Hi SwanOrnament,

I understand you missing seeing your daughter, but am glad that you weren’t further stressed by her arguing and treating you mean and hopefully able to focus on the meeting.

My high-functioning daughter is now 38 years old, she has blocked me for the last 11 years. I have seen her a handful of times over the years at our few family gatherings, but even then she still will not speak to me.
I usually ask her if I can give her a hug when we leave, and I cannot even remember the last time she let me, and when she did it was very cold anyway.
I think and pray for her a lot each day, and the only way I deal with it is to focus on my own pursuits. My thoughts of her will never go away, but staying busy helps.
I encourage you to get involved in as much as you can, and it also helps me to read a lot. I mostly read non-fiction, so it seems helpful to focus on other people’s lives-I read the Bible and am also reading stories of courageous women that are local missionaries in dangerous countries.

Another thing I do when I’m at home or in the car is constantly listen to uplifting music-my preference is Contemporary Christian songs-I really like this because the lyrics are so positive and since I’m praising God, these songs give me great peace! (at home, I play YouTube videos on my tv)

I am 65 and a retired widow, I love to do volunteer work with children & youth, and I also volunteer at the prisons.

Just focus on doing the things you like and want to do.

I’m even preparing to go overseas as a missionary, sure, I hope she contacts me someday, but in the meantime, I must live my own life, knowing that if she does ever re-connect with me that is something I’ll deal with at the time.

The act of Intercessory Prayer for our daughters along with friends and families makes a HUGE difference! It was the prayers of people when I was 3 years old that saved my life!

I truly wish you the best, be the best version of YOU that you can, and trust that what will be, will be.
And finally, I would like to remind you as someone reminded me; you really did your part for her life when you raised her. This was a blessing that God gave you to raise one of His children, you did a great job, and she’s in His hands now.
I know we still think we need to help them, but we have to trust and let them fly and figure out their own way, and ask God to help them and keep them safe.

I hope this helps you to be able to let go.
(I don’t know your religious beliefs, and I hope I didn’t offend you in any way.)

I truly wish you peace and comfort.

Thanks as always. Eyesup the bat mitzvah was pretty good considering. I was grateful to myself for moving out in advance. It would’ve been awful to have still been there.

I got to figure the Low contact stuff out better. I keep telling myself that by playing along. I’m trying to establish a better relationship for my kids but then this morning she came over at 7 AM a fit on my front porch and then texted me all day now that the bat mitzvah is over, she has nothing else to put her mental energy on. If only she had a boyfriend and a job, the whole thing made me wonder if I made a mistake dropping the restraining order if only to just keep her off my damn porch.

I did record during the final months of my marriage, before it imploded.  And afterward too, it turned out to be a two year divorce and years of parenting ahead.

Eventually I found a polite and strategic way to describe why I recorded.  "I needed to document I wasn't the one aggressive, threatening or abusive.  And if my spouse happened to be the one aggressive, threatening or abusive, well, that wasn't on me."

Thank you both.  Yes, I have been working on the observe and describe skill a lot, and that seems to help, along with the somatic work.  I use cope ahead quite a bit also. Anything that slows me down, creates a "speed bump" and makes me less reactive is always welcome.  Is there a DBT skill you have used in this type of situation?  My teen skills class was the more "pared down" version although going through it with my eldest did wonders for my relationship with her.

I am working on a timeline with my T soon.  I know this situation is not permanent.  I am working to make proactive decisions and not reactive ones.  I have been told this process can take some time, so I am approaching it that way. 

It has been somewhat of a master class for me, I continue to learn a lot.  I agree that the grieving process can sometimes require big change.  I think the actual change in many ways is here already, as my relationship is not currently available anymore in a way I understand. My response to that (how do I take care of myself, how do I take care of my kids in this moment) is the part I am working on.

Wow, such wise words. I do absolutely have a wish to be fair, super nice, and uniquely care for those around me. My PhD advisor told me once that I take better care of her than anyone she knows.

I approach my marriage and my wife with even more energy than I did graduate school. This attitude gets me into trouble because eventually I hit a limit or make an unconsidered comment and my wife begins the "flawed --> rejection --> victimhood --> attack and defend cycle." She sees even the slightest bit of anger as an indication she is flawed.

Your advice to read about limits has been so helpful. I really have four our five non-negotiable things I need in my life...all of which are already (or close to) happening. So, I will given up on trying to hold her accountable for her BPD-like interactions with me. Attempting to hold her accountable sets off this cycle. Clearly indicating to her I still think she is a wonderful person yields the opposite.

At least, this is the thing I have learned and will try during this period of peace. The thing that sucks living in this space is that no one seems to notice how you become more and more self-actualized. My wife firmly believes we fight less because of her effort. AND I will not tell her otherwise.

The one standard that is nearly met is me traveling much more often. I think a personal trip once every one or two months will greatly energize me to face home life. We can afford these trips and seeing the world has been a dream of mine. My wife wants to stay in the safety of our homes. Moreover, she does not want me to travel because she believes she needs me to be home to care for her.

Thanks guys I am reading all these and I'm taking notes.   There is a 6 month wait where I live, and we do not have to be separate.   I will move some valuables to a safe place away from here.   I was advised not to stay away from the house for any period more than a few days as she could claim I moved out.   I have no interest in making any close connections and feel confident I will not get drawn into a fight.   I am hoping it will just be awkward for a while and I will ride it out.   I do have a recorder, as well as extensive recorded surveillance for common areas.

At this point as well, I just want to be alone. I’m an introvert and I love my own company. I love my silence and thoughts that are my own. I enjoyed life quietly and went on adventures alone. Before this, I knew who I was and I worked hard to go from surviving to thriving. I don’t get why this break up is so volatile. So hot and cold. I’m usually calm and level headed. And now I have to tell myself that he didn’t choose me. Which sends me into a depression and I go through stages of grief, even though it’s been a year, it still is taking time.

He always was able to tell me how much it’s my fault. How I left him, he needed me but I left, I cheated on him because I never loved him. How I made him feel ugly and unwanted. That he can’t trust me and that he’s scared of being with me again. He changed his whole life for me and I didn’t do the same.
That’s a lot of tough things to hear, on a daily basis. And then to turn around and say that’s he’s scared to lose me. That he can’t move on because I am the love of his life. He doesn’t want to love anyone else because I’m still his wife.
He wants to still come back together at some point, but he can’t be with me because he can’t build a life with someone unstable as me.
Telling me he wishes he was here with me, but if he was to be with me it would cost him everyone.
The thing is, I never asked him to be back together. I never told him that I wanted to work it out. Yes I do want him here, as a sad lovesick wish. But I never said I wanted to work things out.
I can see me being put on a pedestal and then swiftly knocked off from it, sometimes in the same sentence.
Blaming me for us being separated when he wants to fight for it.
It’s such a swing between extremes. Yes No Yes No, over and over.
I’m the one that brings a solution, but it’s wrong. He’s a swinging pendulum and I’m the wall he smashes into.
Feels so old and boring. I thought because he was older than me that he would be the mental experience and maturity. But I felt like I was constantly having to be mentally aware and mature for the both of us.
I’m sad yes, because I still had all my life to love someone I believed in. That I married without question, I was committed for sure. But it turned into this, and I just couldn’t get it out of my head that it was all my fault like he said. But in the books I’ve read, and counseling and this place that has helped me see that it’s not just because he can’t cope, that there was something deeper. Yes I have faults and could have handled so many things differently and I take blame when I am the one responsible. But I’m not the sole bad guy. I really see that, the patterns. How it’s helping me take the rose colored glasses off.
The in-depth and descriptive responses about his thought process makes sense. Because he always “needed” me. Even when we were screaming at each other, he wanted cuddles. The fear of abandonment. That he never wanted to be alone, I was the one on the pedestal and now I’m the villain.

I am living with my uBPDw while going through a divorce right now, and it is ugly. In my case, it went from trying to be collaborative to extremely hostile pretty much overnight, all driven by her. Everything has to go through the lawyers now because of her rage, and her moments of disassociation and splitting have skyrocketed. I basically avoid her wherever I can in the home, but that doesn't stop the angry texts, etc. So be prepared for her to turn into your worst enemy ever. (Great if she doesn't, but no harm in mental preparation.)

I agree with recording every conversation. You don't know what she may be capable of, so it's best to be safe.

Make sure you think carefully beforehand about how you will respond to provocations calmly, how you will de-escalate your own emotions, and how you will calm yourself after the inevitable confrontations. Always remember that she may be trying to provoke you into some action, so you need to keep a level head at all times.

Sounds like a difficult situation. Hope it turns out okay for you.

Odd, but it sounds like he respects you on some level, despite his behavior in his life being unrespectable. SD18 rolling her eyes is notable, but she owns her emotions. I wouldn't even bring it up with her.