McLean Hospital uses DBT in their youth programs for BPD, PTSD, and suicidality. McLean is often considered as providing the gold standard of BPD care, so if they provide DBT, I would suspect some level of success. Check out their site and watch some of their patient videos when you get a chance.

The website dbtselfhelp.com has free online resources, though I'm not sure that they're specifically designed for teens. Could be worth a look.

Glad the validation is helpful. Like you, I took an NPD and BPD quiz, asked my therapist if I was either...and she specializes in narcissistic abuse. Of course she said no, you are very high in emotional IQ. We all wonder if it is us, both because of the crazy making and the accusations. Another bullseye hit on your part!

Magical thinking is as well, something I was accused of out of the blue. Her best friend is an astrologer, and she mocked me having The Secret book (I was just curious during its run in the headlines).

Kells mentions the reliance on email above, and that was my ex's preferred method of really getting at me too. And her ex-h as well. She loved to sit and craft and carefully argued and highly delusional account of things, and all the ways I wronged her.

Thank you for sharing. And I’m sorry for your situation as well. But you appear to be at peace with it too. And I appreciate that. I also appreciate what you are saying about keeping my own identity. I have felt like the giving tree to the point of just having a stump left. But those were choices I am responsible for. And she and her mom are responsible for their behaviors. I can’t control that and have to focus on my own well being and identity. I have got a breaking point and will be loving yet detached and enforcing healthy boundaries and lowering my expectations/not having any. Time to rely on Faith and surrendering to God’s plan and holding firm.

But mom is still together with step-dad...at least for appearances?  That's bizarre, why would step-dad be there and act so dad-like if she was with another guy?

And if mom is doing that while going through the home inspections, the reported violence, the potential custody stuff...wow.  It can't be a boyfriend, can it?

The boundaries that I keep repeating are “respect, kindness, and trust” in all communications on text or phone and in my house. And that these apply to me and to those I care about (family, girlfriend, friends etc). I’m trying to keep it super simple and applicable to how she treats me. I’ve also made it clear that unless it is an emergency, she cannot expect me to just drop everything at the last minute. She has had a habit of calling me over and over during work hours and then lashing out when I cannot answer her calls or texts immediately within minutes b/c I’m on work calls. She says “you don’t care about me. You’re a bad dad and you make up that you’re busy, etc”. I’ve reinforced that I cannot answer right away if I’m busy with work unless it is an emergency.

She’s asked for $ from other family members when she’s spent her allowance and I’ve communicated with her cousins father (my brother) and shut that down. I’ve had to let everyone know in my family what is going on, and boundaries I am enforcing to not allow for further abuse.

Most recently, she lashed out at me b/c I wouldn’t give her extra $ after she spent her allowance. And it spiraled into all sorts of demands for her birthday gifts—wanting a pool at my new house, 2 different pairs of limited edition Jordan shoes for over $1000 each,, a trampoline party, six flags with speed passes for her and her friends, a super expensive $500 hoodie and so on. She said if I didn’t give her what she wanted that she didn’t want to come for the weekend. I finally said nope, then don’t come and that you can’t be at my house unless you can be respectful, kind, and trustworthy. Which then turned into me being neglectful, cruel, abusive, an awful father, and denying her a home and making her feel unwanted by both her and her BPD mom. But I held the line. At my breaking point. Her BPD mom sent notes to my 77 year old mother saying she’s an awful mother and that I’m an awful father etc. And is telling anyone that will listen the same. Mind you, I’ve gone above and beyond for my daughter and her mom for almost 15 years.

In the past I’d finally give in. Not anymore.

 

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358382.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

It's really painful to be in a situation where you feel "forced" to watch a loved one (or former loved one) hurt, and there's nothing you can do about it. Feeling powerless in the face of these things happening to your ex must be excruciating. These are hard feelings to sit with.

Feeling powerless, impotent, or unable to effect control in a situation hits some buttons for me that go way back to childhood -- especially when the powerlessness is somehow connected to being "trapped" in the situation. It's one thing for me to feel like "I can't do anything about X, but I could walk away"; it's another level when I feel like "I can't do anything about X, but I'm stuck here watching this go down".

I wonder if any of that is going on for you, too? Is this hitting some old wounds, or is that off base?

What do you wish you could do, in an ideal world?

Hello BP140,

I was thinking about what you are going through and I must say that you MUST keep your own identity; if nothing else, for your own health! What goes on in the mind can seriously affect physical health, and then what use would you be.

Believe me I know first-hand how much it hurts to see someone go through this. My own high-functioning daughter, who is 38 now actually became embarrassed (I guess) and cut me off 11-15 years ago!

Recently I was given her current email address and got up enough nerve to write her. The email I sent was not gushy, just factual, I told her some things I realized and about the condition of the husband she left last summer. I was shocked that she wrote back more than just telling me not to contact her.

Her words were not kind, and she blamed me and the SIL for her own problems. But she wrote! So, she is slowly but surely getting better. Who knows if someday she will be healthy enough to re-connect with me, without just blaming.

The grieving is difficult, knowing now that she does seem to have a personality disorder. But I also know that she’ll be ok.

I will move on with my own life, as she would expect in her right mind. I am going overseas soon for long-term missionary work, but my email will always be there when she’s ready, plus she could always contact my brother or sister to reach me.

The main thing is that for our own sakes, we have to let go and trust on the foundation we built as we raised our children. And know and believe that they will find us again when they are in their right mind.

You know that mom and stepdad have poor judgment as to what is appropriate to do around children/teenagers so of course is it concerning whom they choose to associate with.

Hi Cap1960,

I hope for your own mental and physical health that you are letting go. I know it’s difficult, but you must move on. That could mean that she feels you are abandoning her and she may retaliate. But you MUST let go and live your own life.

She’s going to be ok, believe me I know how difficult it is to lose a child to this illness, but you need to live your own healthy life, and get out of the unhealthy one you have let yourself get sucked into.

It sounds like over the years you built a foundation, and while that is good, it sounds like you have immersed yourself in her unhealthy life. But you said yourself that she’s living her own functional life, so now it’s time to take back your own identity.
If you don’t, you too will sink into a MH pit and will struggle with problems you did not think you had.

Pat yourself on the back, show love, concern, and a sense of who you really are to her family and physically move away.

Remember who you really are, get some therapy and find the real you again; you will all be better for this. She can live her own life and you can restart your own!

I wish you the best, remember, the grieving over this will come to an end, even if it means thinking about her and your grands a lot. But you have GOT to continue your momentum and restart your own life again! It may be difficult at first, but things will get better and the Grands will see a healthy you which will be better for everyone!

You can do this!