Is sexual dysfunction a BPD trait?

[Auspicious]

I'd be interested in a study about whether women with BPD cause ED ... .

[Hannahbanana]

My borderline did not have a problem at all with achieving or maintaining an erection, but he had a serious problem with ejaculation.  He could spend quite a long time doing various things in a clearly very excited state, but 9/10 he could only ejaculate if he took over any sexual task with his hand.  He also said a very strange thing to me the first time we were intimate together, he said "i am so glad i managed to ejaculate during penetration"  I just looked at him and kinda frowned, thinking he was just nervous and rambling.  However, each time we were intimate, i began to notice he would jump around doing all sorts of sexual positions and was actually never boring, but as i said, usually made an excuse to finish by his own means.

He told me he was slightly intimidated because i modelled lingerie/swimwear and kept telling me he had never been with a girl with such a fantastic figure (sorry if this sounds boastful, but these were his words, not mine)  So i thought that maybe it was that, but i would think that would have the opposite effect on most guys!  He took no medication that i know of, was very anti drugs, drunk alcohol socially and had a reasonably good diet.  I think he was always so filled with anxiety about general life, that he could just never relax enough to function normally.  

[itscomplicated]

Mine didn't have ed but he did have some 'intimacy' problems.  I will try not too be to graphic.

In the beginning we had sex alot. The closer he got, the less frequent the sex got.   The hydraulics worked fine but alot of time he was shut down or withholding.        He would take me to a point where I was 'ready' and then he would go smoke, or get up and go downstairs.      This was an intimacy problem.

Until I got to this board , I just figured that he wasn't that 'into me'

He once told me that sometimes he had a problem kissing or being held b/c he knew it would lead to sex - it was something that started in his last marriage.   This was entirely different than what I experienced in the first 6 months with him.   He said it was something he would have to work through with me b/c he 'loved me'.    I think you will find it common that sex wanes or stops completely once intimacy enters the picture and that could have something to do with the ed.

Oh, i forgot, where most people the sex gets better as you know your partner, he just got more mechanical so the sex got worse.  It was better on the first day than on the last.   

Of course, after he dumped me he told me that it was my fault and I made him do all the work while I just layed there.   That was not true and a very degrading thing to say.

IC

[Auspicious]

I feel for you guys with BPD wives or gf's  I really cant see how you do it... (at least I can fake it if needed )

"You do everything wrong, I probably never loved you, and you make me unhappy all the time. And unless you are perfect, you are all bad."

Can't see why that could cause any problems

[harmony1]

lets just say I can tell with the intimacy... when he wants to kiss... I am white... when he doesnt  I am black and I can tell its about him

odd thing he said to me when we first got married and he still says this sometimes


sex will naturally deplete as you get older cause you wont look so good... .huh a healthy relationship you get further in love for other reasons...

[itscomplicated]

Mine told me before we got together:   Sex will always be more important to you than it is to me.  (sure because one of us is withholding it)

After we got together (oh, its crude) One time we were making love and he looked down at me and he said:  "this is how i will always look best to you".    It was so odd, i thought WTH?   Later, when the sex got very mechanical, I thought about it.   He knew that the times were we intimate would be few and the other times would be tough.  They know they are 'different' even if not diagnosed.

[soonbefree]

My uBPD ex bf has the difficulty to maintain erection. This did not happen in the first 3 months of my 9 months relationship. Pardon if my words too explicit but we are adults here and this for clearer explanation purpose only. He became soft halfway thru it. After sometime and me giving arousal he got hard again. Sometimes at the end when we felt exhausted I have to give him hand job or he did it himself to finish it. I once said you masturbated too many that's why you can cum only by your hand. Next he let me do it with my hand and said in order it gets used to your hand instead.

I think this ED is another hard blow to his self esteem and amplify his fear of abandonment that is why he was pushing me away because he thought sooner or later I will leave him because of his ED.

[MeandThee29]

If it worked, he couldn't say enough about how much he loved me.

If it didn't work, I was the worse wife ever and got the laundry list of my faults afterwards.

There it is, black-and-white thinking in the bedroom.

[SummerStorm]

My ex-friend once told me that she doesn't equate sex with love, which I think was her way of saying that she fears intimacy.  She also once said that "lust fades quickly" and that's why so many of her relationships have ended after only a few months.  I think she's addicted to the rush of sex with a new person, but once that person tries to get closer to her, she pulls away.  We had a very brief sexual relationship, and the last time we had sex was at the peak of her idealization of me.  By the next night, she was lying on my bed with a pillow between us, watching TV and barely acknowledging my existence.  The night after that, she was telling me that I was psychotic, and two days after that, she was calling me a c___t and telling me how annoying I was. 

Sex with her lacked emotion, and she didn't like making eye contact.  After it, she would play a Pokemon game on her Nintendo DS or watch YouTube videos. 

She was my first and only sexual partner (I'm 32), and I really hope I am able to eventually meet someone with whom I can share true intimacy.

[chillamom]

I don't know it hypersexuality is considered a dysfunction per se, but in my 8+ year relationship with my diagnosed BPD/NPD ex, it was an issue (for me, anyway).  He had to have sex 4 or 5 times a day, literally making it impossible to get much else done.  I'm much older than him and told him on many occasions that I wish he could temper that frequency a bit, but I probably said that in such a way so as not to offend him, and he thought I was joking.  I wasn't.  It got to the point many times where it hurt and "intimacy" wasn't much the goal - for him, it was stress relief, and of course he was in a constant state of stress.  I think the most dysfunctional times in this respect were his desire to have sex after hours of raging at me (I guess if we could have sex if meant everything was ok) and also the fact that I literally could not sleep without being awakened several times most nights for sex.  I really don't think he cared much if I was awake or half asleep.  Not fun. 

Given the fact that I went from a marriage where sex was non-existent (literally a decade in our 27 year marriage with no sex at all) to a hypersexual partner, I really have no idea what "normal" looks like.  In fact, one of the worst leftovers from this relationship is I have no concept of "normal" in ANY sense.

[Fie]

My ex BPD had ED and could not ejaculate. He told me he thought the reason was that he had watched too much porn when he was younger. In his mind, 'normal' sex was just less interesting I guess ?

He had this weird idea 'we should have sex once a week, that's a good average'. The more he noticed my libido was higher, the more he insisted on that idea.
Withholding sex also became the norm as the dysfunction got more intense.

In fact nothing was ever loving about having sex with him. He was simply not able to offer intimacy.

We once went to an urologist, who said nothing was physically wrong with him.

[steelwork]

My ex did not ejaculate. Or he said he did some kind of "reverse ejaculation" thing; in any case, when he was married and he and his wife wanted to have a baby, they had to do it via artificial insemination. So it isn't that he COULDN'T ejaculate; he did when he masturbated, but not while having sex with another person--though he (said he) orgasmed. I mean, he certainly showed every sign of orgasming.

It never made sense to me.

But he was very, very focused on me, and kind of obsessed with performing oral sex.

[CottonClouds]

The person I know admitted to not caring about sex, and having huge trust issues. They said they only need themselves for pleasure, no one else necessary. I understand what they mean by that. They are still a virgin I believe. They also have a fear of getting into relationships because of their BPD. They can predict what drama it would cause a future partner. They have been in a many non-intimate relationships. Intimacy scares them.

[Kelli Cornett]

A ton. Very disgusting and weird. There is nothing more uncomfortable than being in bed with someone who has trouble with intimacy. I was embarrassed for them.

It should be loving and fun time. Not a drag and depressing.


I can see why mine would be alone forever.

[Kelli Cornett]

My ex BPD had ED and could not ejaculate. He told me he thought the reason was that he had watched too much porn when he was younger. In his mind, 'normal' sex was just less interesting I guess ?

He had this weird idea 'we should have sex once a week, that's a good average'. The more he noticed my libido was higher, the more he insisted on that idea.
Withholding sex also became the norm as the dysfunction got more intense.

In fact nothing was ever loving about having sex with him. He was simply not able to offer intimacy.

We once went to an urologist, who said nothing was physically wrong with him.

I went through this... .just very creepy and weird.

[Turkish]

Auspicious,

My ex "sent" me to sex therapy. She was supposed to participate but abandoned me there after one group session. 

After asking the female sex therapist and her female intern if a partner's behaviors could contribute to issues, they validated me.

I never told my ex this (she had previously tried to get me to go to a couples' communication class solo). I never had a problem again. Not a single time.  Then was S7, and D5... .

I still can't believe I agreed to that, but it taught me something. 

I have no doubt that she had a better sex life with the guy she left me for.  Then they got married and lived together.  That imploded soon. The kids used to tell me how he would sleep in his car.  DV (mutual, but mostly her) followed. I can't imagine that their sex life didn't suffer.

Sex should be a reciprocal joining,  not a one-sided validation tool. 

[truthbeknown]

Alot of the post are focused on men's sexual problems.  I'm in the healthcare arena so i just wanted to chime in and say that there are plenty of men and women who are not BPD that have sexual dsyfunction issue.

However, what i think we're really asking here is about intimacy issues and how our BPD partners would connect sexually with us.  ie. are they present for us or are they just using us to get off.  Dr. David Schnarch wrote a great book about this called : Passionate Marriage.  He was a sex therapist and not all the cases he worked with were BPD but plenty of people have different sexual intimacy issues without having a personality disorder. 

Whether a man has ED or a woman has Vaginal dryness from hormonal issues isn't a prerequisite for BPD.  However, how they behave could give clues about other things.  Again, the book is a good read for this topic.

One thing that i think is worth considering is whether it is easier for a partner to connect sexually but not emotionally then that might be the red flag.   ie totally into you in the bedroom but not outside of the bedroom.  If a guy can't ejaculate it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you and visa versa for female issues.

[Harley Quinn]

But he was very, very focused on me, and kind of obsessed with performing oral sex.

Sorry Auspicious.  No dysfunction in my r/s sexually at least.  Steelwork reminded me however that my ex had never performed oral sex before me (he was mid 30's and had been afraid of this in the past) so studied intensively for a couple of weeks or so to perfect his technique.  He was extremely focused on me and equally obsessive about my satisfaction.  No complaints here... .

Love and light x

[Seenowayout]

Sex was great.  The best maybe.  Every day. Several times a day. All kinds of ways. If there was an issue it was this --- if I took a pass on a day just because I was tired or whatever she thought I didn't love her anymore -- and she would surely run away and start a rage.  Good problem for a guy to have I suppose -- but like everything in this relationship too much of a good thing can be a bad thing