advantage, but on the other hand we are learning that my personal time ie knitting doesnt mean I dont love him.

Stricky :/

[ludsgirl1]

In psychology, what motivates the action tells us more than the action itself.  Ignoring you could be splitting, it could be manipulations, it could distancing for protection... .

And in addition the motivation, learned behavior would fall under that category would you not agree?

[veronica lodge]

I've only now realised what goes on in my husband's family with his BPD mother.  When we are good, my husband's brothers are bad and all she does when we are around her is backstab them and their partners.  We now realise that when she is with us and is not backstabbing the others to us that we are the ones that she is actually backstabbing to the others and that we are the bad ones.  It used to drive me crazy but now that I know what she has I can move on from it.  For 20 years she made us feel guilty for no reason and we could not work out what was going on because one day we were the best and then the next day she was totally ignoring us and we couldn't work out why.  It was totally crazy making stuff.  Thanks to sites like this I have grown really strong and am now challenging her silent treatment but not contacting her and letting her go.  I presume it is driving her nuts but I want her to realise that I have stepped away from her madness and that I will not particpate in her illness any longer.

[catdv]

Can someone please explain what "splitting" is?  I have not been able to find sufficient information here that explains it for me.  Thank you!

[Turkish]

Hi catdv, have you seen this thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0;all

[catdv]

Very helpful and tremendously insightful information!

I have not posted since my introduction to this amazing resource. Perhaps just becoming part of a community where others shared their experiences was enough.  I did the same thing when I lost my beautiful daughter in 1997. After struggling with overwhelming grief for 2 1/2 year I went to a Compassionate Friends support group meeting.  Just being around others who has suffered the same loss, I left that night with a very heavy burden lifted from me. One meeting was all it took.

I have struggled plenty with the break up with my BPD partner, but joining this group was me turning the corner.  Through the insightful posts of others I traced my belief of "not being enough back to my childhood and my relationship with my parents. That helped change my perspective.  It has taken time but I realize that what I clung to were the positive memories of being with my ex, but looking at the big picture, those memories were few.  Now when I catch myself doing that, i shift my thinking to what is reality based - the ugliness of who he could be, how cruel and hurtful he could be and the many, many incidents of bad, really messed up behavior on his part.  i have blocked every form of communication he can attempt, and short of him stalking me (which is not his style), I am free.  It is the best feeling in the world and I want to thank each and every member who has posted and has contributed to my recovery.

[VitaminC]

Thank you for this information and these insights.
 
I have some questions:
 
In thinking about my own relationship (now ended) with a man who has all the characteristics of a high functioning pwBPD and my narcissistic characteristics, I think now that I was a huge trigger for him and he for me. Realising that I was contributing in an unhealthy way to the dynamic kept me in the relationship for almost a year after I decided I really must end it (because I blamed myself, because I wanted to try a more mature and healthy and emotionally honest approach), and 4 months of that year were after I found out about a cheating episode. Very very painful.
 
Very early in the relationship, I was aware of shifts from attentive and adoring to seemingly barely recongnising my existence. I myself swung between thinking there was something unhealthy about it to deciding I was acting like a princess and just wanted all the admiration and attention. Of course, the reality is both and somewhere between those two.
 
I reacted in typical narcissist fashion; withdrawing, removing myself physically and emotionally from the relationship. Naturally, this triggered huge fears in my pwBPD. The attraction between us was very strong, on several levels, and we kept ending up back together, somehow forgetting or just putting aside any insights we might have reached individually or together. 
 
I see now that both of us had unhealthy defensive mechanisms and that, despite my better awareness of all this, I did react in ways that were impossible for BPD to fathom. Eventually we ended up in a situation with me feeling a lack of connection, a lack of being acknowledged as a separate human at all, and trying to explain this with specific examples in ever crazier and more circular conversations. The exact experience that many members on this board describe and have lived. Towards the end I became calm and patient, about a year or more too late, and he defensive, accusing, projecting, very very angry, paranoid etc.
 
The thing that bothers me now is thinking I somehow drove him to it. In a way I KNOW that's only partly correct - he would have ended up there anyway. In my break-up speech (and it had to be a speech because he, as usual, would say nothing during one of our break-ups, answer no questions, nothing) I said that I basically felt that I was asking him for things that were *just not in his arsenal* and that it didn't mean either of us was wrong or 'bad', just that we didn't fit. That's only partly true as well. But I decided to let him off the hook, as I saw it, to end things as peacefully and maturely as I could figure out.
 
What he's done with that, I don't know.
 
My question, finally, is this: How do you "hold a borderline responsible for their behaviour"? In my experience, whatever method I tried, seemed to result in incomprehension or anger.
 
The inconsistency you mention was ever a part of our life. His life, in general.
 
I would find that after a bad episode and then re-uniting, there would be a gradual return to his own 'stuff'. I would be the recipient of his interests and vagaries and there was less and less interest in what I thought or felt. I put it down to selfishness. I saw many examples of this in his life, even with his own child. That's what really made me pay attention; when I noticed he seemed to have only a patchy awareness or care for his child.
 
I don't really know what I'm saying. I started off with one thing and am now confusing myself. Maybe this is just another stage in my thinking about the relationship. It's been two weeks since we've broken up and one week since NC.  Thinking about my own part is confusing me. Sorry.

[COLB]

If anyone is monitoring I have a splitting question.

Can the splitting be due to the BPD needing to make others/situation bad to protect their fragile self image? 

EG:  They are evil and called the police on me and because I was rightfully angry and am innocent...

B

[Harri]

Hi COLB!

I think it can be a part of splitting but it is hard to say for sure.  On the surface, to me, it sounds like Projection may be a part of it too.  That said, it is what underlies the behavior that leads to an appropriate label and we do not really have access to that information. 

Regardless, both are primitive defenses used to avoid difficult feelings and yes, to protect their Self.

[SlyQQ]

Been dealing with splitting don't think anyone here is on track, its an organizational thing.
Schrodinger's cat might be a good analogy.