Just a few questions to get me reoriented to where you're at now:
Is this an official legal document? I.e. filed with the court, spells out specific parenting times, etc?
And do you currently have a lawyer (or did you during the custody agreement process)?
Is anyone in leadership in your church aware of your custody and parenting time situation? If not, if it were me, I'd probably do a proactive "Hey, just want to give you a heads up about our situation, it's XYZ and I'm happy to share paperwork with you if you need it" type email. No blame, just a "hey, both parents are here and our child is here, so here is the legal framework we're working with, if you guys need documentation"
Is this an official legal document? I.e. filed with the court, spells out specific parenting times, etc?
And do you currently have a lawyer (or did you during the custody agreement process)?
Is anyone in leadership in your church aware of your custody and parenting time situation? If not, if it were me, I'd probably do a proactive "Hey, just want to give you a heads up about our situation, it's XYZ and I'm happy to share paperwork with you if you need it" type email. No blame, just a "hey, both parents are here and our child is here, so here is the legal framework we're working with, if you guys need documentation"
Yes, it was filed in agreement and signed into order by a judge before I started going back to church. The staff are fully aware of the custody situation, they have a copy and worked with me on making sure childcare is handled appropriately while we are there. I've talked a good bit about the situation to a pastor who is bound by confidentiality, and they've been good about making sure I know what all they can and can't do to make the situation work for all involved.
I love my privacy, and I'd also feel violated by what she did. You know her best, so you can think about what all is going on in your life (legal stuff, etc), and decide if a "one and done" email with your L cc'ed could be worth it. Something like "Hi Ex; Just a heads up that I do not consent to you filming me or D at church. Thank you; grootyoda"
You have a custody agreement -- it's OK to stick with it. Something simple, like "Sorry, that doesn't work" or "thanks for asking, that doesn't work" is fine.
What's trickier is what you're noticing, which is the impact it has on your D.
Does your W try to get D "amped up" about seeing her, and then "get her sad" when she can't go with Mommy right away? Or is it more like I think I'm reading, where it's less about W manipulating D directly, and more about W making sure that other adults see her with D?
I think you may be able to use validation with your D to navigate this --
maybe in the car after church, having some kind of conversation like "you were happy to see Mommy at church, huh?" (if D's body language seemed happy), followed with "and you seem sad now, right?" (again, only if that is what's going on). A validating approach could be: "Lots of kids are happy when they see their mom and sad when they don't. How do you feel about getting to see Mommy after lunch?" That could normalize that sure, she was glad to see Mom, felt sad to see Mom go, and you are helping her remember that she is seeing Mom again soon.
Thoughts?
You have a custody agreement -- it's OK to stick with it. Something simple, like "Sorry, that doesn't work" or "thanks for asking, that doesn't work" is fine.
What's trickier is what you're noticing, which is the impact it has on your D.
Does your W try to get D "amped up" about seeing her, and then "get her sad" when she can't go with Mommy right away? Or is it more like I think I'm reading, where it's less about W manipulating D directly, and more about W making sure that other adults see her with D?
I think you may be able to use validation with your D to navigate this --
maybe in the car after church, having some kind of conversation like "you were happy to see Mommy at church, huh?" (if D's body language seemed happy), followed with "and you seem sad now, right?" (again, only if that is what's going on). A validating approach could be: "Lots of kids are happy when they see their mom and sad when they don't. How do you feel about getting to see Mommy after lunch?" That could normalize that sure, she was glad to see Mom, felt sad to see Mom go, and you are helping her remember that she is seeing Mom again soon.
Thoughts?
So much good stuff in this response. I'm not sure I'm ready to send that email just yet, but I've made my attorney aware of the activity and I am more or less letting them guide me on what is or isn't warranted until this becomes a frequent occurence.
Regarding insisting on sticking to the agreement - I am still working on not feeling like a jerk every time I insist she stick to terms she agreed to, and yours is a good reminder. I also really appreciate the recommendations about validating D's feelings. I do a lot of asking her how she's feeling, but I could stand to use more "I'm noticing" statements. W definitely leans into the "amp up" side of things - she doesn't exactly try to make D sad about goodbyes, but she does draw out goodbyes a good bit and show her disappointment when D isn't reciprocating her goodbyes. It's not super over the top, but I'm aware of it as a recurring issue.