Hi Ourworld,
Thank you for your words of encouragement!

My heart hurts for you that your daughter has blocked you for years. It’s breaking my heart that I’ve been given the silent treatment for just months at a time and I cannot imagine how hurtful it is for you that your daughter has been blocking you for such a long time. 

This is not the first time my son has gone silent so I have hope that he will eventually reach out, especially when he needs something. I know where he lives because I co-signed his apartment lease!

He told me late last year that he is in therapy and wanted me to speak with his therapist so I “could understand him more.” I spoke with her but don’t know if he’s still seeing her. I have read tons of books on how to respond to him and validate his feelings but I confess everything went out the window when he challenged me to remember how I abused him. Uggghhh.

He doesn’t respond to emails, only texts. I will probably break down and reach out to him at some point even if he ignores me. Something in my heart tells me he needs me to show I care.

I pray your daughter gets help and one day remembers how close you were when she was younger. I think we both know that until our child takes accountability for their own lives, they will continue the blame game. So sad.

I just wanted to say that I really empathise with all the emotions and feelings you're going through right now. That confusion and bewilderment and sense of betrayal, disgust with yourself and with him for the way you've been treated... and then the fear you'll still love them this much forever and won't find that level of love with anyone else... this almost obsessive thinking and ruminating over him and situation... how it played out, how it could have played out if you'd done things differently...

Right now you're probably in a bit of shock as well, and it's important to create a bit of space for yourself so that you can begin to process what will no doubt be many different tides of thoughts and emotions.

It is unfair that he treated you that way, and to some degree you were most definitely played... though to what degree of awareness he has of his part in this is not known, and that's the hard part... not getting any type of closure or admission that he treated you really badly.

But just be aware.. because this was your second time around... he may come around again. My ex and I had two solid attempts, and the second time we broke up we entered a really hectic stage of push/pull that really took me to my knees eventually. This is a good time to get into therapy and really look after yourself. If you can stay out of contact, you'll be better for it. I didn't... I couldn't seem to do it.. and I've paid the price.

I think I read somewhere that anger can be an activating emotion (don't 100% quote me on that -- I might not have remembered that exactly right). It gets you outward-focused, possibly threat-focused, energized, ready to point a firehose or a laser or something at... something. Maybe ready to fight and/or escape?

Some people describe anger, as general activation/readiness/protective energy, as different from rage, which takes a personal target and wishes to destroy it.

As you experience feeling so angry right now, what direction or action is it feeling like? Like -- running towards something? Away from something? Battling/subduing something? Escaping and taking yourself to safety? Something else?

Welcome and hello 

What does the current co-parenting schedule look like? How old is your stepchild? How long has your H been coparenting with her and how does she interact with you? How far away is the new state and what kind of arrangement does your H want?

Giving someone with BPD everything they want isn't likely to end well for the child 

When you mention BPD mom went ballistic, what does that look like for her? For example, text-bombing, screaming on the phone, showing up in person, refusing contact with the child, etc. Or all the above ...

There are some important variables when the courts get involved, including how high conflict BPD mom is. Bill Eddy of Splitting describes a high-conflict person (HCP) as someone who has a target of blame, recruits negative advocates, is a persuasive blamer, and has a personality disorder. Not all people with a personality disorder are high-conflict people, but all HCPs have a PD. HCPs are the people who take up a majority of resources in family law court so being in front of a judge seems to automatically raise suspicion that either one or both parents have a PD. Many of us have to work hard to present reasonable solutions with reasonable consequences (lawyers don't tend to do this without a client insisting on this).

In my experience, court kinda triggers HCP behaviors although some people here have such disordered ex partners that they can't quite get organized enough to follow through.

Something to be careful about is that if mom's alcohol abuse is bad, the courts may wonder why you aren't filing for full custody.

What did you find was lacking in the last lawyer?

Sorry for peppering you with questions. The details really help to get a sense of what things will look like for you.

She may well be saying this just to get a response out of you begging her to stay. My wife used to drop divorce threats on me all the time to get that type of response until I called her bluff (I am NOT advising that you do that.) I finally had gotten to the point where I said "If you want to get a divorce then you need to contact an attorney and file papers. I do not want a divorce, but if you file papers I will get an attorney of my own. We will then communicate only through our attorneys, but I will not speak with you any further about divorce going forward." That was the end of it.

WARNING - I only attempted this after I had extensively practiced setting and maintaining boundaries, using validation techniques, doing extensive research and reading on BPD (Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, etc.), spending lots of time on the boards here at BPDFamily, and going to months of therapy for myself. If you are just starting out on your journey to reclaim your life, take it slow and do a lot of research before you start doing anything drastic.

What boundaries did you set? How did she violate them? Are you familiar with the concept of an extinction burst?

HurtAndTired

My uBPDh has said all of the same things...tan lines (from when we went on vacation together) were apparently from me going to the pool with the 100s of apparent boyfriends that I have instead of going to work, bruises were from the apparent crazy sex that I was having with these 100s of apparent boyfriends, I could go on and on with the list that I have been accused of.  None of this is easy, but for me, the best thing has been to say to myself that this is his issue, not mine and know that that is true...and then go busy myself with something that I either need to do or I enjoy doing.  For me it is usually cleaning, playing a game with the kids or jumping on the trampoline with the kids, something that changes my focus off of him and my frustration.  I have learned that the second I allow myself to say a single word back during those times, all hell breaks loose!  He followed me for the first time or so that I did this, but since has left me alone, coming back a little while later to see if I will take the bait.  If I don't all eases a lot quicker than if I do take the bait...plus, the kids feel so much better if I don't.  As for vacations, I either leave the vacation planning up to him, with it all being in his name, so he will have to deal with it if he backs out at the last second or I plan a vacation that I am fine to go on just the kids and I.  I make it known that I want him to come, but plan it so that we will have fun no matter what is last minute decision is. 

Hi all, what a wonderful resource this, is I'm hoping for some gentle guidance from the community. I've just gone through a devastating and confusing breakup and my heartache over the circumstances led me to believe my ex likely has quiet BPD (mirroring, instant bond, 'soulmate' connection, he confessed that he doesn't know who he is and feels an emptiness inside).
We first met and went on 3 dates last year, then he sent me a message saying he wasn't in the right place for a relationship and blocked me (!)
He reached back out 4 months later with a love letter, profuse apologies, saying he acted that way because he was falling in love with me and it freaked him out.
This time around I set boundaries and communicated my needs consistently and without criticism, but after three very intense months, I got frustrated and fed up. He didn't seem to want to let me go, but he never changed his behavior to resolve the situation - specifically making/breaking plans last minute w/ no proactivity about setting up further plans. He reasoned that he had too much on his plate, and eventually revealed he was still emotionally supporting a long distance ex-girlfriend and that he couldn't people please everyone. Incensed, I told him I was leaving and not to contact me again this time. I was upset. I blocked him for 24hrs. In that time, he blocked me - phone and email.
Trying to piece together this emotional car crash has led me here - I experienced the mirroring, the intense soulmate-feeling connection, the dramatic declarations, and then the distance and seeming disinterest. Did I just fall in love with myself? Was he just saying things he thought I wanted to hear?
I hate that things ended so abruptly - that I blocked him and then he blocked me. I want to write him a handwritten letter to let him know what he meant to me, that I love him like a friend, and that I accept he isn't right for me romantically. I don't want him to feel I abandoned him. I don't expect a reply.
Is this a bad idea? Should I just leave the parting as it was - uncomfortable and abrupt?
It is healing for me to get my thoughts out in order for me to move forward. Thank you.

I forgot to clarify that she also acts like if she was in a relationship; Jealousy (tough she will never admit this), want to see me all the time, push pull dynamic all the jazz, which makes me get more attached. It' a cycle really

Thank you for validating the experience of everyone who is going through this Overwhelmed, I teared up at work reading this.

I am also going through a rough patch, but with a situationship.

For context I been "going out" with someone for about 8 months now. Friend of 10 years+. She was clear she did not want a relationship and only something casual (she is moving out the state in a year or 2 when she finishes her studies) and just got out of a nasty relationship. I get attached easily, but I can control my feelings as well. Whenever she senses i'm getting more attached she feels pressured and needs to have a "conversation". I pull back a bit to relieve the pressure, but then it triggers her avoidance / rejection traumas. When I said I don't want a relationship because of these points, and that I do not feel strong enough yet to be able to give my 100% to her, she sees this as me being a coward and just running away because things got hard (despite me staying there and supporting her constantly).

I went through multiple idolization / devaluation phases, which I can mostly regulate now, but the constant accusations are what's killing me. She knows I have good intentions, but still get's extremely mad and take things out of context. For example: She has severe body image issues. If I tell her she looks good, she will use my people pleasing tendencies against me and say I'm lying and jsut being nice. Or if I say I believe she will reach her goal, she sees this as me agreeing she's overweight (she's not). The constant walking on eggshells makes me want to not express myself anymore, which just creates another issue that I never speak up. I feel stuck, drained and utterly lost. I do not want to walk away, but she keeps pushing me to do so (typical of wBPD sufferers). I am constantly dreading that asserting myself may bring her harm, (suicidal ideations. not actively suicidal, but wish she was dead sort of thing).

I have difficulty expressing myself because it is always taking out of context to fit her narrative, yet if I don't speak up I'm hiding things. But I dread those negative feelings so much I panic just thinking about them. I cannot have a calm conversation when she's activated, because I absorb emotions like a sponge. I get pulled in her downward spiral and I start self loathing and "believing" what she says in the moment, and can take days or weeks to get back up form that. She is very self aware and feels disgusted at herself when it happens, and her approach is to tell me to "run for the hills" and save myself.

Here's a few things I really resonated with you:

-I self Isolated without realizing it (because if I don't see anyone, she can't make false accusations). Every time I actually go see a friend, she thinks it's suspicious, and when I don't she think's it's her fault.
-I am terribly terrified of conflicts and cave in instantly / over justify
-Taking time for myself bring me guilt and shame. This drain my energy greatly and I have none leftover for myself
-I can't talk to anyone because she think people will think she's a monster
-I lost my sense of self through people pleasing tendencies
-I am incapable of setting boundaries, let alone respect them
-I feel stuck between because of her suicidal ideations and asserting myself.

I absolutely love all the advice, but any of you have any for someone who is emotionally strong, but becomes incapacitated in the face of any conflict? I am seeing counseling for people pleasing behavior but real life experiences are so insightful.

Thanks

Thank you for the response, it is all helpful to hear and makes a lot of sense.

Right now it all feels so unfair. I feel stupid. I feel played. I feel like my feelings were taken advantage of. I feel like my kindness and love and time were used and then PLEASE READ on. I feel like I opened my heart and life to this person who knew he could never be what I needed and he went along with it anyway because he wanted validation and sex and someone to fill his time while he was lonely. The irony of it all is that all the cruel and irrational insults he threw at me are actually what describe him.
I know I shouldn't go too far in the blaming but I'm so angry right now. I'm angry at him and angry at myself that these things won't just sink in and make me stop loving him and wanting him. I feel ridiculous, and at the same time of recognizing all that still blame myself or wish I had known what would set him off. I feel hopeless in worrying that I'll always care for him and be hurt because of him and that I won't find someone I can love like him.