Insightful post. Thank you.
Agreed that just b/c I’m open to wondering if NPD or other personality disorder traits are part of who I am—that this is not a clear answer that I don’t have these traits. And definitely agreed that I have my part in ending up with a romantic partner that has these challenging personality traits. I’ve come to realize my part in things and have done a lot of work on myself. I left her over 10 years ago so it’s been a journey. Because I have a child with her it allows her to keep seeking fuel. Which is exhausting and hurtful at times and a major Mind F at tines. And yep, narcissism is thrown around all the time these days and incorrectly so.
B/c of my own issues, I found this person alluring for a reason and participated and am responsible for my part. It doesn’t mean I’m deserving of how I was treated or continue to be treated. But I have to be honest and take responsibility for my part for committing to e relationship with her and having a child.
For me, I was not in a healthy place when I engaged in the relationship. I’ve had self esteem issues,, insecurities, feeling less than, co dependency stuff. Not healthy things for a romantic relationship or having healthy intimacy. Or daily living. And it felt good, selfishly, to help someone I thought needed it. That’s on me. And it made me a good target for her too. And my partner played the damsel in distress really well too. Not a healthy mix. And I played a part.
“Rescuing” someone can be indicative of narcissistic traits or at least some similar/overlapping. I don’t believe that I am narcissistic and have been told by professionals that I’m not. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t had unhealthy traits or even narcissistic qualities. There were reasons why we were attracted to each other.
From my end, I have done a ton of work on myself over the last 10 years and especially over the last 5 years. I have gained a ton of awareness and practicing being healthier spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. And I’ve learned to love myself and feel worthy and to seek healthy qualities in myself and my relationships. I don’t damaged. I seek healthy and am worthy of it.. And thank goodness for that. And I am grateful for it. .
It does suck to still have to deal with this person and their traits and their constant lashing out. It’s hard at times. But I can practice acceptance, forgiveness, and detached love and work on those daily.