Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 27, 2021, 04:01:24 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: It is NEVER a good idea to break NC for closure  (Read 1791 times)
CloseToFreedom
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« on: January 09, 2015, 05:12:53 AM »

So, as some of you know I'm 6 weeks out of a 4,5-year relationship with my uBPDexgf. Yesterday I chose to break no contact, to find some closure. As we've split up 10 times already, I should've known that it is NEVER a good idea to break no contact for closure, because you just ain't gonna find any.

I texted her to say that I while we had a terrible relationship, I thought fondly of her and hoped she would become happy. Something in those lines.

Sure enough, later that evening I get a hate spewing e-mail with all the ___ I've done wrong. How I was a cancer on her life, how I'm just trying to get attention and how pathetic I am. I replied with some honest words about how ___ty she treated me during the relationship, threatening suicide on multiple occassions, manipulating me, it just all had to come out. Sure enough, today I get more and more replies on how I think there's nothing wrong with me, how I always blame others. I replied with a list of things I did wrong in the relationship. This angered her even more, claiming I never took blame for faults (even though I just did in the previous email).

I replied with: have a good life, I won't reply on this conversation anymore. Bye.

She replied with: I have the last word

Yes, well... .that was something. Let this be a lesson that there is just no way to find closure with these people. If you are painted black you are the worst person in the world in their eyes and they hate you with all their hard. It is not possible to have a normal adult conversation with them. Just not possible.

In some way, I'm kind of happy to have had this conversation. Its an eye opener. I do feel stupid for starting the conversation though, and giving her the power and the feeling that she has the upper hand. But that's okay, in the end I'll have the upper hand by living my life well and not being in the hell that was my life for the past four years.
Logged
Perdita
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: 5 years in
Posts: 599



« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 05:34:56 AM »

I agree that it is never a good idea to break N/C.  Just sets one back to square one in many regards.  Also, I think it is a mind game with a lot of them to see who can hold out the longest: you or them.  I'm sure it gives them great satisfaction when we are the ones that break N/C.  Why give it to them?  It's been 8 days N/C for me.  I've gone as long as 3-4 weeks in the past and then would take him back.  This time it's all very different.  He has painted me black to try and win the admiration of his slutty fantasy girl.  ME, the one that was so good to him keeps getting thrown under the bus due to his thing for/with her.  To hell with these people.  Don't ever give them the upper hand. 
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 05:52:13 AM »

I fell for it to. Dont worry about it. I saw her always private Instagram account (even when we were together, you had to ask permission) saw her with the new guy looking happy and commented on it. A simple "Glad your Happy... good bye my love" comment. Got an ass kicking text(not sure why she still has my number, as I dont have hers) calling me passive agressive, dont ever do that again, if you have something to say, blah, blah,blah,blah. I texted back that I meant nothing by it, glad she was happy and in a good place and to drop the ego, and that I was genuinely happy for her. Ended it with talk to you later, then briskly blocked her number and then deleted it. Long story short, CTF, is you are right. I cant for the life of me figure out where this hate comes from other than from within themselves.

I have had relationships that didnt work out, some a hell of a lot longer than when I was with her, and we broke it off as adults. These folks act like 5th graders breaking up. Hell, my marriage of 18 years ended because she cheated and I have a better relationship than this. Hard to reason with them, even in a healthy relationship. I made a mistake commenting on her photo, but glad I did. Her conduct through this whole thing has been less than stellar and just comfirms that her dumping me is for the best. I do not wish to be a part of her circus anymore and I could care less what becomes of her.
Logged
CloseToFreedom
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2015, 05:56:15 AM »

It's a double edged sword though, isn't it? On the one hand you are glad that it confirms that they're still the same disfunctional people that can't reason at all. On the other hand because of their reaction they make you feel like you are the weak one for contacting at all.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2015, 06:24:28 AM »

It's a double edged sword though, isn't it? On the one hand you are glad that it confirms that they're still the same disfunctional people that can't reason at all. On the other hand because of their reaction they make you feel like you are the weak one for contacting at all.

Yeah, I shouldnt of, because I was in the 100 days of NC. But I did, thinking she would be an adult about it. Wrong answer. Oh well. Lesson learned. Again... .
Logged
CloseToFreedom
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2015, 06:34:06 AM »

It is interesting though, why they hate us so much. In all her emails, she can't really pinpoint her hate for me or where it stems from. I wouldn't know either, as I've tried very hard to please her the past four years.

I think it's the fact that we let them face themselves, and then they have to come to terms with the fact that they have flaws (just like any human being, me and you included). They can't cope with that so its easier to just paint the person black.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2015, 06:58:02 AM »

It is interesting though, why they hate us so much. In all her emails, she can't really pinpoint her hate for me or where it stems from. I wouldn't know either, as I've tried very hard to please her the past four years.

I think it's the fact that we let them face themselves, and then they have to come to terms with the fact that they have flaws (just like any human being, me and you included). They can't cope with that so its easier to just paint the person black.

Beats me. She imagined I did something wrong somewhere, somehow, combination there of, abandoning her or something, more attension, dogs cohabitating with cats, I dont know. I was used for her conveinence, my favorite term, emotional tampon. I wasnt perfect by any means. Neither was she. Just dont mention shes not perfect though. Frankly, not on my list of stuff to give a ___ about anymore. In my small mind, I did what I shouldnt have done, broke NC, and got beat for it.
Logged
CloseToFreedom
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2015, 07:10:44 AM »

It will always be someone else's fault in their eyes, it can never be their fault. Indeed, pointing our her flaws only enrages her. She then uses degrating sentences (like 'are you a 30 year old guy? you're just a child) to justify her logic.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2015, 07:16:11 AM »

It will always be someone else's fault in their eyes, it can never be their fault. Indeed, pointing our her flaws only enrages her. She then uses degrating sentences (like 'are you a 30 year old guy? you're just a child) to justify her logic.

Yeah, shame isnt it? At the final rage, I tried so hard to get her to come to counseling. She simply said, save it for your next girlfriend or your wife Molly(my 20 y/o daughter)... .wow.
Logged
Perdita
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: 5 years in
Posts: 599



« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2015, 07:22:30 AM »

Yeah, shame isnt it? At the final rage, I tried so hard to get her to come to counseling. She simply said, save it for your next girlfriend or your wife Molly(my 20 y/o daughter)... .wow.

It's never them.  Mine would never go for counseling even though he needs it and is seriously screwed up.  They will just keep on hurting innocent people and moving on to the next one like it's nothing.
Logged
Blimblam
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



WWW
« Reply #10 on: January 09, 2015, 07:25:32 AM »

Yeah, shame isnt it? At the final rage, I tried so hard to get her to come to counseling. She simply said, save it for your next girlfriend or your wife Molly(my 20 y/o daughter)... .wow.

It's never them.  Mine would never go for counseling even though he needs it and is seriously screwed up.  They will just keep on hurting innocent people and moving on to the next one like it's nothing.

Perdita do you think you may be engaging in some black and white thinking?  There are no absolutes but their are patterns that tend to repeat.

I can sense that your hurt and upset  and rightfully so after being abused and betrayed by the person you gave your heart time and effort to.
Logged
CloseToFreedom
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated since nov '14
Posts: 431


« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2015, 07:31:55 AM »

Wow, another reply to my email that shows some insight, who would've thought? Still filled with some blaming, of course, but still:

"I hate you to cope with it. I hate you because you're to blame for all this. And I find it easier than to fall in love with you again or to believe your lies."

Never thought I'd see such insight from her. Unbelievable. I feel better already.
Logged
Perdita
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: 5 years in
Posts: 599



« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2015, 08:00:14 AM »

Perdita do you think you may be engaging in some black and white thinking?  There are no absolutes but their are patterns that tend to repeat.

No, I don't.  This is how it is with him.  I am finally allowing myself to see him for what he is.  I know he hurt his ex badly enough that she had to go for therapy yet he refused then and now to do the same.  He is basically extremely selfish and at least has admitted to that much all on his own.  He has hurt me many times and never showed remorse even though he'd sometimes say "sorry".  Sorry doesn't cut it when you're sitting there with a big smile on your face being cruel while the person that has been so good to you is falling apart in front of your eyes.  That happened too many times.  His cruelty combined with that awful little smile.  As if he was proud of what he was accomplishing.
Logged
Blimblam
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



WWW
« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2015, 08:28:58 AM »

Perdita do you think you may be engaging in some black and white thinking?  There are no absolutes but their are patterns that tend to repeat.

No, I don't.  This is how it is with him.  I am finally allowing myself to see him for what he is.  I know he hurt his ex badly enough that she had to go for therapy yet he refused then and now to do the same.  He is basically extremely selfish and at least has admitted to that much all on his own.  He has hurt me many times and never showed remorse even though he'd sometimes say "sorry".  Sorry doesn't cut it when you're sitting there with a big smile on your face being cruel while the person that has been so good to you is falling apart in front of your eyes.  That happened too many times.  His cruelty combined with that awful little smile.  As if he was proud of what he was accomplishing.

I'm sorry you went though that.  The sadism really wounded me extremely deeply and I can relate. So many nightmares and panic attacks with that smirk haunting me.   But just wanted to point out "he" as in your ex and "they" all pwBPD are two different things.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!