Haha, yep I suspect there might have been a few plot twists since then. Would me amazing if everyone on these boards came back to give a 10-year update...

Okay, then you have an answer- you're no longer on hold waiting for her.  At least you now have some clarity and can begin to heal.  I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but at least you know that you're free to move on.

Welcome Brighter.  I'm going to say a few tough things here, but know that they're coming from a place of love.

First, your son is responsible for himself.  You are responsible for you.  This is his issue and it's easier to blame you than to deal with himself.  That's why every single person is here; they're being abused and guilted into feeling like someone else's problems are all our fault.  But that's not true...not even close.

Second, I don't know what kind of dad you were.  But if you're here and you made efforts back then, then you couldn't have been terrible.  You weren't perfect because none of us are, so forgive yourself.

Third, a therapist saying a kid needs a dad can mean many different things.  An out of control kid needs a father that leads with love, but also disciplines and teaches right from wrong.  Your son struggled to learn those lessons, like many BPD's that are discussed here.  That's not your fault.

Fourth, the thing about a dream of crying for months when he was four...unless there's an extreme backstory here, I would not accept that blame.  BPD's by nature are unstable and get incredibly sad when they don't get their way.  Was your kid sad because you didn't buy him a new bike or take him to Disney?  Or maybe you punished him for something he did.  I don't know that part of the story, but a returning dream to "explain" 50 years of bad behavior is complete bull.

Well, I confronted her on it and said I loved her .She explains she has no feelings for me and called the whole thing a day.

You can't look at it as the parts she means and the parts she doesn't mean...you'll never solve that equation.

Instead, accept that everything she says is true in the moment.  It might not be true 5 minutes from now, but right now it's true and she wants you to accept it.  The problem comes in when a BPD feels insecure and becomes unstable- then they say all sorts of random things (which are true in the moment) that might not make any sense. 

That's how you get one thing today and something completely different a day later.  It all depends on their emotional state when they say it.

So which half do you treat as the truth?  Honestly, none of it when they're unstable.  That's why you focus on the emotions instead and don't pay too much attention to the words.  Now, that's IMPOSSIBLE with texting...which is why I said to see her face to face or at least have a phone call. 

If she's sad, give support and comfort.  If she's angry, calm her down.  If she's scared, make her feel safe.  The emotions are 100% true every time...the words coming from the emotions, not so much.

I hope that helps!

Hi,

This will be long and I don't know where to start but basically what I want to ask is, whether a person that I was together with is a narcissist or not. He is clearly not a full/typical narcisst as I easily spot those at first sight but I think he may be on the narcissistic spectrum. I am wondering what other people will think about him, so that I can decide whether I should get back with him or not because I don't think I can be objective.

I am a 42 years old trans woman and he is a 44 years old bisexual male. We are from Turkiye. When we met, I was just looking for people to chat with online on a lgbt app called hornet and we started talking like all day, any time we were free. It was very fun for both of us. After doing that for 2 weeks, we had sex. Although we used words like lover, couple etc, we never regarded the relationship as serious. I already told him that I'm not monogamous and he isn't either. However there were problems. I think he may be a sex addict, which is not a problem in itself for me. But he kept showing me naked photos of other people that he is talking to have sex with. I didn't see this as a big deal and it finally ended. He kept having sex with other people, which is also not a problem for me but there were other problems.

We decided to take a photo of ourselves with my head on his lap and we decided to make it a profile photo on both of our Hornet (lgbt app) accounts. We censored our faces. This let to him talking about me with other people and telling lies like we being together for 2 years (it wasn't even 2 months). He never had any bad intentions and didn't hide the lies from me but I think he told these lies to gratify his ego. For example the reason he told someone that we've been together for 2 years is to make him look like a good partner, since someone that he finds attractive has been having sex with him for 2 years. He doesn't consider those people as friends though. He says he doesn't consider those as lies because he is just fooling around (talking) with people that he doesn't care about. He says he wouldn't like to me and never told me any serious lies. A few times he told me minor lies and the reason was always his ego.

We never did a fantasy sex as master - slave (we were going to if we didn't break up) but we took some photos as if we did, with me having a collar and him holding the leash. He put that photo to his Hornet private photos also, with my permission. While I think him desiring a master - slave fantasy (him as the master) can be an indication that he is a narcissist who likes power, most people who do those fantasies aren't narcissists. I've never been a slave but I've been a mistress to two guys who wanted to be slaves and I don't think I'm a narcissist. I have Borderline Personality Disorder which shares some traits though. I also have Asperger's (mild autism) which makes me socially awkward due to weak social skills.

When I told him to stop telling people lies about me, he didn't think I was serious and he kept joking. So I told him to remove our photo from his profile, and he still didn't realize how upset I was, since we were talking by typing. He didn't remove it. This lead to an argument and even though he removed the photos in the end, I was very upset. So I told him that I don't want to meet in real life again but we can keep talking on the internet by typing. I told him that I don't know if this will change in the future or not. Basically I was leaving a door open. He didn't want to just keep talking on the internet, which was a surprise for me since I thought it was fun for both of us to talk all day about both sexual stuff and other things. In the end there was a misunderstanding which I won't go into since it's very long but I ended up blocking him from everywhere.

Later that day I realised that I missed him and wanted his love back. Because the main reason I liked being with him was not due to sex being good (it was good) or we talking all day. It was mainly because he was showing me love, mostly by buying gifts and doing whatever I request from him. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Asperger Syndrome. I think that is why the feeling of being loved affected me so much. With my mother and two older sisters, I can't even talk for 10 minutes peacefully since we disagree about everything so there is no feeling of love. Men I meet online show me love but that's basically just for sex. They don't really care about me. However he was buying me gifts and kept spending money for me, which made me feel loved and cared. This also makes me suspicious that he is not a narcissist since I've never heard of a narcissist who kept buying gifts to someone, despite not having lots of money. Also he helped me a little with my financial problems. By the way I also have daddy issues but he is too young for me to regard him as daddy (I am 42, he is 44).

Since I missed him and wanted to be loved again, I removed his block. He told me that he was also trying to contact me. We both apologised for the things that we said and decided to be together again. We both put the same profile photo (with my head on his lap) on the lgbt app Hornet again, where we talk to other people about many things for fun. He was also looking for sex there but I wasn't since I don't have desire for sex as much as he does. However there were still similar problems. Sometimes he would still lie to people about me, he would send my photos to people. For example I have a few 1 year old sex videos and I've sent them to him (my face was censored). Even though I told him not to send them to anyone, twice, he still did it when he wanted to prove to someone we both know when there was a photo from a video on my profile and that person thought my partner is that person, since they are both bald. I would have sent him a small section of my 25 minute sex video to send to that person, if he told me first. He didn't do it with bad intentions and he didn't hide it from me but he keeps doing things like that which bother me. He would almost never lie to me about anything serious and he wasn't trying to keep it a secret when he told people lies about me or sent my photos. I gave permission to send my photos when people he talks to are curious about me, but he just didn't understand what upsets me, like my photos being mixed with lies.

Since I told him that I've never had group sex with 2 guys despite being curious, he said we can try that. He has a bisexual male friend that he has been friends with for 25 years. We created a whatsapp group where the three of us were talking, sharing sexual photos etc. We were waiting for his friend to come to our city, in around 10 days. However at some point, he created a new Hornet account to just talk and make fun of people, pretending to be a young person etc. When he was doing that, he once again sent a naked photo of mine to someone (face not visible). He told me after he did that but that made me mad. While I'm ok with him sending my naked photos to people that he chats with, when they are curious about me, he knows that I don't like lies and he is sending my photo while pretending to be someone else. I have the same photo in the private photos section of my profile and if that person turned out to be someone I know, that would just create complications. He says I'm taking everything too seriously and making small stuff bigger. When I warn him, he says he won't do that thing again but he does something very similar instead. When I got mad at him because of what he did, I wrote that in the whatsapp group where his friend was, since that's where we were talking at the time. He got very upset that I wrote it where his friend can read. He started telling me to stop typing, he started writing things like "why don't you just understand" etc in the group. I think he wants his friend to see him as someone that I adore or love unconditionally, so he doesn't want that image of him being shuttered.

After that point, we just kept arguing about many things. I once again told him that I don't want to meet in real life again but we can keep talking online if he wants. Since he didn't want that, we broke up. The next day he wrote again, telling me that he wouldn't want me to feel lonely and feel bad so I can write to him if I want. But he still doesn't accept to just talk online without meeting. We had another argument and we decided to never talk again, this time for good. This was 10 days ago.

I know that he never had bad intentions and never lied to me about anything serious, but all the problems are due to 2 things. Either because he doesn't understand what would bother me about talking to other people on Hornet about me, in what context I don't want my photos to be sent etc (I'm ok with him sending my photos if they're just curious, with no lies being told), or because his ego gets hurt easily. For example I didn't actually say anything bad to him in the group in front of his friend, I just showed him that I'm upset about him sending my photo while pretending to be a made up person but this hurt his ego since he wants to project a certain image to his friend, with me never being upset at him because he is a good lover. He says he had an alcoholic father. He himself drinks an amount of alcohol equal to 3-4 beers every night before going to bed. He sleeps like 4 hours every night. I think he may have a fragile ego and that is why he keeps doing things like sending people my photos and being like "I've been PLEASE READing that for 2 years"(which is a lie), being offended when I say something negative to him in front of his friend in the whatsapp group etc. Also he does other things to gratify his ego. Like he pretends to have a huge dick and talks as if he does, says that it's as big as my biggest dildo, when in reality it's 5 cm smaller (his penis is around 15 cm at most and my dildo that he is referring to is 20 cm). Also when someone messages him on Hornet and they stop replying, he says things like "What happened? Is it too thick for you?" when in the photos or in reality his penis is clearly not thick. Also he makes bad daddy jokes and pretends that it's a very funny joke so I have to smile. Similar to a narcissist, I feel like I have to be careful not to hurt his fragile ego by telling him the truth but on the other hand, there are many positive sides to him. He works like 12 hours a day as a physical worker in a factory, and still talks to me while working, even though he can work less hours for less money at the same factory if he wants. He has an apprentice and I think that's why he can talk to me while working. He keeps spending money for me and buying gifts, he shows love and does many things for me. He tries to satisfy me in bed by doing almost whatever I want. He is a good person in general. But at the same time, his fragile ego gets in the way with many things. For example when we had some serious arguments, he told me that he will delete his Hornet account and stop using it, in order to punish himself for doing things that made me upset there. I knew that even if he was telling the truth about his plan, there is no way he would stop using Hornet. He is just having too much fun there. So I told him like 5 times to just remove my photos from his Hornet account, the last time we talked. He kept saying things like "why don't you understand, I'll delete my Hornet account later, I told you 5 times" etc. Of course I turned out to be right. It has been 10 days and he is usually online on Hornet. He didn't delete his account. He deleted all my photos except two photos of us having sex together where only my butt is visible. I won't write to him about that since other people on Hornet that I talk to probably can't recognize me from those photos anyway. Also there are similar photos of him with like 5 other people where he is PLEASE READing them. I think this is a collection of him PLEASE READing bent over people, where he is showing off, like trophies. I forgot to write but while he can feel bad about some stuff due to his fragile ego, I can also feel very bad about minor things due to my Borderline Personality Disorder.

Also when I finally told him that I don't trust him with photos and videos anymore, he kept acting like I don't trust him in general. I tried explaining to him that even though I know he doesn't have bad intentions, he still does things with my photos and videos that annoy me, and that is why I can't trust him with that. But he still acts like I don't trust him in general, even though I explaned to him 4 times that they are not the same thing. For example you can tell someone that you don't trust them about beating Tiger Woods in golf. That doesn't mean you don't trust them in general. He just can't control himself about what he does with my photos and how he talks to other people about me.

I don't think I can look at the situation objective so I have two questions. Do you think that he is a narcissist and do you think that I should send a message to get back together? On one hand I talk to other men and I don't click with anyone else like I did with him, on the other hand I never had the same problems with other men. He has many positive and negative sides so I don't know what to do. I feel like other men can't make me feel loved and cared the way that he did, but at the same time they can't make me feel very bad the way that he did. Also when I miss him, I read our last arguments, and the things that he wrote seem so annoying and stupid to me. So I change my mind about contacting him. But then I miss him again and I need to read it again to change my mind again and not contact him. If he is not a narcissist, then maybe I should send a message to him and tell him that whenever we have a problem, it is because other people are involved, like him sending my photos to people, talking to people about me, us talking in front of his friend etc. There was never a problem when we were together or when we weren't talking about other people.

I sense the frustration and it is ok to be emotionally confused and frustrated.  I have been there!  So some feedback thoughts…

BPD is all about emotional dysregulation.  In my experience it 100% gets worse with little to no sleep, and definitely is worse after certain times at night.  It becomes harder for both of us to control our feelings when we are exhausted.  Also I am not in my “A” game mind of being able to respond correctly to her dysfunction if I am exhausted. 

Sooo… I have made a boundary that we don’t get into those discussions after a certain point at night.  I will happily discuss it in the morning, but nights always end badly.  It might be worth the investment in a respectful boundary.  That way you both get good sleep and don’t say stupid things.

Welcome,
No parent is perfect . Here is a link that may help.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=49127.0

While environment does play a part, there is evidence of internal, genetic factors as well.
Please write more here as you are able.  

In these cases, I would be lying if I said "you're right, that is unfair" or "you're right; you aren't being supported" or "of course, that makes sense" etc. It would be a case of validating the invalid. What I can validate is their negative feeling of unfairness or lack of support or whatever. But see the first post.

Pook075,
  Hey, I was going to write this long drawn out post trying to explain my position, but decided against it, because I think it has all been explained in my first two posts.

 The one text that still is running around in my head is the one where she said "All I do is give you PTSD even though I told you that half the things I text I don't really mean...Goodnight"

 so which half is it that she doesn't mean, the half where she says she loves me, or the half where she says she hates me.