Cant sleep

[laelle]

Great nite for it.  I have school in the morning.

I did what I said I wasnt going to do and sneaked a peak at my ex's twitter.  He had said something sexually explicit to another woman.

So many things went through my head.  I dont blame him for it, he has every right to do it, and I knew he would.  He told me himself that he cant be alone.  Of course he would be scouting.

It really got me feeling bad tho.  The times he made me feel bad for seeing someone else when we broke up back a year and a half ago.  He NEVER let me live that down.

I guess I pretty much feel like everyone else does... . Is his life really such a "party" now?  I am just now starting to think about making new friends, I am certainly NOT to the point of speaking sexually to another person.  He means more to me than that.

After knowing all that I know about my ex, what is keeping me stuck?  Why cant I just accept what I KNOW to be true and move on?  Is something wrong with me?

I dont want him in my life and yet it bothers me that he is so good without me.

Just needed to whine a bit.

[123Phoebe]

After knowing all that I know about my ex, what is keeping me stuck?  Why cant I just accept what I KNOW to be true and move on?  Is something wrong with me?

I dont want him in my life and yet it bothers me that he is so good without me.

Aw, laelle... .   Nope, nothing wrong with you   These things take a lot of time to fully heal from.  I'd venture to guess that it's not even really him that's keeping you stuck ... .   More like, taking the time to get yourself nice and healthy and you've reached a plateau at the moment.  Just wait... . Major progress is up ahead... .   Results will be worth waiting for  

Highly doubt he's so good without you.  He is who he is.  Doesn't sound like he's taking the time to work through any of his issues; just doing what he does... . Searching for someone to attach his issues to.  You know, the ones that had no place or business being in your life.

You're doing great!  Believe it

[laelle]

Thank you Phoebe, I can really use the support today.  The world didnt end from me looking and im not in tears, but I feel abnormal.  Like I shouldnt feel sad about a person

who erased me so quickly and is "seemingly" having no problem moving on.  I just dont know why it matters.  I hear people say this all day long here on the website so I know all the

right answers, it just helps when I hear someone say it to me.

[Grey Kitty]

laelle, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad over that. It does suck. 

My guess is that when you say he is seemingly having no problem moving on... . well... . he wasn't prepared to be in a good solid relationship with you. He probably isn't prepared to do that with anybody else either... . If anything, I'd feel sorry for what this new woman is soon going to be going through!

 GK

[laelle]

Ahhh, the woes of loving someone who is insane.

[Murbay]

Laelle, don't be too concerned about it. He is most likely in the idealization phase right now and once that's over I think you will find things will rapidly go downhill.

Towards the end of my relationship, my exBPDw spoke to me about her ex and how good things were between them and how she hoped for the same thing between us. It was a big red flag because I remember her comments at the start of our relationship about him. I also know that at the same time she was trying to "help" a co-dependent colleague through a divorce just a week prior to dropping the divorce bombshell on me too.

The biggest red flag of all was when she talked about her longest relationship. Mine was 8 years before we parted ways, hers was 9 years but with breaks almost every year. Apart from that, she never seemed to get past 6 months but alternating between 3 people. Oh how I smile now knowing the red flag was hitting me in the face and I still didn't see it.

I have no doubts that she will work on colleague while using one of the exes to fill the gap in between. She has a major issue, therapist refuses to go anywhere near her because she refuses to accept she has an issue. End result, regardless of how her relationships start, every one of them will end up in the same place and I have no doubt that the same will happen with your ex too. So don't be too concerned because it's not an IF it happens, it is a WHEN.

[catsprt]

Hi Laelle - it is healthy to still have feelings for an ex and feel "raw" when he is moving on. This will pass... .

[laelle]

After seeing him flirt around last nite, I signed up for an online dating service this morning.  Im sorry but it just feels creepy to me.  I thought maybe I could meet someone for coffee or something, but all I could think about was my ex.  I am not ready, but at least 49 people want to meet me.   

[123Phoebe]

I am not ready, but at least 49 people want to meet me.   

You're awesome laelle!  You got it goin' on!

[laelle]

Ok, most of these guys only speak French so bleh, but one I was talking to speaks English so I was talking to him.

Total BPD alert.  He immediately assumed that I didnt want to continue to talk because I didnt respond quick enough and assumed I would not download an app on my cellphone, and tried to guilty me.

Life is just too scary for me.  Why cant God just open up the heavens and drop a nice man without issues in my lap? 

[123Phoebe]

A lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot of people have issues, a lot!

Life can feel scary... .   Do you find a teeny weeny bit of comfort knowing that you can see 'em and spot 'em... .   those  's?

You've acquired a complete arsenal of  weaponry!  Yay!

[laelle]

They guy who wants to get lost in my eyes... . PASS 

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, you are absolutely getting there. (Getting lost in someone's eyes is really nice... . writing about it on an online dating site is NOT!)

Knowing when to throw them back is more important than being lucky enough to have the right guy fall into your lap on the first shot!

About the time you decide that the dating thing is getting fun you'll probably find somebody you like enough to shut down your profile!

[laelle]

  Phoebe, Hello Kitty 

[laelle]

While I dont plan on running away with any of those guys, it did help me a bit to socialize with other people.  Maybe when the time is right it will help me to be a little less scared and not be so afraid to reach out.  I am quite shy.

[MammaMia]

I am sorry for your sadness.  However, you must realize you are self-inflicting pain.  Stay out of

your ex's Twitter account.  Social media can be used as a weapon.   Take control and quit allowing him to hurt you.  

Try melatonin 5 to 10 mg for sleep.  It is totally natural and safe.  You can buy it in grocery stores and drug stores everywhere.  No RX necessary.

Perhaps it is time to move on.  Your relationship with your ex is no longer healthy.  Please think about it.  Slow and easy does it.  You will learn to trust again, just do not rush things.  There is nothing wrong with being "single" and "flying solo".  Take care.

[laelle]

Thank you MammaMia,

I have been staying far away from his online stuff because I knew it would hurt to see it.  I dont know why I did it last nite, but during my healing its been my deal with myself

to allow myself to feel any way I needed to feel.  I can do those things without being critical of myself.  I could read whatever I wanted, I just had to understand that it might hurt, and that

its not an option to contact him.  Its pretty much kept the curious cat from being interested in his business because I know I can look if I want.

It was just strange seeing his post, knowing he did them, and that I am not a part of his life anymore.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Laelle,

I'm sorry you're having a rough day.  That would've had a strong negative impact on me as well.  I am still grieving the loss of my relationship with my ex, although I feel I'm getting further from the grief and closer to acceptance--I hope!  I've had passing thoughts of checking my ex's Facebook page, but that is self-torture.  I permanently deleted my FB account so I wouldn't be tempted. 

I'm not ready to 'see' her with someone else.  And, yes, they do seem to move to the next person or persons very quickly.  I'm like you, though.  I'm not ready to move on.  I haven't been on a real date in a year now, although the last time I saw and spoke to my ex at her house was 5 months ago.  I think I would actually be fine going on a date with someone, but I'm not ready yet to get 'serious' with anyone.  Too much pressure.  Don't beat yourself up.  You're doing ok.  Learn from it, and move on. 

[MammaMia]

laelle

Sometimes we need to accept things as they are.  Especially when we cannot change them.  Yes, it is hard and yes it hurts. Sometimes things happen for a reason... .    If your ex has BPD, there is no rationalizing why he is doing what he is doing.  It is part of the illness, and you deserve better.

Please try the melatonin.  I think you will find it helpful.  Lack of sleep compounds the craziness.  

I hope you feel better soon.

[laelle]

Thank you Phoenix - Truly, it hasnt been that bad.  Was just weird.  I did take a loong nap this afternoon tho.    I am like you and not ready to see my ex with someone else, but there is absolutely

nothing I can do with him either.  I'm not ready to see someone else seriously, but I think I would be ready to have some coffee and enjoy spending time with someone.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I wont delete my facebook as its one of the only ways I get to spend time with my family in the states, but twitter is useless and so maybe I will lose it.

Thinking back, I lost so much because of my relationship with him.  I am actually a much happier person now, with alot less weight on my shoulders.  I remember how it felt each time he came around

and I got sucked back in.  I wanted out but just couldnt let myself.  I am out, why the heck am I not celebrating?  I am making good decisions now and taking such good care of myself.

He will still be miserable regardless of who he is with.  He was miserable when I met him, and I am sure he will be miserable 10 years from now.

Im going to be just fine.  

Thank you MammaMia for caring about me -Honestly, I do accept things, im just figuring out what does accepting things feel like?  It didnt feel great, but I didnt cry, and it didnt break me.

If my lack of sleep continues I will look into the melatonin.  I think its just jetlag as I just returned from the states to europe a few days ago.

[MammaMia]

Actually, many people take melatonin for jet lag.  I hope your trip was for pleasure and not work and that you had a great time.

This too shall pass... . just keep busy and have some fun.  Life does go on.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Im going to be just fine. 

We are slowly getting rid of the !  One baby step at a time, and sometimes one big step.

[connect]

Hello - hope you feel better soon x

I can relate to the lack of sleep. For me Saturday 7am, Sunday 1.30am and Monday 2.30am and I have work x its a racing mind for me and also I wait until I am tired before going to bed but I have been too pumped with adrenaline since he ended it on saturday.

Be kind to yourself  

[laelle]

Ok, met a guy that I am going to have coffee with in a few days.  How do I do this exactly?  I am out of practice.

[MammaMia]

laelle

Just be yourself and enjoy your time together.  It is a date... . not a lifetime commitment. 

Above all try NOT TO TALK NEGATIVELY OR DWELL ON YOUR EX.  If asked, just say the relationship did not work out.

Avoid details until you know this person better.

Relax... . have fun!  You go girl... .

[laelle]

Thank you MammaMia,

He doesnt speak much English so its going to be a short coffee.  LOL

[Grey Kitty]

You never know how long the coffee will be... . The languages are different, but this song covers one possibility

www.myspace.com/littlecharliethenightcats/music/songs/i-can-t-speak-no-spanish-46955294

[laelle]

LOL, I am not so sure about that.  I asked him to email me and he thought I was telling him that I didnt want to talk to him anymore.

By the end of the coffee I will probably have unintentionally insulted his whole family.

[LetItBe]

Yes, you're just meeting him.  There is no pressure.  Hope you have fun, laelle. 

[MammaMia]

laelle


This could be VERY interesting.  Perhaps you can help him with his English or he can help you learn whatever his primary language is.  Could be fun.

[laelle]

Maybe I can be my Co dependent self and save him from "me" 

If I wanted to learn French I would be paying attention in class.   We will see how it goes.  I, of course, still have some pretty strong feelings for my ex, but I cant act on them because its

futile.  Best to move onward and forward.

[MammaMia]

laelle

Stop being so hard on yourself.  YOU are not the problem, and you cannot FIX your ex.  He is broken. 

Yesterday is dead and gone, the future has not yet been.  Today is a gift... . that is why it is called the present. 

Think about it.  There is so much truth to that old saying. 

[laelle]

Your right MammaMai,

That is exactly what I am going to do... .   cherish the gift of a new start.

[schwing]

Hi Laelle,

I did what I said I wasnt going to do and sneaked a peak at my ex's twitter.  He had said something sexually explicit to another woman.

So many things went through my head.  I dont blame him for it, he has every right to do it, and I knew he would.  He told me himself that he cant be alone.  Of course he would be scouting.

It really got me feeling bad tho.  The times he made me feel bad for seeing someone else when we broke up back a year and a half ago.  He NEVER let me live that down.

There's a reason why so many nons have decided to go "NC" (no contact)... . for some time it's just too painful to be curious.  You might consider NC the next time your curiosity peaks.  I won't blame you if you are curious though.  I'm still curious and it's been over a decade for me.

I guess I pretty much feel like everyone else does... . Is his life really such a "party" now?  I am just now starting to think about making new friends, I am certainly NOT to the point of speaking sexually to another person.  He means more to me than that.

His life needs to take the appearance of a "party" because that his part of his seduction.  He needs to seduce them sufficiently before someone is willing to overlook the occasional red flag and continue to stay with him as the disordered feelings and behaviors start slowly to escalate.

I don't think pwBPD have the emotional maturity to even begin to approach a feeling as complex and intense as grief.  It is the difference between moving on -- learning from your experience, and repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

After knowing all that I know about my ex, what is keeping me stuck?  

You cannot recover from abandonment and betrayal so quickly and without some work on your part.  This is why some therapists call it "griefwork."  Sometimes the processing of intense and powerful emotions occur more on the order of months and years, instead of days and weeks.  It all depends on the degree and intensity of your attachment in the first place.

Why cant I just accept what I KNOW to be true and move on?  Is something wrong with me?

Because knowledge is not the same as wisdom.  The effort it takes for your mind to learn something and accept it, is completely different from the effort it takes for your heart to believe something and accept it.  Something tells me there are many French sayings when it comes to the relationship between one's mind and one's heart.

I dont want him in my life and yet it bothers me that he is so good without me.

You don't know how well he is doing.  You don't know how badly he is doing.  What if what he is going through is very similar to what you are going through -- and what is different is how you each handle these feelings?  You know that there are still emotions that you need to come to terms with before you can move on.  But what if you have some other conflicting internal impulse, that in spite of your feelings of grief and loss, you feel a need to find someone new, or else you fear you might sudden cease to exist (or that you might even go mad).  See his presentation to the world, not as evidence of his mental well being, but as evidence for his desperation and delusion.

He *needs* everyone else to believe he is happy and grand.  Because if people don't believe this, he might stop believing it himself.  And then he would fall into an abyss.  You were witness to part of this abyss.

The world didnt end from me looking and im not in tears, but I feel abnormal.  Like I shouldnt feel sad about a person

who erased me so quickly and is "seemingly" having no problem moving on.

The world didn't end from you looking, but you might have peeked under your band-aid and opened up a wound that is still healing.  

You feel like you should be more like him.  But then again, don't you accept that he is the one who is disordered?  Or is there a part of you that questions that, that questions your own experience?

Ahhh, the woes of loving someone who is insane.

It was not all bad.  It may be too soon for you to consider, but he may have taught you things about yourself you never knew.  He may have showed you qualities you may want for yourself.  And in time you can aspire towards these qualities.  But the most he could be for you was a mirror.

After seeing him flirt around last nite, I signed up for an online dating service this morning.  Im sorry but it just feels creepy to me.  I thought maybe I could meet someone for coffee or something, but all I could think about was my ex.  I am not ready, but at least 49 people want to meet me.  

Ahhh, the woes of being a single, available woman... . in France, no less.  Ha!

I don't know where I hear/read this but someone once said, the quickest way to mend a broken heart, is to fall in love.  I feel conflicted about this message.  To tell you the truth, this is what I did; I fell in love much too soon and it was the undoing of that relationship.  Perhaps you should ask yourself this before you decide which route is better for you:

Would you want to fall in love with a very suitable person, but then risk losing it because you were not fully resolved with your previous relationship?  This is the risk of dating and courtship while you are still "emotionally" unavailable; causal dating fine... . but serious dating?  I don't think so.  Being emotionally unavailable may actually make you more popular and desirable.  But it may also make it more difficult for you to be happy.  And nothing is more attractive (in my opinion) than "happy."

Ok, most of these guys only speak French so bleh, but one I was talking to speaks English so I was talking to him.

Total BPD alert.  He immediately assumed that I didnt want to continue to talk because I didnt respond quick enough and assumed I would not download an app on my cellphone, and tried to guilty me.

Life is just too scary for me.  Why cant God just open up the heavens and drop a nice man without issues in my lap?  

Because life only serves you what you are able to handle.  And any lessons we fail to learn the first time, we will repeat.  Because there is no better instructor in life, than pain.

In my experience, emotional-unavailability attracts emotional-unavailability.  And sadly, I think there are more people who date from a position of some kind of insecurity and unhappiness, than there are people who date from a position of happiness... . especially online.  But hey, these are the trends of the future?  C'est la vie.

Best wishes, Schwing

[laelle]

Met him, and he wants to take me out Sunday.  I guess i did ok.

[LetItBe]

 

[Grey Kitty]

Great! How much do you want to go out with him on Sunday?

[laelle]

Fair enough Grey.   

[MammaMia]

laelle

Of course he wants to see you again!  What is there not to like about you?   Sounds like the language barrier is not a barrier after all.  He is probably also wondering if HE did well during your coffee.  To be nervous is normal.

Did you say yes or are you still thinking about it?

[laelle]

I told him yes, and we agreed to keep in touch. I dont want to crowd him but I dont want him to think im not interested either.

I dont know if he was really interested or if he just asked me out again because he felt he was put on the spot.

[MammaMia]

laelle

Just go with the flow and see what happens.  Did you find him interesting and likable?

[laelle]

hrmm, I dont know.  With my ex I didnt have to "try" he idealized me.  Was part of what I liked about it all.  He was cute, funny, and wanted me.

This guy isnt chasing.  I think he waits for me to chase him, and this could be a problem because I wont chase.  I feel uncomfortable having to put myself out there.

It leaves me feeling vulnerable.

[laelle]

Nah, im going to cancel.  Not just because I still have feelings for my ex, but I'm not ready.

I need more time just taking care of me.

[MaybeSo]

Nah, im going to cancel.  Not just because I still have feelings for my ex, but I'm not ready.

I need more time just taking care of me.

This is wise.

[MammaMia]

laelle

If you are not ready... . and that is perfectly ok.  You will know when you are, but remember that this man (or any other) is not your ex and never will be.  You cannot move forward until you reach the point where you stop comparing everyone to him.

Down the road, you will be fine.  Just give yourself more time to grieve and heal.  And, btw, it is ok to have male FRIENDS with no expectations of more.

[Grey Kitty]

  There are guys out there who wanna date you!

 You are getting to know yourself and realized you aren't ready.

All good news for you! (Of course there is a French guy who is losing out   )

[laelle]

I really didnt feel he was the "bad" side of my ex.  There is really nothing I could offer this guy.  

First I didnt really like him,  he kept having to get validation about himself from his cook(he owns a restaurant), and I felt like I was on a job interview.  I felt like he was going to tell me that

I start work on friday and wear black shoes and a white button down.  

The language barrier was a problem, but at least when I couldnt think of anything to say, I could pretend to be trying to translate what I wanted to say. 

I forget sometimes that I have a choice too.  Its ok for me to not to feel a connection with someone.  I dont have to change to suit them, or accept what they are selling just

because I can buy it.

I dont think this French guy thinks he is losing out.  I think he has many fish in his ocean.  I'm not in the mood to be one of them today.  

When I agree to meet a guy on a date, I will at least stop looking for another guy until the day is over.  

[VeryFree]

Very good insights Laelle!

We all have choices, allthough a lot of us didn't realise that in our past r/s. Or if we did, we made the wrong choices: chose for our SO instead of for ourself.

And that's when the world will be a better place for us: when we accept we are allowed to make choice that are good for us!

[laelle]

Well, at the very least, I have realistic view of him.  No idealization.  If I do go out, there is no pressure on me.  I feel the BPD 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Laelle,  I feel very similar to you right now.  I've made some female friends, but that's all they are.  We will talk and text occasionally, but I haven't let anything go further than that.  I don't feel ready, either.  It's ok to be where you are, and where I am.

I like what you said about realizing you have choices.  This is very important.  I've been realizing that more in my life as well.  Honor what feels right to you.  I also understand still having feelings for your ex.  But I encourage you, and myself, too, to keep walking away from your ex.  There will be someone there for both of us eventually.

[laelle]

Phonenix - 

I have noticed something and I need some advice, I have noticed two types of people on the dating website. 

Ones I feel like I could tell things too, and those that I dont want to share the real me with.  Why is that?

The answer is probably obvious and smacking me in the face, but I dont get it.  Which is the right way to feel?

[Grey Kitty]

The answer is probably obvious and smacking me in the face, but I dont get it.  Which is the right way to feel?

Here's my take on the obvious answer:

Some people are safe to share your real self with, some aren't.

Your heart/mind/intuition is trying to tell you which bin the people on the dating site belong in.

Spend a bit of time examining those feelings and see if you can figure out what makes some of them seem safer than others. Perhaps there are a few  gently waving flags?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Do you want to be able to share your true self with the person your intimate with? 

[laelle]

How can I be anything else than what I am?  I exist as me.

I should be with people who are compatible with me.  Those that I cant share with, are not compatible I guess.

[laelle]

You like and know who you are when your with someone who may be compatible... . You dont have to try... .  1st green flag

[VeryFree]

"Compatible"

I like this word and think I know what you mean by it: everything feels okay when you're together, whether you're talking or when there are long silences. Everything just is fine. Just one remark is enough to understand.

When not been together for a while (even years) the first time when you meet again, it seems like no time has past. Something like that?

But still: when I first met my stbBPDw I had that feeling. After the first fifteen minutes it seemed like we had know each other for years. A few months later things became different, but I still felt partly compatible. Ten years later, sometimes I felt that way, but I know better now.