Lost

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 My wife of 2 years (4 year total relationship) has been diagnosed with BPD. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I had to let her go last week due to her bringing physical violence into the marriage. She has left me at least once a year since we met. The road with her has been rough and I am trying to pick up the pieces. Im not sure what to say here except that I am lost and I need help to find my way back from her. I dont even know where to begin except to say that the experience has changed me and I dont like the person Ive become.
 I live in a small rural town in the western rocky mountains with no access to mental health services or support groups and I have nowhere to turn. I am dealing with all this alone because no one understands the hell Ive been through. They all just say "its going to be ok" and "you have to be strong" but Ive been strong for years now and Im tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually exhausted.
 If I am in the wrong place then I apologize.

[capn zed]

 My wife of 2 years (4 year total relationship) has been diagnosed with BPD. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I had to let her go last week due to her bringing physical violence into the marriage. She has left me at least once a year since we met. The road with her has been rough and I am trying to pick up the pieces. Im not sure what to say here except that I am lost and I need help to find my way back from her. I dont even know where to begin except to say that the experience has changed me and I dont like the person Ive become.
 I live in a small rural town in the western rocky mountains with no access to mental health services or support groups and I have nowhere to turn. I am dealing with all this alone because no one understands the hell Ive been through. They all just say "its going to be ok" and "you have to be strong" but Ive been strong for years now and Im tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually exhausted.
 If I am in the wrong place then I apologize.

[Mutt]

Hi capn zed,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you've found us.

They all just say "its going to be ok" and "you have to be strong"

I completely understand how invalidating that sounds, sometimes people mean well or they don't know what to say. Everyone's situation is unique and it's not that straight forward that you have to be strong, in fact I think that you should get support, get your story out, grieve the loss and learn what you can from this experience so that you can take what you've learned with you into the next r/s.

Do you have kids together?

Have you heard from her in the last week?

[Stripey77]

Hi

 You're in the right place, not the wrong one, and in time you'll probably see just how much of a right place this is.  We are all here for one another, because in one shape or form we have all been or are going through this hell ourselves.  Please do post away and I'm sure you'll find some help on these pages.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Capn, Yup, you're in the right place.  Those who haven't been in a BPD r/s can't really comprehend what it's like, so I wouldn't pay much attention to those comments.  What is your current situation with your W?  Are you separated?  Still living together?  Do you have kids?  Contemplating divorce?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[chillamom]

Hi, Capn,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I think pretty much everyone on this board can relate to the idea of the "rollercoaster", and yes, well-meaning, sincere friends who just can't fathom why you can't simply "forget about it" don't typically have experience with the personal chaos these relationships can bring about.  Please share more of your story when you are ready, and you will find a great deal of support and understanding, as have I.

[capn zed]

 I am going to copy and paste a message I sent to the person who sent me a welcome message here because I cant think straight and I think it describes my situation pretty well.

My head hurts from all the confusion. I cant seem to complete a thought and trying to describe how I feel is nearly impossible. I haven't slept in days and Im sick to my stomach. I haven't even gone outside since it happened. I am terrified and angry and sad and relieved and... .I could probably name every emotion and state of mind ever uttered and they would all be true. Frankly, I am completely overwhelmed to the point of emotional paralysis. I am a strong human who has seen many tragedies in this life but this one has no clear beginning or end, no logic to it, no motivation or justification, it is so outlandish that I cant make sense of any of it.
 I feel like a child who is just learning to open his eyes to the world and it is an ugly place.

 As for the details of my situation, I am separated as of last Thursday. My wife has left and she has taken everything with her. We share 3 children, 2 of which are grown, One, my daughter by blood, and the other, a boy, is living with her. Our 3rd child is 11 and with her mother as she is not mine by blood so I have no legal claim to her. I am the only daddy shes ever known. My oldest girl, one of the adult children, is living with my mother and I. My mother is elderly and needs constant care and I am permanently disabled.

 I will post more as my head clears but for now this is about all I can manage. I dont know who I am anymore and I dont know how to process all of this so I am reaching out for help because the only thing I am sure of these days, is that I absolutely cannot do this alone.
 Thank you for all the kind comments. They help.

[Emotions]

I described my feeling as if I lost my arms... .that is how I felt the first month or so... .and some of the advice I got from those not dealing with this would have been metaphorically speaking, something like let's play catch (while I had no arms)... .stay strong zed and have faith

[capn zed]

I've been reading for hours now and I think Im even more confused now than I was before. I should have tried harder to get her help. I shouldve done more. I didnt understand what I was dealing with and now I feel like its my fault.

[hopealways]

I am going to copy and paste a message I sent to the person who sent me a welcome message here because I cant think straight and I think it describes my situation pretty well.

My head hurts from all the confusion. I cant seem to complete a thought and trying to describe how I feel is nearly impossible. I haven't slept in days and Im sick to my stomach. I haven't even gone outside since it happened. I am terrified and angry and sad and relieved and... .I could probably name every emotion and state of mind ever uttered and they would all be true. Frankly, I am completely overwhelmed to the point of emotional paralysis. I am a strong human who has seen many tragedies in this life but this one has no clear beginning or end, no logic to it, no motivation or justification, it is so outlandish that I cant make sense of any of it.
 I feel like a child who is just learning to open his eyes to the world and it is an ugly place.

 As for the details of my situation, I am separated as of last Thursday. My wife has left and she has taken everything with her. We share 3 children, 2 of which are grown, One, my daughter by blood, and the other, a boy, is living with her. Our 3rd child is 11 and with her mother as she is not mine by blood so I have no legal claim to her. I am the only daddy shes ever known. My oldest girl, one of the adult children, is living with my mother and I. My mother is elderly and needs constant care and I am permanently disabled.

 I will post more as my head clears but for now this is about all I can manage. I dont know who I am anymore and I dont know how to process all of this so I am reaching out for help because the only thing I am sure of these days, is that I absolutely cannot do this alone.
 Thank you for all the kind comments. They help.

Welcome here! Even though you live in a small town there are still many options and you started in the right place.  Learning about what BPD is and more importantly why you were drawn to her in a great place to begin. Also, many therapists offer services via Skype if you cannot fine one where you live.

What was your childhood like? There is usually a blueprint for being attracted to a BPD lover and it starts with where you began your formative years.

[Lucky Jim]

I should have tried harder to get her help. I shouldve done more. I didnt understand what I was dealing with and now I feel like its my fault.

Hey Cap'n, Who knew?  Give yourself a break.  It's doubtful that she would have agreed to participate in whatever "help" you refer to.  No, it's not your fault.  You didn't cause her to get BPD and you can't cure it.  Don't beat yourself up!

LuckyJim

[Owen]

It really is a heartbreaking situation. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, but I know in the last couple of months that I've been here, so many people have offered their advice and experiences and it's been a tremendous help to me.

You're in the right place. And people here will listen.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[capn zed]

 I am feeling a little stronger today. My head is a mess and my heart is completely broken but I am determined to do what is best for me, even if I have no idea what that is at this point. Thank you all for your support and kind words. They really do help. I was so afraid I was going to have to do this alone.
 She is setting people in her family on me with threats etc. I have blocked all direct communication with her entire family but we share many mutual "friends" who are feeding her narrative of the events that led to this break up. I cant take out no contact orders on the whole valley so Im not sure what to do next. For now, Im just staying neutral and ignoring these attempts to further hurt me by staying home, Ive turned off my phone and I am avoiding social media. I am making no statements to anyone of any kind outside of this forum and my family. I have simply gone silent for the time being.
 Am I doing the right thing?

[Emotions]

The truth is louder than words... .people can say or think anything they want, YOU KNOW the truth of the situation, and fear not, because you can only go up from where you are... .you might stay the same for a bit, but eventually you will start heading upward and onward in life... .perspective will start showing up, and although you will go through many uncomfortable emotions, you WILL GET THROUGH IT... .it sounds like you are handling this with class, keep it up and the truth will set you free!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi capn zed and welcome 

I want to respond to your previous post.

I should have tried harder to get her help. I shouldve done more. I didnt understand what I was dealing with and now I feel like its my fault.

I feel that if your wife was capable of realising her own disordered behaviours and taking responsibility for her actions then she would have been seeking help herself.  You cannot make someone want to do this, no matter how well placed your heart is. 

As for doing more, I'm sure you did more than most would.  We all seem to have been guilty of that to some degree.  Those of us who have been in these relationships tend to take on a caregiver/rescuer role with our partners and will keep trying long after those who know and love us would suggest is healthy.  You would not be feeling physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted if you hadn't given it your all. 

Most anyone who hasn't been through another relationship like this would not understand what they are dealing with under these circumstances.  Even those who HAVE been there before can fail to see that things are heading in the same direction, so don't feel bad that you didn't recognise the reasons for the dysfunction.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD can feel somewhat 'dreamlike' in that you can be carried along by the tidal waves of their emotions, good or bad.  It's hard to understand pretty much anything when you are in the midst of this.

In a relationship there are two parties and both contribute to the dynamic.  You cannot take ownership of the other person's thoughts, feelings or behaviours.  You're only responsible for your own.  We could all sit and dissect every interaction and lay sole blame on ourselves for how things went, yet one thing is unchangeable and that is the fact that another person is also involved.  Please don't feel responsible for her disorder.  Nobody is. 

The past can't be altered for you I'm afraid.  However, the future can and things can and will get better with your new knowledge, building on that, along with your self awareness and the right support.  I'm so glad you came here.  We will help you all we can, on that you can rely.

I'd encourage you to take a good look at the lessons (links to the right) which will help you to see that what you're experiencing right now is to be expected and will in time pass.  The articles on the site have worked wonders for me in my own journey too.  Keep reading and posting, it helps.

Love and light x   

[capn zed]

 Its been 7 days today. Im exhausted and just numb. I keep trying to cry but its like my eyes are broken, they just wont let it happen. I just sit here and stare at the wall. Sleep is also elusive because every time I close my eyes that last night plays over and over like a broken record. My head is swimming with everything that has happened over the last 4 years. The thoughts collide so hard in my head they almost cancel each other out. Ive been talking to some friends but they just seem to have nothing to offer me that helps. I dont need "I told you so" or " shes done this before to others" or any other "sage advice" from them. They dont get it. Hell, I dont get it and I was there.
 I have been reading as much as I can but my eyes are hard to focus and I've had a headache for days.

[Emotions]

If you want to research trauma bonds, a lot of us went through them including me... .it does get better in time though, have faith brother

[Phoenix41]

It will get easier. It just takes time. It's been a year and 3 months and I am still healing. The first three months were the hardest. I went over and over the last weekend in my mind. I blamed myself for everything, because I didn't recognize the mental illness when I was enmeshed in the relationship. I was used to being blamed.

I also promised I would never leave. I promised for 15 years, until I couldn't keep that promise anymore. You're not wrong to leave. You are so accustomed to putting her before yourself that it feels wrong. I felt guilty and physically sick as well when I left. Couldn't sleep, eat, cried every day. Believe me, I understand.

What I can offer is this. Right now what you can't see because of the pain and the regret and the loss is this. Your life can be vastly different. It won't always feel like this. You will get better, you will feel better. There is joy out there waiting.

You don't have to spend your days on this earth hurting, being confused and stressed.

So much of what you wrote resonated with my experience. I didn't know who I was when I left. I didn't understand that he was sick, that it was a mental illness.  I felt guilty. This board helped keep me sane and helped me understand what I went through, and that I wasn't alone.

Hang in there. Keep writing. There's a lot of support here.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that your friends don't understand, it's invalidating to be told I told you so. It helps to write your story down , this is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated.

[capn zed]

 Im not sure if I should post this here or start a new thread. I was instructed to post my story so here goes.

 I am capn zed
 And this is my story.

 I met her 4 years and 3 months ago. I was just getting out of a marriage that had lasted almost 8 years to a woman who decided she wanted other things in this world. It was a peaceful divorce.
 I was in a state of mind that demanded total, brutal honesty. She was perfect. She listened without judgement. She spoke of things very familiar to me. Had I found "the one"?
 I fell in love almost immediately but I held my ground and my distance for several months before succumbing to the ache my heart developed when I couldnt be with her. 7 months into the relationship we had our first major event. She became extremely violent after drinking heavy and I ended up in a life flight helicopter headed for the regional trauma center with a concussion and a fractured eye socket.
 I forgave her almost immediately the following day because I honestly believed it was a result of too much alcohol. She and I swore off alcohol and after a few weeks, we got back together. From then on it was a series of months of heaven followed by days of outburts and accusations, like someone would just flip a switch in her and she would go from the most perfect woman Ive ever known to "a woman scorned" instantly with no provocation whatsoever. We were married after 2 years of dating. There were times, at least once a year after that, when she would fight with me over things that were so outlandish and then leave, usually ending up with other men.
 After each time, when we would split up, usually after a month or more, she would start contacting me again. She would say all the right things to get me to lower my guard and agree to talk again. During those times she would be almost angelic in her words and actions and I loved her. Of course, I would always take her back with her promises of change and amends. Promises, but no substance. After a few short months it would all start again, usually around the end of summer, early fall. Last year in November she did it again, only this time she ran all the way across the country. We didnt speak for several weeks after she left but innevitably, she contacted me saying she missed me and how it was my fault and she was sorry but she had to. We talked for a couple weeks by phone and decided that we wanted to try again so on Christmas eve I drove through a snowstorm, all the way to Salt Lake City to catch the only flight they had to where she was and, forgetting all the past and with high hopes for us, boarded the plane to our future.
 I have never in my entire life been happier than I have been over these last 5 months, since I convinced her to return to our sleepy little mountain town. It was absolute heaven. Our kids were happy and doing amazing, we were happy and doing amazing.
 Last thursday it all came crashing down around an argument she started with me about sex. We have enjoyed a healthy intimacy throughout our relationship so the basis for her arguement once again made no sense. She allowed herself to escalate to physical violence and I was forced to involve the police.
 I have spent the last 4 years giving myself completely to a woman who couldnt love me back. I have lived in a constant state of fear of her leaving again for no reason. I have destroyed myself to the point I dont know who I am anymore trying to accomodate her irrational fears. I am so full of resentment and anger. I am full of fear for our children.
 I am doing my best to pick up the pieces. I cannot afford any more of the rollercoaster. I have nothing left to give. In a word, I am exhausted.
 I know it is only a matter of time before I hear her familiar, apologetic voice. I know its innevitable that she will one day find a way to contact me again and I think that is what terrifies me most. The constant jekyl and hyde.
 She was the most beautiful, sensitive, understanding woman I have ever encountered and she was the most venomous, hateful, violent woman Ive ever known.
 I know what I have to do. I just dont want to do it. I have to move on from the most powerful love I have ever known and find myself again. I have to let her go but my heart wont listen.
 This is only an overview of my story but it is the best I can do right now. My head hurts, my eyes burn from all the tears and my heart aches.
 I am so tired. I wish I could sleep. Its been 7 days now and so far I have witnessed every sunset and sunrise since. I dont feel any better but then, it is still pretty fresh.
 I will do my best to be patient with myself, I will not give in to the temptation to call her or text her, and I will try to remember to just breathe.
 Thank you all for your support here. I never imagined a place like this existed, or that I would ever need such a place but I am, nonetheless, grateful.

[Mutt]

I know what I have to do. I just dont want to do it. I have to move on from the most powerful love I have ever known and find myself again. I have to let her go but my heart wont listen.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, I know that it can be emotionally difficult to process loss and to talk about it. I think that you can let chapters of your story out slowly, over time and eventually get it all out. Your heart hasn't caught up to your head yet, listen to the logical part of your mind, you have support here friend, we'll walk with you though this. Hang in there.

[capn zed]

So it begins

 She tried to get a hold of me this morning. I am trying to resist the urge to see what she wanted. Truth is, I already know. We've been here before, several times. It confuses me how I can know this but still have such an overpowering urge to volunteer for more.
 For now, my senses are intact and I am able to resist. I will keep reaching out to those with my best interest at heart for support.
 
 God this hurts so bad.

[Conundrum]

Hullo Zed, disordered pollen germinates into indelible, broken fruit buds. When partaking of that apple from the disordered Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, we invite disorder into our lives. Yet, who will manage it? Whose responsibility is it to manage the swirling storm? The power of the wind may make us soar high. But like Icarus we flew too near the sun on wings of wax.

These relationships are trade-offs. One that we must clearly perceive. We have made a bargain, or pact. One that both enhances and diminishes. One that both enflames and burns.

The trick is not to be consumed. Though, often we fly too near the sun.

There is no ordered relationship, without structure. There is no functionality without order. For chaos reigns. A chaotic bond is a disordered bond--more often than not, one unsuited for marriage.

Yet, we trace our destiny lines with these otherworldly beings, afraid to differentiate between want and need.

All your suffering, emanating from your words, and truly it is a horrible story--no one should have to suffer an orbital fracture from the one they love/trust above all others. That is abuse.

Yet, how do we recover?

We restore ourselves by being what they cannot be (at least not without hard won self-awareness coupled with protracted evidence based therapies), through authenticity.

Having dignity for self--expressly entails differentiating btwn want and need. Every one of us here on this board has at one time conflated the two. Fooling ourselves, to such extremes that many lost their way in the most damaging out-of-character ways.

However, to sacrifice our inalienable rights upon a disordered pyre of want is a gross disservice to one's self and children.

These troubled souls are best appreciated in limited doses. They are not ordered entities able to fulfill a companion's hopes and dreams in perpetuity. That is asking too much from a swirling storm. When the eye of the storm keeps shifting, calm cannot be found.

Enchanting illusions, wishful thinking... . A dream weaver will take you there if you are compliant. Until you find your wings melting in the sun, and they are gone.

I wish you peace. Small steps will climb a mountain.              

[capn zed]

Conundrum,  I am speechless.

All I can say is,  thank you.

[Mutt]

It confuses me how I can know this but still have such an overpowering urge to volunteer for more.
 

That's called FOG Fear Obligation Guilt, you're still in the FOG, it takes time for the FOG to lift.

[Harley Quinn]

I know you're exhausted and have been feeling so much pain.  This is why I want to share with you one article that made a big difference to me at the right moment, when I felt at my lowest ebb, hurt, weak and confused.  If you haven't already read this one, I hope this might help you somewhat right now in gathering renewed strength to stay with your goal, by recognising any of these thoughts you may be holding onto.  It gave me some perspective and pulled me back from the brink more than once by reminding me of what my head knew and my heart wanted so desperately to ignore.  That our experience of our relationships and our partners' experiences of them were vastly different.  So we weren't really 'together', if that makes sense? 

Here is the link for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I hope that this is also helpful to you and if nothing else, allows you to see a little way through to the other side of the looking glass.

If you are seeing the sun rise tomorrow, make it a wonderfully life affirming experience for yourself.  Really see it.  Enjoy the moment.  Be present.  Give yourself this blessing of being absolutely here for it.  These things add up.

Love and light x 

[capn zed]

Today has been rough. The urge to reach out is strong today. Im afraid if I dont tell on myself I will remain vulnerable and I cannot afford to break n/c. I have been reading as much as I can and I know how harmful it would be to reach out to her. It seems there is some insanity of my own to deal with.

I know she is bad for me, so why do I feel the need to contact her so strongly? Why cant I just let go and move on? It feels irrational yet it persists. I feel out of control emotionally. All this is so foreign to me. How did she do this to me? Or did I do it to myself? So many questions... .So much pain inside. Im doing my best to get it out but it seems I produce more than I shed. How do I turn the tables in my head and take back my self control?

As of this moment I am still maintaining n/c but i am afraid. Afraid that I will succumb to the pain of missing her. I absolutely cannot afford to screw this up.

[roberto516]

Today has been rough. The urge to reach out is strong today. Im afraid if I dont tell on myself I will remain vulnerable and I cannot afford to break n/c. I have been reading as much as I can and I know how harmful it would be to reach out to her. It seems there is some insanity of my own to deal with.

I know she is bad for me, so why do I feel the need to contact her so strongly? Why cant I just let go and move on? It feels irrational yet it persists. I feel out of control emotionally. All this is so foreign to me. How did she do this to me? Or did I do it to myself? So many questions... .So much pain inside. Im doing my best to get it out but it seems I produce more than I shed. How do I turn the tables in my head and take back my self control?

As of this moment I am still maintaining n/c but i am afraid. Afraid that I will succumb to the pain of missing her. I absolutely cannot afford to screw this up.

These intense rushes of dopamine in the idealization phase have created an addiction in us. That's why these days of trying to go NC can be absolutely brutal. It's an emotional withdrawal we go through. That won't necessarily help you right now but is completely normal what is happening.

You are taking back control by sharing here. And it makes sense that the pain seems to be never ending. There's a lot of it. There's probably a lot of suppressed and repressed stuff that is coming out from years and years and years ago now that the damn has burst with this relationship. It's not easy. But it does go away. The brain will be rewired back to a more normal baseline with time. But it will take longer if you indulge even just a little bit with your "fix" whether it's contact, meeting up, etc etc.

Stay strong. Take comfort knowing you are changing as I type this.

[capn zed]

Im feeling a little stronger today. The thoughts of her still plague me constantly but the urge to contact is waning. I had to drive by her house today, since its the only way out of the valley, and I only wanted to stop in for a split second in my head and then it was gone. I drove on by and then back again a few hours later and I managed to get through it without breaking n/c or having an emotional breakdown.

My first little victory.

[Mutt]

Good for you   Keep pausing and validating these little victories, you'll notice that they'll add up.

[Harley Quinn]

Congratulations!  It took me about 6 weeks before I put the knives back in the kitchen and I can still remember my feeling of triumph.  Such a small thing in itself yet how freeing!  These moments as Mutt says, add up over time until one day you think 'wow, I am stronger now'.  Be proud of yourself.

Love and light x

[Jami]

Hi Zed,

i just arrived here too after a devastating break-up. I can imagine how hard it must be for you right now and wish to let you know that my thoughts are with you. If it can be of any help, dwelling on these pages and actively sharing experiences with the community has been and is fundamental to me. I honestly don't know how i would have survived without it. Even though i am lucky to be surrounded by a few people that are lovingly supportive, i'm aware that they cannot fathom the depth of what has happened. Better for them, i dare to say.

As the days go by the strength comes back, the clarity increases and the broken pieces are pulled together, one by one. I believe that through mutual support, sharing, awareness and knowledge we can dig ourselves out of the hole and embrace healthier lives.

What helped me a lot, beyond these pages, is getting books. I've downloaded the audio version of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and listen to it whenever my eyes feel too tired to read. Sometimes i listen to it to fall asleep, it lulls me away from insanity and has a reassuring effect that helps me fight insomnia. You can find a lot of smart videos about BPD and other personality disorder on youtube as well.

It will take a lot of patience, determination and gentleness toward ourselves to get better, but we will! Have faith that once you stood up for yourself and reached out for help, help will come in many forms. Be kind and gentle to yourself, try to give your body what it needs, listen to the music you once loved, write, do whatever gives you joy.

[SisterRichard]

That's right, Cap'n Zed,

Don't beat yourself up.  In my experience, BPD's are pretty self-righteous and feel they are 100% right, 100% of the time.  Not the personality type most open to change.

So sorry you are going through such pain. Your breakup is so recent, raw and fresh that it's hard to see that things will get better, which they will. Hope this community provides some solace for you.

[capn zed]

 Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I honestly dont think I could be doing this without your support. I slept in for the first time in almost 4 years and it felt great. The thoughts of her are still there but they aren't as overpowering as they were. I know Im not out of the woods yet but I am starting to feel hope again that I can recover from this without her. In the interest of full disclosure, I am also a recovering addict. I have been clean for over 10 years now and I have found that the same tools I used to get clean back then are very similar to the tools I am finding here to get through this. I find it interesting how the two seem to correlate.
 I still hurt, I still miss her, however I now have hope that one day I will be able to stand on my own again as a whole person.

[capn zed]

Its been a few days since I've updated my status. I didn't really know what to say. Ive been through the gauntlet lately having to deal with the fallout from her and surgery yesterday as well as a sick elderly mother etc. Im overwhelmed and exhausted. I have maintained n/c so far, in spite of the overwhelming urge to tell her exactly what I think of what shes done to this family and me but I remain silent. I know it wont do any good. I also know that solutions are never found in blame. I am so angry with her, Im angry with myself for allowing this to happen in the first place. I wish there was a magic pill or shot or something that could make her well and take away all this crap in my head and heart. She truly is the love of my life and I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that she is also the greatest source of pain and misery for me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi capn,

I'm sorry to hear about all this going on alongside your mother being sick and surgery too.  Do you have an opportunity to catch any rest now?  Could someone give you some help?  That feeling of being on your knees is awful.  I do hope that things ease up a little for you so that you're able to deal with one thing at a time.  I know life doesn't always permit that and has it's own agenda entirely.  Please try to take any time you can to get your head down and do nothing.  Your body must be crying out for that right now.

I also know that solutions are never found in blame. I am so angry with her, Im angry with myself for allowing this to happen in the first place. I wish there was a magic pill or shot or something that could make her well and take away all this crap in my head and heart. She truly is the love of my life and I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that she is also the greatest source of pain and misery for me.

You're showing real strength in holding back the urge to vent.  Good on you.  It would open up lines of communication which could invite more difficulty into your life and at the moment that sounds like the last thing you need.  I was angry too for the same reasons.  Somehow I felt like I had been a fool for not knowing better or doing something differently and kept criticising myself however it's important to acknowledge that you did your best and in time you'll let yourself off the hook as I did. 
For the first couple of weeks I spent so long asking the Universe to make my ex better and send him back to me... .I know that heartache is unbearable and I'm sorry but the only way to get past it is to go through it.  I really feel for you.  Just know that one day you will wake up and it will hurt a little less.  I will always consider the time with my ex to be my best and worst r/s as it had the highest highs and the lowest lows of any I've experienced.  I'd no longer want it back though now.  Peace can be achieved capn.  Stay strong and take care of you.

Love and light x 

 

[capn zed]

I just woke up with the most terrible nightmare. I haven't had one this intense since I was much younger, after returning from overseas. It was so vivid and she was the focal point. I am shaking so bad right now I can hardly type. Waking up from it to find myself alone here in this bed made it even worse. Ive been sobbing so hard my head hurts. Im doing my best to hang on. I know it was just a dream but the loneliness and heartache are still very real. I know I have to go through this to get past it, I just need to get this crap out, out in the light of day so that it can heal. Its so quiet and cold in here. I feel like I am in hell on earth. If there is such a place, I imagine it would be a lot like this. I will survive this, no matter what. That is my commitment to myself. I have to survive this and once I do, then I can pick up the pieces. Why this particular nightmare, the way it played out, the characters in it, the circumstances? It was so real... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi capn,

This is your mind's way of trying to work through things that it hasn't been able to process.  The circumstances surrounding our BPD relationships can seem so strange to our rational minds and it's like our heads need to try to put together the pieces and make some sense out of it all.  I'm afraid many of us go through this phase of vivid nightmares, although they do seem to ease off.  It could be that you are having some effects of PTSD, which is fairly common following a BPD r/s.  Would you like to share what was contained in the dream?  Sometimes it can help to get things out by writing them down.  Stay strong.  You're going through a lot and doing great.  This process is painful and you will come out of it on the other side with learnings that help you in your future.  We're here for you.

Love and light x  

[capn zed]

 The dream was about her. She killed 2 people and forced me to hide the bodies but I couldn't and the police were coming. She was trying to blame me for the deaths and said if I didn't do what she told me I would go down for the murders. It was terrible. The police were at our door and the bodies were lying on the floor and she just stood there laughing at me.
 I know it was just a nightmare. At least my mind knows it but the feelings were so intense. Its been hours since the nightmare and my heart still hurts from the experience.

[capn zed]

 So, let me see if I have this straight.
In the brain of a person who is in a relationship with a BPD, chemicals are released during the extreme highs and lows that, over time, rewire the brain to resemble that of a drug addict?
 Is that close?
 If this is true then I have a very specific path I need to take from here on out.
 Because of my history with addiction and recovery, I have found some tools that help in restoring myself from a state of addiction to one of sound mind and body. Its the spiritual principles I struggle with most but they are manageable.
 Its not the best revelation Ive ever had to be honest. I have trouble fitting this in a simple addiction model. There was so much more to it than a simple "fix" or spiritual bankruptcy. I was useful and good at being a husband and a father, I was really good at it and I hate that I had to give it up.
 I know its my own head messing with me. But I also know I am human and I get weak sometimes too. I came so close to the town she lives in now. I saw the lights of it on the horizon and I turned around. I was actually being drawn towards her like a moth to a flame. I caught it in time, this time. I wasn't even consciously aware of what I was doing until I saw the lights. It hit me like a truck. I turned around and just drove. I put over 400 miles on my car today. I drove all the way to Montana trying to get myself under control again. I was not going to head towards home until I knew I wouldn't go to her. It wasn't easy. Im glad I have tinted windows because I think I actually cried the entire trip. I screamed at her, at god, at the world. It f*****g hurt. I keep rolling the night she left through my head, over and over like some kind of obsessive need to torture myself or something.
 Im home now, somewhat calmer and the thoughts are starting to slow down some. I wish my eyes would dry up, they are starting to chap. I am exhausted and I need sleep. Last night didn't go so well. I will try again tonight.
 I feel like Im just ranting now so Ill just say this, thank you for being here and allowing me to vent and learn without judgement. It helps a great deal to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this and having a community like this is a resource I wish I had found years ago.

 Good night family.

[Harley Quinn]

So, let me see if I have this straight.
In the brain of a person who is in a relationship with a BPD, chemicals are released during the extreme highs and lows that, over time, rewire the brain to resemble that of a drug addict?
 Is that close?

The extreme highs following extreme lows can be described as intermittent reinforcement, which is known to have a very reinforcing effect on us, so yes, much like an addiction.  The idealisation which we are subject to is a huge draw and is the thing we are all aiming to recreate when we stay in the r/s despite evidence to the contrary.  We get glimpses of the idealisation stage, which then spur us on to keep trying and persisting long after someone with healthy boundaries would have done a swift one. 

Add to this the biology of a break up and we're absolutely looking at a withdrawal period.  It's love withdrawal.  As a BPD r/s is so intense, I'd imagine studies would see an increase in the effects on our brains.

Here's an excerpt from an article on the site:

According to Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, everyone biologically reacts to rejection in a way similar to  that of a drug user going through withdrawal. In the early days and weeks after a serious breakup, there are changes in the ventral tegmental area of the midbrain, which controls motivation and reward and is known to be involved in romantic love; the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex, part of the dopamine reward system and associated with craving and addiction; and the insular cortex and anterior cingulate, associated with physical pain and distress.

As reported in a recent issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology, Fisher rounded up 15 people who had just experienced romantic rejection, put them in an fMRI machine, and had them look at two large photographs: an image of the person who had just dumped them and an image of a neutral person to whom they had no attachment. When the participants looked at the images of their rejecters, their brains shimmered like those of addicts deprived of their substance of choice.

“We found activity in regions of the brain associated with cocaine and nicotine addiction,” Fisher says. “We also found activity in a region associated with feelings of deep attachment, and activity in a region that’s associated with pain.”

You can read the whole article here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

Hope this helps.

Love and light x

[capn zed]

Thank you Harley, This info is very helpful. I am the type that runs on emotion but I solve problems logically. This info allows me to move forward with at least a partial plan.

[capn zed]

Shes ahead of schedule.

 I went to visit a friend last night only to find out my wife wants to talk. She used my friend to create a back door line of communication. Clever. I was told that our 11 year old is furious with her mother over this split. I was also told that my ex misses me and that I am the only one who understands her (her words, not my friends) etc.

 I didnt sleep much last night of course. I asked my friend to remain neutral in all this and to please respect my privacy by not relaying any more messages in either direction. The pull to try to talk to her is strong. I know its just the insanity in me that wants to go back for more so I am going to remain strong and silent towards her. I miss her so much, laying in this cold empty bed. I miss the sounds of our kids laughing and playing together. I miss my wifes scent on the pillows and in the air. I miss holding her.
 I cannot allow myself to break down and give in. This is so hard. My brain knows the dangers all too well but my heart still thinks sometimes that it can't live without her.
 This has always been the most difficult time for me, when she finally reaches out to me after a split. I just want to run to her. I know its insane, I know what will happen if I give in. I must not give in to the temptation. I cannot forget the violence she brought into our family. I cannot forget the patterns and the conflict.

 I have to see this through.

[Harley Quinn]

The thing that does it for me is to think of my son.  He deserves to see what a healthy relationship and real love looks like.  What he didn't deserve was to see his mother get hit.  It only ever happened once.  Sadly it was in front of him.  There was other physical violence which only ever occurred when he was staying elsewhere, as my ex had restraint (up to that point) around children, however to be struck in front of my child was a deal breaker. 

The following events that spiralled are ongoing as legal issues continue regards custody of my son (father is not the BPDex yet a narcissist, determined to wield his power and control at all costs).  I had protected my son from seeing a toxic r/s by leaving his father yet felt I had failed him in only my first r/s following the split. 

I am determined that he will learn what is acceptable from me and what should not be tolerated.  He will see his mother behave with self love and self respect.  He'll know that people make mistakes and that's OK as long as we learn from them.  He will see me invest in myself, in growing as an individual, becoming stronger and wiser.  I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life and role model this than ever bring another unhealthy r/s into his life.   

Just remember that families come in all shapes and sizes and you can find ways to make things work as a father without being in the r/s as you knew it.  There are always alternatives.  Concentrate on healing yourself first and then consider your options when you are in a healthier position emotionally.  Remain strong for yourself and your children.  It's clear in your posts that you know you're making the right choice for you.  Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  We're right behind you.

Love and light x

[capn zed]

So, Im not sure what happened here but my post got chopped up and part of it got moved.
 I am doing my best to stay strong and not go running back to her. So far I have failed twice in the last week by going to see her because she wanted to talk. I know she is poison to me. I know it in my head but my heart takes over so easily. Like I have no self control whatsoever.

[Harley Quinn]

Don't beat yourself up.  It sounds like you are still considering your options here.
 How have things gone in your conversations and how do they leave you feeling?

Love and light x

[capn zed]

Our conversations run the gambit from kind to venomous, loving to hateful. They go from blaming herself to blaming me and back again. She has me so spun up and confused I dont even know who I am anymore. I know what I am doing is toxic but I cant seem to find the strength to walk away, I cant seem to ignore her calls and messages. I cant seem to force myself to move on. I know I need to, I know I have to. I dont have the strength right now. So Im hiding from the rest of the world. My phone is off and I am in bed. Ive been here since yesterday. I dont want to face anyone and I dont want to tell anyone what this is doing to me. You guys are the only lifeline I seem to have right now. Im hanging on to my sanity, but my grip is starting to slip.

[Harley Quinn]

I dont have the strength right now. So Im hiding from the rest of the world. My phone is off and I am in bed. Ive been here since yesterday. I dont want to face anyone and I dont want to tell anyone what this is doing to me. You guys are the only lifeline I seem to have right now. Im hanging on to my sanity, but my grip is starting to slip.

What you're experiencing is tough and eventually a build up of such experiences over time can take it's toll.  When I was there I ended up finally speaking to my doctor and accepting the anti depressants that I'd rejected (had been advised through my ongoing health condition) for so long.  I still take the SSRI - it's the third one I trialled - and find it works well for me at present.  Different approaches work for each of us.  You do sound worn out at the moment and in need of something to change so what changes can you effect do you think? 

What does your instinct tell you would help you to get that grip back?

Love and light x

[capn zed]

My instincts are flawed. Instinct tell me to disappear into a bottle. Ive loved others before, Ive been married with children before. This one is different. I cant be specific as to how without cliches but it is different. Its the most powerful force Ive ever stood against. I cant take thse kinds of meds due to other issues and drug interactions. I wish I could, I wish there was a pill or something that could take all this away, even for a second but I am afraid this time I am going to have to suffer through and hope I come out the other side in one piece.
 I know I sound melodramatic. If I was listening to someone else tell me the same story Id probably tell them to pull up their big boy pants and move on but now that I am the one in those shoes I see clearly how calloused and cruel that would be.

[Harley Quinn]

capn you're certainly sounding overwhelmed right now and I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself.  Just be aware that there's a fine line between giving yourself a break and allowing yourself to sink (I know this all too well from my own experience).  Apart from shutting yourself away, (or hitting the bottle), what else could you possibly do right now to give yourself some space from this?

I know you said that you have no access to MH services in your rural location, however does your doctor's surgery offer any counselling at all?  I've been down the talking therapy route for my health related depression in the past and it has helped enormously.  Do you know if there are any private counsellors in your area?  Getting your feelings out makes a whole lot of difference.  Alternatively, have you tried writing a journal?

Love and light x     

[capn zed]

 I got in the car, put on some music and pointed it down the highway. It seems to help.
 I just drive. I let the thoughts and feelings wash over me until I cry them out. I know this sounds off for a man but this really does hurt. I know you are aware of its magnitude, that feeling like you got kicked in the chest and someone stole your breath? I fight so hard to hold it back. I dont want to show it. Im not supposed to show it when I am devastated. Thats just how I was raised.
 So I got in the car and just drove. I dont know how far I went, Im not even sure how long I was actually gone but I got some of it out. I thought about the balance sheet between us and how little it actually mattered who is to blame. I thought about our kids. I thought about a great many things. Once I felt sane enough to show my face I went to a friends house for a little while. We talked about it. We talked about how much of this I was a volunteer for, that the only way to heal without relapsing into the relationship is to cut it off clean, and how much I have fought these ends in the past. We spoke about my apparent need to gravitate towards a woman who may or may not know the most basic definition of love, family, and commitment. We also spoke about limits and whether there should be any at all concerning when is enough, what my own limitations are and how much of my fall was self inflicted. He doesn't sugarcoat it and I need that. Its how I communicate best.
 I found a professional willing to see me in a city about 130 miles from where I live, that accepts my insurance. I am going to see them on the 10th. I know its a long way, 260 miles round trip, but I dont care. I love to drive. The highway is my meditation, it is my path to clarity. I will use it to seek help for the things I cannot work out on my own, and I will man up and stop volunteering for the rest.
 This is what I have decided is best for me right now. I cannot keep going the way I have been. It is tearing me to shreds. I have to stand against the storm and stop accepting invitations to chaos. No more messaging, no more faceyspace, no more calls. I need time. If, further down the road, she decides to seek help too and we can look at each other without venom in our throats, maybe I will reconsider.
 For now I must do this alone, without her. I need to find my footing again and decide who I want to be when I grow up. Do I want to be a self sustaining, whole person who chooses to share his life with a compatible, non combative mate? Do I want to continue the battle to bring her to good mental health and a willing participant in this marriage? Or will I decide that my furbabies and me are good enough company by ourselves? Who knows but for now I need to give myself the space and time to find out.
 I am at a crossroads. Time to choose.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm so glad you took action and found an outlet.  Before I had my son I'd often jump into the car and drive in the evenings to enjoy the peace and reflect.
 Respect to you for knowing what works for you and embracing that.  Your friend sounds like a good supportive ally which is exactly what we can all use when we are going through turmoil.  It's wonderful that you have him. 

I let the thoughts and feelings wash over me until I cry them out. I know this sounds off for a man but this really does hurt. I know you are aware of its magnitude, that feeling like you got kicked in the chest and someone stole your breath? I fight so hard to hold it back. I dont want to show it. Im not supposed to show it when I am devastated. Thats just how I was raised.
 ... .

 I found a professional willing to see me in a city about 130 miles from where I live, that accepts my insurance. I am going to see them on the 10th. I know its a long way, 260 miles round trip, but I dont care. I love to drive. The highway is my meditation, it is my path to clarity. I will use it to seek help for the things I cannot work out on my own, and I will man up and stop volunteering for the rest.
 This is what I have decided is best for me right now. I cannot keep going the way I have been. It is tearing me to shreds. I have to stand against the storm and stop accepting invitations to chaos.

I'm picking up on a self limiting belief here which is unlikely to be serving you.  We all have them and they can be extremely hard to shake.  Our parents' generation had the same things drummed into them and unknowingly they pass them on to us, as we undoubtedly pass on some of our own beliefs to our kids and so the cycle continues. 

It's a positive thing when we can (as you have) take note of 'it's just the way I was raised' and perhaps examine whether that really rings true for us in our own lives.  I'd say that with the knowledge and awareness around mental health that we have now, it's widely thought that it is far healthier to express our emotions, yet this limiting belief is one of the most common to affect men and it's unfortunate.  Hopefully your therapist will help you to work with this and you will greatly benefit from your sessions in working through your current difficulties.  Well done for committing to this and for seeing the journey as a positive thing for you.  Many would be put off and make excuses for not giving themselves the care they deserve, so you're making great strides.

For now I must do this alone, without her. I need to find my footing again and decide who I want to be when I grow up. Do I want to be a self sustaining, whole person who chooses to share his life with a compatible, non combative mate? Do I want to continue the battle to bring her to good mental health and a willing participant in this marriage? Or will I decide that my furbabies and me are good enough company by ourselves? Who knows but for now I need to give myself the space and time to find out.
 I am at a crossroads. Time to choose.

It's clear your action has had a clarifying effect on your outlook on things and that's wonderful to hear.  Remember, nothing worthwhile achieving is ever easy and this will be tough, but you are worth it.  Stay focused on you and keep posting.  As you said, time and space to find out seems a good point to start and when you are in a better place in yourself you will be able to make choices that serve you and can do so knowing you are able to manage what they bring. 

Love and light x   

[heartandwhole]

For now I must do this alone, without her. I need to find my footing again and decide who I want to be when I grow up. Do I want to be a self sustaining, whole person who chooses to share his life with a compatible, non combative mate? Do I want to continue the battle to bring her to good mental health and a willing participant in this marriage? Or will I decide that my furbabies and me are good enough company by ourselves? Who knows but for now I need to give myself the space and time to find out.
 I am at a crossroads. Time to choose.

capn zed,

This post is inspiring. You do, indeed, sound like you've reached a turning point. I'm so glad the you reached out for support here and elsewhere, and are going to someone. Yes, it's a long way, but your mental and emotional health is worth the drive (and the drive therapeutic, so, all good).

Keep this energy of taking the reins of your life and your heart as you move forward. You are so worth fighting for. The process of detachment is rough, but you will come out the other side and thrive again. That was my experience, and that of many others. We're here to walk with you. 

heartandwhole

[capn zed]

 It has been a few days since I posted. I cannot describe how I feel right now. My wife is not going to be my wife much longer. She has decided that since I have taken back the control for myself it is time to unleash hell on me. I have never seen such outrageous behavior in someone before. She is filing for divorce, impersonating our daughter via text message to tell me the most vile things. Our daughter is 11 and she would never speak to me in such a fashion so I know it is her. She has even begun to interfere with my friendships in our community. The games and heartache have reached epic proportions. I am seriously considering a no contact order from the courts. I am doing my best to remain strong and resolute. I am absolutely appalled at her behavior. She has left me completely speechless.
 I will continue to do what is best for me. Now that she has shown the true force of her illness I cannot help her anymore. It has come to the point where my physical safety is in question.
 I have never felt so low in my life.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi capn,

I'm so sorry to hear that your wife is behaving in this way.  Do you believe you are the subject of a smear campaign?  It would be wise to tread carefully in order to not provide any ammunition and to seek advice from a legal professional if you feel the need.  Sounds like a reaction to your perceived rejection of her and she has clearly split you black.  Not a pleasant experience for you at all from what you describe.  It must be very draining.  If there is any way to detach yourself from what is going on and tune it out that might be beneficial for your own sense of peace.  This is a time for renewed self care and focus on what IS good for you so that you aren't pulled under.   

It has come to the point where my physical safety is in question.
 I have never felt so low in my life.

Have you had any direct threats?  Do you have evidence if needs be and have you spoken to somebody about your concerns?  I'm dropping two links at the bottom for you regards threat assessment and safety planning just to be on the safe side.  Please take a look if you feel unsure about your safety and perhaps bookmark in case you should need to refer to these in the future.

On your final sentence, I know that how you feel right now is awful and you are probably exhausted by all the drama and shocking off the wall behaviour.  Remember one thing at this time.  It literally can only get better from here.  The ONLY way to go from the bottom of the rabbit hole is up.  We will be by your side.

Love and light x

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

[webarach]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it's very isolating from your description. Keep posting, it's great to have a space where people understand what you're going through.

You might want to look into online therapy. It's easy and on your own time Make sure you find someone who specializes in traumatic relationships and who hopefully is familiar with what BPD is. I really thinking talking to a therapist is going to be super important in helping you recover. Godspeed.

[capn zed]

 Its been a few days since I've posted here. I guess I've just reached a point where I dont have much to say. I feel isolated, hopeless, lost and empty. Ive spent the last week in a fog so thick I cant think straight, I haven't been eating or sleeping. I think I may actually be going insane.
 I went to my first therapy session yesterday. I hoped it would make me feel at least a little bit better, but the opposite is what actually happened. I feel worse now than I did when it first happened.
 I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi capn,

What happened in the therapy session that made you feel worse about things?  I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so.  I think we all have our ups and downs in this journey to healing.  I know the down points can feel incredibly low, but trust me it gets better.  Many have gone before us and are living happier healthier lives.
 Hang in there.  You have much to wake up for.  What does your good friend think?

Love and light x

[capn zed]

 I spent an hour and a half in a one hour session. The reason was so that the therapist could dig deeper into some detail about the last 4 years specifically, and more generalized background from me through childhood. Mind you, I did not reveal my wifes diagnosis, I merely told her of events, how the made me feel, what I felt had changed as a result and how, and what part I felt I needed help with.
 By the time I was done telling our story my therapist stopped me and asked if my wife had ever been to a therapist, and if so, was her diagnosis BPD? My jaw hit the floor, the reality of my circumstances came crashing in and I felt crushed under the weight of it all. I haven't had more than a few minutes of dry eyes and that feeling of being punched in the gut so hard it feels like you cant breathe ever since.
 I got in the car night before last, the day after the appointment, and drove to Vegas. It was 1500 mindless, angry, heartbroken miles spent trying to make sense of all this. We were perfect together. We had a great life with beautiful children who were happy and healthy, we were almost out of debt and about to move into our dream home. Everything was going better than either of us had ever experienced before. We spoke of this on the very day it happened. When she started a fight with me I couldnt possibly hope to resolve, based on feelings I didnt know she had about a topic she invented out of thin air. 3 hours later she was gone, and she took our 11 year old with her. My life has been unrecognizable, I have been unrecognizable ever since.
 I just got home from that ride. I havent slept in over 48 hours. I have a migraine from all the crying and miles of highway. I still cant sleep, at all. Its full blown insomnia now. I cant stop replaying the entire last 4 years in my head, over and over again. Shes really gone, I hate myself for missing her, for loving her still. I am angry with her for what she has done to our daughters, our families, to me.
 I know this is all probably normal for folks like me, in situations like me. Right now its still very fresh and recently agitated so it is going to be sensitive. Intellectually, I get it but the emotional residue as well as the damage that has been, and is continuing to be inflicted has struck me in a way life has never done to me before and I just cant seem to get a grip. I am completely overwhelmed and out of my league.

[Harley Quinn]

  By the time I was done telling our story my therapist stopped me and asked if my wife had ever been to a therapist, and if so, was her diagnosis BPD? My jaw hit the floor, the reality of my circumstances came crashing in and I felt crushed under the weight of it all. I haven't had more than a few minutes of dry eyes and that feeling of being punched in the gut so hard it feels like you cant breathe ever since... .
 
... .Shes really gone, I hate myself for missing her, for loving her still. I am angry with her for what she has done to our daughters, our families, to me.
 I know this is all probably normal for folks like me, in situations like me. Right now its still very fresh and recently agitated so it is going to be sensitive. Intellectually, I get it but the emotional residue as well as the damage that has been, and is continuing to be inflicted has struck me in a way life has never done to me before and I just cant seem to get a grip. I am completely overwhelmed and out of my league.

Oh capn, that's incredibly hard.  I felt your pain reading your post and it took me back.  That feeling of desperate heartbreaking loss is completely overwhelming, you're right, and whether or not it is all normal doesn't make it hurt any less.  I'd love to say I have a magic wand but sadly the only way out is through and all I can say to you is keep going and we will be by your side.  Take one day at a time, heck one hour if needs be, and slowly you will move forwards.  Grief is unique to each of us and we must process it in our own way and work through the stages.  It sounds like a lot of emotions are coming out right now and trust me when I say from experience it's better that they do than get pushed down. 

Try to make yourself do things that you don't feel like doing as you'll get benefit from pushing yourself a little.  Connecting with others so that you're not isolating yourself, even to just grab a cuppa with your friend will make a difference.  Hang in there.  Others have walked this path and come out of the other side.  You can do this.

Love and light x   

[Jami]

Hi capn zed,

how are things? You came to my mind several times over the last few days, i hope you're doing well.