Hi Laelle,
I did what I said I wasnt going to do and sneaked a peak at my ex's twitter. He had said something sexually explicit to another woman.
So many things went through my head. I dont blame him for it, he has every right to do it, and I knew he would. He told me himself that he cant be alone. Of course he would be scouting.
It really got me feeling bad tho. The times he made me feel bad for seeing someone else when we broke up back a year and a half ago. He NEVER let me live that down.
There's a reason why so many nons have decided to go "NC" (no contact)... . for some time it's just too painful to be curious. You might consider NC the next time your curiosity peaks. I won't blame you if you are curious though. I'm still curious and it's been over a decade for me.
I guess I pretty much feel like everyone else does... . Is his life really such a "party" now? I am just now starting to think about making new friends, I am certainly NOT to the point of speaking sexually to another person. He means more to me than that.
His life needs to take the appearance of a "party" because that his part of his seduction. He needs to seduce them sufficiently before someone is willing to overlook the occasional red flag and continue to stay with him as the disordered feelings and behaviors start slowly to escalate.
I don't think pwBPD have the emotional maturity to even begin to approach a feeling as complex and intense as grief. It is the difference between moving on -- learning from your experience, and repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
After knowing all that I know about my ex, what is keeping me stuck?
You cannot recover from abandonment and betrayal so quickly and without some work on your part. This is why some therapists call it "griefwork." Sometimes the processing of intense and powerful emotions occur more on the order of months and years, instead of days and weeks. It all depends on the degree and intensity of your attachment in the first place.
Why cant I just accept what I KNOW to be true and move on? Is something wrong with me?
Because knowledge is not the same as wisdom. The effort it takes for your mind to learn something and accept it, is completely different from the effort it takes for your heart to believe something and accept it. Something tells me there are many French sayings when it comes to the relationship between one's mind and one's heart.
I dont want him in my life and yet it bothers me that he is so good without me.
You don't know how well he is doing. You don't know how badly he is doing. What if what he is going through is very similar to what you are going through -- and what is different is how you each handle these feelings? You know that there are still emotions that you need to come to terms with before you can move on. But what if you have some other conflicting internal impulse, that in spite of your feelings of grief and loss, you feel a need to find someone new, or else you fear you might sudden cease to exist (or that you might even go mad). See his presentation to the world, not as evidence of his mental well being, but as evidence for his desperation and delusion.
He *needs* everyone else to believe he is happy and grand. Because if people don't believe this, he might stop believing it himself. And then he would fall into an abyss. You were witness to part of this abyss.
The world didnt end from me looking and im not in tears, but I feel abnormal. Like I shouldnt feel sad about a person
who erased me so quickly and is "seemingly" having no problem moving on.
The world didn't end from you looking, but you might have peeked under your band-aid and opened up a wound that is still healing.
You feel like you should be more like him. But then again, don't you accept that he is the one who is disordered? Or is there a part of you that questions that, that questions your own experience?
Ahhh, the woes of loving someone who is insane.
It was not all bad. It may be too soon for you to consider, but he may have taught you things about yourself you never knew. He may have showed you qualities you may want for yourself. And in time you can aspire towards these qualities. But the most he could be for you was a mirror.
After seeing him flirt around last nite, I signed up for an online dating service this morning. Im sorry but it just feels creepy to me. I thought maybe I could meet someone for coffee or something, but all I could think about was my ex. I am not ready, but at least 49 people want to meet me.
Ahhh, the woes of being a single, available woman... . in France, no less. Ha!
I don't know where I hear/read this but someone once said, the quickest way to mend a broken heart, is to fall in love. I feel conflicted about this message. To tell you the truth, this is what I did; I fell in love much too soon and it was the undoing of that relationship. Perhaps you should ask yourself this before you decide which route is better for you:
Would you want to fall in love with a very suitable person, but then risk losing it because you were not fully resolved with your previous relationship? This is the risk of dating and courtship while you are still "emotionally" unavailable; causal dating fine... . but serious dating? I don't think so. Being emotionally unavailable may actually make you more popular and desirable. But it may also make it more difficult for you to be happy. And nothing is more attractive (in my opinion) than "happy."
Ok, most of these guys only speak French so bleh, but one I was talking to speaks English so I was talking to him.
Total BPD alert. He immediately assumed that I didnt want to continue to talk because I didnt respond quick enough and assumed I would not download an app on my cellphone, and tried to guilty me.
Life is just too scary for me. Why cant God just open up the heavens and drop a nice man without issues in my lap?
Because life only serves you what you are able to handle. And any lessons we fail to learn the first time, we will repeat. Because there is no better instructor in life, than pain.
In my experience, emotional-unavailability attracts emotional-unavailability. And sadly, I think there are more people who date from a position of some kind of insecurity and unhappiness, than there are people who date from a position of happiness... . especially online. But hey, these are the trends of the future? C'est la vie.
Best wishes, Schwing
