I believe Our Family Wizard (OFW) can be found with an internet search but works best when those communications are available to be monitored by family/domestic court, a parenting coordinator if available, a Guardian ad Litem (GAL - lawyer for the kids), etc.  If you do it without official support and direction, your ex may not cooperate with that solution.  And communicating everything child related through the lawyers can get quite expensive without accomplishing much.

I didn't use OFW or similar.  In fact my ex blocked my email just as we were separating.  It remained blocked for many years, for all I know it may still be blocked since she claimed not to know how to unblock me - and our son aged out of the court system four years ago when he became an adult.  She preferred phone calls... the better to continue ranting and raging.  Recently she's been using text.

We have quite a few Tools and Skills Workshops articles on that other board.  There are various approaches and strategies described there.  JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work well with high emotions, so browse for BIFF, SET, DEARMAN, etc.

Not blocked*** but she turned off her phone most likely.

I pretty much said I understood how she feels and I'm here to listen and she said she doesn't care about me anyway (because I don't care about her) and I got blocked. "Devaluation" or whatever. I am talking to friends, working out, et cetera. Just focusing on myself, all I can do.

Hi Tina! I appreciate you just sharing that you notice this with yourself, too. It makes me feel less alone. I think it makes sense that this can change depending on the person you're interacting with and just with time and different circumstances. I think I avoided any personal connection with my mother because if I showed her vulnerability it was always used later, so I couldn't trust her kindness. I've always had a secure attachment with my father, but now that I'm older and I see the dynamic better, I can see more clearly that he similarly used guilt and obligation on my mother and my brothers to get things done for him. So now that my mother has passed, I am feeling myself become more avoidant with him. I was pretty closed off in my friendships but as I became an adult I started to realize that most people aren't out to manipulate you to get their needs met, so it became more secure and I'm so thankful for that. Realizing I can be honest about how I feel and put it out there and they often open up too has been a huge part of my own progress. I'm also very motivated by what helps others, and one of my friends said that me telling her how much I was struggling surprised her, and it made it easier for her to then tell me everything she was going through really opened my eyes to what being closed off keeps us all from.

And I agree, I think at least at this point I need to let that person figure themselves out and what they want. If I try to help I think I'll just get hurt. I don't want to go backwards in my recovery from these codependent patterns, and I definitely feel these things being activated here. The level of sadness I felt about all of this has taken me by surprise, and I appreciate the reminder that it's okay to be sad. I had a period where I kind of cycled between crying and feeling completely frozen by my own feelings for like a week. And now that I reflect on it, I realize that forming new friendships and rebuilding older ones has helped me get back in touch with my own feelings. I think my relationship with my husband has been so devastating over the years that I just shut off all of the pain surrounding it to get through the day and survive. I think the pain of this potential friendship ending has helped me feel grief in general for a lot of the losses in my life...and I've had a lot of them. I think it's helping me feel some grief about my marriage, and what I thought all of this was going to be. I have been looking more at my own day to day reality, free from my own fantasy about things magically getting better if I just love him hard enough and keeping "momming" him. And this is no way to live. I'm feeling it more, but it's always been like this, I just kept distracting until now.

I think I am going to continue to reflect on my own behaviors in relationships, and also will reflect on why I don’t feel more taken advantage of and have more hesitancy about continuing a relationship with someone after it becomes clear that they are not putting in the same effort that I am. I would really like to be able to emotionally feel like this is a dealbreaker for me, but I don’t quite feel that yet. But I'm starting to at least act like someone who feels that way, and I'll just hope the feelings catch up when I see that not giving away all the best parts of myself and my time to people who don't appreciate it makes me feel less miserable. People who aren’t working on their own recoveries are probably going to see my efforts for them as reasons to not change, because why should they change if they are getting everything they want without any effort?

I think the positive that I am seeing in all of this is I am slowly choosing better habits, and I am slowly building a better life for myself. I still have the next big hurdle ahead, the final divorce discussion and living separate lives. But it doesn't feel impossible anymore. It feels like an inevitability and something that I am just preparing for. I'm accepting that I drew the short straw when it comes to family support with hard life decisions. But that doesn't mean I have no support. And I know I'm a resilient person. And at the end of all of this is my own life on my terms. It will be worth the pain ahead. I just have to keep telling myself that, and keeping taking the steps forward.

From the male perspective (ex Army, and have been though a few unpleasant experiences in my time) this isn’t anywhere near being a credible threat.

Men saying extremely unpleasant things to each other is something we just get used to, and the number of times it escalates to something physical is vanishingly small…almost zero.

This an emotionally immature  person, wounded, and verbally lashing out.

However, people will be more prone towards immaturity and being verbally hurtful when relationships end.

People prone to violence don’t need exceptional circumstances to be violent, and if it wasn’t present during the relationship, or in previous relationships, it’s not going to spontaneously appear on a whim in this instance.

I would suggest de escalation, and as little contact as is humanly possible to achieve your aim.

It’s perfectly understandable.

Being exposed to BPD means being forced into a dichotomy, or a splitting of a whole into two parts that are mutually exclusive.

Reconciling the two elements isn’t possible for someone of a sound mind, which is where you and I presently reside.

BPD has no problems with dichotomies, as it resides between neurosis and psychosis.

In the months following the end of my relationship, my waking experiences were overlaid by my memories of betrayals that could never be reconciled, or comprehended. At best, they could be explained, or contextualized, but this wasn’t an emotional salve.

We’ve experienced betrayal trauma, and it’s going to take some time to set the universe back into equilibrium again.

Yes, you and I are now irrevocably changed, but simply because this new version of yourself is unfamiliar doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s disadvantageous. As the old saying goes, “Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the sculpture and the sculptor.”

I hope you will excuse the pedestrian analogy, but it’s pertinent.

I was once exceptionally fit, capable of tremendous physical feats. Being physically indomitable was a defining characteristic.

Unfortunately, I suffered a shoulder injury almost five years ago so debilitating that I was in almost constant pain afterwards, and my life and responsibilities all-but excluded having an operation to repair the damage.

I had always been noted for my physical fitness, and hiking, running, climbing, mountaineering, weightlifting, were just normal facets of my life.

…and then they were all gone, along with my sense of self, and my physical and mental health went into a steep decline.

After researching surgical options, I was dismayed to discover that surgery often made the condition far worse, and as my pain was becoming so excruciating that I rarely slept well, I had to find my own answers, and own path.

This is where things become analogous…

It emerged, Kashi, that I had inadvertently formed habits decades ago that eventually led directly to my injury. I had adapted to doing exercises incorrectly, and over a great deal of time, reality inevitably caught up to me.

I had to relearn everything, and whereas I was once accustomed to doing shoulder presses with 110lb dumbbells, I had to start again just by being able to raise my arm directly above my head…and it was extremely painful.

A year ago, I would never have believed that I would be able to do a pull-up ever again. I’ll never forget the moment when it happened. Just doing one pull-up again was a greater achievement than all those physical feats I accomplished in the past, because that one pull-up (despite being very painful) gave me the courage to continue, and I really had to work hard for it.

I’m haven’t quite attained my former physical stature yet, but it’s getting closer every day. That one pull-up led to four a few days later. A week later, I was up to ten. Still painful, but not as painful as before. You can see where I’m going with this.

I’m 57, Kashi. When I ended my relationship last year, the only things I took with me was whatever would fit into a small, carry-on backpack, and headed for the airport. Just what I needed, and nothing else.

It’s been the most excruciatingly painful year of my life, but just as with my shoulder, life is becoming progressively better.

…but I had to make huge adjustments, and leave myself open to different interpretations.

Yup. I could have written this. All I can offer you is go talk to a therapist. I’m 10 years out. I didn’t go talk to anyone outside of the 1 marriage counseling session and I still have a lot of these feelings.

No point on fixating on their issues at this point. Time to focus on yourself.

what happened? what was said?

She just turned her phone off nevermind. She's likely trying to gaslight me or something. I'm unphased for now

She refuses to meet or talk to her and hates her guts. Added her on social media to interrogate her and act passive aggressively.

I acknowledges how she felt and then she blocked me just now. Kind of expected it.