Dumped/abandoned by the love of my life [Part 3]

[pjstock42]

My final email seems to have been a very good idea. She sent a reply saying it would be her last contact and said she respected that I saw this to be the best path forward for myself. She even apologized for her lies and said that she can be a "gutless person" and that she was sorry that I had to be the victim of it.

I'm glad that she responded so quickly so that I can now move forward. I can't explain how good it feels to know that I am headed in the right direction even as much as it hurts to be dealing with the pain of this experience.
Mod Note- See also:
Part 2
Part 1

[drained1996]

From experience, there is a good chance she will contact you in the future.  You may want to block her email and phone to protect yourself.  By future, that may be 2 weeks, it may be years, but history tells me it's more than a possibility. 
Have you stumbled onto the Radical Acceptance lesson yet?

[drained1996]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

[rfriesen]

PJ,
It's been a big help for me also, to read your story as you go through these early stages. Thank you for sharing so openly.
It's good that you have confirmation that your decision was the right one, and that you feel certain of moving on and taking care of yourself. I've found it's been a long, slow process coming to a balanced view of my ex and I still feel my mind working on it, though thankfully with less and less spinning in circles. Like you, I held onto those moments, particularly near the end, when her dark side came through clearly - the callousness, selfishness, the lies, the lashing out and wanting to hurt me, the sudden change of moods - to settle the question in my mind, i.e. to know with certainty once and for all this person isn't for me and then to reshape my mental image of this person.
Often enough, memories will still flash of the great times we shared, the laughter and love, the pure carefree feeling of living absolutely in the moment with her. And that hurts and still shakes me sometimes. But never my decision - my decision to move on is made. And it's kind of amazing to look back over the last four months now and see how my picture of her has filled in. From seeing her as this gift of love with some painful flaws to seeing her as this cruel, incomprehensible, selfish monster ... .to bouncing back and forth between all kinds of emotions and different perspectives on our relationship ... .to now where I still have some moments of rage and see her in a very negative light and moments of love when I almost see her in that original perfect light, but overall see a person who came at me with a tremendous burst of love and who I shared amazing moments with but who can be horribly selfish and internally tormented and externally cold and who doesn't want any help to change at this point in life. It can be very hard with our exes to hold all sides of their personality together at once. That takes time and distance.

Basically, it's a hell of a painful process, but if you're sure of your decision and let yourself feel your emotions as you move forward, then you'll come to a more balanced view of your ex and the situation. I'm not saying at all that you'll view your ex the way I view mine -- after all, for all the similarities in some of their behaviour, they're completely different people. It's important just to let your emotions do their work and not be afraid to feel them. That way you won't be left with bitterness or fear to carry into future relationships (as in the red pill-ers, that world of wounded male horrors ... .if you don't know what I'm talking about, all the better), and you'll feel incredibly proud of yourself for having walked through all this with dignity and class. I hope this week is still looking up!

[pjstock42]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

This article is amazing, thank you so much for posting it. I feel like this came at the perfect time when I am mentally ready to practice acceptance whereas if i had read this a week or so ago, I probably would have stopped midway through because I wasn't there in my mind yet.

rfriesen, thank you for your insights on how you view your ex and the ups and downs that you go through in shifting that view. As I mentioned earlier, the recent email from her yesterday that was nothing but demonizing me and blaming me for everything that went wrong really helped me to change my image of my ex as well. Despite the good times, this was was always destined to happen with this person and nothing I could have done would have prevented it from happening eventually. Even though I wasn't the one to hurt her or to lie to her or to end things, I still did feel a bit bad reading her final message agreeing to go no contact. She sounded very defeated and down on herself, and it's tough to see someone who you care about feeling like that. However; I have to bring myself back to reality and remind myself that she caused this and even though I tried to fix it, it wasn't going to work. The article posted by drained explains these feelings very well in terms of wanting to solve a problem but if you can't, having to force yourself to accept reality because there is nothing you can do about it. Of course I wish that things had played out differently but it was beyond my control and I gave everything that I had to fixing the problem(s) but now I must practice acceptance and move on with my life, even though it isn't the ideal situation that I'd like to be in.

I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night so today has been rough but I can at least easily relate the difficulty of today to my lack of sleep and I definitely do not think it is the same 'drained' feeling from my mind running in circles all day anymore like it has been for the past couple of weeks so I am thankful for that. I hope your week is trending upwards as well, I look forward to staying in touch with you and reading your experiences as you are further along in this process than I am.

[pjstock42]

Definitely feeling the loneliness and general sense of being on my own tonight. Trying to not force it to be a bad thing but it's difficult to do so. It also probably doesn't help that I had 3/4 hours of sleep last night so I will probably get to bed soon.  I hope people don't mind me keeping this topic going but it has become a very peaceful and comfortable place for me if that makes any sense.

[drained1996]

Get some rest Pj, it's time to take care of you.  We are here anytime, but it's up to you... .to take care of you.

[pjstock42]

I don't know if this thought process that I am going through this morning is healthy or beneficial to my healing process but I just wanted to vent this out because it's definitely dominating my thoughts right now.

Basically, what I've done is try to envision a world where all of these same things happened but with the roles of my ex and I reversed. So let's say that I got into a relationship with a girl and things got really serious. I told her how much I loved her and how we would be married some day. I end up getting a job in some out of the way location and then convince her to move in with me and co-sign a lease at a place down the street from my new office. A month in, I get a job back in the city and out of nowhere, I tell her that I'm moving out and I don't want to be with her anymore. After she explains how much she means to me, I tell them that I will stay but I begin to secretly scheme a plan with my best friend, covertly texting him all day every day about how I'm going to get out of this. In the meanwhile, I'm spending all of my time with my girlfriend, telling them how happy I am and how much I love them. Eventually, my plan comes to fruition and hours after sending a sweet text to her about how I miss her, I have my friend drive down and help me move out while she is at work, notifying her of this through a simple text message. Eventually, she emails me and it devolves into me telling her how awful of a person she is, how she didn't treat me well etc. etc, never once saying that I had any hand in the relationship ending. I continue on with my life doing whatever I want, leaving her behind to figure out the jointly signed lease, pay the full rent and figure out moving once again.

I suppose this is where we are fundamentally different, or where I can assume that I don't suffer from BPD traits because there is absolutely no chance that I could do any of the aforementioned things and ever live with myself having that kind of guilt and remorse in my head. I'm basically just saying that I could never do the "grand finale" discard process and I may never figure out how someone could do so to me.

Again, not sure what the purpose of these thoughts is but it helps to type them out and read them over.

[Wize]

Hey pj. I hope your morning is going well.  I think a lot of us here appreciate you sharing your experience with this breakup with your pwBPD. Please continue to be open and honest with what you're going through. I can tell you that the shock wears off and the pain dulls.  And a very nice little bonus as you begin to move through your healing is an elevated sense of self, self esteem and self understanding.  Basically, these relationships and subsequent breakups force us to grow.  

I'm not done with my healing yet, I've got a ways to go but I can already feel the increased personal fortitude this experience has brought to me.  The longing and painful feelings do come rushing back to me in the evenings but my day is no longer dominated by thoughts of her and the associated pain.

You are doing the work, you're processing, you're feeling your emotions and letting them wash away, you are putting in the hard time and it will absolutely pay off.  I think you know that.  If not, you will very soon.  By not repressing these things that we feel, we are able to heal faster.  And don't forget; be kind to yourself, don't rush the process and understand that you're not going through this alone.  We are here for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey pj-

there is absolutely no chance that I could do any of the aforementioned things and ever live with myself having that kind of guilt and remorse in my head.

So take your reversed world vision a step further, and imagine you'd have not only guilt and remorse, but shame, the big one, in your head about everything, not just this event.  What would you do?  Well, constant, debilitating shame is impossible to live with, so assuming you decide to keep on living, you'd develop psychological tools that are so good the negative emotions just go away, you can't feel them.

So imagine that, imagine blaming someone for something that wasn't entirely their fault, maybe not their fault at all, we've all done it at some point, but we kind of know that even if they accept the blame, it was still kind of our fault.  Now imagine blaming someone for something, doesn't matter if it was their fault or not, but doing it so effectively that you literally can't feel any blame, any guilt, any shame.  Blissful yes?  And that's projection, only one of the tools, honed so well that they completely work.  And when someone can do that to that extreme we call it mental illness, so here's where your reversed world vision no longer applies, and if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder like that, yes, you are fundamentally different.

[pjstock42]

Hey pj-

there is absolutely no chance that I could do any of the aforementioned things and ever live with myself having that kind of guilt and remorse in my head.

So take your reversed world vision a step further, and imagine you'd have not only guilt and remorse, but shame, the big one, in your head about everything, not just this event.  What would you do?  Well, constant, debilitating shame is impossible to live with, so assuming you decide to keep on living, you'd develop psychological tools that are so good the negative emotions just go away, you can't feel them.

So imagine that, imagine blaming someone for something that wasn't entirely their fault, maybe not their fault at all, we've all done it at some point, but we kind of know that even if they accept the blame, it was still kind of our fault.  Now imagine blaming someone for something, doesn't matter if it was their fault or not, but doing it so effectively that you literally can't feel any blame, any guilt, any shame.  Blissful yes?  And that's projection, only one of the tools, honed so well that they completely work.  And when someone can do that to that extreme we call it mental illness, so here's where your reversed world vision no longer applies, and if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder like that, yes, you are fundamentally different.

Thank you for your explanation.

I suppose that a big part of this journey for me is looking inwards at myself and trying to understand how my life got to this point. It's easy for me to understand that I could never do what she did to anyone because I would not be able to live with myself. What is not easy to accept, is how did I fall so deeply into (what I thought was) love with someone who could do what she did so easily? I know there's my ignoring of the red flags that at the time I didn't realize were red flags at all. I know that manipulation and deception were skills of hers that she was immensely adept at. I know that I went into this with nothing but the best of intentions but I guess that is where I come into mental conflict again - how could I put so much into something that ultimately served no purpose other than to destroy me?

I know that I'm just thinking in circles here and it won't get me anywhere. Projection really is the key to this as you said and that is something that I have been trying to remember. All of the love, togetherness and compassion that I experienced with her - I know now that it wasn't real but I suppose I can be happy that it stemmed from me making it plainly obvious that all of these things were important and real to  me if that makes sense?

I really do feel like I'm detoxing from a powerful drug and it isn't easy. I've said this so many times but what continues to plague me is how the person that I thought I knew could so quickly and effortlessly become the person who has reduced me to being in constant mental anguish.

[fromheeltoheal]

I suppose that a big part of this journey for me is looking inwards at myself and trying to understand how my life got to this point.

Nice pj!  That's one of the steps to detachment, shifting the focus from her to you.  Another one is shifting the focus from the past to the future, although there is grieving to do, this is a significant loss, plus lessons to learn, the gift of the relationship.

What is not easy to accept, is how did I fall so deeply into (what I thought was) love with someone who could do what she did so easily?

Great question!  Most of us were blindsided by mental illness, something we may not have had any experience with and certainly weren't expecting, and that's that, something you weren't responsible for and can forgive yourself for pretty easily in that light, although the benefit comes from looking at our own behavior under stress and duress, or just not paying attention, to see what we can take from it that will benefit us moving forward.

I know that manipulation and deception were skills of hers that she was immensely adept at.

Because she has to be.  Think about someone who must attach to someone else to feel whole, to feel like they exist at all, but who feels so poorly about themselves that if they were open and honest you would surely leave.  Given those conditions, manipulation and deception are the only choices yes?

how could I put so much into something that ultimately served no purpose other than to destroy me?

Another great question, again letting yourself off the hook for not knowing she had a personality disorder, but taking what you need from the experience to make your future brighter.

All of the love, togetherness and compassion that I experienced with her - I know now that it wasn't real but I suppose I can be happy that it stemmed from me making it plainly obvious that all of these things were important and real to  me if that makes sense?

Yes it makes sense, and also know that you proved you're capable of it, and the key now is to learn whatever lessons are there, so some future healthy girl will get the benefit of a wiser you whose even more capable of those things.  Not everyone is, like people with personality disorders, although they fake it very well.

I really do feel like I'm detoxing from a powerful drug and it isn't easy.

Very common around here, and it's helpful to look at the difference between love and addiction, as we detach and grow.

[pjstock42]

I think that I have entered into the full throngs of straight up depression. Obviously this is self diagnosed based on nothing other than how I am feeling so keep that in mind.

I wouldn't say I feel hopeless but there is a bit of that. I miss her, a lot & I know that will take time to recover from. Basically, I am having almost the same thought patterns that I've been having since this happened but now instead of having manic highs and lows, I'm pretty much at a steady low. I haven't been breaking down and needing to cry or get away from people in lie in bed, the feelings come & I process them and basically just feel completely numb & dissociated from them. It kind of feels like nothing matters anymore, even though I know this to be untrue from a logical perspective.

Even though this isn't a fun feeling, I will definitely take it over the roller coaster that I've been on for the past couple weeks because it is at least predictable and stable. I feel like this is something that will be easier to climb out of eventually compared to the extreme highs and lows that I was experiencing all day before leveling out.

[drained1996]

Yes PJ, this is part of your journey.  Are you sure you're not a clinical psychologist?     I feel for you having to endure this process as it can prove debilitating for many, but you seem to be handling everything as well as can be expected.  When you pass me on the road to being a better you, grab my hand and pull me with you if you would... .

[pjstock42]

I wanted to mention one other thing in regards to the hurtful email that she sent a few days ago before instating NC in which she painted me as such a terrible person.

Without repeating part of my story again, I moved in with her to a place that she picked in a remote area far away from where I enjoyed living before and very far away from my place of work. This was of course because her new job was down the street from this place and I really wanted to do something to make her career transition go smoothly. Since I was 19 years old, I've always loved living downtown in a city and have done so up until this point. I enjoy being in the middle of things and being able to walk anywhere whenever I feel the need to. This place was anything but that and is a true "suburban" setting where the only way to get anywhere is by car.

Her first discard attempt, as I mentioned, came when she got another new job a month in (back in the city) and it was no longer convenient for her to live out in the suburbs. In the email that I spoke of to open this post, after telling me that I was too superficial, that I was a misogynist and that I sexually degraded her, she had the audacity to tell me that she "hated living in our new area" and that she "didn't feel alive". So basically, she picked the place, I moved there, she bolts with no warning and skirts the responsibility of the co-signed lease, leaving me behind to pick up the pieces and then she has the nerve to tell me that she didn't like the area that we lived in. Unbelievable.

This is another thing that has helped me begin to detach because it is just such an arrogant an uncaring way to talk to someone who you just screwed over massively. One of the video series I've been following on youtube talked about how it is common after the discard to endlessly stew over thoughts of "why don't they want me?" I did this and I suppose that I still am doing this to an extent but the youtube video went on to say, flip the question around - do you want them? I thought this was such a great way of explaining things because clearly I want nothing to do with a person who has it in them to treat someone like this. These kind of little things have been a big help through this process and I just wanted to share my thoughts on this.

[pjstock42]

double post sorry.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think that I have entered into the full throngs of straight up depression. Obviously this is self diagnosed based on nothing other than how I am feeling so keep that in mind.

I wouldn't say I feel hopeless but there is a bit of that. I miss her, a lot & I know that will take time to recover from. Basically, I am having almost the same thought patterns that I've been having since this happened but now instead of having manic highs and lows, I'm pretty much at a steady low. I haven't been breaking down and needing to cry or get away from people in lie in bed, the feelings come & I process them and basically just feel completely numb & dissociated from them. It kind of feels like nothing matters anymore, even though I know this to be untrue from a logical perspective.

Even though this isn't a fun feeling, I will definitely take it over the roller coaster that I've been on for the past couple weeks because it is at least predictable and stable. I feel like this is something that will be easier to climb out of eventually compared to the extreme highs and lows that I was experiencing all day before leveling out.

Feeling numb and dissociated is a normal reaction to the extreme highs and lows you were feeling; your body and psyche shut down a little bit to lend some stability to the proceedings, so you just don't feel anything, high or low.  All part of the grieving process, and the key is to keep feeling, as much as you can, the only way out is through, and being sad, but not debilitatingly sad, is part of healthy detachment.

Me, I entered that stage and thought I was done with her, that and my belief that it would take a few months to get over the relationship and I'd be back to my life.  Nope.  It took the better part of a year, and I confess I used a tried and true method to avoid feeling for part of that, I just ran really fast, fast enough to outrun the emotions so I didn't have to feel them.  Not recommended.  Waste of time.

[pjstock42]

heel,

I'm glad that this is a normal part of the process but I'm also sorry that it seems to be dragging on so long for you because I can already tell how much of a drag it is.

I did want to mention one thing in regards to a phase that I may have missed / unknowingly skipped? I've always heard that anger is a part of this process but throughout all of this I haven't felt or expressed any anger at her, at myself or at anyone. I'm not an angry/animated person so maybe this plays into it? I know logically that there are things that I should be angry about but not once have I punched a wall / wanted to send her a nasty message / want to plot revenge on her or anything. Is it possible that I missed this phase just because of who I am or is it possible that there is repressed anger building inside of me that could explode? The latter of those two cases scared me because I can't remember the last time I was genuinely mad about something other than inane stuff like sports... .

[drained1996]

 , that too will come with time, though being familiar with you and your situation I'm guessing any anger will be tempered/short lived if there is any at all... .though I'd lean towards expecting some.  You didn't have the push/pull and recycles many of us experienced... .your world was pretty much all good... .until it wasn't.  So while many of us have literally thousands of memories of bad times, you really only have a few.  This in no way is to downplay how you feel, as your end result is the same which is having your heart ripped out of your chest.  Your pwBPD cut your heart out with one swing of an axe, while a lot of us had our hearts cut out little by little by a spoon.  I hope that perspective makes sense, and I hope you understand I'm not trying to minimize your experience and say mine and others was worse, the paths to the same ending were just different.  I really wish an axe was involved in my path... .f***in spoon hurt!  Of course, I'd give her water, food, love, and compassion while she was digging the spoon in deeper.  Stupid me... .

[pjstock42]

, that too will come with time, though being familiar with you and your situation I'm guessing any anger will be tempered/short lived if there is any at all... .though I'd lean towards expecting some.  You didn't have the push/pull and recycles many of us experienced... .your world was pretty much all good... .until it wasn't.  So while many of us have literally thousands of memories of bad times, you really only have a few.  This in no way is to downplay how you feel, as your end result is the same which is having your heart ripped out of your chest.  Your pwBPD cut your heart out with one swing of an axe, while a lot of us had our hearts cut out little by little by a spoon.  I hope that perspective makes sense, and I hope you understand I'm not trying to minimize your experience and say mine and others was worse, the paths to the same ending were just different.  I really wish an axe was involved in my path... .f***in spoon hurt!  Of course, I'd give her water, food, love, and compassion while she was digging the spoon in deeper.  Stupid me... .

This makes total sense and I don't see it as minimizing my situation at all.

I again remain so grateful to have found all of these resources when I did because it made me clearly reject all of the post-discard attempts of my ex to want to "meet up" or "stay in touch". If I didn't have all of these resources and knowledge, I probably would have jumped at the chance to see her again and it would have only hurt me more in the long run. I'm sorry you had to go through that push/pull recycle phase as I'm sure it was incredibly painful and dragged out the misery much longer.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi pj-

I'm glad that this is a normal part of the process but I'm also sorry that it seems to be dragging on so long for you because I can already tell how much of a drag it is.

That was years ago for me; I was with her about a year and it took about a year to get over it, a pretty common timeframe around here, although there are no rules for that, it takes what it takes.  Only part of that was about her though, most of it was me dealing with things I'd been avoiding and/or in denial about forever, with the resulting personal growth being the gift of the relationship.  That all started once the fog cleared and I had some major What the heck moments, like what the hell was I doing?  The answer is long... .

I've always heard that anger is a part of this process but throughout all of this I haven't felt or expressed any anger at her, at myself or at anyone. I'm not an angry/animated person so maybe this plays into it? I know logically that there are things that I should be angry about but not once have I punched a wall / wanted to send her a nasty message / want to plot revenge on her or anything. Is it possible that I missed this phase just because of who I am or is it possible that there is repressed anger building inside of me that could explode? The latter of those two cases scared me because I can't remember the last time I was genuinely mad about something other than inane stuff like sports... .

The stages of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, not necessarily in that order, for me anger came at the end.  Not necessary to get hung up on it, maybe you'll get pissed, maybe you won't, the point being to just feel whatever you're feeling, don't block or suppress anything, and anything you have been repressing will bubble up if you let it.  I'd been repressing anger for a long time, and when I finally got pissed off at my ex, after I'd left her, it kind of unplugged a cork and I got angry at everything for a while.  Fine really, some people are full of sht and need to be told so, but it's tempered with time, and sometimes anger is an appropriate response, especially towards folks who insist on busting boundaries, for example.

There's also the detachment steps over there ------------>
that you might find useful; I'd say you're somewhere between 1 and 2 right now.

[pjstock42]

Thanks heel.

A year seems like such a long time to go through this... .My relationship was about 1.5 years and I can't imagine myself struggling with this for so long. Not because I'm arguing that it takes however  much time is needed but mostly because I just don't want to be miserable for that long hah.

Did you find that re-engaging/recycling really made everything drag on for much longer?

When I try to think positively about it, I'm actually incredibly lucky for this to have happened when it did. I do believe in God and I honestly think that he caused this in my life to avoid even worse pain down the road. She has done this in every relationship that she's ever been in and she's in her 30's, if she hadn't done it now - she would have done it eventually when things would be more complex. I can only imagine going through this when you not only have multiple years put into the person but also stuff such as a house and god forbid, children.

I am inspired by the self growth that you mentioned growing through and I'm very excited to see what my results are from this process in terms of personal maturity. I've looked at those detachment steps on the side here many times, I can't explain how heavenly #5 sounds but I am a long way away from achieving that.

[fromheeltoheal]

Did you find that re-engaging/recycling really made everything drag on for much longer?

No, when I was done I was done, no recycles, and she stopped trying to contact me after about 9 months.

When I try to think positively about it, I'm actually incredibly lucky for this to have happened when it did. I do believe in God and I honestly think that he caused this in my life to avoid even worse pain down the road.

There you go, whatever belief system you subscribe to, when we find positivity within that system we're on the right track.

She has done this in every relationship that she's ever been in and she's in her 30's,

So that was a red flag yes?  How did you make that OK at the time?

I am inspired by the self growth that you mentioned growing through and I'm very excited to see what my results are from this process in terms of personal maturity. I've looked at those detachment steps on the side here many times, I can't explain how heavenly #5 sounds but I am a long way away from achieving that.

One foot in front of the other my friend, and make sure you feel everything... .

[pjstock42]

Oh man, your question about how did I make that red flag ok at the time... .

I am going to sound like a complete moron here but I legitimately bought every story she had about her exes and why things ended and took her side about all of them. I literally believed that she was some kind of victim in all of these instances and (facepalm) I believed that what we had was different because we were "really in love" and "meant for each other"... .

Yikes this is embarrassing to admit but that is the actual thought pattern that I had at the time, what a fool I was.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am going to sound like a complete moron here but I legitimately bought every story she had about her exes and why things ended and took her side about all of them. I literally believed that she was some kind of victim in all of these instances and (facepalm) I believed that what we had was different because we were "really in love" and "meant for each other"... .

Yikes this is embarrassing to admit but that is the actual thought pattern that I had at the time, what a fool I was.

Well, first cut yourself some slack, borderlines absolutely MUST attach, and playing victim, oh poor her, all those mean men, is a great way to elicit sympathy, while also convincing you it will be different with you, all part of the mirroring and attachment process.

And then, you didn't feel like a fool at the time, so there's the personal growth happening.  Rejoice!

[rfriesen]

Oh man, your question about how did I make that red flag ok at the time... .

I am going to sound like a complete moron here but I legitimately bought every story she had about her exes and why things ended and took her side about all of them. I literally believed that she was some kind of victim in all of these instances and (facepalm) I believed that what we had was different because we were "really in love" and "meant for each other"... .

Yikes this is embarrassing to admit but that is the actual thought pattern that I had at the time, what a fool I was.

To paraphrase your own words, oh man, can I relate to your feelings, PJ. What took me a long time to wrap my mind around -- and I'm still working on it -- is that my ex also legitimately believed that she was a victim of her past relationships and that I was different. That's why she volunteered so much about her past cheating, about losing interest in every guy after 7-8 months, about how cruel and insulting she could be to them by the end. The expression "fools in love" has taken on a whole new meaning for me - or as my ex put it to me in an email a few weeks ago, "at this time last year we were stupidly in love". She's not lying, however brutal and incomprehensible her subsequent behaviour may have seemed to me. And she wasn't lying all the times when, sobbing hysterically, she would say "I thought you were different. I thought you'd be the one to last." My ex was actually capable of deep, vulnerable sincerity. It's consistency she wasn't capable of. As soon as her sobbing fits were over, her defences would kick in and she had no interest in exploring how her behaviour contributed to our dysfunction. She wanted me to be the one to last, but she could not bring herself to do much of anything to help me be that guy.

So, yes, it's embarrassing. And I remember how for weeks my mind fought against letting me feel the full force of that embarrassment. This was the case with many emotions -- embarrassment, anger, bitterness, sadness, depression, ... .My mind would race around spinning out stories of how the relationship with my ex played out, as a way of deflecting the full force of feelings like embarrassment, feelings of "oh man, that's when I fell hard for that idea that I was different and would rise above it all like no other guy did or could." I would blame her expertise in manipulation, her ability to lie to my face, etc etc, all of which had a grain (or pound) of truth -- but really I was stopping myself from facing the fact that she was also very open, told me a lot of difficult truths, and I chose to believe I was different. I played my part there and, yes, accepting that came with a heaping dose of feeling embarrassed. The positive is, I'm now less scared to feel embarrassed in front of myself. I can see myself in that light, and still see myself as a whole person, the good and the bad. And often the good and the bad come together -- I'm embarrassed in part because I was naive and trusting. Those aren't bad things. I don't want to go into other relationships suspicious and guarded. But you can be sure that if I start seeing someone who tells me how she's cheated on everyone in the past, I'll have a few gentle questions to ask her whether she can help me understand what that was all about, and whether she's in a different place now (not just with a different person).

I am four months out from the final break-up and far, far from done processing the relationship. I went through at least two months of the deeply depressed feeling (months 2 and 3 after final break-up) and I still feel generally down most of the day. But have noticed definite momentum in the past month, not always steady, but I'm slowly gaining confidence that this progress is taking hold. Part of the turning point for me was committing to feeling fully, with as little deflecting as possible. My therapist helpfully and gently noted one day, "we all tell ourselves stories. It's ok, we have to. But they're just stories, and sometimes they get in the way." I kept trying to tell myself the story of my relationship with my ex -- the arc of it all, the reasons why it could never have worked, the reasons she was too messed up to have an adult relationship, the ways my mistakes and weaknesses weren't great but didn't make a real difference in the end, ... .on and on. Not that my stories were wrong and false. Just that my mind was spinning them out as a way to stop from feeling the full force of emotions I needed to process. And that's fine. You need that too. We also have our defence mechanisms and you can only process so much at once. And, like you, I'm not an angry person. Never explode in anger or even raise my voice at someone else. But after about three months, I started letting myself feel the anger I had. And I tried to connect it to very specific things my ex had done. It helped me sort out what I had genuine reason to be angry about from things that made me feel inadequate or lost or hurt or ... .other emotions that made more sense in response to specific aspects of the relationship. Letting myself feel anger was helpful in letting myself feel my whole range of emotions and connecting them to specific aspects of the relationship.

As I mentioned in another post, I've done my best to stop worrying about time. Time is your friend now. Take as much as you need and don't worry about it. Obviously easier said than done when you're being hit by painful emotions, or feelings of emptiness and depression. But I think you'll find over time that your mind will stop racing, you'll feel your emotions more fully, and slowly your energy and attention will once again become available for other things.

[rfriesen]

Your pwBPD cut your heart out with one swing of an axe, while a lot of us had our hearts cut out little by little by a spoon.  I hope that perspective makes sense, and I hope you understand I'm not trying to minimize your experience and say mine and others was worse, the paths to the same ending were just different.  I really wish an axe was involved in my path... .f***in spoon hurt!  Of course, I'd give her water, food, love, and compassion while she was digging the spoon in deeper.  Stupid me... .

Ha, this image with the spoon made me laugh! Thanks for that, drained - it sure helps to laugh at ourselves too, when we have the chance

"Cut out little by little by a spoon" is really a good description of the experience ... .

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It's crazy how similar some of the things you said are to what happened with my ex, like really eerily similar to an extreme degree... .

I agree that I played my part in everything but I'm also trying not to be too hard on myself because I went in with legitimately good intentions. Even though it was stupid of me to ignore the red flags, the image that she was projecting back at me was one of loyalty, togetherness, teamwork and general love - all of which I think came from her knowing that I wanted all of these things. I'm not trying to make myself sound like some kind of saint but I do believe that intentions play a huge role in everything and mine were definitely heartfelt and genuine whereas hers were fueled by manipulation and control.

The moments of deep sincerity thing happened to me almost exactly as it did to you. She would come to me and open up about something that had happened, cry in front of me and seemingly make herself so vulnerable. Yet after every instance of this, she would almost immediately become stone-faced and focused on blaming someone for the way that she felt rather than looking inwards and pondering how she may have had any role in how she was feeling.

Reading up on the process of triangulation was a big help for me in understanding why certain things happened as they did. A few months in, she would come to me breaking down in tears almost every day about how controlling her sister was and how the relationship stressed her out so much yet I was never allowed to interact with her sister. In the end, the script was flipped and it was her sister who she was complaining to me about for reasons that were fabricated and never brought to my attention as they would be in any normal adult relationship.

I'm definitely doing the same thing that you did in terms of attempting to rationalize things through my understanding of her condition. At times it helps but I also know that it does suppress certain feelings that need to be worked out so I am trying to be better at fully experiencing those emotions even though it's not fun because otherwise they will stay stuck inside of me forever. It's honestly hard for me to imagine myself being angry/mad at anything but I'm hoping that if those emotions are inside of me somewhere, that I am able to experience them rather than hold on to them.

I really like what you said about time and as hard as it is for the emotional part of my brain to understand, it's true that I'm in no rush to do anything which is a good thing. I don't need to fully heal to 100% right now or at any specific point of time. I want a girlfriend again but I don't need to rush into something just to replace some void that was created by my mind in the first place.

Talking with you guys here is really so therapeutic for me, thank you so much for your continued input on this stuff - it means more than you realize.

[drained1996]

Hey PJ,

Have you made any inroads into finding a therapist?   
Thought you might like to read a little of Nutari's experience.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295859.0

[ICantFixHer]

how could I put so much into something that ultimately served no purpose other than to destroy me?

PJ, I thought about this quandary a whole lot during my isolation here in the mountains. Especially recently when the truth hit me, that the entire interaction was a sham designed by the exBPDgf to justify her abandonment issues.

You and I walked away, we are not anywhere near being destroyed. Confused, used and abused? Heck ya, but we're not destroyed. Just taken aback, shocked.

We are way, way smarter and stronger for this painful experience. I'm actually looking forward to when I start dating again because I am going to have a systematic plan in place from day one. Watch and ACKNOWLEDGE red flags is the 1st thing, then as we get to know each other, her childhood experience will be examined a bit, then her recent relationships. I am going to be a lot, lot more wary and careful who I invite to live in my home.

I really hope I meet a nice NON some day, it would be so gratifying to live the actual based-in-reality wonderful trusting life like the one the ex used to promise whenever I had doubts about her.

Dude, you are totally going to be fine, I know it. You know what's up, you can explain things now. That means you'll move on. Don't set time limits, in a few weeks, months, the memories will fade. So stoked we found this resource, and AMAZED this resource exists. Thank you bpdfamily!

[pjstock42]

I'm thinking about going out by myself tonight just to avoid another night of sitting in my empty apartment alone.

The problem with this, as lame as it may sound, is that in this small suburban area the only places for me to visit are the exact places that we used to go every Friday night. We used to have such a great routine on Friday nights and go to the same few restaurants and bars. I really associate places with people so I know it will be difficult for me to be there alone and I really don't want to have some kind of breakdown in public. Beyond my own headgames that I'll be playing on myself internally, thinking about where we used to sit, how much fun we used to have etc. I'm also worried that bar staff will ask where she is and as minor as that sounds, I know it will really hurt me.

I mentioned before how I haven't really felt anger in this process but I suppose that I am feeling a bit right now, although it's hard to tell if it's more resentment or just general sadness. It just bothers me so much that I moved out here for her, told her to her face that her leaving me behind here would be the most depressing thing I could imagine and then that is exactly what she does after swearing to me that she wouldn't. Now she is frolicking around the city probably hooking up with numerous guys and doing whatever she wants meanwhile I am left behind here at this apartment that she chose to pick up the pieces. The only stores/restaurants/bars etc. that I have available to me are the places that we used to go together, I have to face that every day whereas she just completely skipped out on having to face up to any of the fallout created by her decisions.

I think this is just my mind spinning in circles again and I apologize for the venting. I miss that facade of a person so much and I can't seem to get them out of my head no matter how hard I try. Every night for the past week, I've been able to sleep for a few hours but then I wake up and I'm instantly thinking about her which leads me to lying in bed for hours until I need to wake up doing nothing but thinking about her and it's driving me crazy.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, time to get out man.  Part of detaching is taking our power back, and IMO not only should you not avoid those places, you should go to each of them on purpose and with intention.  The first time may be a little sketchy, but the second time you will have already been there without her, so it will get easier.  And more importantly, you'll start to make new memories, meet new people, build a life for yourself post-her, and the good news about that is the hardest part is at the beginning, it only gets easier.

[pjstock42]

I came to the same bar that we started every Friday night at and I don't know if it was a good idea.

Part of me is happy that I faced the fear of this head on but I'm really having a hard time keeping it together and I feel like such an idiot.

I guess in my head I would have regretted it more if I didn't come because then I would be blacklisting places in my own neighborhood due only to the control of a person who doesn't exist in my life anymore? Still though, I feel like a mess right now on the inside.

[rfriesen]

I hear you, PJ. But let yourself feel that way, as miserable as it is. I know it's awful when you have to try to be social at the same time, while it's quicksand and misery on the inside. But if that's how it feels right now, so be it. What's the worst that can happen? Your world will fall apart? Well, that's already happened, hasn't it? And as horrible as that feels right now, when you come through it, you'll feel that much stronger because you'll realize that you don't have to fight off or suppress uncomfortable feelings when they hit you. You'll already know what it's like to deal with the lowest of feelings, you'll know yourself and your emotional make-up a million times better, you'll have let go of trying to defend yourself against your own emotional reaction to situations ... .you'll have worked through a lot of fear and anxiety. The flip side of these lows now is a tremendous increase in confidence on the other end, just knowing that you've seen some of the worst emotions your psyche can throw at you and you'll have worked through them.

Doesn't help much now, I know. Just remind yourself that you don't owe yourself or anyone else an easy fix right now. Don't let the anxiety trick you into thinking you have to do anything about it. You're free to feel miserable right now, and you will get through it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Part of me is happy that I faced the fear of this head on but I'm really having a hard time keeping it together and I feel like such an idiot.

Good for you for going, I'm assuming you're there right now?  Idiot may not be the best label, how about newly single person grieving the loss of a significant relationship, and putting one foot in front of the other best he can?  And tomorrow, maybe the supermarket, a bar is a pretty big step, and it goes without saying, watch the booze, that won't help.  But a conversation or two with folks completely removed from your situation will probably be a good focus shift.  Enjoy yourself!

[pjstock42]

I'm back home now. That whole experience was pretty painful but also freeing in some kind of way. I can't say I had a "good" time but I am glad that I went and did my own thing because I'm back home and the world isn't over. I really think the worst thing I could have done was blacklist myself from all of these places that I like just because of her so even though this wasn't easy, I feel as though I proved some kind of small victory to myself if that makes any sense.

rfriesen, what you said makes total sense. I went from an incredibly emotionally stable person to someone on a constant roller coaster because of this and I already can't imagine anything ever rattling me as much as this did. It's in a way comforting to know that I have faced the worst of the worst and that even though I'm not there yet, I will get through it and will continue on with my life. I'm definitely looking forward to this "confidence increase" and as unrealistic as it seems right now, I do have faith that I'll get there eventually.

heel, I've actually already done the grocery store, the pharmacy etc. The bars were the biggest obstacle for me because of all the good times that we shared there but at least that's out of the way now. Still a long way to go for me but I really do feel like you guys have helped me get on the right path and I can't thank you enough for that.

[drained1996]

We're proud of you for facing some of your fears and stepping outside of your comfort zone. Your ability to process all of this is very impressive.  I assume all of us that have followed your story will agree that adding a very qualified therapist to your situation will significantly benefit you and your well being.  Yes, I'll now be your mom 

[pjstock42]

We're proud of you for facing some of your fears and stepping outside of your comfort zone. Your ability to process all of this is very impressive.  I assume all of us that have followed your story will agree that adding a very qualified therapist to your situation will significantly benefit you and your well being.  Yes, I'll now be your mom 

The topic of therapy is something that I have some very specific viewpoints on that I don't want to get into here. PM me if you'd like to talk about that, not something that I want to discuss in a public forum to be honest.

[rfriesen]

So glad to hear you're feeling good about the night overall!

Yes, I know exactly what you mean about going from being an incredibly stable person to being on a constant roller coaster. I fought it for so long after the final break-up, as though I was going to be able to impose stability on myself through sheer force of will. Ultimately, it was just too exhausting. Once you let go, you feel vulnerable to big waves of emotion. But then, like you say, eventually they pass, you realise you're fine and have already been through the worst. And each time that happens, you gain a little more confidence that you can deal with difficult emotions, that you don't have to fight them off. And that also frees you up to observe how your mind does try to fight them, to tell you either that you're not really feeling that bad or that it's justified because of x, y, or z, or sometimes just the opposite - your mind builds things up to be so much worse than they are. And once you get used to observing your mind do its thing, it eventually does that more quietly. Learning that I can just let my feelings be without getting so caught up in how my mind tries to spin them or justify them or deflect them ... .was a big, helpful step for me.

I'm working on carrying that perspective through, so that in the future I can enjoy emotional stability, but not feel overly anxious if something threatens that stability. I think this whole process will make us all much more comfortable in our own skin, ultimately. It really is liberating once you decide, hey I'm just not going to fight my emotions. If I have to carry on with my day while feeling like a mess inside, so be it, I'll muddle through. It gives you a lot of power back to realise that your emotions are just, well, emotions. And once we feel solid again, we'll appreciate it all the more.

[pjstock42]

I think one of the biggest issues at play stems from myself and how I've always placed stability in the hands of others rather than my own.

As I mentioned, I'm 28 and I've had a girlfriend basically every day of my life minus a month or so since I was 19. It comes from a good place, I genuinely do get a great sense of fulfillment from being with a committed partner, helping them, taking care of them etc. However; being in a sense 'codependent' for so long made is so that I never had any period in my adult life where I had to find stability from within. My longest relationship which was before this latest one was 6 years and she really was a great steward of my stability. Things weren't perfect, we had our differences and eventually things fell apart due to transitioning to a long distance relationship. This last go around with my BPD ex was the relationship that I've felt the most secure in, obviously this was misguided and I placed my stability in the hands of an incredibly unstable person but she really did such an amazing job at mirroring back to me everything that I want out of a relationship. I honestly lived every day facing every problem thinking that everything would be ok no matter what because I had that person in my life and they honestly did fill this role so well. Now that this artificial sense of stability is gone, I finally have to look inwards and develop it for myself which I've always known is something that I need to do, I just never imagined that I would face it under these circumstances.

I think that not only will learning how to be my own sense of stability be healthy for me, it will also be a good thing for whomever the next person is that I get romantically involved with because it really isn't a burden that I ever should have been putting on another person in the first place. That was my security blanket, the thing that made everything else ok, so to have it stripped away is definitely traumatizing but I know that in the end I'll be better for it. I still want to have a girlfriend but I do understand that there is no rush and the best part about all of this is that I unequivocally know that this last person is not someone that I want in my life at all so I don't need to worry about trying to go back to them.

[rfriesen]

but she really did such an amazing job at mirroring back to me everything that I want out of a relationship.

This is such a key insight and, again, I'm amazed at how quickly you seem to be processing it all. It took me a long time before this point really sank in for me. And it also made me appreciate the impossible position my ex was in. I'm not saying you need to draw the same conclusions, and I also do still have some anger towards my ex, but I can see that she was working so hard to project back at me everything I wanted out of the relationship -- her knowing on the inside that she couldn't maintain that stable projection indefinitely must have been an incredible source of anxiety for her. She was trying to be everything I wanted, while constantly worrying the facade was going to crumble.

As for our own stability, one big lesson that I'm still processing is that I shouldn't look for stability at the level of my momentary feelings and emotions. Like you, PJ, I've always felt very emotionally stable and probably I didn't have enough compassion for people close to me (I'm thinking of my sister, in particular, who is extremely emotionally volatile) who would sometimes lash out or collapse in tears or undermine those who love them. I couldn't imagine what would make someone behave like that other than sheer cruelty. But I think I was always viewing the world from the perspective of someone who's always been emotionally stable, never had my inner emotional world rocked to the core.

Now, I'm not saying I want to start lashing out or falling apart emotionally. That's not me, and I have a lifetime of stability to draw on. But going through this break-up and experiencing what it's like to have the bottom fall out emotionally ... .I can only imagine what it's like to constantly go through cycles of that, without having a lifetime (or any extended periods) of stability to draw on. So I can empathise with my ex a lot more now, but I still would never want to make myself vulnerable to that kind of chaos again. I want a healthy, more mature connection.

And part of the work on myself now is to realise I put too much weight on my moment-to-moment emotional state. Because I was so used to feeling emotionally stable, I panicked when that disappeared. When my ex's behaviour made me lose the feeling of emotionally stability, I became desperate to fix that and, in hindsight, I see that I was flailing around desperately trying to secure that feeling of stability and even-keel again. One of the biggest lessons for me now is not to lose sight of healthy behaviour, even when the emotions are out of whack. It's a little different for you because your ex left so suddenly. But when the turmoil really started with my ex, I focused way too much on doing whatever I could to soothe her pain and to reassure her of my love, and also to regain the feeling that I was the best in her eyes. That focus on fixing emotions in the short term made me lose all sight of what makes for healthy, normal behaviour in the long term.

Maybe there was a touch of that for you too, in terms of dismissing potential red flags? I know I was so focused on how amazing things felt with my ex at the beginning of our relationship, that I completely ignored behaviour and comments that should probably have worried me enough to ask about them and be a bit more observant - both of my ex and myself, in terms of how we actually behaved.

If we've always lived in a state of inner emotional stability, we've never had too much reason to step back from that feeling and realise that, in the long run, it's the things we say and do (our patterns of behaviour) that matter much more than how we feel in the moment. And I think our behaviour is, in the long run, the key to our emotional stability, not the other way round. Of course, it's easier to act the way we want when we feel stable. But the key is that we can control our actions more easily than our feelings - so we can use the former to create a stable foundation for the latter more effectively than the other way round. This experience has taught me not to panic or lose sight of what really matters to me in the long run, just because my sense of emotional stability escapes me in the short run. Or, at least, that's something I'm trying to learn from this experience.

[pjstock42]

Your point about behavior invoking emotional stability and not the other way around is very well put and I can say that I agree even though I've never thought of it this way. This makes a lot of sense when applied to my ex as well because her behavior was radically unstable and I'm sure that played a role in perpetual emotional instability as well.

In terms of the red flags, I've spent a lot of time ruminating about this and how I so blatantly let things slide throughout the relationship, especially in the beginning during the love bombing phase. There are numerous things she told me about her prior relationships/experiences that if I had read these pieces of information on an online dating profile, I would have moved on almost instantly. Yet for some reason, I pushed all of these things aside and believed that this was something that was truly meant to be, as stupid as that sounds. It's a bit creepy because she told me flat out about at least 2 prior relationships where she was living with a guy and moved out without warning, so exactly what she did to me. At the time, I just blindly believed her version of events, thought that it must have been a warranted action and didn't ever once think that it's something that could happen to me - needless to say I was quite wrong on that one.

Stuff like that is obviously what I will primarily take away from this experience and I'm now full to the brim with knowledge that should prevent me from ever bending my boundaries and ignoring these red flags with someone again in the future.

When you mention the "trying to make everything ok" phase, I did have that as well although it was short lived. After her initial discard attempt, I didn't believe it was real and thought it was just an elaborate threat, that there were things I was doing that I could change to make things better. For those next 2 months, I changed so much about my every day life trying to accommodate this person and give them everything that they needed or at least, that they were telling me that they needed. This led to that final stage of "everything being great" and her always talking about how happy she was, all while she was covertly planning to leave me without warning and even lying to my face about doing this.

Again back to her "painting me to black" email, she had so many petty things to complain about that were never brought up to my face. Complaints about how I didn't spend enough time with her or do enough nice things with her, despite the fact that we spent all of our time together and I was constantly doing nice things for her to the point that she would always say "you're so good to me". It seemed like she was really making it a point to put the blame on me 100% and make it seem as if I had taken her to a nice dinner just one more time or come home with flows one more time, that none of this would have happened. I allowed myself to believe this for a few days but I now know that no amount of nice gestures would have prevented this from happening, it was beyond my control and I just have to accept that.

I am definitely trying to follow in your footsteps in terms of allowing my emotions to work themselves out. I already feel much more stable than I have in the past few weeks but it's difficult to know if that's because I'm really healing or if I've just become numb to everything.

[pjstock42]

I had my first real "setback" day yesterday and it was not fun. I had been trending upwards in the right direction for the past week or so but it all came crashing down last night. I knew that this would probably happen at some point so I just took myself to bed, laid down and let everything out as best that I could.

I think the overload of research that I've done and the amount of time I've spent rationalizing with my logical brain about how this is a good thing in the long run had taken a bit out of me and probably suppressed various emotional things that needed to come out at some point. Basically, I know that this would have happened eventually, I know that I don't want to be with someone who is capable of lying to me so overtly and who used my vulnerabilities to destroy me, all of this makes sense in my logical brain.

Yet last night, it was the emotional side that won over. I had to lay down and admit to myself that no matter how much I tell myself this is for the best, that I miss her so much. I loved her, I loved every minute spent with her and I would have done anything for that person for the rest of my life without question. It's tough to admit all of this stuff because it goes directly against all of the programming that I've been doing with my logical brain in terms of accepting what's happened and knowing that I can't change it. I'm thinking that because I was on such a radical emotional high for so long because of this person, it only makes sense that the lows resulting from her discard are going to be just as powerful. I'm glad that I was able to take a time out to cry and have a conversation with myself & I hope that facing my feelings will make this process better in the long run.

[rfriesen]

PJ, yes, I think the rational and logical part of you is clearly strong and has done everything possible in making sense of your situation. Don't underestimate the value of that. You will get caught up in the emotional storms that hit, but you'll have that self-awareness that helps you keep some perspective on how destructive the relationship was.

In a sense, you have the disadvantage of having gone through one single, unexpected discard. This may have saved you months or even years of your relationship disintegrating and her hurting you in various ways. But it also means you didn't have time to convince yourself, or to feel for yourself at a gut level, that the relationship was doomed. As things with my ex were falling apart, and I was trying to patch them up, I had those moments when I was able to step back and evaluate things and ask myself, "Is there any way I can live through this? The raging and the lying and manipulation ... .these aren't passing phases that will go away if I just do what she's asking right now." I had already started at least some of the work of processing the situation before the final break-up. And anytime that wave of longing and emotional doubt hits, I recall how every fresh attempt was just more anxiety ridden and destructive.

And still the break-up was excruciating for me to process. There will be set-backs, it's inevitable. As you say, to feel such emotional highs and to become so attached to another person ... .you simply cannot accept that on an emotional level in a short time frame, however much your logical brain has already accepted it. Let yourself feel the emotions when they come, especially if it's the weekend or some other time you can just let it happen. You can't rush it and you will benefit from letting go and accepting whatever feelings come. As I've mentioned before, this was a big step for me - just letting go of trying to control my emotions through my logic and letting go of the fear of accepting the whole situation, however much it hurt. And I don't mean it was a single step -- it's an ongoing process of letting go bit by bit.

Your emotions will keep hitting you with feelings of "what if? what if?" and "it can't really be possible that I'll never hold her again, never make everything right" and "if I could just re-live, just one more time, some of those highs with her", etc etc ... .and it's going to hurt. That's what attachment is, especially this deep attachment that goes to the core of our emotional self. At least that's part of what I feel I've learned. And, for me, the analogy to withdrawal made a lot of sense, even though I've never had a drug addiction. The process is a lot like what I imagined rehab feeling like. An excruciating longing for something I know is bad for me, but a longing I simply have to let myself feel because any attempt to dull it is just going to prolong the process.

Another possibly helpful analogy - my therapist compared it to vertigo. You walk close to the edge of a cliff and you get a nervous feeling like you might jump. (I don't actually get this feeling with heights, but for some reason I feel something similar if I'm on a boat far from land -- a sudden fear that I'm going to jump in the middle of the ocean.) You can know logically that you won't jump, but it takes time to overcome the fear, the anxiety, the nerves. Our relationships left us with deep emotional wounds, and it hurts a lot to approach those emotions. It still hurts me deeply if I call to mind some great memory with my ex and tell myself, "Yes, those were incredibly happy moments. I can appreciate them, but I accept that I'll never experience that kind of thing with her again." I say those words and my rational mind is firm, has been 100% on board for months now. But it's still like a punch in the gut emotionally. It's still a raw wound and I'm not able to rip the bandage off all at once.

We're going through something like that. I'm not sure whether the analogy is helpful, but it's just not possible for us to feel all the emotions at once and heal in a matter of days or weeks. But each time we get hit with a wave of emotions and those feelings of attachment, and each time we let ourselves feel it without turning away, we accept a little more. Eventually it feels less and less like some enormous emotional wound that we'll carry forever, and more like a manageable process.

Time, my friend, time. It's on your side, even if it sure as hell doesn't feel that way sometimes.

[drained1996]

"I think the overload of research that I've done and the amount of time I've spent rationalizing with my logical brain about how this is a good thing in the long run had taken a bit out of me and probably suppressed various emotional things that needed to come out at some point."

I think all that have followed this will agree you have a genius insight into this illness in such a short amount of time.  It might be time to allow your emotions to take place, and focus less on your education, and more on how you feel... .ie... some of the time you've been overloading on research may have gotten in the way of letting your feelings happen.  Let them happen, and when the emotion subsides... .you know your logical mind will access what you've encountered, and you already have enough tools to understand. 
You will be fine our friend, it will just take some time. 

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

Your posts make more and more sense with each passing day. Not that they were ever nonsensical but every day I get to a point of understanding this process a fraction better and all of the things that you have said apply directly to what I'm going through so thank you for your continued input.

The thing that is bothering me the most lately is sleeping. Every night, no matter how early I go to bed, I can sleep for a few hours off the bat but then I inevitably wake up and lie awake just thinking for the rest of the night. I've tried meditation techniques and other things to distract myself but it seems like 4/5 hours every night is dedicated to my mind racing and keeping me awake so that I feel horribly drained when I get out of bed the next day.

Drained,

I don't know if this sleep interruption stuff is part of me allowing my feelings to come out but I do know that I'm sick of it hah. I will definitely continue trying to spot myself when it seems like I am repressing feelings and do whatever I can to let them come out although that's difficult some times when I'm on the phone for work all day but I'll manage.

Last night's sleeplessness seemed to be focused on the subject of lying and how adept my ex was at it. Beyond the lying to me about her secret discard plan, there were many other connected things in those last few weeks that I asked her questions about and she just lied to me so easily right to my face. I remember that she had taken a blanket and a pillow to work and told me it was because her sister wanted them at the airbnb because she didn't trust the cleanliness of the bedding at those places. It wasn't a quick lie either, there was a whole story behind how her sister has always needed to have clean bedding blah blah blah like such an elaborate lie created just to keep me in the dark. What maybe hurt the most was how she was planning things with me for that next weekend even though she knew she would be gone by then. We had a lengthy conversation about where we were going to eat on that day when she came back, how we were going to take the neighbors dog for a walk, what we were going to watch on tv that evening. She got so deeply into planning this stuff while already knowing that she would be moving out without my knowledge days before this - I suppose this was gaslighting at it's finest and it really hurts in a way that is hard for me to explain.

I've also been researching the topic of "trauma bonding" lately and that has definitely hit home for me. It's very close to Stockholm Syndrome and I"m just glad that there are others who understand where I'm coming from.  A lot of guy friends say "just get over it man she's a crazy b*tch" etc. but I know that you guys understand how much deeper it goes than that. Basically, I really feel like the only person who understands my pain, that holds the key to alleviating my pain, is the one who actually caused it. Luckily I have been no contact and have no intentions of breaking that but I guess it's just another thing that has my mind constantly chasing itself in circles.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey pj-

I don't know if this sleep interruption stuff is part of me allowing my feelings to come out but I do know that I'm sick of it hah. I will definitely continue trying to spot myself when it seems like I am repressing feelings and do whatever I can to let them come out although that's difficult some times when I'm on the phone for work all day but I'll manage.

Insomnia is a symptom of depression, so maybe it's not your repressing feelings that is causing it, but you are feeling depressed, and that's how it's manifesting; maybe you're right where you're supposed to be.

I did that for months, 3:30 in the morning was the magic wake-up time apparently, and I'd get tired and go back to sleep in a couple of hours, but laying there stewing ain't fun, I can relate.

Things that helped were vigorous exercise the previous day, stopping ingesting caffeine by noon, and not eating after 5 or 6 p.m.  Also good to not just lie there, get up, and I decided after a while that if that's what's going to happen I was going to use it, so I'd read a book that was something empowering, something that was going to help me improve my life, that way it didn't feel like wasted time.

[pjstock42]

I thought I would share this video with you guys:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcE7eaoc17Y

This video gave me goosebumps in terms of how incredibly accurate she described everything that I went through, despite her use of "he" instead of being gender neutral which always bugs me a bit but the point stands.

While watching this, I felt as though someone was reading my life story in terms of the time spent with my ex, it gave me such an odd sense of validation to see it explained in a way that I could relate with so well.

Hope you guys find this video helpful.

[pjstock42]

Went on a date tonight with a girl I met on okcupid, admittedly it was probably too soon for this... .

It was an interesting experience though. It was nice to converse with a woman knowing that there is no history there, no emotional connection, no expectations. We talked for something like 3 hours and it was a really good conversation but the whole experience of having to "date" is just so weird to me and not something I thought I'd ever have to do again.

My first thoughts after leaving were comparing her to my ex BPD gf which again probably shows that this was too soon. The connection and intimacy that was fabricated by my ex was so intoxicating that any kind of romantic involvement with anyone else seems like it will pale in comparison. I think the biggest takeaway from this experience was that it was fun having good conversation with someone but that the wounds left by my ex are still very prevalent and preventing me from really connecting with another person. I found myself focusing my mental energy on nitpicking everything she said in the search of red flags / warning signs that I ignored with my ex and that obviously isn't a healthy way to approach a conversation with someone who you don't know.

I suspect that my subconscious has propped up a self-defense mechanism that will probably take a lot of time to break through, for better or for worse. I will probably back away from the dating scene for a bit because I don't think it's fair to put myself in this realm when my mind is still so focused on healing from the trauma caused by my BPD ex.

[rfriesen]

Sure, it was probably much too soon if you were expecting to be able to date without constant thoughts of your ex. But it's more than understandable, when you're in a lot of emotional turmoil, that you'd want to try something to find a little relief or just take your mind off things. I went on a few dates a couple of months after my final break-up and I don't regret them exactly. But I was still thinking of my ex a lot and I could see I was not going to find such an intense connection again. I decided to take some time to process why I still craved that intense connection. Even when times were great with my ex, I used to tell myself, "But I could never live like this. Not for any real length of time." We couldn't focus on anything but each other for the first several months together and things only got more intense once everything took a nasty turn.

I know your experience with your ex was different - sounds like you had a period of time living together when you felt you had found your perfect routine? I never had that with my ex -- during our best times, we were riding a high that I knew wasn't sustainable. I just thought it might settle down into a more stable routine. But then maybe we would have realised that what we loved so much about being together was really the manic highs? I don't know -- point is, for me, I realised I wanted to take some time to sort through all that before dating again. I would say that the few dates I went on after ending things with my ex, I wasn't so much looking for red flags in my dates, as constantly ruminating on what it was I was looking for and why I kept thinking of my ex and why the idea of finding that kind of manic high again actually turned me off so much.

Like I said, I don't regret the dates I went on. But I realised that I didn't want anything serious out of them and also that I wasn't particularly excited about the idea of casual hook-ups either. I'm sure the whole process of dating again is different for everyone, though. On the positive side, it could help you reflect more concretely on what you hope for in a new relationship, or even just from the dates themselves. I think I had always tended to get into relationships with a sense of, "well, I'll just see how it goes." Not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but with my ex it meant that I just kind of rode the emotional roller coaster going by the seat of my pants. Now, I'd like to take the opportunity to think seriously about what I want from life -- do I want a longterm relationship? marriage? kids? What kind of person would I see doing that with?

Of course, all that is also a function of where I am in life -- late 30s, never having thought too seriously about marriage or kids or a relationship that would last forever. So, even apart from the madness of this past relationship, it's probably a good time for serious reflection anyway. Good timing for me, I guess? Ha, have to look on the bright side of this somehow.

Anyway, I don't want to project all my issues onto you, but it's possible that you'll also find the whole experience gives you a chance for deeper reflection on what you're really looking for.

[pjstock42]

1 month "anniversary" today of the discard. It's honestly crazy to think of how a month has passed, some days I feel like I'm much further out from the event but at other times it's fresh enough to seem like it just happened yesterday.

I signed a lease for a new apartment and will be moving towards the end of August, definitely looking forward to leaving behind this apartment/neighborhood and all of the torturous memories that come with it. When I try to look at the positive side of things, I'm wondering if it was actually a good thing that I got left behind here and had to deal with the trauma of being alone in this empty apartment, going to the same stores/restaurants we went to etc. I'm wondering if that somehow helped to speed up the healing process even just a little bit because I was forced to face all of these things while moving forward with my life, whereas escaping them would have been repressing painful experiences that I would just have to deal with later.

Anyway, my new place is in an awesome neighborhood that I picked for myself, has all of the space/amenities that I want for myself with tons of good bars/stores etc. within a 5 minute walk, not to mention that my commute to/from work will be 1/3rd of what it is now. I'm really not looking forward to the hassle of moving again and I'm also still upset that my half of the security deposit is going to my ex and I'll never see it but I'm thinking of that as a fee to have this toxic drug removed from my life so I'll be OK.

It's very odd to look back at what's happened in my life over the last month and I must say that I almost feel dissociated from much of it at this point. I still can't believe that I altered so much of my life for another person & still can't believe that anyone could ever do what she did to me but at the same time, I've been forced to face a fear that I never thought I would have to deal with and I'm still alive and moving forward with life. I honestly feel like nothing could ever shake me to the core as much as this has and again trying to think of the positives, I suppose that this has caused me to prove to myself that I can face any challenging situation that life throws at me and still be able to move forward.

[Turkish]

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Mod Note- See also:
Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1