What is Dissociation and Dysphoria?

I disassociated for about a year.

It's weird. It's actually really pleasant in a way.

Imagine an emotional crisis as being like the turbulence of a raging sea, and disassociating as sinking into the quiet oblivion below. You just give up the struggle and let yourself go.

When you start trying to resurface, though, it's like getting the bends if you come up too fast. Because all that trauma is still there, it didn't go away. And now you have to deal with it all at once.

Hi folks, I didn't see this thread til just now, and thought I'd add my perspective. From what I've read about dissociation (& derealization) there can be chronic and short term dissociation. Neither are amnesia-like usually, but the person's perspective is altered so, memories can be different than what others remember.

I have had chronic dissociation since my childhood. I remember exactly when it became permanent, but am no longer sure how old I was. Until recently, I thought I was 11 or 12, but now I think I must have been 8 or 9. I was very scared when it wouldn't go away, and told my dad, but it was never discussed again. Soon, I just accepted it as me, and didn't think about it for years (decades?) at a time. (I'm 43.) I had no idea what it was until a few months ago.

I assume that everyone who has this is slightly different. But I'll try to describe my experience. It's like living in a 3-D movie that I can interact with. It's not my senses per se, but it is more centered on my vision than hearing or touch. If I close my eyes, and concentrate I feel closer to reality. When it first began it was episodes that I could 'pop' out of. I would have to concentrate really hard on something that I could see, and 'convince' myself that it was really there in front of me. When it worked, it was like a light switch. 'Pop'. All at once, everything became more vibrant and 'closer', if that makes any sense at all. Imagine wearing tinted glasses all day long, then taking them off.

When it became permanent, I couldn't pop out. It was late in a chaotic day, and I was very tired. And I thought that maybe it would just be gone in the morning. It wasn't, and I could never get out again.

I will say that I am very emotional, even though I am chronically dissociative. It's hard to for me to imagine that this blunts my emotions, though I guess it does. (Scary thought.) Now that I know what my problem is, and that it is possible that I can break free from it, I'm trying to do that. I am also now aware of 'the veil'  most of the time. You'd think I'd have known this before, but the intensity varies quite a bit. I have come close to breaking through once, and I was suddenly terrified, and pulled back. Other times I feel that it's very 'thick', to the point that it's hard to concentrate. (It's similar to how you might feel under severe sleep deprivation.) That has happened most frequently as I read books related to BPD, sometimes when reading here, and when I'm with my T.

Anyway, I hope this helps someone understand more what chronic dissociation feels like. I feel like I've 'outed' myself. This is not something I've talked about much. My dad when I was a kid, and my H and my T just recently. I didn't go into this kind of detail though. Frankly, it so weird and hard to understand and embarrassing (?), that it's not something that most people would want to know about anyway.

Alana

For anyone, dissociation is a defense (coping) mechanism.

Alana

I have pictures of my ex-husband (BP) when he is dissociating while standing next to me.  You can actually see on his face that he is just not mentally there.  I cannot imagine what the stressful part of the situation was since we were spending the 4th of July at an amusement park with my family. 

I also remember passing him in the hall of our home when I swear he did not realize I was there.

No, they're in a lot of pain. It's real to them. They're confused and hurt inside. I think when they disocciate they can't deal with the hurt (perceived usually) in front of them. BPD is a serious and very real, painful illness. My heart breaks for my ex but he showed me too much hell to stick around.


Geroldmodel,

Thanks for the info on dissociation. I saw this time and time again, also my ex explained this to me. He said he went to his warehouse to drink as much as he could to deal with his pain when he would bolt out on me to stop his pain.

Thank you for this workshop.

This is helping me understand much more about the things that went on and as more time goes by, and as I read these things, the hurt diminishes with more understanding and compassion takes its place.

As I read through the definitions and mechanics of these dynamics, I can get a better picture of my ex-wife, with her cutting, burning, eating/purging, distorting, etc.  I used to watch her energy shift while processing her thoughts, sometimes mid-sentence, and given that I was going to be the recipient of whatever was coming next I'd go on a kind of alert as I'd never know what "it" would be, until it came and it was pretty unnerving to observe.

This explains these things clearly for me as well as a time when she actually had a different surname for the volatile side of herself that she said, got her through traumatic events earlier in her life.  The surname wasn't tongue-in-cheek at all and was (may still be) a very literal part of her identity and perceptions and she would occasionally ask me to interact with that "other person," by taking with her.  I did lovingly talk with her "other" a couple of times but was pretty uncomfortable doing it as my instincts told me there was more to this than I was aware of nor did I want to be aware of it.  That was my shortcoming and I told her so.  I'm not qualified for this but my heart is going out for the experience and in a new and better understanding not only of my own experience, but of hers as well.

My compassion is growing and I can't thank this place enough for this. 

Again, thank you for this workshop.

UFH

I have been studying this condition for a while now and been perplexed by what I have read. My daughter has idicated to a therapist that she "zones out". Some , I have read suffer increasing periods with this part of their lives. I have read that this is a common occurrance with BPD. I have also rear that there are ways to ground yourself when it occurs. Some use ice cubes. Are there other ways when for instance you may be out shopping and you don't have access to ice cubes? Are there any signs to watch for? I know with the rages that sometimes follow that they can be almost instant. I know from past experiences with her mother that can be horrifying, as though you are looking into the face of someone completely different to who you have got to know. I still bare the physical scars of my ex-wifes rage. Do they really suffer from amnesia or are they trying to distance themselves from what they are capable of during these episodes? I have been brought up by parents to look for reasons not excuses. Do we sometimes distance ourselves from the sufferer to guard ourselves and in doing so validate the sufferers abandonment? I am still looking for answers, maybe there are some of you out there that can help. Thanks

Ian

Just a question - are we sure that all of the people being diagnosed with BPD really have BPD?  Just as autism was an umbrella until we started seeing that it wasn't always autism, etc.  Is it possible that there are onsets of BPD that are actually something else that looks similar?  A viral infection and allergic reactions can look pretty similar at times.  There are only so many ways that the human body reacts physically, only so many symptoms.  Is that true for the emotional/mental state as well?  If you look at Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, you find black and white thinking and ambiguity, both of which show up in BPD as well.  How about Dependent Personality Disorder?  It looks really similar to BPD in many ways.  It does seem strange to have a good chunk of diagnosed people who had no known significant early childhood trauma.

I just read this article about dissociation. Very eye-opening.  I never really understood what went on after or during or arguments, because in my mind the scenario was way off. I guess I understand it now - it makes half the pain go away.

Usually in any conversation, as if, who would wash the dishes type thing -I was trying to work something out that was ok for both of us. But he wouldn´t/couldn´t listen.  After a bit he would fuss, rage and get verbally abusive. Then he´d say good night and go to sleep! And he sleep so soundly he´d snore - and I´d be there right awake and smoke would be coming out of my brain! How could he sleep? Honestly! Then in the morning it would be as if nothing had ever happened. Absolutely nothing! He would sit at the breakfast table, kiss me before he goes to work, and life would keep going on - normally - ARG!  

But then to life as it is now: how the h*** do i get anything discussed? I can´t even get to an agreement over dishes, what about our relationship that is falling apart? I can´t ever get into his mind!  The last few weeks I have said that I can´t stand this relationship anymore and we need counseling. I used the "we" not to suggest that he has BPD. I have suggested that before and oddly he agreed, but no to the point of treatment. He did pick up up phone to mark a psych evaluation for me because he said I was depressed. But not for "us".  I figure the counselor will figure that out that he has BPD and he´ll get help that way.

He knows I´m dead serious about leaving- and then he lives on as if things are fine... .And he isn´t calling a T or C or any type of help. When does it actually sink in: when I leave?

Hi Purged,

Seems like it can be completely true to me. Nice summary.     

But for others reading this thread later, I'd like to throw in that I don't think it describes all the incidents (even though some will be just like this).

For instance, you say:


But even if your comment wasn't completely innocent (like, you were trying to make a constructive criticism), then another way it could happen is that the BPD person, who has a different threshold for criticism (very low), then dysregulates, the emotion kicks in over-strong, the over-general search of the memory begins, and everything else is the same.

And heaven help you if it's actually a snide remark you've made... .but let's not go there... .   

PP

Dissociation comes in varying forms.  The most basic comment about being in a dissociative state is that those experiencing it feel as if they are in a fog, a dream-like state, and they feel detached from the world.

I observed this with my ex a few times... . it can seem like they are depressed and when you talk to them there is no connection.  Kind of a blank stare.  I'm not a psychologist, so this was just my impression.

In it's mildest form, it's a defense mechanism or coping skill to separate the person from stress.  I'd venture to say that many of us have felt this, at times.  In it's extreme form, it's the basis for multiple personalities.

Are you trying to understand this because you think it can be applied to a situation with your ex? 

I'm not a professional either Arn, this is how I interpreted it. I've witnessed this often, always after particularly bad fights. For example we would have a fight that would escalate in the home, I would find her on the couch sitting with a completely blank stare on her face. This would last for several minutes. I would be concerned, and approach her to ask what was wrong. She would usually shake her head no. It's as if she was disconnected from the environment, or situation. Like her senses were overloaded.

This was not always the case from what I recall. This was much later in the r/s, when our r/s was getting worse. I don't remember seeing this first hand before we got married, but that's irregardless.

Dissociation is a phenomenon most people have the capacity to experience.  It is a coping mechanism used to manage stressors .

As a way of coping, dissociation occurs when the brain compartmentalizes traumatic experiences to keep people from feeling too much pain, be it physical, emotional, or both.  When dissociation occurs, you experience a detachment from reality, like ‘spacing out.’  Part of you just isn’t ‘there in the moment.’

I would imagine if a person with BPD is feeling shame or triggered by something they may disassociate in that circumstance.

I found this explanation from a mental health site.  Hope it helps.

Yes, there is.  Freud studied it, and declared auto-hypnosis as a kind of dissociative state.  More recent studies describe it as a possible coping mechanism for trauma, and/or high stress levels.  

That said, we all dissociate from time to time, in different degrees.  Even runner's high can be a kind of dissociation.