Hi Hopenfaith

My udd absolutely lost it at a family function a few years ago and the police were almost called because she actually physically attacked someone. Times before that she always seemed to feign some kind of sudden illness at large family events. The bigger the event it seemed that there was often more chance of something happening. Over the years  I definitely saw a pattern with my dd. The longer she seemed to stay in one place around the same people(including  around me) there seemed to be a greater chance of her having some kind of emotional breakdown. Maybe your dd was feeling overstimulated or someone/something was simply getting on her nerves at the time. There is no way of knowing until we ask. If your dd denies everything then It may be helpful to offer her a chance to take a break somehow by maybe by being on her own for a while or changing location or activity.

i hope I don't open up to "grief", however, my 24 y/o pw BPD started DBT therapy a year ago...coincidentally, that is when she stopped speaking to me, my husband, her sister & cut off contact with her beloved nieces; she told me she needed to seperate herself from the trauma & memories (I do not recall ANY trauma in our house (we had STRESS like any family) anyway...that is all I know about it, I am not saying it is good or bad

a few things to touch on here.

it is an urban legend that if you ask yourself if you have BPD or NPD, that it is an indicator that you dont have it.

people with personality disorders, like most people, are capable of introspection (to varying degrees of course), capable of recognizing that they have struggled emotionally and in relationships for their entire lives, and recognizing that something might be wrong.

think about it. if the diagnosable werent capable of asking themselves these things, how would they ever be diagnosed?

the second is that 50% of romantic partners of someone with a personality disorder have one themselves. men that date women with bpd traits, overwhelmingly, present narcissistic/codependent traits.

if youre on here asking yourself, it really behooves you to explore, and not outright dismiss the idea, because it can color, and speak to, the relationships we choose, remain in, struggle with. relationships with friends may not always be the best comparison or indicator; by design, they are less complex, less stressful, less fraught with all the difficulties that can happen behind closed doors in a romantic relationship. very much like how BPD traits may go entirely unnoticed in most aspects of a persons life, but be more obvious to those that are close, and especially in times of stress. romantic relationships test us, stress us, and our issues mix together, in ways that even life long friendships may not.

lastly, narcissism is probably the most thrown around, and least understood/most poorly understood mental health term in the world right now. it is very easy to glance at a list of symptoms (the DSM recommends against this) and diagnose anyone you are in conflict with, as acting entitled, lacking empathy, being grandiose, etc, and everyone in the world is doing it. so, an ex throwing it at you is not a very reliable indicator of anything other than a broken relationship, intractable conflict, and a person with a lot of resentment. this is indeed incredibly common. i probably see someone on social media calling an ex a narcissist 5 times a day.

two people in a broken relationship, or one that has ended, seeing hypocrisy and other undesirable characteristics in each other, and leveling "youre the one with the problem", is not the same thing as projection. its more like two people fighting with each other saying "youre the narcissist", "no YOURE the narcissist", "no YOU are". take narcissism, or whatever insult out of the equation, and you just have one or both parties offloading blame on the other.

thats what youre dealing with, OP. a continuation of the relationship conflict. the charges themselves arent very important (at least not anymore), are her perception, and represent her coping with it.

for that reason, and the fact that youve discussed it with a professional, the idea that you are "a narcissist" is probably not one thats worth putting much stock in. at the same time, i would discourage you from "it isnt me, its her thats the problem" thinking; that in itself is a way of coping, and doesnt teach us anything we can actually learn and use in future relationships. a dysfunctional relationship does not exist without two people contributing and taking part in it. if you dont want a repeat, make that your focus, ignore the rest.

McLean Hospital uses DBT in their youth programs for BPD, PTSD, and suicidality. McLean is often considered as providing the gold standard of BPD care, so if they provide DBT, I would suspect some level of success. Check out their site and watch some of their patient videos when you get a chance.

The website dbtselfhelp.com has free online resources, though I'm not sure that they're specifically designed for teens. Could be worth a look.

Glad the validation is helpful. Like you, I took an NPD and BPD quiz, asked my therapist if I was either...and she specializes in narcissistic abuse. Of course she said no, you are very high in emotional IQ. We all wonder if it is us, both because of the crazy making and the accusations. Another bullseye hit on your part!

Magical thinking is as well, something I was accused of out of the blue. Her best friend is an astrologer, and she mocked me having The Secret book (I was just curious during its run in the headlines).

Kells mentions the reliance on email above, and that was my ex's preferred method of really getting at me too. And her ex-h as well. She loved to sit and craft and carefully argued and highly delusional account of things, and all the ways I wronged her.

Thank you for sharing. And I’m sorry for your situation as well. But you appear to be at peace with it too. And I appreciate that. I also appreciate what you are saying about keeping my own identity. I have felt like the giving tree to the point of just having a stump left. But those were choices I am responsible for. And she and her mom are responsible for their behaviors. I can’t control that and have to focus on my own well being and identity. I have got a breaking point and will be loving yet detached and enforcing healthy boundaries and lowering my expectations/not having any. Time to rely on Faith and surrendering to God’s plan and holding firm.

But mom is still together with step-dad...at least for appearances?  That's bizarre, why would step-dad be there and act so dad-like if she was with another guy?

And if mom is doing that while going through the home inspections, the reported violence, the potential custody stuff...wow.  It can't be a boyfriend, can it?

The boundaries that I keep repeating are “respect, kindness, and trust” in all communications on text or phone and in my house. And that these apply to me and to those I care about (family, girlfriend, friends etc). I’m trying to keep it super simple and applicable to how she treats me. I’ve also made it clear that unless it is an emergency, she cannot expect me to just drop everything at the last minute. She has had a habit of calling me over and over during work hours and then lashing out when I cannot answer her calls or texts immediately within minutes b/c I’m on work calls. She says “you don’t care about me. You’re a bad dad and you make up that you’re busy, etc”. I’ve reinforced that I cannot answer right away if I’m busy with work unless it is an emergency.

She’s asked for $ from other family members when she’s spent her allowance and I’ve communicated with her cousins father (my brother) and shut that down. I’ve had to let everyone know in my family what is going on, and boundaries I am enforcing to not allow for further abuse.

Most recently, she lashed out at me b/c I wouldn’t give her extra $ after she spent her allowance. And it spiraled into all sorts of demands for her birthday gifts—wanting a pool at my new house, 2 different pairs of limited edition Jordan shoes for over $1000 each,, a trampoline party, six flags with speed passes for her and her friends, a super expensive $500 hoodie and so on. She said if I didn’t give her what she wanted that she didn’t want to come for the weekend. I finally said nope, then don’t come and that you can’t be at my house unless you can be respectful, kind, and trustworthy. Which then turned into me being neglectful, cruel, abusive, an awful father, and denying her a home and making her feel unwanted by both her and her BPD mom. But I held the line. At my breaking point. Her BPD mom sent notes to my 77 year old mother saying she’s an awful mother and that I’m an awful father etc. And is telling anyone that will listen the same. Mind you, I’ve gone above and beyond for my daughter and her mom for almost 15 years.

In the past I’d finally give in. Not anymore.

 

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358382.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

It's really painful to be in a situation where you feel "forced" to watch a loved one (or former loved one) hurt, and there's nothing you can do about it. Feeling powerless in the face of these things happening to your ex must be excruciating. These are hard feelings to sit with.

Feeling powerless, impotent, or unable to effect control in a situation hits some buttons for me that go way back to childhood -- especially when the powerlessness is somehow connected to being "trapped" in the situation. It's one thing for me to feel like "I can't do anything about X, but I could walk away"; it's another level when I feel like "I can't do anything about X, but I'm stuck here watching this go down".

I wonder if any of that is going on for you, too? Is this hitting some old wounds, or is that off base?

What do you wish you could do, in an ideal world?