Lost

[capn zed]

 My wife of 2 years (4 year total relationship) has been diagnosed with BPD. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I had to let her go last week due to her bringing physical violence into the marriage. She has left me at least once a year since we met. The road with her has been rough and I am trying to pick up the pieces. Im not sure what to say here except that I am lost and I need help to find my way back from her. I dont even know where to begin except to say that the experience has changed me and I dont like the person Ive become.
 I live in a small rural town in the western rocky mountains with no access to mental health services or support groups and I have nowhere to turn. I am dealing with all this alone because no one understands the hell Ive been through. They all just say "its going to be ok" and "you have to be strong" but Ive been strong for years now and Im tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually exhausted.
 If I am in the wrong place then I apologize.

[Mutt]

Hi capn zed,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you've found us.

They all just say "its going to be ok" and "you have to be strong"

I completely understand how invalidating that sounds, sometimes people mean well or they don't know what to say. Everyone's situation is unique and it's not that straight forward that you have to be strong, in fact I think that you should get support, get your story out, grieve the loss and learn what you can from this experience so that you can take what you've learned with you into the next r/s.

Do you have kids together?

Have you heard from her in the last week?

[Stripey77]

Hi

 You're in the right place, not the wrong one, and in time you'll probably see just how much of a right place this is.  We are all here for one another, because in one shape or form we have all been or are going through this hell ourselves.  Please do post away and I'm sure you'll find some help on these pages.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Capn, Yup, you're in the right place.  Those who haven't been in a BPD r/s can't really comprehend what it's like, so I wouldn't pay much attention to those comments.  What is your current situation with your W?  Are you separated?  Still living together?  Do you have kids?  Contemplating divorce?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[chillamom]

Hi, Capn,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I think pretty much everyone on this board can relate to the idea of the "rollercoaster", and yes, well-meaning, sincere friends who just can't fathom why you can't simply "forget about it" don't typically have experience with the personal chaos these relationships can bring about.  Please share more of your story when you are ready, and you will find a great deal of support and understanding, as have I.

[capn zed]

 I am going to copy and paste a message I sent to the person who sent me a welcome message here because I cant think straight and I think it describes my situation pretty well.

My head hurts from all the confusion. I cant seem to complete a thought and trying to describe how I feel is nearly impossible. I haven't slept in days and Im sick to my stomach. I haven't even gone outside since it happened. I am terrified and angry and sad and relieved and... .I could probably name every emotion and state of mind ever uttered and they would all be true. Frankly, I am completely overwhelmed to the point of emotional paralysis. I am a strong human who has seen many tragedies in this life but this one has no clear beginning or end, no logic to it, no motivation or justification, it is so outlandish that I cant make sense of any of it.
 I feel like a child who is just learning to open his eyes to the world and it is an ugly place.

 As for the details of my situation, I am separated as of last Thursday. My wife has left and she has taken everything with her. We share 3 children, 2 of which are grown, One, my daughter by blood, and the other, a boy, is living with her. Our 3rd child is 11 and with her mother as she is not mine by blood so I have no legal claim to her. I am the only daddy shes ever known. My oldest girl, one of the adult children, is living with my mother and I. My mother is elderly and needs constant care and I am permanently disabled.

 I will post more as my head clears but for now this is about all I can manage. I dont know who I am anymore and I dont know how to process all of this so I am reaching out for help because the only thing I am sure of these days, is that I absolutely cannot do this alone.
 Thank you for all the kind comments. They help.

[Emotions]

I described my feeling as if I lost my arms... .that is how I felt the first month or so... .and some of the advice I got from those not dealing with this would have been metaphorically speaking, something like let's play catch (while I had no arms)... .stay strong zed and have faith

[capn zed]

I've been reading for hours now and I think Im even more confused now than I was before. I should have tried harder to get her help. I shouldve done more. I didnt understand what I was dealing with and now I feel like its my fault.

[hopealways]

I am going to copy and paste a message I sent to the person who sent me a welcome message here because I cant think straight and I think it describes my situation pretty well.

My head hurts from all the confusion. I cant seem to complete a thought and trying to describe how I feel is nearly impossible. I haven't slept in days and Im sick to my stomach. I haven't even gone outside since it happened. I am terrified and angry and sad and relieved and... .I could probably name every emotion and state of mind ever uttered and they would all be true. Frankly, I am completely overwhelmed to the point of emotional paralysis. I am a strong human who has seen many tragedies in this life but this one has no clear beginning or end, no logic to it, no motivation or justification, it is so outlandish that I cant make sense of any of it.
 I feel like a child who is just learning to open his eyes to the world and it is an ugly place.

 As for the details of my situation, I am separated as of last Thursday. My wife has left and she has taken everything with her. We share 3 children, 2 of which are grown, One, my daughter by blood, and the other, a boy, is living with her. Our 3rd child is 11 and with her mother as she is not mine by blood so I have no legal claim to her. I am the only daddy shes ever known. My oldest girl, one of the adult children, is living with my mother and I. My mother is elderly and needs constant care and I am permanently disabled.

 I will post more as my head clears but for now this is about all I can manage. I dont know who I am anymore and I dont know how to process all of this so I am reaching out for help because the only thing I am sure of these days, is that I absolutely cannot do this alone.
 Thank you for all the kind comments. They help.

Welcome here! Even though you live in a small town there are still many options and you started in the right place.  Learning about what BPD is and more importantly why you were drawn to her in a great place to begin. Also, many therapists offer services via Skype if you cannot fine one where you live.

What was your childhood like? There is usually a blueprint for being attracted to a BPD lover and it starts with where you began your formative years.

[Lucky Jim]

I should have tried harder to get her help. I shouldve done more. I didnt understand what I was dealing with and now I feel like its my fault.

Hey Cap'n, Who knew?  Give yourself a break.  It's doubtful that she would have agreed to participate in whatever "help" you refer to.  No, it's not your fault.  You didn't cause her to get BPD and you can't cure it.  Don't beat yourself up!

LuckyJim

[Owen]

It really is a heartbreaking situation. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, but I know in the last couple of months that I've been here, so many people have offered their advice and experiences and it's been a tremendous help to me.

You're in the right place. And people here will listen.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[capn zed]

 I am feeling a little stronger today. My head is a mess and my heart is completely broken but I am determined to do what is best for me, even if I have no idea what that is at this point. Thank you all for your support and kind words. They really do help. I was so afraid I was going to have to do this alone.
 She is setting people in her family on me with threats etc. I have blocked all direct communication with her entire family but we share many mutual "friends" who are feeding her narrative of the events that led to this break up. I cant take out no contact orders on the whole valley so Im not sure what to do next. For now, Im just staying neutral and ignoring these attempts to further hurt me by staying home, Ive turned off my phone and I am avoiding social media. I am making no statements to anyone of any kind outside of this forum and my family. I have simply gone silent for the time being.
 Am I doing the right thing?

[Emotions]

The truth is louder than words... .people can say or think anything they want, YOU KNOW the truth of the situation, and fear not, because you can only go up from where you are... .you might stay the same for a bit, but eventually you will start heading upward and onward in life... .perspective will start showing up, and although you will go through many uncomfortable emotions, you WILL GET THROUGH IT... .it sounds like you are handling this with class, keep it up and the truth will set you free!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi capn zed and welcome 

I want to respond to your previous post.

I should have tried harder to get her help. I shouldve done more. I didnt understand what I was dealing with and now I feel like its my fault.

I feel that if your wife was capable of realising her own disordered behaviours and taking responsibility for her actions then she would have been seeking help herself.  You cannot make someone want to do this, no matter how well placed your heart is. 

As for doing more, I'm sure you did more than most would.  We all seem to have been guilty of that to some degree.  Those of us who have been in these relationships tend to take on a caregiver/rescuer role with our partners and will keep trying long after those who know and love us would suggest is healthy.  You would not be feeling physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted if you hadn't given it your all. 

Most anyone who hasn't been through another relationship like this would not understand what they are dealing with under these circumstances.  Even those who HAVE been there before can fail to see that things are heading in the same direction, so don't feel bad that you didn't recognise the reasons for the dysfunction.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD can feel somewhat 'dreamlike' in that you can be carried along by the tidal waves of their emotions, good or bad.  It's hard to understand pretty much anything when you are in the midst of this.

In a relationship there are two parties and both contribute to the dynamic.  You cannot take ownership of the other person's thoughts, feelings or behaviours.  You're only responsible for your own.  We could all sit and dissect every interaction and lay sole blame on ourselves for how things went, yet one thing is unchangeable and that is the fact that another person is also involved.  Please don't feel responsible for her disorder.  Nobody is. 

The past can't be altered for you I'm afraid.  However, the future can and things can and will get better with your new knowledge, building on that, along with your self awareness and the right support.  I'm so glad you came here.  We will help you all we can, on that you can rely.

I'd encourage you to take a good look at the lessons (links to the right) which will help you to see that what you're experiencing right now is to be expected and will in time pass.  The articles on the site have worked wonders for me in my own journey too.  Keep reading and posting, it helps.

Love and light x   

[capn zed]

 Its been 7 days today. Im exhausted and just numb. I keep trying to cry but its like my eyes are broken, they just wont let it happen. I just sit here and stare at the wall. Sleep is also elusive because every time I close my eyes that last night plays over and over like a broken record. My head is swimming with everything that has happened over the last 4 years. The thoughts collide so hard in my head they almost cancel each other out. Ive been talking to some friends but they just seem to have nothing to offer me that helps. I dont need "I told you so" or " shes done this before to others" or any other "sage advice" from them. They dont get it. Hell, I dont get it and I was there.
 I have been reading as much as I can but my eyes are hard to focus and I've had a headache for days.

[Emotions]

If you want to research trauma bonds, a lot of us went through them including me... .it does get better in time though, have faith brother

[Phoenix41]

It will get easier. It just takes time. It's been a year and 3 months and I am still healing. The first three months were the hardest. I went over and over the last weekend in my mind. I blamed myself for everything, because I didn't recognize the mental illness when I was enmeshed in the relationship. I was used to being blamed.

I also promised I would never leave. I promised for 15 years, until I couldn't keep that promise anymore. You're not wrong to leave. You are so accustomed to putting her before yourself that it feels wrong. I felt guilty and physically sick as well when I left. Couldn't sleep, eat, cried every day. Believe me, I understand.

What I can offer is this. Right now what you can't see because of the pain and the regret and the loss is this. Your life can be vastly different. It won't always feel like this. You will get better, you will feel better. There is joy out there waiting.

You don't have to spend your days on this earth hurting, being confused and stressed.

So much of what you wrote resonated with my experience. I didn't know who I was when I left. I didn't understand that he was sick, that it was a mental illness.  I felt guilty. This board helped keep me sane and helped me understand what I went through, and that I wasn't alone.

Hang in there. Keep writing. There's a lot of support here.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that your friends don't understand, it's invalidating to be told I told you so. It helps to write your story down , this is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated.

[capn zed]

 Im not sure if I should post this here or start a new thread. I was instructed to post my story so here goes.

 I am capn zed
 And this is my story.

 I met her 4 years and 3 months ago. I was just getting out of a marriage that had lasted almost 8 years to a woman who decided she wanted other things in this world. It was a peaceful divorce.
 I was in a state of mind that demanded total, brutal honesty. She was perfect. She listened without judgement. She spoke of things very familiar to me. Had I found "the one"?
 I fell in love almost immediately but I held my ground and my distance for several months before succumbing to the ache my heart developed when I couldnt be with her. 7 months into the relationship we had our first major event. She became extremely violent after drinking heavy and I ended up in a life flight helicopter headed for the regional trauma center with a concussion and a fractured eye socket.
 I forgave her almost immediately the following day because I honestly believed it was a result of too much alcohol. She and I swore off alcohol and after a few weeks, we got back together. From then on it was a series of months of heaven followed by days of outburts and accusations, like someone would just flip a switch in her and she would go from the most perfect woman Ive ever known to "a woman scorned" instantly with no provocation whatsoever. We were married after 2 years of dating. There were times, at least once a year after that, when she would fight with me over things that were so outlandish and then leave, usually ending up with other men.
 After each time, when we would split up, usually after a month or more, she would start contacting me again. She would say all the right things to get me to lower my guard and agree to talk again. During those times she would be almost angelic in her words and actions and I loved her. Of course, I would always take her back with her promises of change and amends. Promises, but no substance. After a few short months it would all start again, usually around the end of summer, early fall. Last year in November she did it again, only this time she ran all the way across the country. We didnt speak for several weeks after she left but innevitably, she contacted me saying she missed me and how it was my fault and she was sorry but she had to. We talked for a couple weeks by phone and decided that we wanted to try again so on Christmas eve I drove through a snowstorm, all the way to Salt Lake City to catch the only flight they had to where she was and, forgetting all the past and with high hopes for us, boarded the plane to our future.
 I have never in my entire life been happier than I have been over these last 5 months, since I convinced her to return to our sleepy little mountain town. It was absolute heaven. Our kids were happy and doing amazing, we were happy and doing amazing.
 Last thursday it all came crashing down around an argument she started with me about sex. We have enjoyed a healthy intimacy throughout our relationship so the basis for her arguement once again made no sense. She allowed herself to escalate to physical violence and I was forced to involve the police.
 I have spent the last 4 years giving myself completely to a woman who couldnt love me back. I have lived in a constant state of fear of her leaving again for no reason. I have destroyed myself to the point I dont know who I am anymore trying to accomodate her irrational fears. I am so full of resentment and anger. I am full of fear for our children.
 I am doing my best to pick up the pieces. I cannot afford any more of the rollercoaster. I have nothing left to give. In a word, I am exhausted.
 I know it is only a matter of time before I hear her familiar, apologetic voice. I know its innevitable that she will one day find a way to contact me again and I think that is what terrifies me most. The constant jekyl and hyde.
 She was the most beautiful, sensitive, understanding woman I have ever encountered and she was the most venomous, hateful, violent woman Ive ever known.
 I know what I have to do. I just dont want to do it. I have to move on from the most powerful love I have ever known and find myself again. I have to let her go but my heart wont listen.
 This is only an overview of my story but it is the best I can do right now. My head hurts, my eyes burn from all the tears and my heart aches.
 I am so tired. I wish I could sleep. Its been 7 days now and so far I have witnessed every sunset and sunrise since. I dont feel any better but then, it is still pretty fresh.
 I will do my best to be patient with myself, I will not give in to the temptation to call her or text her, and I will try to remember to just breathe.
 Thank you all for your support here. I never imagined a place like this existed, or that I would ever need such a place but I am, nonetheless, grateful.

[Mutt]

I know what I have to do. I just dont want to do it. I have to move on from the most powerful love I have ever known and find myself again. I have to let her go but my heart wont listen.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, I know that it can be emotionally difficult to process loss and to talk about it. I think that you can let chapters of your story out slowly, over time and eventually get it all out. Your heart hasn't caught up to your head yet, listen to the logical part of your mind, you have support here friend, we'll walk with you though this. Hang in there.

[capn zed]

So it begins

 She tried to get a hold of me this morning. I am trying to resist the urge to see what she wanted. Truth is, I already know. We've been here before, several times. It confuses me how I can know this but still have such an overpowering urge to volunteer for more.
 For now, my senses are intact and I am able to resist. I will keep reaching out to those with my best interest at heart for support.
 
 God this hurts so bad.

[Conundrum]

Hullo Zed, disordered pollen germinates into indelible, broken fruit buds. When partaking of that apple from the disordered Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, we invite disorder into our lives. Yet, who will manage it? Whose responsibility is it to manage the swirling storm? The power of the wind may make us soar high. But like Icarus we flew too near the sun on wings of wax.

These relationships are trade-offs. One that we must clearly perceive. We have made a bargain, or pact. One that both enhances and diminishes. One that both enflames and burns.

The trick is not to be consumed. Though, often we fly too near the sun.

There is no ordered relationship, without structure. There is no functionality without order. For chaos reigns. A chaotic bond is a disordered bond--more often than not, one unsuited for marriage.

Yet, we trace our destiny lines with these otherworldly beings, afraid to differentiate between want and need.

All your suffering, emanating from your words, and truly it is a horrible story--no one should have to suffer an orbital fracture from the one they love/trust above all others. That is abuse.

Yet, how do we recover?

We restore ourselves by being what they cannot be (at least not without hard won self-awareness coupled with protracted evidence based therapies), through authenticity.

Having dignity for self--expressly entails differentiating btwn want and need. Every one of us here on this board has at one time conflated the two. Fooling ourselves, to such extremes that many lost their way in the most damaging out-of-character ways.

However, to sacrifice our inalienable rights upon a disordered pyre of want is a gross disservice to one's self and children.

These troubled souls are best appreciated in limited doses. They are not ordered entities able to fulfill a companion's hopes and dreams in perpetuity. That is asking too much from a swirling storm. When the eye of the storm keeps shifting, calm cannot be found.

Enchanting illusions, wishful thinking... . A dream weaver will take you there if you are compliant. Until you find your wings melting in the sun, and they are gone.

I wish you peace. Small steps will climb a mountain.              

[capn zed]

Conundrum,  I am speechless.

All I can say is,  thank you.

[Mutt]

It confuses me how I can know this but still have such an overpowering urge to volunteer for more.
 

That's called FOG Fear Obligation Guilt, you're still in the FOG, it takes time for the FOG to lift.

[Harley Quinn]

I know you're exhausted and have been feeling so much pain.  This is why I want to share with you one article that made a big difference to me at the right moment, when I felt at my lowest ebb, hurt, weak and confused.  If you haven't already read this one, I hope this might help you somewhat right now in gathering renewed strength to stay with your goal, by recognising any of these thoughts you may be holding onto.  It gave me some perspective and pulled me back from the brink more than once by reminding me of what my head knew and my heart wanted so desperately to ignore.  That our experience of our relationships and our partners' experiences of them were vastly different.  So we weren't really 'together', if that makes sense? 

Here is the link for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I hope that this is also helpful to you and if nothing else, allows you to see a little way through to the other side of the looking glass.

If you are seeing the sun rise tomorrow, make it a wonderfully life affirming experience for yourself.  Really see it.  Enjoy the moment.  Be present.  Give yourself this blessing of being absolutely here for it.  These things add up.

Love and light x 

[capn zed]

Today has been rough. The urge to reach out is strong today. Im afraid if I dont tell on myself I will remain vulnerable and I cannot afford to break n/c. I have been reading as much as I can and I know how harmful it would be to reach out to her. It seems there is some insanity of my own to deal with.

I know she is bad for me, so why do I feel the need to contact her so strongly? Why cant I just let go and move on? It feels irrational yet it persists. I feel out of control emotionally. All this is so foreign to me. How did she do this to me? Or did I do it to myself? So many questions... .So much pain inside. Im doing my best to get it out but it seems I produce more than I shed. How do I turn the tables in my head and take back my self control?

As of this moment I am still maintaining n/c but i am afraid. Afraid that I will succumb to the pain of missing her. I absolutely cannot afford to screw this up.

[roberto516]

Today has been rough. The urge to reach out is strong today. Im afraid if I dont tell on myself I will remain vulnerable and I cannot afford to break n/c. I have been reading as much as I can and I know how harmful it would be to reach out to her. It seems there is some insanity of my own to deal with.

I know she is bad for me, so why do I feel the need to contact her so strongly? Why cant I just let go and move on? It feels irrational yet it persists. I feel out of control emotionally. All this is so foreign to me. How did she do this to me? Or did I do it to myself? So many questions... .So much pain inside. Im doing my best to get it out but it seems I produce more than I shed. How do I turn the tables in my head and take back my self control?

As of this moment I am still maintaining n/c but i am afraid. Afraid that I will succumb to the pain of missing her. I absolutely cannot afford to screw this up.

These intense rushes of dopamine in the idealization phase have created an addiction in us. That's why these days of trying to go NC can be absolutely brutal. It's an emotional withdrawal we go through. That won't necessarily help you right now but is completely normal what is happening.

You are taking back control by sharing here. And it makes sense that the pain seems to be never ending. There's a lot of it. There's probably a lot of suppressed and repressed stuff that is coming out from years and years and years ago now that the damn has burst with this relationship. It's not easy. But it does go away. The brain will be rewired back to a more normal baseline with time. But it will take longer if you indulge even just a little bit with your "fix" whether it's contact, meeting up, etc etc.

Stay strong. Take comfort knowing you are changing as I type this.

[capn zed]

Im feeling a little stronger today. The thoughts of her still plague me constantly but the urge to contact is waning. I had to drive by her house today, since its the only way out of the valley, and I only wanted to stop in for a split second in my head and then it was gone. I drove on by and then back again a few hours later and I managed to get through it without breaking n/c or having an emotional breakdown.

My first little victory.

[Mutt]

Good for you   Keep pausing and validating these little victories, you'll notice that they'll add up.

[Harley Quinn]

Congratulations!  It took me about 6 weeks before I put the knives back in the kitchen and I can still remember my feeling of triumph.  Such a small thing in itself yet how freeing!  These moments as Mutt says, add up over time until one day you think 'wow, I am stronger now'.  Be proud of yourself.

Love and light x