Sending you hugs  
Had a conversation with our 19 year old last night (not BPD, but her mom has many traits). She wants to make permanent, life altering changes to her body, that I just cannot support or validate. I had to remind myself that at least she was talking to me, maybe she felt heard, and I did the best I could by not turning it into a big argument. And, every day that she does not make those changes, she is one day closer to being older with a more mature brain, that will maybe think twice.
It helped me last night to know that you were going thru something similar. It is hard having a young adult child when BPD is in the mix!
I hope you get some moments of peace today. We are road tripping with our youngest and a friend to camp for a night, and the two of them are being pretty funny, so I am just enjoying having non stressful time with a kid.
How does your weekend look?

My daughter is 35 years old married  diagnosed with BPD. I undergo lot of stress dealing with her. I myself was suffering  with many depressive disorders during my children's birth and during their growing years

Hi Popcorn27,
Good to hear that the stuff at the dean’s office is resolved.
Now that graduation is over, do you have plans to move away, or does she, as far as you know?
Fill us in some more on how the last few weeks have been for you;
kells76

It has been a while since I've updated here, I have been mostly at peace with my situation since I filed for divorce over a year ago and my uBPD spouse moved out.    There has been an ongoing legal struggle over money, she is basically trying to get as much as she can and is making claims that are probably going to fail in court but it is still distressing.   

And there is something troubling me, maybe not a whole lot, but it is weird and I just wanted to talk about it somewhere.   She attached herself to another guy that is kind of a key figure in my community, and seems to be making a point of advertising to everybody that she is with someone else though public displays of affection.   I think she is just rebounding and trying to hurt me, and I also know this guy has no idea what he is getting into but he is a friend of mine.   Not a close friend, but someone I have known for a while.  He said nothing to me about it.  I am not sure what I am feeling about this.    I don't know if he knows what she is doing on the legal side with me either.   But it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do or say about it, so I am having to process this privately.

Anybody have experiences like this?

988 is a Suicide and Lifeline support number.

Much about the Borderline experience is about perceptions, prejudices, moods and feelings.  Facts and reality get overwhelmed and denied.

The triggers for a person with BPD traits can vary.  It often can be worsened by perceived childhood traumas but not always.

Having children together can make ending all contact impossible after a failed relationship since there are custody and parenting schedules.  That was my story.  I was clueless that I was dealing with serious mental dysfunction and hoped having a child would make my then-spouse happy with a new life to share.  That backfired big time.  As much as children are blessings, it can end the adult relationship sooner.


Time will reveal all, usually.  Getting our lives back is a process, not an event, and can be compared to struggling through a long dark tunnel but there's a bright spot ahead to focus upon and life will then get much better.

I'm sorry for her... This is very very heartbreaking

Hello, all. This is my first time here, so thank you for reading through. I'll try to be brief.

My husband and I are both trans and queer and we have been together for 15 years. We have done our transitions together, faced family estrangement together, and have stayed together despite a lot of setbacks.

About a year and a half or two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with BPD. We've always fought a lot and trigger each other sometimes (both of our mothers were also BPD), but we have always tried to work through it.

Lately, though, it feels as though things just won't improve anymore. I see 2 therapists regularly--a talk therapist and then a DBT therapist. I work hard to try and implement all the things I learn, but my husband is currently not seeking therapy (although he has for many years).

Each time we fight, I try to use the things I learn to take accountability, reassure him, express my feelings, but every time I improve on one skill a new issue pops up. First, he would go into a rage because I 'never apologized'. When I started apologizing more, it was because I 'didn't share my feelings with him'. When I shared my feelings more, it was 'you need to validate my feelings, not talk about yours'. Continue that cycle into infinity. It often feels that every time I improve, the goal post gets moved further along. Sometimes it feels as though I will never improve enough for him.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling as the only one working, making sure our apartment stays clean, managing all of our bills, and ensuring that he has the right kinds of food in the house to avoid his splitting.

I'm feeling so lost. I have few friends and all of my family is estranged because I am trans. We love each other very much and I know that this illness must weigh so heavily on him. But I also feel as though my own feelings and worth have been completely overshadowed by his extreme needs. I admit that I am not healed from my own mental health issues and I know that there are definitely things I need to improve on.

I supposed I'm curious if others have been in this kind of situation and what, if anything, worked for them to improve their situation. I think I'm also just looking for other people who have experienced this so that I don't feel quite so alone.

• September (last year): We broke up after an intense 1-year relationship. There was no real closure—just pain and confusion.

• September–November: She quickly entered a rebound relationship that lasted around 3 months. I begged a lot, acted out emotionally, and she blocked me multiple times. That “runner” relationship ended by late December.

• December–January: She resurfaced, saying things like: “I can’t fully let you go. There’s an angel and a devil on my shoulders.” We met, talked for hours, and even slept together once. But when I asked if we could try again, she said: “Don’t hope—I never give second chances.”

• February: She started seeing another guy (a football player). By mid-February, the relationship was official. I continued sending low-key supportive or emotional texts to her private TikTok account—this was my “safe space” for 10 months after the breakup. She used to read them regularly.

• March–May: Mixed signals. She still read my private TikTok messages and occasionally texted me. Meanwhile, she posted more photos with her new boyfriend. March would’ve marked our 2-year anniversary. I suggested a gentle no-contact back in February, but by then she was already with him.

• Early June: Her new boyfriend seemed narcissistic, and I was genuinely concerned for her. I texted her a symbolic story about a BPD girl being trapped by a love-bombing narcissistic guy, hoping she’d relate. But she turned it around, saying: “You’re doing the same thing to me.”
The next day she sent a picture of her boyfriend wearing my old hoodie—which felt like a provocation. Then, on June 9, she blocked me on every platform.

• Past Month: The block remains. Her social media shows a picture-perfect relationship—trips, sleepovers, meeting his parents. Yet at the same time, she reposts sad videos like:
 – “Last June, I was living a totally different life.”
 – “Wish my concealer could hide all the pathetic things I did to feel loved.”


---

My Questions:

– Does a total block always mean genuine closure, or could it be a way to silence internal conflict and avoid emotional overload?

– Could she actually be happy now, or is she overcompensating by posting “perfect” couple moments while still resharing sadness?

– Why did she send that picture of her boyfriend wearing my hoodie? Was it a goodbye, a provocation, or something else?

– Did I actually do something wrong by telling that symbolic story? I never attacked her—I just tried to help.

– Is this really the end? How could she go from “I can’t live without you, but I’ll try” to this complete cutoff?

A woman with BPD (etc.) might make for a good mistress, which is to say, being up for just about anything, but is terrible for any kind of meaningful longterm relationship. Whatever nonsense your ex. is now in won't last, and chances are, she will come out of it feeling even worse about herself.