I have hospitalized my husband twice

[LivingWell]

Natasha,

You have come so far so fast.  Maybe it doesn't seem like it to you but you have made amazing progress from where you were a few short months ago.

Congratulations!

Loretta

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Natasha Tomicic]

  Loretta

You are/ were a big help in that.

Thank you so very much for peeling open me eyeballz  xoxo

[atwittsend]

hey natasha...  

[LivingWell]

That's what we are here for is to enlighten one another.  You are the second person today I'm committing to drink a congratulatory toast to tonight. I better get off the board before it is  three.  Then I would be unable to communincate. Oops.

Really congratulations.  I'm so glad you found the strength within you. It ws there all the time.

[eeyore]

I recognize your symptoms and know them well.  You may have what Dr. LivingWell named "non-person syndrome". Dr. LivingWell diagnosed me first!

Many nons were raised in a home with BPD's or other 'difficult' people.  Everything the BPD's said or did was wrong.  The crazies were making the rules and demanding all the attention.  As a non I learned to shut up and stay out of the line of fire. I was a non person.

We non-people may have grown up and become smart, effective and confident.  We may get praised for our brains and good works.  Yet at the core of our self-confidence is the soft non-person.

You and I grew up to value truth and speaking the truth.  We want to get to the core of truth.  We want to speak the truth.  We want to say what we think.  If we can't do that with our loved ones we become non-people.  Our BPD loved ones know how to find and hurt the soft core better than anyone.  After the BPD has stomped on my confidence and I can't say what I'm thinking, I'm a non-person.   I don't exist in this world. Boom! I'm going to say what is on my mind (not a good idea) or I'm going to walk away (I am crushed).

Personally, I cannot imagine a person who had my back in all situations; Except when we were together he could hurt me to the core and I couldn't respond with what was on my mind.  It  would destroy me. 

Is this what happens to you?  Don't know.  Is there some way to "fix" you?   :)on't know.  Are you BPD?  Don't think so.  But when BPD gets to your core and escalates the drama you are not going to be denied the opportunity to say you piece.  I understand.  Been there.  Know the problem.  Not the answer.

eeyore raising her hand jumping up and down... I can relate and I'd be interested in finding answers/help.

[Natasha Tomicic]

eeyore raising her hand jumping up and down... I can relate and I'd be interested in finding answers/help.

I don't have answers...thoughts...if you want to read them.

Before you met your BF, were you someone who grabbed life by the ballz and made it scream? Nothing was going to stop you, and when someone said " No way...you can't do that. " My thought was " Watch me!" and...I did.

So, what changed?

And...why did it feel somewhat familiar?

This is where we get into the navel gazing FOO issues...and what not

...and because I know jack squat about psychology, I will leave it at that. Loretta is very very good at this.

Uhmmm and regarding labels and what not...it's quite the red herring 

[eeyore]

no i have to admit I've had issues with my personal relationships because I have a sense of control that I can't seem to get over.  I dislike when someone tells me not to do something and I can't see a good reason why other than it's what they want.  The problem is it's what I want. 

[oneflewover]

This was something to read this resurrection of this post of yours miss Natasha, our resident spice girl (cause we all can't be sugar!   ).

You clearly have had an internal change happen and I can see it in your posts.  It is so wonderful to see!

You will never know...how much I have appreciated you all for being here.

The kindness, PATIENCE, wisdom and tolerance for this very  my-issuesridden Anger disordered  person herself...I feel like a real crud for having been so...*argh*, hostile and blind to the purpose.

xoxox

[Natasha Tomicic]

I have a sense of control that I can't seem to get over.

...Ahh   ...do you always like to have a car or another mode of transport when you go somewhere that you have control over your movements as well?

just asking...

 OFO...it's a much nicer place of BEING.

[eeyore]

I have a sense of control that I can't seem to get over.

...Ahh   ...do you always like to have a car or another mode of transport when you go somewhere that you have control over your movements as well?

just asking...

  OFO...it's a much nicer place of BEING.

the answer to your question is no.  I just hate when I'm always compromising.  

[Natasha Tomicic]

I just hate when I'm always compromising. 

Hmmmm...then don't.

Pick your battles then more carefully.

Compromise on the non important things...and the others, don't.

You do NOT have to if you do NOT want to.

That's where you need to look at your boundaries. How are they?

[eeyore]

I have better boundaries now than I have ever had.  I feel more self confident in myself than I have ever felt.  But sad that the person who in many ways has caused me to dig deep in my soul look at my  foo issues to find this confidence can't share in the joys that the self esteem, skills, etc have given me.  Instead he pushed me away and broke up with me.  He couldn't deal with me being insisent and thought I was unreasonable for standing up for myself.  I feel overly criticized and misunderstood by him when I made mistakes while I was growing my wings and learning skills 

I hear the stories of how you and your H and others have or/are overcoming the behaviors and I want to be able to also.  So I pushed my desires and he pushed back by breaking up with me and saying this isn't what he wants.  I am now in the mode to accept it.  What more should I be doing?   Or what other things can I be doing to help me?  I tried to sleep I only could sleep for an hour.  So in the last two days I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep.  Am I heading in the right direction? 

[Natasha Tomicic]

I will do my best here...cuz I am rather poor at describing the finer points.

But sad that the person who in many ways has caused me to dig deep in my soul look at my  foo issues to find this confidence can't share in the joys that the self esteem, skills, etc have given me.

Of course he's not going to be happy about that...he loses control over you when you start setting those boundaries around you. He can't tear at you in the same manner anymore.

He couldn't deal with me being insisent and thought I was unreasonable for standing up for myself.

Standing up for yourself doesn't necessarily mean being insistent...just do it. Let your actions speak alone.

I feel overly criticized and misunderstood by him when I made mistakes while I was growing my wings and learning skills

Did you think he was going to validate any of that? Never!

I hear the stories of how you and your H and others have or/are overcoming the behaviors and I want to be able to also.

Not overcome...the behaviors are still present...how I deal with them, is another matter.

So I pushed my desires and he pushed back by breaking up with me and saying this isn't what he wants.

He doesn't want someone who is not willing to be a doormat. ok.

I am now in the mode to accept it.

Yeeeeeeahhhh...not really. Not sure even how to explain it, it comes from within you.

1. I know he's going to act like a nut sometimes.

2. Not a darn thing I can do about that.

3. Some times...it's just hilarious...I have to stop myself from laughing...and focus on Validation.

4. I feel so sorry for the inner turmoil that takes over him...and nothing I can do about it.

5. I know who I AM. And if for any reason it's not enough for him..----> the door is that way, don't be thinking you're coming back any time soon...if ever. I love him, it will hurt like hell...*oh well* been through worse. I will survive just fine thank you.

6.

What more should I be doing?   Or what other things can I be doing to help me?  I tried to sleep I only could sleep for an hour.  So in the last two days I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep.  Am I heading in the right direction?

Eeyore...working on what you ReALLy want. This revolving chaos he's got you trapped in...you are allowing it. He doesn't cut you free of it...you cut yourself free.

[Natasha Tomicic]

1.Told him about the one year exit. If not better, I am done. No more.

2. Ever lay a hand on me again. Done.

3. Stop me from leaving when I feel it's best that I leave. DONE!

Keeping myself  honest with me:

Point #1 We made it past Nov 16th, one year without violence.

Point #2. Dec 16th, gong show drinking. AM...I corrected his Facts. *oops* he escalated throwing coffees. I engaged, was not foul, but was loud. H cuffed me...I grabbed whatever handy and let him have it at the temple.

Why?

Point#1 achieved by Not being around when he was dysregulated. My error on engaging. yeah...shouldn't be that way, but it is...he was over the edge and really really down and ashamed of the AM events

Note to self: Do not bother Ever trying to validate when he's been in the bottle.

Validation of mate has created a far more peaceful environment for both. I feel more heard, he can validate me on some frustrations, anything to do with his actions= forget about it. Won't happen.

Xmas was a total crater zone...and same thing. BE out of Sight! He cannot leave well enough alone...

Told him about BPD [ again] and his mother's Bipolar insanity...that he knows his childhood was not normal...and I still love him with whatever it is he suffers from.

Me: Not so angry anymore...strange...  ?

Thank you to all of you that helped me.  You will never know how much I appreciate that.  xoxo