gaherna3, what a series of blows, my heart goes out to you. Know that you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

Not all people can show up and fulfill the baseline duties of a parent. We grieve for them -- this is not the natural order of things. But your daughter has one parent who can show up for her. It's you. Even with all you've been through you are thinking of her and how she will feel.

She is your priority now. In her own way, mom has shown she has the ability to get the resources she needs, whether it's someone other than you or hospital services. It's a dire situation because she is not emotionally capable of caring for herself and that makes her unfit to properly care for your daughter.

Someone said to me that my job was to keep my son safe. It helped me manage the guilt of caring for then leaving the broken man who was his father. Many of us try to take care of child and BPD partner and often this is just not possible. It is one or the other, not both.

Thanks for the insights! My uBPDx is very invested in performing the role of victim, so I could see something similar happening in our case.

OFW does seem like a decent tool, but it does seem it's likely of limited use if both parties don't buy into it. I like your suggestion of adding it into the divorce decree, though, so that it is required. I'll talk to my lawyer about that.

Like you mentioned earlier, what about checking on the report status? Maybe there is a way to add new information. 

Do the kids describe mom and stepdad as polyamorous? I'm guessing they don't talk about much but I mean ... how confusing to not know who is together and how. 

SD16's behaviors towards you and H remind me of my stepkids at their events. They move between both sets of parents without fear of retribution from mom. But if and when mom reels them in it's a doozy and the kids will look traumatized.

Do you think it would fly to (casually) ask SD16 about burly guy?

I seem to inhabit the role of info seeking in our blended dynamic. Things H can't ask (to avoid putting the kids in the middle) don't seem to apply to me in the same way. Is it like that for you kells76?

I can ask the kids different things specific to our individual relationships and they consider those conversations safe and/or neutral. The vibe is more casual drive-by curiosity and the responses are what you would expect, not super deep. But sometimes H/my radars pick up a situation that we know could impact the kids and the extra info can go a long way.

Methuen,
I am wondering about perhaps if it would help you to start another thread on possible solutions to getting your mother checked on so you can go travel and/or retire. You are the expert on your situation and I realize many of the suggestions of course, will not fit with your situation. It seems that getting medical personnel to check on your mother is no longer an option.

Most states require mediation attempts soon after the initial temp order is in place.  I emphasize attempts.  Most mediations in our intractable cases do fail - mine did after one session - and that's okay.  Why?  Because if mediation succeeded then we likely Gifted Away far too much, either financially or parenting-wise.

Remember, success in mediation does not depend on us, it depends on reasonable negotiation and at the start of a divorce most pwBPD are far too entitled and controlling.  However, since courts are reluctant to make too many decisions and let cases meander on and on, a surprising number of our cases to reach some sort of settlement typically just before a major hearing or trial.

That makes sense, but I also see it as a red flag for that first lawyer. She said it like she was reassuring me that since 85% of cases are settled in mediation, mine probably will too.

The third lawyer, who is the one I'll probably go with, seemed to realize it probably won't, given what I'd described. She even said that, given what I've described, I'm going to have to pay a higher retainer upfront, unfortunately. But at least it seemed like they'd be prepared for a high-conflict divorce and it sounded like they'd handled similar cases before.

That's probably why my therapist recommended them. She used them when she divorced her ex who she thinks had Narccisistic Personality Disorder.

In my state, they're required to at least try mediation, though. Who knows? Maybe my husband will realize that it will save him a lot of money to do it that way instead of going to trial.

my granddaughters' mom (NO relation to me) thinks she is BPD

She has little episodes all the time (my daughter is BPD, so, at least I sort of have an idea of how to handle it) the worst was when she screamed horrible things to me, when I was picking up the kids for the weekend (b/c HER child forgot something in the house!) that was a pretty bad one (she called & apologized and of course, said it was okay to take the kids; it was awkward though, because the kids were sad

Hi Hopenfaith

My udd absolutely lost it at a family function a few years ago and the police were almost called because she actually physically attacked someone. Times before that she always seemed to feign some kind of sudden illness at large family events. The bigger the event it seemed that there was often more chance of something happening. Over the years  I definitely saw a pattern with my dd. The longer she seemed to stay in one place around the same people(including  around me) there seemed to be a greater chance of her having some kind of emotional breakdown. Maybe your dd was feeling overstimulated or someone/something was simply getting on her nerves at the time. There is no way of knowing until we ask. If your dd denies everything then It may be helpful to offer her a chance to take a break somehow by maybe by being on her own for a while or changing location or activity.

i hope I don't open up to "grief", however, my 24 y/o pw BPD started DBT therapy a year ago...coincidentally, that is when she stopped speaking to me, my husband, her sister & cut off contact with her beloved nieces; she told me she needed to seperate herself from the trauma & memories (I do not recall ANY trauma in our house (we had STRESS like any family) anyway...that is all I know about it, I am not saying it is good or bad

a few things to touch on here.

it is an urban legend that if you ask yourself if you have BPD or NPD, that it is an indicator that you dont have it.

people with personality disorders, like most people, are capable of introspection (to varying degrees of course), capable of recognizing that they have struggled emotionally and in relationships for their entire lives, and recognizing that something might be wrong.

think about it. if the diagnosable werent capable of asking themselves these things, how would they ever be diagnosed?

the second is that 50% of romantic partners of someone with a personality disorder have one themselves. men that date women with bpd traits, overwhelmingly, present narcissistic/codependent traits.

if youre on here asking yourself, it really behooves you to explore, and not outright dismiss the idea, because it can color, and speak to, the relationships we choose, remain in, struggle with. relationships with friends may not always be the best comparison or indicator; by design, they are less complex, less stressful, less fraught with all the difficulties that can happen behind closed doors in a romantic relationship. very much like how BPD traits may go entirely unnoticed in most aspects of a persons life, but be more obvious to those that are close, and especially in times of stress. romantic relationships test us, stress us, and our issues mix together, in ways that even life long friendships may not.

lastly, narcissism is probably the most thrown around, and least understood/most poorly understood mental health term in the world right now. it is very easy to glance at a list of symptoms (the DSM recommends against this) and diagnose anyone you are in conflict with, as acting entitled, lacking empathy, being grandiose, etc, and everyone in the world is doing it. so, an ex throwing it at you is not a very reliable indicator of anything other than a broken relationship, intractable conflict, and a person with a lot of resentment. this is indeed incredibly common. i probably see someone on social media calling an ex a narcissist 5 times a day.

two people in a broken relationship, or one that has ended, seeing hypocrisy and other undesirable characteristics in each other, and leveling "youre the one with the problem", is not the same thing as projection. its more like two people fighting with each other saying "youre the narcissist", "no YOURE the narcissist", "no YOU are". take narcissism, or whatever insult out of the equation, and you just have one or both parties offloading blame on the other.

thats what youre dealing with, OP. a continuation of the relationship conflict. the charges themselves arent very important (at least not anymore), are her perception, and represent her coping with it.

for that reason, and the fact that youve discussed it with a professional, the idea that you are "a narcissist" is probably not one thats worth putting much stock in. at the same time, i would discourage you from "it isnt me, its her thats the problem" thinking; that in itself is a way of coping, and doesnt teach us anything we can actually learn and use in future relationships. a dysfunctional relationship does not exist without two people contributing and taking part in it. if you dont want a repeat, make that your focus, ignore the rest.