Hello Patty, nanabanana973, schwing and gertrude,
At a loss here... thoughts stumbling about in my head. Thank you for the welcome.
Patty: No kids. I would never bring children into an environment like this. That would be the worst irresponsibility I could ever do. They don't deserve that. My H already has 2 from his previous marriage. It's enough. Something he dearly wanted... .or seemed to... .but I put the Kibosh on that one after we reunited and less than two months later the same crap started up. Told him point blank WHY he could forget that thought... .he has never mentioned it since.
Do I want to stay with him? Yes... .if he can get a grip on reality. It's marginally better than in the past, not by much though. I can own my errors where I make them, but NONE of them have ever deserved the abuse he has dished out.
nanabanana973: Thank you for the welcome as well. Are you still with your husband?
Schwing: Cheers... .thanks for the analysis and brutal eye opener.
You may have some desire to deny the obvious, that he is mentally ill and he is an abuser. But it is not uncommon for those who are abused to fixate on the perspective of their abuser -- it is a defense mechanism; see Stockholm's syndrome.
SS... .I know the way it works... .and how to slip out of its grip. Once you SEE it and OWN it... .it's like whiplash out... .but need an escape plan first.
Perhaps this is true on your end. I don't doubt though that HE NEEDS this "relationship/marriage" much more than you do. Yet over the course of this relationship, you have grown more dependent of your situation while he may very well be looking for your replacement.
*ouch*... .but I can see what you mean. Hurtful as that would be. He would stand to lose a great deal in that case. If he IS or should I have reason to strongly suspect infidelity,... .his world will crash on his head.
It is one thing to betray my physical safety... .in which I am very nasty and without limits driven to fight him back... .but it would be another to mess around on me. In that case... .he might not wake up. I've already gone over the\at line in my thoughts... .and sometimes in actions. The actions in Rage... .are not premeditated. They are reflexive. I know where they come from. Takes alot to get me there... .
You cannot think clearly while you are still clouded by F.O.G.
I see what you are saying, all too clearly. Valid point. I own that one. Obligation.
Fear: I fear for him... .as I won't stop. Told him very clearly... .I have to LEAVE him. I am capable of killing him. He pushes me past the point of no return. When he attacks me, all veils of civility and control are cut free... .I own that. I will not be disrespected by him in that manner.
Guilt: I feel no guilt over that^^^.
The reality, however, is that he cannot TRANSFER his mental illness to you. In some sense this is what he is trying to accomplish. But it doesn't work that way. Instead, he will just wear you down until you are unable to function any further for his purposes, then he will replace you. You must prevent him from doing so. The only way for him to ever have any chance to get better is for him to face his own issues himself. But his recovery is not even within your power to help him with, as you must help yourself.
He is doing a fine job of it though... .
I don't think you have been walking that fine line. And you are currently risking your sanity. Please let us know how we can help you. How do you think you can best be supported?
You're right... .and I don't know at this point.
My H insisted that I go to therapy as he had done so... .when we were apart... .but mysteriously his counselor is unavailable for me to confirm such... .?... .he travels all over the world. His work is such that we are often apart with brief weeks together.
In the past, his constant accusations of me cheating drove 99.99% of his rages... .somewhere along the line he let that go. It was beyond ridiculous how he tried to paint me as a ho. Needless to say. He now chooses other targets to hammer me with. However this last time he was here... .his drinking was quite the way to spend the evenings. As such a walking time bomb... .and needless to say. He went into one of his nasty childish vulgar rants. When I asked him if he thought that was normal behavior, He punched me. His reward was 11 stitches to the base of the skull... .I feel no guilt. I was worried that he may have been more seriously injured and went to the police and brought an ambulance. He kiced me out of the house... .I left. Then the calls started... .
Hello gertrude:
I think it's great that you lash right back and don't just take his abuse - but, as we all know, it can escalate and get very dangerous. It is clear to me that you have to get out as quickly as possible. Physical abuse cannot be tolerated or excused.
No... .I can't take the abuse. I don't and am not an abuser by nature. I am turing into one in self defense... .and I feel nothing. Terrible that it was necessary... but not guilty.
It's SICK!
So WHY do I stay?
He is the most supportive, hard working man I know. Always there for me. Always. Strange then that he would want to kill me,.,,I don't get it at all. He moved mountains and crossed the planet for me... .set his life up far away from all that he loves and knows for me. So why then destroy the reason? I never asked that he do so, nor demanded such. I am not selfish. Only that he be sure that this was what he really wanted. He assured me it was so. He has invested a great deal of his energy time and money in making this relationship 'work"... .but the problem is the way he THINKS and ACTS... .and others are aware and avoid him, he has no friends here. Only me.
Love is the razor's edge of insanity, I would like to keep both.
