A dilemma pt 1: close friends and BPD

[Ross]

Ok, so I know there are 'triggers' that are likely to prompt certain BPD behaviours... .But what do you do when those triggers have become unavoidable?

The specifics: having recently had my BPDgf break up with me, we were back at a stage where we were talking on the phone, getting on well, offering comfort and so on. Things were looking slightly up.

However, the last week has been pretty difficult. Fortunately I have an extremely good support network, and have relied on family and friends. One friend in particular, a female friend I've known since school, took a day off work to drive to a different part of the country, listen with patience to my babblings and generally try to take my mind off things. She was very good to me.

However as soon as BPDgf got wind of this (and she asked specifically) the conversation shifted from how we could sort things out and how much we still care and want to be together to 'why aren't you with her then, you clearly love her' and so on. Protestations, denials, reassurances - all availed me nothing, and things went straight back downhill, and once again we said goodbye on poor terms.

So my question, then, is this: given that she is going to specifically ask about this friend; that this friend is definitely an emotional trigger; that I am not prepared to give up my best friends; and that I do not want to lie... .

What on earth can I say?

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[united for now]

Here's the issue. In any intimate relationship, we try to avoid things that can cause our partner problems. Being friends with someone from the opposite sex will be an issue for most people, whether they are BPD or not. Especially if you are going to them to discuss relationship problems and for emotional support. Heck, you'd be upset if the situation were reversed and she were seeking support from another male - right?

To me, this isn't about BPD - this is about you not respecting the danger of sharing intimate knowledge and seeking emotional support from another female. That's how affairs begin my friend - clear and simple.  While you may have no feelings for her in that way, things have been known to go wrong when emotions are high and temptation is around. This girl has shown she is willing to go above and beyond, which is great, but if you turn to her frequently, then there is an issue. Too much of anything can become a problem.

The opposite side of this is, we also know that BPD's frequently try to isolate their partners from other influences; work associates, opposite sex friends, same sex friends, and even family members. If she is showing a pattern of trying to isolate you, and she has no reason to do so since everything is on the up and up and you aren't jeopardizing the relationship by putting your self in potentially hazardous situations, then you can stand your ground on this one.

I know that I would be extremely upset if my partner where going to the opposite sex for support, esp since they have so many other options to chose from.

You can't lie - you also can't force her to accept this friendship - so I guess you have to decide, is she trying to manipulate you or protect the relationship, then consider what you are going to do about it... .

[Ross]

Hmmm. Not quite what I meant, see your point though.

Part of the difference is that, being bisexual, all her friends are 'potential threats' and, actually, many of them are past partners. I've never seen it as a problem really, and certainly never made an issue out of it, in this or any other relationship. But I suppose I come from quite a liberal background.

The patterns are there, and not just in relation to this friend. It is, in fact, in relation to my leaving at any time except to work, and even then sometimes. But it is especially bad in this instance... .I need to work at ways to reassure, I guess.

But you're right, it's not just a BPD thing is it. Need to have a think about values etc.

[united for now]

It can be tricky... .is her complaint legitimate, in that you are turning to another female for support - or is it pure manipulation to isolate you for ease of control?

If she is the type to complain about your leaving all the time, then I would stand firm, but also be reassuring in all areas of having your own time. If you don't, then she will inch by inch steal away and make you feel guilty for not being glued to her side 24/7.

Read some of the workshops we have on boundaries, and mine on jealousy for some more perspectives... .

[Wanda]

 i read this post earlier and what ufn said is exactly what i was going to say but she always says things better then i , and i knew she would come along thanks ufn... .

[trampledfoot]

This thread has been so very helpful to me.  My BPD of 2.5 years, i just learned about BPD, a few months ago has been driving me away from all of my friends for years.  She hates all of my friends and generally dislikes it when I do anything without her. In fact she often states people that are in love want to spend every second of every day together.  I had been conditioned to think this was normal over the years that I was a bad person for wanting my friend time, my alone time, or even things like my gym time.  Why do you have to go to the gym is the gym more important than me why cant you join my gym.