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Poll
Question: What is the current status of your BPD relationship? [for members actively in the disengaging process today only]
We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks - 62 (13.7%)
We spent time together in last 4 weeks (but none of the above) - 35 (7.7%)
We have  communicated in the last 4 weeks (but none of the above) - 83 (18.3%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications (separation initiated by BPD) - 20 (4.4%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications  (separation initiated by me) - 23 (5.1%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more (separation initiated by BPD) - 93 (20.5%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me) - 111 (24.5%)
Other (if you can't fit it above, please explain in a post) - 26 (5.7%)
Total Voters: 448

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Author Topic: SURVEY | What is the status of your relationship with your BPD?  (Read 18996 times)
Desert
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« Reply #30 on: February 16, 2009, 01:53:57 PM »

What would you say the biggest challenges (top 3) were (are) for you in disengaging yourself?

1.  Fear that I will spend the rest of my life alone.  In addition to my knowledge that no one will ever want me (I have specific attributes which are still considered socially acceptable to discriminate against - even on these boards I have read two posts which reflect a mocking insensitivity to these issues),  I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again.

2.  Fear that I will never get over her, that if she shows up one day (she knows where I will be working and my office is publicly accessible) that I will not have the strength to resist her. It would be easier if sometime in my future I had a more full life, but that won't happen.  My life is a very lonely one and she is a staggeringly attractive and charming woman.  In the past, I've stated that when I speak to her, all my defenses disappear. 

Changing my phone number won't help:  I am a licensed professional and state law requires that my name, address (they allow me to use a post office box, thank the lord) and phone number are posted on the web so as to be accessible to everyone on the planet.

3.  My desire to help her (and her fetus).


The saddest thing is, I feel that whether or not I am successful in maintaining NC, I lose either way.  The choice is either (1) to lose my sanity, my career and my life quickly from the emotional havoc of having this woman in my life; or (2) to watch my sanity and health erode slowly from the debilitating loneliness that has come to characterize my life.
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solluna
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« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2009, 02:16:27 PM »

Told Hu I was ending the marriage 16 months ago. Stayed living together for two more months, I slept on sofa or at a friend's house, until we told the kids. I had already rented a house to move into when I told him, landlords surprisingly let me not pay for one monthe so I only paid for one month empty house (I gradually moved things in) We told the kids and I moved out two weeks later. I have not talked to him about anything except the kids and the divorce. The kids are teenagers and doing well, so there has been little to discuss. Also, fortunately for all involved, we have very few conflicts about child rearing. He tries to talk about other things, but I cut him off and he is gradually decreasing contact.

Hardest part about leaving:

1. Worry about the kids. He is a hands on playful father - The kids are doing better than my wildest hopes. Not only my observations but that of their friends' parents, teachers. We have 50/50 custody, I am missing half of their lives

2. Finances - I gave him more than half our assets, and am the sole support of the kids (college coming) as well as supporting him for the next year. I have a good job, am not destitute, but I have worked hard, saved money, put my wants on hold, etc etc.

3. Agreed "giving up the dream" - I will not grow old with the father of my children, share the joys of grandparenthood, etc.

4. Facing that I could not fix the situation by just trying harder. Also, facing that I should have known this years ago and wasted so many ers hoping for something that could never be.

5. Uncertain whether I coud ever trust my judgement about men if the opportunity should arise.
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Marid
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« Reply #32 on: February 16, 2009, 02:54:59 PM »

Facing that I could not fix the situation by just trying harder. Also, facing that I should have known this years ago and wasted so many ers hoping for something that could never be.

Amen to the grief over wasted years ... .except I did learn some stuff -- and so did you!  And maybe I wouldn't be ready for the next phase if I hadn't gone through this one.

I HAVE to look at things that way -- because when I don't, I lay awake and cry, feeling that I have given away 7.5 years of my life ... .plus the recovery time ahead.

Marid
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Howzah
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« Reply #33 on: February 16, 2009, 03:14:59 PM »

It's been 3 weeks since I've seen her. She was drunk riding her bike on a flat tire and called me, so I picked her up and we hung out at my house. I was stupid, temptation came, and I buckled. We slept together. It was a mistake. It was so emotionless, no passion, just porn star sex. I really regret it.

She moved a week later. I would get the occasional text, but she made no effort to see me before she left. I only really get sporadic texts now, usually meaningless, or with sad faces talking about how depressed she is. When I engage, she doesn't respond to anything directly I say, or at all. She'll just send the random text with the woe is me life sucks, and won't respond to my texts. I've made the decision to just let it go, but it's really freaking hard. There isn't a single redeeming quality about her. SHe's just really messed up, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a terrible mother, and a terrible friend. I look back on everything and I'm amazed what I put up with. I should have never gotten involved with someone so mentally unstable. Never should have given them the benefit of the doubt. Never should have ever cared. It was a big mistake. I can't say what will happen, but I need to be strong and try my darn best to let her go and never look back. It's a vacuum of pain, abuse, and heartache that will never end as long as I care about her.
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Red Raven
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« Reply #34 on: February 16, 2009, 03:20:58 PM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications (separation initiated by BPD)

Except of course she called I didn't pick up and I deleted the v/m without listening to it.  That was January 26th, a month to the day she broke up with me.

Hardest thing for me is being without my best friend, my lover, my soul mate.  Realizing that the dream isn't coming true.  I am in an altered reality of where I thought I would be.  I thought we would be engaged, my house for sale and packing to move to Co.

Now I am struggling to find purpose.
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Marid
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« Reply #35 on: February 16, 2009, 03:26:54 PM »

It's a vacuum of pain, abuse, and heartache that will never end as long as I care about her.

So well phrased!

You may or may not be old enough to remember a song by a band called "Heart"  -

"I've got to harden my heart.

I've got to swallow my pride.

I've got to turn and walk away."

Easier said than done, though, huh?    ;p


Marid

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solluna
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« Reply #36 on: February 16, 2009, 04:11:38 PM »

In my disengaging process, I saved a gift he gave me in one of his saner more stable times. I thought I would want/need some memory of "better" times, but I know that I wanted to hang onto some hope that one day he would be different and we could get back together again, and my fantasy of who he was would come true. I did this even as I had no doubt it was over forever.

I saw this item in my desk drawer at work just a few weeks ago There was no emotional content at all, I chuckled at myself for keeping it.  I picked it up and threw it in the garbage. I did not need hope, I did not need to scratch off the scab becaue the wound essentially was healed and had no residual pain.

I do still regret the wasted years, have anger at him, but I did learn about myself, and have alot to work on regarding me. But there is another thread called "Joy, joy,joy" and I feel I am there and Marid, LeeJr, Howzah, Desert, everyone, we can all be there. These people do not need to define our lives. They have left their scars, but scar tissue is tougher than the original. We may scratch it or pick at it, but eventually it fades.   

Solluna
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Howzah
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« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2009, 04:16:45 PM »

It's a lot easier said then done. I think we cling on to a hope. We hope that if we just care a little longer than all the other people they destroyed, maybe they will return the favor, and realize what life is all about. It's about love, happiness, friendship. trust. Without these things we live an empty existence. We're just breathing organisms without feeling and emotional fullfillment in our lives. We have fantasies, because a lot of BPDs are very beautiful people on the outside, that we can rescue the damsel in distress, and show them we're special. We're trying to validate how important or special we are to ourselves, by caring about them. It's a vicious cycle.

It just won't work. These are seriously damaged people on the inside. Nobody is going to save them or make them happy. They are completely miserable and blame the world for their unhappiness. Nothing is ever good enough. Its why most of them are so shallow and superficial. They look for the wrong things to try and sustain their emotional needs.
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Marid
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« Reply #38 on: February 16, 2009, 06:52:08 PM »

We hope that if we just care a little longer than all the other people they destroyed, maybe they will return the favor, and realize what life is all about. It's about love, happiness, friendship. trust. Without these things we live an empty existence.

It just won't work. These are seriously damaged people on the inside. Nobody is going to save them or make them happy. They are completely miserable and blame the world for their unhappiness. Nothing is ever good enough. Its why most of them are so shallow and superficial. They look for the wrong things to try and sustain their emotional needs.

Okay, Okay, I will be the first one to raise my hand and tell everyone here ---

Yes, I have REPEATEDLY told  my BPDh that I love him more than anyone else in the world has ever loved him -- and understand him better, too.

Both of those are probably true -- the 2nd one certainly is -- at least NOW it is.

Marid

PS - Solluna, I will look for the Joy, Joy, Joy thread.  Thanks for mentioning it.

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solluna
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« Reply #39 on: February 16, 2009, 08:22:45 PM »

I have thought and worked long and hard on this issue. In addition to being a caregiver by nature and profession, in addition to somehow loving the person I was with, in addition to wanting to rescue him, for me, I realized, that on some level I felt if he would love me back, he who has such intimacy problems then I really must be lovable, worthy person. My own self confidence needed the validation from him. I had to learn to value myself and see how I was selling myself so short.

Howzah, you are absolutely right. These are damaged people and nothing will fix them. Many friends would tell me how lucky my Hu was to have me, but he didn't see it. Never did, never will. When he would tell me he loved me, he didn't, he is incapable of that emotion, he was just scared I would leave him. We do not owe them anything, it was our misfortune to end up with them, we did not make them that way and all our love, caring, protection, support is just trashed by them because they are incapable of seeing others. 
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mc_terminator
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« Reply #40 on: February 16, 2009, 09:02:51 PM »

communicate often... i just want her to say something good about me, but it never happens. makes me feel like every good thing she did say was a lie, even though i know she meant it in her own way at the beggining. she doesnt say anything bad though, i guesse thats something.
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rponce
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« Reply #41 on: February 17, 2009, 12:22:05 AM »

The last time i see him was in November 22th

He start to try to comunicate with me... December 5th (calls, emails... .etc) until December 24.

After that i had to comunicate with him (through lawyers) back and forward, legal matters ( we own a business together)

He is bothering my friends with calls and emails. but not me.

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innerspirit
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« Reply #42 on: February 17, 2009, 01:54:27 AM »

Only divorce-related communication with stbxH in the last 4 weeks.  Thankfully. 

Mostly email -- quite pleasant and businesslike.  Just one phone call last night, same mood -- on speaker phone with a real estate person in re selling the house.

He used the bright Dr. Jekyll voice reserved for his "Outer Circle" of friends, acquaintances. 

The first legal meeting is coming up -- with him, me, the 2 lawyers.

Will probably be quite rough.
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teri
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« Reply #43 on: February 17, 2009, 06:16:08 AM »

Solluna, what you said only continues to re-affirm why I walked away from my exbpbf. Like you, I too was holding on to something of his, till I too, found it silly. There is no hope, and never was. But I am o.k. with that now. Thanks for your post. It is nice to be reminded that we need to be positive and take care of ourselves. It we had been, we never would have been in a situation with a bp person in the first place. I learned, and am still learning but am in a really good place now. Thanks for the inspiration!
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Hannahbanana
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« Reply #44 on: February 17, 2009, 06:24:16 AM »

Last saw him mid December, things went downhill again when i went home, had a blazing row about a week before xmas and it continued through xmas.  We last spoke on the phone 4 weeks ago this Thursday, initiated by him saying we should take 3 weeks and not speak because talking was not helping us at that moment (although he had said this many times and every time i tried, he called.  Or, he would call me immediately after saying he no longer wanted to talk and say he did nto mean it)  This is the first time in 1.5 years that we have not spoken for longer than 5-6 days and i suspect he has met someone else and that is whay he seems to be ok with the NC.  Neither of us has attempted contact in this time.
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veryconfused
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« Reply #45 on: February 17, 2009, 07:02:20 AM »

All communication severed for 4 weeks or more (initiated by BPD).

It was March 2008 that my friend abruptly ended our relationship, the relationship that meant the world to her and she was so unbelievably happy to have been given a second chance.

I was blinded by what I really wanted to see or get out of our renewed friendship, which was a seemingly unconditional love from someone from my childhood.  Obviously that didn't go so well, LOL, but I am glad for the experience so I could finally put the pieces of the puzzle together and grow within and find that understanding.  I am still working on finding peace with it all and still dealing with grief that I still feel occasionally.

My ex did a series of re-engages that I really hadn't considered re-engages since I did not get actual, direct communication from her.  When she first left, she did email me 2 or 3 times within the first 2 weeks but my responses to her were very emotional and I talked a lot about my pain and anger from her actions and needless to say she stopped responding.  She would visit a friend of hers who lives down the street from me quite often, maybe 2-5 times a month.  I saw her drive past my house twice in different rental cars after she wrecked her car, she must have thought she was "hidden."  She emailed me about 1-2 months later and told me that she knew I was doing computer searches on her and insisted she was finished with me and told me to move on, but the really weird thing was that she made this email address up and used my name in it... .it was all a victim ploy, full of projection. 

In late July she drove directly past my house very slowly.  She had very dark, tinted windows and they were rolled down.  In the front seat was a man.  She was trying to make me very jealous of course and it did work.  I went to see her two agonizing weeks later.  She was very narcissistic, dramatic, but was visibly shaking and nervous, which contradicted her narcissistic attitude.  Nothing was gained from the visit other than before I went, I kind of told myself to treat it as a funeral, take one last look at her, touch her once more, say my goodbye's.  I really needed to know 100% that she was BPD, to find out, and I did on that visit and I said my goodbye's to myself.  But I had still hoped that she would restart communication.  She did respond to one brief email I sent, asking me what I wanted. I responded that I didn't know and called and left a few messages for us to just talk.  She did not call back and when I stopped calling and emailing, she wrote back 2 or 3 days later with jargon that didn't answer anything and was meant to give her some control in making sure she was ending it. 

I had journaled and made lists of every single time I had seen her since she ended our relationship in March.  It was astounding once I put it all together and really saw how much I was seeing someone who abruptly ended a relationship and wanted nothing to do with me and I was always seeing her on MY TURF.  She made it possible for her to be in my sights very often.

I prepared to see her on Halloween since that was her first official re-engagement back in 2002 since 1994.  Sure enough she was on my street, following right behind me, as we walked our children.  I said nothing, did not even let her know that I knew she was there.  On Nov. 16th she sent me an email at 2:30 a.m. that said "What the f***" and "God D****It."  It was obvious she hadn't erased me from her email address book since it was emailed to my name, not my email address.   So much for her being done.  I did not respond.

Since then, I still see her around the block.  I miss her.  But I know what is good for me and what isn't.  And I know she is sick.  I'm still grieving, still putting pieces together, and more importantly, still working on myself.  Thanks for listening.
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hard2saybye
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« Reply #46 on: February 17, 2009, 08:20:23 AM »

We have been separated for nearly four months, but other than filling out the disillusion papers have not filed anything yet.  We have two small children and have to interact with their exchanges.  She recently lost her job and has wanted me around more.  There has been no physical contact, hell I sleep on the couch most nights, but have stayed  together.  I am kind of split about it.  I like always having hope, but know that there is no need to dream with her.  She is tolerable to be around, but not the person I need to have in my life.
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Calico123

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« Reply #47 on: February 17, 2009, 12:30:30 PM »

Separation initiated by her. Claimed later she didn't mean it, but I'd tried to leave her for about six months prior to that and was subjected to many re-engages. Continued to re-engagement for many months until I finally sent the email that said "no further contact" after the separation agreement was signed. Then, when I filed for divorce, she took that as an opportunity to get back into it. I had to hire a lawyer, even though our agreement had stated that any divorce would be uncontested. This was a year after separation.

She continued to re-engagement by calling and meeting my mother for another year. She only stopped that when my mother had a medical issue that required assistance and needed a driver. Mother never heard from the ex after that. A further six months after that, she hacked into one of my accounts (I'd changed the password, but forgotten that you could access the ability to change password by knowing the secret word). Luckily I tried to log in a few minutes after she'd changed the password and contacted the institution to change it back. I didn't confront her about it because I knew that's why she'd done it, so I would initiate contact.

Total time length of re-engages, about 2.5 years. I'm still on edge watching out for another one even though it's been a bit more than 4 years since separation.
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texas.moxie
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« Reply #48 on: February 17, 2009, 03:06:11 PM »

We share a house but not a bed.  Not that he hasn't tried... .

BPbf - the Paranoid Drama Queen simply will not leave.

I have made appointments to have the house appraised and to see a lawyer.

If I cannot get him to leave, I will sell the house out from under him- provided I can sell the house for what it is worth in this market.

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Hannahbanana
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« Reply #49 on: February 17, 2009, 03:18:50 PM »

If I cannot get him to leave, I will sell the house out from under him- provided I can sell the house for what it is worth in this market.

There's always someone who will buy a house and a borderline, i reckon you won't get too much extra for the borderline though.
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everyday
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« Reply #50 on: February 17, 2009, 04:06:42 PM »

A)  I have not seen or heard from the heartless wench in 6 ½ months since she terminated   

     our relationship via telephone.  During the first few months I sent several letters which 

     were unanswered.  Have not attempted to contact her in over 4 months and do not plan

     to do so.  When my perspective changed from seeing her as someone who endured a

     difficult childhood to someone who is a successful, highly functional abuser, the love I

     felt for her turned gradually to embitterment.

B) The 3 biggest challenges for me initially were:

        1.   Accepting that it was actually over.

        2.   Accepting that she never really loved me, in spite of her declarations and promises.

        3.   Keeping myself from calling her or knocking on her door – which I managed to do   

             with the help of this board.

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deb123

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« Reply #51 on: February 17, 2009, 04:17:12 PM »

been nc four months, besides court paperwork. final court date march 27. she left while i was out of town, she has not attempted contact and i havent either besides serving  her court paperwork. she walked away from relationship and decided to drop out of college. and wants me to pay for her student loans, and a upside down car loan of hers. we were legally two months and no i have spent four months trying to get court date and this over. i have to admit life is better and she has not come around.things are good.
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Winded

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« Reply #52 on: February 17, 2009, 10:56:29 PM »

Two weeks ago was the last night we spent together and the last time I saw her.  We did not have sex.  We had a falling out because I mentioned that I was going to visit her later that week and she freaked out (I think because she had plans with another man).  The next morning there was another argument and she walked away from me.  She now refuses to answer my calls and emails.  I have tried to initiate contact but she has just cut me out completely.  I am sure that about six months from now I will be thankful she did, but I am struggling with it.  The last time she did this she came back weeks later because she needed something from me.  I have seen what she has done to another person's life and I think that I am lucky to get away with just a heartache.  Still, I have found it so difficult to accept that she will never change.  I know inside she won't, but my heart is killing me and that heart belongs to an optimist.  As I was writing this, I just glanced down and saw "everyday's" post, about the 3 biggest challenges.  Yup!  No doubt about it - those challenges are my challenges too.
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texas.moxie
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« Reply #53 on: February 18, 2009, 07:34:14 AM »

Excerpt
There's always someone who will buy a house and a borderline, i reckon you won't get too much extra for the borderline though.

I have a vision leap to mind from the movie "Oliver" - where they are walking through the streets of London singing "Boy, boy for Sale!'

Thanks for the giggle.
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Limelight
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« Reply #54 on: February 19, 2009, 07:22:08 PM »

Hi Skip,

This survey does not apply to my situation - my BPDH and I are still together, dramatic ups and downs but still hanging on in there - Limelight
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Beast98
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« Reply #55 on: February 22, 2009, 11:48:13 AM »

She moved back in to my house a week ago after being gone 5 1/2 months. It's been very strange but I have been applying what I've learned wherever I can. But my confidence is low. I'd say it's 50/50 if she lasts another week.
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pinkangel
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« Reply #56 on: February 24, 2009, 10:56:47 PM »

I had to communicate with him due to severing our work relationship... a painful three weeks to sign one piece of paper... .bur all communicarions since Jan. 16th have been text or email or not at all. I have responded only to Work issues and finally turned it over to my attorney on 2/3. So for the last two weeks I have not responded to anything. His last attempt was a "Happy Valentines Day"... I didn't respond. We ended our work and text obligation on Friday the 20th... .I told him Goodbye and I meant for real b/c I don't plan on ever responding to him again. He asked me to talk to him ... I didn't respond. I haven't spokken to him for three weeks and I don't plan to ever text or communicate with him again.

He wrote me ... Goodbye... for now... .whatever the heck that means... .I don't know what that even means... but I meant Goodbye for good... .I too am thankful for all the support on this board. I would not be where I am without it... .
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pinkangel
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« Reply #57 on: February 24, 2009, 11:04:06 PM »

Can anyone tell me why the heck he text me "Goodbye For now" ... .what is that? Does he actually think I'm not going away? Is it his way to not be inreality that I am actually saying Goodbye and I have no intention of answering his calls, tezt, emails or anything ever again? Why doesn't he get the message? I've made it pretty clear from forcing him out of my company to making him work with my attorney to not responding to his three times a day message... .I'm thinking of you this morning, i'm thinking of you this afternoon... .I'm thinking of you this evneing... .bla bla bla... while he still has a girlfriend... .he sends me "Happy Valentines' Day" are you ever going to speak to me... .bla bla... .Does he not get it... .I tezt him basically GOODBYE and GOODLUCK after he signed the work termination and release papers... .and he sends me back "Goodbye for now... ." ... .CRAZy... .What is that? I don't get it? Maybe I dont get the way they are wired... .someone please add some clarity?
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jointery
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« Reply #58 on: February 25, 2009, 08:05:38 AM »

Separated since February 15, 2008.  February 14 (Valentines Day 2008 was her split day... .)  She had just came out of the hospital after a 1 week stay for a mental break down.  After I had called her family and said she was having a relapse and I needed their help, she called them and and said that I had been beating her and her son... .  She also said that I was the reason for her breakdown.  In fear that she would put me in jail for doemstic violence (again), I moved out.  FYI, the charges were dropped in the initial DV case as 'no' violence (verbal or otherwise) had occurred.   

After moving out, I initially attempted to see my daughter who is now 18 mo (6 mo at the time I moved out).  Due to the ugliness, I eventually stopped interacting with her.  I have not seen my daughter in almost 10 months and will likely not see her for many years.  I just can't take the torment and threats from her mother... . 

This week I sent my stbx's family a couple of articles from this site along with an invitation to join.  As anticipated, without regard for my suggestion that they seek professional help, they told my stbx and the ugly emails started.  As a result I blocked her email and have had a new phone number for about a month.  NC seems to be helping me move on. 

Our divorce trial date is 4/3/09.  It is long overdue and I am anxious to get the final decree.  No real property just child support and visitation which has me a bit anxious.  About two weeks ago I had to release my attorney because I have no job.  I am optomistic that all will be ok and looking forward to moving forward.
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kly
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Gender: Female
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Posts: 1061


« Reply #59 on: February 25, 2009, 06:42:35 PM »

Broke-up with BPDbf October 2008 after briefly dating. I immediately went no contact.  He has continued to re-engage--to the point of stalking--since then. 

I have maintained NC.  Am documenting everything. 


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