BPD - Are they really aware of their behaviour?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

They ARE aware. They just don't care about the consequences. Because they care about themselves, and getting rid of the bottomless void they feel inside.

The rest has just NO VALUE whatsover to them.

Take care

Vince

[Vincent]

They ARE aware. They just don't care about the consequences. Because they care about themselves, and getting rid of the bottomless void they feel inside.

The rest has just NO VALUE whatsover to them.

Take care

Vince

[JoannaK]

This is such a tricky question.  BPD has not been used (as far as I know) as a defense in a court of law.  A specific psychotic/dissociative episode by a BPD person might be seen as an incidence of "insanity".  But BPD is not considered to be a disorder in which someone is unaware of what they are doing. 

In terms of hurting the non or others in their life, they live in pain and fear due to their disorder.  If someone is unrecovered with BPD, they see others as the cause of their pain and suffering, and they feel completely justified in striking back.  In terms of having dates or relationships with others or engaging in more passive-aggressive behaviors, well, they are trying to figure out who they are or get their ego needs met, and they put their need to find somebody or something ahead of the need of the non to be in a stable relationship.  They often don't have the emotional capacities to be in a relationship, so they engage in behavior that will harm or destroy the relationship.     

I would say that, unless the person is in a temporary psychotic/dissassociative state, they are aware of their behaviors and generally feel quite justified in doing whatever it is they are doing.  But they often do care about the consequences... .  but later.  Some can hold it together in front of strangers, which would also indicate that they are aware of consequences.  But "holding things together" for a few hours is different than being what a "good partner" should be long-term.

 

[Chili]

Joanna, that was probably the best answer I have seen to this question. I love the way you have of putting things so they can be understood.

I do know that Psycho Man knew what he was doing at all times. He always had a skewed justification for his actions and rarely saw the impact on others.

Chili

[Karma Police]

Bon jour, mon Vincent!   

I know that xBPDbf was aware of what he did.  The problem came when he would dissociate, forget major details of events, and then get paranoid and anxiety-ridden and the "fight or flight" mechanism takeshold. 

The last time I saw xBPDbf, he said that he knew he was hurting me, but that he didn't want to do anything about it.  He knew perfectly well what he was doing when he had his moments of lucidity, when he was calm enough to think logically and carefully.  He just "needed to be alone".  Talked again about "moving away". 

You know, until he gets lonely again.   :

[veryconfused]

Chili and Joanna K

I don't really have a specific question and I am trying to put into perspective your feedback regarding the issue if they are aware of their behaviors or not.  I guess, briefly, I am baffled with my ex parnter's behaviors to some extent--probably still in some denial as to whether it was genuine or not on her part. She was so convincing and loving in the beginning, stating rather maturely and sincerely her apologies about our past relationship and more or less led me into getting intimate with her and falling in love.  But almost as soon as she knew I had strong feelings, she started pushing and pulling.  When she pushed, I just went on with my life and before I knew it she was pulling so sweetly again.  Wasn't she at all aware of this or maybe she chalked it up to jealousy?  But the most frustrating thing was the break-up--out of nowhere, cold, and angry.  I guess she had no conception of her suppossed, undying love for me weeks before?  That acting in such a cold manner isn't how you treat someone who has been nothing but kind to you?  Do they regret... .I mean there has been NC but she sure spends time driving by my house?  And even if I wanted to email or call her(which I DON"T), I don't even think she would respond.  Is she not aware of any of her behaviors or cognitive dysfunctions?  Thanks.

[Vincent]

She was so convincing and loving in the beginning, stating rather maturely and sincerely her apologies about our past relationship and more or less led me into getting intimate with her and falling in love. 

Hi veryconfused,

I've been EXACTLY through the same exact behavior you mention... .My xgf and I had broken up a first time b/c she had dumped me out of nowhere, deciding she wanted to go back to her xbf after telling me I was her soulmate, her first "true love" etc... .

A few days after the break up, and her telling me I should be a friend only and that she was sure I would find someone to be happy with, she just decided to COME BACK. Of course, I didn't see it that way.

Let me tell you : to have me back, she explained to me, for WEEKS AND WEEKS (I didn't want to try again and get burn again)

- her past behavior,

- the reasons of it,

- why and how it was unhealthy,

- how and why she had done what she had done to me,

- how unexcusable it was etc etc

WITH SUCH INCREDIBLE MATURITY that I eventually became convinced she really had changed and analyzed it all. Her explanations were extremely convincing, and made perfect sense. Like she had SEEN inside herself what was wrong and would be able to change everything. Yep, she had a very mature and convincing way to explain it all to me... .

So, I gave in... .

But almost as soon as she knew I had strong feelings, she started pushing and pulling. 

That's also EXACTLY what followed : I gave in, had her come back to me and my family house. We spent 3 wonderful loving intense weeks together.

And I finally told her I loved her and wanted her to move on with me in Paris (I lived in Paris, she didn't), in my apartment... .

Believe me, THERE she started acting weird again... .With her push and pull, slowly at first, before it became absolutely CRAZY (love you/love you not/love you/love my ex bf/feel lost/love you/will miss you/leave me/don't leave... .).

  But the most frustrating thing was the break-up--out of nowhere, cold, and angry.  I guess she had no conception of her suppossed, undying love for me weeks before?  That acting in such a cold manner isn't how you treat someone who has been nothing but kind to you?

Will you believe me on this ? That's AGAIN what happened to me TOO

After a crazy push/pull (with push/pull phases that would unfold within hours in the end... .) she eventually decided she needed "space and silence" to "move on with her life". Useless to say that the day before, she was telling me how happy she was with me, and that spending time with me had been like "reaching paradise"... .

Of course, when I told her how unstable she was, she really didn't understand my reaction, and coldly replied I was an immature childish guy who should learn about what adult life is all about : "change" to name it... .

She added that I should see a therapist b/c I was being completely out of touch with reality for not seeing before that she didn't want me anymore (stupid me, I thought that the previous day's statement "I love u" meant that she wanted to me my girl... .Stupid crazy me huh !).

She eventually told me I had been a mistake and a weakness for her. I had manipulated her into believing she was in love with me and had separated her from her true love : her xbf (whom she had always depicted as "unhealthy and abusive" )... .

I mean there has been NC but she sure spends time driving by my house?  And even if I wanted to email or call her(which I DON"T), I don't even think she would respond.  Is she not aware of any of her behaviors or cognitive dysfunctions?  Thanks.

My xgf told me she never wanted to have anything to do with me again in her whole life AND in the same time, told me she wanted to remain very close to my own mother

she really didn't understand why this was not possible, and she's been very sad when both my mother and I told her this was completely impossible... .

They are full of contradiction you know... .And would always like to have you as a back-up just in case... .They also tend to worship the past : they can dump you, act out on you, abuse you, tell you to leave them forever... .then cry about the good memories you both had when together.

Believe me : the more distanced you remain from these nutjobs, the healthier your mental and emotional life will be

Take care

Vince

[veryconfused]

Vince

You are funny!  Our stories seem to be exactly the same, especially with the push and pull and how it would be rather passive at first then stronger toward the end.  My xgf told me when she was breaking up(and just hours earlier had told me how much she missed me when she was out of town) that she needed to "do it for herself."  Didn't make sense.  And told me that we were unhealthy and that she would never love anyone like she loved me,EVER, and that she never would but it was just too much for her(this is obviously true for a BPD).  But how your gf conviced you to get back together with her(mine had 18 years to come up with her stuff) is amazing.  It makes me question all these threads about if they remember their actions, understand their behaviors, etc.  I guess a lot of it depends on their intellectual level and whether they are low or high functioning, I Guess?  I think you are right, it is best to stay away from them and especially since they are able to convince us a second time to reengage. 

[fred2016]

My step granddaughter was diagnosed with BPD and she admits she knows what she is doing.  What surprises me is the incredulous stories they come out with to justify their behaviour.  In my step granddaughters case she got pregnant to avoid a job and when asked by the practice nurse if the pregnancy was planned she replied "no, I thought (baby’s fathers name here) was sterile.  He works in the engine room of the boat he works on and he handles the plutonium for the engines which has made him unable to have children".  She lied on two counts & how she expected anyone locally to believe this we do not know as there are no nuclear powered fishing boats in our local harbour!  As for my BPDexgf she insisted she got pregnant when a local man she was seeing “as a friend” "forced himself" on her.  I do not know many women who would get in a car again with a man who forced himself on them yet she was seeing him for weeks afterwards. They know what they are doing all right but what they don't ever learn is responsibility or that they are the cause of the repeated failed relationships and apparent abandonment they so fear.