This is very common. I have been called a narcissist, I had a private session with the couples therapist. She told me I was 100% not as I was asking questions, and taking responsibilities for things I did wrong. She said a narcissist will not take responsibility, or question themselves. They are always right. Their truth is the absolute truth. Which ironically or not is how my wife is..

Remember accusations can be confessions with BPD/NPD.

Don’t tell her there is no baby, talk about things that help her to possibly realize it herself (hopefully).

Dear Gigi213,

This is heartbreaking, I’m sure you realize that she needs help. Is there anyone you think she could talk with or you perhaps?
I don’t think you should go against her ‘delusion’, because she may in fact think it’s real. I fear for her own safety, and definitely believe that she needs to be in a safe situation where she can be properly assessed and treated.

The question is how to go about it. If possible, I think you or someone she would talk with should go to her, she’s calling out in pain. Talk with her about her feelings, and maybe help her to realize that there is not a baby, and calmly take her to get ice cream or something  and take her to a prearranged facility. This might be someplace you get referred to after meeting with a professional about the situation. You might be able to go to a hospital and meet with a case worker who can help.

She needs help, not punishment.

Wishing you the best and praying for you both.

Good day, everyone. It's been a few years since I posted, but I've checked in at times over the years when issues have come up that I needed to research. I'm now asking for some perspective.

Recap: Divorced my ex-wife with quiet BPD traits in 2020. We have a daughter who is now almost 11. 50/50 custody, following a schedule that splits the week down the middle.

Current problem: Over time, I have realized that my ex uses our daughter as a prop to gain positive attention and perhaps to secure attachment to the ex's SO du jour. For example, whatever hobby or interest the SO has, D11 is expected to participate/show interest. When SO was into animals.... D11 wanted to be a big cat rescue habitat employee. When SO was LGBTQIA2+.... D11 was nonbinary.  Current SO is into pagan practices... D11 comes home wearing crystals.

Currently D11 is back to not knowing what she wants to do when she grows up. When she is with me, she identifies as female but nonbinary when she's with her mom.

I worry that D11's own developing sense of self is at risk.....and I don't know how to protect her. Nothing has happened that I can bring to court to push for majority or sole custody.

I have worked towards establishing a therapeutic relationship between D11 and a local counselor. Right now she checks in every couple of months; therapist tells me that she is as well adjusted as any of her other clients. Therapist understands the concerns about BPD (she's my therapist too...) and the rest of D11's medical team is on board. So I at least have that in my corner. D11 and I have a strong relationship as well.

My library includes Understanding the Borderline Mother; Surviving a Borderline Parent; Walking on Eggshells; Search for the Real Self; Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations*; Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent; and a few others, but I haven't found any answers that deal with this particular scenario.

1) Do I keep on with the status quo, hoping that the coming teenage years will help solidify D11's sense of self?
2) If not, aside from therapy visits and giving D11 space to be her own person when she is with me....what else can I do? What have you done that worked for you and your children?

Thank you for your time.
-Justdrive

*By the way, this was the best book I found when I was trying to research BPD post divorce. I got a lot out of it as a layperson. 5 of 5 stars, would recommend.

Anyone run into this? 

My ex who is off the charts BPD and has traits of covert narcissism herself, has decided to start a narrative about me (she has many false narratives about me) and say that I am a narcissist.

I did take a look at myself and wonder if any of it was correct. Why not?  But I just don’t see it and nor do those around me.

Just seems like yet another tactic by her to project onto me. Has anyone ended here encountered this?

We're talking about mental health and every situation is unique, so there are no steadfast answers.  With that said, some do remain friends after a breakup and sometimes they will get back together...then break up...then get back together again.  The problem is the mental health aspect itself that causes the chaos; it's not the relationship itself sometimes.  Disordered thinking is what's behind all of this and it's impossible to predict how/why some things happen.

Your daughter is seriously mentally ill and delusional. It may be possible to get the mental health authorities in your area to do an emergency home visit to evaluate your daughter for an emergency psychiatric hold in a mental health facility.

I did what you describe. Except I was permitted to not disclose where I lived. The caveat was that I was told by my L to put our son on the phone (9 at the time) the evening I left and to send a message when I left that S9 was safe.

Your ex may call it kidnapping but it isn't.

Kidnapping is what happens when courts are involved, and I believe only once custody has been determined.

My ex was rightfully shocked and I know it hurt him deeply. He was also not a safe person to be around and there are consequences for unchecked behaviors, like moving you and your child somewhere safe.

He also rotated through every response imaginable. Agreeable and persuasive. Furious and retaliatory. Sly and manipulative. He pleaded and threatened in the same sentence. He accepted that he hadn't been "easy to live with" the same day he called me the c word.

It's a good idea to have a plan for what you'll do those first 24 hours and the week after.

Depending on how disordered he gets, that week can be a real roller coaster. Especially if there are substances involved.

I`ll join jaded7 in recognizing your good work!

Glad to hear that you found a therapist that feels like the right fit for you. I`m sorry that you had to wait so long to see her! I think that it`s normal to still hold on to hope, despite what the logical part of your brain is telling you. It`s part of being human for emotions to lead at times, and it`s not a bad thing that you still have an open heart. Don`t be hard on yourself, you`re taking the steps to reach a point of balance where you not only drop this particular hope, and replace it with hope for a better future for yourself.

It makes total sense that your ex`s actions hurt and confused you. I think you should be proud of asserting yourself by saying how you felt. His actions truly have, as jaded7 pointed out, more to do with him than they do with you. If you take a step back, you can see all the indications of his limited capacity to understand the consequences of his actions. That isn`t a stable basis to build a relationship on.

No contact is a tool amongst many that can help with detaching. Going stone cold on someone you cared very much about might not be the approach that works for you (as it does for others), and that`s perfectly okay. I can relate to you on this, and I`m sure others can as well. I personally recognize that it would distress me more than it would help me.  And that`s the key point; you have to focus on what works for you.  That empathy and caring that would make it so hard for you to go no contact are in their own way also your own unique strengths. They can also be hurtful, as you`ve experienced, when it comes to protecting your own heart. It sounds like you`re taking the steps towards letting go not out of malice or anger, but out of kindness to yourself. You deserve happiness too.

Yes, this sounds a lot like what the lawyer I talked to told me. She emphasized that I need to have my daughter "in [my] possession" when I leave," and that if my husband calls the cops, they probably won't do anything.

It sounds like what I'll have to do is get an apartment (or some other decent place to stay like a hotel or friend's house), and then take her (and my cats) there while husband is at work. He'll come home to find us gone and a note left for him, freak out, maybe call the cops, but the cops at most will do a "welfare check" on me but otherwise stay out of it.

She said that it can take a month or two for court orders to go through. I hope it won't take him more than that long to calm down.